Awesome job, Mokvar
Well, Garona took her sweet time getting here, which shouldn’t really surprise me, to be honest. Yeah, sure, you’ll be there at the time we set to meet. And you’ll be ready to go out in just ten minutes, right? Same deal. Women.
While I was waiting, I sent word to Orgrimmar to have Mokvar come out to help with the recordkeeping. I figure with everything going on, I’ll want to keep a detailed account of all the information we collect, and so it just makes sense to keep my own in-house scribe around. It’s either that or take time out to write everything down myself, and let’s face it, my time is going to be better spent thinking great thoughts. Plus, let’s be honest, my handwriting is crap. Even by Mokvar standards.
Since Mokvar’s going to be transcribing a lot of stuff – notes, maps, details from our investigations, etc. – I’ve had Spazzle set him up to be able to edit these posts to add in any write-ups he thinks would be useful to add to the record here. Plus this way it spares me having to make sense of his godawful handwriting and take the time to transcribe it myself. (Just as long as he just inserts his stuff. I warned him that if he tries monkeying around with my actual writing, I’ll fucking hand his ass over to Draz’zilb for whatever scary-ass voodoo experiments he might want to pull on him. And yes, I’m fucking territorial about my intellectual property.)
Anyway, though, she finally did show up, and we set up shop in the tavern of the inn to go over what we’ve found. She couldn’t find any traces of the phylactery itself, and she says the Maul is still a pretty big mess from when Cho’gall had held his ogre gathering. Turns out, though, she also had a run-in with some Twilights while she was there, and found them as easy to persuade as I did. Their story more or less matched mine: the ogre Skarr had been heading up their search around Dire Maul, but recently headed to the southern part of Feralas to set up camp. He left some of the other Twilight agents to keep looking for anything they could find around the Maul, with orders to check in with him. They didn’t have details on exactly where to find him, or else Garona was going to go pay him a visit herself – apparently Skarr just told them to go to the Lower Wilds, and he would find them if he needed them, whatever that means. Oh and here’s the best part – right when she was about to polish them off, some Grimtotem raiders showed up, fighting a bunch of the Gordunni ogres…so just as the bunch of them were almost on top of her and the Twilights, she just up and POOF-vanished, and left the whole gang of them to have at each other.
So, next up, we’re going to go searching for Skarr. We’ll split up on the way, since we don’t really know what he’s going to have there as far as backup. Garona’s going to stealth her way through the woods and see if she can do some spying on the way. (I offered her a camel she could take for the trip, but I guess she preferred to go by foot…) Meanwhile I’ll be doing a flyover to see what I can find, and then, you know, probably wind up taking the direct approach while she’s doing her snooping.
There were a lot of little odds and ends that the two of us had to update each other on, and some what-ifs to plan for for the next few days, so we ended up spending a while there in the tavern. Credit where it’s due, those goblins have some pretty good cooks on payroll. While we were there, we also had a run-in with this blood elf guy who was just kind of wandering back and forth from the bar, babbling on about his dead pony or something, but the less said about him the better.
GARROSH: Hold up. Have you noticed the blood elf guy who keeps looking over this way?
GARONA: Every few minutes. He keeps looking at us, then looking away when one of us looks back.
GARROSH: Think he’s a spy or something?
GARONA: Not likely. The Grimtotem wouldn’t trust an outsider, so they wouldn’t bring in a blood elf to spy for them. The Twilight’s Hammer would get someone who was competent enough not to just sit out in the open staring at his quarry. So who else? The Alliance? Some from column A, some from column B, no-go there.
GARROSH: Can you tell if he’s watching one of us in particular?
GARONA: I’m not sure. Do you think he’s looking at me?
GARROSH: I don’t know, that’s why I asked.
GARONA: Ugh, I hope he’s not going to come over to try to pick me up.
GARROSH: Why would you think he’s going to…oh never mind.
GARONA: Why? You don’t think he would? It’s not like I don’t ever have men stare at me in bars, you know.
GARROSH: Yeah, no, I’m sure they do.
GARONA: You sound like you don’t believe me!
GARROSH: I didn’t say that!
GARONA: I’ll have you know I get hit on all the damn time!
GARROSH: I’m not arguing with you, dammit!
GARONA: Just because I have a grown son doesn’t mean I’m some old lady, you know!
GARROSH: Oh for fuck’s sake, can we not go through another whole song and dance about your kid?
