Landfall

Greetings from Pandaria, bitches!

We arrived yesterday and we’re well underway getting set up.  Our scouts had found a good location for a base along the southwestern shore of the Krasarang Wilds, and sent up a signal for us once the fleet was in range.  Once we brought everyone ashore, work on an outpost here got rolling.

Get this, though.  Turns out, at practically the exact same time, an ALLIANCE force landed at the EASTERN end of the Krasarang Wilds and started building a base THERE.  Which first of all, what are the odds of THAT timing, and also, for fuck’s sake, will people stop ripping off all my ideas?  I’ll tell you right now, if Varian starts writing poetry too, I’m going to lose my shit.

Anyway, this meant that shortly after we arrived, we had bunched of Alliance troops showing up and attacking.  And what THIS meant?  That yours truly got to get out there and mix it up with some humans, something I haven’t done in way too long.  You should have seen the looks on their faces, by the way.  Like “Holy shit, it’s Garrosh Hellscream!”  “Holy shit, he’s kicking our asses!”  “Holy shit, where did the bottom half of my torso go?”

So things are coming along now.  Blood Guard Gro’tash, Commander Scargash, and Rak’gor Bloodrazor are heading up the defenses while we build.  Meanwhile I’m sending Malkorok ahead to the Shrine of Two Moons, where I hear the last wave of Horde have set up camp, to check things out and also get Belloc Brightblade from the Reliquary started researching this race that used to rule Pandaria before the pandas took over.  There should be more Reliquary types on the way to join him once the rest of the blood elf ships arrive with Regent-Lord Ponytail.  Plus we’ve got one more waves of troops coming from Kalimdor to fill out our numbers here in Krasarang.

The only down side at this point is that my internet is pretty spotty.  Grizzle Gearslip, who’s overseeing most of the building project, seems to know his shit where construction is concerned, but he’s not the computer whiz Spazzle is.  I’ve only been able to get online sporadically with this laptop, and I don’t know if that’s going to change anytime soon, so I’m trying not to push my luck.  Definitely not rolling the dice trying to play Earth Online, for instance.  Hopefully Mokvar and Spazzle have been helping fill the void and can keep it up for the time being.

Also, by the way, while we were going around roflstomping Alliance, I got my first chance to break in Mortimer’s new armor, compliments of Gurtash.  Check is out:

Pretty badass, huh?  The only thing Mortimer doesn’t seem too thrilled about is the horns attached to the headpiece.  Personally I think they look all hardcore, kind of like he’s got his own version of those tusks of Mannoroth’s that I wear.  But Mortimer just keeps giving me the same face he did last Winter Veil when I made him wear those fake reindeer antlers.

Oh, speaking of Winter Veil, by the way, before I left for this trip, I wrote up a guest post for Typhoon Andrew as part of Blog Azeroth’s Furtive Father Winter gift exchange.  You should totally check it out here if you haven’t already, even if it turns out it IS an Alliance blog.

Fucking Alliance.

Guest Post: Furtive Father Winter

[Special guest post today, as part of Blog Azeroth's Furtive Father Winter gift exchange.  Today's post was provided by Akabeko of Red Cow Rise -- many thanks!  I'll be back with a final note from Mokvar after Akabeko's gem.  So now, without further ado...]

———

(On the Feast of Winter Veil, a grunt brings a brightly-wrapped box to the Warchief’s quarters. Inside are several letters, cards, and small gifts. A simple note is left on top of the whole festive affair.)

“Hey, Warchief. Do not open until Winter Veil! I rounded up all the gifts that arrived for you and put them together for easy transport on your trip. Happy Holidays. –Mokvar.”

On the back of the note, a card for one-month’s worth of Earth Online game time has been attached, with a note saying, “For when you find a stable wifi connection in Pandaria!”

The first card is printed on very thick, expensive paper and depicts the ruins of Lordaeron blanketed in snow. Somehow, this makes them look even bleaker and more terrifying, rather than peaceful. Inside, the card reads, “A very merry Feast of Winter Veil to my favorite Warchief. I wish you success in your siege of Pandaria and a Happy New Year.” It’s signed with an elaborate, flowing, nearly illegible “Sylvanas Windrunner.” The small package is wrapped in black paper and contains a miniature model of a plague thrower.

