Archive for ashenvale

LIVE BLOG: Ask Garrosh Anything!

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 15, 2015 by Garrosh Hellscream

question

Here we go!  As promised a few days ago, tonight the Warchief of the Horde (current or former, depending on how you count, because timey-whimey), Garrosh Hellscream, will answer any questions you’d care to throw at him!  If you can see this post, then the floor is now open for questions.  You can submit your question to the Warchief through any number of means: as a comment on this post, an e-mail to garrosh1337@gmail.com, a tweet to @GarroshHllscrm, an inquiry posted to Ask.fm, or a message through Garrosh’s Facebook or Google+ (feel free to add him on any and all of these, by the way!).

As I’ve noted before, there are a few simple ground rules for questions:

  • No spoilers!  Garrosh’s blog incarnation is currently living out the events of the Patch 5.2 timeframe.  If you’d like to include some sort of comical nod or foreshadowing toward future events in your question, feel free!  But questions explicitly referencing events that have not yet occurred in the blog will not be answered.
  • No anonymous questions will be answered.  You can submit your question under your in-game character name, a blogging pseudonym, a Twitter handle, whatever, but there must be an author to whom your question can be attributed.
  • This should probably go without saying, but no questions will be answered that are clearly engaged in harassing, trolling (not you, Bob), antagonizing, or generally disregarding the fun intentions of the endeavor.  Questions that seem to disregard, willfully or accidentally, the fundamental premises of the blog (check here for the basics, here if you’re feeling ambitious) will either be ignored or, perhaps, answered in a…derisive manner.

How it works: The live blog proper will begin at 8:30 PM EST (give or take a few minutes).  All questions will be added to this post.  Refresh this page periodically to check for updates!  I expect some responses will come quickly, while others may take a little longer, depending on what sort of response is called for.

While I will never alter the substance of your question, I reserve the right to make minor edits to correct errors (i.e., you refer to Spazzle when you clearly mean Gurtash) or to delete something spoiler-ish from an otherwise good question.

I plan to keep going for as long as I have questions that I think will be interesting and entertaining to answer, so keep them coming!  While I plan to try to answer as many questions as possible, I make no guarantee or promise that any individual question will get a response (i.e., I reserve the right to pick and choose which one I answer).  When the blog is finished for the night, Garrosh will explicitly announce that, so if there hasn’t been a “Good night, everyone!” type of statement, you can assume there’s still more on the way.

So, with all the quasi-legal technicalities out of the way… Get to it!  Ask away!  Answers to begin once ol’ you-know-who makes his glorious arrival…

* * * * *

HERE WE GO, BITCHES!  Brace your mind and hold on to your ass, because it’s time for yours truly, the one-and-only GARROSH HELLSCREAM, to answer ALL THE QUESTIONS YOU WERE AFRAID TO ASK.  Except I guess you weren’t.  Because you asked them.  SO NICE JOB NOT BEING A BUNCH OF FUCKING PANSIES RIGHT OUT THE GATE.

Okay, let’s see what we’ve got here.  Keep ’em coming as you think of ’em…

What do you consider your biggest non-combat achievement? –Zugzug

There are non-combat achievements?

I kid, I kid.  Well, not really.  But whatever, I should still come up with a kinda-real answer.

You probably wouldn’t see this achievement coming, but: First runner-up in the seventh annual Garadar chili cook-off.  Which was amended to first place after… well, something unfortunate happened to original-winner Grok’nar.  (My best to his widow.)  (And I do mean my best.)

See, this might come as a surprise, but your Warchief isn’t half bad as a cook.  As a matter of fact, one of the things I had to get used to when I became Warchief was having OTHER people cooking for me.  I was never used to having other people serving me.  Just felt weird.  Still does.  Even up in Northrend, I usually chipped in on odd chores around Warsong Hold if I didn’t have more urgent things to do — as much as I was tough on the troops up on there, I think it was kinda good for morale for them to see I didn’t think I was too good to get my hands dirty with the stuff I was asking them to do.  Anyway, every so often I would sneak into the kitchen and help them whip up a few things, even then.  I actually found it pretty relaxing.  Well, except for Saurfang and his damn picky menu.  No pork my ass.

Warchief Garrosh Hellscream, 

After invading my kingdom in the most brutal manner possible, killing my son, forcing my general and lifelong friend Crowley to surrender by holding his daughter hostage and carving a bloody swath through my people’s ranks, it recently came to my attention that Sylvanas Windrunner, leader of the Forsaken who count themselves among your number, has been using full-strength Blight – which you yourself banned – and kidnapped one Koltira Deathweaver away to the Undercity for torture and brainwashing, according to my informants (who shall remain nameless). In short, she has revealed herself to be an enemy of the Alliance and a liability to the Horde, of wich you are warchief. 
So my question is: What are you going to DO about her?!
With all due respect,
–Genn Graymane, King of Gilneas

Does anyone smell wet dog in here, or is it just me?

Oh, wait, it’s Genn.  He must have picked up that stink from hanging around Varian all day.

Anyway.  Let’s take this a little at a time:

After invading my kingdom in the most brutal manner possible,

Sounds like a good start.

killing my son,

That’ll teach him to keep his guard up.

forcing my general and lifelong friend Crowley to surrender by holding his daughter hostage

 Can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.

and carving a bloody swath through my people’s ranks,

 Not seeing a problem so far.

it recently came to my attention that Sylvanas Windrunner, leader of the Forsaken who count themselves among your number,

Your grasp of current events as of like eight years ago is impeccable.

has been using full-strength Blight – which you yourself banned –

The WHAT you say?

and kidnapped one Koltira Deathweaver away to the Undercity for torture and brainwashing,

Holy fucking shit, is THAT where that motherfucker went?!

according to my informants (who shall remain nameless).

 I… okay, hang on.  Here’s where you’re starting to chase your tail.  So to speak.  Okay, so you’re telling me, SOME PEOPLE, who YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHO THEY ARE OR HOW THEY KNOW THIS SHIT, BUT OH BOY BELIEVE ME, THEY SURE KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT, these people tell you blah blah blah Sylvanas?  And so…you’re asking me, what, if I’m going to lay the smackdown on her or something?  And, say, go attack the Forsaken or some shit, who by COMPLETE COINCIDENCE happen to be the same people who KICKED YOUR ASS, only now I’m going to go after them because OH NO YOU DON’T LIKE SYLVANAS?

Well, get in line, chief.  Nobody likes Sylvanas.  Other the people who are already dead, but that’s their damage.  And for real, I’m not going to break off one chunk of the Horde and go stage, what? a civil war or some shit against ANOTHER major part of the Horde, just because I think their leader’s kind of a jerk.

Come on, who’s going to be a big enough asshat to play THAT card?

Do you have a sure fire cure for head aches? –Toka

The only one I’ve found that works pretty consistently is that once Dontrag and Utvoch get going with their damn yammering, and going on and on about whatever the fuck they’re saying, and the headache starts kicking in, you watch them pretty close — I know it might hurt your eyes a little at first, but hang in there, you’ve gotta push through that part — and then when you see them position themselves good and close, you reach over and smack their heads together good and hard.  I can’t stress this enough: you can’t be shy about really putting a good CRACK into cracking them together.  Then, worst case scenario, they’ll usually shut up for a little while, or better yet at least one of them will lose consciousness for at least an hour or two.  Plus when they come to, seems like they end up suffering some really killer headaches themselves, which, you know, poetic justice.  SMACKED DOWN BY IRONY, BITCHES.

Of course, if your particular headaches aren’t D&U related, I don’t know what to tell you.  <shrug>

Do you believe in ghosts?‎ —@RuekieShaman

I… Hang on.

You’re asking me…if I believe in ghosts?

Rook, what planet do you live on?  We have an entire fucking FACTION of the Horde that keeps ghosts around as fucking bankers and shit.  Every been to Stratholme?  Scholomance?  Like fifteen other places I can think of right off the top of my head?  Dude, I had the ghost of my MOM following me around for a few weeks a couple years ago!  Where have YOU been?

So you know what?  Let me see your “do you believe in ghosts?” question and raise you this one:

Do you believe in goblins?

What do you do to relax? –LazyPeon

Well, let’s see.  Writing the ol’ EPIC VERSE can be a good way to unwind, unless I write myself into one of those corners where there’s something I want to say but I can’t come up with something that rhymes with “orange,” because who the fuck had the bright idea to invent a word that like NOTHING rhymes with.  And when I have a little down time between meetings and missions of conquest and, you know, tax audits and shit, back when I was starting as Warchief, I used to sneak in a few games of cribbage with Eitrigg.  Only that old guy was way too good at that game, so he usually won, and that wasn’t exactly so great for my mood.  Lately I’ve been trying to teach Malkorok how to play, but I mean, he’s good at his job and all but overall he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, and so I end up having to repeat myself a lot, and re-explain things, and that pisses me off a lot, too.  Pretty much the only thing I can think of that I found consistently relaxing, actually, was doing some barbecuing, or whipping up a big pot of something, but like I was saying a few questions ago, since becoming Warchief I haven’t had that much of a chance to do much cooking myself.  So there goes that one.

