Archive for krasarang wilds

Reports of my demise (part 1)

Posted in Comics with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 12, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

krasarang1

So how about that, huh?  The DPS kids were tucked away in the system of caves, making camp in a small chamber deep underground.  We burned up a chunk of time talking over each other at first, with everybody wanting to know how everybody else had gotten there, but after I explained about how I’d found the caverns, I finally managed to get their side of the story from Gurtash.

So…let’s kick it over to the kid himself.

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Buried treasure

Posted in Comics, Mailbag with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 25, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

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A couple days ago, I finally took Elder Cloudfall’s advice and flew over to the Temple of the Red Crane to check on the aftermath of the Alliance offensive there.  I’m back at Domination Point now.

So…this is probably going to be kind of a long story.  Bear with me.

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I got up extra early to make the trip over.  I didn’t bring anyone else along – just Mortimer and me.  I didn’t want any extra people making noise and drawing extra attention, and besides, depending on what I found there, I figured I might prefer to be by myself anyway.

I could see the remains of uniformed orc bodies scattered around the outskirts of the temple grounds, but I wasn’t able to get close enough for a better look right away.  The place was crawling with Alliance patrols.  Strange, seeing as the temple itself looked like it was back in the hands of the pandas, so it’s not like the humans were keeping watch over their own outpost.

I took a pass around to size up the deployment of patrols.  They were circling around the temple, but also ranging to the north and east, where the temple grounds gave way to swampland.  A little ways into the wilds there were some mogu ruins spread out over some hills.  A pair of humans looked like they were standing guard outside what used to be the entrance to a cave in the hillside – used to be, until it had been sealed with rocks.  Probably a cave-in.  Not sure what the point would have been of posting guards, but who knows what these humans are thinking.

I flew further up into the surrounding hills.  More patrols.  Mostly circling around a handful of cracks in the ground and rock face.  It took me a few minutes, but it finally hit me that the cracks would have led down into the same caverns as the cave entrance.  Probably, anyway.  I was never too great with spatial relations that didn’t involve swinging an axe.  Anyway, whatever was in there, the Alliance were keeping all possible points of entry locked down.  Maybe even sealed the cave themselves, who knows.

Whatever it was, if it was important enough for all this attention, I figured it was worth checking out.  So I landed by one of the cracks.  Now, granted, there were a bunch of Alliance soldiers patrolling around there, but, you know…to make a short story shorter, hi, how are ya, chop chop, dead dead, moving on.

I set a grappling hook in the rocks and lowered myself down into one of the cracks.  The opening was narrower than I was expecting, and went down further – I think each of the cracks opened into a different point in a series of tunnels, as opposed to one big cave like I was thinking originally.

Now for the fun part.  While I was still lowering myself down, guess what?  My rope snapped.  Maybe I really HAVE been putting on some weight lately.  To be fair, the Shrine of Two Moons really does have some kickass food.  So anyway, down I dropped.  Don’t you worry, though, because my fall was cushioned by a big ol’ pile of ROCKS.  Awesome, huh?

After I took a minute to thank life for chiming in with another installment of Hey Everybody, Let’s Piss Off Garrosh: The Home Game, I started exploring.  At first, the caverns seemed to have been built by someone, with walls and floors made up of stonemasonry.  Pretty soon, though, gaping holes in the walls gave way to a system of natural tunnels that wound around deeply and grew wider, mostly, the further they descended from the surface.  Looked like side passages splintered off pretty regularly, but I tried to stay with the widest path.  I figured that would make it easier to retrace my steps if I needed to.

Eventually, after I’d made my way deep underground, the jagged walls all started to blur together, and I started to worry that I was starting to travel in circles.  I was about to try retracing my steps when I happened to look down a side passage, and saw flickering light in the distance.  I made my way closer, turned a corner, and then…well…

Every once in a while – not often, but sometimes – life decides to be generous.

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Burdens of the spirit

Posted in General, Transcripts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 14, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

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After the disaster with the Divine Bell, I spent a couple days channeling old-Nagrand-Garrosh – brooding and moping in my quarters here at Domination Point.  Other than occasional tactical reports from General Nazgrim, most people had the good sense to leave me to myself.  Hell, even Dontrag and Utvoch managed to keep their yaps shut for a couple days.  This may or may not be related to me slapping them around several times when I first got back to the base.

The time to myself gave me the chance to think more about where to go from here.  After what went down at the Emperor’s Reach, it’s painfully obvious that I need to start taking matters into my own hands.  Trouble is, in practical terms, I’m not sure what that actually ENTAILS.  So, one step at a time: Time to act one the one avenue I have open to me, and worry about what comes next when I get there.  Elder Cloudfall told me he could help prepare me for my destiny, or however he fortune-cookied it, so it’s time to take him up on the offer.

