Archive for December, 2012

Monday mailbag

Posted in Mailbag with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 17, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

mail17

So it’s been a while since I did a mailbag.  How long, you ask?  GOOD QUESTION.  And the answer is, so long that in the intervening time I’ve gotten not one, but TWO letters from our old buddy ACC, so why don’t we get to it before he dashes off ANOTHER one, and start working our way through the ACC backlog.  As usual, actual letters from actual readers…

 

Hail, Warchief!

And greetings from the not-so-frozen South. Pro tip: NEVER go on a boat with General Nazgrim. I don’t know what he did to offend the Boat Gods, but… This is twice now that I’ve boarded a serviceable ship and disembarked from kindling. Mind you, there’s hardly anyone else I’d rather be with in a scrap. If you’re headed to a hot LZ you want him there with you, just don’t let him drive. Can’t add anything to what’s already been said about our allies and opponents except that while I’d pick semi-sentient monkeys over super-evolved murlocs any day, the “epic” clash was the goat-rope to end all goat-ropes. The least said about that, the better.

You’ve already heard about the giant vegetables in the Valley of the Four Winds. Turns out that the water makes for some pretty big beasties, too. And where there’s big game, you KNOW who’s not far behind. That’s right, Hemet Nesingwary’s pulled stakes from Sholazar and headed South. And be brought his boy with him. Got to say, it was awesome seeing them together. When you get down this way, you ought to swing by their camp and take a look around.

One other thing before I get back to work: that issue you mentioned last time? This place forces you to deal with things like that. What you bring within yourself draws spirits out of the land itself. Harsh therapy, but effective. I still stand by the necessity of what we did, but I do (slightly) regret the intemperate zeal.

–A Concerned Citizen

Ahh, so THAT’s where Hemet and his kid disappeared off to.  Good to hear, ACC – maybe now the old man can finally teach the kid a thing or two so he won’t be QUITE as big a fuck-up.  It was always pretty embarrassing dropping by their camp in Stranglethorn, and having the guy supposedly in charge be far and away the least competent hunter there.  Then again, I guess that’s the way management tends to go, right?  Mediocrity rises, so the person in charge usually winds up being the biggest dumbass?

Anyway, good point about Nazgrim.  No question as to his military skills, but for future engagements I’m thinking I might send him in AFTER the initial wave, so I can just have him ported in without having to roll the dice putting him on another ship.  Though come to think of it, that could make for an interesting experiment…like if we put him on a vehicle to some other part of Pandaria right now, would that one crash too?  If I told him to take one of the pandas’ balloons somewhere, would the balloon go all hydrogen bomb clear out of the blue?  Is anyone else thinking I might seriously have to try some of this out once I get down there, even if unbeknownst to Nazgrim I’d be putting his physical safety at sustained risk for no reason other than a puckish blend of curiosity and thirst for amusement?

 

Hail, Warchief!

There’s a rumor going around that the EO servers are shutting off this coming Friday. Heard anything about this?

–A Concerned Citizen

Wait, what?  Shutting off as in permanently?  I know they usually have some downtime for maintenance, but that’s usually on Tuesdays, isn’t it?  Why would they shut down the game?  They only just put out a new expansion.  I mean yeah, they lost some subscribers the last year or so, but still, I don’t see them shutting down at this point.

Or is this some kind of in-game apocalypse deal?  Because you DO get some of those RP-happy people who are all about the second coming of that Jesus guy.  Who, by the way, could they make it any more obvious where they got THAT lore character from?  I mean, come on…he walks on water and comes back from the dead, so he obviously has to be a shaman, and he’s all hippy granola-crunchy let’s-all-get-along-and-be-friends, and millions of people just dote over him and think he’s the most awesome thing, which just feeds into his whole deal where he thinks he’s the ultimate savior, and come on, could they make it any more painfully obvious who he’s supposed to be?  We might as well just call him Beige Thrall.  Although I don’t know why people make such a big deal about him coming back.  Do they really expect the guy to just show up again and take over or something?

 

This parchment has a few sketches around the edges in multicolored inks. Dontrag and Utvoch are recognizable, as are Nazgrel and Neferatti. The remaining sketches are of a naaru, a warp stalker, and a nether ray. The lettering is spaced a bit erratically and is far from ornate, but is readable without excessive effort.

Dear Mr Warchief Sir:

I herd abot Mr Mokvar. I hop he gets bettr soon. I kno you need a scrib now, and I want to voula valun help. I hav ben trayning with a teechr who says Im doing much bettr than I was. I wud tell you all abot her and abot evrything Ive bin doing, but that wud tak too long and I want to mail this now. Pleese let me be your scrib!

The letter is signed with an inky pawprint and the name “Taktani.”

Um…

<sigh>

Yeah, how about I get back to you on that.

Fucking hell, somebody get me a list of the inscription trainers and vendors around here, there’s gotta be SOMEONE I can rope into taking this damn job…

In unrelated news HEY EVERYBODY KEEP THOSE SCRIBE APPLICATIONS COMING IN, and hoo boy, Mokvar, heal up fast, dude.

 

Greetings Warchief,

I have been spending a good deal of time in Pandaria per your orders and have been getting to know the natives.  Recently I took a quick trip home for a bit of a break and a grave injustice has become apparent to me.

tokamailbag

In Panderia the natives are more than happy to allow me to have one of my pets hanging around with me.  They are more than happy to serve grain to my goat Moe while I am enjoying refreshments of my own.  That same scene does not play out at home.  I was actually kicked out of Silvermoon City by one of those constructs that what’s his name has running around the city because one of my felines had a small accident in the city.  I was in the process of cleaning it up when I was ushered out of the city.  Even in Ogrimmar people get testy if one of my pets is curled up at my feet while I enjoy a drink.

Is there something you could do to make Hunter pets more welcome in Horde areas?  They put their lives on the line in the service of the Horde same as any other veteran in your army.  We train them well and they are not dangerous to civilians that keep their hands off of them.

Thank you for your time Warchief,

–Toka Armripper

Hey Toka.  Well, you know, legally speaking, pets are kosher here in Orgrimmar.  I can’t really speak for what they do in Silvermoon – the business with the construct-robot-thingy seems kind of lame, but that’s Regent-Lord Ponytail for you.  Maybe he’s afraid the smell from any potential pet accidents might soak into his conditioner or some shit.  Point is, though, over in Silvermoon or Undercity or Thunder Bluff or, hell, the Echo Isles, they all set their local ordinances about pets, and frankly, I get enough headaches from the other city leaders trying to get them go along with my orders on the big stuff like war and conscription and glorious battle…I don’t want to even THINK about the caterwauling I’ll have to deal with if I start trying to meddle around with smaller local regulations like pet control too.  Sylvanas will probably give me another one of her speeches about centralized government versus cities’ rights.

