Ut’s on first, Tak’s on second

Things have been pretty quiet the last few days here at Domination Point.  We’ve had scouting parties scouring Pandaria for the tomb where the mogu hid the Divine Bell, but no word yet, so we’ve mostly been biding our time here at the base and slapping around some Alliance when the opportunity has presented itself.  After one such fun-filled opportunity, I got back to the base just in time for the latest wave of troop arrivals from Kalimdor.  According to Captain Drok, Garona came along for the trip this time and apparently has some news she needs to update me on – I guess she was over at the barracks getting settled in when I first got back, so I didn’t have a chance to talk to her right away.  (Oh the tragedy.)

Also among the arrivals…  <sigh>  Well…you remember that kitty druid with the…creative spelling patterns, who wrote in for a few mailbags a while ago, wanting to take over for Mokvar as my scribe?  Taktani?  Yeah…well…

* Taktani first wrote to Garrosh here, then again some weeks later.  And again.  Finally, after word of the post-Mokvar opening reached her, she inquired (with big, hopeful eyes, one can only assume) about taking over as the Warchief’s personal scribe.

Hopefully, between Gurtash and the Wonder Twins, they’ll at least be able to get Taktani’s spelling squared away enough that the transcripts won’t be too painful to read.  If not, well, Mokvar better hurry up and get his head straightened out and his ass down here to get back to work.

Anyway… I need to go see if Garona has calmed the fuck down so I can find out what this big news is that she came down here to report.

More soon.

Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge: EPIC VERSE live blog

Those of you who were reading the blog last year at this time will remember Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge – when, in honor of National Poetry Month, I called upon my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS to give me suggestions for a whole slew of EPIC VERSE masterpieces.  You all stepped up to the plate (well, those of you who were here at the time…and for those of you who weren’t, WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?), and we had a month full of EPIC VERSE goodness.

This year, as I announced a couple weeks ago, I’m continuing the Poetry Challenge tradition with a live blog.  Yes, that’s right, it’s the SECOND ANNUAL Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge – sure to be an annual tradition for years and years to come.

For tonight’s lyrical explosion of spontaneous awesomeness, I’m once again calling on you all to inspire your Warchief.  Here’s how this is going to work: when this post goes live, you’re all invited to use the comments to post your ideas and suggestions – you can give topics, themes, characters, turns of phrase, ANYTHING you think might make for a good starting point to give me ideas for what I’m going to write.  (Try to keep your suggestions here in the comments, rather than Twitter/Facebook/wherever, so your fellow readers and I can see them all in one place.)

Starting at 8:00 PM EDT, I’ll begin the live blog by adding to this post.  At that point, I’ll start composing a new EPIC VERSE masterpiece (or masterpieces?) based on the suggestions you’ve given.  Feel free to keep offering new ideas as we go along – I might incorporate new suggestions into the poem I’m writing, or maybe use them for ANOTHER new poem before the night is out.  We’ll just see how it goes.  In any case…once the live blog has started, keep refreshing this page.  I’ll be adding to the post incrementally as I write, and you’ll get to watch your Warchief’s latest EPIC VERSE composed right before your eyes, in progress.

Kind of like getting to see how the sausage gets made.  If the sausage was made from the ground meat of the SUPER AWESOME UBER-BEAST RAISED IN THE PARADISE FIELDS OF GENIUS AND FED A STEADY DIET OF SOLIDIFIED PERFECTION AND BADASSERY.

*  *  *  *  *

Okay, kids, the show’s about to begin.  I’m going to take a moment and take a look at what we’ve got for suggestions so far, and maybe give the latecomers a minute or two to get their initial suggestions in before I get rolling.  Keep the ideas coming as we go, and I may still work them in as I’m able…

Remember, keep refreshing this page to watch the live blog unfold in progress.

*  *  *  *  *

The Dontrag and the Utvoch came
To celebrate the season,
And brought such pain to any brain
Imbued with any reason.

The Dontrag and the Utvoch asked
The Warchief for permission
To undertake — for sure, half-baked –
A Noblegarden mission.

The Dontrag and the Utvoch told
The Warchief of their plan:
To gather eggs from hopping legs
That bounced around the land.

The Warchief, for his part, approved,
And told them to proceed.
(He thought, of course, the only source
For this could be felweed.)

The Dontrag and the Utvoch ran
Across the Four-Winds Valley,
And high and low sought eggs to go
Into their final tally.

Then near a burrow, D&U
Saw wrigglin’ and squirmin’,
When to the ground, with mighty bound
Leapt out a giant virmen.

