Because you asked for it…


Okay, kids, while it’s still National Poetry Month, and I’m still basking in the glow of my GLORIOUS EPIC VERSE VICTORY over Varian (FUCK YOU, VARIAN VOTERS), I figured I’d do a request for another matchup.  Credit where it’s due, by the way, you guys really stepped up to the plate with your suggestions in the comments last time.  So, without any further ado…

*  *  *  *  *






*  *  *  *  *


Once upon a time, in a land across the sea,
An under-mountain kingdom was ruled by hammers three;
The youngest Bronzebeard brother wandered off, the world to see —
The great explorer?  He looks like a little poser to me.

You travel, sure, around the world, but don’t know what you’re doing;
You chase down leads but hardly have a clue what you’re pursuing.
But I know, “Branbronzan,” and now I’ll be your undoing:
Both our peoples might love beer, but you won’t like what I’ve got brewing.

Now I’m sure you’ll try your rhyming and you’ll throw your sticks and stones,
But you’ll never change the fact you’re a junior Harrison Jones.
You ran around backpacking but you didn’t go to college;
So take some notes here, kid — welcome to my Seat of Knowledge.


I’m sorry, were ye talking?  I think I zoned out,
From another long-ass story that nobody cares about.
When people listen to ye, they fall asleep and they drop;
They tune out long before they ever hear yer Aesop.

Ye got this right: I had no time to stay and rule a nation;
No politics for me, exploring was me inclination.
I roamed ’cross every continent and distant destination,
Unearthing Titan clues from Halls of Stone to Origination.

Now me rhymes are all unshackled and me flow’s unchecked,
So if ye want to battle, know ye’re gonna get wrecked.
They’ll be diggin’ up yer fragments when I finish my attack,
’Cause you’re fightin’ Brann now — nobody’s got yer back.


You talk a good game, but your knowledge is a flop.
I preside in scholar’s heaven; you’re off working the gift shop.
You say your guild’s Explorer — you sure it’s not Lollipop?
I’ll call you Phase 3 Elegon — that’s how fast you’re gonna drop.

Into the Vaults I led a raiding team of nearly thirty;
I hung back smiling while I let them go get their hands dirty.
I studied mogu secrets while they fended off attackers;
You don’t discover anything unless it’s done ass-backwards.

You trumpet your achievements but I say it’s contradictory;
For all you do is bumble then Jar-Jar your way to victory.
I interpreted the warnings of the Emperor to heed.
Now the writing’s on the wall for you — but I don’t think you can read.


Don’t even try yer braggin’ ’bout yer strollin’ in the Vaults,
Twice now the world damn near blew up and it was all my fault.
I dug up Titan keepers and set loose Old God monstrosities:
There ain’t no trouble too big for my cat-like curiosity.

I dragged my hapless helpers through so many deadly places —
When I triggered that Tribunal, lad, ye shoulda seen their faces.
Oh, sure, they went complaining and they made a big production,
But I don’t think life’s worth livin’ if ye don’t risk world destruction.

Why, even now I’m on the trail of Titan secrets rare;
These tablets indicate a place, I just have to figure where.


Wait, where’d you find those tablets?


In the Vaults of Mogu’shan.


You snuck in there behind us?


Have we met?  Hi, my name’s Brann.

It seems a strange contraptions’s hidden somewhere in the Vale.
I’ll have to work it more, but rest assured I’m on the trail.


Another Titan engine?


Or a prison.  Maybe so.
Wait, have ye got Old Gods down here?


Not as far as we know.

But let me see that, junior, let a Lorewalker conduct
A proper study of those texts; the meaning I’ll deduct.
I’ll be the one to find it!


Yeah, grandpa, good luck.


Better me; you’ll likely find a way to trip a self-destruct.


Ye know as well as I do: only thing worse than “unknown”
Is finding these devices…and then leaving them alone.


’Tis true, the scholar’s impulse: though our helpers are perturbed;
Sometimes you simply must disturb what should not be disturbed.


A hidden button on the wall!  Its purpose — who knows what?
A Titan secret bigger than your furry panda gut.
I’ll bet it holds a secret!


I’ll wager that it’s cursed!


I’m pressing that button!


Not if I get there first!

<Brann and Cho run out in opposite directions.>

*  *  *  *  *








19 Responses to “Because you asked for it…”

  1. Kolitira vs. Thassarian would be interesting…if only we knew where Kolitira is…(or was…)

    • The beauty of these battles is that the participants don’t have to ACTUALLY be available. They can just be conjured up all fictional-like. So, people who are missing or, for that matter, DEAD are still fair game.

      …Not that we don’t have plenty of perfectly available dead people just up and walking around anyway. (Hey Edwin.)

      • I’m still trying to think of a suitable opponent for Edwin. How about one of his old buddies from Southshore, like Kel’Thuzad or Helcular?

      • Scholar vs. Athlete…how about Nathanos to go against Edwin?

      • @Cygnia: It would be quite da battle ‘tween Your Mentally Deficient & I’ve Got a Perfect Memory. May come down ta who claims dey the most indifferent, though.

      • I suppose Faranell vs. Prof. Putricide would be too cruel to contemplate?

      • @khizzara: TOO SOON, EXECU– KHIZZARA, TOO SOON!

        Nathanos versus Edwin!

      • Faranell vs. Putress maybe?

      • @khizzara — Even for a guy like me, that’s cold.

        @Cygnia and Aliok — I’m not totally sold on putting him up against Edwin, but I love the idea of getting Nathanos in on these. Do we have any comparable instances of former Horde heroes winding up in the Alliance camp?

      • @GarroshHellscream: Pfft! Who’d want to leave the Horde to join Alliance?

        …Seriously, I’m actually stumped. I don’t know many Alliance well, if at all.

      • That’s a tough one. The Forsaken are a bit of a unique situation in this regard. I can think of Horde who are champions of neutral factions quite easily, but actually joining the Alliance? I’ll keep digging though.

      • Da only one that comes ta mind is mebbe High Inquisitor Fairbanks. Two problems though: he nevah joined Horde in first place; and he be dead dead now instead of mostly dead.

        Don’t tink he ever liked any Alliance folks, either.

  2. Edwin and Bom’bay, witchdoctor in training?

  3. Helcular could be fun for Faranell. Also Putress- i think i fits to have Faranell paired with another mad scientist type, I’m not sure how many more of those are floating around though.

    Varimathras vs Benedictus – two traitors from within

    Johnny Awesome vs. Maximilian of Northshire – battle of the incompetent adventurers

    Plus I’m still pulling for Saurfang and Arthas, mostly because of them squaring off in the blog a while back, also it would be nice for Varok to get to face the man that killed Dranosh.

  4. Arthas vs. Thrall vs. Kalecgos — rivals for Jaina’s affections.

    • Tandeleina Says:

      Don’t forget Kael’thas! He had a thing for Jaina too – just imagine the “merely a set back” jokes about him not taking rejection well!

  5. ZugZug Says:

    Kinda late but I’m going ahead… Waited for more votes to come in and waiting for more poetry.

    Roly-poly Cho
    Extraordinary brewer!
    Poet? Not so much.

  6. Vyrin Dawnstar Says:

    If we’re still doing poetry, how about Jaina vs. Lord Theron? That could be…interesting! Or Jaina vs. Aethas, for obviously hilarious reasons!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: