Ut’s on first, Tak’s on second

Things have been pretty quiet the last few days here at Domination Point.  We’ve had scouting parties scouring Pandaria for the tomb where the mogu hid the Divine Bell, but no word yet, so we’ve mostly been biding our time here at the base and slapping around some Alliance when the opportunity has presented itself.  After one such fun-filled opportunity, I got back to the base just in time for the latest wave of troop arrivals from Kalimdor.  According to Captain Drok, Garona came along for the trip this time and apparently has some news she needs to update me on – I guess she was over at the barracks getting settled in when I first got back, so I didn’t have a chance to talk to her right away.  (Oh the tragedy.)

Also among the arrivals…  <sigh>  Well…you remember that kitty druid with the…creative spelling patterns, who wrote in for a few mailbags a while ago, wanting to take over for Mokvar as my scribe?  Taktani?  Yeah…well…

* Taktani first wrote to Garrosh here, then again some weeks later.  And again.  Finally, after word of the post-Mokvar opening reached her, she inquired (with big, hopeful eyes, one can only assume) about taking over as the Warchief’s personal scribe.

Hopefully, between Gurtash and the Wonder Twins, they’ll at least be able to get Taktani’s spelling squared away enough that the transcripts won’t be too painful to read.  If not, well, Mokvar better hurry up and get his head straightened out and his ass down here to get back to work.

Anyway… I need to go see if Garona has calmed the fuck down so I can find out what this big news is that she came down here to report.

More soon.

Monday mailbag

So I was finally able to get a decent internet connection going again, long enough to get my mail sorted out, and I figured since I have a decent bunch of letters from you peeps, and I haven’t offered any mailbag love for a while, I might as well do just that.  Because you know me – your Warchief is nothing if not all about the love.

 

Hail, Warchief!

It’s my first weekend back in Silvermoon in I don’t know how long, and man, is the mood different around here these days. Whether you’re going to think that’s good news or bad news depends on how you interpret that.

Remember my first letter? The one where I was basically advocating high treason against the Regent-Lord? A lot of us used to be dissatisfied that he was doing a whole bunch of nothing. The impression around here, at least if you believe the spin from the Silvermoon Star-Tribune, is that the Regent-Lord’s approval numbers are way up since he started getting jiggy with it down in Pandaria. Yes, the Star-Tribune is calling what Lor’themar’s doing down there “decisive leadership” and “proactive management”. And the public seems to be buying it.

Either that, or they’re just glad that he’s somewhere else, and hoping he eats a Mogu hammer somewhere along the way. That’s the other way to look at it.

To be honest, I’m not sure which one I’m buying, yet. That’s something I’ll have to think about when I get back to Pandaria.

–A Concerned Citizen

Hey, ACC.  You know, my first reaction here is that people probably ARE a little happier about Lori because he’s been away.  Problem is, if that were true, you’d think that I would start finding him less annoying since he’s gone BACK to Silvermoon recently.  But…nope.  He high-tailed it out of Pandaria, then promptly made a big ol’ cluster fuck of that whole business with the sha box…and the less said about the sideshow going on in my Earth Online guild, the better.  I suppose it’s still a LITTLE less irritating, but only because I don’t have to listen to him live and in person.  At least until he comes strolling back down here again.

Also, not for nothing, but are you sure the reports in your little dorky newspaper are reliable?  Who’s doing the writing?  It’s amazing what a little propaganda can do for a ruler’s perception.  Or so I’ve heard.

 

Dear Warchief,

I’ve been following some of your interactions with Lord Theron and I was wondering if you limited your observations to him or if you think all Blood Elves are like that.

I’ve been in Pandaria just about since the beginning (but I can’t explain how Anduin got away–that was General Nazgrim’s job, not mine) and have tried to do my part for the Horde.  Also: Pandaren don’t seem to have barbers.  Anywhere.  Not a one on this damn continent.  You should give us credit for coming here anyways even with that sacrifice.

Respectfully,

–Vyrin Dawnstar, Shrine of Two Moons, Pandaria

P.S: If anyone told you about Anduin and the Temple of the Red Crane, I deny it all.  Not me.  Nope.  Must’ve been someone else helping him.  If that hasn’t been brought to your attention yet, please ignore this part.

Hmm…  Well, Vyrin, I guess that depends on what you mean by “all blood elves are like that.”  I mean, like what?  Spindly and break-easy-ish?  Because, well, sorry, but you guys kind of are.  A little too preoccupied with the uber-luxurious hair?  I refer you to your second paragraph.  (By the by, I think the lack of barbers in Pandaria is because the pandas just shed.  Can you imagine the cleanup crews you’d need in Silvermoon if the elves were like that?)  That said, I DON’T think all blood elves are like ol’ Eyepatch in the absolutely-completely-utterly-useless department.  I mean, Lady Liadrin has always struck me as pretty sharp and on top of things, and…um…okay, give me a minute here, I’m sure I can come up with a second example.

Hang on.

Um…

Okay, I’m going to have to get back to you on this, but seriously, I’ve got a…reasonably strong suspicion there’s at least one more I can name.

Also, though, what?  Anduin at the Temple of the Red Crane?  I’ve heard some scouting reports about that Red Crane place, actually.  I may have to do some followup on that place…

 

My Dearest Warchief,

That scar on your lip is so sexy. It makes you look very manly and tough. I’ve been wondering though how you got it. I’m sure there is some extraordinary tale of bravery and valor associated with it. I’d like to hear it.

Your devoted admirer,

–Wega

Hoo boy.  Here we go again with Wega.  So…yeah… For those of you who maybe haven’t noticed, Wega is talking about the scar I have on the right side of my upper lip:

So, okay, I know you’d probably figure I got the scar from some glorious battle, or one of the times I’ve squared off with Varian, or something else like that, but as it turns out, it was really more of a fluke injury.  One night about a year and a half ago, give or take, I was trying to reorganize some of my junk in Grommash Hold, and I was stashing a couple boxes of stuff on a high shelf.  While I was stretching up to reach the shelf, I lost my footing and fell over.  Now, ordinarily that wouldn’t have been a big deal, except it just so happened that Mortimer was there with me, and was curled up on the floor sound asleep.  Until I slipped and fell, and landed right on top of him, and he was so startled that before he knew what was going on, he snapped at me.  And, yeah, got a nice chunk of my lip.

So, that was fun.

Gotta say, though, in a way it was kind of endearing afterward – once Mortimer knew what was going on, he DID act all sad and apologetic, and spent the next few days following me around trying to make nice.  Once again, wyverns are better people than most people.

Now granted, having my lip cut open by wyvern fangs wasn’t exactly fun, but depending on how you look at it, I still don’t think I’ve gotten the worst of it from Mortimer.  That honor probably goes to Malkorok.  A few weeks ago, I was talking to Malkorok while I was getting ready to leave the Sanctum of Two Moons, then walked past him to the landing platform out front.  Mortimer was following along behind me, and just as he was passing Malkorok, Mortimer stopped, lifted one leg up…and fucking peed on him.  Oh man, you should have seen the look on Malky’s face.  Especially when I pointed out, “Dude, considering what that usually signifies for a wyvern, you LITERALLY just got owned.”

