Archive for draz’zilb

LIVE BLOG: Ask Garrosh Anything!

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 15, 2015 by Garrosh Hellscream

question

Here we go!  As promised a few days ago, tonight the Warchief of the Horde (current or former, depending on how you count, because timey-whimey), Garrosh Hellscream, will answer any questions you’d care to throw at him!  If you can see this post, then the floor is now open for questions.  You can submit your question to the Warchief through any number of means: as a comment on this post, an e-mail to garrosh1337@gmail.com, a tweet to @GarroshHllscrm, an inquiry posted to Ask.fm, or a message through Garrosh’s Facebook or Google+ (feel free to add him on any and all of these, by the way!).

As I’ve noted before, there are a few simple ground rules for questions:

  • No spoilers!  Garrosh’s blog incarnation is currently living out the events of the Patch 5.2 timeframe.  If you’d like to include some sort of comical nod or foreshadowing toward future events in your question, feel free!  But questions explicitly referencing events that have not yet occurred in the blog will not be answered.
  • No anonymous questions will be answered.  You can submit your question under your in-game character name, a blogging pseudonym, a Twitter handle, whatever, but there must be an author to whom your question can be attributed.
  • This should probably go without saying, but no questions will be answered that are clearly engaged in harassing, trolling (not you, Bob), antagonizing, or generally disregarding the fun intentions of the endeavor.  Questions that seem to disregard, willfully or accidentally, the fundamental premises of the blog (check here for the basics, here if you’re feeling ambitious) will either be ignored or, perhaps, answered in a…derisive manner.

How it works: The live blog proper will begin at 8:30 PM EST (give or take a few minutes).  All questions will be added to this post.  Refresh this page periodically to check for updates!  I expect some responses will come quickly, while others may take a little longer, depending on what sort of response is called for.

While I will never alter the substance of your question, I reserve the right to make minor edits to correct errors (i.e., you refer to Spazzle when you clearly mean Gurtash) or to delete something spoiler-ish from an otherwise good question.

I plan to keep going for as long as I have questions that I think will be interesting and entertaining to answer, so keep them coming!  While I plan to try to answer as many questions as possible, I make no guarantee or promise that any individual question will get a response (i.e., I reserve the right to pick and choose which one I answer).  When the blog is finished for the night, Garrosh will explicitly announce that, so if there hasn’t been a “Good night, everyone!” type of statement, you can assume there’s still more on the way.

So, with all the quasi-legal technicalities out of the way… Get to it!  Ask away!  Answers to begin once ol’ you-know-who makes his glorious arrival…

* * * * *

HERE WE GO, BITCHES!  Brace your mind and hold on to your ass, because it’s time for yours truly, the one-and-only GARROSH HELLSCREAM, to answer ALL THE QUESTIONS YOU WERE AFRAID TO ASK.  Except I guess you weren’t.  Because you asked them.  SO NICE JOB NOT BEING A BUNCH OF FUCKING PANSIES RIGHT OUT THE GATE.

Okay, let’s see what we’ve got here.  Keep ‘em coming as you think of ‘em…

What do you consider your biggest non-combat achievement? –Zugzug

There are non-combat achievements?

I kid, I kid.  Well, not really.  But whatever, I should still come up with a kinda-real answer.

You probably wouldn’t see this achievement coming, but: First runner-up in the seventh annual Garadar chili cook-off.  Which was amended to first place after… well, something unfortunate happened to original-winner Grok’nar.  (My best to his widow.)  (And I do mean my best.)

See, this might come as a surprise, but your Warchief isn’t half bad as a cook.  As a matter of fact, one of the things I had to get used to when I became Warchief was having OTHER people cooking for me.  I was never used to having other people serving me.  Just felt weird.  Still does.  Even up in Northrend, I usually chipped in on odd chores around Warsong Hold if I didn’t have more urgent things to do — as much as I was tough on the troops up on there, I think it was kinda good for morale for them to see I didn’t think I was too good to get my hands dirty with the stuff I was asking them to do.  Anyway, every so often I would sneak into the kitchen and help them whip up a few things, even then.  I actually found it pretty relaxing.  Well, except for Saurfang and his damn picky menu.  No pork my ass.

Warchief Garrosh Hellscream, 

After invading my kingdom in the most brutal manner possible, killing my son, forcing my general and lifelong friend Crowley to surrender by holding his daughter hostage and carving a bloody swath through my people’s ranks, it recently came to my attention that Sylvanas Windrunner, leader of the Forsaken who count themselves among your number, has been using full-strength Blight – which you yourself banned – and kidnapped one Koltira Deathweaver away to the Undercity for torture and brainwashing, according to my informants (who shall remain nameless). In short, she has revealed herself to be an enemy of the Alliance and a liability to the Horde, of wich you are warchief. 
So my question is: What are you going to DO about her?!
With all due respect,
–Genn Graymane, King of Gilneas

Does anyone smell wet dog in here, or is it just me?

Oh, wait, it’s Genn.  He must have picked up that stink from hanging around Varian all day.

Anyway.  Let’s take this a little at a time:

After invading my kingdom in the most brutal manner possible,

Sounds like a good start.

killing my son,

That’ll teach him to keep his guard up.

forcing my general and lifelong friend Crowley to surrender by holding his daughter hostage

 Can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.

and carving a bloody swath through my people’s ranks,

 Not seeing a problem so far.

it recently came to my attention that Sylvanas Windrunner, leader of the Forsaken who count themselves among your number,

Your grasp of current events as of like eight years ago is impeccable.

has been using full-strength Blight – which you yourself banned –

The WHAT you say?

and kidnapped one Koltira Deathweaver away to the Undercity for torture and brainwashing,

Holy fucking shit, is THAT where that motherfucker went?!

according to my informants (who shall remain nameless).

 I… okay, hang on.  Here’s where you’re starting to chase your tail.  So to speak.  Okay, so you’re telling me, SOME PEOPLE, who YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHO THEY ARE OR HOW THEY KNOW THIS SHIT, BUT OH BOY BELIEVE ME, THEY SURE KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT, these people tell you blah blah blah Sylvanas?  And so…you’re asking me, what, if I’m going to lay the smackdown on her or something?  And, say, go attack the Forsaken or some shit, who by COMPLETE COINCIDENCE happen to be the same people who KICKED YOUR ASS, only now I’m going to go after them because OH NO YOU DON’T LIKE SYLVANAS?

Well, get in line, chief.  Nobody likes Sylvanas.  Other the people who are already dead, but that’s their damage.  And for real, I’m not going to break off one chunk of the Horde and go stage, what? a civil war or some shit against ANOTHER major part of the Horde, just because I think their leader’s kind of a jerk.

Come on, who’s going to be a big enough asshat to play THAT card?

Do you have a sure fire cure for head aches? –Toka

The only one I’ve found that works pretty consistently is that once Dontrag and Utvoch get going with their damn yammering, and going on and on about whatever the fuck they’re saying, and the headache starts kicking in, you watch them pretty close — I know it might hurt your eyes a little at first, but hang in there, you’ve gotta push through that part — and then when you see them position themselves good and close, you reach over and smack their heads together good and hard.  I can’t stress this enough: you can’t be shy about really putting a good CRACK into cracking them together.  Then, worst case scenario, they’ll usually shut up for a little while, or better yet at least one of them will lose consciousness for at least an hour or two.  Plus when they come to, seems like they end up suffering some really killer headaches themselves, which, you know, poetic justice.  SMACKED DOWN BY IRONY, BITCHES.

Of course, if your particular headaches aren’t D&U related, I don’t know what to tell you.  <shrug>

Do you believe in ghosts?‎ –@RuekieShaman

I… Hang on.

You’re asking me…if I believe in ghosts?

Rook, what planet do you live on?  We have an entire fucking FACTION of the Horde that keeps ghosts around as fucking bankers and shit.  Every been to Stratholme?  Scholomance?  Like fifteen other places I can think of right off the top of my head?  Dude, I had the ghost of my MOM following me around for a few weeks a couple years ago!  Where have YOU been?

So you know what?  Let me see your “do you believe in ghosts?” question and raise you this one:

Do you believe in goblins?

What do you do to relax? –LazyPeon

Well, let’s see.  Writing the ol’ EPIC VERSE can be a good way to unwind, unless I write myself into one of those corners where there’s something I want to say but I can’t come up with something that rhymes with “orange,” because who the fuck had the bright idea to invent a word that like NOTHING rhymes with.  And when I have a little down time between meetings and missions of conquest and, you know, tax audits and shit, back when I was starting as Warchief, I used to sneak in a few games of cribbage with Eitrigg.  Only that old guy was way too good at that game, so he usually won, and that wasn’t exactly so great for my mood.  Lately I’ve been trying to teach Malkorok how to play, but I mean, he’s good at his job and all but overall he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, and so I end up having to repeat myself a lot, and re-explain things, and that pisses me off a lot, too.  Pretty much the only thing I can think of that I found consistently relaxing, actually, was doing some barbecuing, or whipping up a big pot of something, but like I was saying a few questions ago, since becoming Warchief I haven’t had that much of a chance to do much cooking myself.  So there goes that one.

Um.  So I guess the point is that apparently I have a pretty fucking stressful life.  Thanks for reminding me, peon.  Fuck.