Um.  So I guess the point is that apparently I have a pretty fucking stressful life.  Thanks for reminding me, peon.  Fuck.

What are you going to do when Shay wants to date?  What if it is the Black Prince?  Or Prince Anduin? –Zugzug

I…

DON’T EVEN JOKE ABOUT THAT SHIT

ESPECIALLY THE LAST PART OF THAT SHIT

WHICH IS SHITTY SHIT EVEN BY SHIT STANDARDS HOLY SHIT

The fuck is WRONG with you people coming up with this stuff?!

So…excuse me a minute.  I think I need to go sharpen Gorehowl.

[OOC aside, because I love to tease: There is an upcoming comic, already written and partially sketched out, involving Shayari bringing a prospective boyfriend to meet Garrosh. Yes, really.]

Out of sheer curiosity, any other pastry loves *besides* lemon squares? —Aranya Ver’sarn

Lime squares.  A pale imitation, but they’ll do in a pinch.

I have also been known on occasion to pick up one of those giant chocolate chip cookies and spend the afternoon strolling around Orgrimmar munching while I’m doing my business.  One of my prouder moments, actually, was one time when I was doing that, and D and/or U, whoever the fuck because who even cares enough to remember, started bugging me about that shit, and I actually managed to knock him out by smacking him over the head WITH the giant cookie.

So, you know, that’s…wait for it…the way the cookie crumbles.  (THAT’S RIGHT, GARROSH GOT JOKES)

Has anyone turned down your lemon squares, and did they survive it? How successful were they among the draenai ladies? —@SintraEdrien

 You know, I don’t usually get in the habit of running around OFFERING the lemon squares.  People are much more likely to come rolling up on me ASKING for them, especially since word about them leaked onto the internet, and from that point, hoo boy, every motherfucker with an Azeroth Online account figured they could just hit me up for a sample, because when you make the internet easy enough for any fuckhead to use, every fuckhead will.

Where was I?

But…no.  I can’t think of anyone who ever turned down the lemon squares.  Even with as much fail as I have surrounding me in a usual day at the office, even THOSE failures don’t fail enough to fail to notice the lemony awesomeness of Greatmother’s recipe.  I would guess if they did they would pretty definitely find a way to screw up their chances with the draenei girls.  I, on the other hand, rarely have problems when I offer some sweets to the ladies, draenei or otherwise, seeing as, y’know, #TheLadiesLoveGarrosh.

Hang on.  Is Shay reading this?  Where’s that delete key again?  SPAZZLE!

How much do you weigh? –Jordyn

7’2″, 340 lbs. of pure muscle.

And bone.

And sinew.

And…internal…body part…um… organs and… kidney stones…erm… YOU GET THE POINT.

As a leader, what are the toughest decisions you have to make? Lok’tar Ogar —@DonnerB123

The toughest ones, no surprise, are the biggest ones.  Which pretty much come down to decisions of life and death.  Like…literally, who to kill and who not to kill.  Really brief cases in point: there was that time a was back (and some of you people might not even have been reading here when this was going on, which raises the question WHY THE FUCK NOT), when me and Mokvar and a few others were trapped in this alternate timeline where Dranosh Saurfang was still alive…only pretty much the only way for us to save the Horde was for me to pretty much kill him.  On the other hand… every day, here in Orgrimmar, I’m surrounded by the Dontrags and Utvochs and Lor’themars and whoever the fuck elses, one annoying fucker after another griping about nuisance after nuisance…and I have to decide NOT to kill them.  Because reasons.  I guess.

We live in an imperfect world, DonnerB123.  An ugly, imperfect world.

So . . . I simply can’t seem to get the hang of this: Is it Dontvoch and Utrag, or Dontut and Vochtrag? My head hurts . . . —@SintraEdrien

 Nobody knows, Sintra.  Nobody fucking knows.

Would you ever want to return to Nagrand? —@Malkorok_

Oh, hey, Malk.  Taking a break from reading that Cribbage for Fucking Idiots guide I gave you, huh?

Anyway… Would I want to return to Nagrand, like to visit?  Sure.  I’ve been back a couple times to see Greatmother.  Not for a while now, granted, but still.  So yeah, it would be nice to see the old place again, one of these days, when things calm down.

Return for good, though?  Doubt it.  Nagrand’s always going to be home, mind you, but my life is in Azeroth now.  The past is the past, and all that, and you can’t go back.  Well, you can, but, you know…well, don’t remind me.  FUCKING TIME TRAVEL.

When are you finally going to get married? —@Greatmom_Geyah

Oh, hey, check out the timing there.  I was just talking about you, Greatmother.

And…yeah.  Okay, Greatmother, look.  We’re all adults here, so I’m going to be real with you.  You know the old saying, right?  Why buy the cow, when you literally have dozens of hot women of every description lining up around Grommash Hold for a chance to take turns at…

Hang on.

Is Shayari reading this or not?  Can somebody go check on this for me?  Seriously.

Warchief, watch out for elven ships around durotar… Your habit of antagonizing the idiot in charge of Silvermoon could have repercussions, now that they’re stockpiling Mogu weaponry. Possibly Forsaken ships too, you KNOW those two are in bed. Figuratively. Though maybe this is the elves ending that? What do you think about this? –Ritaba

Okay… I’m not sure if this is actually a question, but… Let me put it this way, Ritaba.  Ask me again how worried I am about Regent-Lord Hair-Care rising up like an avenging demon (*chortle*) and rallying his wrathful people (*guffaw*) to unleash a blood wave of vengeance on me.

Yeah.  Like zero…

Dear Warchief- could you pleeeease appoint us a leader? Ever since the last Sunstrider went wacko on us, we’ve been lost… —@SintraEDrien

 …aaaaaand here’s case in point as to why.

What is your favorite place in all of Azeroth? –Orgrimmar Travel Agency

You know what?  You probably wouldn’t guess this, but Mulgore.  I really like Mulgore.  Reminds me of Nagrand a lot — rolling plains, open skies, all that kind of thing.

Honorable mention for weekends and vacations: What happens at Gallywix’s Pleasure Palace, stays at Gallywix’s Pleasure Palace.

Least favorite: Ashenvale.  I hate Ashenvale.  For multiples reasons, most of which revolve the same fel-forsaken part of it.

Warchief, I must know,
Much is known of the Kor’kron’s activities in Pandaria, and the Blackrock clan’s work in Orgrimmar and abroad. But what of your Warsong clan? They have been inactive since the Cataclysm, as far as anyone can tell. Do you have any big plans for them coming up? –Grottee Metalbeard, goblin shaman

Now see, I can understand how this could have caused some confusion.  Because yeah, the Warsong clan came with me up to Northrend, and they represented a big chunk of our forces when I was in command up there.  And then in the time right after the Cataclysm, they were pretty active in Ashenvale (which is not, I might have mentioned, on my list of Favorite Places Ever).  And so, yeah, since then, I can see how it might look to you like they’ve gone fairly inactive, but that’s just because the clan hasn’t been operating as much as a singular force.  See, before I became Warchief, I was chieftain of the clan, so they represented the main bulk of the forces under my command.  Now, though, I have ALL the orcish clans under my jurisdiction, so there isn’t as much need for me to be lining up jobs for the Warsong specifically.  They’ve been keeping busy, just not in a way that makes you go “the Warsong orcs are doing THIS over THERE.”  Some of them were part of Nazgrim’s detachment heading down to Pandaria, a lot of them have been recruited into the ranks of the Kor’kron along with more than a few Blackrocks, others have been assigned to some other operations I have going on around Orgrimmar.  So they’re just getting around more.  Spread the love!  And by “love,” I mean, of course, “bloody fist of retribution.”

If Varian begged for mercy would you? a: mock him, b: cut off his head, c: take over SW, d: all of the above —@SintraEDrien

Sorry, I can’t get past the first five words without cackling maniacally so hard I fall out of my chair.

Heh. Heheh.

HAAAAA!

What’s your earliest memory? —@LibFeathers

You know, my VERY earliest memories aren’t really specific memories of particular events, just the sort of odds and ends that most people remember.  My childhood in Nagrand, obviously — I can remember back, vaguely, to when I was around five or so.  My mom was still alive then, so I remember her, and I remember us fighting through the red pox as best we could…which, let me tell you, SUCKED.  There was the pet clefthoof I had back then, y’know, before meat supplies started getting thin that one winter, and there was me getting to be friends with Dranosh.  We hung out a lot back then, fishing and hunting and stuff — me and Dranosh and Jorin Deadeye, actually, back before Jorin turned out to be a dick.  Um… probably my earliest memories of specific events all revolved around my mom — the day when Greatmother told me she’d died, for one.  And one, a little while before that, back when the pox was still going on.  I’d woken up from this nightmare, and she and I stayed up a while talking about it, and it’s nothing really momentous or even important, but it was just one of those little things that stick with you, you know?  Anyway…that’s it for early memories.  Not fun, I know.  But like…if something’d going to stick in your head from THAT young, it’s almost always going to be something bad, right?