Heh.

Hehehe.

<snort>

 

Mr. Garrosh, sir!

I want to thank you for helping us DPS kids and, you know, stuff.

I have a question though.

What happened to all your hair? I saw pictures of you and you had hair at one time, but now you don’t. Do you plan to grow your hair again? How would you wear it?

–Ruekie, Shaman-in-Training, Domination Point

What is this, fucking “Everybody Ask Garrosh to Explain His Personal Appearance Week”?

Oh, wait, hang on, it’s one of the kids.

What is this, blankety-blank “Everybody Ask Garrosh to Explain His Personal Appearance Week”?  You kids – DO NOT read that first part from a couple lines up, YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

Anyway, yeah, Ruekie, I used to have a ponytail, right up through my time in Northrend.  I wore my hair like that going all the way back to when I was a kid.  To tell you the truth, it was pretty much the best of iffy options, as far as something I could do with my hair that would look maybe-sorta decent.  See, while Grom had a really thick, full mane of hair, I guess I must have gotten mine from my mom’s side of the family, because my hair was always fairly coarse and stringy and just…patchy all over my scalp.  Even as a kid, I pretty much had the beginnings of male pattern baldness going.  And really, it shouldn’t come as that much of a surprise that I wouldn’t have that great of a head of hair – you know the old saying, grass doesn’t grow on a busy street.

Anyway, the ponytail was just a way to yank it all together that didn’t look flat-out terrible.  Eventually, when I moved to Orgrimmar, I figured the hell with it and just cut it off.  Which first of all, is much more low-maintenance.  No more spending ten minutes every morning tugging it all together and trying to bind it up and then having the band be too loose so you start feeling it slipping out little by little all morning, or getting that one strand caught halfway through the pull-through and then feeling your roots getting pulled every time you look to one side, or…ugh, yeah, whatever.  Way easier this way.  Not to mention it’s way more practical in battle – it’s one less thing to get caught somewhere, and one less way for an enemy to grab you from behind.

Besides, much better to just embrace the baldness and go with it, rather than try to compensate with something that looks maybe-not-quite-terrible-if-you-squint-a-little.  This way, it just announces to the world, “Yes, I’m bald.  DEAL WITH IT.”  Confidence is very sexy, don’t you think?

(Maybe I shouldn’t have put it that way.  I can hear Wega scribbling out another letter as we speak…)

 

Heya Garrosh,

Cool little web form you have here.  Sometimes those techie goblins do have some good ideas.  (Not often, but sometimes.)

Anywho, my question for you this week is this: If you were to retire from warchiefin’ tomorrow, who would you choose as your successor and why?

Thanks!

–Kaija

You know, Kaija, this is actually a pretty decent question.  For all the good things about the Horde, we don’t really have a clear line of succession.  I mean, obviously if I were going to retire – presumably years down the road when I’m a gray-haired (FIGURE OF SPEECH, RUEKIE, DON’T GET EXCITED) old man basking in the triumphant glow of my many glorious victories – I would be in a position to sit back, think it over, and pick out an appropriate successor as Warchief.  But what if something happens before I have the chance to?  What if I get sick or injured?  What if somebody decides it would be a bright idea to throw me a surprise party for my 70th birthday, and the ol’ ticker finally gives out?  What if – I know this is a long shot, but still – what if I die in battle somehow before we even get to the wrinkly stage?  What then?  WHAT THEN, I ASK YOU?

So, it’s probably not a bad idea to put a little thought into who a good successor would be, and maybe establish that that person is next in line, just in case something happens.

And then, you know, make it very clear to that person that I’ve left the Kor’kron with special instructions to follow in the event that I should die under circumstances that are in any way even remotely fishy.  Such instructions including, but not limited to, the agonizingly slow execution of the successor, their siblings, their friends, their relatives, their next-door neighbors, and anyone who’s ever been seen being polite to them in public.

You know.  Just FYI.

Anyway, we might as well be systematic about this, so I’m going to review some of the likely candidates to follow me as Warchief – and just for shits and giggles, I’m going to group them into suitable categories and even give my best estimate at their odds of getting the nod.  Place your bets now.

 

THE “OH SNAP DID I SAY THAT” DIVISION

VOL’JIN
1,000,000 to 1

Not really an option, because guess what, bitches?  HE’S DEAD.  HAHAHA <snort> that cracks me up more than it probably should.

 

THE “I GUESS I’M OBLIGATED TO AT LEAST MENTION THEM” DIVISION 

JASTOR GALLYWIX
999,995 to 1

I mean…I guess he’s technically leader of the Bilgewater goblins, but… Well, like, does anybody even know where the fuck he IS half the time?  I’m pretty sure the only times I’ve ever seen him were at the meeting of Horde leaders to prepare for the Theramore attack, and the celebration in Orgrimmar afterward.  And, well, with the meeting, I pretty much sent notices to every goblin I could think of and then crossed my fingers hoping that word would reach him.  And at the celebration…yeah, mountains of free food and booze, so of course he was going to show up for that.  Honestly, I don’t get why the guy’s so low-profile.  He had a fucking pleasure palace built in Azshara, and you can’t even find him THERE.  Believe you me, if I ever commissioned the construction of Garrosh’s Pleasure Palace, you could call off the search parties, my ass would be there.

Hmm.  Hang on a second, I need to jot something down on next month’s agenda planner.

 

LOR’THEMAR THERON
500,000 to 1

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA… Yeah, sure, this guy as Warchief.  Do I really even need to elaborate here?  Come on.

 

SYLVANAS WINDRUNNER
200,000 to 1

You know, she would actually be a pretty strong candidate – to her credit, she IS intelligent, charismatic, and competent – if she didn’t creep the living FUCK out of everyone.  Not to mention make you worry that she might then replace that aforementioned living fuck with some kind of weird-ass UNDEAD fuck under her control.

 

BAINE BLOODHOOF
150,000 to 1

He’s a great warrior, he takes good care of his people, and you can practically see Cairne when you look in his eyes (not that that makes me at all awkward, no sir).  He’s also freaking Vol’jin Lite what with the bitching and the moaning and the OMG Garrosh how could you.  Because if there’s one thing you don’t want to stand for, it’s actually GOING TO WAR with the people you are ALLEGEDLY AT WAR WITH.  Last thing the Horde needs is a fucking carebear in charge.  And Thrall me no Thralls – Guy Smiley sat on his hands way too much too.

 

THE “I BET YOU DIDN’T THINK I KNEW ABOUT THIS MEME” DIVISION 

A BASIC CAMPFIRE
5000 to 1

HAHA SEE I BET YOU ASSHOLES DIDN’T THINK I HAD A SENSE OF HUMOR ABOUT THAT SHIT.

 

THE “DIDN’T YOU RETIRE LIKE TWENTY YEARS AGO” DIVISION

DREK’THAR
500 to 1

Chieftain of the Frostwolf clan and friend to Durotan way back in the day.  Lived through the corruption of the orcs, but refused to drink the blood of Mannoroth – granted it was largely because Durotan ordered the Frostwolves not to, but it still shows a certain level of principle AND loyalty to his clan all at the same time.  Greatmother speaks about him just fondly enough to make me feel uncomfortable.  The main down side, other than being blind and spending most of his time getting rolled around in a wheelchair by Captain Galvanger these days, is that since the Cataclysm…well…not to be mean, but let’s face it.  Dude has just gone batshit senile.  And that’s not even getting into the whole thing with him shitting himself.  I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again.  Old age is not kind.

