Archive for the EPIC VERSE Category

Sibling rivalry (with an AA rhyme scheme)

Posted in EPIC VERSE with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 25, 2015 by Garrosh Hellscream

It’s still Friday somewhere, right?  Right…?

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EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

ILLIDAN STORMRAGE

VS.

MALFURION STORMRAGE

BEGIN!

MALFURION:

The horn has sounded, and I’ve come as promised
To confront at my calmest the storm that rages upon us;
I’ll take no joy in this, brother, and I’ll spare you the gallows,
But I’ll drop you down so hard you’ll find the Barrow Deeps shallow.
You were always a black sheep, but you took it deeper:
Betrayed our peeps to demons like you were some fel grim reaper.
I dreamt the dream of the sleeper; you daydreamed like a creeper:
Leering at your sister-in-law even without any peepers.

ILLIDAN:

You foolish furry, Furion, you know nought of what you’ve wrought,
For even my blind eyes can see what seeing eyes cannot.
Now I’m dropping verbal blades, and it’s time to end charades;
You portrayed me as Betrayer – nay, ’twas I who was betrayed!
Just the same, before you stand there spouting off “disloyal” slander,
Maybe you shouldn’t just stand there when a Horde raid stomps Tyrande.
And while you dozed, one never knows if I received a conjugal visit –
Oh yes, you’ll scoff…but it’s a thought you can’t simply dismiss, now is it?

MALFURION:

When you reached down in the well, you must have fished that witless jest.
Maiev may be naught without you, but without you, you are less.
You sold your soul to demons, now to all persona non grata;
You were once an epic hero – now you’re a warglaive piñata.
Rejected, hated, friendless; and remember, when you go
Brooding on your skull of Gul’dan: you know him not, Horatio.
Slither off now to your naga; take the loss here that you’re due –
But based on Arthas, I suppose you’ll think you won this battle, too.

ILLIDAN:

You were always quick to lecture with your arrogance arthurian;
Here, have seven vials of shut the fuck up and hush, Malfurion!
Sold out? I used the Legion for the power I’d inherit;
I may now be half demon, but you’re at least a quarter ferret.
Alas, your beard – and facial hair – don’t have anyone fooled.
Now I hope you’ve taken rhyming notes, for Sha’do’s getting schooled.
You’ve had enough? Now shift to fraidy-cat and run off scared,
For I declare, brother, in this battle you were not prepared.

WHO WON?

WHO’S NEXT?

YOU DECIDE!

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EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

 

[Next Friday…the Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge bonus-edition finale!  (Who will it be?  Who’s to say?!  GET YOUR SUGGESTIONS IN EARLY!  And…I promise… some overdue for-real for-real posts between then and now!]

More verbal sparring, of a feline nature

Posted in EPIC VERSE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 17, 2015 by Garrosh Hellscream

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EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

GARONA HALFORCEN

VS.

SHAYARI

BEGIN!

GARONA:

Help me out here, princess, ’cause I need some guidance,
For how an A-lister drew a fan-fic contrivance.
From the Horde to Alliance, they all know my defiance;
But your own dad didn’t even know you’re alive, and
Now you’re eye candy loading up a shopping bag,
But you couldn’t be the it girl in a game of tag.
So Garona’s answer when they ask what no-name she wrecked:
Half broken, half outcast makes one whole reject.

SHAYARI:

You can stealth, but your crazy never strikes without warning,
’Cause we all know you’re more maintenance than a Tuesday morning.
We’re both draenei and orc, but one thing can perplex me:
How’d you get the “deformed” while I got all the sexy?
Now I know that you’re jealous, but the green’s still okay –
But don’t you think you’re kind of old to rock those pigtails in gray?
You must have a goblin stylist, ’cause your look’s straight Ratchet;
Every pass you made at Garry, he declined to catch it.
Now my mom’s another story, but don’t be mad at me;
’Cause all the hashtag-LadiesLoveMyD-A-D.
So wake up and smell the kafa, ’cause it’s understood,
You’re getting creamed, sugar; I make half-and-half look good.

GARONA:

Go back to school, daddy’s girl, you’ve still got plenty to learn;
You need to spec out of frost, based on the heat of those burns.
Looking good’s all you’ve got – no tales or triumphs in stock;
You’d best walk a few steps before you try to talk.
’Cause as much as you squawk, it’s no position to mock
When your achievement panel hasn’t even been unlocked.
My accomplishments are legend, my prowess proclaimed;
No one outside of blog nerds even knows of your name.
I’ve fought in two wars, traveled dimensional warps;
The best that you can do is beating on a dead corpse.
I was Emissary to the Guardian of Karazhan;
You’re a mage who couldn’t cut it in Dalaran.

