The Awesome League of Awesome

johnnyawesome

As promised, here’s the result of this latest poll for the newest EPIC VERSE topic.  So, with no further ado…BECAUSE YOU DEMANDED IT!

 

Where to go!  What to do!
So much to explore.
Johnny Awesome on the move,
Always seeking more.
          He keeps clearing each zone faster,
          Tanaris, the last one to go:
          Yet another triumph, although
          Thousand Needles was disaster.
Now he’s questing with a reputation to restore.

Garrosh really wants him dead,
Really hates that elf.
Put a bounty on his head,
How he’s by himself.
          Hold your horses, no complaining
          That he screwed up on that last run.
          Magatha, she pulled a fast one
          Now he’s got few friends remaining.
Just because he freed one traitor from the Twilight Shelf.

Johnny Awesome headed north
Flying through the Barrens.
But as he was setting forth
It became apparent
          He had work to do here – rescue!
          Some poor undead rogue was dying:
          Swarmed by quillboar, he was trying,
          But perhaps he merely was new.
Or perhaps dropped on his dead by inattentive parents.

Either way, he needed saving –
Johnny Awesome to the fray!
The undead was smiling, waving,
As the quillboar fled away.
          Johnny Awesome: “My work here’s done.”
          “HI I’M DUMASS!”  “Um, okay.”
          “LET’S BE FRIENDS!”  “No, go away.”
          “OH OKAY!  WHERE ARE WE GOING?”
This was when he realized that he’d have a real long day.

“So, Dumass,” J.A. did say
And fought the urge to kill,
“Why the Barrens?” “OH OKAY!
I’M GOING TO TARREN MILL!”
          “Wait, Dumass, where did you come from?”
          “SILVERPINE AND HILLSBRAD, SIR!”
          “Tarren Mill was where you were.”
          Blank stare.  “Fitting name there, Dum.”
And Dumass just smiled and nodded while his brain stood still.

“Well, I’ll let you travel on,”
Johnny Awesome said.
“OH OKAY!  SO WHERE TO, JOHN?”
“…or come with me instead.”
          Johnny Awesome sighed so forlorn.
          “Well then, let’s head to Winterspring.”
          “WOW WE’RE GOING TO KILL THE LICH KING?”
          Frosted flake pursues Frostmourne.
“…Let’s just hope that bounty means that soon I will be dead.”

Up to Winterspring they flew,
Seeking thrills and danger.
But Johnny Awesome really knew
That things would just get stranger.
          In the mountains, climbing higher,
          Till they came upon a cave.
          Hiding place of some vile knave?
          Monsters? Dragons breathing fire?
Surely there would be rewards from those they would endanger.

When flying upon a frost wyrm
Came someone he’d seen before:
An orc warrior, hardly infirm,
Landing on a node of ore.
          “OMG THE LICH KING!” Dumass
          Cried out as the orc was mining.
          “Where?” the orc cried, “A defining
          Triumph shall be mine at last!”
Meanwhile Johnny Awesome palmed his face an instance more.

“Huh, no Lich King?” the orc grumbled,
Staring down this elf naysayer.
“Bet he’s hiding,” next he mumbled.
“I am Orkus – the Kingslayer!”
          “Greetings, Orkus—”  “HI!  I’M DUMASS!”
          “I am Johnny Awesome, sir.”
          Orkus answered, “I’ll infer
          You’re the brains here.”  “HI!  I’M DUMASS!”
“..Meanwhile I would guess your friend here’s Stupidville’s new mayor.”

Before Johnny Awesome answered,
Skulking out from in the cave
Came a yeti, lone advancer –
No warning or sound he gave.
          “It’s attacking!”  “Hurry!  Kill it!”
          “OMG!  A DRAGON!”  “What?”
          No move made the yeti, but
          They smelled blood and they would spill it.
Thus the yeti’s early rise might mean an early grave:

Hardly had the yeti woken,
So he found this a surprise.
His defense was scarcely token,
Looking ’round with sleepy eyes.
          Just the same, the fight took ages.
          None of them could land a blow.
          Swinging, missing, tripping, so
          To give the details would take pages.
So we’ll TL;DR for the poor yeti’s demise.

Finally the yeti stumbled
In a hulking lifeless heap.
Orkus yelled, “Vile beast!  Be humbled!
Yeah, that’s right.  Don’t make a peep.”
          “Hey, you know, this has me thinking,”
          Johnny Awesome said at last.
          “We sure kicked that yeti’s ass
          (Even granted I’ve been twinking),
If we stayed a team, just think the benefits we’d reap.”

“YAY!  I HAVE TWO FRIENDS!” said Dumass.
Not suspecting they might toss ’im.
“As a group,” said Orkus, “en masse,
No more fleeing or playing possum!”
          Johnny Awesome nodded, beaming:
          “We could take the world by storm!”
          “Wipe out every beastly swarm!”
          “End all villains’ evil scheming!
Look out, Azeroth, here comes the Awesome League of Awesome!”

“Just one thing,” said Orkus, “Any
Chance you’ve got a healing spec?
I took a few hits there – well, many.”
“Sorry, no.”  “Eh, what the heck.
          It can wait till we get going
          Back to town, and heal up there.”
          “Let’s go.  Soon, evil beware!”
          Johnny Awesome’s pride was glowing.
And the trio gathered up to start their homeward trek. 

Off they marched with scarce attention
To a shadow in the sky:
Far beyond their apprehension
What was coming, much less why.
          Down upon them swooped a wyvern!
          “En garde!”  “Fight him off!”  “YES SIR!”
          Now go get ’im, Mortimer!
          Alas, though, he did not discern
Who was who correctly when he landed his bullseye.

“I’ve got aggro!” Orkus bellowed.
But before they could decide
How to help him, he was mangled:
Down he went and there he died.
          “It got Orkus!  Kill it!” Johnny
          Awesome yelled, but not in time.
          Mortimer did swiftly climb
          Into the air, and then was gone.
And from nowhere, “YAY! WE KILLED THE LICH KING!” Dumass cried.

 

EPIC VERSE!

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