 

EITRIGG
200 to 1

He’s been around for ages, advised both me and Thrall, has watched over Orgrimmar while I’ve been down here in Pandaria, and has always been staunchly devoted to the well-being of the Horde.  If we had some kind of lifetime achievement award to dole out, I would sign him up for it tomorrow, even if he DID get a little grumbly with me over the Theramore thing.  Who didn’t, right?  Shows what those fuckers know.  Anyway.  The point is, though, as much as I like Eitrigg, he’s pretty much one of those guys who’s basically a permanent lieutenant.  You know the ones.  Year after year, they’re always second in command to one general after another, and somewhere along the line, after like the fourth guy gets promoted over them to take command, you realize there’s a reason for it.  Perfectly good at his job, but he’s just never going to be suited for the big chair.

Also, if he were in charge, can you IMAGINE how much time freaking Tirion would probably be spending in Orgrimmar?  Do you really want to subject people to THAT?

 

VAROK SAURFANG
100 to 1

Veteran of two wars.  Served as Thrall’s right hand and as my executive officer in Northrend.  He even served as acting Warchief for a little while, that time when I was off the grid.  At the age of nine zillion, he’s still one of the biggest badasses around.  He doesn’t sleep – he waits.  Death once had a near-Saurfang experience.  Mannoroth became more powerful by drinking HIS blood.  There was going to be a street named after him in Orgrimmar, but the plan was canceled for safety reasons because nobody crosses Saurfang and lives.  When warlocks make someone run away in fear, they pay a royalty to him.  He’s considered an honorary shaman because he commands the element of surprise.  I’m at least 50% sure some of these facts are made up.  But you get the point.

So what’s the case against?  You mean, other than at least two or three occasions that he’s threatened to kill me?  You mean OTHER THAN THAT?  Frankly, he’s a holdover from a Horde that’s a thing of the past – too old, too sentimental, too backward-thinking when we’re trying to move our people forward.  Too willing to extend an olive branch to the Alliance when we need to be smashing them over the head with the whole fucking tree.

Mostly the threatening-to-kill-me thing, though.  I don’t want to tempt fate.  (Along similar lines, by the way, fate doesn’t want to tempt Saurfang.)

 

THE “I MIGHT ACTUALLY CONSIDER PICKING ONE OF YOU PEOPLE” DIVISION 

WARLORD CROMUSH
50 to 1

This one is a dark horse candidate, no question.  But the dude did yeoman’s work in Gilneas when he had the thankless job of keeping Sylvanas marginally under control, he’s run a tight ship in Hillsbrad at a time when the Horde finally secured a firm hold on the region, and he’s been our primary command officer in the Eastern Kingdoms going on a couple years now.  The fact that he’s been able to work with the Forsaken with some measure of success is a major plus – yeah, they’re creepy and sketchy and just plain ol’ EEEESH, but they’re handy to have around.  He probably needs some more grooming for higher things, but he’s worked his way into the conversation for future high-profile assignments.

 

MALKOROK
25 to 1

You know, Malkorok really has most of the bases covered: he’s smart, uncompromising, and relentlessly devoted to the Horde, with a sharp tactical mind and an indisputable ability to get shit done.  He’s reshaped the Kor’kron, tightened up security, and demonstrated he’s one of the people you want fighting beside you on the battlefield.  Down side?  Well, let me put it this way.

About a year ago, some goblins tried to start up a business making wyvern food.  They did all kinds of tests to find a good formula for it as far as ingredients, they did focus groups to give it the most appealing packaging, they launched a huge advertising campaign for it and made sure it was easy to find at all the vendors…and absolutely nobody bought it.  How come?  Because for all the things they had going for them and all the effort they put into packaging it just right…wyverns just didn’t like it.

Draw your own conclusions.

 

GENERAL NAZGRIM
10 to 1

You all know this guy, and have probably worked with him on at least an occasion or two.  And really, if being Warchief was purely a military matter, this would probably be the guy.  He’s an excellent strategist and tactician, he adapts well on the fly, and since he came up through the ranks the old-fashioned way (I remember him serving under me in Northrend as a piddly-ass sergeant…and to put that in perspective, remember, freaking DONTRAG made sergeant), he appreciates what it’s like to be one of the grunts in the trenches and isn’t afraid to get in there and get his hands dirty by their side.  Okay, there was that whole disaster where he shit the bed on security and let Anduin get away, but maybe he can delegate.  But here’s the thing: being Warchief isn’t solely a military job.  It’s also the political head of the Horde, which means that as Warchief, Nazgrim would essentially be steering the ship of state.  And, well…we all know what happens when that guy gets near a ship.

 

WARLORD ZAELA
5 to 1

Leader of the Dragonmaw and a no-kidding-around badass warrior.  She took command of the Dragonmaw clan after helping to overthrow the nutjob “Warchief” Mor’ghor – gotta admire someone who has the stones to take down a corrupted leader for the good of the clan.  She was new to leadership at the time, and I’ll admit I was probably a little tough on her in my assessments early on, but she’s really grown into the role, and she’s been stepping up to work on some more projects for me the last few months.  I’ll also admit I might be swayed by seeing how she went about her business in that other world.  Still a little green, though…I mean, green in the “inexperienced” sense.  Not green in the fel-magic-drinky-drinky-demon-blood-grr-rarr-proud-ancient-culture-down-the-drain-oops sense.  Was that insensitive?  Anyway, she could probably stand to have a few more years working closely under the Warchief before she’s in line for the job herself.  But she’s definitely on the rise.

 

WARLORD BLOODHILT
2 to 1

Bet you didn’t see this one coming, did you?  Just goes to show what an outside-the-box thinker your Warchief is.  Hell, sometimes I’m so far outside the box that I don’t even know where the fuck the box is.  What box, anyway?  Fucking metaphors.

Anyhow, some of you might remember Bloodhilt from the southern Barrens, where he assumed command of our operations after former Warlord (and current zombie sous chef) Gar’dul managed to make a giant mess of things down there.  Bloodhilt cleaned up Gar’dul’s fuck-ups, secured our position in the area, and made it possible for us to make our move on Theramore.  Since then he’s made the trip with us to Pandaria, where he’s been commanding officer at Domination Point.  Just a solid, stand-up officer who’s done nothing but impress from day one.  Any way you cut it, you can get used to seeing his name cropping up, because he’s not going anywhere.

 

So, there’s your breakdown.  On that note, I’m going to call it a day as far as answering the mail goes, but keep those letters coming and I’ll try to answer more of your questions as time allows.  Since Spazzle’s form doohickey worked pretty well for this batch of e-mails, here it is again:

Name(required)

Email(required)

Website

Comment(required)

More stupid questions

So you might remember a couple posts ago I talked about being invited by those Klout people to answer their members’ questions about blogging — A WISE MOVE ON THE PART OF KLOUT, I AM SURE YOU WILL AGREE.  (Huh.  I initially typoed “Klout” as “Lout”…can you imagine a place called “Lout.com” wanting my advice?)  I answered a bunch of questions for you, like I showed you all here, and even though I never heard anything back from them, I’m sure they appreciated my Warchieferous insight, because lo and behold, they’re at it again.