SHAYARI:

You’ve got history, granny, but let’s look at the tale,
Because a blank slate’s still better than a chalkboard of fail:
You turned on King Llane, brought Medivh to his end –
Too bad you can’t kill these rhymes the way you kill all your friends.
Gul’dan’s lackey, Cho’gall’s tool – just the record, not opinion;
Even at your most legendary, you’re someone’s minion.
So keep grinding out your legend, Ronie, I won’t linger,
’Cause my ring’s the Warchief I’ve got wrapped around my finger.

WHO WON?

WHO’S NEXT?

YOU DECIDE!

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EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

And, if we turn a blind eye to who’s still around canonically…

Posted in EPIC VERSE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 10, 2015 by Garrosh Hellscream

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EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

VAROK SAURFANG

VS.

THE LICH KING

BEGIN!

LICH KING:

I find the irony delightful and the arrogance sublime
For you to hope in my domain that you could wield the coldest rhymes.
You’ll learn the meaning of fear now, and the chill of the grave;
Not a soul is going to help you – they’re all trapped in my blade.
Every foe that I defeat is a new minion to employ;
You say you named him Dranosh – do you miss your little boy?
I kill fathers and sons; I’ve already slayed the Younger.
Now it’s dinner time, orc…and Frostmourne hungers.

SAURFANG:

You can save your strangulation, its rotation’s gonna switch,
For it seems that Varok Saurfang’s going to have to choke a lich.
Your runeblade has a name and people tremble while beholding;
You know why they fear my axe? It’s the one Saurfang is holding.
Sucking souls; your own: unneeded. Uther’s warning went unheeded.
You might once have been the heir, but you never once succeeded.
You’re the king of Frozen Thrones, but your chilling’s getting thawed,
’Cause I’m the one both factions turn to when they need to kill a god.

LICH KING:

<channeling a spell>
I’d stay to slay you, orc, but there’re things I need to do.
Falric! Marwyn! Bring me his corpse when you’re through.

[The Lich King summons Falric and Marwyn, then exits up a hallway.]

FALRIC:

By your order, my liege!

MARWYN:

                                             This invader shall fall!

FALRIC:

Now your humble soldiers rise to meet their master’s call.
Your despair is so delicious and your fear exhilarating.
Your reputation might precede you, but it’s textbook overrating.
It’s two against one orc and even you can do the math:
Your fate will be no different – none are spared the master’s wrath.

MARWYN:

When the master ravaged Stratholme we were standing by his side,
And we saw the look Terenas made that moment as he died.
Your rhymes are weak as Silvermoon when master went attacking.
Now we’ve surveyed our enemy, and we have found him lacking.

SAURFANG:

I don’t waste my time on red-shirts but since Arthas had to leave,
Come at me, boys, in double file – now eat my verbal
                                                                  CLEAVE.

While your king walks afar
                                     You others cover and flock
To spar, but I’ll knock ajar
                                         One and another and block – so far
Your knocks may shock on par
                                         To smother and sock and scar
But your talk and mocks won’t mar
                                              The brother of Broxigar.
You took all your best shots but every one of them missed;
You’re getting schooled, children –

[Saurfang cleaves both Falric and Marwyn’s heads off with one swing.]

                                                     Now class is dismissed.

[Saurfang heroic leaps into the next room, where the Lich King is holding Jaina Proudmoore and Sylvanas Windrunner at bay.]

You don’t get away that easy, no escape from pending loss;
I just took out the trash, so now you’d better be a boss.
Orc dictator, human traitor, “See you later,” what a “hero.”
So you run, “Now we are one,” but when I’m done, you will be zero.

LICH KING:

No questions stay unanswered; you’re the answer to my plans;
For clearly yours are verses greatest of the also-rans —
You know your place, I’ll grant you, rallied by your leader’s pennant:
Such a hero, such a legend, such a permanent lieutenant.
If ambition drove your mission, its commission might unnerve us,
But you’ve cleared the way, and now you’ll stay forever in my service:
Dead, deployed, to destroy, like your son with death to bring:
In the last, when you’ve passed, you will all serve the king.

 

WHO WON?

WHO’S NEXT?

YOU DECIDE!

