Archive for bragor bloodfist

Monday mailbag

Posted in Mailbag with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 9, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

Okay, I haven’t tended to the mail in a little while since we were, you know, dislocated in the time-space continuum.  But we’ve got a few letters that have come in lately, so before anything else happens that gets me all distracted, let’s see what we’ve got…

 

Hail, Warchief!

I would dearly love to find out what happened to Koltira Deathweaver. He died defending Silvermoon, you know. I enjoyed working with him in Agmar’s Hammer, and again on Ogrim’s Hammer. I heard that he disappeared under mysterious circumstances right after we ran the Alliance out of Andorhal. But that’s all I know. Something’s not quite right here, though. My sources here are usually pretty good, but when I bring up Koltira, they invariably change the subject.

The guy you want to talk to about Bowling for Wildhammer is Malkar over in Bloodgulch. It’s not actually bowling, though, it’s more like fishing. You toss a hook up in the air, snag a gryphon, and haul the rider down to you. Then, you wear him out. Lather, rinse, repeat. A fine way to while away a dull afternoon. But I’m not sure how closely Zaela looks into what goes on in Bloodgulch. She may well know nothing about this.

–A Concerned Citizen

Hey, ACC.  Thanks for the explanation of the whole Bowling for Wildhammer thing.  I’m definitely going to have to take a trip out there and check it out.  Granted, yanking dwarves out of the sky and curbstomping them isn’t going to be quite as fun or satisfying as, say, humans or gnomes, but hey, it’s Alliance and it’s curbstomping.  Can’t rightly complain about that.

As for Koltira…yeah, I’d like to know what the deal is with him, too.  I’ve been trying to find out for a while now, in fact.  Bragor Bloodfist down in the Undercity has been under orders to find out what happened to him, seeing as Sylvanas and her people were the last ones to see Koltira before he went off the grid.  He hasn’t been able to get any answers, though, and considering he’s got his own whole set of issues down there, I’m not sure whether it’s a matter of there not being any answers to be had or of him just not having his head in the right place.  I mean seriously, I ask him for a Koltira update, and he babbles on about Sylvanas going off to the little ghouls’ room and being gone for like an hour.  Like I need to know the details of her bathroom breaks.  Maybe she’s got an irritable colon or something, who knows.  I know mine gets plenty irritable with some of the morons I have to deal with in this job.

 

Dear Warchief,

We all know you’re a big fan of lemon squares (who isn’t, am I right?).  Do you have any other favourite foods?

Your fan,

–Salaria

One word, Salaria: bacon.  Everything goes good with bacon.  Everything.  There is not one single recipe out there – I DARE YOU TO PROVE ME WRONG – that isn’t improved by adding bacon.  Need convincing?  Name any kind of food you can think of, and tell me it wouldn’t sound even better if you stuck “bacon-wrapped” in front of it.  SEE?  Hell, if you offered to give me “bacon-wrapped cancer,” I’d have to at least think about it.

Of course, even granting that everything goes great with bacon, the thing that goes absolute BEST with bacon?  More bacon.

Honorable mention: peanut butter.  Most of the above applies, plus it’s really handy for when I have to give Mortimer a pill from the vet, and in general it’s just hilarious to watch a wyvern chawing away on it while it’s sticking to the roof of his mouth.  Sometimes I’ll give him a big spoon of the stuff, and while he’s munching away, Gurtash will make up dialogue that Mortimer could be saying, since his mouth will be flapping open and closed almost like he’s talking.  Good times.

 

Hey mon,

I been doin’ dat regular errand for Marogg da infantry chef, where he be askin’ us ta steal Darkspear rice from da trolls in da Valley of Spirits.  I been tinkin’ dis be a real smart move, mon, keepin’ da trolls underfed and hungry.  All you I mean we orcs know da only way we be keepin’ da trolls down is if we keep dem weakened – we let ’em eat well and get strong an’ for sure dey be takin’ over da Horde!  We all know dere be no way we be holdin’ dem down if dey at full strength!  Good goin’ dere, mon!

–Bob, Echo Isles

Wait, wait, hold on a minute.  You’re trying to tell me, you think the only reason the orcs are able to maintain our position of dominance within the Horde is because we use sketchy methods to keep any potential rivals weak?  You’re saying we couldn’t stay in charge if the fucking TROLLS had three squares a day (along with whatever extra snacks they’re having because, you know, munchies)?

Well FUCK THAT SHIT.

I’ll SHOW you how fast we’d lose control if the trolls weren’t hungry all the time!  Marogg was supposed to be gathering up that rice to make jambalaya, right?  Well I’m issuing him orders RIGHT THIS MINUTE to have half that jambalaya delivered right over to the troll district.  What’s more, I’m ordering Borstan the butcher to start scheduling regular deliveries of assorted meats to the Valley of Spirits, maybe let those scrawny fuckers get some protein for once, and then for good measure, I’m even having Shan’ti arrange to have some fruits and vegetables – why someone would want to eat those is beyond me, but whatever – sent over when there’s a decent crop.

You think the trolls would take over if we didn’t keep them weakened?  BULLSHIT, the trolls don’t need our help to be weak, they came out of the box that way, so just you fucking watch and see what happens – or DOESN’T happen – when they can’t cry starvation anymore!