By any chance would you be willing to add any pandaren cultural festivals to be acknowledged? Brewfest does not count. —@ShenWeiPureblossom

Funny coincidence — you should totally go talk to Ji about this.  I’ve heard he was talking to some of the other pandas about carrying over some custom you guys had on your wandering turtle island whatever-the-fuck is was, some kind of outdoor festival with noodles or something?  Check in with Lunchbox about this, he could probably use a hand setting it up.  Hell, I might even try to whip something up myself for it, if it happens.  Like I’ve been saying, it’s been too long since I got in the kitchen.

[More OOC teasing: This is indeed on the way. In the not-too-distant future, the Pandaren Noodle Festival comes to Orgrimmar, in a comic/transcript featuring… well… almost the entire damn supporting cast.]

Hail Warchief Hellscream! It has been some time since I have found the time to reply to your writings as things have been quite busy up in Hearthglen lately. Especially with the arrival of his gracious young Highness, Prince Anduin, while he convalesces at Mardenholde for a time. Something about a bell, if I recall. Anyway, onto the question before I tarry on too long.

I had heard from a rather reliable source who would prefer anonymity that some months ago, you suffered from an invasion in Orgrimmar. Was this true, and what occurred? —Tirion Fordring

Oh geez…here we go.  Well, at least T-Ford managed to keep it under 5000 words.

So…yeah.  I don’t know if I would call it an INVASION, but… a little while back, yeah, there was…an incident.  This goes back a few months… May, I think?  Anyway, I’m hanging around in Grommash Hold, right?  Just minding my own business, plotting world domination, same ol’ same ol’.  A regular day at the office.  When all of a sudden, out of like NOWHERE, these gnomes start running into the place.  And at first, I’m like, DAMMIT MALKOROK, how about some security up in this piece, but then I see the sheer NUMBER of them — there’s hundreds of these motherfuckers.  Maybe even THOUSANDS of them.  Which, if you know how I feel about gnomes, was just filling me with a level of glee that could have wiped out all life in the universe.

Thing of it is, this wasn’t some actual invasion or ATTACK from the fuckers down in Gnomergan, or…wherever they fuck they’re living these days.  The part of Gnome-ville that’s not fucking glowing from radiation and shit.  Anyhow, THESE gnomes are all like…the noobiest, weakest, saddest little excuses for underpowered gnomes you’ve ever seen — and seriously, do you KNOW how fucking SAD someone has to be for me to be forced to coin the phrase “underpowered gnomes”?

And so in they come, in sheer numbers too big for the guards to stop them all on the way in — though, believe me, if you saw the trail of bodies you’d know they fucking TRIED — and they come flooding like rats into Grommash Hold, only if they were rats I might actually worry about it more because FLEAS.  And here’s the punchline — when they finally got close to me, you know what they’re big finishing move was?  They all kept trying to hug and kiss me.  Like my foot or some shit.  Until I popped a bladestorm, and, you know, eight trillion dead gnomes.

Which is a beautiful way to line up four words, I gotta say.

Do you like to dance? –Jordyn

Draw your own conclusions.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oc0DmOHSQ4w

Do you think that maybe Mokvar and Deliana were ever married in a previous life? They seem so . . . together. —@SintraEDrien

DUDE, I don’t know WHAT the fuck to think about those two.  Would it SURPRISE me?  No.  I am WAY past the point where fucking ANYTHING could surprise me around here.  So much weird shit has gone on around here the last few years, I consider NOTHING off the menu.  Mokvar and that human chick married?  Sure, maybe.  Half-draenei daughter from years back turns up at the front door?  Why the fuck not?  Ji Deep-Dish floats around in a fucking balloon and gets his pudgy ass stuck in a honey tree?  Sounds normal to me.  For real, man, at this point fucking Draz’Zilb the ogre could show up riding Onyxia, who’s been reanimated for like the forty-seventh time as far as anybody can count, with Anduin on a leash dressed like in a bear suit, and when Draz belches Anduin’s been conditioned to tell a knock-knock joke, and my reaction would be “Yeah, sure, why didn’t I see it coming?”  WELCOME TO AZEROTH, WHERE THE BOTTOMLESS CUP OF WHAT THE FUCK FLOWS FREELY IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

Warchief, I really loved your poem about your pet clefthoof, it really brought a tear to my eye. Could you please share another sample of your EPIC VERSE from your childhood back in Garadar? –Khizzara

Hmm… okay, let me dig out the old journal and see if I can find something for you.  Now, keep in mind, my poems back in those days weren’t nearly as polished, but let’s see…

Okay.

There was a little orc
Who ate a little pork
Over in the breakfast nook
And when he was bad
He wished that he was good
Cause Greatmom’s got a mean right hook

EPIC VERSE!

Wait… that’s… yeah, that one maybe doesn’t come off looking so good.

Um… I’ll see what else I can find.

When will you ever figure out that the constant stream of adventurers coming to annoy you about gold were sent from me? —@M_Grimtotem

OH FUCK YOU, MAGATHA

So for anyone who missed this, a ways back, Madame Upright Hamburger here stirred up some shit on Twitter, where she went on about having hidden a stash of gold somewhere in my damn throne room, and offering it as a giveaway to anyone who could find it.  Which set off a borderline-noob-gnome-like influx of random motherfuckers running into Grommash Hold and trying to turn the damn place upside down looking for the loot.  So finally, FINALLY, after Malkorok and his people rounded up and fucking executed like I don’t even know how many of these people, my throne room stopped being the hot spot for random asshats to go hang out.  You know, aside from the random asshats who hang out there professionally.  And before anybody starts getting all excited, let me reiterate: THERE IS NO TREASURE HIDDEN IN MY THRONE ROOM, OKAY?  Seriously.  The last thing I want to have happen a little ways down the road is like another ten or fifteen or twenty-five random people to come running through into my command room expecting to collect loot.

What’s the latest between you and Zaela? —@MyGarona

Look, Greatmom, I’ve told you, stop trying to… wait.

Garona?

Seriously?

Jealous much?

Look, there’s nothing going on with me and Zaela, okay?

…that you need to concern yourself with.

<waggle>

What’s the deal with people thinking Mokvar and I are a couple? No matter how many times I try, I can’t convince ANYONE! —Deliana Hawthorne

Because, see, Lor’themar can say he’s a dude, and he can call himself a dude, and he can stroll around all day in dude’s clothes and using all the right pronouns and shit, and he can talk himself red in the face trying to tell everybody he’s a dude, but at the end of the day, people with eyes and still look at him and see that he’s Lor’themar.

Also, who the hell let HER in here?  MALK!  How about some security, dammit?!

What’s your favorite tipple? Beer? Wine? Liquor? If any, what variety do you enjoy in particular? —@SintraEDrien

Holy shit, Sintra, you’ve sure got a lot of questions.

I’m pretty simple as far as my drinking tastes go.  Beer and grog, a some rum on occasion.  They have some pretty good varieties out of Stranglethorn, so I’ll pick up a bottle or two when I have the chance.  Maybe a little cherry grog on occasion, but that’s about as fancy as I get with it.  Although, you want to know who’s MAJORLY into the weird fruity drinks, like those ones that come with the little umbrellas every single time like there’s a fucking law prohibiting their sale without them, like drinking the drink has a chance of proccing rain and the damn umbrella has to be included as a fucking safety measure?  Malkorok.  No joke.  Dude can’t suck down enough of that shit.

Your guess is as good as mine.

Why don’t you like us? We just want to help. —@Dontrag_Utvoch

Do you want me to get into the list chronologically, alphabetically, or in order of importance?

You know what?  It’s not even worth it.  It’s like…fuck, it’s like trying to explain to the damn wolf pup why you’re yelling at it two hours after it peed on the carpet.  What’s even the fucking point?

Although…you know what’s funny?  Check it: Damned if I can remember which of these fuckers is which, but I know, rank-wise, Dontrag is a sergeant, and Utvoch is a scout.  Now it’s kinda-sorta funny that after like nine years in the Horde military, Utvoch still hasn’t managed to get promoted above the absolute lowest possible rank there is.  Like, the day you show up, they make you a scout, and here he is a decade later and he’s STILL only managed to keep himself half a rung up from peon.

So that’s good for a chuckle.  But you want to know the disturbing part?  Back when I first met General Nazgrim, in Northrend, dude was rank sergeant.  So that means that until I took over and started doing promotions and reassignments, fucking DONTRAG AND NAZGRIM WERE THE SAME DAMN RANK.

On the other hand, I suppose we don’t know for sure that Dontrag COULDN’T steer a ship in a straight line without crashing it, so…

Anyhow.  Okay, one more, so let’s see what we’ve got to wrap up.

When are we going to hear the rest of @Mokvar_Scribe‘s tale? The people want answers! —Deliana Hawthorne

Wait, her again?  DAMMIT MALKOROK, GET ON THIS!

But, okay, to answer your question:

Starting…NOW.*

That’s it for questions for tonight.  Thanks to all of my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS for contributing, and to all of my enemies who came by, FUCK YOU ALL BUT THANKS FOR THE PAGEVIEWS, NOW HIT RFRESH A FEW MORE TIMES THEN CROAK.

I’m out, people.  More soon.

* * * * *

*VERY soon, in fact — as an added perk for those of you who’ve stayed this late into the going, well…count to ten, click back to the main page, and rejoin the ongoing tale of Mokvar, Garrosh, and more!