Yes, the Klout people have sent me another batch of questions to answer from their members, and hey, I couldn’t deny you people of my insight, so here we go.

 

What do you think are the best blogging tools and why?

I’m very big on the computer and keyboard, because I find paper and quill just make for a lot of busywork as far as distributing the posts to all my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS.  That and my hand cramps up a lot that way.  Actually my hand cramps up a lot when I’m online anyway, but the less said about that the better.  (HI, GREATMOTHER.)

 

What’s the easiest way to live blog an event and why?

Oh man, have you come to the right place.  When the event begins, start typing.  Hit “update” every now and then.  When it’s over, stop.  Also, try to make sure you’re not within range of Nozdormu’s why-fly, because timey whimey really fucks up your chronology.  Also make sure your tech goblin actually KEEPS VARIAN THE FUCK OUT THIS TIME BECAUSE WTF.

 

Do you think that it is important for businesses to have active blogs? Why or why not?

I think it’s much more important for businesses to have inactive blogs.  Because that sends the message that you’re way too fucking busy doing important shit like, you know, BUSINESS, to waste your day dicking around blogging.

 

Who are the three best bloggers and why?

Me, myself, and I.  Dumbass.  (Dumbass would be you.  Not one of the three best bloggers.  Which are me.  Because I’m at least as pimp as any three other bloggers.)  (Dumbass.)

 

KEEP ’EM COMING, KLOUT.  You’re welcome.

Also, while I’ve got everyone’s attention and I’m in the mood to answer questions, it occurs to me that I haven’t done a mailbag in quite a while, so let ,encourage you all to write in with any questions you might have for your Warchief.  To make it a little easier, in fact, I’m even going to try out this new doohicky that Spazzle says he build into the blog, so you folks can have an easier time sending in your letters…

Name(required)

Email(required)

Website

Comment(required)

Well looky there.  Shiny.

Also on the topic of receiving things from my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS, I just got a little goodie the other day that I just had to share with you all.  Those of you who follow me on Twitter (and for those of you who DON’T — WHY THE FUCK NOT?) might have noticed a few days ago I had a little back-and-forth with Sylvanas and Lor’themotherfucker.  Based on some of the…um…discussion we were having, loyalreaderandminion @RakaelWhispers put together this little gem and sent it along.  I thought you peeps would enjoy:

 

[A quick(ish) OOC note:  Apologies -- once again -- for becoming so inactive with the blog lately.  The last few weeks have been keeping me very busy with work, and even when I've had some down time, I often haven't had the mental energy to assemble something worth posting.  This has been compounded by the fact that blog continuity has reached a point at which the next post HAS to be a comic that I've had planned for a while.  (Unless I decide to try to do one more rap battle.  Which I might.  Don't try me.)  (Teasing preview: Dontrag and Utvoch feature heavily.  Plus an old mailbag friend makes a first-time comic-form appearance.)  (No, not Bob.)  (Parentheses are fun, aren't they?)  I'm doing my best to get the comic finished soon, but I don't want to promise a specific day and then fall short; I'm hoping I can count on your continued patience.  As always, I appreciate everyone's interest and feedback, and I'll be working as best I can to get the story rolling again before everybody gets too sick of waiting.]

Because you asked for it…

Okay, kids, while it’s still National Poetry Month, and I’m still basking in the glow of my GLORIOUS EPIC VERSE VICTORY over Varian (FUCK YOU, VARIAN VOTERS), I figured I’d do a request for another matchup.  Credit where it’s due, by the way, you guys really stepped up to the plate with your suggestions in the comments last time.  So, without any further ado…

*  *  *  *  *

EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

BRANN BRONZEBEARD

VS.

LOREWALKER CHO

BEGIN!

*  *  *  *  *

CHO:

Once upon a time, in a land across the sea,
An under-mountain kingdom was ruled by hammers three;
The youngest Bronzebeard brother wandered off, the world to see –
The great explorer?  He looks like a little poser to me.

You travel, sure, around the world, but don’t know what you’re doing;
You chase down leads but hardly have a clue what you’re pursuing.
But I know, “Branbronzan,” and now I’ll be your undoing:
Both our peoples might love beer, but you won’t like what I’ve got brewing.

Now I’m sure you’ll try your rhyming and you’ll throw your sticks and stones,
But you’ll never change the fact you’re a junior Harrison Jones.
You ran around backpacking but you didn’t go to college;
So take some notes here, kid — welcome to my Seat of Knowledge.

BRANN:

I’m sorry, were ye talking?  I think I zoned out,
From another long-ass story that nobody cares about.
When people listen to ye, they fall asleep and they drop;
They tune out long before they ever hear yer Aesop.

Ye got this right: I had no time to stay and rule a nation;
No politics for me, exploring was me inclination.
I roamed ’cross every continent and distant destination,
Unearthing Titan clues from Halls of Stone to Origination.

Now me rhymes are all unshackled and me flow’s unchecked,
So if ye want to battle, know ye’re gonna get wrecked.
They’ll be diggin’ up yer fragments when I finish my attack,
’Cause you’re fightin’ Brann now — nobody’s got yer back.

CHO:

You talk a good game, but your knowledge is a flop.
I preside in scholar’s heaven; you’re off working the gift shop.
You say your guild’s Explorer — you sure it’s not Lollipop?
I’ll call you Phase 3 Elegon — that’s how fast you’re gonna drop.

Into the Vaults I led a raiding team of nearly thirty;
I hung back smiling while I let them go get their hands dirty.
I studied mogu secrets while they fended off attackers;
You don’t discover anything unless it’s done ass-backwards.

You trumpet your achievements but I say it’s contradictory;
For all you do is bumble then Jar-Jar your way to victory.
I interpreted the warnings of the Emperor to heed.
Now the writing’s on the wall for you — but I don’t think you can read.

BRANN:

Don’t even try yer braggin’ ’bout yer strollin’ in the Vaults,
Twice now the world damn near blew up and it was all my fault.
I dug up Titan keepers and set loose Old God monstrosities:
There ain’t no trouble too big for my cat-like curiosity.

I dragged my hapless helpers through so many deadly places –
When I triggered that Tribunal, lad, ye shoulda seen their faces.
Oh, sure, they went complaining and they made a big production,
But I don’t think life’s worth livin’ if ye don’t risk world destruction.

Why, even now I’m on the trail of Titan secrets rare;
These tablets indicate a place, I just have to figure where.

CHO:

Wait, where’d you find those tablets?

BRANN:

In the Vaults of Mogu’shan.

CHO:

You snuck in there behind us?

BRANN:

Have we met?  Hi, my name’s Brann.

It seems a strange contraptions’s hidden somewhere in the Vale.
I’ll have to work it more, but rest assured I’m on the trail.

CHO:

Another Titan engine?

BRANN:

Or a prison.  Maybe so.
Wait, have ye got Old Gods down here?

