Archive for December, 2012

Ragequitters never win

Posted in Transcripts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 5, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

earthonline2

You have logged on.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  well that’s the problem with arcane, though.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  for me anyway.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  how you u mean?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  hi pwn

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Hey, boss.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Hey everyone

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  well basically it’s just that since the magic isn’t strictly -alive-, it doesn’t read tone very well.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  ?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  hi pwn

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  so i have to be careful what i say, because the magic tends to take sarcasm literally.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  well i mean, why wouldnt it?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  What did I just walk in on?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Or do I not want to know?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  This one is pretty harmless.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Edwin and Jaina are deep into magic shop talk.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Ah

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  how are you doing, pwn?

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  well i tend to rely pretty heavily on sarcasm in my day-to-day communication.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Doing okay, gayle

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  hello omgipwnedurface.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  yeah, pretty much any time he says something, you want to picture him rolling his eyes

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  good to see you as always.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  see, case in point.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  oh lol

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  well that might be hard since i dont know what u look like

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  probably just as well.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  i haven’t aged well.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  lol its ok i like older guys =)

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  oh i remember that phase

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  HEY NOW

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  NO FLIRTING WITH OTHER MEN!

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  lol dont worry sweetie

[Lorthemar] has logged on.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  hi lorthemar

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  JUST KIDDING

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  I KNOW YOU’RE NOT LIKE THAT LOL

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Greetings, all.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Wow…you know, part of me wants to make a Jaina joke there

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  but mostly I’m just thinking…that poor dragon

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Hey, Lorthemar.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  hi lor

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  I still say scalies just creep me out.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  are you new in the guild?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  No.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  sigh

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Why does everyone keep asking me that?  I’ve been in the guild for months.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  oh ok

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I don’t understand why people can’t remember who I am.

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] has earned the achievement [Q’est-ce Que C’est]

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] has earned the achievement [United Nations]!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  grats BQ!

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  grats

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Congratulations!

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Thank you, all.  ^_^

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Wait, you got the United Nations achievement?

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  unless the game ui is trying to pull a fast one on you.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Indeed!

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Exalted with EVERY national faction?  HOW?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Admittedly, that last rep grind was particularly onerous.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Which one?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  France.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh geez yeah

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  The French don’t like anybody

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Not so; they’re quite fond of me now.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh actually, let me take care of this while I’m thinking of it

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  What’s that?

[EdwardBear | Ji] has joined the guild.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  welcome!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  welcome ed

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Who’s this now?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Ji Firepaw

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  He overheard me talking about the game with Spazzle a couple days ago and got curious

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Ah…well this should be entertaining.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  How are the new pandaren recruits working out so far, Warchief?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Eh…sort of a mixed bag

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  They mean well, but…I don’t know.  We’ll see

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  brb

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Welcome to the guild!

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  So I’m guessing he’s REALLY newbish.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, he’s going to be pretty green

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Speaking of which

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  he seems quiet.

[GilbertRose | Dontrag] has logged on.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  hi gil

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Edward, type /g to talk in guild chat

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Hello, Utvoch.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  can you see this?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  ah there we are

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  no this is dontrag

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Welcome aboard, Ed.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Greetings, Edward.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Is this your first time logging onto Earth Online in general?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  And, are you sure, Utvoch?  I could swear you were Utvoch, Dontrag.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  no, i logged on for a little while last night

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  it looks fun

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  yes i’m sure

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Oh, so this is your first Earth Online character?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  we’ve talked about this before

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  yes

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well if you’re so sure about it, I don’t see why we would have had to discuss it repeatedly.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  But if you insist, I suppose I’ll take your word on being Dontrag, Utvoch.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  A double welcome to you, then!

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  thank you

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  ok good

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  are you new too?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You really love messing with him, don’t you?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Why yes.  Yes I do.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Whichever one of them he actually is.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  sigh

[Guild][Lorthemar]  No, I’m not.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Can you blame me, really?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I’m not new.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  are you sure your not new lor?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  i dont think i’ve seen you on before

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Yes I’m sure.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I’m not new, for the hundredth time.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  well of course you’re not new for the hundredth time.  that wouldn’t be new.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  you can only be new once.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  …

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  what class are you playing ed?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Just say the word if you need any help with anything, Edward.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  I know some things can be a little confusing at first.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  a farmer

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Hmm, I’ve never played one of those.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  they don’t really sound too exciting to play

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh hey, I’ve got my Refer-a-Friend pet now

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  What kind?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You should have gotten one too, Edward

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  A dog

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  don’t you already have one?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  how do i get it?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, but the RAF is a random draw from a bunch of breeds

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  There are a lot of different breeds.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  You already have it, Edward.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So for instance, this one I just got is a cocker spaniel

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  If you go to the bottom of your screen, you can open your pet catalog.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  omg i love the new pet sparring!

