Because you asked for it…

Okay, kids, while it’s still National Poetry Month, and I’m still basking in the glow of my GLORIOUS EPIC VERSE VICTORY over Varian (FUCK YOU, VARIAN VOTERS), I figured I’d do a request for another matchup.  Credit where it’s due, by the way, you guys really stepped up to the plate with your suggestions in the comments last time.  So, without any further ado…

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EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

BRANN BRONZEBEARD

VS.

LOREWALKER CHO

BEGIN!

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CHO:

Once upon a time, in a land across the sea,
An under-mountain kingdom was ruled by hammers three;
The youngest Bronzebeard brother wandered off, the world to see —
The great explorer?  He looks like a little poser to me.

You travel, sure, around the world, but don’t know what you’re doing;
You chase down leads but hardly have a clue what you’re pursuing.
But I know, “Branbronzan,” and now I’ll be your undoing:
Both our peoples might love beer, but you won’t like what I’ve got brewing.

Now I’m sure you’ll try your rhyming and you’ll throw your sticks and stones,
But you’ll never change the fact you’re a junior Harrison Jones.
You ran around backpacking but you didn’t go to college;
So take some notes here, kid — welcome to my Seat of Knowledge.

BRANN:

I’m sorry, were ye talking?  I think I zoned out,
From another long-ass story that nobody cares about.
When people listen to ye, they fall asleep and they drop;
They tune out long before they ever hear yer Aesop.

Ye got this right: I had no time to stay and rule a nation;
No politics for me, exploring was me inclination.
I roamed ’cross every continent and distant destination,
Unearthing Titan clues from Halls of Stone to Origination.

Now me rhymes are all unshackled and me flow’s unchecked,
So if ye want to battle, know ye’re gonna get wrecked.
They’ll be diggin’ up yer fragments when I finish my attack,
’Cause you’re fightin’ Brann now — nobody’s got yer back.

CHO:

You talk a good game, but your knowledge is a flop.
I preside in scholar’s heaven; you’re off working the gift shop.
You say your guild’s Explorer — you sure it’s not Lollipop?
I’ll call you Phase 3 Elegon — that’s how fast you’re gonna drop.

Into the Vaults I led a raiding team of nearly thirty;
I hung back smiling while I let them go get their hands dirty.
I studied mogu secrets while they fended off attackers;
You don’t discover anything unless it’s done ass-backwards.

You trumpet your achievements but I say it’s contradictory;
For all you do is bumble then Jar-Jar your way to victory.
I interpreted the warnings of the Emperor to heed.
Now the writing’s on the wall for you — but I don’t think you can read.

BRANN:

Don’t even try yer braggin’ ’bout yer strollin’ in the Vaults,
Twice now the world damn near blew up and it was all my fault.
I dug up Titan keepers and set loose Old God monstrosities:
There ain’t no trouble too big for my cat-like curiosity.

I dragged my hapless helpers through so many deadly places —
When I triggered that Tribunal, lad, ye shoulda seen their faces.
Oh, sure, they went complaining and they made a big production,
But I don’t think life’s worth livin’ if ye don’t risk world destruction.

Why, even now I’m on the trail of Titan secrets rare;
These tablets indicate a place, I just have to figure where.

CHO:

Wait, where’d you find those tablets?

BRANN:

In the Vaults of Mogu’shan.

CHO:

You snuck in there behind us?

BRANN:

Have we met?  Hi, my name’s Brann.

It seems a strange contraptions’s hidden somewhere in the Vale.
I’ll have to work it more, but rest assured I’m on the trail.

CHO:

Another Titan engine?

BRANN:

Or a prison.  Maybe so.
Wait, have ye got Old Gods down here?

CHO:

Not as far as we know.

But let me see that, junior, let a Lorewalker conduct
A proper study of those texts; the meaning I’ll deduct.
I’ll be the one to find it!

BRANN:

Yeah, grandpa, good luck.

CHO:

Better me; you’ll likely find a way to trip a self-destruct.

BRANN:

Ye know as well as I do: only thing worse than “unknown”
Is finding these devices…and then leaving them alone.

CHO:

’Tis true, the scholar’s impulse: though our helpers are perturbed;
Sometimes you simply must disturb what should not be disturbed.

BRANN:

A hidden button on the wall!  Its purpose — who knows what?
A Titan secret bigger than your furry panda gut.
I’ll bet it holds a secret!

CHO:

I’ll wager that it’s cursed!

BRANN:

I’m pressing that button!

CHO:

Not if I get there first!

<Brann and Cho run out in opposite directions.>

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WHO WON?

WHO’S NEXT?

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

Back to the Faire

The Darkmoon Faire is back this week…actually, they’re not “back” anywhere, they’re the same damn place they always are nowadays, on that freaky-ass island of theirs.  So I don’t know why we make a big deal over it “coming back,” considering they could just as well leave the damn portals up all the time so people can just go there whenever.  But I guess Silas Darkmoon must have some reason, maybe it’s a union thing, who knows.

Anyway, since things are a little quiet these days, I figured I might as well give myself a little R&R and swing by the Faire again.  I went and got Gurtash from the orphanage and brought him with me, since he seemed to like the place the first time, and off we went.

Of course, within ten minutes of us arriving there, Gurtash had spotted some other kids and was off to the races.  That left me to wander around on my own for a while.  I was hoping that we’d be coming up on the time for the Deathmatch fight, but no such luck, it was still a ways off.  So I made my way over to that gnoll fortune teller, Sayge, to see if I could get anything useful out of him.  Last time I was here, I got some cryptic-ass fortune that didn’t make much sense even in a fortune-cookie kind of way, so I figured I’d take another shot and see what he’d have to say if I played along for another one of his moral quiz show things.

So okay, here we go with the questions he asked me.  Feel free to play along at home:

 

You have been tasked by your liege to guard his fields of corn from poachers and thieves.  One night on patrol, you stumble across a haggard man in thread-bare clothing stealing corn from the field.  You quickly confront him, and he immediately begs for his life.  He claims he is stealing the corn to feed his family since the lord of the land – your liege – demands too much in taxes.  Your liege is indeed known for his harsh taxes throughout the land.