What are you going to do when Shay wants to date?  What if it is the Black Prince?  Or Prince Anduin? –Zugzug

I…

DON’T EVEN JOKE ABOUT THAT SHIT

ESPECIALLY THE LAST PART OF THAT SHIT

WHICH IS SHITTY SHIT EVEN BY SHIT STANDARDS HOLY SHIT

The fuck is WRONG with you people coming up with this stuff?!

So…excuse me a minute.  I think I need to go sharpen Gorehowl.

[OOC aside, because I love to tease: There is an upcoming comic, already written and partially sketched out, involving Shayari bringing a prospective boyfriend to meet Garrosh. Yes, really.]

Out of sheer curiosity, any other pastry loves *besides* lemon squares? –Aranya Ver’sarn

Lime squares.  A pale imitation, but they’ll do in a pinch.

I have also been known on occasion to pick up one of those giant chocolate chip cookies and spend the afternoon strolling around Orgrimmar munching while I’m doing my business.  One of my prouder moments, actually, was one time when I was doing that, and D and/or U, whoever the fuck because who even cares enough to remember, started bugging me about that shit, and I actually managed to knock him out by smacking him over the head WITH the giant cookie.

So, you know, that’s…wait for it…the way the cookie crumbles.  (THAT’S RIGHT, GARROSH GOT JOKES)

Has anyone turned down your lemon squares, and did they survive it? How successful were they among the draenai ladies? –@SintraEdrien

 You know, I don’t usually get in the habit of running around OFFERING the lemon squares.  People are much more likely to come rolling up on me ASKING for them, especially since word about them leaked onto the internet, and from that point, hoo boy, every motherfucker with an Azeroth Online account figured they could just hit me up for a sample, because when you make the internet easy enough for any fuckhead to use, every fuckhead will.

Where was I?

But…no.  I can’t think of anyone who ever turned down the lemon squares.  Even with as much fail as I have surrounding me in a usual day at the office, even THOSE failures don’t fail enough to fail to notice the lemony awesomeness of Greatmother’s recipe.  I would guess if they did they would pretty definitely find a way to screw up their chances with the draenei girls.  I, on the other hand, rarely have problems when I offer some sweets to the ladies, draenei or otherwise, seeing as, y’know, #TheLadiesLoveGarrosh.

Hang on.  Is Shay reading this?  Where’s that delete key again?  SPAZZLE!

How much do you weigh? –Jordyn

7’2″, 340 lbs. of pure muscle.

And bone.

And sinew.

And…internal…body part…um… organs and… kidney stones…erm… YOU GET THE POINT.

As a leader, what are the toughest decisions you have to make? Lok’tar Ogar –@DonnerB123

The toughest ones, no surprise, are the biggest ones.  Which pretty much come down to decisions of life and death.  Like…literally, who to kill and who not to kill.  Really brief cases in point: there was that time a was back (and some of you people might not even have been reading here when this was going on, which raises the question WHY THE FUCK NOT), when me and Mokvar and a few others were trapped in this alternate timeline where Dranosh Saurfang was still alive…only pretty much the only way for us to save the Horde was for me to pretty much kill him.  On the other hand… every day, here in Orgrimmar, I’m surrounded by the Dontrags and Utvochs and Lor’themars and whoever the fuck elses, one annoying fucker after another griping about nuisance after nuisance…and I have to decide NOT to kill them.  Because reasons.  I guess.

We live in an imperfect world, DonnerB123.  An ugly, imperfect world.

So . . . I simply can’t seem to get the hang of this: Is it Dontvoch and Utrag, or Dontut and Vochtrag? My head hurts . . . –@SintraEdrien

 Nobody knows, Sintra.  Nobody fucking knows.

Would you ever want to return to Nagrand? –@Malkorok_

Oh, hey, Malk.  Taking a break from reading that Cribbage for Fucking Idiots guide I gave you, huh?

Anyway… Would I want to return to Nagrand, like to visit?  Sure.  I’ve been back a couple times to see Greatmother.  Not for a while now, granted, but still.  So yeah, it would be nice to see the old place again, one of these days, when things calm down.

Return for good, though?  Doubt it.  Nagrand’s always going to be home, mind you, but my life is in Azeroth now.  The past is the past, and all that, and you can’t go back.  Well, you can, but, you know…well, don’t remind me.  FUCKING TIME TRAVEL.

When are you finally going to get married? –@Greatmom_Geyah

Oh, hey, check out the timing there.  I was just talking about you, Greatmother.

And…yeah.  Okay, Greatmother, look.  We’re all adults here, so I’m going to be real with you.  You know the old saying, right?  Why buy the cow, when you literally have dozens of hot women of every description lining up around Grommash Hold for a chance to take turns at…

Hang on.

Is Shayari reading this or not?  Can somebody go check on this for me?  Seriously.

Warchief, watch out for elven ships around durotar… Your habit of antagonizing the idiot in charge of Silvermoon could have repercussions, now that they’re stockpiling Mogu weaponry. Possibly Forsaken ships too, you KNOW those two are in bed. Figuratively. Though maybe this is the elves ending that? What do you think about this? –Ritaba

Okay… I’m not sure if this is actually a question, but… Let me put it this way, Ritaba.  Ask me again how worried I am about Regent-Lord Hair-Care rising up like an avenging demon (*chortle*) and rallying his wrathful people (*guffaw*) to unleash a blood wave of vengeance on me.

Yeah.  Like zero…

Dear Warchief- could you pleeeease appoint us a leader? Ever since the last Sunstrider went wacko on us, we’ve been lost… –@SintraEDrien

 …aaaaaand here’s case in point as to why.

What is your favorite place in all of Azeroth? –Orgrimmar Travel Agency

You know what?  You probably wouldn’t guess this, but Mulgore.  I really like Mulgore.  Reminds me of Nagrand a lot — rolling plains, open skies, all that kind of thing.

Honorable mention for weekends and vacations: What happens at Gallywix’s Pleasure Palace, stays at Gallywix’s Pleasure Palace.

Least favorite: Ashenvale.  I hate Ashenvale.  For multiples reasons, most of which revolve the same fel-forsaken part of it.

Warchief, I must know,
Much is known of the Kor’kron’s activities in Pandaria, and the Blackrock clan’s work in Orgrimmar and abroad. But what of your Warsong clan? They have been inactive since the Cataclysm, as far as anyone can tell. Do you have any big plans for them coming up? –Grottee Metalbeard, goblin shaman

Now see, I can understand how this could have caused some confusion.  Because yeah, the Warsong clan came with me up to Northrend, and they represented a big chunk of our forces when I was in command up there.  And then in the time right after the Cataclysm, they were pretty active in Ashenvale (which is not, I might have mentioned, on my list of Favorite Places Ever).  And so, yeah, since then, I can see how it might look to you like they’ve gone fairly inactive, but that’s just because the clan hasn’t been operating as much as a singular force.  See, before I became Warchief, I was chieftain of the clan, so they represented the main bulk of the forces under my command.  Now, though, I have ALL the orcish clans under my jurisdiction, so there isn’t as much need for me to be lining up jobs for the Warsong specifically.  They’ve been keeping busy, just not in a way that makes you go “the Warsong orcs are doing THIS over THERE.”  Some of them were part of Nazgrim’s detachment heading down to Pandaria, a lot of them have been recruited into the ranks of the Kor’kron along with more than a few Blackrocks, others have been assigned to some other operations I have going on around Orgrimmar.  So they’re just getting around more.  Spread the love!  And by “love,” I mean, of course, “bloody fist of retribution.”

If Varian begged for mercy would you? a: mock him, b: cut off his head, c: take over SW, d: all of the above –@SintraEDrien

Sorry, I can’t get past the first five words without cackling maniacally so hard I fall out of my chair.

Heh. Heheh.

HAAAAA!

What’s your earliest memory? –@LibFeathers

You know, my VERY earliest memories aren’t really specific memories of particular events, just the sort of odds and ends that most people remember.  My childhood in Nagrand, obviously — I can remember back, vaguely, to when I was around five or so.  My mom was still alive then, so I remember her, and I remember us fighting through the red pox as best we could…which, let me tell you, SUCKED.  There was the pet clefthoof I had back then, y’know, before meat supplies started getting thin that one winter, and there was me getting to be friends with Dranosh.  We hung out a lot back then, fishing and hunting and stuff — me and Dranosh and Jorin Deadeye, actually, back before Jorin turned out to be a dick.  Um… probably my earliest memories of specific events all revolved around my mom — the day when Greatmother told me she’d died, for one.  And one, a little while before that, back when the pox was still going on.  I’d woken up from this nightmare, and she and I stayed up a while talking about it, and it’s nothing really momentous or even important, but it was just one of those little things that stick with you, you know?  Anyway…that’s it for early memories.  Not fun, I know.  But like…if something’d going to stick in your head from THAT young, it’s almost always going to be something bad, right?

By any chance would you be willing to add any pandaren cultural festivals to be acknowledged? Brewfest does not count. –@ShenWeiPureblossom

Funny coincidence — you should totally go talk to Ji about this.  I’ve heard he was talking to some of the other pandas about carrying over some custom you guys had on your wandering turtle island whatever-the-fuck is was, some kind of outdoor festival with noodles or something?  Check in with Lunchbox about this, he could probably use a hand setting it up.  Hell, I might even try to whip something up myself for it, if it happens.  Like I’ve been saying, it’s been too long since I got in the kitchen.