GARONA: Oh, sure, who wants some old worn-out orc who’s already pumped out a kid, is that it? You men are all alike.
GARROSH: When the fuck did I even say anything? I’ve got no problem with you having a kid, go ahead, have your kid, have more kids, have a whole barn of them, I don’t give a shit!
GARONA: Well you sure made it sound like some wrinkled old matron like me certainly couldn’t be catching the eye of some spry young elf in a bar.
GARROSH: I didn’t say any such damn thing! Fuck! Look, hell, there’s a REASON why the term “MILF” got coined in the first place, okay?
GARONA: So you think I’m pretty?
GARROSH: I’m thinking.
GARONA: What do you mean, you’re thinking? What’s there to think about? Either you think I’m pretty or you don’t! You know, if you have to THINK about it—
GARROSH: I’m trying to think of what answer is LEAST likely to get me stabbed in my sleep later on.
GARONA: And what makes you think I’m going to be nearby when you’re asleep in your bed?
GARONA: Because honey, don’t flatter yourself.
GARROSH: Lady, you are one great big can of crazy, you know that?
GARONA: What’s THAT supposed to mean?
GARROSH: Can we PLEASE get back to the guy who’s watching us, or the Grimtotem thing, or maybe even just beat my head in with a brick because even that would be less excruciating than what we’re doing now?
GARONA: You know, there are a lot of men who’d be thrilled to be talking with me over a few flagons.
GARROSH: Oh for FUCK’S sake!
GARONA: I’m just saying. Lots and lots. You have no idea.
GARROSH: Could you maybe call them all over here to beat me in the head until I lose all memory of this conversation?
GARONA: Fine, BE that way.
GARROSH: SO ABOUT THE FUCKING ELF.
GARONA: You think he’s looking at me?
GARROSH: I hope the hell he is. Maybe he can sweep you away and give me the glorious treat of your absence.
GARONA: Well now you’re just being passive-aggressive.
GARROSH: It’s a goddamn good thing for you that you’re genuinely good in a fight, that’s all I’m going to say.
GARONA: I’m just trying to help you. You know you’re never going to find a girl if you keep up with this attitude.
GARROSH: Tell me something, when you assassinated Llane, did you actually have to kill him? Or did you just strike up a conversation with him and keep talking until he threw himself on your daggers?
GARONA: He wouldn’t have been the first man to throw himself at me, I’ll tell you that much right now.
GARROSH: THE ELF, for fuck’s sake, THE FUCKING ELF, before I squeeze my head down another hat size trying to cover my ears again!
GARONA: Fine, then!
The blood elf, by this point, has wandered over closer to the table.
BLOOD ELF: Um, excuse me?
GARROSH: Oh thank goodness.
BLOOD ELF: Am I interrupting something?
GARROSH: Yes, you are, and spirits bless you for it. Can I buy you a drink? A round of drinks? And an epic mount of your choosing?
BLOOD ELF: Oh…no, no, you see, my pony only just recently…passed… <sniffle> It’s just too soon. Plus…um…well, I mean, it’s a flattering offer, but I don’t…you know…swing that way, so…
GARROSH: Well hold on, I didn’t…
GARONA: <eyes widen> Ohhh, wait a minute, NOW it’s making more sense…
GARROSH: Plus you’re a male blood elf, what do you mean you…oh never mind.
BLOOD ELF: What does that mean?
GARONA: I’m so, so sorry. I should have realized.
GARROSH: Will you SHUT IT? That’s not what I fucking meant.
GARONA: No WONDER you’re so angry all the time.
GARROSH: I AM NOT FUCKING ANGRY ALL THE TIME, YOU INFURIATING CRAZY-ASS BATSHIT HARPY!
GARROSH: Look, can we drop the… <looks to Mokvar> Are you seriously writing all that down?
MOKVAR: Well, um, yes, sir. You said I should keep a record of everything.
GARROSH: <blink> I…just… Wow.
MOKVAR: Begging your pardon, sir, you did say we need to keep everything written down in case some easily overlooked details end up being important later.
GARROSH: You win, Thrall. Oh, man, you really, really win. Good one, dude. Hats off to you. You win.
GARONA: Now see, THRALL found himself a nice girl, and see what he did?
GARROSH: He HAD HIS SOUL RIPPED INTO FOUR PIECES is what he did!
MOKVAR: Sounds like marriage to me, sir.