Meanwhile, for those of you coming late to the party, don’t worry, you haven’t missed your chance to pose your questions to the Warchief — there’s always his monthly mailbag!  Next edition coming March 2!  Feel free to e-mail, or use the handy-dandy form below:

30 Days of Character Development #7: Mokvar

Posted in 30 Days of Character Development with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 25, 2014 by Garrosh Hellscream

[Periodically, a post will profile one of the blog’s many supporting players.  (See the first profile for more details.)  Feel free to chime in with recommendations for other characters you’d like to see more about.]

 

mokvar_profile1Name:  Mokvar

Occupation:  Scribe; former advisor to the Warchief; former mercenary; currently between gigs, as it were.

Race:  Orc

Class:  Warlock (currently and formerly), shaman (formerly)

Age:  44

Group affiliations:  Horde (former citizen, currently banished), Earthen Ring (former member), Veiled Blade (former member)

Known relatives:  Drulla (mother, deceased), Vokmar (father, deceased), ex-wife (heretofore unnamed)

Earth Online notes:  Founding member and officer of Garrosh’s guild <Warchief>; presumably demoted from officer status since falling out of good graces with Garrosh, though it’s currently unclear if he’s actually been demoted or gkicked.  Main toon is Bartleby (class unknown); has at least one alt, LamontCranston (not a member of <Warchief> and unknown by most of the guild, possibly all but Spazzle).

First appearance:  “Visiting Ashenvale” (first mention), “Underneath the bunker” (first transcript)

mokvarprofile2Key posts and plot points:

  • Garrosh first mentioned Mokvar in the very early days of the blog, during an inspection trip to Ashenvale.  After completing an aerial bombing run over Astralaan, the Warchief was most irate that Mokvar wasn’t able to adequately sketch him walking away from the resulting explosions; Garrosh ordered Mokvar back to Orgrimmar to train up inscription under pain of, well, pain.  (Interestingly, the job of keeping visual records of some of Garrosh’s expolits would eventually fall to Gurtash in the form of his comics.)
  • Mokvar would return a few weeks later in “Underneath the bunker” to record the first of many transcripts of the Warchief’s dealings.  (Also of note is that this transcript marked the first appearance of Dontrag and Utvoch.)  From that point on, Mokvar would frequently accompany the Warchief in his adventures, recording Garrosh’s discussions with such luminaries as Tirion Fordring (“Where did all the words go?”), Mylune (not once but twice), Garona and Johnny Awesome (“Awesome job, Mokvar”).
  • Mokvar traveled back in time to old Hillsbrad with Garrosh, Liadrin, Faranell, and Utvoch in an attempt to trace the origin of a magic “anti-plague” that was devastating the Forsaken (The Anti-Plague of Southshore).  While there, Faranell switched places with a past version of himself and inadvertently set off a series of events that would eventually cause massive disruptions to the timeline (Timequake).  In the ensuing chaos, Mokvar was one of the only people to be aware of the changes that had occurred, and helped the Warchief reset history to its proper course.  To this day, Mokvar remains one of the only people – along with Garrosh, Liadrin, and Faranell – who remembers the events that transpired in the other timeline.  (Okay, yes, Utvoch remembers, too…but would you really bet your next paycheck on him understanding any of it?)
  • Just before Garrosh left for Pandaria, Mokvar was attacked and killed under mysterious circumstances (“Death of the author”), though his death was made temporary by his ability to ankh as a shaman.  This brush with death marked the beginning of the Mokvar saga that continues to this day; a detailed, post-by-post account can be found here, but here’s the semi-sorta-short version: In his mercenary days before coming to Orgrimmar, when he was a member of the Veiled Blade, Mokvar had acquired, then disposed of, a powerful warlock relic called the Nether Prism; now, years later, the Prism’s prior owner (the drakonid lord Valthalak) has sent spectral assassins after Mokvar in an effort to recover his prize.  Mokvar reunited with old mercenary friend Deliana to try to recover the Prism, then launched into a run of suspicious, erratic behavior – traveling to Ironforge under diplomatic cover, then being charged with the murder of one of its citizens; turning for aid to Neeru Fireblade, then, even more damningly, Magatha Grimtotem; breaking out of Orgrimmar while under arrest, leading to his eventual banishment from the Horde.
  • mokvarprofile4After Mokvar disappeared from Orgrimmar, he remained off the grid for several months, save for elemental indications to fellow shaman Spazzle that he may have met his final demise.  Ji Firepaw, however, wasn’t willing to give up hope for Mokvar’s survival (and rightly so – did anyone really think that I was not only going to kill off Mokvar, but do so off-screen? Really?), and continued investigating Mokvar’s whereabouts.  Ji’s search eventually led him to Blackrock Spire, where Mokvar made his dramatic, fel-infused return in “The scouring of the Spire.”
  • True story: I originally introduced Mokvar not even as a real character, but as a plot device to justify inclusion of the transcripts.  I realized early on that I wanted to include dialogue in the blog, but I didn’t feel like it would fit stylistically to have Garrosh writing it out as it would appear in a novel – one thing I try to maintain (with ranging degrees of success) is the appearance that Garrosh really is writing everything in the blog, as a blog, rather than a short-story-but-we’ll-call-it-a-blog-even-though-we-know-it’s-really-not-wink-wink.  Mokvar as a scribe provided an excuse to include that extra material.  Another true story: When I was first choosing Garrosh’s scribe, I pretty much went into Grommash Hold and semi-randomly picked someone who looked like he didn’t have much else to do. Who knew?
  • For the fashion/transmog-minded among you: Mokvar’s warlock attire is roughly based on the Tier 9 warlock set.
  • Mokvar’s Earth Online character, Bartleby, is a reference to the title character in Herman Melville’s short story “Bartleby the Scrivener.”  (Scrivener = scribe!)  Mokvar likewise references the story on a few occasions when repeats Bartleby’s signature line, “I would prefer not to.”
  • For anyone who hasn’t pieced it together by this point: Mokvar’s close connection to Deliana is based on their parallel in-game roles.  Pre-Cataclysm, Mokvar (in Orgrimmar) and Deliana (in Ironforge) were the questgivers who sent adventurers on the (very long and painful) quest chains to upgrade the old “Tier 0.5” dungeon sets.  The two characters offered essentially the same quests, which provided the basis for much of the in-blog backstory about Lord Valthalak.  (Valthalak’s spirit was the end boss for that quest chain, by the way, and for anyone who missed it during vanilla, fighting him at level was a NIGHTMARE.)

In his own words:

In there one event or happening you would like to erase from your past? Why?

My last job with the Veiled Blade, when we went into Blackrock Spire to collect Valthalak’s goodies.  It turned out to be nothing but trouble, and cost most of us our lives – all of us, in fact, other than me and Deliana.  (And strictly speaking, it cost me my life, too; it just didn’t stick. So, congratulations to Deliana for being the last one left standing. Was anyone running a pool?)

What’s your favorite ice cream flavor? Color? Song? Flower?

Tigule and Foror’s Lok’tar S’more-gar.  Cerulean blue.  The Lokvad’nod Broxigari.  Any daisies I’m not pushing up.

Who do you trust?

After everything we’ve been through, I trust Deliana with my life.  The same goes for Ji and Spazzle.  I trust Thrall and Eitrigg implicitly, and I’ll probably always be grateful to Thrall for giving me a safe haven all those years ago.  I trust Liadrin for her judgment, Saurfang for general badassery, and Garrosh…well, I trust Garrosh to be Garrosh.

mokvarprofile3How are you with technology? Super savvy, or way behind the times? Letters or email?

I’m no Spazzle, but I’m good enough with technology to get by.  I’m not really what you would call tech literate in the broad sense, but I do okay with specific tasks on specific devices; once I learn how to do something, I’m usually fine, but then I don’t like to stray too far from what I know, even if something new and better comes along.  I still prefer to write by hand, but I usually end up having to type things out – people are always complaining about my handwriting.

How do you react to temperature changes such as extreme heat and cold?

Heat doesn’t bother me at all.  I hardly even notice it.  Cold, on the other hand… spirits, I hate the cold.  You could not have paid me enough money to go to Northrend.

Are you an early morning bird or a night owl?

Neither, really.  I have pretty strange sleep habits: I usually tend to sleep for 2-3 hours at a time, scattered around random times in the day.  It’s a holdover from my mercenary days, when we would often have to be on the move on short notice; I developed the ability to sneak in what sleep I could when I could, and it’s stayed with me.  So now you’re equally likely to catch me awake at some odd hour in the middle of the night, or asleep in the middle of the day.  It’s the main reason why I don’t like surprise visitors.  That and the recent habit that surprise visitors have been getting into of trying to kill me.

What’s your preferred means of travel?

On wolfback.  I like feeling my feet on the ground…or at least my wolf’s feet, indirectly.  If I have to fly, I’d rather take a zeppelin or gunship.  I’ve never gotten completely comfortable on a wyvern (although I still prefer them to bats or dragonhawks or…well, I don’t know how people manage to keep their balance on those carpets).  I’ll fly on one if I need to, and I have lots of times – it just makes me uneasy while I’m up there.