As for people getting testy in Orgrimmar if you bring your pets into the bar with you, well, frankly, fuck ’em.  Really.  The law here is that your pets are allowed in there as long as you keep them under control, so if people don’t like it, fuck ’em.  That’s the one thing – no matter what the law is, there’s not much you can do about people’s attitudes, so like it or not, there are always going to be some malcontents who are going to grumble.  I mean, hell, a couple weeks ago I was taking Mortimer around Orgrimmar is stretch his legs a little, and he went sniffing up to this old orc woman – and I don’t mean the fit, MILFy kind of older orc woman like Garona, I mean old and cranky and bloated and draped in fur-lined imperial silk robes for no reason other than LOOK AT ME I’M FANCY and hasn’t done a sit-up since the Second War.  And so Mortimer started sniffing at her, and I told her not to worry, he’s friendly.  And she was all sneery like, “Well I’m not an animal lover.”  And so I said, “That’s okay, he’s not a heartless unfeeling cow lover.”  And of course just then there were a couple tauren walking by, so, you know, awkward.

 

Random Weirdness spotted – Oppan Garrosh Style

[If you’re unable to view the embedded video, you can link to it here.]

I’m just…

that was…

uh…

Ok.

–Quelita, Tarren Mill

Yeah, what of it?

I slaughter Alliance, I write EPIC VERSE, I sing.

It’s called being a triple threat.  Deal with it, bitches.

 

That’s it for this time around.  As always, keep those letters coming to garrosh1337@gmail.com.

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When we last left Krog…

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 16, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

twinspirekeep

I have Krog’s latest report from Pandaria, and considering I’m going to be on my way there sooner rather than later, this intel he’s gathering is going to start becoming pretty damn important.  Before I get to that, though, let me address a couple other items quickly, since everybody seems to have been having a low-grade freak-out the last couple days.  Specifically, about Mokvar.

So before everyone starts rolling out their full-on crazy over this, yes, Mokvar is okay.  A little banged up, yeah, but he’ll be fine.  I’m just giving him a little time to rest up and get his head together before I have him back on the job, seeing as I figure it must do a number on you when, y’know, you die and shit.  I’ve got a regular guard keeping watch on his place, and I know Ji Firepaw has been dropping by regularly to check on him.  He’ll be fine as long as everybody doesn’t start coming on like gangbusters, so please put your panties back on and try to calm the fuck down.

I’ve got Malkorok looking into this business.  I don’t much like the fact that something like this went down, not least of all because it means somebody was able to get into Orgrimmar and target one of my aides.  I’ve seen a few other reports the last few days about a shadowy figure or something being seen sneaking around the city, which doesn’t exactly make me bubble over with good feelings about security around here.  Frankly, if Krog weren’t down there in Pandaria, I would probably have him do some extra sleuthing up here.  I may have to look into a few investigative options as it is.

Anyway, speaking of Krog, let’s get back to the man himself.  You all voted to have him get back to business and check on whatever happened with the original landing party out of Garrosh’ar Point.  (Man, I still really do like the ring of that name.)  So, with no further ado…

 

shokia accompanied me from grookin hill and we made our way south.  en route we passed a cottage that shokia says had been occupied by a ‘jade witch’ who had turned sergeant garrok into a jade statue; eventually garrok was restored and brought back to grookin hill to recover.

 

Huh.  Now that’s some weird business, turning living people into minerals and back…might want to look into that later.  Could be handy in a few different ways…

 

also en route passed pandaren settlement at paw’don village.  village had formed ties with alliance; passed a bit too close; these pandaren markedly less friendly than the wandering isle lot.

 

Now that I think of it, these pandas might possibly have been crankier than the Wandering Isle pandas because they were mad about not getting to go on the turtle ride…

 

horde forces had withdrawn to nearby fortress called twinspire keep; find attached schematic outlining fortress layout and grounds.  upon arrival, discovered remaining landing party had been killed by alliance aerial attack.

 

Side note here before I get too pissed off about the good people we lost there – from the looks of it, this Twinspire Keep place is pretty much identical to Thunder Hold, the base that the initial Alliance force had taken over, the one Nazgrim and his people took out when they first arrived.  And… I mean… what are the odds of that? The first wave of each side’s troops set up shop in identical fortresses, only to be neutralized by the SECOND wave of the OTHER side’s forces, with a soon-to-be-friendly panda village right neaby?  Seriously, is that freaky coincidental or what?

 

no survivors, by all indications.  shokia and i took a few hours to tend to the bodies; alliance had left them to rot on the ground.

 

Of course they did.  Because they’re so pure and noble and honorable.  And they call us savages.

 

was able to identify bodies of commander dalgan and bellandra felstorm.  also appears that warlocks had summoned demonic beholder, body of which was also found.  note: burnt rotting demon corpses smell very, very bad.

inside keep, found body of warlock ga’trul along with his journal; will hold for your inspection at next opportunity.  while body was identifiable, also appeared to have been corrupted somehow; entire body had taken on dark gray hue, hands and arms had morphed into claws, further deformations of body.  inconsistent with metamorphoses usually observed with warlocks.

gist of journal: ga’trul assumed command of fleet after captain krug was killed during initial engagement with alliance.  ga’trul seemed to grow increasingly hostile and paranoid during time in keep.  then again, he ended up being killed, so maybe not so paranoid.  he attempted to barter with paw’don pandaren without success; took forsaken suggestion to abduct pandaren cubs to use as bargaining chips; eventually there appears to have been a sharp rift between orc and forsaken forces within the keep.

 

Okay, so…wait, what?  The what happened?  The what times like five?  They had a frigging insurrection within the group?  How the hell did that happen?

 

shokia has expressed intention to return north to check on garrok and rejoin nazgrim and others.  awaiting further instructions.

 

Which leads us to our two main leads we could have Krog follow up on: that surprise expedition that Baine had sent to Pandaria, or the creepy-ass similarity between Ga’trul’s body and these sha creatures.  Or, hell, I’ll toss another option into the mix, since I was just talking about this a few paragraphs up…

 

Death of the author

Posted in General with tags , , on December 14, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

mokvar

Just a quick update today.  Lots going on, and my attention is needed in a dozen different places at once, partly for reasons that will be obvious in a minute.  So let’s get to the main news item.

Late last night, Mokvar was killed.

Damn good thing he’s a shaman, right?  Those ankhs come in handy.  So, he’s up and living again – still injured, though, and more than a little shaken up.

Details are still sketchy.  After yesterday’s strategy session, Mokvar had gone to see Ji Firepaw in the Valley of Honor.  Ji went with Mokvar back top the Drag, which is kind of a sketchy part of town to get caught in late at night.  As it happens, it was a lucky thing Ji was around, because Mokvar having Ji fighting beside him probably made the difference between Mokvar ankhing his way home and winding up getting double-tapped.  Because whoever it was apparently knew Mokvar is a shaman, and waited for him to pop up again.

We don’t know much about the attackers, other than there being more than one.  It was dark and there weren’t any witnesses that we know of other than Mokvar and Ji.  All we really know is that Mokvar was jumped by two or three dark figures – definitely humanoid, but cloaked in shadow enough that nobody seems to be able to pin down many details – and that Mokvar and Ji were able to fight them off until they fled.  With a good-guy death and rebirth mixed in there for good measure.