Granted, I’m not exactly thrilled about what little I’ve heard about that Kypari Zar place, so a few more answers might be nice.  Any bets on whether I’ll actually get them?

Anyway, I had some trouble tracking down Cloudfall at first.  He wasn’t anywhere on the base, and Ben-Lin didn’t know where he’d wandered off to.  Finally, Jorn Skyseer told me he’d been talking with Cloudfall about some of the areas nearby that our hunting parties have been hitting up, and he pointed me toward the island to the east.  The one where the trainees used to go crane hunting when we first set up shop here in Pandaria.

I flew over to the island, with Taktani in tow.  Cloudfall was sitting on a rock along the shore.  He and Zhi-Zhi were sitting back to back in one of those meditation poses that look like they would hurt your legs like hell, eyes closed, off in their own little world.

 

GARROSH – Hey, Gramps.

(Mr. Elder Panda man and his money friend just keep sitting on the rock and being quiet.)

GARROSH – Elder?

(Elder Panda still doesn’t respond.)

GARROSH – Hello?  Chimps?  Anybody home?

(Mr. Monkey didn’t answer either.  I hope his ears are okay!)

GARROSH(tapping Zhi-Zhi on the shoulder)  Hey, Banana Boy!

ZHI-ZHI(jumping, startled)  AAAH!  Oh…oh, the One!  Much apologizing, Zhi-Zhi did not see you, was thinking great thoughts.

GARROSH – Uh, yeah, whatever.  So listen, I… Hang on.  (turning to me)  Tak?

TAKTANI – Hi!

(Mr. Warchief kind of stared at me for a minute.  Maybe he forgot what he was going to say?)

GARROSH – Yeah, hi.  So now that we’ve met, is there a reason why you’re not, y’know, writing anything down?

TAKTANI – Oh!  I’m sorry, Mr. Warchief.  I forgot to bring my paper.

GARROSH – You…forgot.

TAKTANI – I left it back in my room!

GARROSH – You realize that’s the ENTIRE reason I bring you places, right?

TAKTANI – Don’t be mad!  I’m sorry!

(Mr. Warchief rubbed his eyes and forehead for a minute.  I think maybe his eyes were sore because of how sunny it was.  I should give him some sunglasses for his birthday!  Does anyone know when his birthday is?)

GARROSH(still rubbing his eyes)  Of all your crimes, Mokvar, this may be the most grating…

TAKTANI – I don’t understand, Mr. Warchief.

GARROSH – Never mind.  Okay, look, Tak, you’re not off the hook yet.  You just made some extra homework for yourself.

TAKTANI – But I’m not in school, Mr. Warchief!

GARROSH – Yeah, well, maybe this will teach you lesson #1: Don’t forget the tools of your damn trade!

TAKTANI – I’m sorry!  😦

GARROSH – So…here’s what you’re going to do.  Most of the sand around here looks pretty wet.  So YOU, little miss Swiss Cheese Brain, can just sit yourself down and write your notes in the sand, and then come back with your paper and copy it later.

TAKTANI – Ooh, that sounds fun!

GARROSH – BEFORE THE DAMN TIDE COMES IN.  (sighs)  Okay.  So.  Back to you, monkey boy.  What’s up with Old Man Furball here?  Is he off in some weird panda brain-freeze zone or something?

(While Mr. Warchief was talking, I started writing everything in the sand like he said, like this and this and this and YAY this is fun!  Oh and I did like he said and came back later to copy it all down and I even brought Mr. D and Mr. U to help check my spelling, because they’re smart and nice.  And SEE, Mr. Warchief, I got it all done just like you said!  Oh oh oh but while I was writing it out, there was a seagull flying around, and it pooped on the first page.  I hope you notice it’s there before you touch it.)

 

I didn’t.

 

ZHI-ZHI – Ah, ah, yes, Elder Cloudfall is in deep meditation.  Much more focused than Zhi-Zhi.  As matter of fact, Elder has been teaching Zhi-Zhi meditation techniques, teaching to block out everything around Zhi-Zhi.  Will help to center Zhi-Zhi.

GARROSH – So you can think more great thoughts.

ZHI-ZHIAhh!  You are understanding!

GARROSH – So how long does it usually take for Captain Comatose to come back out of these—

CLOUDFALL(not moving, eyes still closed)  I can hear you, Warchief Garrosh.

ZHI-ZHI – Elder!

GARROSH – So, Gramps, if you could hear me, any particular reason you didn’t answer me before?

CLOUDFALL(continuing to keep his eyes closed)  I was in the midst of pursuing a line of thought.  I felt it more pressing that I complete it.

GARROSH – Isn’t it kind of rude to just ignore people when they talk to you?

CLOUDFALL – Is it not rude to interrupt people who are clearly meditating?