If you could time travel, where would you go?

Don’t even joke about that.

Are you superstitious?

I definitely believe that there’s something out there that’s either looking out for me, or has it in for me.  I’m still not sure which.  Check back with me again another time.  Unless I’m dead, in which case we probably have our answer.

What might your ideal romantic partner be?

Someone calm, grounded.  Stable.  Not prone to emotional swings or extreme highs and lows.  Someone who’s figured themselves out, gotten comfortable with themselves, grown out of the drama and the need for everything to be a thrill ride.

If your life were a genre, what would it be?

Pretty definitely something in the action/adventure area, or at least a suspense thriller.  Be careful what you wish for, I suppose.  Sometimes I think I should have listened to my mother and been a banker instead.  When I was younger, I couldn’t wait to go out into the world and have adventures.  Thirty years of adventures later, I think I’ve had more than enough excitement.  I’d love to be bored.  I’d love to settle down comfortably in a quiet corner of Orgrimmar once we get to the other side of all this, and age into some old man who everyone considers pretty dull and uninteresting, except for every so often when he rattles off another one of his crazy stories — which most of the kids probably won’t believe really happened anyway.  I think I’ll enjoy that.

 

Previous Profiles:

  1. Spazzle Fizzletrinket
  2. Ben-Lin Cloudstrider
  3. Dontrag and Utvoch
  4. Taktani
  5. Korrina
  6. Mylune

30 Days of Character Development #3: D&U

Posted in 30 Days of Character Development with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 12, 2014 by Garrosh Hellscream

[Each week, a post will profile one of the blog’s many supporting players.  (See the first profile for more details.)  Since I didn’t get around to posting a profile last week, this time around I’m making up for it with a double of sorts.  Feel free to chime in with recommendations for other characters you’d like to see more about!]

 

d-and-u_profileNamesDontrag and Utvoch

Occupation:  Horde infantry soldiers (ranks: Dontrag—Sergeant; Utvoch—Scout)

AgeDontrag—31; Utvoch—29

Race:  Orc

Class:  Warrior

Group affiliations:  Horde (members), Overlord Krom’gar’s army (former members)

Known relativesDontrag—Adrasa (sister), Ug’thok (nephew); Utvoch—Krila (aunt)

Earth Online notes:  D&U play EO with mains GilbertRose (Dontrag) and SteveKravitz (Utvoch), and are members of Garrosh’s guild <Warchief>.  Utvoch briefly changed his character’s name to “Dranosh,” but was roundly criticized for the name choice, because really.  He reversed the name change shortly thereafter.  Also, guildmate Sylvanas Windrunner appears to take particular amusement in baiting the duo into arguments about which of them is which.

First appearance:  “Visiting Zoram’gar” (first mention), “Underneath the bunker” (first full transcript appearance)

Key posts and plot points:

  • An unsuspecting Garrosh first encountered Dontrag and Utvoch at Silverwind Refuge in “Visiting Zoram’gar” and dispatched them to join Overlord Krom’gar’s forces in Stonetalon.  He would later encounter them during his investigation of Krom’gar’s operations in “Underneath the bunker” – featuring D&U in supporting roles in Mokvar’s first transcript.
    (D&U can be found in-game both at Silverwind Refuge and in the Deep Reaches beneath Krom’gar’s fortress.  In the latter instance, they’re joined by goblin questgiver Blastgineer Igore; blog readers may take a certain amusement in Igore’s quest-text commentary on our cerebrally challenged friends.)
  • After Krom’gar’s “dismissal,” D&U remained stationed in Stonetalon, under the command of newly appointed Overlord Cliffwalker.  They were frequently recalled to Orgrimmar and other locations for various missions, but remained officially assigned to Cliffwalker in Stonetalon prior to their dispatch to Pandaria.
  • Evidently, according to a letter from D&U in one mailbag, Utvoch has (or had) enrolled in some extension courses, including diplomatic writing.  Academic records from the undertaking have not been released.  At one point, Utvoch convinced Dontrag to take a class with him, but the pair failed the course when they were caught handing in the same paper.  To the same instructor.  Yes, really.
  • Utvoch – sans Dontrag – traveled to old Hillsbrad, ten years in the past, with Garrosh, Mokvar, Liadrin, and Faranell during the Anti-Plague of Southshore storyline.  Like the other members of the group, Utvoch later found himself trapped between two fluctuating timelines; Garrosh and Mokvar noted, with no small degree of amusement, that this situation likely led to many confusing discussions between Utvoch and Dontrag.
  • Utvoch met and befriended Taktani in Mulgore just before she started writing in to Garrosh’s mailbag; Dontrag would meet her as well not long after.  Since Taktani’s arrival in Pandaria, Garrosh has charged D&U with keeping an eye on Tak and generally helping her navigate the complexities of the adult world, a job that Utvoch appears to have taken to somewhat more enthusiastically than Dontrag has.
  • Many people, Garrosh prime among them, frequently lose track of who is Dontrag and who is Utvoch – which is actually rather peculiar, given that they don’t really look very much alike.  Sylvanas, in guild chat, seems to understand which of them is which, but deliberately baits them into arguments on the subject anyway.
  • Regular readers will be well aware of Garrosh’s habit of giving people (often dismissive) nicknames.  Dontrag and Utvoch are among his most frequent targets; some of his favorites for them include the Dumbass Duo, Ketchup and Mustard, and the Wonder Twins.

In their own words:

dontragutvoch

Describe your relationship with your mother or your father or both.  Was it good?  Bad?  Were you spoiled rotten, ignored?  Do you still get along now, or no?

I didn’t know my father.  I think he was killed in the attack on Shattrath.  I got along pretty well with my mother, though.  She always used to tell me how I could be anything I wanted to be and accomplish anything I set my mind to.  Then I started working with the trainers and she had her first parent conference.  After that she mostly saved the thing about being whatever you want for my sister.  –Dontrag

I don’t really remember my parents.  They both died in the first war after the Dark Portal opened.  My aunt ended up raising me until I was old enough to fend for myself.  –Utvoch

How vain are you?  Do you find yourself attractive?

I guess I was a little vain for a while, during that year in the Barrens when I was trying to get away with the comb-over.  I started losing my hair early and it took a while for me to accept that I wasn’t fooling anyone.  –Dontrag

I don’t think I’m bad looking or anything, but I don’t really think I’m anything special.  Luckily I spend most of my time hanging out with this guy, so I figure I must end up looking like at least a 7.  –Utvoch

What are your most prominent physical features?

My thick, full head of hair.  –Utvoch

Screw you, Ut.  –Dontrag

Name one scar you have, and tell us where it came from.  If you don’t have any, is there a reason?

Well, I’ve got this one scar on my forehead, on the right side.  I was trying to explain which of us was which that time in Karazhan, and, um…well, the Warchief kind of got impatient and backhanded me. –Dontrag

C7_4-2

I’ve got one across my left cheek.  It’s just above the line of my beard, so I don’t think you would really notice it unless you were looking for it.  I got it when I got those people killed by that yeti in Hillsbrad because I accidentally went out of my way to kill a giant moth, and the Warchief got really mad and belted me.  Although the worst part was how he yelled.  He got that tone that he gets.  –Utvoch

Oh, yeah, I’ve got one on my face, too, right under my left eye, from that time the Warchief—  Wait a minute, when you said to name them, did you mean you wanted us to name them name them?  In that case, I think I’ll call the one under my eye Al.  –Dontrag

I think I’ll name mine Dranosh.  It means “Heart of Draenor” in orcish.  –Utvoch

Everybody knows that, you idiot.  And it’s still not cool to use that name.  Anyway, for the one on my forehead, maybe I’ll name that one The Reminder.  –Dontrag

I don’t get it.  But I love the idea of a name that’s “The” something.  I have to remember that if I ever have kids.  –Utvoch

What does your desk/workspace look like?  Are you neat or messy?

Depends on which of us used it last.  I try to keep our desk sort of organized back at the barracks.  Donty’s a slob, though.  I always end up having to pick up after him.  It’s like having a second job half the time.  –Utvoch

Depends on which of us used it last.  It’s not so much that I’m messy, really – it’s more me being lazy.  I don’t care enough to put in the extra effort to put everything in order.  And I mean, I would if I had to, but I figured out a long time ago that Ut’s compulsive enough that if I just leave it alone, he’ll do it eventually himself.  So, like, it’s not so much that I’m messy as I delegate well.  –Dontrag

Do you have any irrational fears?

Other than the Warchief getting a little madder than usual one day and stabbing me?  Fire makes me antsy.  I always get nervous around fire mages.  Or mages casting fireballs in general.  I always get this weird creepy feeling like I’m about to get torched–Dontrag

Owls freak me out.  Not even, like, giant ones, either.  Although those are even freakier.  Just plain old regular owls.  The way they stare at you, and plus, when they go “who!”, I always feel like they’re mocking me and Donty.  –Utvoch

If you could time travel, where would you go?

Probably old Hillsbrad, since I didn’t get to go last time, just to see what the big deal was.  –Dontrag

Maybe back to that time we went back to old Hillsbrad, and let Donty go instead?  That whole thing was really confusing, and I think the Warchief got even madder with me than usual, and plus there was that whole thing with the end of the world, which wasn’t a whole lot of fun.  –Utvoch

What might your ideal romantic partner be?