GARROSH: Heh, yeah, amen, Mokvar.
GARONA: Mmhmm. Interesting.
BLOOD ELF: Should I just…leave…?
GARROSH: For the love of the spirits, NO.
BLOOD ELF: It’s just that, well, I couldn’t help but notice…
GARONA: You see! He was looking at me!
GARROSH: <looks to elf> Run now.
BLOOD ELF: Well no, I was looking at her.
BLOOD ELF: I was looking at both of you, actually.
GARONA: You…wait, what?
GARROSH: I think what he means—
GARONA: Oh no, no, sweetie, I… No, I don’t do those anymore.
GARROSH: <rubbing head> I seriously don’t know if I want to stop the Twilight’s Hammer from destroying the world anymore.
BLOOD ELF: I’m…confused.
GARROSH: Give her a few minutes. It gets worse.
GARONA: But I’m not sure why you’d be interested in getting Garrosh involved, if you say you don’t—
BLOOD ELF: So you ARE Garrosh! Garrosh Hellscream? The Warchief?
GARROSH: Yeah, that’s me. What of it? And please elaborate at length if it stops her from chiming in for a while.
BLOOD ELF: And so you must be Garona Halforcen?
GARROSH: Oh good, kick it over to her right away. Well played.
GARONA: That’s me, yes.
BLOOD ELF: <beaming> Oh wow, I can’t believe I’m really getting to meet you! This really is an honor for me!
GARROSH: Uh oh. Fanboy alert.
BLOOD ELF: And, if I say so myself, for it to be an honor for me really is quite the honor for YOU, too. It’s not just anyone who can impress me right off like that.
BLOOD ELF: You see, I’ve been making quite a name for myself within the Horde as well. I’ll have you know, I was an exalted hero of Tranquillien within a few mere hours of arriving at the place!
GARROSH: Wait, Tranq-what-now?
BLOOD ELF: And granted, I really haven’t had occasion to drop by Orgrimmar to meet you in person, Warchief, but I’m sure tales of my adventures have made their way all the way to your war room.
GARROSH: Um, maybe? Oh…OH, so wait, you’re one of those…yeah, one of the… up-and-coming adventurers that we send off of various missions in the outlying zones… Right…
GARONA: I thought you said those quests weren’t really all that—
GARROSH: Ix-nay on the usywork-bay.
GARONA: Oh. Right.
GARROSH: Anyway, um, so yeah, maybe I’ve seen reports on your…exploits… Um, what was your name again?
BLOOD ELF: I…am Johnny Awesome.
[The Blood Elf will henceforth be referenced as Johnny Awesome, because really, this is just too good. –Mkvr., ed.]
GARROSH: No, I can’t say I – wait, that’s your name?
JOHNNY AWESOME: Uh, yes.
GARROSH: No, I mean, it’s your real name? Not like an alias you made up for yourself?
JOHNNY AWESOME: No, it’s my name.
GARROSH: Your parents are Mr. and Mrs. Awesome.
JOHNNY AWESOME: It’s an old Highborn name. It goes back thousands of years.
GARROSH: Uh huh.
GARONA: It’s a wonder things didn’t work out better for Azshara if she had the Awesomes working for her.
JOHNNY AWESOME: It’s…it’s true.
GARROSH: I’m sure it is.
GARONA: If only she could have had her field troops led by Jimmy Omgipwnedurface.
GARROSH: <snicker> Haha, you know, I think I know a guy on Earth Online who uses that name.
GARONA: Oh wow, you play Earth Online too?
GARROSH: Yeah. You play? What server?
GARONA: Palin, Kalimdor region. You?
GARROSH: Goldwater-Kalimdor. Hah, that’s awesome.
GARONA: Med’an got me started on it. I really only started playing originally just to check in on what he was doing. You know how it is with the internet.
GARROSH: Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. Can’t be too careful.
GARONA: Although I have to admit it’s really starting to annoy me that they broke the mature language filter so you can’t keep it turned off now!
GARROSH: Oh I KNOW, right? That’s !@#$ing ANNOYING.
GARONA: I mean I’m an ADULT, if I want to talk like one I should be able to.
GARROSH: What do you think of the expansion? Have you seen much about it?
GARONA: I don’t know. I’m cautiously optimistic.
GARROSH: Oh come on. Australians? They’re seriously making a whole expansion about Australians?