I’m having Malkorok look into this business personally.  In the meantime, while Mokvar is recovering, I’m having a Kor’kron guard assigned to his house.  Whoever this was, they’re still on the loose, and I’m not leaving anything to chance.

And in the meantime-meantime…now I need to find myself a temporary scribe.  Right when I’d finally gotten the first one broken in and everything.  Why does this kind of inconvenient crap always happen to ME?

Best-laid plans

Posted in General, Transcripts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 13, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

org7

So I’ve been working with my trainees the last couple days, and other than the fact that by and large they have the attention span of a gnat on caffeine, and the fact that they seem to find every random thing hilarious, especially if you try to get them to STOP finding it hilarious, because when you try to get them to take something seriously for a change boy oh boy that REALLY brings on the LOL’s, and…what was I talking about?  I swear I should try to edit some of these things when I write them.  That is, if Spazzle can ever get his twitchy green ass around to showing me where the damn delete key is again.

Okay, so take two.  The trainees.  Once you get past all the crap that makes fourteen year olds annoying, which granted is a lot, they’re actually pretty good.  I mean you can definitely see the makings of some pretty decent warriors among the bunch of them.  Gurtash included, obviously, but then he does have kind of an unfair edge, what with me already having been showing him a few tricks.  I’ll keep you all posted on how this whole thing goes.

In the meantime, we had another planning session for Pandaria today.  We’re getting close to being ready to go…

 

EITRIGG:  Preparations are going to schedule, Warchief.  The fleet is now fully assembled at Bladefist Bay, and Grizzle Gearslip assures me that the last of the siege engines will be ready within a few days.

MALKOROK:  I would recommend keeping the fleet on rotating patrols until we’re ready to depart, Warchief.  If we keep the entire fleet docked, and the Alliance launches an attack…

GARROSH:  Good call.  I assume you can work out a rotation with Drok and the other captains?

MALKOROK:  I’ll see to the arrangements, Warchief.

GARROSH:  Good.  One other question.

MALKOROK:  Yes, sir?

GARROSH:  Who the hell are these people?

Garrosh points to two other orcs sitting around Malkorok at the conference table.

MALKOROK:  Sir?  You’ve already met Rak’gor Bloodrazor here; he was at our last strategy session.

GARROSH:  Oh, yeah, I remember him now.  Who’s the other guy?

MALKOROK:  Another one of my lieutenants, sir.  This is Gul’tar – former apprentice of Ga’trul, in fact, from the initial Pandaia landing force.

EITRIGG:  Did we ever find out exactly what happened with them, incidentally?

GARROSH:  Not much other than being pretty well wiped out by the second wave of Alliance forces.

MALKOROK:  You mean the ones that had to recruit the local fish men to fill out their ranks?

GARROSH:  <sighs>  Yes.

EITRIGG:  Speaking of which, as well, since we’re drawing close to being ready, we might want to gather as much information as possible on the land and its peoples.

MALKOROK:  I would imagine that may be a rare instance when those…preposterous new pandaren arrivals might prove useful.

GARROSH:  You’ve been getting pretty close to Ji since he started playing EO, haven’t you, Mokvar?  Pick up anything useful from him?

MOKVAR:  Not really.  Here’s the thing – Ji and all his people came from a place called the Wandering Isle, which isn’t actually part of Pandaria proper.

EITRIGG:  It’s an island nearby, though, isn’t it?

MOKVAR:  Well, sometimes.

EITRIGG:  Sometimes?

MOKVAR:  It’s technically not an island.

EITRIGG:  What is it, then?

GARROSH:  Hold on to your ass for this one…

MOKVAR:  It’s a giant turtle.

MALKOROK:  …What?

MOKVAR:  The Wandering Isle is a giant turtle that swims around the ocean – usually near Pandaria, but not always.  The pandaren that live there basically built a whole civilization on its back.  A lot of them don’t even know the truth about the “island.”

MALKOROK:  <grumbling>  Warchief… I suspect your…scribe here may be providing faulty intelligence.

GARROSH:  No, I got this same story about the Wandering Islse from Ji.

MALKOROK:  This would be the same pandaren who appears to be forever getting himself stuck in tight openings in the pursuit of food?

EITRIGG:  So I assume that since the Huojin live separately from the Pandaren mainland…?

MOKVAR:  They haven’t had any contact with the place in generations.  No help there as far as providing useful information.

GARROSH:  I guess we’ll have to get by on what we’re able to learn from Nazgrim and Krog, then.

MOKVAR:  While I’m thinking of it, though, Ji was asking me earlier about what’s going on in Ragefire Chasm.  I guess he had a few of his people go down there—

MALKOROK:  Is this really important enough to interrupt our planning, scribe?  You can’t seriously think the confusion of those perpetually confused bear people is more relevant than the imminent invasion.

MOKVAR:  I was just wondering—

MALKOROK:  Wonder all you want, scribe, just do it quietly.  Now then…

Vol’jin enters.

VOL’JIN:  Hey, mon, sorry I be late ta da meetin’!

GARROSH:  Oh fucking hell, who told him about the meeting THIS time?

VOL’JIN:  Was I not supposed ta know, mon?

GARROSH:  Not exactly.

VOL’JIN:  Oh, was ya plannin’ a surprise party for me, mon?  Is dere cake?

GARROSH:  <rubbing his forehead>  No, we’re not throwing you a surprise…you know what, fuck it, just sit down, Vol’jin.

VOL’JIN:  Tank ya, Warchief.

Vol’jin walks over to Malkorok at the table and turns to Gul’tar.

Ya be in ma seat, mon.

GUL’TAR:  I…what?

VOL’JIN:  Dat seat, mon.  Dat’s where I always sit.  Ya be in ma spot, mon.

GARROSH:  Vol’jin, does it actually matter?

VOL’JIN:  Ya, mon!  I’m a creature of habit, an’ I be feelin’ all outta sorts if I don’ sit in ma normal place!  Besides…

Vol’jin claps Malkorok on the shoulder jovially; Malkorok jumps in surprise, then glares up at Vol’jin.

…Malkorok an’ me tight now, an’ I be missin’ ma buddy if I sit somewhere else!

GUL’TAR:  <grumbles and turns to Malkorok>  I’ll just move, sir.  I would…hate to occupy the troll’s place.

Gul’tar moves over one seat.  Vol’jin sits next to Malkorok.  Malkorok stares at him icily for a moment; Vol’jin replies with an exaggerated grin.

GARROSH:  So…back to business.  What’s our latest from General Nazgrim?

EITRIGG:  He and his team have recovered from their injuries and indicate they’re making inroads with some of the pandaren in the northern mountains.

VOL’JIN:  Dey all make it t’rough okay?

EITRIGG:  Shademaster Kiryn and Rivett Clutchpop made it fine.  It seems their marksman, Shokia, is unaccounted for.