I won’t lie.  I’ve always had a thing for tauren women.  Can’t resist them.  (It’s the hooves.)  –Utvoch

You are a sick, sick orc, Ut.  –Dontrag

Oh bother

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , on November 27, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

You know how, after Pilgrim’s Bounty, you always wind up having so much leftover turkey and stuffing and whatnot that you look in your kitchen and think, “How am I EVER going to eat all this stuff?”  And then the answer ends up being that you eat that shit for every meal every day until you get so sick of it you swear you’re never going to eat turkey again for as long as you live?

Yeah, well let me tell you, having a bunch of pandaren around fixes that problem DAMN quick.  I don’t know what this “Huojin” thing is that these pandas all belong to, but I wouldn’t be surprised at all if “Huojin” turned out to translate as “Are you going to finish that?”

Anyway, speaking of the pandas, Ji Firepaw has been taking his people around Kalimdor to get the lay of the land, chip in to help where they can (read: busywork), and get some experience for the greener pandas in the group.  And that’s all good, but I’m also starting to get the distinct impression that Ji is going to be a whole bunch of work.  Case in point: earlier today he was taking some of the Panda Brigade around in Ashenvale when he spotted some bees buzzing around the top of a tree.  And I figure ol’ Ji must have thought to himself, “The only reason for there to be bees is for them to make honey.  And the only reason for them to make honey is so I can eat it.”  Because, you know, always thinking with his stomach.

So, from what the other pandas tell me, Ji tried to climb up the tree, but that wasn’t happening because cellulite, so he came running back to Orgrimmar to get working on Plan B.  And you know that hot air balloon that the pandas used to come here from the Wandering Isle?  The one that they’ve got hovering over their digs in the Valley of Honor?  Yeah, well, Ji hopped on up onto the balloon, and back to Ashenvale he went.

All of this for some damn honey, by the way.  You realize we have, like, vendors selling the shit by the case, right?

But boy oh boy, Ji didn’t think of that, because apparently you just don’t fucking think straight when you’re a panda who hasn’t eaten in like five minutes.  So off he went with his balloon, and floated his way over to Ashenvale and right on up to the honey tree, and wound up dangling himself from the balloon trying to reach in for his snack.  And you know what he found out?  Brace yourselves: BEES DON’T FUCKING LIKE IT WHEN YOU MESS WITH THEIR HONEY.  Can you believe that shit?

So now Ji’s dangling up there while trying to swat bees away from himself, and all his thrashing around sends the balloon floating away from the bee hive and crashing into ANOTHER tree.  And get this — in the process, he managed to fly right into a hole in THAT tree, and jam himself in there right up to the waist, nice and tight.

Seriously, I like Ji, he seems like a good guy and all, but could dude be any more of a cartoon character?

Anyway, it was at this point that all of Ji’s panda buddies came scrambling into Grommash Hold to ask for help, so I headed over to check on the absurdity in progress.  I flew up with Mortimer to where Ji’d gotten himself stuck and tried to yank him out, without much luck.  I tried giving him a talking to while I was up there, but I think it fell on deaf ears — I was like, “Dude, did the thought never cross your mind that the bees might not like you fucking with their hive?”, but all he had to say was “Well, you can never tell with bees.”

It was pretty clear by then that we weren’t going to pull Ji out of the tree from up there, so I called in a few peons from the Warsong Lumber Camp to chop the damn tree down.

Ji broke three ribs and an arm in the fall.  “Bouncy” my ass.

Punch line, by the way?  Turns out, the hole in the second tree was actually home to a second bee hive.  I don’t know where THOSE bees went off to, whether they got knocked out of the tree when Ji went careening into it, or if they saw the ridiculousness happening and went “Fuck this shit, we’re out,” or what.  But they were long gone, which meant that while we were busy trying to get Ji down, he was busy stuffing his face with honey.  So even when we got the tree down, fat lot of good — literally — trying to pull Ji out.  Instead, the Warsong boys just cut away as much of the tree as possible around Ji…who’s going to be stuck walking around wearing a nice snug wooden belt until his newly mandated diet starts to kick in.

Pandas.

Monday mailbag

Posted in Mailbag with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 5, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

So now that THAT whole pain in the ass down in Karazhan is over with, it’s time to get to some overdue mail.  Hopefully now that I’m out of the Opera House, nobody will spontaneously burst into song.  Although, true fact: much to my surprise, Utvoch turns out to have a downright enchanting singing voice.  Who knew?

Anyway, let’s have a look at what we’ve got this time around…

 

Hail, Warchief!

Nothing much to say, but … OOOOHHHHHH YEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHH!

Naysayers there may be, but they should know this: Theramore was an intact government center, a base for munitions and supplies, and an important logistical link for Alliance forces in the Barrens. It is now none of these things.

(And bonus points for anyone who can recognize the EO NPC I swiped the quote from!)

–A Concerned Citizen

Hey, ACC.  Glad you had a good time on the Theramore mission.

That said…look, I’m glad that you’re all-in for this war with the Alliance, and believe you me, it’s nice to have frigging SOMEBODY around here who doesn’t go all “pooh-pooh, oh heavens, how could you, Garrosh?” over every single act of war taken against the fuckers with whom, you know, we’re at war.  So that’s all good stuff.

But dude…you’re REALLY enjoying this a little too much.  Dial down the bloodthirsty just a LITTLE, will you?  And seriously, do you really understand how bad it has to be to make ME have to say that?

Also, I totally know where you got that quote from, but I’ll hold off on saying anything so everyone else can have a crack at it in the comments or the next batch of letters.  I’ll give you all a hint, though — the NPC that ACC is riffing on isn’t someone you interact with directly in the game, but he shows up in one of those cut scenes that they use to fill in some of the in-game backstory.  Now have at it, lore nerds — AND NO GOOGLING!

 

This letter arrives with the crumbling remains of what might have once been a piece of cake, and when opened, fills the reader’s lap with loose glitter. It is written in multiple colors of ink, liberally dusted with more glitter. In the margins are sketches, mostly of Ashenvale, though orcs feature prominently near the bottom. The handwriting is shaky and wanders across the page, but is mostly legible.

Deer Mr Warcheif Sir,

It was my berth-day yestirday! I am 20. I had lots of cak. I sent you sum. I hop you like it. After cak, Mr Hi Cheiftin Bane askd me to go to Ashnval. He wasnt mad that I drew on his reports. Evryon else was tho. They all got so mad when they saw. All I did was mak them pretti! Mr Banes reports wer just wirds, lots and lots and lots and lots of wirds, and thats boring. I mad them less boring. But they all got mad. So after they gav me cak they had Mr Bane ask me to go to Ashnval. Its pretti in Ashnval! Its all sparkli and glittri! I hop you like glittr. I sent you sum. And I met Mr U agin! He told me what you sed, Mr Warcheif Sir. He red it from a glowi thing he sed was calld a kumputr. I want a kumputr to. They look lik fun. He was playng what he called Urth Onlin. That looks lik fun to. He sed you play Urth Onlin to, Mr Warcheif Sir. Can I play to?

The letter is signed with an inked pawprint and the name “Taktani” in multicolored inks. 

Hoo boy.

Okay, well, maybe it’s just my imagination, but I think her spelling is at least a little better than last time.

Slightly.

Okay, yeah, maybe not.  HEAD HURTS.

Luckily, I think I’ve got a way to make this a little less painful, courtesy of Spazzle.  See, the little green dude’s been tinkering around with a computer app that converts other languages and dialects into Common, so maybe we can give it a whirl and see what we get.  Here goes…

Taktani said:  It was my berth-day yestirday! I am 20. I had lots of cak. I sent you sum. I hop you like it.
TranslationMaster 2000 says:  Yesterday was my 20th birthday.  I had lots of cake.  I’ve sent you some.  I hope you like it.

Okay, so far so good.  So first of all, happy birthday, I guess, as of like a month ago, based on the date of this letter.

Second of all, yeah, I like cake, but like…this stuff you enclosed in the letter?  That shit ain’t cake.  Maybe it was cake when you sent it, but it sure as hell isn’t cake now.  Now it’s like the Granular Substance Formerly Known as Cake.  Never mind it being edible — at this point it looks more like something that might try to crawl out of Faranell’s lab.  Matter of fact, excuse me for a second while I go kill it before it develops language skills.  Which, in the process, by the way, it might still end up beating out the writer of this particular letter.

But third of all — WTF you had CAKE for your birthday?  You’re a TAUREN, and you had lots of CAKE?!  I went to Thunder Bluff for BAINE’S birthday, and the only snacks they had were jerky and pine nuts and…like…hay…and yet YOU somehow manage to get fucking CAKE?  How the hell does THAT happen?