ZHI-ZHI – But, erm, Elder, you are hearings all the transpiringses…um…were we not practicing our deep meditation exercises?

CLOUDFALL – I have been practicing these techniques since before your great grandmother was born, Zhi-Zhi.

GARROSH – So anyway, now that you’re done with that—

CLOUDFALL – I’m not.

GARROSH – You’re what?

CLOUDFALL – As I said, Warchief Garrosh, I have been availing myself of the peace and solitude of the beach to think.

GARROSH – Um, okay?

CLOUDFALL – I’m not finished.

(Mr. Panda Elder still hadn’t opened his eyes, and now he settled back into place more.)

GARROSH – Hang on, you’re seriously going to blow me off so you can fucking go back to…whatever, going over your grocery list or backtracking to wherever you left your keys, or whatever the fuck you’re doing?

(Mr. Panda didn’t say anything.)

GARROSH(to Zhi-Zhi)  Is he for real?

ZHI-ZHI(shrugs and waves one hand)  Is easier not trying to argue, truths to telling.

CLOUDFALL – There.  (opens his eyes, stands, and turns to Garrosh)  Now I am finished.

GARROSH – Well yay.

TAKTANI – Yay!

GARROSH – DON’T START.

TAKTANI – Oh.  😦

GARROSH – So do you mind telling me what was so important that it couldn’t wait?

(Mr. Panda man looked around the beach a few times.)

CLOUDFALL – Your pupil, Gurtash, and his peers.  I understand they used to come here on occasion.

GARROSH – Oh.  Yeah.  They used to go hunting here.

CLOUDFALL(nods)  This is a sacred place, you know.  The Cradle of Chi-Ji, the Great Crane.

GARROSH – Look, if you’re going to start complaining that they came here to—

CLOUDFALL – You misunderstand me, Warchief Garrosh.  I did not come here to pass judgment.  I came merely to visit a place of some import to the youths, away from the bustle of your fortifications, and allow them to enter my thoughts.

GARROSH – Ah.  Yeah.  They’ve been in mine a lot lately, too.

CLOUDFALL – Indeed.

(Mr. Warchief got kind of quiet and Mr. Panda man stayed quiet for a minute too and watched him.)

CLOUDFALL – In any case, I’m sure you did not seek me out to revisit such things.  How may I be of help to you?

GARROSH – By doing what you came here for in the first place.  You said you could help me get ready for this great destiny of mine.

CLOUDFALL – Indeed.  Or rather, I believe I can help you to meet it.  Whether it will prove to be great or not will be very much up to you.

GARROSH – Well, either way, you said that this Kypari Zar place is where he need to go to get started.  So, whenever you’re ready to go, let’s go.

CLOUDFALL – I also told you that you carry many shadows with you.

GARROSH – Kind of the point of us going to that Zar place, right?

CLOUDFALL – Indeed.  But you carry more now.  Perhaps needlessly.

GARROSH(sighs)  Can you bottom-line this, maybe, or are you going to do a whole speech again?

ZHI-ZHI(waving his hand)  Really much easier not to tryings with the arguings.

CLOUDFALL(pointing northward)  The temple to the north.  That is where the…calamity occurred?

GARROSH – Yeah, don’t remind me.

CLOUDFALL – Have you gone there since then?

GARROSH – No.

CLOUDFALL – You should.

GARROSH – Look, Gramps, I get that you’re probably going for some kind of hippie closure crap here, but if you think it’s actually going to IMPROVE my mood to go up there and find a bunch of—

CLOUDFALL – Warchief Garrosh, no facts that you find there will be so damaging to the soul as the nightmares your mind has conjured in their absence.

GARROSH(looking north)  Yeah, maybe.

CLOUDFALL – And in the process, you may allow yourself the opportunity to bring one lesser shadow with you on our journey.

GARROSH(sighs)  You’re just going to stonewall me until I go, aren’t you?

ZHI-ZHI – Really not worth tryings to—

GARROSH(slapping Zhi-Zhi)  Shut it, Spanks.

CLOUDFALL – Kypari Zar will still be there when you are done.

GARROSH(turns and starts to walk toward Mortimer)  Yeah, fine.  I’ll drop little miss Happy Kitty here off at the base, and get a couple things squared away, then…  (stops, then looks back at Cloudfall)  You know, I’ve heard of that Kypari Zar place before.

CLOUDFALL(perks an eyebrow)  Oh?

GARROSH – Last year.  I didn’t even know what “Kypari Zar” was.  But someone in…high places…told me if I went there, I would die.

CLOUDFALL(nods slowly)  You may.  In fact, you will.

GARROSH – Not the best sales pitch, Gramps.

CLOUDFALL – You will die if you go there.  But then, you will die if you do not.  Just as I will die if I take you, and I will die if I do not.  That we will die is assured, Warchief Garrosh.  The only question is how, and when, and why.

