Archive for night elves

Monday mailbag

Posted in Mailbag with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 1, 2015 by Garrosh Hellscream

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Time to dip back into the ol’ mailbag. Let’s see what we’ve got this time around…

 

Hail, Warchief,

Firstly, I thank you for accepting Grimjaw into the Kor’kron fold, and hope he will serve you well; secondly, my apologies for the depressive content of my letters – it was not my intention to “bring the room down”.

Instead, I will share some good news with you: my son has taken to training as a warrior and will be ready to take his Om’riggor – his rite of passage – next year, and my daughter has taken to learning the shamanic arts. I have high hopes for both of them.

Also, there’s something I think you should hear, Warchief. Another of my wolves – Golmash, I call him, after your grandfather, whose legend is known even to me – has a black pelt and a set of eerie green eyes. And I don’t mean in the dark, slimy green of a swamp so much as a strange, otherworldly glare. I didn’t think anything of it the first time I noticed, but since then I’ve been feeling strangely ill-at-ease whenever he looks at me. I did some research into the nature of these eyes and what I’ve found… is both confusing and disturbing.

On one hand, the eye colour is not unique or unnatural (so far as anyone can tell); on the other hand, only one particular wolf dynasty has ever had them, and rarely so. This dynasty, dubbed “moonwolf”, lived in Shadowmoon Valley until the arrival of the Legion and the corruption of the land that ensued, and the last known scion of this lineage was Skychaser, the companion of Ner’zhul. The fate of the fallen Great Shaman is well-known, but no one knows what happened to his wolf.

I have never had any encounter with that particular lineage, and so far as I can tell, Golmash is strictly of Frostwolf and Nagrandeur descent; thus, the cause of his haunting eyes remains a mystery. How should I proceed from here, Warchief? I am loathe to create a problem where there is none, but something in my gut tells me sinister things are afoot.

Yours faithfully,

–Ogunaro Wolfrunner, Kennel Master

Hey again, Ogunaro. Grimjaw’s gotten settled in over at the Kor’kron stables. I’ve been over to have a look at him, and he IS a pretty fine looking wolf. Like I mentioned last time, I’ve got something in mind for him, but it’s going to be a little bit before I get that going. The timing is kind of up in the air for the time being, but hopefully things will fall into place soon. I’ll keep you updated as things go.

As for this mystery wolf of yours (appreciate the shout-out to Golmash, by the way… well, unless it turns out there’s something seriously fishy going on with him, in which case, gee, thanks for dragging my grandfather into it)… that does sound pretty weird. I can’t say I’ve run into any glowy green-eyed wolves myself, and I’ve ridden more than my share over the years. Still, I don’t want to start running around cooking up crazy stories and conspiracy theories, especially when you sound like you’ve got a good sense of the line this wolf came from. So for right now, what I’d recommend is keeping a close watch on him and maybe keep him apart from your other wolves when you’re not able to monitor them. Is there anything strange about his behavior? How does he get along with the other wolves? Or with you, for that matter? Anything you’ve noticed about him that’s different from most wolves, OTHER than the green eyes?

This is definitely worth monitoring, but I don’t want to start panicking straight away. The Ner’zhul connection is creepy as fuck, but I also don’t put a lot of stock in ghost stories. Unless the ghost in question is one of those bankers down at the Undercity, because funny enough, those dudes actually DO come up with some pretty good stock tips. FYI.

Grats on your kids coming along with their training, by the way. Are they working with anyone in the military trainee program, or has it been individual class training so far? I’ve got a bunch of trainees studying under me, but then you probably already knew that if you read the blog. Your son’s coming up on his om’riggor next year, huh? He must be pretty advanced at this point, in that case. I’m hoping some of mine will be ready for the rite before too long, but right now that’s pretty dependent on…well, a bunch of things. No need to belabor ’em with you. I’m sure you know the drill. Next year would be pretty nice, though.

Anyway, I’ll keep you posted on what’s up with Grimjaw. And the other wolf thing.

 

Well well, Hellscream,

It seems serendipity brought me and your little “trainee” together. But I’ll elaborate on that in a moment. First, let me tell you that Boulderfist purchased our computer equipment from a rather enterprising goblin shaman and obtained our Internet as spoils of war from the Shadow Council. How they can be smart enough to create working Internet here on Outland and yet foolish enough to serve the Burning Legion is beyond me, but then there it is. Now about your trainee…

I was naturally curious when several of my ogres came wandering up the hill to me complaining about an outbreak of headaches. As it happens, they had incurred these headaches from being repeatedly smashed in the face (and other places) with a shield by an eager, cheerful little orc girl with a potbelly worthy of a ogre woman (few of them that there are). How fortunate that she isn’t as good at killing ogres as she thinks; I settled for reproaching my men for being stupid enough to let a orcling child knock the stuffing out of them. Some claim the ordeal has left them dumber – but frankly, dear Hellscream, I doubt that very much, and if it has, it hasn’t made that much difference.

At any rate, even allowing for the fact that she didn’t know about our truce, as I discovered when I caught her lurking around the Laughing Skull Ruins watching that brute of a shaman Mogor pounding a group of fledgling Alliance “heroes” into the ground and confronted her, there is a certain principle about truces that has to be upheld – namely, the principle that you don’t attack the people you have a truce with. So when I learned of this Jorin Blackeye or whatever his name was continuing to send adventurers after my ogres, I decided a response was called-for.

We lured him out of Garadar under the pretense of discussing a peace settlement concerning the village of Halaa with the Kurenai Broken, and there I confronted him about his actions. I had hoped to settle things in a reasonable way, but not only did he spout some nonsense about “no forgiveness” and whatnot, he took the time to pass comment about my Burning Blade heritage before he started to walk away. After that… well, it’s very embarassing. He sort of walked right into my blade. Face-first, no less. And my blade brushed against his one good eye. All completely by accident. How very careless of the both of us.

Anyway, given that he was using that eye for no-good purposes, perhaps it is an acceptable casualty. I hear he has not dared show his face in public since then – with an injury like that, I know I wouldn’t – and that his clan are electing a new leader. Hopefully they’ll be more understanding from now on.

By the way, speaking of Mogor, the brute and I have reached an accord: a permanent end to the fighting between our clans and the merging of Boulderfist and Warmaul into a single clan, as it was long ago, under the name Burning Skull (somehow, Laughing Blade just doesn’t have the same ring to it). We’re interested in signing on with your Horde – I admit, I’m curious about meeting another of my own kind, even if she is very different from me, and the contribution I can offer you seems like a fitting gesture.

Mogor has portalled us to a small goblin harbour in the Barrens. We’ll be in Grommash Hold soon to discuss terms.

–Lantresor of the Blade

Okay, you know what? Not going to lie. Not a whole lot registered other than the part about Jorin getting a little what-for. In the face. Jorin Blackeye indeed. Heh. HeheheHAH. HAHAHAHA. Such a dick.

So wait, did you actually get his eye, or JUST graze him, or what? I get that you did some damage, but eyes are tricky territory, and even a little extra flick of the blade one way or the other could… hmm… you know, come to think of it, probably best not to dwell on it. I’ll probably end up hearing through channels soon enough.

So speaking of trainees, you realize that when Mirembe sees your letter, of all the stuff you brought up, all she’s going to notice is the “potbelly” part, right? I can almost hear the letter landing in my inbox now.

Also, eesh, surprise guests. I better have Marogg whip up some food to greet these people with when they get here. I wonder if he still has any of that Darkspear rice sitting around for his jambalaya. Pretty tasty stuff, actually, as long as the rice wasn’t sitting around trollville for too long, in which case you end up getting this weird dizzy feeling if you eat too much of it.

 

Hey, uh, Boss?

I was perusing this here blog and I noticed the letter you got from Lantresor. Now, readin’ between the lines here I gotta say… it sounds like that is one lonely half-orc-half-draenei dude lookin’ to get all buddy-buddy with the father of the — *looks around nervously and makes a circuit of the room listening for stealthy swoosh sounds* — youngest and most attractive of the only two lady half-orc-half-draenei girls in the world. Which makes me question his motivations, if you hear what I’m sayin’ and know what I mean.

Not that Shayari can’t handle herself or deal with unwanted attention, but… I’m just sayin’…

Also, not for nothin’, but I hear that Lantresor is a huge complainer. An acquaintance of mine worked with him for a while, and all he ever did was whine, whine, whine. “How long are we going to stay here?” And, “I miss the grassy plains of Nagrand!” Oh boo hoo hoo! Drove everyone else bonkers.

Have a good one!

–Khizzara.

Oh, PS: I dropped a buncha flowers off for Gurtash. Wish I could do something more, but as a mage I’d probably only make things worse. And as a goblin, I might uh, make him explode. Kinda counterproductive for the healin’.

Yeah, that Lantresor guy is…

Hang on.

<thinks>

Oh FUCKING HELL, SERIOUSLY?

I… he… you mean… HOW THE FUCK OLD IS THAT GUY, ANYWAY?

I’m… suddenly feeling a strange craving for dead ogres.

Wait, that would mean giving Jorin the satisfaction. And not for anything, but I refuse to live in a universe where Jorin Blackeye—erm, I mean Deadeye… is validated.

And yet.

Fuck. Rock and a hard place.

HANG ON HANG ON HE’S ON HIS WAY HERE TOO, LIKE SOON AND SHIT.

Dammit. If he’s out cruising for half-orc, half-draenei action… maybe I can pull a bait-and-switch on him? I wonder if Garona’s doing anything this week. I could invite her to attend whatever reception I end up stuck holding for these people and really lay it on thick about how much I’d like her to be there and OH SHIT NEVER MIND THAT’S JUST GOING TO GIVE HER IDEAS.

Fucking hell, this parenting shit isn’t as easy as people make it out to be. UGH.

 

Dear Warchief:

I apologize for disturbing you, when as your loyal subject it should be my duty to relieve your stresses, not add to them, but I have a delicate question for you. (by the way, could you please appoint us Blood Elves a Regent? I got a rude note from someone calling himself “Bob” saying you had named a Lord Invincible to the post, but I’ve never seen him . . . ?)

Anyhow, I . . . met a girl. Cat. Woman. Druid. Ummm, she’s really really beautiful, and she loves it when I pet her, and she purrs when we take naps in the sunlight, and we love to just stare into each others’ eyes when she’s a cat. Not a small cat, a big black panther. But anyways, I met her as part of trying to research help for my . . . not quite alive condition. She’s with the Cenarion Circle, and I guess they had a grudge against orcs for killing Cenarius, only he’s not dead anymore so that’s ok, I hope. We started spending time together, and slaughtering murlocs, and I found out that when we’re together I can feel my heart beating again. Umm . . . is it ok that she’s a Night Elf? We stay at her cave in Moonglade when I’m not on assignment, so she won’t disturb any members of the Horde.

Hopefully,

–Sintra E’Drien of Silvermoon.

Ps. Shouldn’t Loktar Ogar mean something more like “My Victory, Their Death!”?

I… Hang on, when did this mailbag turn into the fucking Dating Game?

So hold it, Sintra, are you seriously asking me to sign off on you shacking up with a freaking NIGHT ELF? I mean, I already had ENOUGH of a headache just recently dealing with Mokvar’s human chick, and as far as I can gather SHE’S at least his EX-wife, as opposed to whatever the fuck you have going on that’s just in the early magical bloom of insert-your-greeting-card-bullshit-romantic-cliche-here.