Taktani said:  After cak, Mr Hi Cheiftin Bane askd me to go to Ashnval. He wasnt mad that I drew on his reports. Evryon else was tho. They all got so mad when they saw. All I did was mak them pretti! Mr Banes reports wer just wirds, lots and lots and lots and lots of wirds, and thats boring. I mad them less boring. But they all got mad.
TranslationMaster 2000 says:  After cake, High Chieftain Baine Bloodhoof sent me to Ashenvale.  He wasn’t mad that I drew on his reports, but everyone else was when they saw what I had done.  All I did was make them pretty!  Baine’s reports were just enormous walls of text (possibly ghost-written by Tirion).  I cut down on the TL;DR factor by making them less boring.  But everyone (other than Baine) got mad.

So I’ve got to say, I am endlessly amused by the thought that Taktani apparently doodled all over Baine’s reports and then Baine’s advisors all started getting pissy over it.  It kind of reminds me of the first couple months I was Warchief — sometimes I would get bored filling out requisition forms and scribble a few little pictures in the margins, and Eitrigg would get all uptight over it when he went to review the forms.  Personally I kind of liked the little cartoon stick-figure of Thrall I came up with, with the word balloon going “BLAH BLAH BLAH I’M SO AWESOME,” but that seemed to make Eitrigg especially cranky.

Also, I think this might explain why Baine’s last few reports have come in kind of late.

Taktani said:  So after they gav me cak they had Mr Bane ask me to go to Ashnval. Its pretti in Ashnval! Its all sparkli and glittri! I hop you like glittr. I sent you sum.
TranslationMaster 2000 says:  After my birthdaycake, Baine’s irate advisors demanded he send me to Ashenvale.  It’s pretty in Ashenvale!  It’s all sparkly and glittery.  I hope you like glitter, which I say without irony because I’ve clearly never met you or formed any accurate sense of your actual personality.  I sent you some, collected directly from the trees of Ashenvale, which ooze glitter in the same way normal trees exude sap.

OMG NOT THE FUCKING GLITTER AGAIN.  If there’s one thing I hate about Ashenvale, other than the demonic influence, and the Alliance strongholds, and the fact that our western operations are being inexplicably stymied by the fucking Thistlefur furbolgs, and the lingering bitterness of my mother appearing to have been killed in Demon Fall Canyon, and the less said about my whole bright idea with the magnataur the better…yeah, other than that stuff, if there’s one thing I hate about Ashenvale?  THE FUCKING GLITTER.

Taktani said:  And I met Mr U agin! He told me what you sed, Mr Warcheif Sir. He red it from a glowi thing he sed was calld a kumputr. I want a kumputr to. They look lik fun.
TranslationMaster2000:  And I met Utvoch again!  He read me your answer to my last letter from his computer.  I want a computer, too.  They look like fun.

Okay, so I guess she must have crossed paths with Dontrag and Utvoch while he was on his way back to Stonetalon after the post-Theramore non-celebration business.  Also you’ll notice from that last sentence just how unnatural it is to see someone talking about just ONE of the Dumbass Duo.  I have to admit I’m more than a little disturbed by this.  I’m not sure if Taktani somehow missed the fact that there was a SECOND imbecile there, or if something even more baffling happened and something actually SEPARATED those two, which as far as I know has only happened once before and it took the insistence of a fucking DRAGON ASPECT to make happen.

And speaking of disturbing details, is anybody else starting to really, really worry that the writer who penned this literary masterpiece of a letter is apparently hanging out with UTVOCH?  And…now wants a computer?  Does anyone else see this potential perfect storm of virtual brain cancer in the making?

So, you know what?  No.  No, you can’t have a computer.  Ever.

Taktani said:  He was playng what he called Urth Onlin. That looks lik fun to. He sed you play Urth Onlin to, Mr Warcheif Sir. Can I play to?
TranslationMaster 2000 says:  Utvoch was playing Earth Online.  That looks fun, too, which is a peculiar thing to say, insofar as most MMO’s barely even look fun to the people actually playing them.  He said you also play Earth Online, Mr. Warchief.  Can I play, too?

No.  No, you can’t.  You cannot play Earth Online too.  A thousand gallons of no.  See the reasons above, then add about 73 additional ones.  For instance, here’s #27: I do not want to get stuck being the one having to explain to her the “Anal [Class Ability]” jokes in trade chat.  (Especially if I feel like I came up with a particularly clever one, because it just plain spoils the fun when you have to explain your own jokes.)

Also, random thought here, but some of these translations are a lot more pointed than I would have expected.  Go figure.

Anyway, Taktani…instead of getting a computer and playing Earth Online — neither of which things you should ever do, like ever in the everest of ever — I’d recommend knocking yourself out up there in Ashenvale on all the busywork very important missions we have up there.  If you run out of things to do over there, maybe swing by Stonetalon.  Wait, hang on, D&U are in Stonetalon, scratch that.  Try Desolace instead.  Desolace or the Southern Barrens.  On paper those areas might be a little dangerous for you, but who are we kidding?  We’re way too conservative sizing up the danger levels of the different territories, and most of the time when we send people to their assignments they just wind up facerolling shit.  Be a little ambitious.  Go nuts.  Which I kinda think you might already have, anyway.

I think that’s about as much as my will to live can take for one day, so let’s wrap it up here and be back in a couple weeks with more reader mail.  As always, keep those e-mails coming to garrosh1337@gmail.com.

Monday mailbag

Posted in Mailbag with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 24, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

So yeah, I know I’m just getting this mailbag in under the wire for it to count as Monday, but whatever, it’s hard to get a stable internet connection out here in the fucking swamp.  I’m writing from the field as we make our final march into Dustwallow Marsh.  I figured I haven’t answered any mail for a while, so it might be good to offer up a few messages from the my loyal Horde minions before we but a roflstomping on the humans.

Let’s see what we’ve got…

 

Written on a heavy parchment in multicolored inks, the first impression of this letter is one of chaos. Small sketches of Tauren, prairie wolves, swoops, and other sights of Mulgore clutter the margins, at times encroaching on the text itself. The sketches are obviously done quickly, but with moderate skill; the subjects are clearly recognizable even though the drawings are rough and unfinished. In contrast, the words meander across the page, crooked and shaky, with the occasional backwards letter. Many times a word will be started in one color of ink and finished in another, as if the writer got distracted halfway through the word.

Dear Mistr Warcheif Sir,

I have a question, and the nice ork Mistr U told me to write to you and ask. Hes visiting, and hes been reel nice to me. He talks a lot. Sumtimes I cant ask him anything because he talks too much. But he told me to ask you. He said you would kno. I wanted to ask if brown orks taste diffrent than green orks. Do green orks taste like mint? Are brown orks chocklate? Tauren taste like fur. Why are you brown when the other orks are green? Did you eat too much chocklate? Everyone tells me I cant eat too much chocklate, itll make me sick. Did you get sick from chocklate? Mistr U needs to go now, so I have to stop riting and give this to him.

The letter is signed with a large, inky pawprint, a small sketch of a Tauren druid in cat form, and the shaky name “Taktani,” with every letter in a different color ink.

Um…

Hmm…

Well…

<scratches head>

The FUCK is this?

Okay, so I get that the talkative orc this person is talking about is probably Utvoch… I mean, starts with “U” and talks too much, how many of those could there be?  And I guess this is good since it confirms D&U must still be alive in the restored timeline after…well…you know.  Um…I GUESS that’s a good thing.  Not sure what Utvoch is doing in Mulgore rather than Vindication Hold up in Stonetalon, but whatever.  I guess being killed in the line of duty earns you a little R&R time.

As for you, Taktani…um, no, brown orcs don’t taste like chocolate, and green orcs don’t taste like mint.  Although it IS kind of funny thinking of that, since it would mean, what, Thrall and Aggra are going to have mint chocolate chip babies?  Heh.  But no, we just taste like….orc.  I mean for real, I get enough attention from the ladies as it is, what with me being Warchief and dead sexy and all — last thing I need is for word to start getting around that I taste like chocolate too.  Dude, I won’t be able to walk down the fucking STREET.

Anyway, Taktani, thanks for writing just the same.  Hopefully you’ve outgrown Tauren Kindergarten-Land in Mulgore, and are off doing some bigger-kid stuff.  The Horde can always use more good soldiers, especially on my watch with me looking far and wide for ways to keep the troops busy.  Ashenvale’s looking pretty nice this time of year, if I can make a recommendation.  Just don’t get too much of the damn night elf glitter in your eyes.

 

Hey mon!

I’m writing’ to ya from one of our ships headin’ down to Theramore!  I’m on a boat, mon!

Make sure ya watch it to da end, mon!

–Bob, S.S. Echo Isles

I… he… what the hell IS this, the mailbag of WTF?!

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that this Bob guy managed to dig up a new and creative way to be stupid.  Funny, though, I’m pretty sure that’s the song I’ve been hearing Vol’jin humming to himself for most of the trip down.  Maybe it’s some kind of a troll thing…

 

Hail, Warchief!

Time is short, in more ways than one. I’m writing this for those of us on the road to Theramore.

The hour of assault approaches. There may be some who doubt why we’re here. Why we’re doing this. Why we must. The reason can be given in one word: Taurajo. A hunters’ camp, not a military target, annihilated by marauding Alliance soldiers. Soldiers, I say? I misspoke: they weren’t soldiers, they were bandits. Bandits supplied, equipped, and brought to Kalimdor through one place and one place only.