Make your choice.

1. I slay the man on the spot as my liege would expect me to do, as he is nothing more than a thief and a liar.
2. I turn over the man to my liege for punishment, as he had broken the law of the land and it is my sworn duty to enforce it.
3. I confiscate the corn he has stolen, warn him that stealing is a path towards doom and destruction, but I let him go to return to his family.
4. I allow the man to take enough corn to feed his family for a couple of days, encouraging him to leave the land.

 

Now personally, I’ve got no reservations about laying the smackdown on this guy, but I kinda got the feeling that this was one of those questions where they want you to show you’re kind and merciful and that kind of bullshit.  So I figured, what the hell, let’s go with option #4.  It’s really kind of the lamest option there, but whatever, Sayge is never going to know the difference, right?

Moving on:

 

You alone have defeated a terrible beast that has been ravaging the countryside, taking its ear as a trophy.  You later learn that your liege had offered a reward for the beast’s death, and that a kind but destitute knight who you know is trying to support a family claims the beast’s kill as his own.  You have no real need for the money yourself, but you know that the destitute knight is lying for his own personal gain.

Make your choice.

1. I would show my liege the beast’s ear and claim the beast’s death as my own, taking the reward for my own use.  It is wrong to claim a deed as your own that someone else in fact did.
2. I would show my liege the beast’s ear and claim the beast’s death as my own – after all, I did slay it.  I would then offer some of the reward to the destitute knight to help his family.
3. I would remain silent about the kill and allow the knight to claim the reward to aid his family.

 

Okay, so being warm and fuzzy is all well and good, but no way am I going to let somebody else take credit for my kill.  Luckily, this one gives you an option where you get to split the difference – take the credit you deserve, but also be charitable to the poor destitute fucker.  Which is actually fine by me – in this situation, I’d be in it for the honor, not the money, and if this guy could use some help, fine.  So, option #2 it is.  Glory for me, some pocket change for him, everybody’s happy.

Once I’d answered the questions, Sayge gave me a written fortune: “What happened to the fortune that was supposed to be written here? Yep. Old Gods.”  Ha ha, very funny, Sayge.  Nice job having that ready to go, though.  Didn’t know he read the blog.

Anyway, while I was rolling my eyes at the fortune, he cast some kind of spell on me.  I’d heard he usually gives some kind of buff to people when they answer his questions, but I’m not sure exactly what it was he put on me.  In fact, I’m kind of fuzzy about what happened for the next hour or so.  I mean, I didn’t black out or anything – I remember walking around the faire some more, and running into Spazzle, who was going around with his cousin, and hanging out with them for a while, and then eventually Gurtash coming back.  But I’m kind of hazy on the details, like when I try to think of what I talked about with Spazzle for instance, it just gets kind of foggy.  Not sure what to make of that.  Oh well.

Anyhow, like I said, Gurtash caught up with me after a while.  Turns out that when he ran off, he was hanging out with a bunch of girls who were going around the fairgrounds together.  Which, you know, atta boy.  Kid IS thirteen, after all.  As it happens, it looks like the kid’s taken a shine to this one draenei girl.  Which…okay, maybe not the ideal choice, but I get it.  I be lying if I said I never had a peek over to that side of the fence when I was his age.  Plus, at least he’s not going for a human.  Because that would just be gross.

A draenei, though…well, first of all, he’s still just a kid, so whatever.  It’s not like anything’s going to come of it in the long run.  And even if it did, and this was the start of some lifelong thing or whatever, it’s not like races have never mixed before.  Hell, Garona is half orc and half draenei.

Um…wait a minute.

Okay, yeah, I’ve got to nip this thing in the bud.  No good can come of this shit.

On our way back to Orgrimmar.  I may or may not be assigning a guard to the kid.  We’ll see.

Because the Old Gods

In my mailbag this past week, I received a note from Gamon asking why people seem to keep attacking him.  I really didn’t have any good explanation for him – he always seemed like a nice enough dude to me, so I’m not sure why so many people want to start shit with him – so I offered a mostly joking answer that maybe it’s because of the Old Gods.

Thing is, while I was mostly kidding, it wasn’t a coincidence that I came up with the Old Gods as an explanation.  A couple days before on Twitter, @justanna was asking about an oddity, and I offered the best explanation I could think of:

(For those of you not up to date on your internet lingo, “WoW” is the current trendy online abbreviation for “Whole of World,” as in “frigging everywhere.”)

Because if there’s one thing we’ve learned the last few years, it’s that when in doubt about why something happened, “the Old Gods” is never a bad guess.  And so, when I saw Gamon’s letter, I already had the Old Gods on the brain.

By the way, what the hell are “ducks”?

Anyhow, since I’ve been mulling this over the last few days anyway, I thought I’d take some time to share a few other little-known facts about everyone’s favorite Big and Tentacly Dudes from Someplace Unspecified Down Below.  Hold the presses, kids, here’s a partial list of other things that are actually the Old Gods’ fault:

 

• Ever notice how there are runic symbols carved into weapons and buildings and floors and a zillion other things, all over Azeroth…and yet there only seems to be like six symbols?  What kind of lazy-ass runic alphabet only has six symbols, right?  Well, true fact: there were originally 37 rune symbols.  The Old Gods ate the other 31.

 

• Who the hell had the bright idea, back in the day, to have Annora, the one and only artisan-level enchanting trainer at the time, move into THE MIDDLE OF ULDAMAN, where you could only reach her by getting a bunch of your friends to help you fight your way in?  Doesn’t get much more corrupted and insane than that.  Old Gods strike again.  Hell, she even felt compelled to go hide underground – could there be a bigger giveaway than that?

 

• If you go to the Orgrimmar library, and look for the classic novel Mobus-Dick, you’ll find it’s not shelved in the fiction section, but instead, mistakenly, in the cetology section.