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  ok

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  oh there it is

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  what kind did you get?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  how can i see the details?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Right click on it.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  anyway we should get going, we have lunch plans

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  bye leslie

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Eat well!

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  BYE EVERYONE

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  byeeeee

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  ok i think i see it now

[Proudleslie | Jaina] has logged off.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  What’s the verdict?

[HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] has logged off.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  it says it’s called a poodle

[Guild][Lorthemar]  You can name it, too, if you want to.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Those are those fru-fru looking dogs, right?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  they’re supposed to be smart

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  how do i do that?

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  you mean they make good spellcasters?  or the coders gave them a slightly less nonsensical AI?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Right click again, then pick “rename.”

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  ok

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  thank you

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  No problem.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  By the way, Garrosh, did you ever end up talking to the orphanage about Gurtash?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, I put out a few feelers

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Gurtash is that orphan boy who’s been helping take care of the Warchief’s wyvern?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Yeah.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Garrosh was thinking of maybe seeing about adopting him.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  ok done

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  done what?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  That’s…that’s remarkable.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Right now Battlewail has me in a holding pattern.  Something about questions about my temperament

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  i named the pet

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  oh nice

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  A preposterous dispersion against your character, Warchief.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So there’s some meeting they want me to go to with Social Services later this week

[SteveKravitz | Utvoch] has logged on.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  hi steve

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  hey

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Hang on…we have a Department of Social Services?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Who knew, right?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  That -had- to have been a Thrall program.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Yeah, I mean…where the hell have THEY been?

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  hi guys

[Guild][Lorthemar]  So what did you end up naming the pet, Edward?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Greetings, Steve!

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  i named her winnie

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, I know

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  sup man

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Not sure what the deal is with the meeting, but I guess some of the pandas are involved somehow

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Oh?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  after my aunt, jae win

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  she had similarly poofy hair

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  not too much

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, not too clear about any more than that

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh actually

[Guild][Lorthemar]  That works.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Winnie the poodle has a certain ring to it.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  thanks

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  oh hey who’s the new guy?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Hey Ji, quick question

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  i just joined the guild today

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  nice to meet you

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  no not you

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  yes warchief?  i mean guildmaster

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  i meant the other new guy

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  lorthemar

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You might know something about this

[Guild][Lorthemar]  ugh

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Okay, SERIOUSLY

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Enough is enough already.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  ?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Oh sure, “?” at me

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Well I’ll see your “?” and raise you a “!!!”

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Because I’m SICK AND TIRED of nobody around here ever knowing WHO THE HELL I AM

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Um, what’s this guy’s damage?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  So I’m going to explain this ONE MORE TIME

[Guild][Lorthemar]  SO GRAB A DAMN CRAYON TO WRITE IT DOWN THIS TIME

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I

[Guild][Lorthemar]  AM NOT

[Guild][Lorthemar]  NEW

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Is that CLEAR enough for you IDIOTS?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I HAVE BEEN IN THIS GODDAMN GUILD FOR MONTHS

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I CAN REMEMBER BEING ONLINE WHEN HALF YOU OTHER PEOPLE JOINED

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I’M NOT A RECRUIT, I’M NOT SOMEBODY’S COUSIN

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I AM LOR’THEMAR THERON, DAMMIT!