Go head, fatten ’em up, feed ’em all they can choke down, see how much good it does them!  You hear me?  That’s an order!  Feed those trolls!

 

Attn: Garrosh Hellscream, Horde Warchief
c/o Orgrimmar, Durotar KLM

Pursuant to Stormwind Revenue Statute LC14-99A17, subsection A4:

This letter hereby notifies the above named GARROSH HELLSCREAM (hereafter “DEBTOR”) of funds owed to the Stormwind Treasury, as per investigations conducted under authority of this office:

    • Debtor initially accrued debt under alias G. PATRICK SEITZ in the amount of 120 gold in unpaid charges at Kelly’s Inn and Tavern, Southshore, Hillsbrad Foothills EKD.
    • Proprietor Herman Kelly, esq. (hereafter “PLAINTIFF”) filed legal claim against one G. PATRICK SEITZ in the amount of 144 gold in rental and late fees.
    • Lordaeron Circuit Court 23 ruled in favor of plaintiff in amount of 144 gold; additionally 216 gold in legal fees, 150 gold fine for failure to appear at hearing and 50 gold in punitive damages.  Total debt incurred 560 gold.
    • Debtor failed to appear before court on three statutory appeal dates as per Lordaeron Small Claims Code 19C, classification 4 (Brill Act).  Upon expiration of appeal period, debtor incurred mandatory penalties of 407 gold, 611 gold and 1215 gold for missed payment dates.
    • Funds owed to plaintiff were reimbursed from Lordaeron Treasury under Small Business Shelter Provision 2219-A; debtor’s account was placed in collection.  Mandatory fine of 117 gold incurred.
    • Collection duties assumed by Stormwind Agency of Taxation and Recovery under Disaster Provision Act after unexpected decease and necrotic resuscitation of entire fiduciary authority of Lordaeron government.
    • Debtor accrued additional debts in the mount of 117 gold monthly for failure to pay fines; additionally cumulative interest fees at rates of 14 to 23% per annum as dictated by Stormwind Variable Rate Index.

As of current date, debtor owes funds to RATR in amount of 49,758 gold.

Please remit funds to RATR, Stormwind, within 30 days of receipt of this notice.  Additional penalties may apply upon failure to comply.

–Royal Agency of Taxation and Recovery, Stormwind City
(Routing path: Southshore; Tarren Mill; Lordaeron; Androhal; Stormwind; Theramore; Gadgetzan; Caverns of Time; Ratchet)

What.

The fuck.

Is THIS?

Okay, so hold up.  You mean to tell me, when we high-tailed it out of Southshore – and yeah, we didn’t bother paying at the inn when we took off, because guess what, we had some other shit to do that was kind of important – Kelly (Herman?  Seriously?  Fucking HERMAN?) went to the trouble of filing a lawsuit and keeping after it to try to get back the fucking pocket change we owed him?

And okay, I know what you guys are probably thinking, how the hell did they even manage to trace this back to me in the first place, seeing as I was using an alias and a human face and WAS TRAVELING THROUGH FUCKING TIME.  But you know what, really, you shouldn’t be surprised that they managed to find me, because TAX COLLECTORS.  Those fuckers will see through time and space like it’s nothing and track you through the Twisted Nether and OMG maybe I should get some of THEM to try to find fucking Koltira!

Anyway, Stormwind tax dudes working under royal authority, I was going to send you an I.O.U. for the gold, but on second thought I figure it would be a lot better to take this occasion to publicly offer you an F.Y.V.

That’s right.

Everyone say it with me.

Advertisements

Arrival at the Undercity

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on June 7, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

I’ll say this for Sylvanas, she’s a gracious hostess.  I arrived in Tirisfal Glades this morning by zeppelin (along with Mokvar, General Nazgrim and his attaché Captain Drok, and a few other support people), and Sylvanas rolled out the welcome wagon.  Mounted Forsaken royal guards lining the path up to the ruins of Lordaeron, full banquet arranged to welcome us, VIP quarters, the whole nine yards.  She definitely knows how to treat guests.

On the down side, HOLY SHIT does this place smell.

No, I mean seriously.

At one point while Sylvanas was showing us around, I said to Mokvar, “Fuck, did something die in here?”  And it was one of those deals where right as soon as you say something, you realize what a bad idea it was, and Mokvar gave me the big wide “Seriously?” eyes, right as Sylvanas was starting to give me one of those uncomfortable “I’m not going to call you on it but you and I both know what you just said” looks, and yeah.

But still, fucking hell.  Cannot possibly overstate the stink.  Then again, I suppose that’s what you get when you build an entire city in a fucking sewer.

This also gave me the chance to check in with Bragor Bloodfist face to face for the first time in ages.  Worth noting, by the way – even though he knew we were coming in today, for some odd reason he couldn’t be bothered to get his ass out to the front gates to welcome us with Sylvanas and, you know, the half-dozen other semi-quasi-dignitaries she brought with her.  Which you would think he might make a point of doing, what with (a) it being his JOB to keep an eye on things and (b) it being his BOSS showing up.  Anyway, our face time also gave me the chance to have one of the mages on hand cast a glowy shimmery glamour effect around Sylvanas’ head, point it out to Bragor, then smack him around a few times while making the point, “Her eyes are up THERE, fuckwit.”  I seriously need to scrape up some better lackeys.  Taking applications now.

