Archive for mankrik

Because the Old Gods

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , on August 5, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

In my mailbag this past week, I received a note from Gamon asking why people seem to keep attacking him.  I really didn’t have any good explanation for him – he always seemed like a nice enough dude to me, so I’m not sure why so many people want to start shit with him – so I offered a mostly joking answer that maybe it’s because of the Old Gods.

Thing is, while I was mostly kidding, it wasn’t a coincidence that I came up with the Old Gods as an explanation.  A couple days before on Twitter, @justanna was asking about an oddity, and I offered the best explanation I could think of:

(For those of you not up to date on your internet lingo, “WoW” is the current trendy online abbreviation for “Whole of World,” as in “frigging everywhere.”)

Because if there’s one thing we’ve learned the last few years, it’s that when in doubt about why something happened, “the Old Gods” is never a bad guess.  And so, when I saw Gamon’s letter, I already had the Old Gods on the brain.

By the way, what the hell are “ducks”?

Anyhow, since I’ve been mulling this over the last few days anyway, I thought I’d take some time to share a few other little-known facts about everyone’s favorite Big and Tentacly Dudes from Someplace Unspecified Down Below.  Hold the presses, kids, here’s a partial list of other things that are actually the Old Gods’ fault:

 

  • Ever notice how there are runic symbols carved into weapons and buildings and floors and a zillion other things, all over Azeroth…and yet there only seems to be like six symbols?  What kind of lazy-ass runic alphabet only has six symbols, right?  Well, true fact: there were originally 37 rune symbols.  The Old Gods ate the other 31.

 

  • Who the hell had the bright idea, back in the day, to have Annora, the one and only artisan-level enchanting trainer at the time, move into THE MIDDLE OF ULDAMAN, where you could only reach her by getting a bunch of your friends to help you fight your way in?  Doesn’t get much more corrupted and insane than that.  Old Gods strike again.  Hell, she even felt compelled to go hide underground – could there be a bigger giveaway than that?

 

  • If you go to the Orgrimmar library, and look for the classic novel Mobus-Dick, you’ll find it’s not shelved in the fiction section, but instead, mistakenly, in the cetology section.

    How did it get misshelved?

    Old Gods.

 

  • Ever notice how elevators always seem to start to drop at JUST the right moment, where it’s too late for you to stop running toward the ledge, but it’s enough time for them go descend enough for you to be left with a nice long splat-producing drop?  Yeah, well, the magic controlling those elevator platforms was corrupted…so for all intents and purposes, all elevators are minions of the Old Gods.  Specifically, one of the Old Gods – I believe his name is Goin’down’ethar.  How much you want to bet that when we finally discover where he’s hidden, there won’t be any stairs?

 

  • Mankrik’s first wife?  Everybody – Mankrik included – assumes the quillboar killed her.

    Nope.

    Old Gods.

 

  • You know when you’re traveling from one region of the world to another, and you cross a border and all of a sudden there’s this REALLY abrupt change in the terrain?  Like you’re running through snow, and then you go three yards up the road and suddenly everything is green?  Or you look to your left and it’s daylight, and look to your right and you see twilight?  Or, hell, you’re hovering over a mountain, and one side is all black, and one side is green, and another side is orange?  And you’re sitting there wondering what the fuck happened to this schizophrenic-ass mountain?

    Yep.

    Old Gods.

 

  • The producers of Earth Online recently announced that the upcoming Land Down Under expansion would include less demanding instance content.  There’s been a lot of nerdraging over this online, no surprise.  Was this decision caused by a transparent attempt to antagonize the veteran hardcore player base by currying favor with the casuals who’ve come along in recent years and didn’t have the common decency to swing by the Caverns of Time to travel back to the halcyon days when the game was still good and start playing then so they might possibly not suck?

    No, you elitist prick, get your head out of your ass.

    Two words: Old Gods.

 

  • Jaina Proudmoore used to be a prim, reserved, innocent young lass.  Then one day…

    Well…picture most of the Old Gods’ minions.

    You do the math.

Monday mailbag

Posted in Mailbag with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 30, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

It’s been a while since the last mailbag, so while I’ve got a break in the action, let’s see what’s piled up the last few weeks…

 

Dear Warchief,

Since Faranell has effectively retired from the Royal Apothecary Society, I’m wondering if Sylvanas is taking applications for a new Master Apothecary?  I’m a veteran alchemist who’s been at the craft for several years.  I even worked out a formula to turn myself into a dragon – rar!  Any chance you could put in a good word for me?

