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Spazzle Speaks: Darkmoon Edition

Posted in Spazzle Speaks with tags , , , , , , , , on August 7, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

What’s up?  Spazzle here, everyone.  A few days back, Garrosh offered me the chance to guest-write something this week.  I thought today might be a good day to do it, since the Warchief and I had crossed paths at the Darkmoon Faire over the weekend, and I thought you all might enjoy a different perspective on what happened.

I went to the Faire with my cousin Khizzara.  She really liked the tonk demolition game, probably because it merged two of her great loves: engineering gadgets and blowing things up.  She managed to pester Finlay Coolshot into letting her tinker with the tonks.  She kept attaching all kinds of gadgets to the tonks, tweaking the motors, all kinds of things like that…most of which worked out pretty well right up until the point where her tonk would go flying into something and blow up.  Oh well.  That’s Khizzara.

We were checking out one of the souvenir kiosks (I swear Khizzara was going to spend all her tokens on fireworks) when I noticed Gurtash at the ring-toss tent.  It looked like he was with a draenei girl, trying to win a prize for her.  Khizzara and I went over and watched him from a distance.  His aim wasn’t too bad, but there was one toss that went far wide of the turtle.  Khizzara managed to pull off a save for him, though.  When his toss started going wide, she spotted a mouse poking around inside the ring, and cast Polymorph: Turtle on it, just in time.  The ring clanged off of the mouse-turned-turtle, and when Jessica the carnie started calling it a miss, I jogged up and pointed out that it looked like Gurtash was trying to hit the other turtle, and it’s not his fault that they have multiple turtles in there without any clear indication of which one he’s supposed to try to hit.

When we were leaving the ring-toss tent, we spotted Garrosh over by Sayge the fortune teller.  Khizzara had never actually met Garrosh properly, so I thought I’d bring her over to say hello.  When we got there, Garrosh had just finished answering Sayge’s riddles, and he was getting Sayge’s buff spell based on his answers.  I introduced Khizzara, and Garrosh was friendly about meeting her (well, friendly for Garrosh…he didn’t swear or anything), apart from seeming a little disoriented for a few seconds.  After that, the conversation started to get a little more interesting.

Khizzara and I were about to leave, when Garrosh started to follow along.  He said he had an idea about the Death Knight Rises graphic novel I’d loaned him last week, and wanted to know what I thought about it.  So that was fine.  I was happy enough to talk comics with him, especially since most of the time when I try to raise the subject he calls me a nerd and a pansy and asks why I’m not out practicing melee combat like a grown-up.  I was surprised enough that I’d gotten him to take the graphic novel in the first place, so the fact that he wanted to talk about it was a pretty nice bonus.

He walked along with us while he expounded on his idea about the comic.  It was actually pretty elaborate and involved, even though he insisted that the idea had just occurred to him a few minutes ago.  He said that it seemed to him that The Death Knight Rises presented in understated form a conservative worldview that posited (yes, Garrosh said “posited”) that a flawed order was still worth defending insofar as it still offered a preferable alternative to the chaos that would result from a successful societal upheaval by the disenfranchised, and that the story reflected an underlying anxiety toward the undermining of established power structures.

By the way, even though I’m probably paraphrasing here (I’m nowhere near as good as Mokvar is at getting these kinds of things down word for word), let me emphasize that I’m also not dressing that up at all.  This is basically what he said.

I was a little taken aback by this.  I basically shrugged off it off and said I thought he might be reading a little too much into the comic, and that it was probably only meant to be taken as a good adventure story.  At that point he rolled his eyes and muttered, “Ah, the intentional fallacy.  How pedestrian.”

At that point Khizzara leaned over and whispered to me, “Int buff.”  Now it made a little more sense.

Garrosh went around with us a little longer, and we were talking about all kinds of things, generally at a much higher level of discourse than I’m accustomed to, when all of a sudden he got a look on his face like something had come to him in a flash.  And then he was off and running.

“Hold on, how did I not realize this before?” he said.  “He’s Vol’jin!”