GARONA: Well you know, to be fair, it’s not like they’ve never taken a joke and used it seriously before. People forget that Canada was originally a running gag too, and look how well they integrated that.
GARROSH: Yeah, I suppose…
JOHNNY AWESOME: I…have no idea what you two are talking about.
GARROSH: Online gaming.
JOHNNY AWESOME: You actually do that?
GARONA: Is that a problem?
JOHNNY AWESOME: It’s just…I guess I just sort of figured you guys would be…a little cooler than that.
GARROSH: Excuse me, do you really want to get into a coolness pissing contest with us?
JOHNNY AWESOME: Well I just mean…
GARROSH: Do you really want to? Because if you want to go, we can go.
JOHNNY AWESOME: Well no, it’s just that…I mean, come on, an MMO?
GARROSH: So let’s see, commanded fifteen Kor’kron legions on a military campaign across the arctic wastes culminating in the death of the fucking Lich King. Shall we start there?
GARONA: Single-handedly assassinated the king of Stormwind?
GARROSH: Also a good one.
JOHNNY AWESOME: Look, I’m not trying to—
GARROSH: Son of the slayer of Mannoroth.
GARONA: Mother of the new Guardian of Tirisfal.
GARROSH: Crash landed an airship in Twilight Highlands and walked away without a scratch.
GARONA: Killed Cho’gall. The first time.
GARROSH: Dueled Thrall to a standstill.
GARONA: Fucked Medivh.
JOHNNY AWESOME: Okay! Okay! I’m sorry!
GARROSH: That’s better. So anyway, was there a point to all this?
JOHNNY AWESOME: Oh… Well, I guess I was just wondering if I could have your autographs.
GARONA: I don’t know, would you really want the autographs of a couple of lame online gamers?
JOHNNY AWESOME: I know, look, I’m sorry. It’s just, you’re both heroes of the Horde, and…you know…that’s what I’m aspiring to, too, so…
GARROSH: Okay, okay, fine… <scribbles on paper>
JOHNNY AWESOME: Well, and I guess I was also wondering, since I like to think I’m a rising star in the Horde, really one of your secret weapons when you come right down to it, even if I guess you haven’t heard of me yet, which really doesn’t seem to make a whole lot of sense, but whatever, but I was just thinking—
GARROSH: Get to the point, please, Tirion.
JOHNNY AWESOME: Well, I was just wondering if you had any missions you might need me to carry out for you.
JOHNNY AWESOME: I mean I know there are lots of people scattered around Horde settlements who need help with different things, and don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to help out where I can, but it just seems to me that my talents could be better used by, you know, performing key duties on behalf of the Warchief.
GARROSH: Uh huh.
JOHNNY AWESOME: So…are there any missions you need carried out? Or places you feel I could be of particular help?
GARONA: Time to get into character.
GARROSH: Yeah. <deep breath> Lok’tar, noble blood elf, tales of your valiant deeds have carried even to Orgrimmar—
JOHNNY AWESOME: Wait, didn’t you just say you haven’t heard—
GARROSH: Just fucking roll with it, okay, dude? Seriously.
JOHNNY AWESOME: Okay. Yes, sir.
GARROSH: Tales of your valiant deeds have carried even to Orgrimmar, and rest assured they have not escaped the notice of your Warchief. If you wish to truly serve the Horde, your considerable powers could be used in Thousand Needles, or, um, Tanaris. The choice is yours. Remember, Hellscream’s eyes are always upon you!
JOHNNY AWESOME: Yes sir! I won’t let you down, sir!
Johnny Awesome races off, never, one can only hope, to be heard from again.
GARROSH: I really fucking hate my job sometimes.
GARONA: Wait, Thousand Needles and Tanaris?
GARROSH: Yeah, what of it?
GARONA: Well…he didn’t look like he’s been doing this for very long. Aren’t those areas pretty dangerous these days?
GARROSH: Yes, and?
GARONA: Isn’t he going to go out there and get eviscerated?
GARROSH: Yes, and?
Wait, so hold on. I had a five-hour strategy session with Garona, and THIS is what Mokvar decided was important enough to post up here? Seriously? THIS is what made the cut?
Either way, though, gotta say again, it’s DAMN impressive that he’s able to get all this stuff transcribed like that. Really, really impressive.
Now pardon me while I go find him and smack him around a little.
[Header image provided by regular reader and commenter ZugZug, used here with permission and many thanks.]