We’re stopping by the Apothecarium (They actually call it that?  Is that even a fucking word?) this afternoon to meet with Faranell and the rest of his people and see where things stand on their research.  While that’s going on, Nazgrim is sending Drok down to Southshore to coordinate with Warlord Cromush and check on the state of things down there.  More updates soon.

 

 

[Header image provided by regular reader and commenter ZugZug, used here with permission and many thanks.]

Monday mailbag

Posted in Mailbag with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 4, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

mail27

So not only have I not really done a decent mailbag in a while (the last one really opened up a pretty big can of worms, to be fair), but in light of recent events, I actually have a pretty serious influx of stuff to respond to.  Let’s get right to the mail…

 

Hey Garrosh,

In light of everything you’ve been going through, I decided to take a trip to Demon Fall Canyon to pay my respects to Grom and Lakkara both.  I’ve included a picture of myself at Grom’s monument below.  Also, while you were traveling to Nagrand this week, I took the liberty of writing a post on the blog to encourage your readers to do the same.  Hopefully they’ll follow my lead and send you some photographic proof that we’re all behind you, and thinking of you while you deal with everything that’s happened.

If you ever need anything,

–Spazzle Fizzletrinket, Orgrimmar

Thanks, Spazzle.  Much appreciated.  As it turns out, a bunch of other people did follow your lead, and my inbox ended up sort of flooded with e-mails and links from people chronicling their own visits.  Here’s a smattering from folks who didn’t include an actual letter:

 

And a bunch here that Leit over at int i; posted as part of a full blog entry on the…well…pilgrimages, I guess, that Spazzle set off:

Hail, Warchief!

Condolences on the … recent disturbing events. It’s hard enough to lose a parent once, let alone twice. Know that the Horde grieves with you.

In other news, guess who I ran into the other day? None other than Faranell, the “new guy” in your guild. One of your Kor’kron guards has developed a rather innovative method for controlling the pace of Faranell’s research. He occasionally punts an abomination’s head into the sewers.

That’s Faranell in the middle, and Overseer Kraggosh on the right. He seems to be doing a fine job.

And lastly, Bowling for Wildhammer. You should try it.

(And yes, that’s an atypical hairstyle for one of us. I learned long ago that long, flowing locks and high-torque power shafts DO NOT play well together.)

–A Concerned Citizen

Hey ACC, good to hear from you, and thanks for the show of support.  It’s been a rough couple of weeks, but I’ll manage.  Granted, I’ll sleep a lot better once ol’ You-Know-Who is finally captured and properly dismembered.

Speaking of dissected bodies, thanks as well for checking in on things in the Undercity.  Did you happen to see any signs of Koltira Deathweaver while you were down there, by the way?  Haven’t heard from him in months, and last anybody heard he was helping Sylvanas with some stuff out in the Plaguelands.  Anyway…I’m sure the boys are keeping things under control down there.  I’m still not totally sold on Bragor Bloodfist and the job he’s doing with the watching-Sylvanas-but-not-necessarily-in-the-right-way, but I’m sure Overseer Kraggosh is taking care of business.  I actually gave him the Apothecarium assignment deliberately, in the hopes that maybe working down there could help grease the wheels on moving him up on the list of potential “donor” organ recipients.  Not to jinx things, but the guy has a really bad family history, heart disease and such, to the point that most of the family pretty much treats it as a foregone conclusion.  Want to know how bad it is?  The name “Kraggosh”?  Means “Heart of Cholesterol” in orcish.  Yeah.

Also, Bowling for Wildhammer?  You’ve got to fill me in on this one.  Strangely enough, for all the meetings I’ve had with Zaela, somehow she never mentioned this little diversion in Twilight Highlands.  Seriously, they’ve got some kind of blood sport out there called Bowling for Wildhammer, and she’s wasting my time trying to fucking push some damn SUSHI place on me over and over?  The fuck?

 

Greetings Warchief!

Spazzle suggested we attempt to cheer you up by sending you letters and pictures of us honoring your dearly departed father and mother.  I kept trying to take decent shots, but my stupid pet kept ruining my pictures.  The attached one is the best one I have with out any sort of shenanigans.

While I am writing I would like to ask you a question.  Have you ever considered settling down and starting a family?  I am from the Armripper clan who has made a good showing in all the conflicts.  I am young but not too young.  I was a part of the events in Northrend and was there to help kill the Litch King.  I was also helpful in bringing down Deathwing and the Twilight Cult.

The only deal breaker for me is that I must be able to keep my full stable of pets near me (ie in the house at all times).  I love my pets so much and would never be able to settle down with a man that did not respect that.  I have 25 of them, mostly large felines of various colorings.  Each one is precious to me.

Awaiting your reply,

–Toka Armripper

Oh great.  We’ve got another one.

