Monday mailbag

mail20

Oh man, yesterday’s post with my latest EPIC VERSE really set off a shitstorm in today’s mailbag.  Apparently there are some really pissed-off humans out there who had to get in their two coppers’ worth.  So, here goes…

 

To Garrosh Hellscream:

I don’t know why I keep checking on this “blog” of yours to see if there’s anything worth reading, or any signs of something redeemable about you or your kind.  Without fail, my investigations are greeted by some despicable piece of drivel like you latest work of “poetry.”  This time, though, you’ve gone over the line.

It’s bad enough to mock such noble citizens as Lady Proudmoore, whom I would think you’d show at least a modicum of respect if only out of deference to her (admittedly misguided) friendship with your countryman Thrall.  And I’m not even going to dignify your snide insinuation about my son by discussing that point.

But to take advantage of the recent fall of our lost brother Benedictus, and to accuse him of some…misbehavior…which was responsible for some sort of perceived behavioral tendencies in my adult life…and that all of this somehow led to…performance issues on my part… And, hold on, Tiffin was a saint, okay?  Don’t you even bring her into this!  A saint!  By the Light, I miss her, at least SHE understood, and…and finally someone made me feel safe enough to…ANYWAY THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT.  The point is, you’ve gone way over the line this time, Hellscream, and the day is coming soon when you’ll be made to pay.

–King Varian Wrynn, Stormwind

Fuck you, Varian.

That pretty much covers it, right?

Also: the prosecution rests, your honor.

(Also also: I love the part there about “I don’t know why I keep reading this blog” – it’s like this trend I keep seeing online whenever somebody starts hating on something: “OMG I hated that book!  Hated it!  And I read it SIX TIMES, and every time I hated it more!”  Like…dude…just don’t read it, okay?)

 

With warmest regards, to Garrosh Hellscream, formerly Overlord of the Warsong Offensive, now Acting Warchief of the Horde:

It is with a heavy heart that I take up my quill to pen this note to you, good sir.  It had long been my hope that human and orc alike might set down their petty differences and join hands in fellowship in pursuit of a higher calling.  While we fought valiantly beside one another against the tyranny of the Lich King in our time together in Northrend, and stood shoulder to shoulder in the face of unspoken horrors as the minions of the wicked Scourge rose up to oppose us; while we laid to rest, I had once hoped to think, our superficial animosities during our time overseeing the preparation of our assault on Icecrown when we gathered together on the hallowed grounds of the Argent Tournament; despite all of these and many other considerations, through all of which I developed a healthy respect for you as a soldier and rising leader of your people, Warchief Hellscream, it now saddens me to see the depths to which you are willing to sink for the sake of petty, destructive childishness.

Who but our foes could profit from such actions?  We defenders of Azeroth are weaker as a whole for such things.  While we turn upon each other, the minions of death surely must sit back and smile in satisfaction as we undertake to do some of their work for them.  It is a comfort, at least, that we left Northrend victorious, the Lich King having fallen, for surely were there still a Lich King he would delight in such strife between our people.  And yet, while we may take some small comfort in the knowledge that the wretched undead Scourge shall no longer profit from our conflict, we must forge on in the knowledge that other foes still stand before us.  The Burning Legion, the Twilight’s Hammer, the Old Gods themselves still remain, and surely it can only work to their advantage for us to dwell on such petty, trivial matters as those that you have chosen to glorify and pursue in your recent misguided writings.

Think on my words, young Warchief, for in them you will find, I will hope, a wisdom that may yet guide your stewardship of the Horde to higher and more noble grounds, and allow us all to rise above these petty conflicts to forge a brighter, stronger future for our people.  May the Blessings of the Light go with you, and light the shadows that yet haunt your baser thoughts.

Now if you’ll pardon me, I need to locate some mead and matches.

–Highlord Tirion Fordring, New Hearthglen

TL;DR, Tirion.

You lost me at the “orcs and humans joining hands” and singing Kumbaya and shit part.  For real, dude?

Like seriously, part of me really wants to see what would happen if I locked this guy in a room with Dontrag and Utvoch.  Only problem I could see is that either they would literally use up ALL the words and there would be none left for the rest of us to use anymore, or they would reach some kind of verbal critical mass and create a black hole of words that would threaten to suck the surrounding room and eventually the whole planet into it.

Oh, and speaking of sucking anything that’s nearby…

 

Warchief Hellscream,

You are a sick, sick individual.  I can’t begin to imagine how you can even think to write these things.  I can only hope that one day you’ll manage to wake up from your adolescent haze and blossom into the maturity of the average twelve-year-old.  Until then, I suppose I can only have pity on your pathetic, disgusting soul.

–Lady Jaina Proudmoore, Theramore

Gotta say, the “Lady” part of your name there really amuses me.  Along those lines, from now on I think I’d like to be addressed as “Vegetarian Garrosh Hellscream.”

Anyway, don’t get mad at me just because your girlfriend’s mouth gets going after a few drinks.  Maybe you should have worked a little harder to keep it otherwise occupied.  OH NO HE DIDN’T!

Oh, and SPEAKING of whom…

 

To Garrosh Hellscream:

I’m speechless.  Utterly speechless.  You swore up and down that anything we talked about would be between you, me, and the wall – little did I suspect that apparently you meant your FACEBOOK wall!  What kind of a person do you have to be to swear confidentiality to someone, then run around blabbing it?

It really is sad that you feel so at ease with using alcohol to take advantage of someone in a vulnerable, easily influenced state.  I would pray for you if I didn’t have such a headache.

–Argent Confessor Paletress

On the first point: I ❤ irony.

On the second point: You know, when I saw the line about taking advantage of someone while they’re drunk, I was going to make a Jaina joke, but that wouldn’t be fair.  Everybody knows you don’t have to get Jaina drunk.  And I mean EVERYBODY, amirite?

 

Dear mortal,

Thank you, thank you, a thousand times thank you.  I can’t begin to tell you how entertaining it is to watch you ants scamper back and forth, swiping unsuspecting at each other over nothing, and generally wearing each other down so that, when the time comes, your metaphorical anthill can be brought to nothing with 0.0003% resistance rather than 0.0005% resistance.  Not only are you assuring me that my eventual, inevitable triumph will play out that much more smoothly, but you’re providing me with endless amusement in the process.

Please keep it up, all of you.  You’re doing Titans’ work, as the saying goes.  At least until I get around to undoing same.

–Sargeras, Twisting Nether

The hell?

(Literally?)

Also, since when do they get internet in the Twisting Nether?  He’s able to frigging e-mail me from the TWISTING NETHER, and meanwhile if I get too close to an air elemental, my why-fly cuts out on me?  I’ve got to get Spazzle on this.

Anyway, at least somebody is enjoying the blog.

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2 Responses to “Monday mailbag”

  1. AHAHAHA, some serious butthole clenching going on around here!

    I’m now also reminded about the old coffee with sargeras blog. I think I’ll go find that and read the scourge chatlog again.

    • See, there’s another thing about these humans. No fucking sense of humor.

      And not for nothing, but nobody’s really going to believe this kind of stuff is true about you, until you start getting all pissy about it… So, you know, thanks for the confirmation, humans. HAH!

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