–Karelien, Silvermoon City

Sorry to tell you, Karelien, the master apothecary job is already filled.  Once it got decided that Faranell was being moved over to Hearthglen, Sylvanas went ahead and did a promotion from within, and appointed Apothecary Zinge to take over as head of the RAS.  If you want, I could maybe see about getting you into some kind of entry-level position over there.  Not what you were shooting for, I know, but you have to start somewhere.  I get the sense that Sylvanas doesn’t do a lot of hiring from the outside, so if you want to have any shot at all at the higher positions, you probably need to already be on the ladder.

If you do land a job over there, by the way, could I maybe ask you to keep an eye on Overseer Kraggosh, and just try to discourage him from packing away so many cheesy steak melts?  I’m all for steak, but I swear the Undercity’s got rivers of viscous slime that have a smoother flow to them than that dude’s arteries.

 

Hey mon,

Do you know where Mankrik’s wife be at?

–Bob, Echo Isles

Oh, geez, this guy again.

I already addressed this one like a zillion times last year, when I was making an inspection stop in the Barrens.  Where – just to recap – somebody was asking about Mankrik’s wife like every five minutes.  Over and over.  Fuck, people are annoying.

Here’s where the joke’s on you, though, Bobby-Boy.  Back THEN, I might have taken the bait and started ranting at you about his wife having a memorial and all that shit.  NOW, though, you ask me where Mankrik’s wife is, and you know what?  You’re gonna have to specify WHICH ONE.  That’s right, over the last year or so, our boy Mankrik has managed to calm down a little (and holy shit did he need it), courtesy of a whole bunch of consoling and support from this Earthen Ring shaman named Mahka.  The two of them wound up growing pretty close, and a few months ago, they decided to make it official and held a quiet life-mate ceremony in Mulgore.  If you’re wondering why you didn’t hear about this, well, let’s face it, Thrall’s wedding pretty much pushed everybody else’s deal to the back pages.  Self-Important Green Savior Finally Gets Some, stop the presses.  Whatever.

Oh, and for the record, the first Mrs. Mankrik?  Still dead.  Let’s hope things stay that way (you never know about that shit these days), or things might get kind of awkward.

 

Hey Warchief,

So, crossbow to your head, what do you think – Mylune or Garona?  You know what I’m askin.

–Backstab Bladeflurry

Okay, so before I answer your question, Backstab, I have to ask.  That’s your name?  Seriously?  Backstab Bladeflurry?  I mean, I KNOW that can’t be your ACTUAL name, because I don’t think ANYONE could hate their kid that much.  But you know, the thought that you made up a name for yourself, and that’s the one you came up with…that might actually be even sadder.  Seriously, dude, how old are you?  Because that sounds like the kind of name you would get if you let a 10-year-old name himself, assuming “Videogame K. Dinosaur” was already taken.

Also, I’m guessing you’re…what…a rogue?  Gonna stick my neck WAY out there.  Come on, man, if you’re going to make up a name for yourself, it’s bad enough you’re making it a stupid-sounding name.  But a stupid-sounding name that’s just a list or your class abilities?  Come on.  Do you think people would take me seriously if I went around introducing myself as Overpower Heroicstrike?  Or maybe Saurfang could start calling himself Cleave McCleaveyouagain?  (To be fair, he might possibly be able to carry that off.)  Or, hey, Liadrin is a paladin, maybe she should start calling herself Holy Divine Light Shield Shock Hammer Flash Righteous Hand.  Really, the only time that kind of a name even kind of worked was with Rend Blackhand, and look how great things wound up going for him.

Anyway, I just had to get that out of my system.  Now for your question.

No.

 

Dear Warchief,

I’m writing to ask if you have any idea why people keep trying to kill me.  I’m generally a fairly peaceful fellow, but random strangers keep coming into the inn where I’m just trying to have a drink and attacking me.  I don’t want to hurt anyone, but they’re not leaving me any choice but to defend myself.  But I don’t understand why they keep doing it.

–Gamon, Orgrimmar

Yeah, Gamon, I’ve heard the ruckus over there a few times, what with you having to lay the smackdown on some noobs every once in a while.  Gotta be honest, this one has me stumped.  I can’t think of any reason people might have for coming after you, you’ve always seemed like a pretty good dude to me.  Maybe… I know it’s kind of the pat to-go answer for people going all violent and hostile, but I don’t know, like…the Old Gods?  Maybe?  Dunno.