CHO:

Not as far as we know.

But let me see that, junior, let a Lorewalker conduct
A proper study of those texts; the meaning I’ll deduct.
I’ll be the one to find it!

BRANN:

Yeah, grandpa, good luck.

CHO:

Better me; you’ll likely find a way to trip a self-destruct.

BRANN:

Ye know as well as I do: only thing worse than “unknown”
Is finding these devices…and then leaving them alone.

CHO:

’Tis true, the scholar’s impulse: though our helpers are perturbed;
Sometimes you simply must disturb what should not be disturbed.

BRANN:

A hidden button on the wall!  Its purpose — who knows what?
A Titan secret bigger than your furry panda gut.
I’ll bet it holds a secret!

CHO:

I’ll wager that it’s cursed!

BRANN:

I’m pressing that button!

CHO:

Not if I get there first!

<Brann and Cho run out in opposite directions.>

*  *  *  *  *

WHO WON?

WHO’S NEXT?

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

Again I ask…

WHO WON?

And, maybe even more importantly…

WHO’S NEXT?

No, really.

Since the live blog seemed to go over pretty well, and we DO still have a couple weeks left of National Poetry Month, I may see about putting together another of these battles before all is said and done…provided you guys are able to keep playing muse and come up with some good matchups!  So get commenting!

Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge: EPIC VERSE live blog

Those of you who were reading the blog last year at this time will remember Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge – when, in honor of National Poetry Month, I called upon my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS to give me suggestions for a whole slew of EPIC VERSE masterpieces.  You all stepped up to the plate (well, those of you who were here at the time…and for those of you who weren’t, WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?), and we had a month full of EPIC VERSE goodness.

This year, as I announced a couple weeks ago, I’m continuing the Poetry Challenge tradition with a live blog.  Yes, that’s right, it’s the SECOND ANNUAL Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge – sure to be an annual tradition for years and years to come.

For tonight’s lyrical explosion of spontaneous awesomeness, I’m once again calling on you all to inspire your Warchief.  Here’s how this is going to work: when this post goes live, you’re all invited to use the comments to post your ideas and suggestions – you can give topics, themes, characters, turns of phrase, ANYTHING you think might make for a good starting point to give me ideas for what I’m going to write.  (Try to keep your suggestions here in the comments, rather than Twitter/Facebook/wherever, so your fellow readers and I can see them all in one place.)

Starting at 8:00 PM EDT, I’ll begin the live blog by adding to this post.  At that point, I’ll start composing a new EPIC VERSE masterpiece (or masterpieces?) based on the suggestions you’ve given.  Feel free to keep offering new ideas as we go along – I might incorporate new suggestions into the poem I’m writing, or maybe use them for ANOTHER new poem before the night is out.  We’ll just see how it goes.  In any case…once the live blog has started, keep refreshing this page.  I’ll be adding to the post incrementally as I write, and you’ll get to watch your Warchief’s latest EPIC VERSE composed right before your eyes, in progress.

Kind of like getting to see how the sausage gets made.  If the sausage was made from the ground meat of the SUPER AWESOME UBER-BEAST RAISED IN THE PARADISE FIELDS OF GENIUS AND FED A STEADY DIET OF SOLIDIFIED PERFECTION AND BADASSERY.

*  *  *  *  *

Okay, kids, the show’s about to begin.  I’m going to take a moment and take a look at what we’ve got for suggestions so far, and maybe give the latecomers a minute or two to get their initial suggestions in before I get rolling.  Keep the ideas coming as we go, and I may still work them in as I’m able…

Remember, keep refreshing this page to watch the live blog unfold in progress.

*  *  *  *  *

The Dontrag and the Utvoch came
To celebrate the season,
And brought such pain to any brain
Imbued with any reason.

The Dontrag and the Utvoch asked
The Warchief for permission
To undertake — for sure, half-baked –
A Noblegarden mission.

The Dontrag and the Utvoch told
The Warchief of their plan:
To gather eggs from hopping legs
That bounced around the land.

The Warchief, for his part, approved,
And told them to proceed.
(He thought, of course, the only source
For this could be felweed.)

The Dontrag and the Utvoch ran
Across the Four-Winds Valley,
And high and low sought eggs to go
Into their final tally.

Then near a burrow, D&U
Saw wrigglin’ and squirmin’,
When to the ground, with mighty bound
Leapt out a giant virmen.

The Dontrag cried, “Move fast, Utvoch!
Don’t let it run off!  Grab it!”
For sure, he thought, they had just caught
The Noblegarden Rabbit.

The Dontrag and the Utvoch pounced
And lunged with all their might –
Though in no story was their quarry
Such a daunting height.

They found the Rabbit’s fury one
That not a one surpasses,
So by the end, their hoppy friend
Had badly kicked their asses.

The Warchief, when the pair returned,
Was unsure, sad or funny,
Which best to say, to know that they’d
Been beat on by a bunny.

The Dontrag and the Utvoch mused,
“At least we didn’t die.”
And down they sat on asses fat
And dined on humble pie.

EPIC V—

That was weak.

…

The FUCK?  Who the hell is this?!

What, you still don’t recognize me, Hellscream?  I thought you were good at spotting me online now.

Wait, don’t tell me this is—  Hang on.

SPAZZLE!

What’s up, boss?

The likelihood of me drop-kicking your green ass back to the Lost Isles, for starters.

That’s it.  Throw another hissy fit and alienate even more of your own people.  That’s a formula for success.

Oh…oh no.  Don’t tell me Varian broke into the blog again.

OH I’M TELLING YOU EXACTLY THAT, MOTHERFUCKER

Have you considered anger management classes, by the way?

What the hell happened to the SECURITY thingywhatsises you were supposedly building into the blog, like, FOREVER ago?

Ugh.  It must be that wireless connection you have down there.  I TOLD you Grizzle didn’t know how to set up a reliable network above the level of aluminum cans and some string.

Goddammit.  Well try to get him out of here, will you?  I’ve got a live blog to do.

You mean this exhibition of fail?  Hah.  I couldn’t pass up the chance to look in a watch you make an even bigger jackass of yourself than usual.

Hey, don’t be jealous just because I actually know how to string a few words together, human.

Actually, you know what?  Go ahead and be jealous of that.  Also of all the fans I have, who’ve turned out to bask in the brilliance (BACK ME UP HERE, PEOPLE).  And, oh yeah, of how much smarter and better-looking and all-around more awesome I am.

Hellscream, I haven’t done any writing since I was a kid—

I notice you’re not counting your own blog there.

—but even I could do better than these dimwitted nursery rhymes you’re spewing out.

You know what, asshole?  YOU’RE ON.  Let’s see what you’ve got.

CUE THE AMBIGUOUSLY THIRD-PERSON LEAD-IN!

*  *  *  *  *

EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

GARROSH HELLSCREAM

VS.

VARIAN WRYNN

BEGIN!

*  *  *  *  *

Come on, bring it, Hellscream – hope you’re ready to lose.
I’m pretty sure a basic campfire could rhyme better than you.
I’m the king!  The boss!  I was born to rule!
Thrall took his Doomhammer and left the orcs with a tool.
While I was ruling orc arenas with my wolf-god-modding
You were a whiny emo bitch busy whining and sobbing.
I’ll crush you, Garrosh, and add it to our duel triple feature
’Cause I’m the High King – you’re just a substitute teacher.