[More OOC teasing: This is indeed on the way. In the not-too-distant future, the Pandaren Noodle Festival comes to Orgrimmar, in a comic/transcript featuring… well… almost the entire damn supporting cast.]

Hail Warchief Hellscream! It has been some time since I have found the time to reply to your writings as things have been quite busy up in Hearthglen lately. Especially with the arrival of his gracious young Highness, Prince Anduin, while he convalesces at Mardenholde for a time. Something about a bell, if I recall. Anyway, onto the question before I tarry on too long.

I had heard from a rather reliable source who would prefer anonymity that some months ago, you suffered from an invasion in Orgrimmar. Was this true, and what occurred? –Tirion Fordring

Oh geez…here we go.  Well, at least T-Ford managed to keep it under 5000 words.

So…yeah.  I don’t know if I would call it an INVASION, but… a little while back, yeah, there was…an incident.  This goes back a few months… May, I think?  Anyway, I’m hanging around in Grommash Hold, right?  Just minding my own business, plotting world domination, same ol’ same ol’.  A regular day at the office.  When all of a sudden, out of like NOWHERE, these gnomes start running into the place.  And at first, I’m like, DAMMIT MALKOROK, how about some security up in this piece, but then I see the sheer NUMBER of them — there’s hundreds of these motherfuckers.  Maybe even THOUSANDS of them.  Which, if you know how I feel about gnomes, was just filling me with a level of glee that could have wiped out all life in the universe.

Thing of it is, this wasn’t some actual invasion or ATTACK from the fuckers down in Gnomergan, or…wherever they fuck they’re living these days.  The part of Gnome-ville that’s not fucking glowing from radiation and shit.  Anyhow, THESE gnomes are all like…the noobiest, weakest, saddest little excuses for underpowered gnomes you’ve ever seen — and seriously, do you KNOW how fucking SAD someone has to be for me to be forced to coin the phrase “underpowered gnomes”?

And so in they come, in sheer numbers too big for the guards to stop them all on the way in — though, believe me, if you saw the trail of bodies you’d know they fucking TRIED — and they come flooding like rats into Grommash Hold, only if they were rats I might actually worry about it more because FLEAS.  And here’s the punchline — when they finally got close to me, you know what they’re big finishing move was?  They all kept trying to hug and kiss me.  Like my foot or some shit.  Until I popped a bladestorm, and, you know, eight trillion dead gnomes.

Which is a beautiful way to line up four words, I gotta say.

Do you like to dance? –Jordyn

Draw your own conclusions.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oc0DmOHSQ4w

Do you think that maybe Mokvar and Deliana were ever married in a previous life? They seem so . . . together. –@SintraEDrien

DUDE, I don’t know WHAT the fuck to think about those two.  Would it SURPRISE me?  No.  I am WAY past the point where fucking ANYTHING could surprise me around here.  So much weird shit has gone on around here the last few years, I consider NOTHING off the menu.  Mokvar and that human chick married?  Sure, maybe.  Half-draenei daughter from years back turns up at the front door?  Why the fuck not?  Ji Deep-Dish floats around in a fucking balloon and gets his pudgy ass stuck in a honey tree?  Sounds normal to me.  For real, man, at this point fucking Draz’Zilb the ogre could show up riding Onyxia, who’s been reanimated for like the forty-seventh time as far as anybody can count, with Anduin on a leash dressed like in a bear suit, and when Draz belches Anduin’s been conditioned to tell a knock-knock joke, and my reaction would be “Yeah, sure, why didn’t I see it coming?”  WELCOME TO AZEROTH, WHERE THE BOTTOMLESS CUP OF WHAT THE FUCK FLOWS FREELY IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

Warchief, I really loved your poem about your pet clefthoof, it really brought a tear to my eye. Could you please share another sample of your EPIC VERSE from your childhood back in Garadar? –Khizzara

Hmm… okay, let me dig out the old journal and see if I can find something for you.  Now, keep in mind, my poems back in those days weren’t nearly as polished, but let’s see…

Okay.

There was a little orc
Who ate a little pork
Over in the breakfast nook
And when he was bad
He wished that he was good
Cause Greatmom’s got a mean right hook

EPIC VERSE!

Wait… that’s… yeah, that one maybe doesn’t come off looking so good.

Um… I’ll see what else I can find.

When will you ever figure out that the constant stream of adventurers coming to annoy you about gold were sent from me? –@M_Grimtotem

OH FUCK YOU, MAGATHA

So for anyone who missed this, a ways back, Madame Upright Hamburger here stirred up some shit on Twitter, where she went on about having hidden a stash of gold somewhere in my damn throne room, and offering it as a giveaway to anyone who could find it.  Which set off a borderline-noob-gnome-like influx of random motherfuckers running into Grommash Hold and trying to turn the damn place upside down looking for the loot.  So finally, FINALLY, after Malkorok and his people rounded up and fucking executed like I don’t even know how many of these people, my throne room stopped being the hot spot for random asshats to go hang out.  You know, aside from the random asshats who hang out there professionally.  And before anybody starts getting all excited, let me reiterate: THERE IS NO TREASURE HIDDEN IN MY THRONE ROOM, OKAY?  Seriously.  The last thing I want to have happen a little ways down the road is like another ten or fifteen or twenty-five random people to come running through into my command room expecting to collect loot.

What’s the latest between you and Zaela? –@MyGarona

Look, Greatmom, I’ve told you, stop trying to… wait.

Garona?

Seriously?

Jealous much?

Look, there’s nothing going on with me and Zaela, okay?

…that you need to concern yourself with.

<waggle>

What’s the deal with people thinking Mokvar and I are a couple? No matter how many times I try, I can’t convince ANYONE! –Deliana Hawthorne

Because, see, Lor’themar can say he’s a dude, and he can call himself a dude, and he can stroll around all day in dude’s clothes and using all the right pronouns and shit, and he can talk himself red in the face trying to tell everybody he’s a dude, but at the end of the day, people with eyes and still look at him and see that he’s Lor’themar.

Also, who the hell let HER in here?  MALK!  How about some security, dammit?!

What’s your favorite tipple? Beer? Wine? Liquor? If any, what variety do you enjoy in particular? –@SintraEDrien

Holy shit, Sintra, you’ve sure got a lot of questions.

I’m pretty simple as far as my drinking tastes go.  Beer and grog, a some rum on occasion.  They have some pretty good varieties out of Stranglethorn, so I’ll pick up a bottle or two when I have the chance.  Maybe a little cherry grog on occasion, but that’s about as fancy as I get with it.  Although, you want to know who’s MAJORLY into the weird fruity drinks, like those ones that come with the little umbrellas every single time like there’s a fucking law prohibiting their sale without them, like drinking the drink has a chance of proccing rain and the damn umbrella has to be included as a fucking safety measure?  Malkorok.  No joke.  Dude can’t suck down enough of that shit.

Your guess is as good as mine.

Why don’t you like us? We just want to help. –@Dontrag_Utvoch

Do you want me to get into the list chronologically, alphabetically, or in order of importance?

You know what?  It’s not even worth it.  It’s like…fuck, it’s like trying to explain to the damn wolf pup why you’re yelling at it two hours after it peed on the carpet.  What’s even the fucking point?

Although…you know what’s funny?  Check it: Damned if I can remember which of these fuckers is which, but I know, rank-wise, Dontrag is a sergeant, and Utvoch is a scout.  Now it’s kinda-sorta funny that after like nine years in the Horde military, Utvoch still hasn’t managed to get promoted above the absolute lowest possible rank there is.  Like, the day you show up, they make you a scout, and here he is a decade later and he’s STILL only managed to keep himself half a rung up from peon.

So that’s good for a chuckle.  But you want to know the disturbing part?  Back when I first met General Nazgrim, in Northrend, dude was rank sergeant.  So that means that until I took over and started doing promotions and reassignments, fucking DONTRAG AND NAZGRIM WERE THE SAME DAMN RANK.

On the other hand, I suppose we don’t know for sure that Dontrag COULDN’T steer a ship in a straight line without crashing it, so…

Anyhow.  Okay, one more, so let’s see what we’ve got to wrap up.

When are we going to hear the rest of @Mokvar_Scribe‘s tale? The people want answers! –Deliana Hawthorne

Wait, her again?  DAMMIT MALKOROK, GET ON THIS!

But, okay, to answer your question:

Starting…NOW.*

That’s it for questions for tonight.  Thanks to all of my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS for contributing, and to all of my enemies who came by, FUCK YOU ALL BUT THANKS FOR THE PAGEVIEWS, NOW HIT RFRESH A FEW MORE TIMES THEN CROAK.

I’m out, people.  More soon.

* * * * *

*VERY soon, in fact — as an added perk for those of you who’ve stayed this late into the going, well…count to ten, click back to the main page, and rejoin the ongoing tale of Mokvar, Garrosh, and more!