[Guild][Lorthemar]  REGENT LORD OF QUEL’THALAS

[Guild][Lorthemar]  It NOT HARD to remember that part

[Guild][Lorthemar]  LOOK

[Guild][Lorthemar]  <–

[Guild][Lorthemar]  SEE HOW THAT WORKS, YOU MOUTHBREATHING IDIOTS?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  “Lorthemar”…IS LOR’THEMAR

[Guild][Lorthemar]  THAT’S ME

[Guild][Lorthemar]  LOR’THEMAR FUCKING THERON

[Guild][Lorthemar]  RULER OF THE BLOOD ELVES

[Guild][Lorthemar]  ME

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  oh hi, lorthemar.  welcome to the guild.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  did you just join?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  sdfghliuhurtyhweuirthlidrhglsdajghfljksdhg

[Guild][Lorthemar]  THAT DOES IT THE HELL WITH YOU ALL

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  um no prof he just said he’s been in the guild a while

[Lorthemar] has logged off.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  well what crawled up his ass?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  He’s a blood elf.  Who knows

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  um

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  people don’t usually get that upset about this game, do they?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Um, well…

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  your naivete is adorable.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Quick pointer, Ji…don’t queue for any battlegrounds.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  or dungeons

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Or pay attention to trade chat when you’re in the major cities.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  and while you’re at it you might just want to uninstall the whole game right now and cancel your internet service.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  oh.  um.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  i guess i’ll go back to leveling

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Where in the world are you?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  orgrimmar

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  No, I mean, where in the game?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  But like I was starting to say like ten minutes ago

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  i just got sent to a region called siberia

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Do you know anything about these meetings your panda friends are working on for Social Services, Ji?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  a little bit, yes sir

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  the orphan matron suggested i arrange for some of my people to help

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  since pandaren culture places great value on being centered and grounded emotionally

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, you guys do seem very even keel

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  we try to be, yes sir

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  so a few of my people are helping hold some sessions on some of our methods and principles

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  particularly for controlling anger

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  …

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So ANOTHER one basically telling me I have a temper?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  see i TOLD you you needed to work on not being angry all the time

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  YOU stay out of this

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  oh hey

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  well clearly i’m not the only one thinking it!

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Clearly a sign of their failure to appreciate the pressures and stresses that come with the laudable work you do day in and day out.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  When you’re not playing video games or blogging.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  i was going around fighting a few things for xp, when these mobster npcs attacked me and ran off

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  and now i have things missing from my inventory

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  oh those russian mob guys are nasty

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  You said you were in Siberia?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay, so I think I need to go do some checking on this

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I’ll be back

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  yes

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Yeah, you have to watch for that.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  In Soviet Russia, mobs farm you.

You have logged off.

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Invasion incoming

Posted in Transcripts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 3, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

eitrigg

In light of the reports coming in from both Nazgrim and Krog from Pandaria, I decided we need to step up preparations for a full-scale military operation there.  Nazgrim’s been holding his own reasonably well under the circumstances…well, he WAS until this last report, anyway, and then…well, you know.  Point is, he’s been trying to keep it together down there, but it’s about time we gave our general an honest-to-goodness army to work with.

So, earlier today I held a strategy session to make plans to send a full invasion force to Pandaria.  We had the usual suspects there — Eitrigg, Malkorok, Mokvar to take notes.  Malkorok had his lieutenant Rak’gor Bloodrazor sit in for the planning.  Plus…an extra unexpected attendee, who…well, you’ll see.

Cut to the transcript.

 

GARROSH:  First, a status update.  The latest from Nazgrim is that he and his people are licking their wounds from a major battle with the Alliance forces down there.  They’ve moved from the Jade Forest to a town in the northern mountains while they recover.  Most of them, anyway.

EITRIGG:  Are Nazgrim and his team all right?

GARROSH:  Scratched up but still kicking, from what I gather.  Always hard to tell with Nazgrim — he’ll never let on if he’s really hurt.  You know him.

MALKOROK:  I assume our forces were victorious against the Alliance dogs, as they’re alive to tell the tale?

GARROSH:  Not so much.  The battle was basically a stalemate.

MALKOROK:  You mean to say, Warchief, that that fool Nazgrim failed not only to defeat a depleted Alliance force, but even to go down fighting like an orc?  And now he has the audacity to report this disgrace from the comfort of some remote bed while he nurses his wounds like a human?

EITRIGG:  Considering what Nazgrim seems to have had to work with…

MALKOROK:  And now you defend his incompetence, old man?

GARROSH:  Well hey, look, Malkorok.  Believe me, I’m all for being tough on the troops and all that, but to be fair, Nazgrim DID lose most of his actual Horde soldiers in the crash of the Hellscream’s Fist.

MALKOROK:  And proceeded to offset those losses by recruiting from among the locals, did he not?