GARROSH – That’s a cop-out and you know it.

CLOUDFALL – I know no such thing.

GARROSH(shrugs and climbs onto Mortimer)  Well, whatever.  I’ve got enough on my mind these days, what’s one more thing, right?

CLOUDFALL – If I might make a suggestion, Warchief Garrosh.  A great many years ago, a former mentor offered me certain words of solace.  A phrase of great power and wisdom, and consolation to the soul in times of need.

GARROSH – What’s that?

CLOUDFALL – Have a drink.  Next one’s on me.

 

Not the worst idea in the world, actually.  I might head downstairs and see what we have on tap.  Meanwhile, I’m going to put a couple things in order here at the base, then take Mortimer back out for a flight over to the Temple of the Red Crane.  For better or worse.

More soon.

Departures

Posted in General, Transcripts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 26, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

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As if Elder Cloudfall’s parting comment about Kypari Zar didn’t already leave me with enough on my mind, I had a hell of a greeting waiting for me at Domination Point.  When Gurtash, Ben-Lin, Taktani, and I got back, we learned that an Alliance strike team had attacked the base – and killed Warlord Bloodhilt.  General Nazgrim and Blood Guard Gro’tash were able to rally the good guys and drive the Alliance off, but by that point the damage was done.  During the defense, we also lost Stone Guard Ruk’Ra, Chief Bombgineer Snicklefritz, and Or’Dac of the Stonemaul ogres in Brackenwall Village.  Way too many good people gone in one day.

During our debriefing, Nazgrim said that based on the way the Alliance force went about the attack, he believes they were targeting Bloodhilt from the outset – they went straight for the command center and bypassed any number of other viable strike points along the way.  So in Nazgrim’s assessment, the Alliance objective was to take out the on-site commanding officer.  Cut off the head of the beast, basically.

 

GARROSH – I only wish I’d been here when the human bastards attacked.

NAZGRIM – With all due respect, Warchief, I’m rather glad you weren’t.

GARROSH – Why?  You don’t think I could have made the difference in stopping them from getting to Bloodhilt if I’d been here?

NAZGRIM – Sir, I don’t know that the Alliance had any reason to believe you wouldn’t be here.  If you had been, you might have been the target instead of the Warlord.

GARROSH(scowling)  I don’t much like the idea that Bloodhilt might have died in my place, Nazgrim.

NAZGRIM – You’re our Warchief, sir.  You are the Horde.  Rest assured, any one of us would gladly lay down our life for your survival.

 

I’ll tell you right now, this is going to bother me for a while.  Bloodhilt was a good man, someone I had an eye on for more and greater things in the future, and his death leaves a tough hole to fill.  I’ve appointed Nazgrim to take over as commanding officer of the Dominance Offensive.  So that covers things logistically, at least.

It’s pretty obvious, though, that we need to step up our defenses.  I’m having our naval forces increase their patrols in the area, and I’m also going to see about establishing a wider perimeter on the ground.  Bases, watch points.  There’s that old panda temple to the east that Krimpatul reported on recently – it’s in an ideal position to monitor enemy activity in Krasarang Wilds, plus it even has a structure already in place.  So I’m having Commander Scargash take a couple divisions of troops over to secure it as a Horde outpost and early-warning station.  There’s no sign of Alliance activity in the vicinity now, so it should be a quick, clean takeover.

I’m also having Krimpatul go with Scargash and his forces, and bring the DPS kids along with him.  For one, Krimp has been there before, so he knows the area and can probably be helpful to Scargash.  Plus, it might be good for the trainees to be present to see a low-impact operation in action.  From what I hear, too, that temple is kind of the king-size version of that island full of cranes near here, the one where the kids have been hunting for waterfowl to help with the food supplies.  So I figure they can do some more hunting in the new spot, too.  Good for their morale to see us eating well and know they’re the reason why.  Not to mention, they’ve always seemed pretty fond of Krimp, so they’ll probably enjoy spending some time with him in the field.

ONE piece of good news that’s come in: Some of our scouts have just reported that they’ve found a structure along the northern Kun-Lai coast that matches the one where Shan Kien supposedly hid away the Divine Bell.  I’m sending Ishi there with a unit of Kor’kron to check it out.  I’m trying not to get my hopes up too much, in case this turns out to be a wild goose chase, but with any luck we’ll finally be in business soon.

Meanwhile, Elder Cloudfall should be getting here…well…when he gets here.  Between then and now, I’ve got some thinking to do.