And so, on top of the night elf part, she’s a druid, and from the sound of it you spend most of your time together with her in cat form? And you’re still technically dead… and… I don’t even KNOW what the fuck that is, like now you’re just doing the backstroke around a giant cocktail glass loaded up with some spiritsforsaken concoction of bestiality and (reverse?) necrophilia and disloyalty and furry and OMG. I mean the only part of that whole damn part of it that I can sign off on is the whole “slaughtering murlocs” thing, because let’s face it, who’s not down for good wholesome murloc slaughter? Other than the murlocs, I suppose. But who knows, maybe not. I know if I were a murloc, I would fucking hate me.

Hang on, though.

Jog my memory here, Sintra… aren’t you a blood elf chick? Because if so, and she’s… that might…

<thinks>

No. No. Never mind. Sticking with the dead-murloc-lone-highlight position. The end. Turn the page. Ahem.

I’ll be in my bunk.

 

[Keep those letter coming! Send e-mail to garrosh1337@gmail.com or use the form below. Next mailbag July 6!]

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Divine do-over

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 6, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

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So I think the internet has decided it doesn’t want me playing Earth Online for the time being.  Spazzle was right – this is what I get for trusting Grizzle Gearslip to set up a stable network.  Remind me to stick with construction and excavation projects for him from now on.

Probably just as well.  I have more important things to be focusing on right now.

First and foremost in the “more important things” file: We’re back in business on the Divine Bell front – and then some.  Courtesy, believe it or not, of some clutch work from one of the blood elves.  I know, right?  I won’t hold it against you if you need to go back and read that again to make sure you got it right.  Anyway – Fanlyr Silverthorn was able to work some Kirin Tor mojo to sneak a Horde operative into Darnassus, where the Divine Bell was being held, then teleported it out to Silvermoon.  That’s right, the night elves worked so hard to get to the Bell before us, tucked it away deep in the heart of their capital city…for like fifteen minutes, before they had it swiped right out from under them.  Oh man, would I love to have seen the looks on their faces when they figured out what happened.

Of course, you would think that this would come across as GOOD news to anyone on the Horde side of the fence, but spirits forbid I should ever have a conversation with Lor’themotherfucker that didn’t involve him crying and moaning and wetting his panties over something.  And let me tell you, he was in fine form this time around.  I could barely even figure out what the fuck he was bitching about, something about his people being put in harm’s way or some such (as if people never, EVER get put in harm’s way in the middle of, you know, A FUCKING WAR), and Jaina being pissed off about something (as if THAT’S ever a bad thing).  Seriously, I don’t know what hair he’s got up his ass, but enough is enough.  Calm down already.  Don’t flip a bench, Lori.

Anyway, I’m having the Divine Bell transported to Pandaria pronto so we can get to work.  We found another ancient mogu structure in Kun-Lai that should make for a good site to conduct the first of what should be many glorious uses of the Bell.  I’m having Malkorok hand-pick some of the very best of his Kor’kron to stand guard and participate in the proceedings.  I’m also having Ishi head up that way to supervise the setup of the Bell and help me with the first trial.  Hopefully, after Burzum went all sha-batty on us, and Krimpatul went MIA with the rest of the…casualties…at the Temple of the Red Crane, and Ishi himself got beaten to the Divine Bell by the damn night elves, well, hopefully I’ll have a blademaster finally do my Mag’har proud and help put a win on the board for us.

Once we tap into the power of the Bell – and by extension, the power of this “sha” magic – we’ll wield a power unlike anything either side has seen in this war.  And unlike the mogu, we won’t be leaving our enemies any room to rise up against us.  Never again.

Fear leads to anger

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 28, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

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Well, Elder Cloudfall arrived at Domination Point today – with monkey boy Zhi-Zhi in tow, no less – just in time to get treated to one of the very cheeriest of my cheerful moods.  Because no sooner was he on the premises than messengers arrived with a no-kidding-around one-two punch of suck.

So for starters, Ishi and his team of Kor’kron reached that mogu tomb that our scouts located, and were able to confirm that it IS the place that Shan Kien told us about…and then let a team of night elf Sentinels get in there FIRST.  Because SURE, WHY THE FUCK NOT, with the way this week has been going, right?  For fuck’s sake, how did the night elves even fucking KNOW about the tomb?  And they manage to get there AHEAD of us to boot?

Oh, but hey, don’t worry, because even though the night elves got the jump on us, Ishi and his people fought their way into the tomb and hacked their way through the elves, until they reached the Dentinel leader right on top of the Divine Bell…just in time to watch her SNAP IT UP AND HOP THROUGH A FUCKING PORTAL TO DARNASSUS.  DON’T MY MINIONS HAVE THE MOST SPECTATCULAR FUCKING TIMING?

Awesome.  JUST FUCKING AWESOME.

Oh, oh, but hang on, we’re not done with the parade of fantastic news yet.

As if losing the Divine Bell wasn’t bad enough…you know how I’d sent a detachment with Commander Scargash to that panda temple to set up an early-warning outpost for Alliance activity?  Well, they didn’t need to show much patience waiting for some Alliance activity to monitor, because as it turns out, they were attacked this morning by an Alliance force – led by Varian him-fucking-self.  Because apparently dude has nothing better to do with his time.  Based on the initial reports, losses for our side were near-total.  Including the Commander.  And very well also included…never mind.  I’m not letting myself think about it until we’ve had a chance to send some scouts to confirm.  But based on everything we have to go on at this point, it looks pretty damn bad.

I swear, if another messenger comes in here today with anything remotely resembling bad news, they’d better finish by naming their next of kin, because I would NOT want their life expectancy.