GARROSH:  Yeah, but look at the locals.  I mean, dude, you know how I’m always saying it’s like I’ve got a bunch of trained monkeys working for me?  <scans around the room>  No offense.  But yeah, Nazgrim?  LITERALLY had a bunch of trained monkeys to work with.

MALKOROK:  What about the Alliance?

GARROSH:  What about them?

MALKOROK:  The Alliance reportedly took heavy losses and drew support from the natives as well.  Who did they have fighting for them?

EITRIGG:  <scanning notes>  I think Krog included something about this in one of his reports…

GARROSH:  Something with a “J,” I think.

MOKVAR:  Jinyu.

GARROSH:  Yeah, that’s it, jinyu.

MOKVAR:  <paging through reports>  Which…from the way Krog describes them…would be a race of…sort of…king-size murlocs.

GARROSH:  <blinks, then rubs forehead>  …The FUCK is Nazgrim doing down there?

MALKOROK:  You see?

EITRIGG:  Do we know anything else about the battle with the Alliance?  I will grant, it doesn’t sound like Nazgrim to flee the battlefield…

GARROSH:  Nazgrim’s report was pretty sketchy on the details there.  I’ve gotten some extra intel from Krog to fill it out some, though.  Looks like the battle between Nazgrim’s monkeys and the Alliance fish men…

Garrosh trails off, then stares into the distance for a moment.

EITRIGG:  Warchief?

MOKVAR:  Garrosh?

Garrosh shakes his head and pulls his attention back.

GARROSH:  Yeah.  Sorry.  I just heard myself saying that last part and had to take a minute to be sad.  Where was I?

MOKVAR:  Monkeys versus fish men.

GARROSH:  Yeah.  Monkeys versus fish men.  So according to— I mean seriously, doesn’t that sound like a bad videogame or something?

MOKVAR:  Just watch, if Spazzle isn’t coding that already, he will as soon as he reads this.

GARROSH:  I know, right?

EITRIGG:  Warchief…focus, please.

GARROSH:  Yeah, yeah, okay…  So…  <sighs>  …monkeys versus fish men.  Which I guess took place at the foot of this huge statue in a place called Serpent’s Heart.  From what I can gather, the battle was pretty even, which is kind of depressing  in itself, considering, when it was broken up by the arrival of this giant black monster.  Which basically wiped out both sides and left the survivors fucked up and scattrered.

MALKOROK:  What kind of monster could take out both armies?

GARROSH:  From what Krog reported, it…

Vol’jin enters.

Hang on.  What are YOU doing here, troll?

VOL’JIN:  I heard dere was a meetin’ going’ on, mon.  I figured mah invitation musta got lost in da mail.

GARROSH:  Uh, yeah, as if I would have sent YOU an invitation for these planning sessions…

VOL’JIN:  Ya see now, mon?  Ya be tinkin’ a me as such a good friend, I don’ even be needin’ an invitation!  Dat’s why everybody loves ya, mon.

GARROSH:  <rubbing forehead>  What.  Do you WANT.  Vol’jin?

VOL’JIN:  I hear ya be plannin’ an invasion in Pandaria, mon, and I be here ta keep an eye on what ya be doin’.

GARROSH:  Keep an eye on me?  I don’t answer to you, troll, nor do I have to EXPLAIN myself to you, so if you’re here to make life difficult, you can just head back to your island now.

VOL’JIN:  I be da leader of da Darkspear, mon, an’ I got a right ta know what da Horde be doin’.

MALKOROK:  You know I can easily take care of—

GARROSH:  Not now, Malkorok.  <grumbles>  Fine.  You can sit in, Vol’jin.  TRY not to make yourself into too much of a toothache.

VOL’JIN:  Oh don’cha be worryin’ ’bout me, mon.  Ya won’t even know I be here.  It’ll be like I be invisible.

Garrosh stares at Vol’jin for a long moment, then exchanges several pensive glances with Eitrigg and Mokvar.  He looks back to Vol’jin again and eyes him for another moment.

GARROSH:  Okay, well—

VOL’JIN:  Like da Lich King’s horse!

GARROSH:  Just SIT DOWN and SHUT UP, Vol’jin.

VOL’JIN:  Sure, mon.

Vol’jin takes a seat at the conference table next to Malkorok.  Malkorok glances at him and sneers; Vol’jin answers with an exaggerated grin.