“Who’s Vol’jin?” I asked him.  “I mean, other than Vol’jin being Vol’jin.”

“BOB, that’s who!  That guy who keeps writing in to my mailbag week after week!  How did I not think of this?  It’s been Vol’jin all this time!  And he’s been messing with me!  He knows perfectly well the difference between ‘Invincible’ and ‘Invisible’!  And that you can’t just sell the Warglaives of Azzinoth!  He was just saying those things to bait me into correcting him!  And I fell for it!  Not to mention that when he said 6 – 6 x 6 = 0, I’m fairly sure he knew that was wrong, too!  I’m actually embarrassed I missed that myself – how could I have forgotten my PEMDAS?  It should come out to –30, obviously!  I can’t believe Vol’jin’s been putting these past me all this time, and I never once put it together until now!  What’s WRONG with me?”

He dwelled on Vol’jin trolling him for a while, but then he started running through other odds and ends that he hadn’t noticed before, little mistakes that he felt like he should have known better than to make.  Not seeing through Magatha from the outset was the big one, really.  But then, after a while, the int buff finally ran out of him, in mid-sentence, no less: “…and for that matter, it occurs to me, something that doesn’t even add up about that time I was attacked at Alcaz Island…um…hang on… What was I saying?  Ugh…don’t you hate when you’re about to say something and then it falls right out of your head?  Probably nothing important.  Whatever.”

By this point the buff was long gone, and Garrosh decided he’d had enough of our company, so he went off on his way to try to find Gurtash.  Khizzara and I kept playing some of the carnival games for a while, and I even won enough tokens to finally get my Darkmoon dancing bear!  I think I’ll keep fairly quiet about that, and then swing by Grommash Hold sometime after the Warchief’s been dipping into the felweed again.  Can’t wait to see the look on his face!

See you all later!

If you ever need anything,

Spazzle

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Back to the Faire

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , on August 6, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

The Darkmoon Faire is back this week…actually, they’re not “back” anywhere, they’re the same damn place they always are nowadays, on that freaky-ass island of theirs.  So I don’t know why we make a big deal over it “coming back,” considering they could just as well leave the damn portals up all the time so people can just go there whenever.  But I guess Silas Darkmoon must have some reason, maybe it’s a union thing, who knows.

Anyway, since things are a little quiet these days, I figured I might as well give myself a little R&R and swing by the Faire again.  I went and got Gurtash from the orphanage and brought him with me, since he seemed to like the place the first time, and off we went.

Of course, within ten minutes of us arriving there, Gurtash had spotted some other kids and was off to the races.  That left me to wander around on my own for a while.  I was hoping that we’d be coming up on the time for the Deathmatch fight, but no such luck, it was still a ways off.  So I made my way over to that gnoll fortune teller, Sayge, to see if I could get anything useful out of him.  Last time I was here, I got some cryptic-ass fortune that didn’t make much sense even in a fortune-cookie kind of way, so I figured I’d take another shot and see what he’d have to say if I played along for another one of his moral quiz show things.

So okay, here we go with the questions he asked me.  Feel free to play along at home:

 

You have been tasked by your liege to guard his fields of corn from poachers and thieves.  One night on patrol, you stumble across a haggard man in thread-bare clothing stealing corn from the field.  You quickly confront him, and he immediately begs for his life.  He claims he is stealing the corn to feed his family since the lord of the land – your liege – demands too much in taxes.  Your liege is indeed known for his harsh taxes throughout the land.

Make your choice.

  1. I slay the man on the spot as my liege would expect me to do, as he is nothing more than a thief and a liar.
  2. I turn over the man to my liege for punishment, as he had broken the law of the land and it is my sworn duty to enforce it.
  3. I confiscate the corn he has stolen, warn him that stealing is a path towards doom and destruction, but I let him go to return to his family.
  4. I allow the man to take enough corn to feed his family for a couple of days, encouraging him to leave the land.

 

Now personally, I’ve got no reservations about laying the smackdown on this guy, but I kinda got the feeling that this was one of those questions where they want you to show you’re kind and merciful and that kind of bullshit.  So I figured, what the hell, let’s go with option #4.  It’s really kind of the lamest option there, but whatever, Sayge is never going to know the difference, right?