So now I get to spend the day with nothing to think about other than an assortment of things I DON’T want to think about.  Like how Varian fucking rolled on in and cost us I don’t know HOW many good people.  And how the Divine Bell — the key to my plans to tip the balance of power in this war – is now in the hands of our enemies.  And spirits know WHAT Varian’s going to do once he gets HIS grubby paws on it.  As if he hasn’t fucking done enough ALREADY.

Spirits save him when I finally get him in my sights again.  They were KIDS, dammit, and…

No.  Never mind.  I can’t even.

So Cloudfall, meanwhile, HE can just cool his jets about this Kypari field trip of his.  Right now I have bigger fish to fry than wandering off to the Land of Vague and Ominous.  Much less when I’ve got other sources telling me there’s more bad news there for me to boot.  We’ve already lost enough good people this week, thanks.  I don’t think we need more volunteers.  So he and his monkey sidekick can kick back and enjoy a little Horde hospitality until we’ve gotten a handle on things.  Ben-Lin probably won’t mind keeping Cloudfall company for a couple days anyway, and as for Zhi-Zhi, hell, goofball that he is, I’ll bet the kids will really get a kick—

Never mind.

I really need to start remembering where that fucking delete key is.

I need to go.  I think there’s a patrol leaving in a minute to do a sweep for Alliance intruders.

I need to go with them.

I need to kill something.

Monday, once again, Mailbag

Posted in From the Desk of Saurfang, Mailbag with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 6, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

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Citizens of the Horde,

It is time once again for me to respond to the various and sundry missives that have found their way to me since last week.  This time I seem to drawn the attention of some unlikely writers indeed…

 

Salutations and greetings under the Infinitely Holy Light, Varok Saurfang!  It is my hope that, with the recent change in leadership in Orgrimmar, peace talks can at some point resume.  I write to you regarding a terrible danger the seers of the Exodar have seen growing in the heart of the Horde.  I speak not of the abominable Banshee Queen or the legions of unholy warlocks infesting your cities, but of a force very close to the center of the Horde – the (currently missing) Garrosh Hellscream.  Have you seen him lately?  Before he went missing, I mean.  He looks rather terribly like a Fel Orc; I fear he has been suckling at the same festering hellteats from which his father supped.  Please, if you know it, tell me the identity of the Pit Lord whose blood he has been drinking!  The destruction of Hellscream’s demonic master will (once again) liberate the Horde from servitude in the Legion, to the great good of life throughout the Universe.

The Naaru have not forgotten you!

–Eliseth the Argent Champion, The Exodar, Azuremyst Isle

Firstly, having spent considerable time with Warchief Hellscream in Northrend, and being very much aware of his busy schedule since his move to Durotar, I can attest that no such transgressions have taken place as the drinking of demon blood.  Moreover, good Eliseth, I am troubled by your willingness to jump to conclusions based solely on the Warchief’s appearance; his skin tone is well within the range of hues common to Mag’har orcs, particularly those who suffered from the red pox in their youth, and if your comment is in some way a reference to the Warchief’s (well-publicized) cranial idiosyncrasies, I believe Warchief Hellscream himself has addressed this matter on at least one occasion.

Rest assured, therefore, that there is no demonic influence at the heart of the Horde, and, by extension, you need not worry that the Burning Legion has set its eyes once again on Azeroth.  Should the Legion indeed move against this world, you may further take comfort that we orcs will be ready to stand against them in defense of our home, and in so doing will almost certainly provide you and your eredar kin with ample time to pack.  There are, I am sure, plenty of other worlds to which you might relocate while the rest of the “Universe” about which you clearly care so much undertakes to clean up after you.

 

Dear Warchief Saurfang,

Congratulations on your elevation to leadership of the Horde.  I’m sure your peons are thrilled to have a competent commander grinding their faces into the mud of Durotar.  I’m writing to inquire about a specific aspect of foreign policy instituted under the (hopefully) late and unlamented Warchief Hellscream (may his body never be found); specifically, his declaration that “all Kalimdor belongs to the Horde”.  This claim is idiotic, unenforceable, and will serve only to utterly repudiate any overtures of peace you may wish to make.  I advise you to rescind this edict, and withdraw back past the Southfury where you belong.  Or preferably, all the way back to Draenor.  Get off our planet, alien scum!

Sincerely,

Sepharad of the Nightfall

Watcher

Darnassus, Teldrassil

Kalimdor (seriously, it belongs to the Kaldorei)

Azeroth (not your homeworld)

Greetings, Sepharad.  If you will indulge my pedantry for a moment, I would like to elucidate a few linguistic and rhetorical points that you may find beneficial in future endeavors.

Specifically, there is a concept in argument generally referred to as “ethical appeal.”  This notion, contrary to what might be suggested by its nomenclature, does not hinge on one’s “ethical” or moral goodness, but rather on the manifest ethos, or identity, which one presents in one’s interactions.  Thus, for instance, one who presents oneself as gracious and even-handed is likely to prove more persuasive than one who conveys a persona of rudeness and closed-mindedness, by virtue of their relative ethical appeal.

With this in mind, I might suggest in future missives, should you wish to urge policy change from your reader, you may do well not to open, for instance, by insinuating derision for your reader’s entire society and its adopted home; or by openly hoping for the demise of individuals about whose safety you know your readers to be sincerely concerned; or by levying thinly veiled threats, employing racial slurs, or expressing outright hostility toward your audience.  (I would also note, if you truly take such offense at “alien scum” taking up residence on other worlds, you may wish to craft an additional letter to Prophet Velen of your allies the draenei, as his people, if we are to carry out a cursory review of history, have developed something of a pattern of behavior along these lines.)