Meanwhile, for those of you coming late to the party, don’t worry, you haven’t missed your chance to pose your questions to the Warchief — there’s always his monthly mailbag!  Next edition coming March 2!  Feel free to e-mail, or use the handy-dandy form below:

West Azeroth Story, Act 3

Posted in Transcripts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 23, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

The curtain rises.  Spotlights illuminate the left and right sides of the stage separately, as Garrosh leads the Horde forces across the Barrens on one side and Varian leads the Alliance from Theramore.

 

{QUINTET}

HORDE:

The Horde is gonna have its day
Tonight.
The Horde is gonna have its way
Tonight.
Alliance think we’re jokin’, no doubt,
But once their king is broken,
We’re kicking them out.

ALLIANCE:

We’re gonna look ’em in the eyes
Tonight.
We’re gonna cut ’em down to size
Tonight.
We told ’em they could can it: war cries.
We’ll kick ’em off our planet
Once Garrosh, he dies
Tonight.

HORDE:

We’re gonna stop it tonight,
We’re going to drive them off and take Kalimdor!

ALLIANCE:

We’ll turn the tables tonight,
We can’t afford to mess around anymore –
Green-skins invade us!

HORDE:

The Legion made us!
But this time we’re the ones who’ll finish this war!

ALL:

Tonight!

A spotlight illuminates a Theramore courtyard at stage right, where Jaina is seen with Rhonin.

JAINA:

I really do not like this plan
Tonight.
Things really could get out of hand
Tonight.

RHONIN:

They’ll show up for the battle:
Brief truce.
With you there, maybe that’ll
Give an excuse
Tonight?

Jaina nods to Rhonin and rushes out.

A spotlight illuminates Mokvar crossing the Southfury River into the Barrens.

MOKVAR:

Tonight, tonight,
This stinks like saronite.
Tonight the flames of war could be fanned.
Tonight, tonight,
When our two leaders fight,
That Malkorok may have something planned.

One more spotlight illuminates the Theramore tower, where Deliana looks out a window.

DELIANA:

Tonight
The past may come back calling,
The future that we’re stalling,
And now, out of my sight,
There’s such a fright
That what we’ve done is coming to light…

HORDE:

The Horde is coming out on top tonght!
We’re gonna watch Varian drop tonight!
They’ll go slow as molasses,
Cry and pout.
The door will hit their asses
On their way out.

Garrosh, Malkorok, the rest of the Horde group, and Deliana overlap:

GARROSH:

<to Malkorok>  You keep a wide-open eye.

MALKOROK:

Right.

GARROSH:

In case he tries something sly.

MALKOROK:

Right.

GARROSH:

For the Horde!

HORDE:

For the Horde!

MALKOROK:

And they might have a surprise
Tonight.

DELIANA:

Tonight, tonight
Our role it might indict,
Tonight the flames of war could be fanned.

The Horde, Alliance, Mokvar, Deliana, and Jaina – who is now riding across Dustwallow Marsh – overlap:

HORDE and ALLIANCE:

We’re gonna stop it tonight!
We’re gonna end it tonight!
They’re gonna get it tonight!

ALLIANCE:

They invaded,
They invaded,
They invaded.

HORDE:

Here we’ve made it,
Here we’ve made it,
Home: we made it.

ALLIANCE:

We can’t afford to mess around.
Alliance has to win the day,
Alliance has to find a way.
We’ve got to stop it tonight.

HORDE:

We’re gonna grind them to the ground,
The Horde is gonna have its day,
The Horde is gonna have its way.
We’ve got to stop it tonight.

JAINA:

Tonight, tonight,
We just might
Have one chance to get it right:
Now Jaina’s got to find a way
To broker peace before the fray:
Will cooler heads carry the day?
Tonight, tonight,
Our future could be bright –
I’ve got to stop it tonight!

DELIANA:

Tonight, tonight,
When our two leaders fight,
That Malkorok may have something planned.

MOKVAR and DELIANA:

Tonight
The past may come back calling,
The future that we’re stalling,

MOKVAR:

And now, within my sight,

DELIANA:

And now, out of my sight,

MOKVAR and DELIANA:

There’s such a fright
That what we’ve done is coming to light…

ALL:

Tonight.

Blackout.  From either side of the stage, the Horde and Alliance enter the Battlescar in the Southern Barrens.  Both groups spread out over their respective sides of the field, then Garrosh and Varian approach each other at center stage, accompanied by Malkorok and Mathias Shaw.

VARIAN:  Warchief.

GARROSH:  Dickface.

VARIAN:  You’re a classy guy, Hellscream, anyone ever tell you that?

GARROSH:  I can have them put that on your gravestone if you want.

VARIAN:  Are you ready?

GARROSH:  To finally put you in the ground?  I’ve been ready for that for years.

Varian draws Shalamayne and extends it in front of him.

VARIAN:  Your blade?

GARROSH:  What about it?

SHAW:  If you would let us inspect it for doctoring.

GARROSH:  What the hell are you implying?

VARIAN:  We’re not implying anything.  It’s just customary to examine each other’s weapons so we can see no one is—

MALKOROK:  The two-legged rodent is suggesting you would poison your blade, Warchief.  For that alone this mongrel will—

GARROSH:  You DARE insinuate I would cheat, human?

VARIAN:  Obviously, Garrosh, you would never employ questionable methods when faced with honorable combat.  Nevertheless.

Varian gestures with Shalamayne.  Garrosh grumbles, then begrudgingly draws Gorehowl and holds it in front of him.

SHAW:  Thank you, Warchief.

VARIAN:  Now then.

GARROSH:  Have your people stand back, Varian.  This is between you and me.

VARIAN:  You do the same.

Garrosh waves to the Horde group, which steps back and spreads in a semicircle from the side of the stage to the background.  Varian signals to the Alliance members, who mirror the Horde’s movements.

MALKOROK:  Now – begin!

Garrosh and Varian rush at each other and begin to fight as furious music swells.  They lunge and parry, circle around the middle of the stage, and match each other’s moves in rhythm with the music.  As the duel unfolds, the spectators begin to shout and cheer for their respective leader, until the cacophonous yells begin to blend into a rhythmic chanting that becomes a counterpoint to the music.

Several times over the course of the fight, Garrosh and Varian lock weapons until one of them shoves the other back toward one side of the stage.  Each time, they circle around then resume their clash at center stage.

Slowly, in the background, Malkorok begins to make his way closer to the Alliance side of the circle.  From under his cloak, he withdraws a long dagger, shining with a sickly green gleam.

Mokvar enters at the edge of the stage.  As he arrives, Garrosh and Varian lock blades and rotate around as each tries to outmuscle the other.  Garrosh finally gains the upper hand and flings Varian back toward the Alliance side.  Malkorok moves toward him from behind, dagger in hand.

MOKVAR:  No!  Look out!

Mokvar runs to center stage and tackles Varian to the ground, in the process knocking him out of the way of Malkorok’s stab.

FALSTAD:  They’re attackin’ His Majesty!

SHAW:  That one had a dagger!

MALKOROK:  <recovering himself>  That treasonous scribe!  He’s helping the human!

SHANDRIS:  They were never going to honor the duel!

GARROSH:  Mokvar!  You!  If I didn’t see it with my own eyes…!

The two sides rush at each other and begin fighting, largely in the background.  At center stage, Garrosh dodges a few Alliance swings, then grabs Mokvar and holds him by his neck while drawing Gorehowl back.

GARROSH:  You…traitorous…!

As Garrosh prepares to swing, Varian grabs him from behind – jarring Garrosh enough to make him lose his grip on Mokvar – and plunges Shalamayne through his back and out of his chest.

GARROSH:  <looking down at the blade>  Oh for fuck’s sake…AGAIN?

MOKVAR:  Oh…oh crap…

GARROSH:  Also, how come this doesn’t actually hurt?  I mean I know I’m badass and all, but…

BARNES:  <from offstage>  It’s just a glamour, you silly actor – special effects can’t really hurt you.

GARROSH:  I…  <looking around>  Oh…

BARNES:  Now stop breaking the fourth wall and get back to your scene!

GARROSH:  Aren’t YOU the one—

BARNESAction!

GARROSH:  <sighs>  Fine.  <flatly>  Oh I am slain.  Oh agony.  Now I shrug off this mortal coil, it is to laugh, the end.  And shit.

Garrosh drops to the ground, where he lays mostly still while making a half-hearted attempt to play dead.  Around him the fighting rages on between the Horde and Alliance.

LIADRIN:  Garrosh!

DONTRAG:  He killed the Warchief!

UTVOCH:  You bastard!

VARIAN:  Victory!  Hellscream has fallen!  For the Alli—

Garona unstealths behind Varian and stunlocks him, then unleashes a flurry of blows until he drops to the ground.

GARONA:  House of Wrynn!  Two generations running!  Tell Anduin to sleep lightly!  Booyah!

Garona stealths again.  The two sides continue to battle frantically.

MALKOROK:  Now!  With Wrynn slain!  Now, shamans, show the dogs the first of our surprises!

A handful of dark-clad shaman emerge from the Horde group and begin channeling spells.  Several of the surrounding boulders begin to glow, then rise up as molten giants and begin to attack the Alliance.

Jaina enters.

JAINA:  By the Light!  What’s happening here?!

FALSTAD:  The devils ’a broken the agreement!

SHAW:  They’ve killed Varian!

The molten giants stomp on several Alliance soldiers and send the group scattering.