I actually think I remember you from Northrend, Toka, from when I joined the troops in Icecrown Citadel to deliver Hellscream’s Warsong.  My memory’s a little fuzzy on one point, though — you weren’t on of those fuckers who had a problem with the Warsong and wanted me to stop singing, were you?  Because I’ll tell you in no uncertain terms, I have an enchanting singing voice, I don’t care what any of you people say.

I’m also totally fine with the pet thing.  I mean, 25 cats is maybe a bit much, especially since you say you’re young, seeing as the Crazy Cat Lady thing usually doesn’t start kicking in until middle age at the earliest.  (Also, that thing you said about being “young, but not too young”?  Is this your way of telling me that you’re, you know, legal?  Because assuming we’re talking over 18 here, “too young”?  Ain’t no such thing.  If there’s grass on the field, play ball.)  But I get the appeal of pets — obviously I’m pretty attached to Mortimer, and he would definitely be a dealbreaker for me too, and I also have my worg Malak, who doesn’t get as much press as Mortimer does but also isn’t negotiable.  So I get it.

That said, gotta be honest, I haven’t really given a whole lot of thought to settling down any time soon.  For one thing, I have way too many things to focus on that are a lot bigger than just me.  I have a war to win and humans to exterminate and the glorious future of an Azeroth-dominating Horde to secure, and my time and energy is going to be a lot better spent on that stuff than running around filling out a gift registry (which by the way, am I the only one who thinks that’s a fucking tacky idea in the first place? “Hey, here’s a list of the stuff we want you to buy us, because getting married all of sudden means we get to act like we’re 10 years old and everyone we know is Greatfather fucking Winter”) and getting measured for a tux.  Which, also by the way, I don’t do bow ties.  Chafe my neck something awful.

But even beyond that, have you SEEN Thrall since he got married?  Look, I didn’t always agree with him, but even I wouldn’t hesitate to admit the guy was a badass.  Now?  Have you seen how he lets Aggra lead him around by the nose?  I mean hell, even when he was busy fighting Deathwing, there he was, him and the Aspects and a collection of some of the Horde’s greatest champions, and they narrowly pull off this nail-biter victory that saves the world, and right in their moment of glory and triumph who just SHOWS THE FUCK UP like she OWNS the place?  Yeah.  Aggra.  No thanks.

Besides, why would I want to settle down?  Let’s be honest here — there’s a reason why I’ve ended up having to replace my bed upstairs in Grommash Hold 37 times since I took over as Warchief, and believe you me, it ain’t faulty craftsmanship.

Monday mailbag

Posted in Mailbag with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 17, 2011 by Garrosh Hellscream

So, back to business with a fresh mailbag.  Sorry I missed last week, but after everything that went down in Stonetalon, I really wasn’t up to answering letters last Monday.  Luckily that’s all in the past now, so I can get back to the blog and not be reminded of that whole disaster.  Let’s see what we’ve got this week…

 

Blood and Thunder Warchief Hellscream,

I extend my thanks to you warchief for upon your visit to Stonetalon Mountains you weeded out the corruption and “relieved of duty” Overlord Krom’Gar. Although my wife and child could not be spared before your arrival I will take your lessons to heart “honor, no matter how dire the battle never forsake it.”

My Wife and Child are now buried and I laid their remains and would ask that you would only take a moment out of your day of mountainous paperwork to remember them and honor them. ‘Lok Tar Ogar, Victory or Death’ mighty Warchief.

–High Chieftian Cliffwalker

OH FUCKING HELL, SERIOUSLY??

I mean, um, yeah.  Very sorry for your loss, Chieftain.  Respect.  (Dammit, where’s Spazzle when I need a hand with the damn erase button again?)

We should definitely set up some kind of proper memorial for your family, though.  I have to admit I’m not really up to speed on tauren traditions, so you might want to talk to someone a little more in the know to make arrangements.  I would offer to help with that myself, but I feel like it might not be such a hot idea for me to go up to Baine Bloodhoof and ask him about tauren burial customs.  Things might get a little weird.

 

Hey mon,

6 – 6 x 6 = 0.  Discuss.

–Bob, Echo Isles

Dammit this is my mailbag, not math class.

Besides, what’s there to discuss?  6 – 6 x 6 = 0, the end.  What do you want, a medal for knowing the obvious?

 

Hail, Warchief! As a concerned citizen of Silvermoon, I have a request.

As you well know, we are without a real leader just at the moment. Our King, Anastarian Sunstrider, has fallen. Our Prince, Kael’thas Sunstrider, went bat-shyte koo-koo. And our Regent-Lord, Lor’themar Theron … well, you know. Decent fellow, but mostly useless. It’d be nice to have a real King again.

Anyway, I was reading up on Earth Online the other day, about this place called “Sweden”, and this guy named “Bernadotte”, and I got an idea.

Do you have any officers that aren’t doing anything especially important? I hear Bragor Bloodfist is looking for a new posting.

–A Concerned Citizen

P.S.: I just hit the level cap on my “aeronautical engineer”, by the way. The leveling tests were pretty brutal, but the end-game looks sweet.