These are basic concepts of rhetoric, and it saddens me that such an ancient and storied culture as that of the night elves would apparently fail to properly educate its watchers.  Lacking a compelling argument in its support, therefore, I feel I must decline your policy recommendation.

[If at first you don’t succeed, you clearly aren’t Saurfang. –Mkvr., ed.]

With that said, if you will pardon me, a chill has begun to drift into the room, so I believe I shall go now to add a log or two of Ashenvale lumber to the fireplace.

 

Hiya Overlord Saurfang,

What’s up?  Even though we goblins in Ratchet try to keep ourselves neutral to this whole Horde/Alliance thing, I do try to keep an eye on what’s going on in the major cities – especially since I have a few cousins in the Bilgewater Cartel living with you guys in Orgrimmar now.  I noticed your post the other day about Garrosh’s wyvern getting loose, and I thought you’d be want to know about a weird moment we had here on the docks yesterday.  I was hanging around here on the dock, minding my own business, when lo and behold a wyvern flies in and lands just a few yards away, and just sits around by the end of the dock.  He wasn’t doing anything, not really even taking notice of anyone, just sitting there.  The after a while, one of our ships came in from Booty Bay.  The wyvern up and strolled onto the boat, sat himself back down, and just stayed there until the ship headed back out again.

Now, I don’t know if this was Garrosh’s wyvern.  I don’t know what his wyvern looks like, other than, you know, looking like a wyvern, and I can’t say I could really tell one wyvern from another anyway.  But I thought you might want to know about this.

–Wharfmaster Dizzywig, Ratchet

My thanks to you, Wharfmaster.  This is interesting news indeed.  While we cannot be certain that the wyvern you describe is the Warchief’s, its behavior certainly appears peculiar enough to merit investigation.  I will notify our officers in Stranglethorn Vale of this development, and expand our scouting patrols to that region.

 

Greetings, Your Warchieferousness! I hope you’re having an absolutely splendid day. I am not having an absolutely splendid day because I keep bumping my head on the doorways here in the goblin slums. I may be the cutest undead killing machine ever to rise from the battlefields of the Third War, but terrible necromantic power has no effect on goblin architecture. Could you possibly see your way clear to annulling former acting Warchief Hellscream’s edict that all races “not strong enough” to defend Orgrimmar (anyone not a tauren or orc, in Hellscream’s piggy little eyes) be banished from the city? I am an implacable harbinger of icy death, and I’m worth at least two tauren anywhere outside a goblin barbeque. I know no fear! I know no pain! I am totally strong enough to defend Orgrimmar. I want my house back.

Yours,

–Twilight Vanquisher Aimee (Knight of the Ebon Blade, not the cake vendor), Frickin’ Goblin Slums

A pity, Aimee, that you aren’t the Aimee I recall from Northrend.  Many were the evenings that I enjoyed one of her selections with my nightly Mok’nathal tea.  I recall her red velvet cake was especially sumptuous.  You might consider, in fact, looking into baking as a sideline, as I am sure you will find a great many fans should you demonstrate mastery in it; moreover, we find ourselves recently understaffed in Orgrimmar in the area of infantry cooks, so you may well find it a worthwhile avenue for career advancement.

Speaking of which, in a roundabout way, as you are a current resident of the goblin slums, how is the rice situation coming along?  Markedly improved, I would hope.

At any rate, I realize that you are not the Aimee of cakery fame, though, again, I would urge you to consider my thoughts on the matter.  Still, you certainly share a name of delicious connotation.  (Have you considered adopting a pseudonym for combat purposes, incidentally?  Though I do not doubt your martial prowess, I am unsure that “Aimee” strikes adequate fear into the hearts of your foes.  Compare: “Run! Saurfang just cleaved the heads off of the general and his squire!” “Run! Aimee is accessorizing her Lovely Pink Dress!”)

Where were we again?  You will pardon an old man for his tangents.  Ah yes, the goblin slums.

Redistricting is indeed always a controversial issue, Aimee.  I will endeavor to look into the matter, though the allocation of housing space in a high-demand, high-population area such as Orgrimmar is always precarious at best.  In the interim, have you considered investigating real estate options in nearby Razor Hill?  I am told suburban areas within easy commuting distance of the major urban centers often offer surprisingly reasonable rental costs.  (I would suggest Bilgewater Harbor as another nearby option, but I believe you have clearly established your feelings on goblin neighborhoods.)  Or, if you feel your happiness truly depends on residing in the city proper, perhaps the troll architecture of a few blocks north of you would be more suitable?

I will grant I am hardly a real estate expert – many years have passed since I paid off my mortgage on the old Nagrand split-level, and being as I am career military, I have myself always moved from one assigned quarters to the next – but I will attempt to look into matters further to see if anything can be done.

 

That is all the mail I have time to attend to his week; as always I thank you for your correspondence.  I will, of course, continue to keep you posted on our unfolding operations, friends.  Honor go with us all.

 

-Saurfang

Monday mailbag

Posted in Mailbag with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 17, 2011 by Garrosh Hellscream

So, back to business with a fresh mailbag.  Sorry I missed last week, but after everything that went down in Stonetalon, I really wasn’t up to answering letters last Monday.  Luckily that’s all in the past now, so I can get back to the blog and not be reminded of that whole disaster.  Let’s see what we’ve got this week…

 

Blood and Thunder Warchief Hellscream,

I extend my thanks to you warchief for upon your visit to Stonetalon Mountains you weeded out the corruption and “relieved of duty” Overlord Krom’Gar. Although my wife and child could not be spared before your arrival I will take your lessons to heart “honor, no matter how dire the battle never forsake it.”

My Wife and Child are now buried and I laid their remains and would ask that you would only take a moment out of your day of mountainous paperwork to remember them and honor them. ‘Lok Tar Ogar, Victory or Death’ mighty Warchief.