  How did it get misshelved?

  Old Gods.

 

• Ever notice how elevators always seem to start to drop at JUST the right moment, where it’s too late for you to stop running toward the ledge, but it’s enough time for them go descend enough for you to be left with a nice long splat-producing drop?  Yeah, well, the magic controlling those elevator platforms was corrupted…so for all intents and purposes, all elevators are minions of the Old Gods.  Specifically, one of the Old Gods – I believe his name is Goin’down’ethar.  How much you want to bet that when we finally discover where he’s hidden, there won’t be any stairs?

 

• Mankrik’s first wife?  Everybody – Mankrik included – assumes the quillboar killed her.

  Nope.

  Old Gods.

 

• You know when you’re traveling from one region of the world to another, and you cross a border and all of a sudden there’s this REALLY abrupt change in the terrain?  Like you’re running through snow, and then you go three yards up the road and suddenly everything is green?  Or you look to your left and it’s daylight, and look to your right and you see twilight?  Or, hell, you’re hovering over a mountain, and one side is all black, and one side is green, and another side is orange?  And you’re sitting there wondering what the fuck happened to this schizophrenic-ass mountain?

  Yep.

  Old Gods.

 

• The producers of Earth Online recently announced that the upcoming Land Down Under expansion would include less demanding instance content.  There’s been a lot of nerdraging over this online, no surprise.  Was this decision caused by a transparent attempt to antagonize the veteran hardcore player base by currying favor with the casuals who’ve come along in recent years and didn’t have the common decency to swing by the Caverns of Time to travel back to the halcyon days when the game was still good and start playing then so they might possibly not suck?

  No, you elitist prick, get your head out of your ass.

  Two words: Old Gods.

 

• Jaina Proudmoore used to be a prim, reserved, innocent young lass.  Then one day…

  Well…picture most of the Old Gods’ minions.

  You do the math.

Old God mop-up duty

Scouting reports have finally come in from around Kalimdor, after the business with the Old Gods’ spawn in Thal’darah Grove last week.  The Twilight’s Hammer is definitely weakened and scattered in the aftermath of Deathwing’s defeat, but they’re still out there licking their wounds.  As for the Old Gods and their minions themselves, that’s a little tricker.  We don’t really know very much about the Old Gods proper – in the late stages of the war with Deathwing we kept hearing references to an Old God named N’Zoth, but we don’t have much idea where he’s hiding, or how many Old Gods are still out there, if any, or where they are.

That’s the thing about the Old Gods – however many of them are left, they’re hidden away somewhere, buried deep in the bowels of the earth or at the bottom of the sea.  With the ones we’ve fought so far, C’thun and Yogg-Saron, we actually had a pretty easy time of it, since in both those cases they were contained in one location, and even then it’s hard to tell just how deeply and broadly they’d managed to take root in the surrounding area.

But for the ones still on the loose, it’s a whole other problem.  All we really know is that there’s at least one more of them (strictly speaking, there’s probably at least TWO more of them, seeing as how the Twilights keep talking about the Old GODS rather than the Old GOD, or just plain That Dude N’Zoth), and that they’re located, well, DOWN THERE somewhere.  Hell, one of them could be tucked away somewhere under Orgrimmar for all we know.  I guess the Titans supposedly imprisoned them all underground, although, first of all, Titans, nice job letting the rest of us know where they ARE so we could maybe help keep an eye on them, or at least not go digging around too close and maybe accidentally let them loose delving too greedily and too deep, and second of all, bang-up job keeping the three we know about contained all air-tight like they have been.  Hell, one of those three is STILL contained as far as we know, and it hasn’t stopped him (her? it? they? do we need to invent a whole new pronoun for these things?) from stirring up all kinds of trouble with Deathwing and Ragnaros and the Twilights.

And that’s not even getting into their fucking SPAWN, whatever the fuck that even means, like the faceless ones and the tendrils and whatever else.  I mean, look at what happened in Dragonblight and you’ll see my point.  Apparently these Old Gods have like a zillion of these creepy-ass offspring or minions or whatever the fuck, all burrowing around underground where they can just roll up on Wyrmrest Temple and pop out of the ground with those fucking gigantic living-mouths-with-tentacles, which by the way, what’s even the POINT of keeping the Old Gods “imprisoned” if they can apparently just shit out THOSE things at will and send them wherever they want?

So anyway, yeah.  Old Gods suck.

Point being, the Old Gods are the real problem, but they’re also damn hard to pin down, so most of the time the best we can do is try to stay on top of the Twilight cult and hope that keeping them under wraps will help us put a damper on the Old Gods indirectly.  Which brings us back to the scouting reports.  We’re still seeing some pockets of Twilight activity in a few areas.  In particular I’m getting some reports on a remaining enclave up in Mount Hyjal.  I may make a trip up there to have a look myself.  Not to mention it might be good to check in and get a little face time with Hamuul Runetotem, seeing as I never got around to sending him a “Get Well Soon” card after…well, you know.  Although he’s seemed kind of uncomfortable around me ever since the first couple months I was Warchief.  Not sure what’s up with that.  Anyway, I’ll probably have a chance to talk to him soon.

Krom’gar’s shadows

I still don’t put a lot of stock in superstitious stories about things that go bump in the night.  Turns out, there wasn’t some mysterious spooky stuff going on in Thal’darah Grove like the men were talking about with the whole “Krom’gar’s shadow” thing.  I knew there had to be something reasonable and real behind it all, and hey, check it out, hold on to your ass for the surprise incoming – Garrosh was right again.  I knew there had to be some kind of sensible explanation.  Real as ghosts and goblins.

I just wish it was something other than what it was.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.

So I went down to the grove yesterday afternoon to have a look around.  Took a hell of an effort to get Mortimer to land there at all – I’m not sure if he just remembered the last time he was there and didn’t want to get too close again, or if something else was spooking him.  Either way, he put up a fight before we finally managed to land, and even then, he was pretty antsy the whole time there.