First of all, ACC, what’s the deal with the aeronautical engineer thing?  Is that some kind of hybrid spec?  Because I thought the talent trees were Chemical, Electrical, and Mechanical.  Did I miss something on the wiki?  Meanwhile, I’m still playing around with the veterinarian, but I also just rolled a humanities-spec teacher class (for those of you wondering, by the way, that would be the human equivalent of orcities studies).  Who knows how that will go.

Now, for your question.  See, I’d be all for installing my own people to run puppet governments for me, and saving all the trouble that comes with giving the different city leaders the leeway to do things their way, but if you don’t do it right it’s more headaches than it’s worth.  Biggest problem is it’s AWFULLY hard to keep control of a captive population if the people weren’t on board with the regime change.  Like take Magatha Grimtotem trying to stage a coup in Thunder Bluff after Cairne died.  How’d that work out for her?  Yeah.

Thing is, for you blood elves, it kinda sucks because if you’d had this idea a couple years ago, we could have done something about it.  Like if you could make a move right after the truth about Kael’thas came out, there’d probably be enough backlash against him in Silvermoon that the people would be all over a new leader.  Open arms, figurehead installed, profit.  Of course, back at the time when the iron was hot, we had Thrall running things all white-hat style and me off in Nagrand still cutting myself and shit.  But still.  Good job being slow with this idea just the same.  Honestly, though, trying to do it that way now, we’re just going to get stuck with uprisings and unrest and all kinds of other crap.

As for Bragor, are you serious?  I’m supposed to give him a promotion for mediocrity?  He’s barely been able to stay on top of thing just WATCHING the Undercity, you want me to give him even MORE authority somewhere?  Speaking of Bragor keeping his eyes on things…

 

Dearest Warchief,

While I deeply appreciate your taking the time to respond to my previous note, I fail entirely to see what is wrong with the way I dress, such as to justify the manner in which Captain Bloodfist has been persistently leering at me these past months.

–Lady Sylvanas Windrunner, Undercity

Yeah, you’re right.  Don’t know what I was thinking.

Ive never seen a wisp deliver a letter in my life but here i sit, outside the Darnassus wisp delivery outpost, trying to pen an urgent plea for help using only the supplies these hippies wonderful like minded people ancsestor dammed night elven scum use.I only hope you get this message before your murder destroy its carrier since i can already feel myself becoming lost again, each time i succomb it becomes more and more difficult to resist. but then why would i want to resist, i dont want to be a part o each time i loose another part of myself to this sickness.I dont have much time.It began a fortnight ago, I began to feel ill while resting in Orgrimmar, i thought that sleep would do me good but i couldnt rest, i could think only of traveling to ashenvale. as time went on the thought turned into a nessesity, i couldnt stay in the city any longer. I dont know how long i had traveled before i blacked out, the next thing i remember was waking up in the inn in Darnassus with strange thoughts echoing in my head.I dont know how much longer i will remain myself, if i can i will escape, i will find a cure, but i beg you warchief, do not brand me a traitor, i did not ask for this gift curse.

Um, yeah.

Okay, first of all, the wisp delivery thing?  That’s not what it is.  It’s called E-MAIL.  The wispy thing you’re talking about is actually an electrical signal coded by a machine and relayed through cables and wires.  (Yes, yes, Spazzle, also sent through why-fly, but there’s no sense confusing this guy any more.)

Still, I can understand how you would be mixed up there, being as you’re apparently surrounded by night elves.  In Darnassus, no less.  Actually, tell me something, did they feel the need to fucking dip everything THERE in glitter too?  Just wondering.

Either way, sounds like you’re having a pretty rough time of it.  From what I can gather from your letter.  Which, frankly, isn’t a whole lot – and by the way, next time you might maybe want to try taking off your mittens when you’re working on an e-mail – other than I guess you need help.  Which I would totally send for you, but you never actually signed your letter or told me who the hell you are, so I wouldn’t even know who to tell the Kor’kron detachment to look for.

So, you know, sucks to be you, I guess.

 

Dear Horde warchiefs,

We are have multiple complaint about your command, to please confirm leadership visit identity verify office for submit banking record and identification validate.  Warchief will be suspend if not verify. Thank you.

–Warchiefsecuresafe, Pandaria

OMG WTF!!!!  What the hell is this?!?  Oh wait, WAIT – THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS WORRIED ABOUT BEFORE!!  Yeah, see, SEE, I KNEW someone could try something like this after the whole fake letter from Thrall a few weeks ago!!  But everybody was like “oh pooh pooh, silly Garrosh, why do you get upset about nothing?”  WELL IT’S NOT NOTHING NOW IS IT MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

Okay so you guys will have to excuse me while I go try to straighten this whole mess out.  I hope they have an office locally, I don’t even know where the fuck Pandaria is…

 

Anyway, that’s it for this week,  Remember to keep your letters coming – garrosh1337@gmail.com – and I’ll crank out another batch for next time.

Monday mailbag

Posted in Mailbag with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 26, 2011 by Garrosh Hellscream

Running a little late today, I know, but here’s a few of this week’s letters…

 

Dearest Warchief,

I hope this missive finds you well.  Your delightful and inspiring blog was recently brought to my attention, and I felt compelled to write to express my deepest appreciation.  I can see now why Thrall so wisely saw fit to appoint you as his successor.  With such a keen intellect at the helm, I have little doubt that we shall prevail against our foes.