GARROSH:  I wouldn’t worry too much about her

EITRIGG:  Nazgrim reports the northern pandaren are in conflict with a tauren offshoot race.  He doesn’t make it sound like too dire a situation, though.

GARROSH:  Not something we need to worry much about, anyway, if this is going on in the northern regions.  We’ll be coming in along the southern coast.

MALKOROK:  Do we have any operatives scouting the south for us, then?

EITRIGG:  Just a number of volunteers who’ve been making their way around the continent of their own accord and checking in when they can.

VOL’JIN:  I tink dere was a group of Baine’s people doin’ some explorin’ in da sout’ too, mon.

MALKOROK:  What?  Bloodhoof sent his own expedition to Pandaria?

VOL’JIN:  Ya, mon.  Sunwalker Dezco was leadin’ it.

MALKOROK:  And why, I wonder, would he presume to send his own detachment without clearing it with Orgrimmar?

VOL’JIN:  I didn’t know da tauren had to ask permission ta do tings.

MALKOROK:  A loyal member of the Horde should be clearing obvious military operations with their Warchief, troll.

GARROSH:  Do you want to explain why Baine apparently saw fit to tell YOU about this expedition and not ME?

VOL’JIN:  <beaming>  I’m a people person, mon!

MALKOROK:  At best, this stinks of insubordination, Warchief.  And potentially disloyalty of a far worse kind.  How do we know they’re not conspiring for their own purposes?

EITRIGG:  You cannot seriously think the tauren would be engaged in something illicit?

MALKOROK:  I do not trust that Baine or the rest of his ilk.  He’s put himself at odds with the Warchief too many times already.

VOL’JIN:  Ya tink he’s disloyal, mon?  I been speakin’ my mind to Garrosh, too – ya be tinkin’ I’m a traitor?

GARROSH:  Not a traitor, Vol’jin, but I’ll tell you in no uncertain terms, the two of you HAVE been a grade-A pain in the ass the last few months.

MALKOROK:  As far as I’m concerned, you could very well be conspiring with him on whatever he’s up to.  Don’t think I’m not keeping an eye on you, troll.

VOL’JIN:  Oh, don’cha be worryin’, mon.  If I was ever workin’ against ya in secret, you’d know.

GARROSH:  I…  <rubs forehead>  That…doesn’t even make sense, you stupid troll.  By definition

VOL’JIN:  Besides, mon, ya don’ have ta be worryin’ about Dezco an’ his people.  He even has one a da orcs wit him.

EITRIGG:  Who?

VOL’JIN:  Kor Bloodtusk, I tink ’is name was.

MALKOROK:  A weak-minded puppet, most likely, lured over to that tauren’s misguided way of thinking.

MOKVAR:  I have to say, actually—

MALKOROK:  <glares>  What do you want, scribe?

Mokvar looks down.

Now then—

MOKVAR:  <turning back to Malkorok>  What I want?  I want to live just long enough to be there when they cut off your head and stick it on a pike.

Behind Malkorok, Vol’jin beams and high-fives the air in Mokvar’s direction.

Or were you looking for something a little less big-picture?

MALKOROK:  <glaring>  Count yourself lucky, scribe, that you’re in the Warchief’s good graces…

MOKVAR:  Yeah, because you would never—

EITRIGGGentlemen.

GARROSH:  Yeah, guys, enough.  Cool your jets, both of you, we don’t have time for this crap.

MALKOROK:  Of course, Warchief…

GARROSH:  So, Vol’jin, now that everybody’s gotten all riled up over the tauren expedition, have we heard anything from them that would actually be USEFUL?

VOL’JIN:  Da one ting I heard was dere be a lotta old ruins from an older race, dat ruled before da pandaren.  I don’ know anyt’ing about ’em, but from da ruins it sounds like dey was everywhere.

EITRIGG:  Hmm.  Possibly worth assigning a team from the Reliquary to join the expedition to look into?

GARROSH:  Yeah, maybe.  This is a military operation, not an archaeology dig, but calling in some of the blood elves on this might help smooth things over with ol’ what’s-his-name.  Captain Peroxide.

MOKVAR:  How’s his eye doing, by the way?

GARROSH:  Don’t ask.

MOKVAR:  Ah.

GARROSH:  Anyway…  I think that covers everything for today, doesn’t it, Eitrigg?

EITRIGG:  Yes, sir.  I don’t think there was anything else on the agenda.

VOL’JIN:  Good party as always, mon.  Next one at my place!

MOKVAR:  If we’re done here, I’m going to head over to the Valley of Honor.  I need to catch up with Ji about a couple things.

GARROSH:  Good, keep him out of trouble for a few hours.

MALKOROK:  If you’ll excuse me then, Warchief, Rak’gor and I have a few arrangements to make ourselves.

VOL’JIN:  Don’ forget ta pick up da cake dis time, mon.

Malkorok blinks at Vol’jin, then shakes his head as he leaves, grumbling, with Rak’gor and Gul’tar.

<chuckling to himself>  Never gets old, mon, never gets old…

 

 

[Header image provided by Khizzara from Blog of the Treant, used here with permission and many thanks.]

Being a role model is a full-time job

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , on December 11, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

training

This week, Malkorok has been busy implementing his trainee program for teenage recruits from Orgrimmar.  He’s sending out notices to anyone age fourteen on up to seventeen – assuming they’re fit and able, and don’t have some other issues like, I don’t know, just off the top of my head here, outstanding community service hours cleaning the swine pens at Jaggedswine Farm after getting caught toilet papering Grommash Hold.  I’m speaking hypothetically here, of course.  The recruits will all be grouped by age and ability and assigned to small training units under the supervision of an accomplished veteran.  From there, they’ll start preparing to eventually fight for the glory of the Horde.

And now, before everyone starts QQ’ing, because I know there are a lot of people who read this blog who aren’t orcs (and speaking of which, fuck you, Varian), let me explain this so I don’t have to listen to a great wailing and gnashing of teeth from across the internet.

First of all, we’re not stealing anyone away from their families, if that’s what you’re thinking.  The trainees do their activities for the day and then they go home, just the same as if they were at school.  Which they pretty much ARE.  Which brings me to the next point.

We’re not just rounding up these kids and running them straight out onto a battlefield.  Yes, that would be stupid.  Do you seriously think I would do something stupid?  This is TRAINING we’re talking about here.  They’re learning about combat and self-defense and working as a unit, to get them READY for down the line when they’ll be needed for the war effort.  Nobody is getting sent into actual battle until they’re ready.  That’s the point – to GET them ready, not just to treat perfectly good future warriors as disposable cannon fodder.  (That’s what Dontrag and Utvoch are for.)

And, hell, before you all get in a tizzy over “But, but, they’re just kids!” – listen.  Orcs are not as long-lived a race as a lot of the others here on Azeroth.  People don’t seem to get this.  Cairne Bloodhoof was over 100 years old and still kicking ass, most recently mine, before, well, you know.  You’re not going to see me up and about at 100.  I’m probably not going to make it to 70.  That’s freaking OLD for an orc.  I know that might be hard to grasp for some of you – especially you elves, what with how you live for like hundreds of years.  Which means you’re probably considered a kid until you hit like 100 years old.  (And by the way, speaking of which: does that mean you elves are adolescents for like 50 years or something?  Because seriously, all you non-elves, can you imagine that?  Puberty lasting for 50 years?  I seriously would have killed myself.)