The grove is just eerie to walk around in now.  I’m not sure if that’s just based on my own memories of the place… It’s probably hard not to be creeped out by a place where you know you damn near got killed.  (Then again, if that’s all it is, I’d probably better figure out a way to get over it, otherwise I’m on pace to run out of places where I WON’T feel creeped out.  Thal’darah Grove?  Check.  Ring of Honor?  Check.  Twilight Highlands?  Double check.)  I don’t think it’s just me, though.  Most of the debris from Krom’gar bomb has been cleared out, but the land still looks scarred from the explosion.  Even with the work that’s been done to re-level the soil for replanting, the terrain just looks skewed, almost as it the ground itself is still trying to pull away from the impact point.  At the very center of the impact, the ground still looks scorched.

And then there’s the smell.  I don’t even know how to describe it, but it hangs in the air.  How many months ago now?  And you can still smell it.  That stink of burning trees and charred flesh and sulfur and a hint of blood.  I can’t think of any time ever in my life when a smell was PALPABLE – you can actually FEEL it on its way into your nose.

Most of all, though, the grove is just hauntingly still.  I don’t mean quiet, or tranquil, or uneventful even.  I mean STILL.  Like the whole place was just frozen.  Like the land itself decided it couldn’t bear what we’d allowed to happen here, and time decided it wasn’t going on another step.  Nothing moves.  Nothing makes a sound.  Just endless stillness in an empty landscape under dank, ruined air.

Or maybe I’m letting my imagination run away with me.  Who knows.

I looked around the grove for I don’t know how long, and didn’t really find anything noteworthy, other than tons and tons of nothing.  I saw some of the attempts at construction D&U had mentioned, that had just crumbled apart, and walked through some of the failed attempts at fields.  Nothing really telling, just mode fodder for the eerie heap.  But I knew “it’s kinda spooky” really wasn’t any kind of an answer, so I just stayed around and kept watching, wandering in circles, looking around until dusk fell.

Then it started making more sense.

As the grove grew darker, I started spotting dark figures moving in the distance.  I wasn’t even sure at first how many – it could have just been one weaving in and out of sight, or many, I wasn’t sure.  Like I said, I’m not superstitious, but I’ve got to admit I couldn’t help but think of the name the men had given the weirdness here, and wonder if I was about to run into yet another dead Horde officer come back to haunt me.  But the shapes I was seeing were much too big to be an orc, even hopped up from shadow-necro-whatchamafuckery, so I pulled myself together pretty quick and starting making double time around the grove to find out what they were.  They were huge and lumbering, moving around slowly, actually lurking more than moving, but in the growing darkness I wasn’t able to get a clear look until I was almost on top of them.

Faceless ones.  About a dozen or so, skulking around the place.

I don’t have to tell you I’ve already had way, way, WAY more than enough of all this Twilight Old God tentacle-beasty bullshit, so once I knew what I was dealing with I didn’t waste much time putting Gorehowl to work.  As I was cutting through the first couple of those ugly fuckers, I started noticing more movement scattered around the grove.  I kept making my way around, hunting down the faceless ones, and I was able to pin down the new shapes that were moving – tentacles, sprouting from the ground, budding out of the earth gradually, a few at a time, like some sick mockery of the fields we’d been trying to plant.

At least we know why the soil had turned bad on us, I suppose.  And what had gone wrong with construction, too – while I was making my rounds I spotted a few of the tentacles lashing randomly at some of the half-finished scaffolding in the area.  It’s really these tentacles that concerns me a lot more than the faceless ones.  I hacked down as many of them as I could, but who knows how much good it’ll do.  It’s like when you have weeds in your garden – you can go around yanking out the stems all night, but who knows how deep the roots go.

I’d gotten reports of an infestation like this at Stonetalon Peak, tendrils sprouting from some sort of Old God spawn…apparently the infestation runs through more of the mountains than we thought.  Granted, these particular beasties seem to be pretty small potatoes – the tentacles died fast enough, and even the faceless ones were a lot weaker than others I’ve run across before.  Maybe the Old Gods are weakened some after what happened with Deathwing.  Maybe not.  Hard to say.  Either way, though, I don’t much like the look of this, not least of all because if we have more of these tendrilly freakshows cropping up, it’s not much of a stretch to think there might still be some Twilights up to something too.

I’m going to have to send out some more recon teams to check up on this.  Old Gods, Twilights, whatever, I don’t want any of them getting a chance to come up for air.  Especially that damned cult.  I kind of have an axe to grind with them.  And by “grind,” I mean “cleave as deep as possible into each and every one of their skulls.”

Ahn’Qiraj

We’re not there yet, but things are starting to come together.

I met up with Garona in Silithus at the Scarab Gate.  Based on the information we’d gotten from Skarr, the phylactery of Cho’gall is in Silithus (And by the way, did I mention I’m getting sick sick SICK of all the running around I’ve been stuck doing for this operation? Would it have killed them to set this all up within a few blocks?), and the final destination is going to be C’thun’s chamber in Ahn’Qiraj – but since we didn’t know whether it was already there, or going straight there, or somewhere else in transit, we decided to hit the end point first and see if we could work backwards if necessary.  So we met outside the ruins and made our way into the old temple.

It’s been years since Horde adventurers fought their way through that place and cleared out the Qiraji that held the area, but it’s still creepy as hell in there.  The walls look like they might as well be alive, twitchy and slimy, and even knowing the Qiraji are gone, you still can’t help feeling like at any second some giant bug monster could jump out of the dirt at you.  You end up walking through the place with the weirdest uneasy feeling, like you’re constantly tricking yourself into thinking you just saw something out of the corner of your eye.