JAINA:  We have to get out of here!  Everyone to me!

The Alliance rush to Jaina, who teleports them away.  The shaman stop channeling their spells, and the molten giants collapse back into boulders.

MALKOROK:  Horde!  The Alliance flees, but they will not escape!  Quickly, to Brackenwall Village!  We will regroup and bring the fight to them!  For the Horde!

The Horde exits, leaving the stage empty save for the bodies of Garrosh and Varian.  The stage lights lower, save for dim lights still illuminating the bodies.

GARROSH:  Well that sucked.

VARIAN:  Yeah, it kind of did.

GARROSH:  Yeah.

VARIAN:  Still, though…

GARROSH:  What?

VARIAN:  For the record, I got you.

GARROSH:  Fuck you, Varian.

Blackout.  In a Theramore tower, Deliana paces the room.

Jaina enters.

DELIANA:  Jaina!  What happened?

JAINA:  <sighs>  Varian is dead.

DELIANA:  What?!  How?  You mean now we have to…?

JAINA:  It’s not that simple.  Varian is dead, but so is Garrosh.  I’m still not sure how it all happened – by the time I got there, things had already—

A knock at the door is heard.

JONATHAN:  <outside>  Lady Proudmoore!

JAINA:  Come in, General.

The door opens and General Marcus Jonathan enters, along with Jaina’s night elf bodyguard Pained; the pair holds Mokvar captive.

JONATHAN:  Lady Proudmoore, this orc was found lurking outside the city.  He didn’t resist capture, but he did insist on speaking with you.

DELIANA:  Mokvar!

JAINA:  You know him, Deliana?

PAINED:  You should be more selective in your friends.  Shandris says this is one of the orcs that helped kill Varian.

DELIANA:  He what?

MOKVAR:  That’s…not entirely accurate.

JONATHAN:  That’s enough from you, orc.

DELIANA:  There has to have been some mistake.

JONATHAN:  There were several, starting with the decision to trust these green-skinned—

JAINA:  That’s enough, General.  You can leave us.  I’d like to have a few words with the prisoner.

JONATHAN:  As you wish.

JAINA:  You too, Pained.  Please wait outside.

PAINED:  With all due respect, my lady, my place is—

JAINA:  Is where I tell you to go, Pained.  I can take care of myself.

PAINED:  Yes, ma’am.

Jonathan and Pained exit.  Jaina turns to Deliana.

JAINA:  How long have you known him?

DELIANA:  We go back quite a few years.

JAINA:  You trust him?

DELIANA:  I’ve spent the last six years hiding in Ironforge for safety.  I think he did more to protect me from Orgrimmar in that time than any of the dwarves ever did.

JAINA:  <turns to Mokvar>  They say you attacked Varian.  Here’s your chance to explain.

MOKVAR:  I jumped him.  That much is true.  But I wasn’t attacking him.  I was trying to push him out of the way of the one who was.

JAINA:  Who, Garrosh?  Why would you try to swing the duel against the Horde?

MOKVAR:  No, not Garrosh.  If it was just him and Varian, I would have stayed out of it.  It was Malkorok.  He was about to stab Varian from behind.

DELIANA:  Malkorok… Of course it was Malkorok.

MOKVAR:  It ended up backfiring.  Both sides thought I was working against them, and in the chaos, Garrosh was killed.  And by that point I don’t think anyone was interested in honoring the terms of the duel.

JAINA:  I don’t even know how many on our side will be willing to listen to reason now.

DELIANA:  Jaina, can’t you rein them in?  You’d have to be one of the highest ranking people left.

JAINA:  I can try, but I don’t know how much good it will do.  With Anduin still a boy, there’s no clear line of succession, so right now I’m merely one in a sea of voices.

MOKVAR:  The Horde is having its own problems with succession, only worse.  It looks like Malkorok is effectively taking over.

DELIANA:  Oh no…

JAINA:  Who is this Malkorok?

MOKVAR:  A Blackrock orc who used to work for Rend Blackhand.  At least he gave the appearance of it.  I don’t think he ever really served anyone or anything other than his own agenda.

JAINA:  I take it having him leading the Horde would be bad news for all involved.

MOKVAR:  Let’s put it this way.  I know Garrosh was no bargain.  But this guy?  Malkorok would make Garrosh look like Thrall.

JAINA:  Do you think there are others in the Horde who will still resist him?

MOKVAR:  I know there are others who won’t be thrilled to have him in charge.  The only question is whether Malkorok’s managed to scare them into submission.

JAINA:  Then you need to go do what you can while there are some who’ll still listen.  And if not…

Jaina reaches into a pocket and produces a small, smooth stone with totemic markings, then slips it into Mokvar’s hand.

…I think you know what this is for.

Mokvar nods.  Jaina starts to channel a spell, and a portal appears in the room.

Go now – hurry.

MOKVAR:  What will you tell the others?

JAINA:  You let me worry about that.

DELIANA:  Stay safe, Mokvar.

MOKVAR:  I think “safe” is long off the board for all of us.  But it’s partly our fault this is happening.

DELIANA:  I know.  Be careful.

MOKVAR:  Always am.

Mokvar disappears through the portal.

Blackout.  In Brackenwall Village, the Horde group arrives, met by Krog and Draz’Zilb.

KROG:  Malkorok?  What are you all doing here?

MALKOROK:  The human king is slain – but not without a cost!  The dogs turned on us with aid from one of our own, and murdered the Warchief!

KROG:  They what?  Garrosh is dead?

MALKOROK:  He is…but we will ensure that he soon finds himself in good company.

FARANELL:  Wait, didn’t we have an agreement with the Alliance that the duel would decide control of Kalimdor?  And, well, Varian did kill Garrosh before—

Malkorok steps up to Faranell quickly and knocks him down with a vicious blow.

MALKOROK:  Unless you wish to lose more pieces of that rotting corpse you call a body, mage, I recommend you choose your words carefully.

Malkorok glares around as some of the group exchange looks in uneasy silence.

UTVOCH:  I can’t believe the Warchief died…

DONTRAG:  What are we doing now?

DRAZ’ZILB:  Surely we can’t let the Warchief’s death go unanswered!

MALKOROK:  Nor will we!  Listen to me, soldiers of the Horde!  I had little doubt the Alliance pigs would show their true colors in this affair, but we will see to it that they pay for their treachery!

Mokvar enters.

Oh, and speaking of treachery!  Here’s the dog who turned on his own Warchief to lend aid to the human!  Seize him!

Mokvar is apprehended by a pair of Kor’kron and brought closer to the group.

MOKVAR:  It’s funny how selective your memory is, Malkorok.  I’m a traitor for helping Varian, but you’re awfully quick to gloss over what I was helping him against – we both know it wasn’t Garrosh.

MALKOROK:  You think I hide my role, scribe?  Hardly – I take pride in it!  I came to the aid of my Warchief; you came to the aid of his mortal enemy.  Tell me again which of us here should hang his head!

LIADRIN:  Wait, you were interfering with the fight?  It was supposed to be honorable combat!

MALKOROK:  You will be silent, elf!

Malkorok steps toward Liadrin and throws a punch at her; she deflects it with a paladin bubble, then stuns Malkorok with a Hammer of Justice.

LIADRIN:  Now now, didn’t your mother teach you not to hit a lady?  She would be ashamed.

MALKOROK:  <seething as he collects himself>  She taught me to crush my foes.

LIADRIN:  Then she would be doubly ashamed if the lady in question were to beat you down.

MOKVARThat’s why I jumped in – to keep him from ambushing Varian and—

MALKOROK:  And slaying the leader of our enemy!  Are you fool enough to think you serve our Warchief by saving his nemesis?

MOKVAR:  Garrosh Hellscream had many failings, but he believed in honor.  At least until he started having his steps shadowed by the likes of you.

MALKOROK:  In battle, nothing is more honorable than victory.

MOKVAR:  Funny, I can think of at least one victory Garrosh would have gladly given back…

MALKOROK:  Keep spinning your words, scribe – it’s what a coward like you does, isn’t it?

Malkorok turns to the rest of the group.

The rest of you – what I am calling for is not words.  Your fallen Warchief did not spend his days dawdling over words.  He sought action.  For the safety of the Horde!  For the glory of the Horde!  So let this scribe lull you into submission with his words – I call on you to act!  To avenge your leader!  To finally strike the human disease that has too long infected this continent.  Will you join me?  Or will you sit here, and bandy about words, and wring your hands over niceties – until the Alliance again show themselves for what they are, and again come to enslave our people, and again leave the ground stained with orcish blood?

Many of the Horde troops, including most of the Kor’kron, start to shout in support.

Good!  That is the Horde I know!  Now, all of you!  Follow me, and we will show the Alliance what becomes of those who draw our wrath!  To Theramore!  More surprises await the humans…

DRAZ’ZILB:  None greater than how quickly they’ll fall before us!

KROG:  Hell yeah, we’ll roll over the humans so fast they won’t even know what hit them!

MALKOROK:  Oh no, soldiers, not quickly – quick is painless.  And these humans must be made to suffer for their crimes against our people!

DRAZ’ZILBNow you’re talking my language!

DONTRAG:  <aside>  Does this seem a little strange to you?