–High Chieftian Cliffwalker

OH FUCKING HELL, SERIOUSLY??

I mean, um, yeah.  Very sorry for your loss, Chieftain.  Respect.  (Dammit, where’s Spazzle when I need a hand with the damn erase button again?)

We should definitely set up some kind of proper memorial for your family, though.  I have to admit I’m not really up to speed on tauren traditions, so you might want to talk to someone a little more in the know to make arrangements.  I would offer to help with that myself, but I feel like it might not be such a hot idea for me to go up to Baine Bloodhoof and ask him about tauren burial customs.  Things might get a little weird.

 

Hey mon,

6 – 6 x 6 = 0.  Discuss.

–Bob, Echo Isles

Dammit this is my mailbag, not math class.

Besides, what’s there to discuss?  6 – 6 x 6 = 0, the end.  What do you want, a medal for knowing the obvious?

 

Hail, Warchief! As a concerned citizen of Silvermoon, I have a request.

As you well know, we are without a real leader just at the moment. Our King, Anastarian Sunstrider, has fallen. Our Prince, Kael’thas Sunstrider, went bat-shyte koo-koo. And our Regent-Lord, Lor’themar Theron … well, you know. Decent fellow, but mostly useless. It’d be nice to have a real King again.

Anyway, I was reading up on Earth Online the other day, about this place called “Sweden”, and this guy named “Bernadotte”, and I got an idea.

Do you have any officers that aren’t doing anything especially important? I hear Bragor Bloodfist is looking for a new posting.

–A Concerned Citizen

P.S.: I just hit the level cap on my “aeronautical engineer”, by the way. The leveling tests were pretty brutal, but the end-game looks sweet.

First of all, ACC, what’s the deal with the aeronautical engineer thing?  Is that some kind of hybrid spec?  Because I thought the talent trees were Chemical, Electrical, and Mechanical.  Did I miss something on the wiki?  Meanwhile, I’m still playing around with the veterinarian, but I also just rolled a humanities-spec teacher class (for those of you wondering, by the way, that would be the human equivalent of orcities studies).  Who knows how that will go.

Now, for your question.  See, I’d be all for installing my own people to run puppet governments for me, and saving all the trouble that comes with giving the different city leaders the leeway to do things their way, but if you don’t do it right it’s more headaches than it’s worth.  Biggest problem is it’s AWFULLY hard to keep control of a captive population if the people weren’t on board with the regime change.  Like take Magatha Grimtotem trying to stage a coup in Thunder Bluff after Cairne died.  How’d that work out for her?  Yeah.

Thing is, for you blood elves, it kinda sucks because if you’d had this idea a couple years ago, we could have done something about it.  Like if you could make a move right after the truth about Kael’thas came out, there’d probably be enough backlash against him in Silvermoon that the people would be all over a new leader.  Open arms, figurehead installed, profit.  Of course, back at the time when the iron was hot, we had Thrall running things all white-hat style and me off in Nagrand still cutting myself and shit.  But still.  Good job being slow with this idea just the same.  Honestly, though, trying to do it that way now, we’re just going to get stuck with uprisings and unrest and all kinds of other crap.

As for Bragor, are you serious?  I’m supposed to give him a promotion for mediocrity?  He’s barely been able to stay on top of thing just WATCHING the Undercity, you want me to give him even MORE authority somewhere?  Speaking of Bragor keeping his eyes on things…

 

Dearest Warchief,

While I deeply appreciate your taking the time to respond to my previous note, I fail entirely to see what is wrong with the way I dress, such as to justify the manner in which Captain Bloodfist has been persistently leering at me these past months.

–Lady Sylvanas Windrunner, Undercity

Yeah, you’re right.  Don’t know what I was thinking.

Ive never seen a wisp deliver a letter in my life but here i sit, outside the Darnassus wisp delivery outpost, trying to pen an urgent plea for help using only the supplies these hippies wonderful like minded people ancsestor dammed night elven scum use.I only hope you get this message before your murder destroy its carrier since i can already feel myself becoming lost again, each time i succomb it becomes more and more difficult to resist. but then why would i want to resist, i dont want to be a part o each time i loose another part of myself to this sickness.I dont have much time.It began a fortnight ago, I began to feel ill while resting in Orgrimmar, i thought that sleep would do me good but i couldnt rest, i could think only of traveling to ashenvale. as time went on the thought turned into a nessesity, i couldnt stay in the city any longer. I dont know how long i had traveled before i blacked out, the next thing i remember was waking up in the inn in Darnassus with strange thoughts echoing in my head.I dont know how much longer i will remain myself, if i can i will escape, i will find a cure, but i beg you warchief, do not brand me a traitor, i did not ask for this gift curse.

Um, yeah.

Okay, first of all, the wisp delivery thing?  That’s not what it is.  It’s called E-MAIL.  The wispy thing you’re talking about is actually an electrical signal coded by a machine and relayed through cables and wires.  (Yes, yes, Spazzle, also sent through why-fly, but there’s no sense confusing this guy any more.)

Still, I can understand how you would be mixed up there, being as you’re apparently surrounded by night elves.  In Darnassus, no less.  Actually, tell me something, did they feel the need to fucking dip everything THERE in glitter too?  Just wondering.

Either way, sounds like you’re having a pretty rough time of it.  From what I can gather from your letter.  Which, frankly, isn’t a whole lot – and by the way, next time you might maybe want to try taking off your mittens when you’re working on an e-mail – other than I guess you need help.  Which I would totally send for you, but you never actually signed your letter or told me who the hell you are, so I wouldn’t even know who to tell the Kor’kron detachment to look for.

So, you know, sucks to be you, I guess.