We ran into a small pack of Twilight guards as we got fairly deep into the temple, and I probably don’t need to tell you how that went for them.  (Heh.)  We finally reached C’thun’s chamber in the heart of the temple, where we found a pair of Twilight cultists unpacking several crates of random conjuring doohickies and reagents, arranging them around the room… And by the way, as if the place didn’t already have enough creepy factor going for it, some of C’thun’s remains were still there.  Dead for years and it’s still there, looking fresh enough that you’d half expect it to wake up.  Maybe those Old Gods have something about them that prevents them from decomposing the way the rest of us do when we die.  Curse of flesh, right?  End to end, I’m pretty sure this stop is going to do wonders for my dreams come nighttime…

Anyhow… the cultists weren’t much more of an issue than the guards were, other than the fact that these guys needed to be taken alive, what with them probably knowing the most about what was going on.  Still, it didn’t take too much doing to subdue them, and then Garona and I dragged them off into separate rooms to question them separately.  No comment on how much beating either of them ended up taking.  Just take my word that they’re both still alive.  Mostly.  Can’t go killing THESE cultists just yet, at least till we’re sure we don’t need any more info from them.  Anyway, point is, we were able to get some information from them.

The phylactery isn’t in the temple now, but is being moved around the zone to prevent it from staying in one place for too long.  There’s a Twilight agent going around with an entourage from camp to camp while the cultists here get everything ready for the ritual.  Once they’re ready, they’re supposed to send up a signal, and the courier will know to make the final delivery.

I’m FAIRLY sure I can persuade them to fill us in on how they’re supposed to give the signal.  (Heh.)  Which means that (a) there’s no signal going out until we let it happen, and (b) we can control when it DOES go out.  Which means, now we’re in business.

So here’s the plan.

Garona’s going to stay in Ahn’Qiraj while I head back to Orgrimmar and arrange for a Kor’kron stealth team to head down to Silithus quietly.  We’ll move them into the temple, set up shop, and then once we have the place secured and have all the back exits and trap doors covered, we’ll give the signal for the Twilight courier to bring home the phylactery.  After all, if it’s on the move all over the zone, why spend our time chasing it all over the place, when we can just have it hand delivered, right?

On my way out of Silithus I stopped at Cenarion Hold and talked to Commander Mar’alith.  As a matter of fact, when we were first heading to Silithus, I kind of figured Cenarion support might be handy before all was said and done, so…spirits help me…I sent a letter to ol’ Lather-on-us in Northrend.  I figured since he’s wanting to make nice with me now that he thinks I’m cutting back on the veal (HAH!), he might be able to put in a good word for us with his Cenarion friends.  Pretty much just told him we’re working on an operation against the Twilight’s Hammer, who want to destroy the world, and if they do, it might be bad for the animals.  That perked him up right quick.

So Ma’alith knew I’d probably be coming, and he’s agreed to help with the operation by stepping up the Cenarion patrols of the zone to make sure no cultists leave Silithus without us knowing.  Meanwhile I’m having an entire battalion posted in the passageway between Silithus and Un’goro Crater, and putting the Kor’kron Air Guard on constant patrol around the zone.  Between us and the Cenarions, nobody, but nobody, is getting out of Silithus without our say-so.  Which means the phylactery is sealed up in Silithus, not going anywhere, until we get our people in position to spring the trap.

And speaking of which, on my way up to Durotar, I’m making a stop at Brackenwall Village to talk with Krog and the others.

Hold on tight, kids.  I have an idea.

 

 

[Header image provided by Clara from Come Get tha Voodoo, via Rioriel of Postcards From Azeroth.  Click here to see the souped-up Postcard version!]

Conversations with crazy people

So back to business.  Now that some of the holiday festivities are behind us, it’s about time I fill you all in on what’s been going on with this whole phylactery business.

Like I was saying a few days ago, after Garona and I captured Skarr we brought him back to Stonemaul Hold and held him for questioning for a while.  Good thing is that it ended up not taking too much to get some partial answers out of him.  Mokvar was on hand to record the interrogation, so I’ve copied a part below so you can see how things went.  I cut out some early stuff with Skarr just being generally crazy before we started getting actual information, but I think you’ll get the idea.

 

GARONA:  I’m not sure we’re getting anywhere.  Do you think we should bring in that ogre from Brackenwall?

GARROSH:  Draz’Zilb?  No, that won’t work here.

GARONA:  Why not?  It got you what you needed from that Grimtotem.

SKARR:  Foolish bulls, cows, grazing in the woods, running around and back and forth, chasing their tails, they look for Skarr, they look, but no, they never find him, stupid cows, never look the right way in front of behind them and see…

GARROSH:  First of all, Draz’Zilb’s voodoo mojo thingy was all about forcing the prisoner to come face to face with their greatest fears until they give in just out of self-preservation.

GARONA:  So?

GARROSH:  You think self-preservation is the way to go with a lunatic?  A lunatic working for the Old Gods, for that matter?  Either he’s crazy enough to think they’re going to spare him…

SKARR:  Preserved, yes, kept for the masters, held for them, alive, alive, need Skarr alive, all of us alive until we all die, die for the masters, die in glory, die in flame, HAHA!

GARROSH:  …or he knows he’s going to end up dead.  And signed on for it anyway.  Either way, we’re not dealing with a normal mind here.

SKARR:  Haha, you talk like Skarr not here!  Skarr knows!  Skarr mind have more than you think, Skarr almost outsmart so smart you think, you think, you…you… <stares>

GARROSH:  Besides…Draz’Zilb’s thing will kill him.

SKARR:  HAH!  Kill!  Kill!  All around, blackness all, all awaiting.  It comes, it comes, crawling, swarming…

GARONA:  I’m not so sure that’s a bad thing.

SKARR:  Death comes for you all.  HAHA!

GARROSH:  No.  We want this one alive.  He’s not just some random foot soldier.

SKARR:  Stupid foolish cows.

Garrosh leans in close, staring into Skarr’s face.

GARROSH:  There’s something in there.

GARONA:  We’ll get it.

Skarr grins wide and lets out a crazed laugh.

GARROSH:  But before too long the Twilights are going to know he’s gone missing, and it’s not going to take a whole lot of brain power to figure out where he went.  Hell, with all the spies they seem to have, they might already know.

SKARR:  Stupid orcses, think you so smart, Skarr outsmart you, almost outsmart and hack and hack and kill in the woods!