I am particularly touched by your recent comments on my defense of Silvermoon.  While I am saddened to see that you still harbor reservations about my loyalty and commitment, I can assure you that the good of the Horde is forefront in my thoughts, and further assure – nay, stress – that no further…shall we say…indiscretions are forthcoming.  I cannot, in fact, emphasize this point enough.  There is truly nothing for you to concern yourself with, and, as such, I can further assure you that there is no need for you to waste valuable time checking up on the goings-on in, say, Silverpine Forest or Gilneas.  With so many Horde outposts in need of your sage attention, it would pain me to know that we Forsaken were needlessly occupying your valuable time.  So, once again, no need to visit Silverpine.  Really.  Don’t you worry your dear, most interestingly proportioned head over it.

Also, loathe though I am to impose upon the Warchief’s attention, might I request, at your next opportunity, that you have a word or two with the most honorable Captain Bloodfist, of the Kor’kron detachment generously assigned to aid in the defense of my beloved Undercity?  Skillful military tactician though I’m sure he is, I cannot help but notice over these past several months that he persists in…looking at me.  In…ways that are starting to make me feel rather uncomfortable.

–Lady Sylvanas Windrunner, Undercity

Oh crap, I think I’m about to have more forms to fill out.

Although…I mean, seriously, do you ever look at the way you dress?

Anyway.  It’s nice to see Sylvanas coming around a little.  Like I said a couple weeks ago, I really did have my doubts about her, but it really seems like she’s pulling herself together these days.  Nice to know I don’t have to worry too much about her, it’s not like I don’t have enough on my mind already these days.

 

Hail to ye, Garrosh!

HAHAHA!  That’s it, laddy, put them DEHTA pantywaists in their place!  Ye know, they keep tellin’ all their recruits they’re me archenemy.  At least that’s what they say – I haven’t seen ’em dare come near me themselves!  But at least they talk a good game.  Ye notice, though, they keep tryin’ to recruit people to run errands for them, but they still only have six members, so good on ye, lads, fine job retainin’ yer recruits!

If any of ye DEHTA types are readin’ this, I’ll raise me stein and have a drink to yer health…and use it to wash down the goodly feast of assorted Northrend meats I went out and killed fresh today!  Ye know where to find me if ye ever grow a pair!

–Hemet Nesingwary, Sholazar Basin

I don’t really have a lot to say here.  This just made me happy!  Good to hear from you, Hemet, it’s been a while!  For anyone who doesn’t know, Hemet used to hang out in Nagrand, so I used to go hunting with him sometimes.  Hey Hemet, remember that time we were hunting Banthar, and that damn Durn the Hungerer came sneaking up behind us?  Like how does he DO that anyway?  How does a 50 foot tall giant gronn just SNEAK UP on you like that??

 

To Garrosh Hellscream, Warchief of the Horde:

Seriously?  Clefthoof stew?  And not only ENCOURAGING people to eat clefthoof stew, when there are many far healthier, less murder-requiring dietary options available, but GLORYING in your choice to make such food out of a CRUELLY BETRAYED friend and companion of your childhood?

You really are determined to evoke the wrath of D.E.H.T.A., aren’t you?

–Arch Druid Lathorius, D.E.H.T.A.

Oh no.  THE WRATH OF DEHTA!  WHAT-EVER WILL I DO.  Hey, news flash, Lather-on-us, the whole time I was up there in Northrend, there was only one person whose “wrath” I ever concerned myself with at all, and guess what, it wasn’t you, or any of your whiney druid friends.

I already wasted enough time on you guys last week, but looks like Hemet might have a few choice words for you.  YOU REMEMBER HIM, RIGHT?  THE ARCHENEMY you guys were going to PUT IN HIS PLACE, and you sure as hell did, provided by “in his place” you meant “at the dinner table, feasting on a spread of barbequed, stewed, and roasted shoveltusk, wooly rhino, mammoth, and worg.”  Yum!

 

Hey mon,

I know you be tinkin’ I be supportin’ you as my replacement as Warchief, but I really only gave ya da job to prove to you an’ everybody what a failure you’d be at it.  Ever since you came to Orgrimmar you been actin’ like you be knowin’ how to run tings better dan me, so I figured I be givin’ you enough rope to hang yourself.  Not to mention dis way when I come back everybody will be so happy to be rid of you dat dey’ll tink I’m even more of a hero.  Like seriously mon, you got no idea how much all de other leaders be missin’ me.  After you, all I’ll have to do is walk in a straight line without droolin’ on meself an’ it’ll be an improvement, mon. P.S. You smell.

Bob Trall, Echo Isles

WHAT!!! OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE THRALL WOULD SAY THAT WTF!!!!  And WTF is he doing in the Echo Isles I thought he was supposed to be in the Maelstrom or Mount Hyjal or wherever the fuck he is that’s not here!!!

AND I DO NOT SMELL WTF!!!

Monday mailbag

Posted in EPIC VERSE, Mailbag with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 12, 2011 by Garrosh Hellscream

So first of all, thanks to the people who showed their support over my trip to Grom’s monument in Demon Fall Canyon.  Also Spazzle was helpful getting the pictures up on the blog, because for some reason he wasted all kinds of timing learning how to do dorky stuff like that while he was tinkering around with all the weird gadgets those goblins keep piling up in the Valley of Spirits.