Moving on:

 

You alone have defeated a terrible beast that has been ravaging the countryside, taking its ear as a trophy.  You later learn that your liege had offered a reward for the beast’s death, and that a kind but destitute knight who you know is trying to support a family claims the beast’s kill as his own.  You have no real need for the money yourself, but you know that the destitute knight is lying for his own personal gain.

Make your choice.

  1. I would show my liege the beast’s ear and claim the beast’s death as my own, taking the reward for my own use.  It is wrong to claim a deed as your own that someone else in fact did.
  2. I would show my liege the beast’s ear and claim the beast’s death as my own – after all, I did slay it.  I would then offer some of the reward to the destitute knight to help his family.
  3. I would remain silent about the kill and allow the knight to claim the reward to aid his family.

 

Okay, so being warm and fuzzy is all well and good, but no way am I going to let somebody else take credit for my kill.  Luckily, this one gives you an option where you get to split the difference – take the credit you deserve, but also be charitable to the poor destitute fucker.  Which is actually fine by me – in this situation, I’d be in it for the honor, not the money, and if this guy could use some help, fine.  So, option #2 it is.  Glory for me, some pocket change for him, everybody’s happy.

Once I’d answered the questions, Sayge gave me a written fortune: “What happened to the fortune that was supposed to be written here? Yep. Old Gods.”  Ha ha, very funny, Sayge.  Nice job having that ready to go, though.  Didn’t know he read the blog.

Anyway, while I was rolling my eyes at the fortune, he cast some kind of spell on me.  I’d heard he usually gives some kind of buff to people when they answer his questions, but I’m not sure exactly what it was he put on me.  In fact, I’m kind of fuzzy about what happened for the next hour or so.  I mean, I didn’t black out or anything – I remember walking around the faire some more, and running into Spazzle, who was going around with his cousin, and hanging out with them for a while, and then eventually Gurtash coming back.  But I’m kind of hazy on the details, like when I try to think of what I talked about with Spazzle for instance, it just gets kind of foggy.  Not sure what to make of that.  Oh well.

Anyhow, like I said, Gurtash caught up with me after a while.  Turns out that when he ran off, he was hanging out with a bunch of girls who were going around the fairgrounds together.  Which, you know, atta boy.  Kid IS thirteen, after all.  As it happens, it looks like the kid’s taken a shine to this one draenei girl.  Which…okay, maybe not the ideal choice, but I get it.  I be lying if I said I never had a peek over to that side of the fence when I was his age.  Plus, at least he’s not going for a human.  Because that would just be gross.

A draenei, though…well, first of all, he’s still just a kid, so whatever.  It’s not like anything’s going to come of it in the long run.  And even if it did, and this was the start of some lifelong thing or whatever, it’s not like races have never mixed before.  Hell, Garona is half orc and half draenei.

Um…wait a minute.

Okay, yeah, I’ve got to nip this thing in the bud.  No good can come of this shit.

On our way back to Orgrimmar.  I may or may not be assigning a guard to the kid.  We’ll see.

Darkmoon day trip

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , on July 6, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

So while we’re waiting on updates from Hillsbrad, I’m catching a little much-needed R&R time.  Gurtash from the orphanage was taking care of Mortimer while I dealt with that whole to-do at the Caverns of Time, so after I got back, I got the idea that it might be nice to do something for Gurtash for all the time he’s spent wyvern-sitting.  So, I checked him out of the orphanage for a little while, rounded up Mortimer, and brought him over to Mulgore.  What better reward for the kid than a day at the Darkmoon Faire?

So we spent a while wandering around the faire, loading up on hot dogs and cotton candy and one of those giant orange slurpy drink thingies.  I tried playing this Whack-a-Gnoll game they had – figured I could try to win Gurtash a toy or something – but Mola the carnie got all upset and said I had to leave the game area.  And personally I don’t think it’s MY fault that she did not explain clearly enough that I had to use the stupid foam hammer they gave me, instead of Gorehowl.  I just figured they provided the hammer for the people who didn’t think ahead to bring their own weapon.  So yeah, she asked me to leave the area, after I filled out some form for where they can send the bill.  Whatever.  Fucking Hogger.