UTVOCH:  <aside>  All I know is they killed the Warchief… I guess it makes sense to go after them…

MALKOROK:  Every pain these humans have brought to us will be repaid tenfold tonight!  You want to avenge your Warchief?  Then leave your pity and your mercy here – bring only your rage and your cruelty!

 

{CRUEL}

MALKOROK:

Horde, Horde, angry Horde,
Get cruel, Horde!
Vow again, gents, for your vengeance,
Get cruelly cruel, Horde!
Don’t relent, ’cause we have spent
Too long holding back.
Set in mind that humankind
Is overdue for some cruel payback.

Horde, Horde, vengeful Horde!
Stay fierce, Horde!
From the skies comes their demise,
Bring them to tears, Horde!
Fight, Horde, fight,
Each human we’ll smite, each fool floored.
Unleash, be cruel, Horde,
Real cruel.

Mokvar, Liadrin, and Faranell watch the rest of the group march off behind Malkorok.

LIADRIN:  I can’t believe I’m saying it, but I think I’m actually glad Garrosh didn’t live to see this…

MOKVAR:  Yeah…

Mokvar tries to take a step, but is restrained by the two Kor’kron who’ve remained behind, and are still holding him.

<looking back and forth between the Kor’kron>  Huh.

One of the Kor’kron slumps over, sapped.

KOR’KRON #2:  What the—?

The other Kor’kron turns into a sheep in a puff of smoke.

FARANELL:  That’s better.

Garona unstealths behind the sapped guard.

GARONA:  You really have a way with people, Mokvar.

MOKVAR:  I know, right?  Still…thanks for sticking with me.  All of you.

LIADRIN:  I think we’re about to be outcasts among the outcasts.

FARANELL:  Eh.  You get used to it.

MOKVAR:  I was hoping there would be more who would listen…

LIADRIN:  Right now they don’t know what to think.  So most of them aren’t.

FARANELL:  And the rest of them are Dontrag and Utvoch.  So, you know…

GARONA:  What was that business about the surprise for Theramore?

LIADRIN:  I don’t know, but…wait…that part about it coming from the skies…

FARANELL:  What are you thinking?

LIADRIN:  <looks up>  There’s been a goblin sky galleon circling around the western Barrens all night…

FARANELL:  Sending troops in by parachute?

GARONA:  He would send a gunship for that.  A galleon isn’t designed for troop deployment, just…payload.

LIADRIN:  I think he’s planning to use a bomb…

MOKVAR:  Jaina’s trying to calm the Alliance down and get them to listen to reason, but that’s off the board if Malkorok escalates things even more.

FARANELL:  Remember when this cunning plan was going to spare us a big, messy, drawn-out war?

MOKVAR:  I’m hoping we can still limit the damage…

LIADRIN:  What do you have in mind?

MOKVAR:  For starters – Garona, can you stealth into Theramore?  We need you to warn them about what Malkorok’s doing.

GARONA:  Wait, you want to warn the Alliance that a Horde attack is coming?

LIADRIN:  To keep all of this from getting any further out of hand than it already is.

MOKVAR:  And to let them see that not all of the Horde has gone crazy.

GARONA:  Ugh, fine.  I’ll get in and try to warn them.

LIADRIN:  What about Edwin and I?  What do you want us to do?

MOKVAR:  Run.

LIADRIN:  What?

FARANELL:  I can handle that.

MOKVAR:  Get back to the Eastern Kingdoms.

LIADRIN:  Why?  We should do something to help here.

FARANELL:  Don’t argue with the man.  Not-here sounds terrific.

MOKVAR:  Look, there’s no telling how much uglier this is going to get for us.  If things really go bad in Kalimdor, we need some good people still standing over on the other continent.

LIADRIN:  There’s still Sylvanas and Lor’themar to run things there.

MOKVAR:  You mean Miss “When in Doubt, Throw More Plague on It”—

FARANELL:  You do realize who she has in charge of making all the plague, right?

MOKVAR:  —and Mr. “Does Anyone Actually Know Who I Am, and By the Way Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat”?

LIADRIN:  Seriously, why does no one ever remember who Lor’themar is?

GARONA:  Who?

LIADRIN:  <sigh>

MOKVAR:  Liadrin, really, I know you want to help, but right now the best way for you to do that is by getting somewhere safe.

LIADRIN:  What are you going to do?

MOKVAR:  <taking out the stone he’d received from Jaina>  I’ve got one more card to try playing.

LIADRIN:  Whatever it is, good luck.

MOKVAR:  To all of us.

Garona stealths and sneaks off; Faranell teleports himself and Liadrin away.  Mokvar holds out the stone, channels a spell for several seconds, then disappears in a green flash.

Blackout.  In Theramore, Jaina joins Deliana in the tower above.

JAINA:  You haven’t moved since Mokvar left.

DELIANA:  <shrugs>  As long as I keep looking and not seeing anything, then nothing else is coming apart.

JAINA:  Hopefully he’ll be able to convince them.

DELIANA:  Hopefully.  Thank you for being willing to listen to him.

JAINA:  I’ve been rumored to know what it’s like to trust an orc when it’s not a terribly popular thing to do.

Rhonin enters.  As he does, stagelights illuminate the Theramore courtyard below, where Garona unstealths.  The scene below unfolds as the conversation in the tower continues: Garona is immediately attacked by Pained, Shaw, and a few of the Theramore guards; she attempts to fend off their attacks without actively striking anyone, while trying to talk, but to no avail; eventually more Alliance troops mob her, beating her viciously.

JAINA:  Rhonin – any luck calming them down?

RHONIN:  <shaking head>  No more than you’ve had so far.  This entire turn of events is proof of why both sides should have listened when we tried to start peace talks.

JAINA:  I don’t think listening was ever the strong suit of either of the leaders involved.

RHONIN:  Still, I’m hopeful that given a chance to calm down, they’ll eventually be willing to reconsider.

JAINA:  The question is whether they’ll give themselves that chance to calm down.

RHONIN:  You think they might do something rash?

JAINA:  If they don’t, the Horde might.  Either way, we all lose.

Falstad and Jonathan drag a bloodied Garona up to the tower and enter, followed closely by Pained and Shaw.

JONATHAN:  Lady Proudmoore, we have another Horde captive!

JAINA:  What…what did you do to her?

SHAW:  Nothing these orcs don’t deserve.

FALSTAD:  Aye, the troops made sure this one’d be takin’ some partin’ gifts, if’n she escapes…

JAINA:  This… Is this what it’s come to now?  Is this what we’ve reduced ourselves to?

PAINED:  We didn’t start this war, my lady.

GARONA:  <halting>  No…but Malkorok…is coming…coming to finish it.

JAINA:  Malkorok!  He’s still in charge?  Mokvar couldn’t stop him?

GARONA:  He…he tried… And then he…he sent me to…to warn you…to…  <looks around disgustedly>  …to save you…

JAINA:  Warn us about what?  What is Malkorok doing?

SHAW:  <shoving Garona>  Answer her, orc!

JAINALet her!

GARONA:  Malkorok…Malkorok is bringing the Horde to…to attack Theramore…and…  <spits out blood, then looks around again angrily>  He’s throwing the whole force at the north gate…

PAINED:  We can pull everyone into the keep and fortify it, my lady – they’ll never get past the walls without siege engines.

SHAW:  Still, I’d recommend sending out an advance force to intercept, maybe thin out their numbers before they can get here.

JAINA:  See to that, Mathias.  While you go out to meet them, we’ll make sure the city is sealed up tightly.  General Jonathan?

JONATHAN:  Yes, Lady Proudmoore?

JAINA:  I want you, General Redmane, and Admiral Aubrey coordinating the defenses here.  I’ll speak to Rhonin about setting up some spells to reinforce the outer gates.

JONATHAN:  Yes, ma’am.  I’ll relay your orders.

Jonathan runs out.  As he releases his grip on Garona, she jerks to one side and pulls free of Falstad’s grip, then stealths.

FALSTAD:  Dammit!  Where’d tha’ one go?

PAINED:  We’re having a very bad day with prisoners today…

JAINA:  Never mind that – everyone get to work preparing for the attack.

The other officers exit.

I’d hoped it wouldn’t come to this…

DELIANA:  I think I see them coming…

JAINA:  <sighs>  I’d better get down there, then…

Jaina exits; Deliana continues watching from the window.

Blackout.  In Dustwallow Marsh, near Theramore, Malkorok enters with the rest of the Horde force, stage left.  From stage right, an Alliance group enters, led by Falstad, Shandris, and Shaw.

SHANDRIS:  There they are!  Stop them!  For the Alliance!

The Alliance rushes at the Horde and the two sides begin fighting.  Malkorok stands back, surveying the battle and watching the sky.  As the fighting rages on, he fires a flare into the sky; after a moment, a blinding burst of light flashes from offstage to the right, as an enormous explosion is heard.  The blast throws several of the Alliance on the right side of the stage a good distance to the left, and many of them sprawl on the ground unconscious.

MALKOROK:  HAHA!  There!  It is done!  See what becomes of the enemies of the Horde, Alliance dogs!  Now, quickly, finish them all, and—

MOKVAR:  <offstage>  Not so fast!

Mokvar enters in ghost wolf form from stage left, closely followed by Vol’jin mounted on a raptor and Baine Bloodhoof on a kodo.