As one last tribute to the whole experience, I decided to write something up to commemorate my father’s sacrifice and Thrall’s first trip to Nagrand, when he showed me what had really gone down with Mannoroth.

 

There once was an orc from Nagrand
Who by chance, luckily, was on hand
For the Warchief’s arrival,
With glamors archival,
Fuck you, Varian.
To reveal Grom’s last glorious stand.

 

EPIC VERSE!

 

On to this week’s mail.

 

Greetings, Warchief!

I was just wondering if I’ve unintentionally done something to cause offense among the other Horde leaders.  I’ve noticed that I don’t seem to be receiving summons to any of the summit meetings you hold with the other faction leaders, and for that matter, other than Sylvanas, none of the others have returned any of my messages.

–Lor’themar Theron, Silvermoon City

Wait, who are you again?  Lor’themar?  Isn’t that the dude Orgrim Doomhammer killed at Blackrock Mountain like forever ago?  You’re still alive WTF?  Oh wait a minute – Silvermoon, you must be that blood elf leader.  Didn’t we kill you after you went all crazy and tried to summon Kil’jaeden and shit?  OH HANG ON, you blood elves have a HISTORY of not staying dead, don’t you?  Oh fuck, here we go again, we’ve got another blood elf zombie running around.  Just what we need.  Someone get Saurfang in on this shit before this one goes all Keleseth on us.

 

Hey mon,

You know how much I can be sellin’ dese for?  [Warglaive of Azzinoth] [Warglaive of Azzinoth]

–Bob, Echo Isles

Oh geez, here we go again.  WELCOME TO FIVE YEARS AGO, idiot.  You can’t sell those, moron, because IF you ever got them in the first place, they would have magically bound to you when you took them off Illidan’s corpse, LIKE YOU WERE ONE OF THE ONES WHO KILLED ILLIDAN in the first place!  And who cares about those anyway, seeing as we’ve got bigger and better things to be thinking of at this point, because it’s not FIVE YEARS AGO!  AND BEFORE YOU E-MAIL ME AGAIN, no, you also can’t sell [Thunderfury, Blessed Blade of the Windseeker].

 

Um, dude, seriously?  The poetry blogging thing is totally my deal.  Find your own gimmick, will you?

–Sargeras, Twisting Nether

WHY DON’T YOU COME MAKE ME!  You heard me!  I’m right here, you want to make something of it, come get me!

Yeah, I bet we won’t be hearing from him again.  Not for, like, a few years anyway.

 

Finally, this message arrived in the form of a comment on Spazzle’s post from a few days ago, but I thought it merited a response here:

Dear Warchief,

I am an 8 year old forsaken mage and I have a question for you. Is there honor left in the horde?  My friends (also forsaken) all say that there is no honour, only plague, valkrys and undeath.  Sylvanus says to believe what you see and she saw only darkness when the bad man godfrey killed her. Please tell me the truth, is there honour in the horde? (even for forsaken?)

–Pluton, undead mage

Honor, Pluton.  No matter how dire the battle, never forsake it.

Varok Saurfang taught me that when we served together in Northrend.  His words have never left my thoughts, and I think they’re especially fitting here.  Your people may call themselves the Forsaken, but it’s not really so.  You are not forsaken.  Honor does not forsake us.  We forsake it…and as long as we don’t, it won’t either.

I’ll be honest with you.  I’ve always had my doubts about the undead, and about Sylvanas in particular.  I worry that she has her own agenda.  I wonder how loyal she truly is to the Horde.  Ever since the siege of the Undercity, I’ve had nagging doubts about just how much of Putress’s plan was really going on without her knowing.  There’s a reason why I’m keeping a Kor’kron detachment there.  (And no, Bragor, I’m still not giving you a three-day pass.  Seriously.  You can stop with the damn e-mails.)

But I’ll tell you this, too: If you’re finding yourself worrying about whether there’s honor left for you as a Forsaken, then you already have your answer.

Men without honor do not agonize over losing it.

Sylvanas was right about one thing.  You do have to trust what you see.  I see a Horde made up of races – every one of them – who have endured unspeakable losses, suffered horrifying pain…and carry on, bending but not breaking, holding up their heads the best they can.  I see Thrall and Cairne – every day as if they were still in front of my eyes – fighting through burning ruins to save the children of blood elves they’ll never know.

Yes, we Horde have had our share of dishonorable names.  But for every Gul’dan, we have an Eitrigg.  For every Magatha Grimtotem, there’s a Cairne.  And then there’s my father, Grommash…the worst of us, and the greatest of us.  He was the first to drink Mannoroth’s demon blood and doom the orcs to slavery…and the one to buy back our freedom with his own life.  A reminder for all of us that honor never really leaves us.  It only lays dormant until we reclaim what was always ours.