Anyway, point being, fourteen and fifteen are not as young for us as a lot of you seem to think.  Hell, I’m 34, and people keep referring to me as “young,” but by orc standards that pretty much makes me a middle-aged man.

Hang on.

Spirits help me, where the fuck did my life go?

Anyway.

Point is, everyone needs to just calm the fuck down and put their panties back on over this.

One thing related to the training program, though.  I was going over Malkorok’s rosters and happened to notice a few recruits from the Orgrimmar orphanage – including, you guessed it, Gurtash.  I know the kid’s got a lot of potential, but I also got to thinking it might be good to keep an eye on him, so I told Malkorok I would take charge of that trainee unit personally.  Malkorok wasn’t too happy about that, but then, he’s Malkorok – since when is he ever happy about anything, AMIRITE?  I think he felt like it was a job beneath the station of the Warchief, or whatever, but as it turns out, Gurtash was being placed un a high-aptitude group – no surprise there – so I spun it as me personally supervising the training of the best.  And also, as I succintly put it to Malkorok, I’m doing it because I’m the WARCHIEF and I SAID SO.

So, I’ve got a new gig a few times a week.  And really, I already play a teacher on Earth Online – how hard could it be in real life?  I have my first meeting with the kids later today, to start laying some groundwork for their training.  Should be simple enough.  The group’s going to consist of Gurtash and about a dozen other kids around his age.  How hard could a bunch of fourteen year olds be?

 

 

ADDENDUM, later:  Holy fucking hell, what have I done to myself?

When we last left Krog…

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 10, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

serpentsheart

So Krog’s latest report from Pandaria came in yesterday.  I was planning to post this update last night, but while I was startung to get the post together, I made the mistake of tabbing over to Earth Online, and telling myself I could just talk with the guild a little while I was working.  And you know how that goes, right?  “I’ll just tab over for a minute” = nothing gets done in the original window ever.

As it turns out, I happened to log on just in time for another Lor’themar hissy fit over people not knowing who he is.  So that was fun.  I told him to cool it, and he was like “Why don’t you come here and make me?”, and dude didn’t seem to get the fact that e-thugging empty threats doesn’t work so well when the guy you’re mouthing off to knows your home address and had a hunch of mages on staff.

I’m at least 50% sure his face will heal up okay.  And even if not, maybe an eyepatch would help toughen up his look anyway.

Anyhow, that’s what was going on yesterday.  So now, let’s get caught up with our buddy Krog in Pandaria.  You guys voted – by a hair – to send him back to the hozen camp to secure Anduin.  When we last left him, he and Shokia were pinned down by an Alliance sniper at Serpent’s Heart.  And so…

 

begging the warchief’s pardon, but while waiting for your further instructions matters reached a point where action was needed.

 

I mean really, how high-maintenance are some of my minions that they basically say “Sorry I went ahead and did something without your go-ahead when I was getting shot at”?

 

alliance sniper’s shots were keeping me and shokia pinned down tightly.  i stealthed and tried to scout her position but was unable to get a clear read through the greenery.  meanwhile sniper was somehow able to make fairly good estimates of my position even while stealthed.  eventually used smoke bombs to give myself and shokia cover to withdraw, and made our way north.

good news and bad news upon arrival at horde/hozen camp at grookin hill.

good news: general nazgrim, kiryn, and rivett clutchpop all survived battle at serpent’s heart and have been moved west to pandaren settlement at binan village to recover from injuries.

 

Okay, well, I already knew that much, seeing as I’d gotten the report on that from Nazgrim himself, but yeah, that is good news.  Although he seemed to leave out the whole Anduin thing, which is kind of troubling.  Also most of the business about the giant black demon thingy that came out of nowhere and handed him his ass.

 

bad news: apparently in the confusion of the battle, anduin escaped.

 

I… He… They…

Hang on.

Sorry.  I had to go schedule a one-on-one session with Ben-Lin Cloudstrider to work on methods for dealing with this sudden inexplicable SEETHING FIT OF SOUL-RENDING RAGE that I seem to be experiencing at the moment FOR SOME REASON, which may or may not be related to the likelihood that EVERYONE ON MY PAYROLL IS APPARENTLY COMPLETELY FUCKING INCOMPETENT.

How – HOW, can you please EXPLAIN this to me – can these people POSSIBLY let the fucking PRINCE OF STORMWIND get away “in the confusion”?  What the fuck does that even MEAN?  What confusion?  The battle was a ways away from the camp, so why would there even have been any confusion there?  Or was someone actually cosmically stupid enough to think it was a good idea to bring a high-profile captive WITH them to a battle?

I’m seriously going to have to get my ass down there to Pandaria, because this is just too fucking much.

 

welcome back, warchief – i assume you had to step away for a moment after reading that last bit.

 

Okay, credit where it’s due.  Dude knows me.

 

hozen unclear on which way anduin may have fled.  not surprising; hozen unclear on most things unrelated to feces.  likeliest possibilities appear to be westward across the river, which would take anduin toward farming district; and southward, toward alliance encmapment and area where anduin was originally captured.

standing by for further orders.

 

Anger management

Posted in General, Transcripts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 7, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

org6

The other day I mentioned there being some meeting that Orphan Matron Battlewail wanted me to attend if I were serious about getting Gurtash.  She had me check in with Social Services, which is being run by some goblins these days.  Don’t ask me how that happened.  But they filled in a little more of the story.  They’ve got one of Ji Firepaw’s panda friends holding a kind of seminar on dealing with anger, and they’ve opened it up to anybody who wants to attend.  The only catch – well, other than the fact that this whole fucking waste of time is one huge catch in itself since WTF why do these fuckers keep acting like I’ve got some kind of fucking problem with my goddamn temper or some shit – is that they want all the attendees to have someone come with them, sort of a sponsor.  My first thought was to bring Malkorok, seeing as he’s technically my bodyguard and should be going places with me anyway, but then I got to thinking that this gig might not be the kind of thing that…well…let’s just say the purposes of the session might not be facilitated by having Malkorok in the room.

Plus, really, why do I need a bodyguard again?  Isn’t that kind of like getting a watch dog to guard your giant rabid wolverine?

So, bottom line, I got Mokvar to come with me.  Which also had the added benefit of…

 

Garrosh and Mokvar enter a room in which several chairs have been arranged in a circle.  At the far end of the room, a middle-aged pandaren woman is talking with Eitrigg.

GARROSH:  So, um, we’re here for the meeting?  Not sure we’ve got the right place.

The pandaren woman, all smiles, walks over to greet them.

PANDAREN:  Oh, no, you are in the right place, Warchief.  It is good to see you again.

GARROSH:  Yeah, you too.  We’ve met?