Good luck not dying, though.

 

Dear Warchief Hellscream:

I am writing to you on behalf of His Lordship, the honorable Tirion Fordring.  In the interests of saving time and paper, I have volunteered to write this note to you in the Highlord’s stead.

The Highlord appreciates the faith you demonstrated in entrusting him with the supervision of Dr. Edwin Faranell.  In that same spirit of good faith, the Highlord wishes to make you aware of certain oddities that have recently occurred involving the doctor.

The good doctor has generally been adjusting well to his new life here in Hearthglen, but the past several days he has experienced momentary bouts of disorientation, in which he has become briefly confused as to what is going on around him.  Following these episodes, he has claimed to have experienced what would seem to be a kind of hallucination: seeing and hearing events transpiring around him that clearly did not occur.

The Highlord suspects that the doctor is suffering from some sort of mental distress as a result of the radical change his life has undertaken.  Lord Fordring is quite concerned about Dr. Faranell’s well-being, and would welcome the opportunity to discuss this turn of events with you further.  We have faith that we may yet guide the doctor to a successful acclimation to his current time and place.

–Daria L’Rayne, Argent Crusade

Oh crap, here we go.  I’d hoped that Faranell would be able to settle in without any problems, but I guess that was wishful thinking.  I can’t say I’m really surprised that he’s kind of shellshocked by the whole thing – I mean, if YOU woke up one morning and all of a sudden it was years later, and half the people you used to know were dead, and the other half were zombies, and whole dominions had risen and fallen, and spirits know how many other things had gone down, yeah, you’d probably have a hard time just walking that off, too.  I know I would probably shit a brick.

So, I guess I’m going to need to take a trip over to Eastern Kingdoms again to go see Tirion.  I wonder if there’s any way I could get this Daria chick to hold the info session rather than Tirion, though – she seems like she would probably be a lot less painful to talk to, not least of all because I’m pretty sure this letter would have filled up about 37 pages minimum if it were Tirion writing it.  Damn good thing he’s got a logging camp right nearby, considering all the paper he probably goes through, is all I’m gonna say.

So, yeah, I’ll have to see about getting that trip lined up.  That said, though, seriously, I was just OVER in Eastern Kingdoms like two days ago.  Would it really KILL people to time these crises so that I don’t have to go zig-zagging all over the map?  So fucking inconsiderate.

 

That’s all for this week.  I’m going to try to be a little more consistent about posting mailbags, so keep those letters and questions coming – first because it’s always good to hear from my loyal readers and minions, second because I’m always happy (well, usually happy…well, sometimes happy…okay, okay, occasionally it doesn’t totally piss me off) to answer your questions, and third because YOUR WARCHIEF DEMANDS IT.  Send those letters to me at garrosh1337@gmail.com, and I’ll do another roundup in a couple weeks.

Visiting the Barrens

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , on September 2, 2011 by Garrosh Hellscream

Okay, so I just got back from an inspection visit to the Barrens, and for FUCK’S sake, seriously, is EVERYONE out there retarded??  All you hear all day is a bunch of facts about Saurfang and THEY’RE NOT EVEN FUCKING TRUE!  I spent the whole afternoon trying to explain to Tari’qa that Saurfang is NOT actually a shaman because he commands the element of surprise!  OMG THAT’S NOT EVEN A REAL ELEMENT!!

And holy fucking fuck, we KNOW where Mankrik’s wife is!  She’s dead!  SHE’S TOTALLY FUCKING DEAD!  I BUILT HER A SHRINE MYSELF!  SHE’S A FUCKING CORPSE OKAY??  Oh wait, fuck, I hope Mankrik doesn’t see this.  Where was that erase button again?  Hey Mankrik, if you’re reading this, totally sorry about your loss, man.  Respect.  Peace and shit.

But geez, I’m telling you, while I was out there, I totally should have finished looking for Chen’s keg, because I swear by the time I was done I sure could have used a good stiff drink.

I need to visit more of our operations around Kalimdor soon, and based on this one it looks like I’m going to have to brace myself.  How did Thrall put up with being surrounded by idiots?

 

 

[Header image provided by Rioriel from Postcards From Azeroth, reproduced here with permission and many thanks.  Click here to see the souped-up Postcard version!]