Krasarang reunions

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 3, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

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Construction is coming along quickly here at Domination Point.  That’s what we’re calling the new outpost, by the way – pretty badass, right?  Thought of it myself.  Anyway, we’re making good progress getting the place built.  Warlord Zaela sent some of her Dragonmaw construction crew with us, and as any of you who were there will remember, a couple years ago when the Dragonmaw joined the Horde, they got Dragonmaw Port rebuilt FAST.  As opposed to, say, the goblin contractors who STILL haven’t quite finished the job in Orgrimmar.  Which is really pretty ridiculous at this point.  I mean, can you imagine how embarrassing it’s going to be if Orgrimmar comes under siege, and we STILL haven’t finished fixing the place from the LAST major problem?

So that’s coming along.  While we work on getting the base built and securing the area, I’ve also been keeping Gurtash and the rest of the DPS busy gathering food.  Turns out there’s an island close by that’s practically swarming with these huge cranes that have enough breast meat on them to feed half a regiment.  They’re a little big for the kids, but it’s been good practice for them working as a team.  Also, as part of the Pandaria landing team, I’d brought three of the Mag’har’s best blademasters from Nagrand: Ishi, Burzum, and Krimpatul.  So I’ve been having the three of them take turns going out with the DPS when they go hunting, just to keep an eye on them.  The kids seem to be hitting it off with Krimp especially.  He’s got the gruff lovable mentor thing going for him.  Kind of like me.

In other news, General Nazgrim and his team arrived here today.  Which was a good thing – one, because Nazgrim is always good in a fight, but two, because that gave me a chance to ask some pointed questions based on Krog’s reports on a certain former captive of theirs.

Case in point: How exactly Nazgrim and his crew managed to turn this:

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…into this:

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The extent of Nazgrim’s response pretty much consisted of “Oh, so, um, you heard about that, huh?”

One other part of Nazgrim’s arrival, though – along with his regular crew like Kiryn and Shokia, he also brought one of those monkey people he’d recruited back in the Jade Forest, a hozen named Tak-Tak who’s going to be helping our flightmaster Kromthar.  And here’s the thing.  This was the first time I’d met a hozen…only it wasn’t.  Some of you might remember – a few months ago, when time was going all wonky and I was flashing into that alternate reality, I met a monkey-like creature, name of Zhi-Zhi.  Who’d been found washed ashore after the destruction of his home in the southern islands.  It was the first time I’d ever seen a creature like him…but he seemed to know a thing or two about me.

And so THAT was the first time I ever met a hozen – only now, those events never happened.  Except I still remember them.  FUCKING TIME TRAVEL.  Head hurts.

So after Nazgrim introduced me to Tak-Tak, I pulled Monkey Boy aside and tried picking his tiny little brain some.  He said most of the mountain hozen up north were pretty hostile, same for the hozen on the islands to the east of here.  According to him, the only hozen who’ve managed to shill at all – and from what I can tell, “chill” would be a VERY relative term – would be the forest hozen where he’d come from.  Most of those, he says, have stayed in villages like Grookin Hill, but some individuals have gone off to live with the pandaren in one place or another.  He rattled off a few places some of them had gone, and most of the names blurred together, but then one stuck out – a place in the Jade Forest called the Tian Monastery.  That one rang a tiny little bell.  When we get a little breathing room, I may need to pay them a visit over that way.

Anyhow, back to work.  I’ll keep you posted on news as it happens, assuming my internet stays up.

Landfall

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 2, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

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Greetings from Pandaria, bitches!

We arrived yesterday and we’re well underway getting set up.  Our scouts had found a good location for a base along the southwestern shore of the Krasarang Wilds, and sent up a signal for us once the fleet was in range.  Once we brought everyone ashore, work on an outpost here got rolling.

Get this, though.  Turns out, at practically the exact same time, an ALLIANCE force landed at the EASTERN end of the Krasarang Wilds and started building a base THERE.  Which first of all, what are the odds of THAT timing, and also, for fuck’s sake, will people stop ripping off all my ideas?  I’ll tell you right now, if Varian starts writing poetry too, I’m going to lose my shit.

Anyway, this meant that shortly after we arrived, we had bunched of Alliance troops showing up and attacking.  And what THIS meant?  That yours truly got to get out there and mix it up with some humans, something I haven’t done in way too long.  You should have seen the looks on their faces, by the way.  Like “Holy shit, it’s Garrosh Hellscream!”  “Holy shit, he’s kicking our asses!”  “Holy shit, where did the bottom half of my torso go?”

So things are coming along now.  Blood Guard Gro’tash, Commander Scargash, and Rak’gor Bloodrazor are heading up the defenses while we build.  Meanwhile I’m sending Malkorok ahead to the Shrine of Two Moons, where I hear the last wave of Horde have set up camp, to check things out and also get Belloc Brightblade from the Reliquary started researching this race that used to rule Pandaria before the pandas took over.  There should be more Reliquary types on the way to join him once the rest of the blood elf ships arrive with Regent-Lord Ponytail.  Plus we’ve got one more waves of troops coming from Kalimdor to fill out our numbers here in Krasarang.