PANDAREN:  <laughs softly>  Yes, a few weeks back, but I will understand if you do not remember me.  You were meeting quite a few of us from the Wandering Isle that day.

GARROSH:  Ah.  Yeah.  And to be honest, no offense, most of you pandas still sort of blend together for me.

PANDAREN:  Are you saying my people all look alike to you?

GARROSH:  Actually not so much all look alike as there are like six variations I can recognize.

MOKVAR:  To be fair, I’m not sure we orcs are much better.

GARROSH:  True enough.  And the less said about the trolls the better.

MOKVAR:  Well, Vol’jin stands out some.

GARROSH:  Well yeah.  I was going to ask the other day, actually – did he have some work done?  He looks different.

MOKVAR:  I was wondering that too!  So I’m not the only one that noticed?

GARROSH:  Dude, he sprouted an extra toe on the backs of his feet.

MOKVAR:  Seriously?  That’s freaky as hell.

GARROSH:  I know, right?  <looks back to the pandaren woman>  Anyway…um…we can probably discuss this another time.

The woman smiles bemusedly.

PANDAREN:  In any case, Warchief, it is good to meet you more properly now.  <extends her paw>  I am Ben-Lin Cloudstrider.  I have been a student of meditation among our people for many years.  I look forward to sharing some of these techniques with you today.

GARROSH:  Yeah.  Great.  So listen, Ben, how long you figure this is going to take?

BEN-LIN:  The session shall take as long as it takes.

GARROSH:  Ah.  One of those.  Terrific.

MOKVAR:  So, Eitrigg, what are you doing here?

GARROSH:  Yeah, Eitrigg, you never struck me as having a temper.

EITRIGG:  I don’t really.  I’m not here for me; I’m sponsoring a friend.  He just hasn’t gotten here yet.

GARROSH:  Ah, okay.  Wait…hold on…a “friend”?  Please don’t tell me…

Tirion Fordring enters.

TIRION:  Ah, greetings, Warchief!  A pleasure as always to see you once again.  And doubly so, of course, for you, Eitrigg, my dear friend of many years.  Far too many days have passed since last we enjoyed each other’s company…

GARROSH:  <rubbing his forehead>  Dude, you just saw him a couple months ago.  I know.  I was there.

TIRION:  Perhaps!  Perhaps, good Warchief!  And perhaps indeed the calendar might insist that the interval has been short – but the spirit, my friend, the spirit tells me the time has been long!  For surely, good Garrosh, you know of those imes when the moments feel far longer than the clock might otherwise claim.

GARROSH:  <still rubbing his forehead>  All too well, Tirion…

MOKVAR:  Eitrigg, I’m still not sure I understand.  Tirion never struck me as very temperamental either.

Eitrigg, standing behind Tirion, makes a drinking motion with his hand.

Ah.  Got it.

BEN-LIN:  It appears more of our attendees are arriving.  I should introduce myself, if you will pardon me a moment.

Ben-Lin steps toward the door, where Lor’themar Theron enters, accompanied by Liadrin.  While Ben-Lin talks to them, Faranell enters and walks over to Garrosh and Mokvar.

GARROSH:  Hey, Doc.

FARANELL:  Hey.

MOKVAR:  You’re here for the meeting too, Edwin?

FARANELL:  Mmhmm.  As soon as I heard about this, I cleared my schedule for this afternoon.

MOKVAR:  I didn’t know you had anger issues.

FARANELL:  I don’t.

Faranell sits down and takes out a large bag of popcorn.

Lor’themar and Liadrin leave Ben-Lin and approach Garrosh et al.  Ben-Lin circles around and talks with Tirion and Eitrigg in the background.

MOKVAR:  Hey Liadrin.

LIADRIN:  Hello, Mokvar.  Edwin.  Warchief.

GARROSH:  Hey, Liadrin.  Who’s your friend?  Is he sponsoring you or something?

LOR’THEMAR:  You see?  YOU SEE?  This is EXACTLY what I was talking about!  Every time!  EVERY SINGLE TIME!  No matter HOW many damn times I meet them, the NEXT time it’s always “Oh, so who’s this guy?”

LIADRIN:  Now now, try to calm down, sir…

GARROSH:  Okay, standing corrected on who’s sponsoring who here.

LIADRIN:  This has been a long time coming, frankly.

GARROSH:  Yeah, fine, but seriously, who IS he?

LOR’THEMAR:  <shaking Garrosh violently>  I’M LOR’THEMAR THERON, YOU PEA-BRAINED, MOUTH-BREATHING OAF!  RULER OF SILVERMOON!  LEADER OF THE BLOOD ELVES!  I BUILT YOU A DAMN MANA BOMB TO COMMIT WAR CRIMES WITH, YOU IGNORANT VULGARIAN!

GARROSH:  <shoving Lor’themar back>  YOU’RE the vulgarian, you fuck!

FARANELL:  <munching on popcorn>  So much better than doing culture samples with Zinge.

LOR’THEMAR:  How DIFFICULT is it to remember WHO SOMEONE IS after you MEET THEM FOR THE TWENTIETH TIME?!

GARROSH:  Apparently VERY, when the someone in question isn’t frigging IMPORTANT enough to be REMEMBERED, Ponytail!

MOKVAR:  He blew up about this on our game the other day, actually.

LIADRIN:  I heard.

MOKVAR:  Has he been at it all this time?

LIADRIN:  More or less.  This is something he’s been bottling up for a while, really.

Ben-Lin returns to the group, with Tirion and Eitrigg close behind.

BEN-LIN:  If we might all find our seats.  The last few should arrive shortly.

Everyone settles into the chairs.

Good afternoon, all of you, and thank you for coming today.  I am Ben-Lin Cloudstrider of the Huojin Pandaren, and I will be conducting today’s session.  My people chose to join the Horde in large part because of our shared belief in confronting challenges directly, and it is in that spirit that I would like to commend each of you for coming here today.  By chosing to attend, you have demonstrated your recognition of an enemy of sorts within yourselves, and your resolve to face and defeat that enemy.

GARROSH:  Pfft, I don’t know about these people, but I got railroaded by the orphan matron.  Screw this personal-growth hippie bullshit.

LOR’THEMAR:  Same here.  <nods head toward Liadrin>  This one twisted my arm.

GARROSH:  Personally I think the whole thing is a load of crap.

MOKVAR:  Would it really kill you to just bite your tongue and humor people this one time?

LIADRIN:  <sighs>  I wonder what it would be like if some of our leaders were actually adults

BEN-LIN:  Ah.  I am sensing resistance from some of you.  This is unfortunate.  I hope you will come to see the merit of our activities as we go along.  Let us begin by each introducing ourselves and telling the group why we are here.

She turns to Faranell.

Let us begin with you.  Would you like to introduce yourself to the group, my friend?

FARANELL:  <tossing a piece of popcorn into his mouth>  It would make my life complete.

BEN-LIN:  <unfazed>  Delightful.  Please go on.