I’ve got no time for your Alliance propaganda,
Gonna beat you down so hard you’re gonna think I’m a panda.
You’re facing Garrosh, Lo’gosh – I was put here to pwn ya.
My dad killed Mannoroth; yours got ganked by Garona.
So the Warchief will pour grief and settle some scores:
I’m taking the lok’tar, all the ogar is yours.
No “either/or” in the fate that you deserved:
Crushed beneath the Horde – AND the one getting served.

Sure, hide in daddy’s shadow – I knew you’d bring up Grom,
I don’t remember that he ever had to use a mana bomb.
You’re on your own now, worried yet?  ’Cause your lackeys you’re lackin’ –
You’re not getting bailed out now by your magnataur and kraken.
I’m coming with a gag order, I’ve had more than enough,
You’re so much talk, even your howling axe won’t ever shut up.
You’ve got a skull that’s all tiny, and your jaw’s extra large –
Between your mouth and your brain, I guess that shows who’s in charge.

You’re one to talk jaws, Chin-Boy, yours could carve out a mogu,
I’d call you Scarface but you’ve got no friends to say hello to.
Your scars and fail and ponytail – you’re like Lor’themar Lite.
I’ll bake your pride in lemon squares: here, swallow both in one bite.
You’re defensive, apprehensive; I’m offensive, gone berzerker –
I bet Tiffin cut you off, that’s why you had to screw your workers.
My rhymes are terse and yours are worse, so curse and next time go rehearse,
Now FUCK YOU, VARIAN – that’s

EPIC

fucking

VERSE

<drops mic and walks away like a boss>

…

*  *  *  *  *

WHO WON?

WHO’S NEXT?

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

 

[Thanks for coming, everyone.  More weirdness soon...]

Ask a stupid question

So, yeah, I know it’s been a while since I updated.  I ended up being really, REALLY busy on Earth Online for a while, so whenever I got done with all my dailies, I was too damn tired to worry about blogging.  The worst part of the grind is over now, though, so I should be able to be a little better about updating here.

So speaking of blog matters, there’s a site that some of you probably know about called Klout that tries to measure how influential people are online (to questionable degrees of success).  You get a score out of 100, and people can give you these kinda-sorta thumbs-ups for topics you’re supposedly an expert on.  And I guess they have some other ways of gauging topics where people consider you “influential.”

So for instance, the Klout people think I’m influential when it comes to blogging, poetry, and comedy.  (No word on why “kicking ass,” “being fucking awesome,” and “lemon squares” didn’t make this list.)  I don’t know where the comedy part comes from, unless they’re talking about the supporting cast I’m stuck with, and even then I’d consider them more of a tragedy than a comedy, personally.  But whatever, I guess that’s their point of view.  Comedy is the tragedy that happens to someone else, and tragedy is the comedy that happens to you.

Anyway, I recently got a notice from the Klout people that because of my expertise (damn right, show the proper respect, bitches), I was eligible to answer questions from other Klout users.  So when I opened up my page, I had a bunch of trial questions to answer, in Tweet-ish short answer form.  And so I figured, I can’t deprive you all of the wisdom I imparted here.  So here, copy-and-pasted directly from my submissions on the site…

 

How should I get started blogging?

First, find a goblin who has a lot of free time and tell him he’s going to set the site up for you because it would be a shame if there was a major fire in the Bilgewater slums.  No, you can’t have my goblin, get your own.  Then sit your ass down and start typing.  When you run out of ideas, stop.

 

Are there any blogging resources you would recommend?

Yes.  Again, you definitely want to have a tech goblin working for you who can set up the site and maintain it and explain nerdy technical shit like deleting.  Because the last thing you want is to get stuck having to sit at a computer all day.  Again, no, you can’t have mine.

 

Which blog host site do you prefer and why?

Not that one.  I hear it sucks.

 

What advice can you give someone who wants to make money blogging?

You can make money blogging?  That’s fucking news to me!  My only suggestion is that no matter how awesome your content is, you absolutely, positively cannot be drawing on somebody else’s intellectual property.  Then again, that would be pretty fucking lame in the first place, so, you know.

 

How can I tell if my content is funny?

Ask yourself this question: Do people laugh at you a lot?  If no, I have bad news for you.  If yes, ask yourself this follow-up question: When they laugh at you, were you trying to make them laugh?  If yes, you’re probably funny.  If no…well…hello, Utvoch.

 

What subject matter should I write my poetry about?

Well for one, you could write about how you don’t end a sentence with a preposition.  Whatever you do, don’t try writing poetry about telling Varian Wrynn to go fuck himself, because I’m telling you right now, I’ve got that shit covered.

 

Yes, I actually submitted all these.  Why do you ask?

I have not yet received a notification from the Klout people to thank me for my insight and confirm that my answers would be posted with all due haste.  But I’m guessing they’ve just been busy on Earth Online too and I’ll be hearing from them soon enough.

While I’ve got everyone’s attention, though, and while we’re on the subject of poetry, let me remind everyone that the Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge LIVE BLOG will be tomorrow night, April 14.  I’ll put up a setup post that evening asking for you all to give me suggestions for EPIC VERSE topics and themes, and start time for the live blog will be 8:00 PM EDT.  I’ll be composing a new EPIC VERSE masterpiece based on the suggestions you all make that night, and you’ll get to watch it being composed line by line, live and in person.  BE THERE OR BE PREPARED TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF TO YOUR GRANDCHILDREN YEARS FROM NOW WHEN THEY COME TO YOU LIKE “GRANDMA, WTF?!”

Mutiny!

Since we finished with Shan Kien a few days ago, I’ve been back at Domination Point, partly checking in on things there with Warlord Bloodhilt and General Nazgrim, and partly giving myself a break from Baine and Lor’themotherfucker.  Maybe if I leave them alone with each other, they’ll have no option but to bitch and moan at each other until one of them reaches bitch-and-moan critical mass and spontaneously combusts.  Not likely, I know, but it’s a little dream I have.

As part of my much-needed recuperation time, I finally managed to get Earth Online set up on my computer here.  The internet here at the base is still kind of spotty – I’ve been having to pick my spots as far as when I can blog for the entire time I’ve been here – but Grizzle Gearslip tells me the connection should be stable enough now that I shouldn’t have any trouble getting some gaming in.

 

You have logged on.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  what about blurry vision?  slurred speech?

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  oh hey

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well well, look who we have here!

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  no

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  it’s probably not one of ours, then.

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  I hope you feel better, ji

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Hey people

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  You sense of humor is, as always, most amusing, Doctor.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  anyway, does anyone have a level 30 something they’d like to team up with?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  But you should be wary of making such jokes, as they may only encourage some to believe we’re actually pursuing such untoward efforts as the creation of plague.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  actually never mind, i should probably get going

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  see you later, ji

[EdwardBear | Ji] has logged off.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  yeah, i can’t imagine where anyone would get that idea about us.

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  has garona gotten there yet?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Huh this is weird…

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  What is, Warchief?