GARROSH:  Wow he’s proud of that poison move.

GARONA:  Sharper than most ogres would think to do, I’ll grant him.

GARROSH:  But, point is…if we kill him, they’ll find out quick enough.  And then they’ll know we have everything he knew.  So we keep him alive.

SKARR:  Hold Skarr, yes, yes, keep me close, watching – HAH! – waiting, watching, tick, tock, the hour comes, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock…

Garrosh leans in closer, still staring.

GARROSH:  Oh, don’t worry, Skarr.  You’ll still die eventually.

SKARR:  <grin fades>  Orc die too.  Die in fire!  Shadow and flame, tick, tock, the Hour of Twilight comes…

GARROSH:  <shakes head>  No… See, Skarr, that’s just it.  Your big bad hot-shit apocalypse we’re all going to die in?  It’s not coming.

Skarr’s face melts into a scowl as he glares at Garrosh in silence.

And you’re going to live just long enough to know that you lost.

Garrosh walks away from the ogre and stands by Garona, both of them watching him intently.

SKARR:  <mutters>  Tick, tock…

GARROSH:  Would be nice if he didn’t just talk in circles, though.

GARONA:  That’s fine.  Let him talk in circles.  That’s good.

SKARR:  Yes, yes, round and round, circling spinning, circles closing, closing, always closing in around you…tick, tock, tick…

GARROSH:  See?  How is that good?

GARONA:  Remember, I’ve done my share of interrogations, too.  The Twilight’s Hammer…the humans…

SKARR:  Stupid stupid foolish cows, chasing, chasing, chasing their tails…

GARONA:  Crazy or not, when they talk in circles, you just have to let them keep talking.  Let them keep circling.  It means they’re circling around what they know.  Sooner or later they’ll give you what you want…because they don’t know how to talk about anything else.

SKARR:  Skarr know what orcs want.

GARONA:  And this one, he wants to tell us.

GARROSH:  The what you say?

SKARR:  DIE!  FLAME AND SHADOW!

GARONA:  Have you ever had a conversation with someone where they kept steering it back to the same topics over and over?

GARROSH:  I’ve…had the experience.

GARONA:  It’s the same idea.

SKARR:  Skarr knew you come, he knew…

GARONA:  They keep coming back to the things they want to talk about.  And especially this one…I bet he’s dying to let it out.  Aren’t you, Skarr?

SKARR:  Burn and drown and crush and suffocate!  HAHAH!

GARROSH:  Fuck, how did THIS guy get put on a job like this?

GARONA:  Mmhmm, exactly.

GARROSH:  Huh?

GARONA:  He’s probably never been trusted with something this important before.  Have you, Skarr?  Just another ogre, a good enough fighter probably, but really nothing special.  But then the Twilight’s Hammer comes along…

SKARR:  They need Skarr!  Skarr knows, Skarr sees…since the Maul…

GARONA:  You were there when Cho’gall came to the Maul, weren’t you?  Had his gathering with the Gordunni…

SKARR:  Skarr look into it…look into nothing, nothing, Skarr know then, Skarr know, nothing all the way down…

Garona steps closer to Skarr, watching his face.

GARONA:  He saw something in you, didn’t he?  Cho’gall.  Ogre to ogre.  And he trusted you.

SKARR:  All the way down…

GARONA:  It must have been a good feeling.

GARROSH:  You’re not going to start getting all touchy-feely now, are you?

GARONA:  You must have been so…proud.

GARROSH:  Because really, it’s not a good look for you.

SKARR:  Cho’gall trust Skarr.  Cho’gall give Skarr.  Give Skarr vision, give Skarr the truth, give Skarr, give Skarr purpose—

GARONA:  Gave you the phylactery.  And a mission to keep it safe, is that it?

Skarr falls silent.

GARROSH:  I don’t get why THIS guy would be the caretaker of something that important, though.

GARONA:  Have you SEEN the other ogres?

GARROSH:  Yeah, none of them are exactly geniuses, but still, I’m not seeing what’s so different about this one.

SKARR:  Skarr BELIEVE.

GARROSH:  You believe.  Believe what?

GARONA:  Don’t you get it?  Everything.  The whole hopeless crusade… You were the only one who really GOT it, weren’t you, Skarr?

SKARR:  Others say.  Others pretend.  Or tell Cho’gall what they think he want, not listening, never listening, silly brothers, never listen, never seeing, lost in the forest, blind for the trees, fight over ashes in house aflame, fire and shadow, burn and crush and drown—

GARROSH:  Fighting in a burning house…

GARONA:  The others wanted to get on Cho’gall’s good side as a means to an end – power, riches, rewards.  But see?  Those are all…well…things of this world.  As long as there are still things left in the world that you want, then you still haven’t really given up.

GARROSH:  <nodding>  He was the only one in the burning house going “Fuck it, let it burn…”

SKARR:  Skarr look into nothing and nothing look back…nothing see nothing, nothing see itself, mirrors in mirrors and circles and circles, round and round into nothing…and it was good…

GARONA:  Cho’gall wanted to see who had given up.

SKARR:  Nothing, nothing, all the way down…

GARROSH:  Okay… So I get it, Skarr.  The other ogres, yeah, they were busy focusing on what would be in it for them if the Twilights won, and that’s fine for the battleground fodder, right?  For your garden variety foot soldiers, you don’t care if they’re just in it for the paycheck…but for the inner circle, you want the people who are all-in, is that it?

SKARR:  Cho’gall notice Skarr.  Cho’gall remember.  Keep in mind, keep in mind…

GARROSH:  So when the time came for him to hide the phylactery away, you were the one he went to.

GARONA:  The one who was worthy.

GARROSH:  So fine.  You’re the chosen one.  Kudos to you, nice job on the hopeless despair, real feather in your cap there.  So what happened to it?  If you’re the keeper of this big-fucking-deal trust, what are you doing hiding in a broken-down gnoll village?