GARROSH:  So as I was saying, like an hour ago…about the creature at Serpent’s Heart.  Apparently it was something the pandas call a “sha” — sort of a demon that feeds off of powerful emotions.

VOL’JIN:  <eyes narrow>  You don’ say, mon…

MALKOROK:  Hmm…interesting…  I wonder if our warlocks could influence these sha.  If they’re strong enough to take down two armies, they could be a powerful resource if harnessed…

VOL’JIN:  Dat be some bad mojo ya talkin’ ’bout, mon.

MALKOROK:  I thought you were going to be quiet, troll.

MOKVAR:  He’s right, though — these sha don’t sound like something we want to risk meddling with.

EITRIGG:  As it stands, I’m already troubled enough by some reports I’ve seen of demonic summoning by some of the initial fleet…

MOKVAR:  Wait, seriously?

MALKOROK:  You two would have our warlocks not avail themselves of all the power at their disposal for the benefit of the Horde?

MOKVAR:  Didn’t “our warlocks” get themselves into enough trouble already “availing” themselves of demonic power?

MALKOROK:  Yes, let’s have the scribe lecture us on the proper conduct of warlocks.

MOKVAR:  I used to be a warlock.

MALKOROK:  Oh, that’s right, you were, weren’t you?  Then by all means continue, scribe.  Tell us more about the evils of seeking power through demonology.

Mokvar looks back to his notes awkwardly.

GARROSH:  Look, the fact is, Nazgrim doesn’t have the people or the resources to establish a strong Horde presence in Pandaria or prevent the Alliance from doing the same.  I already have ships being prepared for a large-scale incursion.  The southern coast of Pandaria has a few locations that sound like they’d be well-suited for a base.  We can scout a specific spot while we finish gathering troops and equipment for the trip.

EITRIGG:  Grizzle Gearslip of the Bilgewater goblins says the construction team should have siege engines ready within a week or so.

GARROSH:  Well tell me this — when he says “a week or so,” does he mean a WEEK OR SO “week or so,” or is this a maybe-in-your-lifetime “week or so” like when those goblins “week or so”-ed their estimate on rebuilding the Orgrimmar ramparts after the Cataclysm?  Which they STILL haven’t finished two years later, by the way.

VOL’JIN:  So we be doin’ dis, eh mon?  Bringin’ da war to dis new land?

MALKOROK:  The war has already been brought, troll.  We now bring only victory.

GARROSH:  Once the equipment and siege engines are ready, it’s just a matter of lining up troop deployments.

MALKOROK:  Most able-bodied adults not otherwise committed to important duties have been conscripted for service, Warchief.  Rak’gor and I are in the process of assigning veteran supervisors to the new trainee program as well.

EITRIGG:  What trainee program is this?  I haven’t heard anything about it.

MALKOROK:  Nor would you.  It’s a Kor’kron program.

EITRIGG:  I didn’t realize the Kor’kron operated in secret now.  Has Saurfang adopted some new policy?

MALKOROK:  <visibly annoyed>  The program…is for recruiting and training of orcish youth for service to the Horde, as per the Warchief’d edict after the Northwatch Hold…events.

EITRIGG:  Orcish youth?  What age do you mean?

MALKOROK:  I shouldn’t need to tell you the traditional age of passage, old man.  Fourteen — the age a youth is fit to take a blade for the honor of his clan.

VOL’JIN:  By da spirits, mon, dey be children!

MALKOROK:  A boy is a man the day he can slay a foe in defense of home and kin, troll.  I wouldn’t expect you to understand such things.

VOL’JIN:  Yah, mon, I really don’ get out much.  Ya know, I don’ get invited to da cool kid parties.

GARROSH:  Can’t imagine why.

MALKOROK:  Nevertheless…don’t make it out as if the trainees are being handed swords and pushed blindly onto a battlefield — they are being trained and guided by some of our finest warriors.  If anything, this is an honor.

GARROSH:  Fourteen, though, huh?  I thought it was fifteen.

MALKOROK:  No, Warchief, fourteen.

GARROSH:  Are you certain?  I’m pretty sure it was always fifteen back in Nagrand.

MALKOROK:  No, sir.  I suppose that might have been a regional difference?

GARROSH:  Huh, okay.  Fourteen, then.