 

Dear Horde warchiefs,

We are have multiple complaint about your command, to please confirm leadership visit identity verify office for submit banking record and identification validate.  Warchief will be suspend if not verify. Thank you.

–Warchiefsecuresafe, Pandaria

OMG WTF!!!!  What the hell is this?!?  Oh wait, WAIT – THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS WORRIED ABOUT BEFORE!!  Yeah, see, SEE, I KNEW someone could try something like this after the whole fake letter from Thrall a few weeks ago!!  But everybody was like “oh pooh pooh, silly Garrosh, why do you get upset about nothing?”  WELL IT’S NOT NOTHING NOW IS IT MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

Okay so you guys will have to excuse me while I go try to straighten this whole mess out.  I hope they have an office locally, I don’t even know where the fuck Pandaria is…

 

Anyway, that’s it for this week,  Remember to keep your letters coming – garrosh1337@gmail.com – and I’ll crank out another batch for next time.

Thal’darah Grove

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 8, 2011 by Garrosh Hellscream

Quick update – writing this from Orgrimmar.

Thal’darah Grove was a graveyard when I got there.  No weapon of mass destruction, no armaments of any kind.  Night elves and tauren bodies everywhere, apparently druids, many of them scary young.  Way too familiar for my liking.

Only had time for a quick survey of the place before a goblin balloon carrying some kind of bomb came floating in.  Frankly I was too distracted by one of the tauren corpses to even notice.  Orthus Cliffwalker, the chieftain’s son – Cairne Bloodhoof introduced him to me my first day as Warchief, I’d recognize him anywhere.  I probably wouldn’t have even gotten out before the balloon released its payload, but my wyvern was circling around and swooped in to grab me before the bomb fell.  By that point Kor’kron backup was arriving in the surrounding Battlescar Valley, and once the wyvern dropped me off with them, the troll support mage ported us out to Orgrimmar.

Porting back out again momentarily, to Cliffwalker Post.  Already a shitty day.  It’s only getting shittier.

Underneath the bunker

Posted in General, Transcripts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 7, 2011 by Garrosh Hellscream

Thank goodness for familiar faces in the middle of all the crazy.

None of the troops here at Krom’gar’s fortress knew a whole lot about what was going on, other than Overlord Krom’gar and General Grebo being away on some important mission.  Like I said before, I would have guessed some good old-fashioned gnome-punting, but nobody seemed to know for sure.  Turns out, though, they had a few other men stationed down in the mine just below the fortress, so I headed down there with Mokvar, who’s FINALLY gotten his ass around to training up his inscription so he can record drawings and transcripts of useful stuff.  TOO FUCKING BAD HE DIDN’T HAVE THAT SHIT READY WHEN I NEEDED A GOOD WALK-AWAY-FROM-EXPLOSION PORTRAIT.  Lazy fucker.

Anyway, he finally got that shit taken care of, so considering how fishy things have been looking here in Stonetalon, I’m having him keep a running record of everything from here on.  As it turns out, two of the men Krom’gar had working in the mine were Sergeant Dontrag and Scout Utvoch, the two soldiers I’d met back in Ashenvale and sent ahead to help with Krom’gar’s forces.

I want to make sure we’re keeping the details straight, so I’m going to copy out Mokvar’s transcript here.  Well, I’m going to try to.  His handwriting is fucking shit.  Who the fuck are these inscription trainers, and what are they doing, breaking everyone’s fucking fingers before they let them take their damn pens home?

 

UTVOCH:  Warchief!  Lok’tar ogar!  An honor to see you, sir!

DONTRAG:  A great honor, Warchief!

UTVOCH:  Very great indeed, sir!

DONTRAG:  An inconceivable great honor!

GARROSH:  Okay, enough, seriously, you guys, we’ve been through this before already, you’ve really got to tone it way, way, WAY the fuck DOWN.

DONTRAG:  Sorry, Warchief.

UTVOCH:  Very sorry.

DONTRAG:  Our apologies, sir.

UTVOCH:  Yes sir.

DONTRAG:  Very deepest apologies.

UTVOCH:  Deep—

GARROSH:  ENOUGH ALREADY, YOU TWO.  <facepalm>

UTVOCH:  Shutting up, sir.

DONTRAG:  Yes sir.

GARROSH:  That’s better.  So I’m trying to find out what the hell has been going on around here.  Hopefully you men can shed some light on all this.

DONTRAG:  Well, sir, Utvoch and I have been working down here in the mine mostly, so I’m not sure about everything that’s been happening above.  But it sure sounded like there was a major battle going on up there, what with the sounds of machinery and gunfire.

GARROSH:  What were you two doing down here, then, hiding in a cave when your comrades were engaged in honorable battle?  From the looks of it out there, there WAS an attack on the fortress—

UTVOCH:  Gnomes, sir?

DONTRAG:  Damn, I hate gnomes.

GARROSH:  I KNOW, RIGHT?  Fucking gnomes, that’s what it looks like.

UTVOCH:  Damn fucking gnomes indeed!

DONTRAG:  Inconceivable fucking gno—

GARROSH:  DON’T START THAT AGAIN!!

DONTRAG:  Sorry sir.

GARROSH:  Now answer my question!  Why were you here and not joining in on the fight?

DONTRAG:  Believe me, Warchief, not for lack of desire to be up there with the others.

UTVOCH:  It was General Grebo’s orders, sir.

DONTRAG:  Well General Grebo, and the Overlord, sir.  We were originally supposed to escort the general to the northern front and help deliver ordnance for the battle with the night elves in Battlescar Valley.  But then the goblin blastgineer—

UTVOCH:  Blastgineer Bombgutz, sir.