The next card is written in strong letters. The outside shows Greatfather Winter astride a comically large horse. Inside, it is in Common rather than Orcish. “Warchief Hellscream, I wish you an illustrious Winter Veil and a bright New Year. May fortune favor you in whichever endeavors you choose to undertake. May you be showered with the brightest of blessings and-“ (here, the handwriting appears to have been cut off, and finishes reluctantly) “-happy holidays from Tirion Fordring.” Below this, a different hand has written “and Eitrigg.”

Next is a postcard. One side has a standard greeting: “Happy Holidays!” in gold script. The back says, “…from Anger Management!” It has been signed by those who have attended sessions with the Warchief. Mylune has drawn tiny pawprints around her name.

On the next envelope, Mokvar has added a sticky note that says, “There wasn’t a return address on this one, so I’m not sure who it’s from! Maybe you’ll figure it out from the handwriting?” Inside is a card depicting the Silvermoon coat of arms. The note simply reads, “Merry Feast of Winter Veil from LOR’THEMAR THERON, REGENT LORD OF QUEL’THALAS.” There is also a small parchment with a sketch of his noble visage, just in case.

Below this is a handmade card from Garona. In fairly passable calligraphy, she has written “Happy Holidays, honorable Warchief.” There are faint smudges where the words “Let’s have dinner” have been erased. There is also a package wrapped in shiny red paper which contains a pair of soft wool fingerless gloves. Who knew Garona was so good with crafts?

The next card is smudged and crinkled. An unsteady hand has written “Merry Happy Winter Veil.” Below this are two messy signatures that might say “Dontrag” and “Utvoch.” It may have been written in crayon.

The final card bears the Alliance crest. The inside reads,

“Happy Holidays
From a superior king
Oh – FUCK YOU GARROSH”

———

Postscript from Mokvar:

I didn’t mention any of this when I originally delivered it to Garrosh a few days ago, just becuase…well…after he saw that last one, it seemed like a good idea to wait a little while till after he’d left town before anyone brought it up again.  When I was assembling the package, I remember giving Ben-Lin Cloudstider, the anger management counselor, a peek at the card from Varian there…and her replying, “I see.  I will clear my calendar for the next few weeks, then.”

Monday mailbag

Short break from the ongoing business in Silithus and Ferelas and Dustwallow and wherever the hell I’m going to end up getting stuck going to next, to answer some mail…

 

Dear Garrosh Hellscream, Warchief of the Horde;

I just wanted to thank you for kindly taking the time out of your busy schedule to spread some cheer at the orphanage this Winter’s Veil.  The children were so thrilled to meet Greatfather Winter in person and to receive their new toys.  There is so little excitement in their daily routine, and they have so very few possessions, that this event made a huge impression on them.  Many are still talking about it to this day.

Of course, some of the older children realize that it was not really Greatfather Winter delivering their presents; however, they were quite touched to see that the Warchief himself has not forgotten them, the Horde’s smallest and most vulnerable citizens.  I have informed these older children about the existence of your blog, so you may notice a slight increase in your readership.

Thank you once again, and may you have a very happy New Year.

–Orphan Matron Battlewail.

Some of you might have remembered last week that Eitrigg had gotten me to “volunteer” to play Greatfather Winter at the Orgrimmar orphanage (read: he went ahead and fucking told them I was going to do it without actually asking me, then played the honor-your-commitments and set-an-example-for-keeping-your-word-for-the-kids cards on me).  A lot of you have probably seen this already, but @_Rades over at Orcish Army Knife somehow managed to get a picture of the spectacle too, so that might be worth a peek if you really don’t want to let me get away with any dignity.

Anyway, though… I guess it’s good that the kids felt like someone was looking out for them, even if a lot of them ARE a bunch of snot-nosed little brats.  (And to think Thrall actually wants to be a dad, too… I’ll tell you right now, I am NOT looking forward to playing Uncle Garrosh at those get-togethers.)

 

Dear Warcheif,

My name is Gurtash, and I’m 13 years old.  I live in Orgrimmar at the orphinage.  My mom was sick and died after leaving the enterrnment camps.  My dad died in battle in Northend fighting scorge.  He was very brave and taght me to live with honor.  I am going to be a warrior to like my dad and you.