FARANELL:  Yeah, fine.  Hey.  I’m Edwin.  Most of you already know that.  All of you, actually, so good use of time here.  Don’t mind me, I’m just here for the LOL’s.

BEN-LIN:  <blinks>  Ah.  I see.

She turns hesitantly and looks to Tirion.

And you, sir?

TIRION:  Thank you, Lady Cloudstrider, many thanks indeed, both for your gracious greeting and for your generosity in offering up your valuable time – time very much in demand, I have no doubt, among your people – in arranging this gathering for the benefit of all here.  And a great honor, and, indeed, blessing it is to find myself today amid this honored company, for as I look about the room I find my gaze met by the faces of many of the most esteemed of our respective peoples…

GARROSH:  Oh man.  He’s ON today…

TIRION:  And so, in keeping with your request, noble Lady Cloudstrider, allow me to introduce myself.  I am Tirion Fordring, Highlord of the Argent Crusade, Knight of the Silver Hand, master of Mardenholde Keep, bearer of the secred Ashbringer—

GARROSH:  Murderer of Wills to Live…

TIRION:  —and I find myself here today among you at the recommendation of my dear friend, the noble and sage orc Eitrigg, who suggested this gathering might prove valuable to me, both for my personal growth and likewise in allaying the oft-expressed concerns of some number of my Argent colleagues, such as the hallowed Confessor Palteress and my personal aide, the noble Miss Daria L’Rayne…

The door to the room opens, and Hamuul Runetotem leans in.

HAMUUL:  Excuse me, is this the anger management seminar?

BEN-LIN:  Indeed it is, my friend.

HAMUUUL:  Ah, good.  I hope I’m not interrupting anything.

GARROSH:  Yes, you are, and thank goodness.

BEN-LIN:  Please come in.

Hamuul steps into the room, holding the door open, and waves outside.

HAMUUL:  Come on in, it’s the right place.

A nervous-looking Mylune enters.

BEN-LIN:  <glancing down at a clipboard>  Ah, you must be the two from Mount Hyjal.

HAMUUL:  Yes.  I’m Hamuul Runetotem, and this is my…colleague Mylune.

GARROSH:  Oh man.  Hide your kittens…

MYLUNE:  <perks up>  There are kittens?

GARROSH:  Oh yeah, loads of them in the Cleft of Kittens.

MYLUNE:  Ooh!  Ooh!  There’s a Cleft of Kittens?  Where’s that?

GARROSH:  Right at the southern end of the Valley of Ridiculous Hallucinations – it’s fucking ORGRIMMAR.  What the hell do you think this is?

MYLUNE:  <deflated>  Oh.  I thought there might be kittens…

HAMUUL:  Perhaps just as well, given your recent…episode.

MYLUNE:  <slumps her head and closes her eyes>  I don’t know what you’re talking about.

HAMUUL:  Mylune, we’ve already talked about your trying to block these things out.

MYLUNE:  No no, I’m not blocking it out!  Blocking what out?  See?  Happy face!  Happy face!  Oh, everything’s so wonderful and magical and whee!  And…and…

She looks around quickly and grabs up a small scorpion that’s skittering along the ground.

And ooh, hello Mr. Scorpid, aren’t you a tought little prickly darling!  <hugs the scorpion to her bosom>  Auntie Luney sure is happy to see you!  Yes she is!  Yes she—oww!  OWW!  Dammit, that stings like HELL, you stupid pinchy ASSHOLE!

Mylune throws the scorpion viciously against the wall.

It wasn’t even that cute!

GARROSH:  So… I take it that time in Mulgore wasn’t an isolated incident…?

HAMUUL:  Not as such.

MYLUNE:  Oh…oh no, no, no… I did it again!  <sobbing>  Why do I keep doing that?  <putting her hands over her face as the sobbing continues>

HAMUUL:  There there…

BEN-LIN:  It is all right.  You are among friends now.

GARROSH:  Well let’s not get carried away.

MYLUNE:  <rubbing one hand on her chest>  That still kind of stings a little, actually…

BEN-LIN:  We are here to help you.  Have you had other moments like this recently?

MYLUNE:  I…well…I was in Winterspring a few days ago…and there were these bunnies…and…and…

GARROSH:  Not so much with the bunnies anymore, I’m guessing.

MYLUNE:  I couldn’t help it!  I just wanted to pet them, and…  <rubs her chest again>  Okay, you know what?  I think that scorpion might have been venomous.

Hamuul sighs and starts casting healing spells on Mylune.

HAMUUL:  Seriously?  You have venomous scorpions just wandering around?

GARROSH:  Hey, I don’t usually figure people are going to go around rubbing them on their boobs.

MOKVAR:  Did you really have to give me that mental image?

GARROSH:  I mean we usually don’t have people around here showing that level of stupid.  And that’s even figuring how much time Dontrag and Utvoch spend here.

LOR’THEMAR:  Who?

GARROSH:  You’re better off not knowing.

LIADRIN:  Really, sir.

BEN-LIN:  Perhaps we should move on.  <turns to Lor’themar>  Let us turn to you now.  You are…?

LOR’THEMAR:  Ugh.  See?  SEE?  THIS is EXACTLY what I’m talking about!  I introduced myself to you not TEN MINUTES AGO!  But does anyone remember something like that?  NO!  OF COURSE NOT!

LIADRIN:  Sir, I think she was just asking you to—

LOR’THEMAR:  Don’t defend her, Liadrin!  People do this every damn day, and there’s always some excuse for them!  Either that, or it’s just “Oh, okay.  Lor’themar?  Whatever.”  YES, whatever.  It’s LOR’THEMAR!  LOR’THEMAR FUCKING THERON, Regent-Lord of Quel’Thalas!  That’s who I am!  Lor’themar!  Do you hear me?  All of you?  LOR’THE-FUCKING-MAR!  One of the only racial leaders on either side who hasn’t managed to make a complete cluster fuck of something yet, but does anyone remember?  NO!  NO THEY DON’T!

BEN-LIN:  Well then.  I was going to ask you why you are here, but I think you have already answered that.  So let us move on.  <turns to Garrosh>  And you, sir?

GARROSH:  Huh?  Oh, yeah.  <waves half-heartedly>  So yeah, Garrosh Hellscream, Warchief of the Horde.  Son of Grom, slayer of Alliance, writer of EPIC VERSE, eater of lemon squares, yadda yadda.

HAMUUL:  Wait, he writes poetry?

MOKVAR:  He’s actually surprisingly good at it.

BEN-LIN:  And why have you come here today, my friend?

GARROSH:  Humoring the orphan matron, pretty much.  Didn’t we already cover this?  She basically said I needed to attend this thing before she would sign off on this orphan I was looking into maybe adopting.

LIADRIN:  Wait, what?

EITRIGGAdopting?

HAMUUL:  Oh spirits help us…

GARROSH:  WHY does everybody fucking react like that every time I mention this?  I talked about it on my blog, too, and all the commenters were like “Holy crap no!”

HAMUUL:  Wait, he blogs, too?