The only down side at this point is that my internet is pretty spotty.  Grizzle Gearslip, who’s overseeing most of the building project, seems to know his shit where construction is concerned, but he’s not the computer whiz Spazzle is.  I’ve only been able to get online sporadically with this laptop, and I don’t know if that’s going to change anytime soon, so I’m trying not to push my luck.  Definitely not rolling the dice trying to play Earth Online, for instance.  Hopefully Mokvar and Spazzle have been helping fill the void and can keep it up for the time being.

Also, by the way, while we were going around roflstomping Alliance, I got my first chance to break in Mortimer’s new armor, compliments of Gurtash.  Check is out:

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Pretty badass, huh?  The only thing Mortimer doesn’t seem too thrilled about is the horns attached to the headpiece.  Personally I think they look all hardcore, kind of like he’s got his own version of those tusks of Mannoroth’s that I wear.  But Mortimer just keeps giving me the same face he did last Winter Veil when I made him wear those fake reindeer antlers.

Oh, speaking of Winter Veil, by the way, before I left for this trip, I wrote up a guest post for Typhoon Andrew as part of Blog Azeroth’s Furtive Father Winter gift exchange.  You should totally check it out here if you haven’t already, even if it turns out it IS an Alliance blog.

Fucking Alliance.

Monday mailbag

Posted in Mailbag with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 19, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

Well, I asked for reports from the field, and as always, my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS stepped up to the plate and delivered.  There were a bunch of you who offered your scouting reports from Pandaria in the comments on my original post – I’d recommend having a look if you missed them, so you can see some of the early recon reports along with my responses – while some of you decided to write in to me directly.

So, let’s have at it.

 

This first one was actually posted as an open letter on Vanicus’ blog, which I’m reproducing here:

Dear Warchief,

You requested reports from the field in Pandaria. I have recently been on assignment in the southernmost part of the continent, in an area known as the Krasarang Wilds. It was there that I ran into a bipedal reptilian species known as the Saurok. I was fighting three of these creatures when, unbeknownst to me, a fourth unstealthed behind me. Suddenly this flying ball of fur and claws whipped past my head, and when I bested my opponents and turned around, this tiny windrider cub had attached himself to the Saurok’s face. Henceforth, he has followed me everywhere, and, given his bravery, loyalty, and ability to watch my back even at such a young age, I thought it appropriate to give him a worthy name. I have long been an admirer of your own Mortimer, and hope that mine will live up to the name.

 

F.Y.V.

–Crusader Vanicus, Krasarang Wilds

Okay, so you know what, Vanicus?  That’s just fantastic.  Glad to see you getting on board the wyverns-are-awesome bandwagon.  Believe me, you won’t regret keeping the little guy around.  If anything, he’s sure to provide you with heaps of entertainment when enemies underestimate him and then promptly find themselves getting WTFpwned.

One recommendation, though – make sure you’re diligent about keeping your food stored away somewhere he can’t get to it.  And do NOT underestimate the little furball when you’re sizing up “somewhere he can’t get to it.”  Those wyverns are RESOURCEFUL.  Seriously.  I’m at least 80% sure that a group of wyverns could cure cancer tomorrow if they thought there was a crate of fresh clefthoof steak in it for them.  And the last thing you need with ANY pet is for them to start getting fat, much less a pet whose calling card is the ability to FLY.

Side note, by the way – I’ve gotten a few notices on the Krasarang Wilds area.  Sounds like an interesting place, definitely worth keeping in mind for future operations.  It also seems like a fairly tropical area, which I have to say sounds kind of odd.  Follow along with me here: Pandaria is in the southern end of the ocean.  The Krasarang Wilds cover the southernmost part of the continent.  Which means that that zone should be relatively close to Azeroth’s south pole, so…you know…shouldn’t it be kind of COLD there?  Rather than all jungly and hospitable for cold-blooded reptilian races?

I mean, I would boggle more at the utter weirdness of Azerothian geography that it apparently gets WARMER as you go from the equator to the south pole, but then again, I hail from the shattered remains of a planet consisting of one big, flat chunk of rock that somehow still manages to maintain an atmosphere and gravitational field.  So, you know, who am I to criticize?

 

Dear Warchief,

I have begun my exploration of Pandaria as you requested.  I am currently focusing my attention on a region called the Valley of the Four Winds.  I must admit that my exploration has slowed down a lot here as the locals have offered me the chance to take up farming!  This was very new and exciting for me.  Having grown up in Silvermoon, I never had the chance to take up agriculture.  With all the mages, we would usually just conjure up our food.  You wouldn’t believe the difference it makes to have the fresh grown variety!

I would highly recommend paying a visit here when you have the chance, if only for the cuisine.  I’ve always been an amateur cook (I even made my EO character the chef class!) and I’m amazed by the variety of cooking styles here.  There are whole schools of recipes, like the wok, the grill, the steamer, etc.  I may need to get out of here before I get fat.