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EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

Meanwhile, on the Isle of Thunder…

Posted in EPIC VERSE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 3, 2015 by Garrosh Hellscream

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EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

LOR’THEMAR THERON

VS.

JAINA PROUDMOORE

BEGIN!

JAINA:

For years I was a dove but now that’s taken a dive;
Fool me once, then shame on you, but fool me twice, you won’t survive.
So I’ve gone on the offensive and I’m finished with forgiving;
You want to battle? Magic words are what I do for a living.
I’ve come a long way since I studied under Antonidas;
I’m still carrying the burdens of the Theramore detritus.
Now it seems you want to fight us; it’ll really just delight us,
’Cause I’ll crush your rhymes so hard you’re best off faking laryngitis.
Now I’ll throw my hands up, tear all my peace-mongering asunder, bring
My Kirin Tor contingent to the doorstep of the Thunder King.
Rhonin read an omen, so he passed me the baton;
Now I’ll purge you from this island like the Horde from Dalaran.
This won’t be pretty, pretty boy, so brace yourself, prepare,
Better cover up your eyes – oh, wait, you’re halfway there.
Don’t know who even sent you, not sure where we met or when,
But you kind of look familiar – tell me, what’s your name again?

LOR’THEMAR:

My name is—

JAINA:

What?

LOR’THEMAR:

My name is—

JAINA:

Who?

LOR’THEMAR:

I’m—

JAINA:

Johnny Awesome, maybe?

LOR’THEMAR:

<glares>
Okay, that’s it, I’ve had enough! That really does it – ladies!

[Scout Captain Elsia and Ellendra Palescorn appear behind Lor’themar.]

LOR’THEMAR:

You can talk a lot of trash, but the man that you’re not naming’s
Gonna serve you up your ass while his fans are all proclaiming that he’s

ELSIA and ELLENDRA:

Lor’themar!

LOR’THEMAR:

                         I don’t need an introduction,

ELSIA and ELLENDRA:

Lor’themar!

LOR’THEMAR:

                         Don’t need city reconstruction,

ELSIA and ELLENDRA:

Lor’themar!

LOR’THEMAR:

                         Don’t need Icecrown tissues;
I’ve got twice your regal majesty and half your daddy issues – I’m

ELSIA and ELLENDRA:

Lor’themar!

LOR’THEMAR:

                         Don’t need to lose my calm,
’Cause I’ll drop rhymes on you just like a mana bomb.
Until my ’Reavers are freed, don’t have to heed your screed
Or concede misdeed – know what else I don’t need?

ELSIA and ELLENDRA:

Lor’themar!

LOR’THEMAR:

                         Don’t need color care,
’Cause I don’t need blonde highlights in my blast-bleached hair, and

ELSIA and ELLENDRA:

Lor’themar!

LOR’THEMAR:

                         Don’t need dragon food,
’Cause I don’t need to go reptile when I’m in the mood.

ELSIA and ELLENDRA:

Lor’themar!

LOR’THEMAR:

                         Don’t need a back-up city!
I’ve got rhymes three times as vicious and a face that’s twice as pretty.

ELSIA and ELLENDRA:

Lor’themar!

LOR’THEMAR:

So keep your prophecy-of-Rhonin shit –
Don’t recognize my name? Neither do I – ’cause you’re not moanin’ it.

JAINA:

I tried my hand with humans, orcs, and elves but that was tragic;
After unbecoming slumming I traded up, Aspect of Magic.
So keep on trying fruitlessly to conjure up a scandal; it’s
No fault of mine a man’s got to be a dragon just to handle it.
I rose by acclamation to the leadership I shoulder;
As for you? You got defaulted – and you’re still just a placeholder.
You’ll always be a punch line, even more when seen in action:
You’re the seventh-string leader of a six-race faction.

LOR’THEMAR:

I took a broken people, rallied them to something greater;
You rose to rule two cities, and they’re both on maps as craters.
You’re the village epic mount, you’re a forty-man raid,
You 180’ed and betrayed your Mary Sue charade –
Because you always played the part of diplomat to the death:
Now you’re a real-life EO Lady Macbeth.
Now I’ll stop Allies on the one side, on the other stage a coup –
’Cause I even fight Horde Warchiefs better than you.

[Taran Zhu flies in on a cloud serpent and jumps in between them.]