Matron Battlewhale showwed me your blog it is very good.  I love wyverns and Mortimer is the best!  I seen you fly him before.  My dad said I could have wyvern when I’m older but he died.  Can i help you take care of Mortimer?  I will feed him and brush him and clean his stall and talk to him.  Maybe you could give me some sillver for helping or not that’s ok to.  Let me know ok.  Thanks.

Flying in the sky
Someday I’ll fly as high
Mortimer on the wing
Faster than anything
Loyal to the end
Protecting his friend
So dont start a fight
He will end it right.

EPIC VERSE!

–Gurtash

Uh oh, here we go.  Well, I guess Battlewhale— erm, I mean, Battlewail did warn me.

Wait, this kid’s dad died fighting the Scourge in Northrend?  But that would mean…oh crap.

So, Gurtash, I um…yeah, I’m sorry about your folks, but it’s good to hear you want to be a brave warrior of the Horde like your dad.  Lucky for you we do have some really good trainers here in Orgrimmar, so make sure you listen to them once you’re a little older and you get to go down to the Valley of Trials.  And make sure you eat lots of meat to build your strength.  I know a lot of grownups are going to try pushing the vegetables on you, and they’re fine if you can choke them down, I guess, but trust me on this, you’re going to want a lot of protein for muscle.  Pork, steak, bacon – dude, you cannot possibly get enough bacon – tastes great and great FOR you!  Take it from your Warchief.

Also gotta say, you win points for the epic verse (no caps here because it’s kind of EPIC VERSE! junior edition in this case).  Keep up the poetry, and just remember, don’t let anybody give you any crap about it.  Somewhere along the line, some smartass is probably going to try to make some wisecracks about you writing poetry, but don’t listen to them.  In fact, the best way to handle it is to just let them yammer on, let them take their best shot, and then take YOUR best shot back, ideally by beating the living shit out of them.  I mean the living crap.  I’m not supposed to say “shit” to you, am I, right?  Fuck.  DAMMIT, I did it again!  Forget both of those.  (AND DO NOT TRY ASKING MATRON BATTLEWAIL WHAT THE SECOND ONE MEANS.  THAT IS AN ORDER!!  Whew.)

Anyway, Gurtash, Mortimer DOES take a lot of time and attention, not that I really mind, but a little help on busy days or when I have to be away from Orgrimmar might be handy, come to think of it.  I’ll see about bringing you over to Grommash Hold for a visit and see if we can set something up…just watch the talons until he gets used to you!  Seriously.  Wyverns are cool and all, but until they decide they can trust you, they don’t take any crap from anyone.  If you do a good job with him, who knows, maybe next Winter’s Veil there might be a stray wyvern cub flapping around needing a home.  Who knows?

That’s it for today.  Tomorrow I’ll have a more newsy post up, since I know a lot of you are just waiting with bated breath to hear what my brilliant idea is about the Twilights.

Monday mailbag

Remind me not to do the Greatfather Winter thing for the orphanage again.  First of all, nobody tells you how damn uncomfortable that getup is.  Seriously, would it have killed them to find some material to make it from that DIDN’T feel like sandpaper?  And meanwhile…okay, some of the kids were fine.  A lot of them are pretty cute, and I suppose I should be generous what with it being the holidays, and their being orphans, and the fact that a pretty good chunk of them even got to be orphans in the first place because of battles I sent their parents off to fight in, but still!  OMG the SCREAMING from some of these brats!  On and on and on with the screaming and the screeching, and there were two of them who really took the cake, I don’t think they ever stopped going the whole time, till eventually I started calling them Dontrag and Utvoch Jrs. in my head.

Anyway, that’s done, so hopefully it will get Eitrigg off my back about his community service kick for a while.

Now for the mail.  Just one letter this time, but it’s a doozy.

 

To Garrosh Hellscream, Warchief of the Horde:

I wish to congratulate you on behalf of everyone at D.E.H.T.A. on your recent embrace of a healthier – and far more ethical – lifestyle.  I admit, I had nearly given you up as a lost cause, so imagine my surprise and delight upon being informed that you have seen the error of your ways and publicly committed to eliminating meat from your diet!  We at D.E.H.T.A. are all very proud of you.