SKARR:  Stampede the Maul…clatter of hoofs, rattle of swords…

GARROSH:  The Grimtotem.

GARONA:  It adds up.  He was up in Dire Maul at some point, and that’s where the Grimtotem started hitting more of late.  It makes sense he would head south to make sure they didn’t find what they were after.

GARROSH:  So he high-tailed it down to the Lower Wilds with the phylactery, and…wait a minute.  If the Twilights already HAD the damn thing, what’s this whole big production been about?  Why have those cultists running around hitting the ogre hot spots like they were looking for something when they already knew where it was?

GARONA:  Why are you having our people in Dustwallow carry on like the ogres there might still be holding the phylactery?

GARROSH:  I…ah.

GARONA:  It’s just a way to keep the Grimtotem busy looking for it, keep them one move behind…

SKARR:  <chuckling madly>  Chasing their tails, chasing their tails, silly stupid cows…

GARROSH:  Just a big misdirect.

GARONA:  Mmhmm.

GARROSH:  Should I be worried that this cult and I seem to think so much alike?

GARONA:  No comment.

GARROSH:  Well hang on again, wasn’t the whole point with the Grimtotem that they were trying to find this thing BEFORE the Twilights?  How did they even get started on a race to fins something that wasn’t lost?

GARONA:  Who knows where the Grimtotem were getting their information?  Or exactly how they were putting the details together?  Look at it – they could have learned somehow that the Twilight’s Hammer needs the phylactery to bring back Cho’gall.  Which they do.  And that it’s somewhere among the ogres.  Which is was.  Beyond that, who knows?  There’s a million ways they could have gotten the details twisted around, mistaken it being hidden for being lost…

GARROSH:  So where is it now?

Garrosh and Garona both turn to Skarr.

WHERE.  IS IT.  NOW?

SKARR:  <chuckles>  Safe.

GARROSH:  Well it sure as hell isn’t in that camp you were staying at, I know that much.  We turned the place upside down after we got your fat ass under wraps.

SKARR:  Not matter, not matter, what you do with Skarr not matter, Skarr do his job, Skarr… What happen now…not in Skarr’s hands.

GARONA:  They have it.

GARROSH:  Is that it, you big ball of crazy?  You finished your end of the job keeping it safe, and you handed it off to the cult?  Pass it along then stay behind to make sure it looks like there’s still a search on while everybody else spins their wheels?

SKARR:  Tick, tock, tick—

GARROSH:  <pummel>

SKARR:  <silenced>

GARROSH:  KNOCK IT OFF with the idiot tick-tock bullshit.

SKARR:  Sliding sands through the glass, through the hourglass, slipping away…

GARROSH:  And that goes for whatever other time-passing metaphors you’ve got up your sleeve!

SKARR:  Sands passing, sands sliding, slipping, sifting, sifting, shifting sands, shifting, sifting, si—

GARROSH:  So help me, ogre—

GARONA:  Wait, wait, I think I get it.

GARROSH:  Oh.  Yeah.  Of course.  Why didn’t I realize you could speak fluent crazy?

GARONA:  I’m SERIOUS.  The sands.  It’s not a random time metaphor there just to taunt you.

GARROSH:  What then?

GARONA:  And by the way, since when is “metaphor” a part of your vocabulary, anyway?

GARROSH:  Keeping on track, please?

GARONA:  Well I’m just saying, metaphors?  You?

GARROSH:  Why do people keep talking like I’m some kind of illiterate moron?  I DO write poetry on the side—

GARONA:  You do?  Poetry?

GARROSH:  —so you’ll EXCUSE me if I actually managed to pick up a literary device here and there, okay?

GARONA:  Do you write a lot of poetry?

GARROSH:  Can you PLEASE stay focused?  The sand thing isn’t a metaphor, fine, and yes I know what the fuck a metaphor is, stop the presses, big fucking deal, so what IS it?  And so help me, if you get smart as say it’s a simile—

GARONA:  Is that the one with “like” or “as”?

GARROSH:  Really not the point.

GARONA:  I’m just wondering, I always get those mixed up.  Metaphors are the ones without “like” or “as,” right?  And similes are with “like” or “as”?

GARROSH:  Oh for fuck’s sake.  YES, fine, similes use “like” or “as”, are you happy now?  HERE, just to illustrate the fucking point: “I would really LIKE to get out of this conversation AS soon AS possible,” can we fucking move on please?

GARONA:  That really doesn’t sound like a simile.

GARROSH:  <rubbing head>  You were actually doing pretty okay today, you really were.

SKARR:  Circling, circling, round and round, endless wailing, endless darkness, darkness dying souls…

GARROSH:  Right there with you, Skarr.

GARONA:  And what’s that supposed to mean?

GARROSH:  How about we focus on what something ELSE is supposed to mean, like say, I don’t know, the fucking thing about the sands which apparently aren’t going through the hourglass, and…oh fuck, wait, is it the Caverns of Time?  Sands of the hourglass sounds like of Nozdormu-y, is that it?

GARONA:  I just said it wasn’t a metaphor.

GARROSH:  Well technically, that would be pretty literal, not a metaphor.

GARONA:  How would that be literal?

GARROSH:  Um, he was referring to sands passing through an hourglass, and that’s time, and those are the Caverns of Time, where all kinds of timey whimey stuff goes down – I’m not sure how much more literal you can get than that.

GARONA:  Yes, I get the connection, but an hourglass is still a metaphor for time in that context, isn’t it?

GARROSH:  If you really want to split hairs, I suppose, but it’s more kind of a dead metaphor.

GARONA:  A dead metaphor?

GARROSH:  You heard me.

GARONA:  What the hell is that?  I think you’re making this stuff up now.

GARROSH:  I’m not making anything up, it just so happens I’ve read a fucking book or two in my life, is there a problem with that?

GARONA:  And besides, why would they send the phylactery to the Caverns of Time?  How does that make any sense at all?  The place is crawling with bronze dragons who are on our side.

GARROSH:  Well then what’s YOUR answer, little Miss Brainstorm?