You have been disconnected.

.

.

.

.

.

You have logged on.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  do you think he got mad and logged?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  oh hey, Garrosh

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  welcome back.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well, I suppose we’ll see presently, won’t we.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Ugh

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Thanks, Doc

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  did you see my tell?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Is everything all right, Garrosh?

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  Yeah

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  I just didn’t get a chance to answer

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I think so

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  what happened?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I’m not sure, my connection just went out on me

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well, hopefully it was an isolated hiccup and won’t continue causing you problems.

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  But no, she didn’t get here yet

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  ah ok

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, hopefully

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  Why?

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  just curious

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So anyway, as I was saying

You have been disconnected.

.

.

.

.

.

You have logged on.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  thanks baddie

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  You two are well, I hope.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  PRETTY GOOD THANKS

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  re-wb

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  And back again.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  hi pwn

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  same problem, boss?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  havent seen u in a while

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Pretty much

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Just getting knocked offline randomly

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Quite frustrating, I’m sure.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, I’ve been traveling for work, so I haven’t been able to log on until now

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  what kind of internet connection do you have there?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  yea i know how that goes

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  i’ve been having to travel around some for work too

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  If you’re looking for something more specific than “apparently a bad one,” you’re talking to the wrong guy

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  hmm

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So anyway

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  How interesting, Leslie.  Anything specific you’re working on these days?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Did they change something in the guild management panel?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I’m sure the details would be fascinating.

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  at the bottom of your UI, mouse over the icon that looks like a little planet

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  that will show your network info

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Not that I’m aware of.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Why do you ask?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  lol your always so interested in my work

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  oh boy…

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  Okay, I’ve got it

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I’m just curious about people’s professional experiences.  ^_^

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I’m showing a lot fewer guild management options than I used to

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So I’m wondering if they changed something

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  ok, at the very bottom of that info box there should be a string of numbers and letters

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  lol well theres alot going on here but alot of it i cant really talk about

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  copy that to me

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well, no.  Perhaps you should peruse the guild roster a moment.

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  Hmm, okay…give me a minute…

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  here we go…

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oh but those are the most interesting ones to chat about under the anonymity afforded by the internet.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  well, you’ve established you work in Dalaran.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  well yes

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Hang on, I’m juggling a couple things

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  if it involves magic research i could probably save you some time finding the tomes you need.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  HOW DO YOU FIGURE

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  THX1138-NCC1701-PU36

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  oh man

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  well, based on our conversation the other day, I probably know your libraries a bit better than you.

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  who set up your connection down there?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  your serious

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  my serious what?

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  Grizzle Gearslip

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  Why?  How bad is it?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  no, ‘your serious’ is a question

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay, guild roster

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  no, “you’re serious?” is a question.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  “your serious” is an incomplete noun phrase.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Um.

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  ugh… he’s good with mining and construction

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  …

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Just exactly

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  WHAT

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  THE FUCK

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  IS THIS?

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  but for networking he might as well be trying to put something together with one of those electronics kits from the wonderworks

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  if you don’t want my help, you can just say no.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  What is what, pray tell?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL WHAT

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  HOW exactly is it showing SYLVANAS as guild leader???

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  hoo boy…

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well, there *are* in-game mechanisms for such things.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  When the current leader is offline for a prolonged period.  ^_^

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You fucking OVERTHREW me?!?!

You have been disconnected.

.

.

.

.

.

You have logged on.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  I don’t think he would jsut rage quit

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Ah, here he is.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  wb pwn

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  looks like you’re having connection trouble

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay so AS I WAS SAYING

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You OVERTHREW me??!

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  can’t say I’m surprised you’re having trouble staying on

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You could say that, yeah

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  ^_^

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  So…it’s bad.

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  let me put it this way

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  And hey, hold on, she couldn’t even have DONE this without another officer, so that means either you or Mokvar, Spazzle

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  congratulations, the base hasn’t burned down yet

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  um, well…

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  What’s going on with Mokvar now, anyway?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  It’s funny you should ask, Warchief.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  so yeah staying on topic

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  I was the one who signed off on the dethrone

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I…see

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]:  Fucking hell is THIS what you were talking about???

[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered:  um, what?

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]:  With the “they’re going to turn against you” cryptic bullshit

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  well to be fair, boss, you’d been away for a while and there was no telling when you’d be able to get on again

[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered:  you realize that was another version of me whose memories i don’t share, right?

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]:  UGH FUCKING TIME TRAVEL

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  and your connection right now isn’t exactly helping

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah yeah whatever

[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered:  fucking time travel indeed.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You people have had your fun, now reinstall me before I get on a boat headed north

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oh, very well, Warchief.  If you insist.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I seriously don’t know what the fuck is wrong with people, I look away for a minute and everything turns into a fucking cartoon

[Lorthemar] has logged on.

[Lorthemar] has been promoted to Guild Leader.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  …

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oops.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  YOU’RE FUCKING RIGHT OOPS

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  grats lorthemar!

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  oh this should be good.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  That honestly was a legitimate mistake.  Albeit a funny one.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Oh…wow…really?

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  CONGRATS ON THE PROMOTION LOR

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I was about to click on you to promote you when Lor’themar logged on.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  i will bet you any amount of money you’re not the only person saying “wow, really?” right now.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  And, well, his character name is right ahead of yours alphabetically.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  So…he bumped you down one spot on the guild list, and…

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Well…thank you, guildmates!

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  are you seeing this, lor?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  This is truly an unexpected honor

[Guild][Lorthemar]  But one for which I shall endeavor to prove my worthiness!

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  yay lor!

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I really don’t know what else to say!

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  i know you’ll make a good guild leader =)

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Thank you!

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  guess not

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  He probably doesn’t realize he has to turn on officer chat.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay so seriously

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Oh, hello, Omgipwnedurface.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  yeah probably

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, hello

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So before you get speechifying again, Livindead just made a mistake handing you the reins

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So before you get too excited

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  oh yikes

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Hand them back over

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Oh.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Well, I suppose LivinDeadGrl DOES have more experience as an officer.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  NOT TO HER YOU FUCKING WASTE OF SPACE

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  PROMOTE -ME-

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Fine, fine, let me find where the command is…

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  does anyone know if there’s a popcorn vendor anywhere in game?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Well FIND IT FAST LORI

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  WHILE YOU STILL HAVE ONE EYE TO LOOK WITH

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I’m working on it, calm down…

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  what are u looking for sweetie?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh fuck you, Hair-Care

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Huh.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  WHAT? I’M NOT LOOKING FOR ANYTHING

[Guild][Lorthemar]  You know what?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  oops sorry, that was pwn

[Guild][Lorthemar]  No.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Fuck YOU.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  i thought it was u typing there

You have been kicked out of the guild.

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  jkhfgkjshgfkjysdgkfiuhsdfjkghskgf

You whispered to [Lorthemar]:  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  I know, I know

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] whispered:  My apologies, Warchief.

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] whispered:  I’m trying to calm Lor’themar down now.

[Lorthemar] whispered:  Fuck you, Garrosh

[Proudleslie | Jaina] whispered:  omg what happened?

You whispered to [Lorthemar]:  Oh you REALLY want to die, don’t you

[Lorthemar] is ignoring you.