That is why Theramore must burn.

That is also why I make what may sound like a peculiar request. When we make the final assault, those of us who aren’t compelled otherwise should wear Thunder Bluff’s colors. Not only will this show our solidarity with our Tauren brothers, it will also remind those cowards why we come. To remind them that Justice neither relents, nor sleeps.

For the Horde! And for Taurajo!

–A Concerned Citizen

Now THAT’S what I’m talking about!  Go to it, ACC, lay some truth on them motherfuckers!  I’ve got to say, one thing that’s fucking infuriated me on this trip has been seeing how many of our people HAVEN’T on board with me with the post-Taurajo hate.  Check this out — I even heard a rumor that Baine was telling people that Taurajo was a legitimate military target, and the human commander at least gave the civilians room to flee, and he wonders if we’ll conduct ourselves as honorably.  This is BAINE talking.  BAINE.  THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT?  In what backwards-ass universe am I more pissed off about Camp T than chieftain of the fucking tauren?!

Anyway, I’m definitely encouraging the troops to follow your suggestion, ACC.  And on that note, we’re about to spit up the force for the final march.  I’ll update again soon…can’t wait to see the looks on the humans’ faces.  I’ve got a little surprise planned for them…

Could we have the demons back?

Posted in General, Transcripts with tags , , , , , , , , , , on September 10, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

We stopped at Splintertree Post first, but there was no Mortimer there.  I was pretty much guessing as far as where to look for him, since I’d originally found him at Hellscream’s Reach, which, well, doesn’t exist as an outpost in this world.  Our next stop was Silverwind Refuge, and there we finally had some luck.  Good and bad, actually, depending on how you count.

On the good: among the windrider master’s batch of wyverns, I spotted that familiar mane.  I’m not sure if he somehow remembered me from the other timeline, or if there’s just something about me that drew him to me in either world, or if it’s that I knew to call him by name – whatever it was, Mortimer saw me approaching, climbed down from his perch, and came right over.  I notified Wind Tamer Shoshok that one of her wyverns was being requisitioned.

On the mixed-bag-ish: well…

 

DRANOSH:  I know you said you need to go gather some information, but you know we could just give you any number of wyverns.

GARROSH:  You can give Mokvar any number of wyverns.

DRANOSH:  What’s so special about this one?

GARROSH:  <chuckles>  I wouldn’t even know where to start.

While Garrosh and Dranosh talk, there’s a murmuring among the Silverwind troops behind them, followed by the voice of…

UTVOCH:  Warchief!

DRANOSH and GARROSH:  <turning and overlapping>  What?

UTVOCH:  So glad to see you, sir!  You won’t believe what’s been going on lately!

GARROSH:  Um, Utvoch, are you talking to me or the Warchief here?  You seem confused.

MOKVAR:  “Utvoch, you seem confused.”  There’s something you never hear.

DRANOSH:  Uh, Garrosh, do you know this person?

MOKVAR:  Not yet.

GARROSH:  <rubbing forehead>  Yeah, yeah, I do.  Kind of.  Warchief, let me introduce Scout Utvoch.  I’ve had…some dealings with him…in the past.

UTVOCH:  Sir!  A great honor to see you again, sir, a very great inconceivable relief—

GARROSH:  <smacks Utvoch>  That’s not what that word means in any reality.

MOKVAR:  Garrosh, you know, if Utvoch is here, that probably means…

DONTRAG:  <calling from a distance while sprinting over>  Utvoch!  What are you doing?

GARROSH:  <perks an eyebrow at Mokvar>  You just had to jinx us, didn’t you?

Mortimer cringes and edges back from Dontrag and Utvoch.

UTVOCH:  Dontrag!  Look, Garrosh is here, and I’m just telling him and the Warchief—

DONTRAG:  Oh for goodness’ sake, Ut, are you going to start bothering them with that idiocy about you being somewhere else only it’s not somewhere else only there’s nobody there except you other than the people who are there that aren’t here?

GARROSH:  <spins to Mokvar>  See?  SEE?  I told you!

UTVOCH:  I’m telling you it’s true, Dontrag!  I really was seeing it and – <turns back to Garrosh> and – and it wasn’t a dream of a hallucinationatory or anything!

DONTRAG:  Idiot, you were standing right next to me every time you said it happened and I didn’t see a blasted thing.

DRANOSH:  So, okay, who is this one, then?

GARROSH:  This is Sergeant Dontrag, Utvoch’s…well, I’m not going to say “better half”…

MOKVAR:  They kind of come as a set.

GARROSH:  Kind of like peas in an incredibly retarded pod that almost, not quite but almost, makes you hope the demons win.

DRANOSH:  That’s not funny, actually.

DONTRAG:  I… High Overlord… I’m honored that you know me, sir.  A great vast honor to think that my reputation would have reached you all the way in Orgrimmar, sir!

GARROSH:  Wait, what?

MOKVAR:  <aside to Garrosh>  Uh, you never would have met them here.  Utvoch only remembers you because…you know… <does Nozdormu’s “wibbly wobbly, timey whimey” hand motion>

GARROSH:  <aside to Mokvar>  Oh…yeah…right…  <to Dontrag>  Right, well, see, Dontrag, I always make a point of keeping an eye on the, um, performance of all our soldiers.  Just part of my job.

DONTRAG:  Oh, um, really…?

DRANOSH:  It is?

DRO SHADOWFREE:  <chiming in from nearby>  Have you been satisfied with my work as well, Overlord?

GARROSH:  <spitting his words out curtly with a quick, annoyed glance at Dro>  Shut the fuck up, you don’t matter.

DRO SHADOWFREE:  Oh…

DONTRAG:  An honor to meet you as well, Warchief.  Please don’t let my friend here bother you with his idiocy.

UTVOCH:  You’re one to talk about idiocy!

DRANOSH:  So, um, Garrosh, is this one the brains of the operation or something?

MOKVAR:  I think that question might make the universe cry.

GARROSH:  Yeah, uh, not so much.  Think of them more as covering complementary parts of the idiot spectrum.

DONTRAG:  <crestfallen>  I’m…sorry, sir…

DRANOSH:  So why are these two important again?

GARROSH:  They’re not.  They’re really, really not.

MOKVAR:  Garrosh, if I could make a suggestion…we might actually want to bring them with us.

GARROSH:  Dude, we’ve already watched the Burning Legion and Scourge overrun Orgrimmar, have we not suffered enough for one day?

MOKVAR:  Well at least Utvoch.  You know…  <makes the “timey whimey” gesture again>

DONTRAG:  Wait, why is he more important?

UTVOCH:  Hah, suck it, Donty.

MOKVAR:  More importantly, because of…you know who.

GARROSH:  <eyes go wide a moment>  Good point.

DRANOSH:  Does someone want to fill me in?

GARROSH:  Yeah.  Right.  Here’s the thing, Dranosh.  Part of the idea I was talking about before, the way we might be able to undo everything that’s happened – it all depends on a human who was in Orgrimmar.  A mage named Edwin Faranell.  If we’re going to have any chance at all of doing this, we have to find him.

UTVOCH:  Oh, hey, Edwin?  But he’s still human now?  It didn’t wear off or anything?  I just figured he was still that way because of when that naaru soul crystal coldcocked him in the cellar.

DRANOSH:  Okay, I’m going to give you thirty seconds to start making sense before I start taking an axe to you.

MOKVAR:  Might as well save yourself thirty seconds and just kill him now.

GARROSH:  POINT BEING.  Utvoch knows Faranell, so he could be handy for helping look for him.  Maybe.

DRANOSH:  What’s so important about the mage?

GARROSH:  It would take a really long time to explain.  And a lot of it still wouldn’t make a lot of sense.

UTVOCH:  It doesn’t make a lot of sense to me and I was there.

GARROSH:  You just described LIFE for you.

UTVOCH:  Yes, sir.  Sorry, sir.

GARROSH:  What’s important is that if we can’t find him, this whole plan is dead in the water.

MOKVAR:  Last we saw him, he was on his way to the zeppelins with the last of the evacuees.

DRANOSH:  Assuming he made it out, that would put him at either Thunder Bluff or Theramore.

GARROSH:  Okay.  So here’s the plan.  I need some questions answered before we do anything else, and there’s only one place to get the answers.  I’m going to take Mortimer here to Tanaris.  I’ll need Mokvar with me.  In the meantime, Dranosh, you’ve got to find Faranell.

DRANOSH:  <grins half-heartedly>  You’re the boss, Overlord.  I’ll do a search in Theramore first and get our forces organized for a second front against the Legion.  After that, I can head to Thunder Bluff.

GARROSH:  We’ll meet you there after we’re done on our end.

DONTRAG:  A question, Overlord?

GARROSH:  <sighs>  Yes, Dontrag.

DONTRAG:  Who’s this Mortimer person?

 

“Wait, he named his wyvern ‘Mortimer’?”  “I think that was already his name.”  “Who gave it that name?”  “I think they said he just already had it himself.”  “How’s that possible?  The wyvern named itself?”  “I don’t know, why don’t you ask him?”  “I don’t speak wyvern, Ut.”  “You barely speak orcish, Donty.”

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