VOL’JIN:  Yah, mon, dere been enough killin’ already taday!

MALKOROK:  You!  I see the traitor has made friends among the malcontents!  No matter, troll, you can watch and learn how—

BAINE:  We will watch nothing other than you standing down!

MALKOROK:  Stand down!  Do you think yourself Warchief now, tauren?  Is that an order?

BAINE:  No, Malkorok, I know I’m not Warchief.  <stares Malkorok down a moment>  And yes, that’s an order.

From stage right, Jaina staggers in unsteadily.

Lady Proudmoore!

SHANDRIS:  <pulling herself up slowly>  Jaina…you…you survived…!

JAINA:  Rhonin…Rhonin ported me out of the city at the last second… But he…he…

MOKVAR:  <looking offstage to the right>  Liana…?

JAINA:  <looking back>  My…my city…my people… They’re…they’re…

MALKOROK:  Enough of this!  Soldiers of the Horde, this is our moment – strike down your enemies once and for all, and—

BAINE:  They will do nothing of the kind, Malkorok!

VOL’JIN:  You be done givin’ orders, mon!

MALKOROK:  And who will, troll?  You?  You think you have any authority to take over here?

VOL’JIN:  Funny ting you be askin’, mon.

Another ghost wolf enters behind Vol’jin, Baine, and Mokvar.

I ain’t da one who be takin’ over.

The ghost wolf moves to center stage and transforms into Thrall.

THRALL:  I believe you’ve done more than enough today, Malkorok.

MALKOROK:  So the prodigal shaman returns!  No matter!

Malkorok draws his axes and rushes at Thrall.  Before he can reach him, Thrall extends one hand and summons a whirlwind that holds Malkorok suspended above the ground.

THRALL:  I’ve faced far more imposing threats than you.  More menacing and chilling than the likes of you could even imagine.

MALKOROK:  <struggling to break out of the whirlwind>  Yes, I know all about your battle with Deathwing, shaman…

THRALL:  I was talking about Aggra with morning sickness.

Jaina finally pulls her attention away from the ruined city and approaches center stage, looking around angrily.

JAINA:  I tried to tell you… And Rhonin… You did this…all of you…did this with your hate…  <starts to build a fireball in her hand>  Well now I have some hate of my own…

THRALL:  Jaina, no!

JAINA:  Don’t try to defend him, Thrall!  You see what he did here!

THRALL:  <glares over to Malkorok, still suspended>  I could care less what happens to this…this.  But the rest of my people have done nothing.

Jaina continues gathering the fireball in her hand as she eyes Malkorok.  In the background, Dontrag and Utvoch can be seen helping Falstad and Shaw to their feet.

JAINA:  Get them out of here.

SHAW:  But Jaina, they—

JAINAToday isn’t the day for anyone to argue with me.  Get them together and get them away from here, Go’el.

Thrall nods, then gestures to Vol’jin and Baine.

BAINE:  All of you, come and come quickly.

VOL’JIN:  Time ta make ourselves invisible like da Lich King’s horse!

BAINE:  You really need a new joke.  Seriously.

The Horde slowly makes its way offstage to the left; Baine and Vol’jin follow them.  Mokvar finally pulls himself away from the sight of Theramore and slowly walks across the stage, stopping to stare a moment at Malkorok as he goes, then exits as well.  Jaina’s gaze never moves from Malkorok.

JAINA:  We’ve all lost a great deal to this conflict…  <looks back over her shoulder>  All of you…leave us.

The Alliance members trickle out; Shaw is the last one to linger at the edge of the stage.

SHAW:  Um, actually, strictly speaking, there isn’t anyplace for us to go to anymo—

JAINAGet OUT, Mathias.

SHAW:  Random swamp wandering it is, yes ma’am.

Shaw exits.

JAINA:  You should go too, Thrall.

THRALL:  I suspect there are more than a few pieces to pick up back in Orgrimmar.

JAINA:  You should go help pick them up, then.

THRALL:  I’m sorry for your people, Jaina.

JAINA:  A lot of us are sorry.  Or will be.

Thrall releases Malkorok and starts to walk away.

MALKOROK:  The great Warchief!  That’s it, is it?  You side with this human over your own kind!

THRALL:  <continuing to walk away without looking back>  You are not my kind, Malkorok.

Thrall exits.

MALKOROK:  Don’t you walk away from me when I’m—

Malkorok starts to move toward Thrall but is stopped when Jaina unleashes her fireball on the ground in front of him, cutting off his path with a wide patch of flame.

JAINA:  Malkorok, is it?  I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced.  I’m Jaina Proudmoore.  <summons another fireball in her hand>  I think it’s time we had a long, long – terribly long, really, and maybe unnecessarily slow – talk.

The curtain closes.  Just as it does, a bright red flash can be seen through the heavy cloth, accompanied by an orcish voice crying out.  The remaining stage lights go out.

Back to the drawing board

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , on May 25, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

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The attack on Theramore is on hold.

I’m still fuming over…hell, what am I NOT fuming over right now?  Yesterday when I finished my debriefing with Draz’Zilb over the Grimtotem messenger, I just stormed back in here to the war room and threw that model of Theramore the Gob Squad had made into the wall – bounced it right off the pin-covered strategic map we’d drawn up of Dustwallow – smashed it to a hundred pieces…

Any now I get to spend my time thinking about what I was about to do, if I hadn’t been stopped by absolutely NOTHING other than sheer dumb luck.

Let me be clear about something (you know, before I get another talking to from ACC): I don’t suddenly have qualms about attacking the humans, or hitting Theramore if it makes sense strategically.  But the last several days I got myself so wound up in a fury I was about to go rushing into a thrown-together attack, and more importantly, it wasn’t just the attack itself.  It was how I was going about it.  Specifically, Draz’Zilb’s corruption idea.  That wasn’t just a military strike – assuming the spell worked the way it’s supposed to, that would be wiping out EVERY LIVING THING from the point of deployment spreading and spreading until it had physically run out of things to kill.

I’ve got no problem with fighting a war.  But now that I’m seeing straight, I’ll be damned if I’m going to become a war criminal.  I’m not going to fight the humans by becoming them.

And in this case…after that baiting by Magatha…

That’s twice now she almost turned me into a monster.

So Theramore is going on the shelf.  For now.  At least until we’ve had a chance to work out an actual military plan that doesn’t involve necromantic weapons of genocide, and I’m not letting my temper make my decisions for me.  The Dustwallow map is staying where it is until then, as a reminder…

In the meantime, though, I still have a few things I need to do – starting with informing Draz’Zilb his little pet project is canceled – and some pieces I still need to pick up.

More soon.

Failed retraction

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 24, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

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You know, they say you’re not supposed to kill the messenger, but in this case I just couldn’t help myself.  So that was that for Grimtotem #1.  As for Grimtotem #2, the one we found lurking around the Dranosh’ar Blockade, I still wanted some answers about what HIS deal was, so I handed him over to our old friend Draz’Zilb and told him to work his magic (literally).  Here’s what he dug up.

Both of these Grimtotem were among a small portion of the tribe still loyal to Magatha.  Ever since her business with the Twilights, most of her people got pretty chilly with her, at the least, but she still has a handful of supporters.  These were two.

The original messenger was sent with Magatha’s letter several days ago.  The whole point – obviously – was to give me a few days after…well, you know…to give me time to stew and suffer and really sit down for a big serving of my own liver, and then slap me with the truth to rub salt in the wound.  Apparently, though, after the messenger was sent out, Magatha somehow caught wind of what we have brewing for the humans – Draz’Zilb’s uber-corruption and Sylvanas’ plague and the attack on Theramore and I’m thinking maybe I should stop announcing this stuff on the internet.  Anyway.  So she decided it would be better to hold off on telling me the truth until AFTER I’d opened all those cans of worms.  Why not get me going taking my vengeance on the humans, THEN hit me with the revelation that I was avenging myself on the wrong people?  In Magatha-World, that’s just getting the best return on your investment.

So, that’s when she sent Grimtotem #2 to try to intercept Grimtotem #1, to try to prevent that letter from being delivered just yet.  It was just pure dumb luck that we got it before that could happen.

That’s us.  Just swimming in good luck.

I am become death

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 21, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

If you’ve been paying attention lately, you might have noticed I’ve been having a lot of contact with some of our people down in Brackenwall Village – Krog about the goings-on in Stonetalon, Draz’Zilb about his potential uber-corruption spell.  It hasn’t been a coincidence.

No surprise to anyone that I’ve been on a pretty steady boil ever since I realized that Varian and Jaina were in the guild and must have heard me talking about where I was going with my mother last week.  I don’t know why I should be shocked by anything these humans do at this point.  Thing is, though, Varian I can at least see.  I mean, make no mistake, I hate that motherfucker, but at least it makes sense for him to have it in for me as well, and he’s not one to make any pretenses about it.  We’ve had bad blood going back to the Violet Citadel, probably further, not to mention he’s a hateful dimwitted warmongering orc-hating bigot, so of course he would grab any opportunity to strike at me.  And if an innocent has to die in the process, all the better.  It’s Varian.  I get it.