TARAN ZHU:

ENOUGH! You’ve all been sparring since you set foot in this land,
And you’ve waged your endless race war, only I can’t understand
If you’re so hell-bent to kill each other with your sword and shield
Why it’s so damn vital that you make my home your battlefield!
There’s been nothing here but trouble since you Horde and Allies came,
And I’m tired of putting up with Lady J and what’s-his-name!
I’m sick of the division; I’ll take no side in this debate –
For I know you Sha-of-Haters are just going to Sha-of-Hate.
Each aggression draws reprisal, vengeance not for the fainthearted, it
Goes on and on in circles – I don’t care who fucking started it!
For years I’ve stood upon the wall to hold back mantid masses;
Now I’ll stand between you till you pull your heads out of your asses.
Awaking Shas of Anger, Hate, and Violence weren’t enough?
Then I’ll leave you with a cup of Sha of Shut the Fuck Up!
That’s it – I’ve wasted too much breath already on you two!
I must go! I’m out, bitches! There’s work I’ve got to do!

[Taran Zhu jumps onto his cloud serpent and flies off, leaving Jaina and Lor’themar staring quizzically.]

WHO WON?

WHO’S NEXT?

YOU DECIDE!

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EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

"Lady."  "Lord."

“Lady.”   “Lord.”

Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge returns

Posted in EPIC VERSE, Words from Behind the Curtain with tags , , , , , , on April 1, 2015 by Garrosh Hellscream

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Hello, all!  Averry interjecting with a quick announcement that…well…I suppose Garrosh could have covered it himself, but he seems to have his hands full right now.  It’s just easier this way.

Anyway!  As those of you who’ve taken a cursory look at your calendar may have noticed, today is the first day of April.  And as a smaller (but soon to increase!) subset of you are aware, April is National Poetry Month.  Now granted, last year I dropped the ball when it came to commemorating the event in the person of one of everyone’s favorite Azerothian poets.  (Yes, yes, mea culpa…or, you know, Garrosh culpa.  He has a lot of culpa to go around, after all.)  This year, though, I’m making sure there will be no such oversights.  Besides, the blog has been sorely lacking in EPIC VERSE of late!

For this year’s poetry challenge, I’m dusting off a variety of EPIC VERSE that I slapped together (thanks to your feedback!) the last time Garrosh commemorated National Poetry Month — EPIC VERSE battles!  As some of you might recall, ages ago when devilsaurs ruled the Earth, Garrosh unleashed an EPIC VERSE live blog upon an unsuspecting world, which ended up devolving into a rhyming battle between the Warchief and Varian Wrynn.  (Because, you see, I actually have no original ideas.)  I ended up revisiting the concept again shortly thereafter, and I’ve been wanting to revisit it since then.  Well, folks, you’ve dodged that bullet long enough!

So, I’ll be posting a new EPIC VERSE battle EVERY FRIDAY in April — plus one bonus battle on Friday, May 1, because DON’T THINK FOR ONE MINUTE YOU’RE GOING TO GET OUT OF THAT WEEK SO EASILY.  The pressure’s not just on me, though, because I’m going to need your help to make this idea work: just like the real Epic Rap Battles, the EPIC VERSE battles will rely on your ideas for matchups!  I have a couple of ideas in the works based on suggestions from way back when, but in order to get through the month, I’ll be counting on all of you to offer up suggestions for matchups in your comments.  Feel free to play fast and loose with your selections — while blog characters are, of course, welcome candidates, don’t be reluctant to offer up other lore figures who haven’t turned up in the blog in any significant way.  Living, dead, retconned beyond recognition… anything goes!

So…start thinking of those ideas, comment away, and as always, thanks for reading and responding and making this whole exercise in lunacy far more fun than it ever should have been.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find a word that rhymes with orange.

Be seeing you,

Averry

Because you asked for it…

Posted in EPIC VERSE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 20, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

seatofknowledge

Okay, kids, while it’s still National Poetry Month, and I’m still basking in the glow of my GLORIOUS EPIC VERSE VICTORY over Varian (FUCK YOU, VARIAN VOTERS), I figured I’d do a request for another matchup.  Credit where it’s due, by the way, you guys really stepped up to the plate with your suggestions in the comments last time.  So, without any further ado…

*  *  *  *  *

EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

BRANN BRONZEBEARD

VS.

LOREWALKER CHO

BEGIN!

*  *  *  *  *

CHO:

Once upon a time, in a land across the sea,
An under-mountain kingdom was ruled by hammers three;
The youngest Bronzebeard brother wandered off, the world to see —
The great explorer?  He looks like a little poser to me.