You whispered to [LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]:  Well now he’s ignoring me

You whispered to [LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]:  So you can tell him to stop being such a tempermental baby while you’re at it

You whispered to [Proudleslie | Jaina]:  Don’t even get me started

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] whispered:  Of course, sir.

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  yeah, he’s pretty upset

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  I don’t know what we’re going to do about GL, but I can invite you back to the guild at least

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  Oh gee thanks

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  I don’t fucking believe this shit

You have been invited to join the guild <Warchief>.

You have joined the guild <Warchief>.

You have been promoted to the rank Recruit.

You have been promoted to the rank Member.

You have been promoted to the rank Officer.

You have been disconnected.

.

.

.

.

.

You have logged on.

[Officer][Lorthemar]  Well that’s just too bad, now isn’t it?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Lor’themar, I understand, but please try to be prudent at least.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  FUCKING HELL

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  wow this is a really bad day for pwn

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  welcome back, boss

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  UGH this is infuriating

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Actually, while we’re inviting, let me bring a friend in as well, if nobody minds.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  sure

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Between the disconnections and Ponytail here all I need is a pickle for the crap sandwich that is my day

[Bob] has joined the guild.

[Bob] has been promoted to the rank Recruit.

[Bob] has been promoted to the rank Member.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  hi bob!

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  WELCOME

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Greetings, Bob!  As Guild Leader, let me welcome you to the guild!

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I’m sure you’ll feel right at home with the <Warchief> tag below your name.

[Guild][Bob]  Tanks, mon!  It’s good ta be here!

[Guild][Bob]  I be lookin’ forward to goin’ on epic missions with lots a ya!

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  This guy seems familiar

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  OH SHIT

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  ^_^

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So…you play EO too, huh?

[Guild][Bob]  Hey, mon!  Do I know ya?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  sigh

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I’ll get you all for this

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  No

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  um

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Nice to meet you

[Guild][Bob]  Good ta meet ya too, OmgipwneduMon!

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  But for now… I’m going to log off before this vein in my forehead bursts

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  quick recommendation, boss?

You whispered to [LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]:  You GET his ass in line, you understand me?

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] whispered:  Of course, dear Warchief.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  next time you log on, if you think you smell burning hair, turn off your computer

[Guild][Bob]  So I got a question if anybody knows.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Fine

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  For the duration, Lor’themar, you might want to change the GL title from what I’d set it as.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Taking off now

[Guild][Bob]  If da Lich King’s horse be Invincible, how come I could see it?

[Officer][Lorthemar]  What’s the title now?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  “Queen.”

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  no no, thats invisible

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  oh man, good thing Garrosh is leaving

You have logged off.

Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge revisted

So, with the calendar about to roll over into April, you know what that means – National Poetry Month!

And you know what National Poetry Month means – Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge!

For those of you who weren’t reading the blog at this time last year…well, first of all, WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU?  But, letting that slide for the moment (but JUST for the moment, so don’t get too comfy), let me explain.  Last year, in honor of National Poetry month, I stepped up to the plate to crank out a month’s worth of EPIC VERSE, all inspired by reader suggestions.  The poems were kind of a mixed bag – which is to say, they were varying degrees of SPECTACULAR FREAKING GENIUS.  Just as you would expect from your Warchief.  Locks in Socks seemed to go over pretty well, for one.

Anyway.  I want to do another poetry challenge this year to commemorate the month, but I also want to mix it up a little and not just repeat what I did last year.  Plus, there’s so much going on around here what with the Alliance and the mogu and the Divine Bell, I don’t know if I can spare the time to set aside two days a week for poetry.  BRILLIANT THOUGH IT IS.

So here’s this year’s plan.  I’m still going to be offering up some EPIC VERSE drawing on reader suggestions, but this time around, I’m going to go about it a little differently.  Hold on to your ass for this one.

Two words: live blogging.

That’s right, I’m going to live blog EPIC VERSE, and you’re all invited to watch it being composed right before your eyes, line by line.  Or couplet by couplet…stanza by…oh, fuck it, you’ll get to see it being written incrementally in SOME configuration depending on what I come up with at the time, okay?!

So here’s how this is going to work.  Two weeks from today – SUNDAY, APRIL 14 – I’ll put up a post in the early evening to set the stage for the live blog.  Everyone will be invited to leave comments on that post with EPIC VERSE suggestions.  It could be a topic, a theme, a character you’d like to see, a turn of phrase – anything you can come up with that will give me something to work with and get the ol’ creative juices flowing.  Then, at 8 PM EST, I’ll start the live blog, and you’ll be able to see what I come up with as I compose my newest masterpiece live before your eyes, based on at least one, possibly more, of your suggestions.

Remember, save your ideas for the big night – don’t post your suggestions now, because part of the point of it all is to see what I can come up with when I get your ideas dropped on me that night with no time to prepare.  Otherwise, though…be thinking of ideas, and clear your schedule on the night of April 14 – EPIC VERSE AWAITS.

Timing is Everything

Hi, everyone.  This is Averry, making one of my rare appearances.

Since I’ve gotten a few inquiries about this, I thought I would make a blanket note here in the blog: Yes, I know I’m running way behind in-game events.  Yes, I know we’re a few weeks into patch 5.2, and the blog is still only midway through the Domination Offensive storyline from 5.1.  Yes, yes, I know.

Now, granted, the blog has always trailed a bit behind the game as a matter of necessity – I’ve always maintained that when new material comes out, I want to have time to play through and process it before I start trying to work it into the blog.  So there was never a chance that new content would be acknowledged here right away (well, other than foreshadowing).  But since it’s now bordering on the ridiculous, let’s just acknowledge it: the blog is pretty much unfolding under its own timetable.  Part of the reason is the comics (new one coming up soon-ish, by the way; Dontrag and Utvoch fans rejoice) — which are fun to make, but man, do they ever eat up time, so they’ve led to some longer gaps between posts than I would like.  Another part is, obviously, the side stories I’ve been working into the Domination Offensive thread, not to mention the Mokvar story that’s been running simultaneously.

If anything, I’m grateful that people seem to have been sticking with me through all of this.  To make everything a little easier to follow, I’ve added entries to the Major Storylines page for both the Domination Offensive events and Mokvar’s story (the latter being a story that really has to develop slowly).  I’ll try to keep those pages updated as the stories unfold.  In the meantime, I can only ask that people continue to trust that there’s a reason why I’m not just banging out the Domination storyline in a week’s worth of posts, and that all the peripheral material is actually leading somewhere.  It just…may not necessarily lead there as quickly as the patch releases might dictate.  My hope is that after I finish with 5.1 (someday!), I’ll be able to make up a little time, since the 5.2 content isn’t particularly Garrosh-heavy, but even then, there will be some 5.1 fallout to deal with.  (Not least of all being a surprise set off by the purge of Dalaran – that’s right, there’s your teaser!)  All of which will probably keep me busy until 5.3 has been out for months…hoo boy.

This all may or may not be part of a devious plot to delay the Warchief’s eventual fate while I milk more time to spin my strange variety of yarns.  Draw your own conclusions…

Be seeing you,

Averry