DONTRAG:  —Blastgineer Bombgutz here in the mine went out of contact, and the fortress needed the machine parts she was supposed to be gathering, for the anti-aircraft cannons, sir, and so Overlord Krom’gar decided to send two of his best orcs down to investigate and send the parts back so he’d be ready to defend the fortress.

UTVOCH:  Which we did, sir.

DONTRAG:  Just in the nick of time, but we did.

UTVOCH:  Well, with a little help.

DONTRAG:  Well, yeah, but we don’t need to get into that.

UTVOCH:  Did you even get their name?

DONTRAG:  Don’t think so.  Did you?

UTVOCH:  No, never introduced themselves.

DONTRAG:  Yeah, these passing-through helpers never do.

UTVOCH:  Pretty rude if you ask me.

DONTRAG:  Like it would kill them to strike up a conversation.  But oh no, just wander on in, what do you need me to do? then up and on their way, and—

GARROSH:  ENOUGH already.  HEAD HURTS.   I’m losing my sense of humor with you two.  Damn, you orcs are a piece of work.  Fucking brilliant.  YOU’RE the best of the best Krom’gar’s got, huh?  No wonder everything’s running so great around here.

UTVOCH:  Um, thank you, sir?

GARROSH:  And stop grinning like a couple of idiots.

DONTRAG:  Sorry sir.

GARROSH:  <sigh>  Anyway… So the Overlord needed parts for the cannons, I get that, but once that was taken care of, why not get back up to the fortress and help DEFEND it?  I’m sure they could have used every hand up there.

UTVOCH:  General’s orders, sir.

GARROSH:  What orders?

DONTRAG:  Well, you see, Warchief, it wasn’t just the cannons that needed additional parts.  The general was also overseeing another project for the northern front, some kind of…what did he call it?

UTVOCH:  Deployment mechanism?

DONTRAG:  Yeah, that’s it – a deployment mechanism that was going to be needed soon, and he was expecting them to be delivered along with the artillery parts.  Only when the blastgineer went missing, and Overlord Krom’gar sent us down to check on her, General Grebo instructed us to stay until we’d secured those extra parts.

UTVOCH:  And then stay here until they could be sent north, sir.

DONTRAG:  I guess the mechanism thing is pretty important to the northern strategy, and General Grebo wanted to make sure the parts he needed would be secure.  And he said he needed to make sure a couple of orcs he could trust would stay and make sure the parts were taken care of.

UTVOCH:  He said it was more important that we stay here under cover, sir.

DONTRAG:  Apparently he couldn’t afford to have something happen to us while we were taking care of the shipment.

UTVOCH:  Which we did, sir.

DONTRAG:  Yeah, we just gathered up the last of them and sent them ahead with Blastgineer Bombgutz.

GARROSH:  Where were they going?  And what were they for, anyway?  What the fuck is a “deployment mechanism”, what do I look like, a fucking goblin or something?

UTVOCH:  No, no sir, you’re not green at all.

GARROSH:  I…don’t know how to take that.

UTVOCH:  Um…

GARROSH:  MOVING ON.  Where was the shipment going?

DONTRAG:  The Sludgewerks, sir.  Straight northwest.  I guess they were making the final upgrades to the mechanism before sending it along to Cliffwalker Post.  General Grebo was supposed to supervise the arrival personally.

GARROSH:  What about Chieftain Cliffwalker?

DONTRAG:  Not sure, sir.

GARROSH:  Hmm… Okay, in that case I should probably head out there and see just what’s going on.  Whatever Krom’gar and Grebo have in the works, I’m sure it’s bad news for the night elves, and I don’t want to miss the show.  You men finish up whatever you need to do here, and check in with me at Cliffwalker Post.

DONTRAG:  Begging your pardon, sir, if I could make a suggestion?

GARROSH:  What is it?

DONTRAG:  Well, sir, I’m not too clear on the whole operation—

UTVOCH:  Obviously.

DONTRAG:  Like you are?

UTVOCH:  More than you—

GARROSH:  ARE WE COMING UP ON A POINT ANYTIME SOON??

DONTRAG:  Right, sir.

UTVOCH:  Sorry sir.

DONTRAG:  Much apologizings.  Um, anyhow, I don’t know all the details, but I know part of the reason for this big production with the…deployment mechanism…well, it has something to do with some kind of weapon the night elves have been assembling.  They’ve set up a base at Thal’darah Grove, not far from Cliffwalker Post, where they’re finishing work on it.

GARROSH:  What kind of weapon?

DONTRAG:  Not sure, sir.  Just that it’s supposed to be massive.

UTVOCH:  “Of mass destruction,” as they say, sir.

DONTRAG:  Yeah.  So, sir, if you want to get to the bottom of this, might I suggest you investigate there straight away?

GARROSH:  Hmm… You men are dedicated, I’ll give you that.  All right, I’ll check up on all this.  You two head back to Orgrimmar when you’re done here – I’ll want to have a full debriefing with you, the general, and the overlord when this is all finished.

DONTRAG:  Yes, sir.  Lok’tar.

GARROSH:  Strength and honor, men.  Peace.  Um, not literally.  Anway.

 

You know, gotta say, as crappy as Mokvar’s handwriting is, it’s pretty impressive he was able to get all that shit down.  Anyway, I’m sending Mokvar back to Orgrimmar to arrange a Kor’kron detachment to come out this way.  Any way you cut it, something still doesn’t sit right with me about this.  I’m pretty damn certain there’s SOMETHING happening at Thal’darah Grove that’s in the middle of it, even if Dontrag and Utvoch aren’t exactly in the know about all the details…but before I go running over there, I want to check on what these goblin fuckers are working on at the Sludgewerks.

More updates soon.

“I think we made a good impression on the Warchief, Donty.” “Sort of, Ut.” “Sort of, as in how?” “Sort of, as in the ‘me’ part of the ‘we’.”