To show our support of your decision, we have compiled a care package (which you shall find on the kodo caravan accompanying this letter).  It’s nothing too extravagant, just a selection of delicious fruits, vegetables, nuts and legumes from every region in Azeroth, a sampler of 25 different types of tofu, as well as several cases of exotic spices.  To further assist you I have also enclosed a complimentary autographed copy of my (now sadly out of print) cookbook Sustenance Without Suffering – 519 Delectable Vegan Recipes Guaranteed to Tickle Your Tongue While Soothing Your Conscience, as well as my (likewise out of print) companion guide From the Field to Your Face – The Complete Buyer’s Guide to Azerothian Agriculture Including Detailed Information About What to Buy, When to Buy it, and From Whom.  (Unfortunately I haven’t had a chance to update the second book post-Cataclysm, so be careful about ordering produce from non-existent locations.)

In addition, we would like to grudgingly commend you for your various initiatives to improve the lot of the poor enslaved Wyvern taxis in your service.  Although true emancipation remains elusive, (and we will never be satisfied until it has been attained!), we have noticed that working conditions are better and rest breaks are more frequent.  Most notably, Mortimer appears content to remain in your service and assures us that your treatment of him has vastly improved.  (We remain skeptical on this point, but there is no arguing with him.  Seriously.  His claws are sharp!)

Finally, I would like to personally extend a metaphorical olive branch and issue an invitation for you to join D.E.H.T.A. for brunch in the Borean Tundra at your convenience.  We have many other agenda items regarding the care of Azeroth’s most vulnerable citizens (the animals) which we would like to discuss with you.  Also, certain rare edible lichens are just coming into season, but sadly they do not ship very well and we could not include them in your care package.  I promise it will be a taste experience you will not soon forget.

Sincerely,

Arch Druid Lathorius, D.E.H.T.A.

Hoo boy.

Okay, so first of all, let me tell you, when he says he’s sending a “care package” of fruits and vegetables and shit, he’s totally downplaying the fucking VOLUME of stuff.  Notice how he slipped in that little mention of a kodo caravan in parentheses there, like it was just a side note?  Yeah.  You would not BELIEVE the size of this fucking caravan.  They started marching on into Orgrimmar, and by the time the chain of them had gotten from the front gate up to Grommash Hold, and started circling around, they weren’t even halfway done.  Eventually while I was watching them come in, I started looking around in the sky for fucking Nozdormu, because I thought there HAD to be some kind of time-loop gag going on.  I swear, the last two kodos in the line probably met for the first time when they were first setting up the caravan, and in the time it took all of them to march into town, those last two kodos got married, had two kids, raised them, sent them to college, welcomed them back, and hooked them up in the family business of carrying fucking arugula to Garrosh, before retiring and wandering off to find the Kodo Graveyard.  THAT FUCKING BIG OF A CARAVAN.

I seriously don’t know what I’m going to do with all this shit.  I’m looking around the war room right now and it looks like a fucking farmer’s market.  The only good thing to come out of this is that now, FINALLY, I have something new to keep Marogg busy with.  I’m having him come in and just go to town, and with any luck he’ll be able to crank out a bunch of new recipes to put on sale, so maybe those Orgrimmar cooking awards might finally be worth something again.  (And I’m going to be WATCHING your ass this time, stupid meddling recipe-stealing tree!)

Of course, none of this even TOUCHES the fact that Lather-on-us has some really…um…iffy reading skills.  If you look back at the mailbag he’s apparently referring to, the letter from Jaina…um…yeah.  Dude needs to train up [Sarcasm Detection], because…

Hold on.  You know what, forget it.  I’m not going to straighten him out.  If he thinks I’ve gone all granola-crunchy, maybe he’ll be a little less of a headache.  No more of the stupid protests and letter-writing campaigns (by the by, when he gets on one of those, let me tell you, that’s a whole OTHER kodo caravan delivering all the other latters…although it’s also kind of sad when you actually look at the letters and it only really looks like there are like four different people’s handwriting, so…).  So yeah.  Let me just let the baby have his bottle, maybe go up to Northrend some weekend and choke down a salad, and make my life a little easier, at least until he figures out what a fucking idiot he is.

 

So, one last mail-related note before we finish up here.  A couple weeks ago I mentioned in a post about Magatha Grimtotem that I had once written to her and explained part of the reason I was (still am) so enraged over her meddling with my duel with Cairne.  I’ve gotten a couple passing inquiries about that, so I thought people might want a peek at what I’d said.  This was the letter I sent her shortly after the duel – she and her Grimtotem stooges were trying to stage a takeover in Thunder Bluff, and for some asinine reason she actually thought I would be GRATEFUL to her for robbing me of my honor, and wrote to me asking for help against Baine’s forces.  And so:

 

Unto Elder Crone Magatha of the Grimtotem,
Acting Warchief of the Horde, Garrosh Hellscream,
Sends his most sincere wishes for a slow and painful death.