You travel, sure, around the world, but don’t know what you’re doing;
You chase down leads but hardly have a clue what you’re pursuing.
But I know, “Branbronzan,” and now I’ll be your undoing:
Both our peoples might love beer, but you won’t like what I’ve got brewing.

Now I’m sure you’ll try your rhyming and you’ll throw your sticks and stones,
But you’ll never change the fact you’re a junior Harrison Jones.
You ran around backpacking but you didn’t go to college;
So take some notes here, kid — welcome to my Seat of Knowledge.

BRANN:

I’m sorry, were ye talking?  I think I zoned out,
From another long-ass story that nobody cares about.
When people listen to ye, they fall asleep and they drop;
They tune out long before they ever hear yer Aesop.

Ye got this right: I had no time to stay and rule a nation;
No politics for me, exploring was me inclination.
I roamed ’cross every continent and distant destination,
Unearthing Titan clues from Halls of Stone to Origination.

Now me rhymes are all unshackled and me flow’s unchecked,
So if ye want to battle, know ye’re gonna get wrecked.
They’ll be diggin’ up yer fragments when I finish my attack,
’Cause you’re fightin’ Brann now — nobody’s got yer back.

CHO:

You talk a good game, but your knowledge is a flop.
I preside in scholar’s heaven; you’re off working the gift shop.
You say your guild’s Explorer — you sure it’s not Lollipop?
I’ll call you Phase 3 Elegon — that’s how fast you’re gonna drop.

Into the Vaults I led a raiding team of nearly thirty;
I hung back smiling while I let them go get their hands dirty.
I studied mogu secrets while they fended off attackers;
You don’t discover anything unless it’s done ass-backwards.

You trumpet your achievements but I say it’s contradictory;
For all you do is bumble then Jar-Jar your way to victory.
I interpreted the warnings of the Emperor to heed.
Now the writing’s on the wall for you — but I don’t think you can read.

BRANN:

Don’t even try yer braggin’ ’bout yer strollin’ in the Vaults,
Twice now the world damn near blew up and it was all my fault.
I dug up Titan keepers and set loose Old God monstrosities:
There ain’t no trouble too big for my cat-like curiosity.

I dragged my hapless helpers through so many deadly places —
When I triggered that Tribunal, lad, ye shoulda seen their faces.
Oh, sure, they went complaining and they made a big production,
But I don’t think life’s worth livin’ if ye don’t risk world destruction.

Why, even now I’m on the trail of Titan secrets rare;
These tablets indicate a place, I just have to figure where.

CHO:

Wait, where’d you find those tablets?

BRANN:

In the Vaults of Mogu’shan.

CHO:

You snuck in there behind us?

BRANN:

Have we met?  Hi, my name’s Brann.

It seems a strange contraptions’s hidden somewhere in the Vale.
I’ll have to work it more, but rest assured I’m on the trail.

CHO:

Another Titan engine?

BRANN:

Or a prison.  Maybe so.
Wait, have ye got Old Gods down here?

CHO:

Not as far as we know.

But let me see that, junior, let a Lorewalker conduct
A proper study of those texts; the meaning I’ll deduct.
I’ll be the one to find it!

BRANN:

Yeah, grandpa, good luck.

CHO:

Better me; you’ll likely find a way to trip a self-destruct.

BRANN:

Ye know as well as I do: only thing worse than “unknown”
Is finding these devices…and then leaving them alone.

CHO:

’Tis true, the scholar’s impulse: though our helpers are perturbed;
Sometimes you simply must disturb what should not be disturbed.

BRANN:

A hidden button on the wall!  Its purpose — who knows what?
A Titan secret bigger than your furry panda gut.
I’ll bet it holds a secret!

CHO:

I’ll wager that it’s cursed!

BRANN:

I’m pressing that button!

CHO:

Not if I get there first!

<Brann and Cho run out in opposite directions.>

*  *  *  *  *

WHO WON?

WHO’S NEXT?

YOU DECIDE!

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EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

Again I ask…

Posted in EPIC VERSE with tags , , , , , , on April 16, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

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WHO WON?

And, maybe even more importantly…

WHO’S NEXT?

No, really.

Since the live blog seemed to go over pretty well, and we DO still have a couple weeks left of National Poetry Month, I may see about putting together another of these battles before all is said and done…provided you guys are able to keep playing muse and come up with some good matchups!  So get commenting!

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