At least I only destroyed the fake wood-and-straw gnolls, though, rather than the LIVE one they had hanging around.  They’ve got this gnoll named Sayge tucked away in a tent in one corner, giving out fortunes to people after they answer some “what would you do?” type questions.  Gurtash got a fortune that said “Hopes are like wyverns: care for them and they will carry you when you’re too tired to go on.”  Which, hey, good call on the wyvern thing, so you’d think Sayge knew his stuff, but then mine didn’t make a damn bit of sense – “From within it consumes,” like what the fuck?  So I clocked him.

Then I had to sign some more forms.

Anyway, after that we found the petting zoo, and boy did the kid flip out at that point.  I wasn’t so sure about the zoo at first, since the first pen had a bunch of gorlocs, which I had MORE than my fill of up in Northrend, because like I think I’ve mentioned, THOSE things are like what would happen if a murloc fucked a kangaroo.  But then I heard them prattling on about wondering when the tour would start, and realized somebody had tricked the stupid bouncy fuckers into thinking they were VISITING the zoo and not IN it, and that’s actually hella funny awesome, so okay.

Anyway, they had a bunch of pretty jumbo-sized animals, like this gorilla Gargantua, and a basilisk named Krystal which for some reason had a carnie-shaped crystal in his pen with…oh WAIT a minute!  HAH!  Um, anyway.  We looked around at some more of the animals, plus this big green slime thing that kept trying to spit at me through the bars of its cage.  Between the spitting slime and the animal poop, I tell you, you don’t know where to step half the time in that place.

Across from the slime, they had another pen with a huge wooly rhino named Crush.  We were looking at him, when all of a sudden I felt something clang off the back of my head – the shock of it knocked me forward, and made me fling my orange slurpy drink into the pen and all over the rhino.  Which…yeah, another bill for animal shampoo if they notice that, too.  When I looked to see what it was, though, it turned out I’d been hit by a Happy Fun Rock that some kids at the faire were tossing around – and by the time I looked, the kids had gotten their rock back, and Gurtash was making fast friends with them, and next thing you know he was racing off to run around the faire grounds with the bunch of them.  And so I’m stuck sitting there between the rhino and the ooze yelling at him to come finish the tour of the petting zoo, but does he listen?  No, of course not.  Fine, be that way.  Follow me, don’t follow me, whatever.  I’ve got my slime, I’ve got my orange Crush.

So while Gurtash was running around with the other kids, I looked around the faire a little myself – and found the most awesome thing ever.  The Darkmoon Deathmatch!  Get this.  They have this event where they put a prize in this chest in the middle of a big cage, right?  And at a certain time every day, the chest unlocks so that the prize can be picked up by anyone in the cage, only the inside of the cage is a free-for-all combat zone – so in order to claim the prize, you have to fight off anyone else who happens to be in there!

Wait, did I say you HAVE to?  Make that, you GET to.

I just happened to get there like ten minutes before the chest was going to unlock, and hey, look at all the humans and gnomes and draenei running around inside the cage.  LOK’TAR, bitches, the DELI COUNTER OF PAIN IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS AND GIVING OUT NUMBERS.  Hell yeah!

So, fast forward ten minutes for the fighting and two minutes for wading in and out through the heaps of mutilated bodies, and I’ve got my prize voucher.

The good: A quick trip to the prize-claim tent, and I had a great, big, hard-won goodie to hand off to Gurtash when he got back from running around with his new friends.

The bad: When he DID get back, turns out that two of his friends were a human kid named Michael and a draenei kid (LITERALLY) named Duquan…whose parents I, um, may or may not have just brutally slaughtered in the Deathmatch cage.

The worse: The goodie in question happened to be a giant pink teddy bear.  Which I had to carry around the faire grounds until Gurtash turned up again.  Which he didn’t do for like an hour and a half.

So, yeah.