But Jaina?  THAT sticks in my craw.  Let’s even set aside all the joking around and clowning I do on her and all the cracks about her being a slut which granted they’re totally true but not really germane to the conversation right now.  But this is the woman who tried to play herself off as Little Miss Peacemaker.  Always playing the diplomat, coming off like she’s the level-headed human willing to yank Varian back when he’s being an asshole (which, admittedly, probably kept her pretty busy).  Always hiding behind her incomprehensible friendship with Thrall, like that made her better and nobler than the rest of her kind.  Like she just wants to be our friend too.

And she was a part of this.  Even if she wasn’t taking action herself, she knew.  She was there.  And all the while she probably kept on wearing her “Oh dear me, why can’t we all work together?” fake smile.

So guess what our first target is going to be.

I’ve been meeting with General Nazgrim to work out the logistics for our first strike on Theramore.  We’re planning two waves.  The first will be a ground strike launched out of Brackenwall, hitting the main gate of the city with several infantry detachments with artillery support.  That initial wave will serve two purposes: one, to break down the city’s outer defenses and allow our troops to make their way inside, and two, to keep Theramore’s defenses focused on the main gate, while the second wave comes in by sea and hits the harbor.

The second wave will be the key one, and deceptively small.  We’ll be bringing quite a few ships, but very few troops aside from the actual crews necessary to navigate the vessels.  The real purpose of the naval strike will be to hit the harbor, land, and get a single squadron to deliver the real centerpiece of the attack: Draz’Zilb, bearer of the new experimental chain corruption spell.

Remember how I mentioned Draz’Zilb’s spell sounded promising, but needed to be tested until controlled conditions?  Well Theramore is going to be our field test.  Our troops are going to get Draz’Zilb into the city long enough for him to find a decent-size cluster of humans, cast the spell, and then get back to the harbor while the chain reaction begins.  Once the spell is deployed, our incursion group will fire off a signal to let all our troops know it’s underway.  At that point, EVERYONE will head to the ships – the ground troops near the front gate can be making their way around the outer walls toward the shore – and then get out of there by sea.  Hence bringing so many ships when we didn’t have that many troops in the naval group.

It works out perfectly, really.  Theramore makes the ideal test target: a solitary human colony, densely populated but easy enough to isolate.  As much as Dustwallow Marsh is swarming with life, it’s mostly spiders, crocolisks…nothing that isn’t expendable.  Black dragonkin, the last leftovers of Onyxia’s brood?  Good riddance.  Yeah, a couple Grimtotem settlements, but do you think I’m going to shed any tears over them?  The whole marsh is separated from the rest of Kalimdor by mountains and sea, perfectly enclosed.  No spreading of the chain corruption beyond that one zone, however it plays out.

I love when things work out neatly like that.

Nazgrim and I are getting the last details sorted out.  I even got a couple of the goblins from the Gob Squad to come in and put together a scale model of Theramore and its environs for us here in the war room, to help plan out troop and ship placement.

The only small wrinkle is the ogres in Brackenwall, seeing as we don’t want to end up wiping them all out with the corruption.  Would be kind of rude, what with it being Draz’Zilb’s spell and all.  So I’m having most of the ogre population – the ones who won’t be going on the actual attack – relocated temporarily to Alcaz Island.  They’ll be safely isolated there until everything blows over, plus we can even use the island as a staging ground for the naval strike.

Preparations are already underway.  I’ve had the ogres moving in small numbers for the last couple of days, so we can do it gradually enough not to draw attention.  A couple more days and they should be safely situated on the island, and then we’ll be ready to start.  And if things go according to plan, pretty soon Sylvanas’ plague will have some competition over on the other continent.

 

 

[Header image provided by Rioriel from Postcards From Azeroth, reproduced here with permission and many thanks.  Click here to see the souped-up Postcard version!]

Seed of corruption

Posted in General with tags , , , , , on May 19, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

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I mentioned the other day that I’ve been talking to Draz’Zilb down in Brackenwall Village.  Granted, he can be creepy as hell sometimes, but dude knows how to get shit done, and he can be pretty damn handy as times as long as you don’t have to stay in the same room as him for too long.  I think this is one of those times.  He has something he’s been working on that might turn out to be pretty useful right now.

Odds are, most of you have heard of this spell that warlocks use called Seed of Corruption.  Basically it seeds a target with a kind of shadow detonation that hurts the original target and anyone else that’s nearby.  Warlocks that are really on top of their game can even cast the spell with an extra wrinkle, so that all those nearby targets caught in the detonation are afflicted with extra shadow damage that rots away at them over time.

Draz’Zilb tells me he’s worked up a way to take this to the nth degree.  He believes he’s augmented the spell so that after that initial detonation, those surrounding targets that are afflicted with the additional ticking corruption?  Well, after it finishes ticking, THEY detonate too.  So, bonus A, the damage from that additional detonation, combined with the initial kaboom and the ticking corruption, would be enough to kill anybody short of a no-kidding-around badass.  And more important, bonus B, it creates a potentially unlimited chain.

Think of it: Victim #1 takes the initial seed and goes boom, and the initial burst of damage also hits nearby Victims #2, 3, and 4.  Victims #2-4 get whittled down by the additional ticking corruption, then THEY all detonate as well with a second shadow burst.  And now…THAT explosion hits nearby Victims #5, 6, 7, 8, and 9.  Who also get afflicted with corruption and take a time-bomb seed of their own.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Keep repeating until there’s no one else around to spread the corruption chain to.

Obviously, if you don’t mind waiting a little, this makes for a potentially awesome one-step method for wiping out groups of enemies on a massive scale.  I’m looking right at you, Stormwind.

That’s assuming it works, of course.  First we have to test it out to make sure Draz’Zilb is right.  So we need to give it a test run in a somewhat controlled setting.  Then, it’s game on.

Lifetime piling up

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

I killed her.  Me and my big mouth.

Not literally.  But I might as well have.  It was enough that she died because I left myself vulnerable when Grebo attacked.  But Grebo just BEING there was my fault.

I had to go yammering on in guild chat about where I was going with her.  Not even thinking about who might be there listening in.  How many times do I have to run into people pretending to be something they’re not on the internet before I get it through my thick skull?  And so, there they were, Varian Wrynn and Jaina Proudmoore, right there in my own guild, soaking it all in.  I might as well have sent them fucking invitations and enclosed a poisoned blade.  And lo and behold, a pack of humans turn up out of nowhere.

It’s the only thing that makes sense.  That’s the only time I talked to anyone about where we were going, other than my mother herself and a few of the guards we passed leaving Orgrimmar and traveling through Ashenvale.

I know what you’re thinking – how to account for Grebo.  He’s still an orc, right?  So why would he be working with humans if that’s who’s behind this?  And see, that’s where you’re just looking at the surface.  Grebo WAS an orc.  That thing that attacked me in Demon Fall Canyon?  That was Grebo’s reanimated corpse.  I’ve been talking to Draz’Zilb out of Brackenwall Village – he’s no stranger to necromancy, and he tells me that when someone is resurrected, there’s a whole range of possibilities as far as how much of the actual person is still there.  Maybe it’s the entire being come back whole.  Maybe it’s an empty shell, walking around wearing the original person’s face.  Maybe it’s any of a million points in between, any combination of memories, motivations, personality, will…anyway, he tells me it wouldn’t be much of a stretch at all to rig things so whoever you’re raising is going to be perfectly cooperative, whoever you happen to be.

No shock to anyone, I’ve been going over and over this in my head all day.  I ended up needing to get out of my war room and get some air, so I took Mortimer for a ride around Durotar.  I was planning just to fly around some and hopefully clear my head, but on one loop around we passed over Tiragarde Keep.  And I happened to look down.

Humans.

So I landed.  An hour later and I was still there.  Not even rushing around, just taking my time, wandering through the keep, cutting down any humans I could find.

Usually we’ve been content to leave this human outpost alone – it doesn’t pose any real threat, and the humans there are weak even by human standards, and in a way they’re handy to have around as a training exercise for some of our up-and-comers out of Razor Hill.  Send the young blood over, have them take out some easy human pickings, we keep the cockroach population under control and the kids feel like they’ve accomplished something.  Everybody wins.

Not today.  Today I’m in no mood to humor them.  Today I’m done tolerating their presence, these pathetic vermin daring – PRESUMING – to claim a foothold in our lands.  These two-legged rats from Theramore (THERAMORE), sitting here almost within eyeshot of Orgrimmar… I’m done with them.  They’re like animals – every action I’ve ever known them to take shows it.  WORSE than animals, even – at least a dog understands loyalty, and a wyvern has some instinctive sense of honor.  Like animals, but less.  So I slaughtered them like animals.

It was a good afternoon.  While it lasted.

A long time ago I swore I’d make the humans regret the crimes they’ve committed against our people.  Somehow I let those words become just that: words.  Got lazy, grew complacent, contented myself with sitting around on a throne made out of the skull of an enemy I didn’t even kill myself and puffing out my chest like I’d done enough.

No more.

Legionnaire Nazgrim finally returned home to Orgrimmar last week after extended duty in Vashj’ir.  I’m promoting him to General and putting him in charge of the initial stages of what comes next.  I’ll be laying out our military plans in the next few days, but I don’t plan on wasting much time before we get to work.  I’ve already wasted enough.  It’s time I got to work doing what I should have done long ago.

Kill them all.

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