–Tandeleina, Halfhill

Oh come on now – you’re a blood elf, right?  Has a blood elf EVER gotten fat?  Or is that just because of the whole magic addiction thing?  Once you start using the Arcane Patch, does that put you in danger of putting on some pounds?

Anyway, Tandeleina, thanks for writing.  I guess it’ll be a good thing that our troops will be eating well once they get down there.  I can’t say I’m surprised that the pandas went all out developing different styles of cooking, considering how seriously they take their beer-brewing.  Eat, drink, and be merry, right?

Also, since you mentioned Earth Online, can I just say how MADDENING it is to level the cooking secondary profession there?  Maybe it’s different when it’s your actual character class, but those recipes are INSANE.  They use like ten times as many ingredients as anything in real life, and the process of cooking them is so ridiculously long and complicated.  I don’t know how ANYONE has the patience to level that shit up.

 

Greetings, Warchief:

I have spent most of my time in Pandaria studying the geology and mineralogy of this new continent.  I am pleased to report an unusually high concentration of a new metal ore in this region, (called “ghost iron” by the local residents).  Said ore contains a great number of high quality (and very beautiful) gems which are able to absorb and store an astonishing amount of magical essence — almost six and a half times more than the highest quality of gem previously known.  Day by day I continue my research in this area.  I believe my findings shall be most profitable.

However, this new continent may provide the solution to an even more desperate material concern: that of provisioning our armies and feeding our citizens.  I am no agricultural expert, but even I can tell that gaining control of the region known as the Valley of the Four Winds would solve this problem at a stroke.  Since words are insufficient to explain what I mean, I have enclosed a picture:

As you can see, this land is incredibly fertile and produces vegetables the size of which can scarcely be comprehended.  Local farmers attribute the size of their crops to the magical waters that pour into the valley.  I respectfully recommend further research into the properties of this water.

There are a few other oddities that might deserve further study.  For instance, I have no idea what to make of the flocks of flying turtles:

They seemed harmless enough… but one can never be too certain.  I noticed a mage running around near the turtles cackling maniacally, so perhaps the turtles have some detrimental effect on the mind?  So I killed them.  The turtles and the mage.  Just to be safe.

Finally, I hear that you are looking to procure new creatures for gladiatorial combat.  Might I recommend pitting some of the Pandarian virmen against some murlocs?

Respectfully Yours,

–Karalina, Valley of the Four Winds

Thanks for writing, Karalina, but man, what’s up with everybody thinking with their stomachs today?  Do you know Tandeleina?  Were you two roommates at Silvermoon University or something, and took on the freshman fifteen together?

So, on the plus side, HOLY CRAP them’s some huge vegetables.  On the down side…well, they’re frigging VEGETABLES.  Show me a magical, bottomless source of 800-pound slabs of bacon, and THEN I’ll be impressed.  Still, I suppose the giant rabbit food must be good for something.  Other than, you know, raising giant rabbits.  Or are you going to tell me they have those out there, too?  Point being, though, I suppose giant carrots and cabbages and such would probably be pretty handy to someone.  They’d probably go over like gangbunsters at the salad bars they have up in Silvermoon.  And they might actually make for a nice finishing touch over in the Valley of Spirits, come to think of it.  (You trolls wanted more food?  WELL HERE YOU GO, HAVE SOME MORE MOTHERFUCKING FOOD.)

Interesting about the water up there, though.  Definitely something to follow up on.  I may see about getting Faranell down there on assignment to do some alchemical research on the stuff.  You know, as soon as I can arrange for some supervision for him, to make sure he doesn’t default to old habits and next thing we know the whole valley is one giant orchard of 50-pound PlagueApples.  (I can just hear him now – “Well no, green apple is a very popular flavor these days.” “GREEN apple, Edwin, not fucking GREEN AND FUMING NOXIOUS VAPORS…”)

What are these “virmen” things, by the way?  Whatever they are, gotta admit, setting ANYTHING up to kill murlocs for my amusement is going to be a pretty easy sell.

 

This letter arrives on a very, very long scroll of parchment which is almost completely covered in drawings. The words of the letter are scattered almost randomly throughout the sketches of Kalimdor creatures, and the ink colors of both drawings and words span the entire rainbow. Surprisingly, the handwriting is rather legible, despite a few mirrored letters and shaky lines.