FARANELL:  <munching>  I so should have brought some ale for this.

Tirion passes Faranell a flask.

Oh, hey, thanks.

EITRIGG:  I thought we’d agreed you were going to hold off on the…  <makes a drinking motion with his hand>  …while we were here for the meeting.

TIRION:  Surely, friend Eitrigg, you would not deny me a simple bracing beverage before an undertaking that calls upon my resolve.

EITRIGG:  Now we both know the “liquid courage” excuse doesn’t hold here, Tirion.

GARROSH:  So hold up, you mean Highlord Paragraph here likes to retreat into the bottle, and goes all angry drunk and shit?

EITRIGG:  And sometimes ends up burning small animals as a result…

MYLUNE:  He WHAT?!

TIRION:  My fine and noble friend, I would remind you that the episode with the penguins was, in broad, strokes, an isolated incident, and—

MYLUNEPenguins?!

BEN-LIN:  Now you see, here we may have a fine instructive moment.  While we may all have our moments of anger, it is when we allow that anger to manifest in actions that we risk unleashing the worst upon the loved ones around us…

MYLUNE:  <fidgeting nervously and looking to Hamuul>  Pen…penguins!  What did he do to the penguins…?!

EITRIGG:  Suffice to say it involved a cane.

BEN-LIN:  And so, when you experience these moments, Tirion, you must remember to use your words.

GARROSH:  Wait, seriously?

TIRION:  Sage counsel indeed, good Lady Cloudstrider, and perhaps you are right, and I have been far too reticent…

GARROSH:  Fucking hell, do you realize what you’re DOING, lady?

MYLUNE:  He…he…he attacked the poor penguins with a cane?

EITRIGG:  Far better than the kittens got…

TIRION:  My dear Eitrigg, you know perfectly well that I take little pride in the unfortunate incident involving the, shall we say, premature feline incendiaries, and—

MYLUNE:  Incendi— you burned kittens?!

GARROSH:  Yeah, bet you’re glad we don’t have any here now, aren’t you?  Not safe to have them around Captain Shortfuse Longwind here.

MYLUNE:  <trembling with eyes growing large and dewy>  Hamuul, did you hear that?  He…he…the kittens…he…

Hamuul pulls a teddy bear out of his pack and dangles it in front of Mylune, who immediately snatches it up.

Oh oh oh what a cute cuddly fuzzy huggy tebby bear squee!

LOR’THEMAR:  Wow she’s unstable…

GARROSH:  Look in a mirror lately, blondie?  Who are you to judge?

LOR’THEMAR:  <jumping up and knocking his chair over>  Who am I?  WHO AM I?  LOR’THEMAR THERON, that’s who!  LOR’THE-FUCKING-MAR THERON!

LIADRIN:  Sir, really, you should try to—

LOR’THEMAR:  You stay out of this, Liadrin!  I’ve HAD IT with this walking jaw with a gym card acting like he doesn’t fucking KNOW me!

GARROSH:  I know you’ll snap in half nice and easy if you don’t figure out a way to ZIP it right quick, Hair-Care!

MYLUNE:  <swaying from side to side while hugging the tebby bear>  Oh don’t listen to them, Mr. Huggles, it’s okay, it’s okay!  You just be all sweet and snuggly and don’t worry about the mean people!

LOR’THEMAR:  Why don’t you MAKE me zip it!  Or do you need damn BOMB to drop on me for that?!

GARROSH:  I’ll SHOW you a fucking BOMB, Ponytail!

Garrosh lunges at Lor’themar and flings him violently against the wall.  Lor’themar pulls himself up and tries to rush back at Garrosh, only to have Garrosh grab him and put him in a headlock.  Mokvar and Liadrin pull at Garrosh’s arm to try to loosen his grip.

MOKVAR:  Really, boss, not helping your own cause here…

GARROSH:  Hope you weren’t too fond of that frigging OXYGEN, Lor’the-Whatever-the-Fuck-Your-Name-Is!

LOR’THEMAR:  <wrenching himself out of Garrosh’s hold and swinging at him wildly>  LOR’THEMAR!  MY NAME IS LOR’THEMAR!  SAY IT!  SAY IT!  SAY MY NAME, BITCH!

Mylune is still rocking back and forth, holding the tebby bear while trembling.

MYLUNE:  Now now don’t you let them upset you, Mr. Huggles…  <absently rips off one of the teddy bear’s ears>  It’s okay…it’s all okay… They’re not mad at you, no no, they’re not…  <rips off the bear’s other ear, sobbing>  It’s all going to be okay someday, I promise, Huggles, Auntie Luney promises…!

FARANELL:  <mouth half-full of popcorn>  I love this meeting so much I want to marry it and have a family of little caucuses.

LOR’THEMAR:  I’m SICK AND TIRED of being IGNORED by this damn GORILLA!

Mokvar and Liadrin try with mixed success to pull the two away from each other.

GARROSH:  Don’t worry, metro, you’ll be getting PLENTY of attention while I’m smearing you all over the floor!

LOR’THEMAR:  Stop holding him back!  I’m not scared of him!  I can take him!  Unless maybe he’s POISONED his DAMN AXE again!

GARROSH:  OH you will DIE EXTRA SLOW for—

Tirion jumps Garrosh and Lor’themar and pushes them away from each other.  He looks back and forth sternly.

TIRION:  Gentlemen, please!  Surely no one can benefit from our turning on each other in such a way.  Now then…  <looks back and forth between Garrosh and Lor’themar again>  Let’s have a drink.  And calm down.

EITRIGG:  <sighs>  Tirion…

BEN-LIN:  It occurs to me that perhaps our goals would be better served by a few one-on-one sessions before we attempt to discuss our issues in a group…

Mylune suddenly grabs Ben-Lin from behind and hugs her back against herself.

MYLUNE:  Ohhhh has anyone ever told you you’re like a big giant warm fuzzy snuggly teddy bear yourself, Miss Cloudy-bear?

BEN-LIN:  <looking around somewhat panicked, but cearly trying to maintain her composure>  So…with that in mind…let us adjourn for the day.  I will be in touch with each of you to arrange individual meetings.  We…we have much work to do…

LIADRIN:  Come on, sir, let’s just go back to Silvermoon…

Liadrin drags Lor’themar out of the room.  The others begin to make their way out as well, except for Mylune, who continues hugging Ben-Lin.

MYLUNE:  So huggly and cuddly and so so adorable!  I could just squeeze you all day, little bear!

Faranell gets up and walks over to Ben-Lin and Mylune on his way toward the door.

FARANELL:  So, I’m going to give you my contact info… Please, please tell me if there are any more of these meetings.  I will buy a ticket if I need to.

 

This has got to be some kind of a hazing thing.  Or Battlewail is doing some kind of weird trial to test my resolve, to see just how serious I am about the Gurtash thing.

Gotta tell you, though, if I have to go hang out with that crew again, I’m not sure I like even that kid enough…

More soon.

 

 

[Header image provided by Khizzara from Blog of the Treant, used here with permission and many thanks.]