VOL’JIN:  I don’ be likin’ da sound a dis, mon.  Not one bit a it.  Draggin’ our war into other people’s lands, roundin’ up children ta make inta soldiers…

GARROSH:  Well imagine my surprise, Vol’jin.  Imagine my complete and total SHOCK to see YOU griping and complaining about what I’m doing.  You know, I might actually LISTEN to some of these objections of yours if you didn’t object to EVERY SINGLE THING I do.

VOL’JIN:  Maybe if ya listened once in a while before ya did dese tings, mon, ya wouldn’t have to listen to people complainin’ after ya did ’em.

MALKOROK:  I don’t hear anyone complaining except for you, troll.  Other than that simpering tauren you usually have leading you by the nose.  I’m half surprised he’s not here as well.

VOL’JIN:  I drew da short straw, mon.

GARROSH:  All right, enough of this.  Both of you quiet down.  It’s settled — we’re moving ahead with the Pandaria plan and getting ready for a departure within the next few weeks.  And TROLL, get this into your head: this is happening.  And I have no intention of listening to you bellyache every step of the way.

VOL’JIN:  Don’cha worry ’bout dat, mon.  If dere be one ting I know by now, it’s dat you ain’t gonna listen.

GARROSH:  Damn right.  You’re finally getting it.  Okay then… I think that covers everything.  I have another meeting I need to get to in the Drag in a few.  For now, let’s get things rolling gathering materials and finalizing troop assignments for the invasion.  Oh, and Eitrigg?

EITRIGG:  Yes, sir?

GARROSH:  When we compile the final roster, for the love of the spirits, make sure Dontrag and Utvoch aren’t on the list.

EITRIGG:  Yes, sir.

GARROSH:  There are going to be enough potential headaches as it is on this mission — the last thing I’m going to need it THOSE two yammering in my ear.

VOL’JIN:  Oh, hey, mon…

GARROSH:  Oh for fuck’s sake… What now?

VOL’JIN:  You talkin’ bout dem two orcs who got to Orgrimmar late after da Theramore raid?

GARROSH:  Yeah, you know them?

VOL’JIN:  Yah, mon, dey came by da Echo Isles after dat.  Dey was getting deyselves all confused, mon.

GARROSH:  “Confused” has a short ramp-up time for them.

VOL’JIN:  No, but listen, mon — dey was like, “It be de Echo Isles, right?  Den how come we can’t hear an echo when we talk?”  An’ dey kep’ tryin’ ta yell stuff into da air to see if dey could get an echo!

GARROSH:  <chortles>  Oh…dude…that’s like the time I was saying something to them about Razorfen Kraul, and they were like, “So do all the quillboar there crawl?  We thought they knew how to walk upright.  Is it some kind of a rule there?”

VOL’JIN:  <laughing>  Ya better not let dem go to da Howling Fjord, mon, dey might tink dey’re losing dey hearing ’cause dey don’ hear da howling!

GARROSH:  <chuckling>  Well hell, you should have seen them the first time they saw Thousand Needles.  “Are you sure it’s a thousand of them?  I only counted like 60.  Did we miss some?”

VOL’JIN:  <laughs more>  You shoulda told ’em we switched to da metric system, mon.

Garrosh guffaws, leaning against the table.  Vol’jin laughs heartily as well and wipes a tear from one eye.  After another moment spent laughing, Garrosh and Vol’jin look up at each other and both of their faces fade into uneasy expressions.

GARROSH:  <scowls>  Fucking troll.

VOL’JIN:  <aside, muttering>  Don’ blame me, mon, I voted for da basic campfire…

Garrosh and Vol’jin both get up and stomp out of the room in opposite directions.

When we last left Krog…

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , on December 2, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

krog

…he was fussing around in the Jade Forest checking on what was left of the original Horde fleet at Garrosh’ar Point.  (By the way, gotta admit, that name really does have a ring to it.  Too bad the place wound up getting trashed.)  I asked you all to chime in on what Krog should do next — because spirits forbid my investigator should make a decision on his own — and you guys decided that his priority should be tracking down Anduin, who’s apparently on the loose out there in Pandaria.  Because he happened to be on one of the Alliance ships cruising around the middle of nowhere in the southern oceans.  Because Varian’s really on top of his shit when it comes to watching out for his kid.  So for those of you keeping score at home, that makes him a shitty king, a shitty fighter, a shitty strategist, a shitty blogger, a shitty dancer, AND a shitty dad.  With shitty hair.  Also fuck you, Varian.