Even for Sylvanas.  Somewhere inside that…unscrupulous shell, there’s a elven ranger general who stood alone between the Scourge and the fall of her people, and cut down legions of undead before laying down her life.  A spirit so strong that not even the Lich King could break it, so strong that she willed her violated people to the closest semblance of freedom left for them.  If that freedom is a pale imitation of living, then it’s also the last, best gift Windrunner had to give, however paltry it may have been.  If what Sylvanas has become has cost her her soul – if darkness really is all the awaits her – then that should only magnify her sacrifice…because everything she’s become is the price she willingly paid for her people.

I hope someday she can find some piece of what made her one of the greatest of her kind.  I’m just not holding my breath.

 

UGH…that was hard.  HEAD HURTS.  Remind me not to do that again.  And dammit, did I actually just talk myself into respecting Sylvanas?  Crap.

Anyway, I still have to talk about the rest of the Ashenvale stops, plus I’ve got to start getting ready for some more of these inspections.  Dammit, I don’t know why I even bother unpacking.  More soon.

Monday mailbag

Posted in EPIC VERSE, Mailbag with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 5, 2011 by Garrosh Hellscream

OMG people are reading my blog!!!!  I didn’t even tell anybody other than Spazzle and Eitrigg that this blog was here and now people are reading it!  I have fans!  People love me!  I WILL BASK IN THE ADORING GLOW OF MY LOYAL AND DEVOTED FOLLOWERS!  Go me!  GO GARROSH!

 

I hear ya about the paperwork, Warchief.  Are you sure you don’t have any assistants to help cover it, though?  I’m just a Kor’kron captain and even I have Aleric here to push some of the forms off on.  Speaking of which, is there any chance you could have someone come by and relieve me for a weekend or something?  I’ve been stuck standing here in the Royal Quarter for almost two years now, and while the view isn’t bad if you know what I mean, let’s just say the aroma around this place isn’t the greatest thing in the world.  It would be kind of nice to have a day or two to just go up to Brill and get some air.

— Bragor Bloodfist, Undercity

Oh yeah, absolutely, let me send someone down there to relieve you, Bragor.  You really must need a break what with how hard you’ve been working keeping an eye on Sylvanas and making sure she doesn’t get up to anything fishy like developing more of Putress’s plague, and – OH WAIT, SHE TOTALLY DID.  How about you DO YOUR FUCKING JOB SUCCESSFULLY before you ask for a vacation?  Hey, pro tip, if you spend two years fighting the minions of a diabolical mastermind, like say, I don’t know, some FUCKING SHIMMERY WINGED UNDEAD GIANTS, and one day you see them just hanging out in one of the capital cities of the Horde, and instead of being KILLED LIKE THE BLOOD ENEMIES THEY ARE, it seems like they’re just chilling with one of our leaders, you know, maybe you want to check up on that.

But oh, hey, you do make a decent point about assistants, though.  Tell you what.  I was going to send someone down there to relieve you, but I think what I’ll do instead is keep them around here and have them work on these forms for me.  You keep at it down there in the Undercity.  I’ll be expecting your report on where the fuck Koltira Deathweaver disappeared to.  IN TRIPLICATE.

 

Hey mon, I be havin’ a question for ya.  If da Lich King’s horse is Invincible, how come I be seein’ it?

Vol’ Bob, Echo Isles

OMG I can’t believe how stupid this guy is!  The Lich King’s horse is INVINCIBLE NOT INVISIBLE YOU STUPID IDIOT!  ALSO YOU’RE STUPID!!  HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  How dumb do you have to be to not know words.

I swear sometimes I think I’m the only one left in the Horde that’s not a damn retard LOL.

 

I seriously can’t believe Thrall put you in charge.  It’s not that you’re dumb as a post, because let’s face it, his other options were all orcs, and what were his odds there with any choice he made?  And it’s not so much that you’re a badboy poser who talks a good game when he knows there’s someone like Rhonin or Tirion in the room to break up any actual fight.

But dude.  Poetry?  From your journal?  Which, you know, is just a slightly less pathetic way to say “diary”?  What are you, a fourteen-year-old girl?  Do you try to compensate by at least writing poems about weapons and battle, or are you just going all-out and writing about flowers and other sissy crap like that?

— Varian Wrynn, Stormwind

OMG HOW DID HE SEE THIS BLOG!!!  I’m writing this for LOYAL CITIZENS OF THE HORDE TO SEE, what idiot rigged up the internet so ANYONE can just go around looking up WHATEVER THEY WANT!!  Next thing you know kids at the Orgrimmar orphanage will be able to look up succubus erotica that is clearly only supposed to be for me adults.  (Does anyone know if Greatmother can see this, by the way?  Just checking.)

Anyway!  SOMEHOW you’ve managed to breach blog security here, Varian, so I suppose I should answer you.  First of all, on the poetry in general, hey, don’t get pissy with me because I’ve read a book in my life.  Don’t you have some giant library right there in your castle?  How about you reach up on one of those shelves and crack a tome once in a while and maybe get some damn culture.

As for what I write about, here, just for you, I’ll write one about flowers AND weapons.  Enjoy.

 

Mageroyal is red,
Peacebloom is white,
Axes are sharp,
Fuck you, Varian. 

 

EPIC VERSE!

Keep the letters coming.  I’ll try to do these mailbags when I can.  FOR THE HORDE!