It has come to my attention that you have deprived me of a rightful kill.  Cairne Bloodhoof was a hero to the Horde and an honorable member of a usually honorable race.  It is with disgust and anger that I discover you have caused me to bring about his death through accidental treachery.

Such tactics may work well for your renegade, honorless tribe and Alliance scum, but I despise them.  It was my wish to fight Cairne fairly, and win or lose by my own skill or lack of it.  Now I shall never know, and the cry of traitor will dog my steps until such time as I can sport your head on a pike and point to you as the real traitor.

So…no.  I will not be sending any truehearted orcs to fight alongside your treacherous, belly-crawling tribe.  Your victory or your defeat is in the hands of your Earth Mother now.  Either way, I look forward to hearing of your demise.

You are on your own, Magatha, as friendless and disliked as you have ever been.  Perhaps more.  Enjoy your loneliness.

So there you have it.

Anyway, we’ll be getting back to business this week.  Mokvar’s got the transcript from Skarr’s interrogation written up, so I’ll be posting that for you all tomorrow, and we’ll have plenty to do this week in the aftermath.

Meanwhile, Mortimer’s still nursing a few injuries from his fight with the Razza last week, so he’s resting upstairs in his pen, and if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go heat up some soup for the furball.  More soon.

Happy Winter’s Veil

Just a quick note to all my loyal Horde citizens to commemorate the holiday season.  A happy Winter’s Veil to all of your!  And as for you Alliance who might see this, as a gift for you to the holidays, here, I pledge NOT to burn your cities to the ground and wipe you all from the face of the world this week.  See?  Whoever said I don’t have holiday spirit.  No promises about next week, though — once the decorated trees come down, you’re all living on borrowed time, and it’s just a question of when I’ll show up in your lands and exterminate your armies and grind your leaders’ skulls to a fine mist and your fields will burn and your children will wail and your mother will bake me pie.

So happy holidays!  Now if you’ll pardon me, Eitrigg somehow roped me into volunteering to play Greatfather Winter for the Orgrimmar orphanage, so I need to go get into costume and head down there and hand out some crap.  See you all soon.

What to get the Warchief who has everything

So Garona and I had our interrogation of Skarr, which ended up being pretty productive, and Mokvar was on hand to record it.  He’s in the process of getting it transcribed for the blog, so you’ll see that soon.  In the meantime, though, I’m back in Orgrimmar for the height of the Winter’s Veil season.  So in the spirit of the holiday, I thought I’d take a break from all this serious averting-the-end-of-the-world stuff and write up a quick Winter’s Veil post or two.

A few days ago, @NavimieDruid from The Daily Frostwolf asked on Twitter, “What does a great warrior want from Greatfather Winter?”  I gave her a quick response, but the thought occurred to me that this might be a good question to take up in an actual post, now that the Winter’s Veil season is here.  So, here’s my wish list for this year – if Greatfather Winter really exists and is reading this, hey man, have at it…but anyone else planning to drop by Grommash Hold bearing gifts can feel free too:

• A new helm to replace the latest one that’s turned out to be a size too big (two red sockets plus a meta pl0x).

• Varian’s head on a pike.

• Magatha’s head on a pike.

• 40% fewer idiots in front of me.

• 70% fewer idiots behind me.

• Some adequate explanation as to why the idiots always seem to stack behind me.

• A new set of elementium grinding stones for sharpening Gorehowl.

• The OTHER fucking [Binding of the Windseeker].  (For real, Baron, do you NOT FUCKING UNDERSTAND that I will actually STOP KILLING YOU if you just give the damn thing up?)

• A Happy Fun Rock.

• A red, padded, embossed leather harness for Mortimer.

• A sled like the one I had as a kid during winters in Nagrand.  For the life of me I don’t know what happened to the original, but man do I miss it.  Bonus points if you can find one that has “Mageroyal” inscribed across the back like my old one.

• A firm answer from the goblin contractors on when the Orgrimmar construction work will be done.  Seriously, you guys, it’s been over a fucking year now.