Anyway.

I sent the new orders along to Krog a couple days ago.  Here are highlights from his latest report from the field:

attempted to find a trail for anduin after his departure from the wreckage of the alliance flagship, but leads were inconclusive in light of heavy activity in the area recently.  stealthing through the pearlfin jinyu village revealed little, jinyu numbers seemed depleted as most warriors appear to have been sent elsewhere, but no indication of the prince.  also, alliance members appear to have left jinyu village as well.

pandaren of paw’don village remain under alliance influence.  i attempted to approach a village guard to make inquiries in support of anduin investigation.  greeted poorly.  also violently.  with equally poor and violent treatment from additional, rapidly arriving guards.  for future reference: pandaren not necessarily as cuddly as initial cursory observations would suggest.

after hasty exit from paw’don village, i was indulging in some cathartic venting at the pandaren guards (from safe distance), mainly elaborating on varieties of evisceration i would unleash on them given the chance to open with a good stunlock, when i began to experience odd sensations – unfocused violent urges, fits of anger, coupled with strange sense of mental detachment.

in the midst of these sensations, pandaren local appeared and began channeling a spell of some kind on me – violent impulses abated, and a handful of small black creatures spawned around me only to die immediately.  pandaren did not identify himself; too busy complaining about energies being brought by my “fellow strangers” to pandaria; added something about the land living and breathing, whatever that means.  wore distinctive hat and scarf (unsure if this looked goofy or cool on him).  when pressed for explanation, he directed me to a nearby pavilion, then left, making parting complaint about it being a busy week for him.  non-cuddly impression of the pandaren people gaining traction.

i made my way to the pavilion, where i met another pandaren native – THIS one was willing to give a name: lorewalker cho.  apparently a historian of some sort.  identified black creatures as manifestation of sentient dark energy called sha; added this was a minor manifestation; grew notably withdrawn when pressed on question of what a major manifestation would be like.  when questioned for leads on anduin, cho indicated that he’d spoken with others also looking for the prince – presumably alliance – and had helped give them visions to lead them in right direction.  i was able to convince him to show me one of these visions; brief vision revealed anduin traveling north with two pandaren, an older male and younger female, before parting ways.

i was able to follow the trail north and found the pandaren female – who was making preparations to bury the older male, her father, who had succumbed to injuries shortly after anduin’s departure.  she didn’t have much information, but did provide interesting development: while with anduin, they were intercepted by alliance SI:7 operatives who attempted to take the prince with them.  intent on pursuing other interests in pandaria, anduin used mind control on SI:7 agents to elude them.

Okay, I’m going to stop this here for just a second to point something out here.  These SI:7 people are supposed to be Varian’s elite team of secret agents or whatever.  And these people…the best of the best, the Alliance’s A#1 crack team…got bamboozled by a fourteen-year-old boy.

Can someone please explain to me WHY THE FUCK we haven’t beaten these people yet?

Okay, moving on.

followed anduin’s trail westward.  in transit, reached area called serpent’s heart, where a major battle had recently taken place – area littered with large number of hozen and jinyu bodies; ground scarred with surreal black-and-white patterns and dark energy tendrils; several larger versions of the black sha creatures swarming vicinity.

while surveying the area, gunshots broke out, seemingly from two directions.  i was grazed by a bullet, which took me out of stealth; initially confused as to how i could have been targeted while effectively invisible.  once unstealthed, however, i was pulled behind cover of rocks by horde operative: marksman shokia, who had been engaged in shoot-out with an alliance sniper.

between shots, shokia filled in some details: anduin had been captured by shademaster kiryn and was being held at horde base in hozen village prior to battle between horde and alliance here at serpent’s heart.  during battle, enormous sha creature appeared, spawned several lesser sha, and attacked both sides.  the primary sha was driven off and most survivors from both armies evacuated from field, but shokia and the alliance sniper were left behind in the confusion.  both have been trying to pick each other off from behind cover since.

awaiting further orders.

So, since Krog is apparently still unable to make a call on his own, even when he’s PINNED DOWN IN THE FIELD, I’ll kick it back to you all…