Deer Mr Warcheif Sir,

Mr U and Mr D hav bin very nice to me. They told me what you sed, and I hav sum ansers for you. I had cak becuz I askd for it, and becuz I wud hav made it myself if no one did for me. I sed so, and evryon ran around making cak for me. It was funni. I did meet Mr D to, but he dosnt lik me as much as Mr U dos. Mr U is trying to help me rite and spell bettr to. He helpd me find tings to do to. Iv helpd a lot of peeple now, and they all gav me munny and new armer. I also lerned how to fly! Mr U and Mr D are jellis, becuz I can turn into a burd and they cant. They cant fly unless they hav wind riders. Now that I can fly, Im a big drewd. I was going to com see you and ask if I can help you, but Mr U and Mr D told me that when they talk to you, they get hit and dont get to say what they want to say. I was skerd youd hit me too. So I wrot a lettr insted. Can I help you? Im a big drewd now, and I want to do things like Mr U and Mr D get to.

The letter is signed with an inky pawprint and the name “Taktani” in multicolored inks.

Oh boy.  Here we go again.  Hang on a second while I fire up the TranslationMaster 2000 for this.

TranslationMaster 2000
© Fizzletrinket Technologies
Your free trial period has expired.  Please register your paid copy and enter your registration code in the field below.

…The FUCK?!  Spazzle set up a fucking paid registration system for this thing?!  Since when has he been trying to milk money out of people with his little dorky side projects?  Oh yeah, I forgot, he’s a GOBLIN, so I guess the answer to that would be since fucking EVER.  I’ll have to remember to strangle a registration code out of him later.

Anyway, I think I can handle this one myself.  I hope.

Okay, so apparently she’s hanging around with Dontrag and Utvoch, which, you know, better her than me.

I did meet Mr D to, but he dosnt lik me as much as Mr U dos.

Holy freaking hell, I hope this is just the dumbass illiterate way she spells “like.”  Please, please, spirits help me, for the love of all that’s good and vengeful, tell me she means “like” here, because if it’s option B, I seriously don’t know if I’ll be able to live.

Mr U is trying to help me rite and spell bettr to.

Riddle me this, Rexxar: which is more horrifying, the idea of Utvoch TEACHING someone writing skills, or the fact that the student in question could probably legitimately use his help?

I’m pretty sure language itself just threw up in its mouth a little.

I also lerned how to fly! Mr U and Mr D are jellis, becuz I can turn into a burd and they cant. They cant fly unless they hav wind riders.

Hey now, go ahead and enjoy your damn druid flight form, but you watch what you say about windriders, little Miss Veal Chop on Wings.  We’ve already covered the wyvern pride in this mailbag.

I was going to com see you and ask if I can help you, but Mr U and Mr D told me that when they talk to you, they get hit and dont get to say what they want to say. I was skerd youd hit me too. So I wrot a lettr insted.

D&U have sadly misinformed you if they’ve led you to believe that continuing to send me these letters would DECREASE the chance of your getting smacked around.  I swear, between D&U’s talking and this chick’s writing, it’s like they’re coordinating to make sure they’ve got mental anguish for Garrosh covered across every medium.

Anyway, though…since it seems like you really do want to help, and you’ve cleared out all the busywork in Kalimdor…  Why don’t you drop by the Dark Portal and see if they can use any help in Outland.  I bet they’ll have lots of stuff for you to do.  Hell, I hear your Cenarion druid hippie buddies even have a whole thing going on out there.  That should keep you occupied for a while.  (And seriously, I’m kind of disappointed in myself for not thinking of this until now – why did it not occur to me that I could frigging send Dontrag and Utvoch TO ANOTHER PLANET?)

 

Greetings Warchief,

I have made a grave mistake.  I am a Pandaren from the Wandering Island and decided to take up traveling after meeting some strangers from the Alliance and Horde.  I was told I would have to pick which faction I wished to join.  I decided on joining the Alliance because Aysa Cloudsinger was a cousin of mine.  It was a big mistake.  Varian Wyrnn is a complete pushover.  I was able to easily knock him down when he asked for a sparring session.  I need a leader that instill fear into his enemies and Varian is clearly not the one to do that.  I humbly ask if you would allow me to join the Horde so that I may hold my head high when I am fighting.

Eagerly awaiting your answer,

–Windblossom, Stormwind

You know, when the Huojin Pandaren showed up in Orgrimmar, I gave them all this big speech about how any of their panda friends who chose to side with the Alliance were dead to them now.  And I’d already decided that I was going to stick to a “You made your bed, now lie in it” policy for any pandas who had gone to the other side.

But you know…

Heh.

In this case, I’ve gotta say…

Hehe.  Heh heh.  Hehehe heh.

Hehe.

Hehe heh HAH hahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THAT’S just FUCKING AWESOME.

<looks at picture again>

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAAAAAA!!!!

<chucklecrying>

Welcome to the Horde, Windblossom.  F.Y.V.!

That’s it for this week, kids.  I need to go find a tissue.  Holy shit, my sides hurt.

 

 

HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH HEE HEEEE HAAA!

Fuck I love my readers.

<snort>