GARONA:  Although I suppose it’s not that big of a stretch, since there’s also that whole thing about sand, and there is a lot of sand in Tanaris, and in a roundabout way that’s kind of—

SKARR:  It’s Silithus!  For N’Zoth’s sake, it’s fucking SILITHUS!  FUCK!  Twilight agents picked up the phylactery, and they’re delivering it to SILITHUS, okay?  Can you just SHUT UP now?!

GARONA:  See!  SEE?!  I knew it!  I KNEW it was Silithus!

GARROSH:  I think you’re really overlooking the most illuminating part of that little outburst.

GARONA:  Because, you see, the Twilight’s Hammer has always had a presence there, and then there’s the reference to “shifting sands”…

GARROSH:  No, really, you want to step back and look at the bigger picture here.

SKARR:  In order to carry out the resurrection, they need the residual energies from C’thun’s chamber in Ahn’Qiraj to focus the spell.  It’s where Cho’gall tried to restore C’thun to this world, and the place is attuned to his spirit as a result…

GARONA:  And see, even the words he was using – shifting, sliding, slipping, sifting, Silithus!

GARROSH:  Right, it’s Silithus, we get it.

GARONA:  I’m just saying, it’s exactly what I thought it was!

GARROSH:  Yeah, good for you, that’s great.

GARONA:  I could have told you, too, if you’d have let me get a word in edgewise.

GARROSH:  I…what?

GARONA:  Instead of going on about what a big literary expert you’re supposed to be.

GARROSH:  I never said I was—

GARONA:  You’ll notice who actually managed to read between the lines and figure out what was going on here, though.

GARROSH:  I SAID good job.

GARONA:  Yes, but there was a tone.

GARROSH:  There was not a tone.

GARONA:  I picked up a tone.

GARROSH:  I think I would know if I had a tone!

GARONA:  Because you’re such an unparalleled master of language, is that it?

GARROSH:  For fuck’s sake, here we go again.

GARONA:  I need to see this poetry of yours, by the way.

SKARR:  Is she always like this?

 

After this point I was heading back to Orgrimmar for Winter’s Veil stuff, which came in handy since it let me put a little distance between me and Garona, who let me tell you, dialed it up to eleven after the way things finished up with Skarr.  Meanwhile she’s gone ahead to Silithus to start chasing down the Twilights.  I’ll be heading down soon myself.  With any luck we can make some quick progress before the Twilights piece together that something is up.

The Hour (and fifty-seven minutes) of Twilight

One of my comments from the other day mentioned some of the machinima that gets made for Earth Online.  Now obviously there are a lot of fan-made videos, and some of those are pretty impressive.  Music parodies, for instance, kind of inspired by real-world artists like EmberIsolte or GreyFoo or whoever.  (Yeah, yeah, I know they’re Alliance, but hey, art cuts across all boundaries, right?  When the Alliance finally crumbles before the might of the Horde, I’ll probably let the handful of them live so they can perform at Trollapalooza down in Sen’jin.)

But another one of the impressive things about Earth Online is how much work they put into incorporating machinima into the game as part of the world culture.  The game has a HUGE amount of cut scenes built into it, and while some of them are directly connected to questlines and other gameplay, there’s also a ton of them that are just there to help flesh out the game world – basically the idea is that the videos are supposed to be what the in-game citizens of Earth watch for entertainment.  You go to various viewing centers in the world, and click on something to start the movie, and it’ll just run on your screen while your character is “watching” it in-game.  Thing is, it’s really pretty amazing that they put as much effort as they did into making these things, seeing as the ones that are there for the world culture really don’t serve much practical gaming purpose, other than maybe drop a clue or two about some of the quests you might go on at some point.  But they still put in the time and effort to create them just to add more depth to the world.  They must really be raking in the gold on subscription fees if they can afford to pay people to crank these things out, let me tell you.

The other cool thing about these built-in videos is the way they’ve based so many of them on things in the real world.  Earth Online is packed full of little in-jokes like that, but these machinima especially.  For example, there’s a series of pretty lengthy films obviously based on the actual adventures of Harrison Jones.  (For anyone new to Earth Online, by the way – totally check out the first three if you can find them, they’re really well done.  But the fourth one, seriously, don’t even bother.  I have no idea what they were thinking.  I mean really, ETHEREALS?)  Or, they have another series of machinima about these giant mechanicals, where the main villain is obviously supposed to be a reference to Negatron out in Netherstorm.

But here’s the one I get the biggest kick out of, really.  There’s this series of horror-ish videos about this really bizarre (and kinda lame) (without the “kinda” part) love triangle between a human woman, this San’layn dude, and a worgen.  They don’t actually call them San’layn or worgen in the movie, but that’s obviously what they are.  But that’s not even the important part, because by itself that’s not really all that interesting, but they manage to add this one more layer of reference to it that actually makes it kind of genius.  See, these horrory love-triangle-ish videos are actually really…well…they’re just awful.  Like just horrifyingly bad.  Like bad on the level that it gives you THAT feeling – you know the one, The Feeling you get when you see something so shitty that you’re embarrassed not just for yourself for actually watching it, not even just for everyone who was involved in making it because they have to have their names on such a piece of shit forever, but you actually feel embarrassed on behalf of your entire civilization for having collectively allowed it to come into existence.  You know, THAT level of bad?  The kind of bad that actually makes you hope for the end of the world, just because any world that could allow something like this to happen just DESERVES to come to an end.

So, you’re probably wondering, how does that make these videos a GOOD thing?  Sounds pretty awful, right?  Well here’s the thing.  It’s the in-joke that makes them awesome.  Because get this – they’re all called “Twilight” something-or-other.  Think about that a second.  These horrifying, nightmarishly bad movies that just make you want to root for the end of the world…are all named after the insane cult that’s actually trying to bring ABOUT the end of the world, and restore the Old Gods in some horrifying nightmare apocalypse.  Really, let that sink in for a minute.

Seriously, how is that NOT fucking beautiful?