The Dontrag cried, “Move fast, Utvoch!
Don’t let it run off!  Grab it!”
For sure, he thought, they had just caught
The Noblegarden Rabbit.

The Dontrag and the Utvoch pounced
And lunged with all their might –
Though in no story was their quarry
Such a daunting height.

They found the Rabbit’s fury one
That not a one surpasses,
So by the end, their hoppy friend
Had badly kicked their asses.

The Warchief, when the pair returned,
Was unsure, sad or funny,
Which best to say, to know that they’d
Been beat on by a bunny.

The Dontrag and the Utvoch mused,
“At least we didn’t die.”
And down they sat on asses fat
And dined on humble pie.

EPIC V—

That was weak.

…

The FUCK?  Who the hell is this?!

What, you still don’t recognize me, Hellscream?  I thought you were good at spotting me online now.

Wait, don’t tell me this is—  Hang on.

SPAZZLE!

What’s up, boss?

The likelihood of me drop-kicking your green ass back to the Lost Isles, for starters.

That’s it.  Throw another hissy fit and alienate even more of your own people.  That’s a formula for success.

Oh…oh no.  Don’t tell me Varian broke into the blog again.

OH I’M TELLING YOU EXACTLY THAT, MOTHERFUCKER

Have you considered anger management classes, by the way?

What the hell happened to the SECURITY thingywhatsises you were supposedly building into the blog, like, FOREVER ago?

Ugh.  It must be that wireless connection you have down there.  I TOLD you Grizzle didn’t know how to set up a reliable network above the level of aluminum cans and some string.

Goddammit.  Well try to get him out of here, will you?  I’ve got a live blog to do.

You mean this exhibition of fail?  Hah.  I couldn’t pass up the chance to look in a watch you make an even bigger jackass of yourself than usual.

Hey, don’t be jealous just because I actually know how to string a few words together, human.

Actually, you know what?  Go ahead and be jealous of that.  Also of all the fans I have, who’ve turned out to bask in the brilliance (BACK ME UP HERE, PEOPLE).  And, oh yeah, of how much smarter and better-looking and all-around more awesome I am.

Hellscream, I haven’t done any writing since I was a kid—

I notice you’re not counting your own blog there.

—but even I could do better than these dimwitted nursery rhymes you’re spewing out.

You know what, asshole?  YOU’RE ON.  Let’s see what you’ve got.

CUE THE AMBIGUOUSLY THIRD-PERSON LEAD-IN!

*  *  *  *  *

EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

GARROSH HELLSCREAM

VS.

VARIAN WRYNN

BEGIN!

*  *  *  *  *

Come on, bring it, Hellscream – hope you’re ready to lose.
I’m pretty sure a basic campfire could rhyme better than you.
I’m the king!  The boss!  I was born to rule!
Thrall took his Doomhammer and left the orcs with a tool.
While I was ruling orc arenas with my wolf-god-modding
You were a whiny emo bitch busy whining and sobbing.
I’ll crush you, Garrosh, and add it to our duel triple feature
’Cause I’m the High King – you’re just a substitute teacher.

I’ve got no time for your Alliance propaganda,
Gonna beat you down so hard you’re gonna think I’m a panda.
You’re facing Garrosh, Lo’gosh – I was put here to pwn ya.
My dad killed Mannoroth; yours got ganked by Garona.
So the Warchief will pour grief and settle some scores:
I’m taking the lok’tar, all the ogar is yours.
No “either/or” in the fate that you deserved:
Crushed beneath the Horde – AND the one getting served.

Sure, hide in daddy’s shadow – I knew you’d bring up Grom,
I don’t remember that he ever had to use a mana bomb.
You’re on your own now, worried yet?  ’Cause your lackeys you’re lackin’ –
You’re not getting bailed out now by your magnataur and kraken.
I’m coming with a gag order, I’ve had more than enough,
You’re so much talk, even your howling axe won’t ever shut up.
You’ve got a skull that’s all tiny, and your jaw’s extra large –
Between your mouth and your brain, I guess that shows who’s in charge.

You’re one to talk jaws, Chin-Boy, yours could carve out a mogu,
I’d call you Scarface but you’ve got no friends to say hello to.
Your scars and fail and ponytail – you’re like Lor’themar Lite.
I’ll bake your pride in lemon squares: here, swallow both in one bite.
You’re defensive, apprehensive; I’m offensive, gone berzerker –
I bet Tiffin cut you off, that’s why you had to screw your workers.
My rhymes are terse and yours are worse, so curse and next time go rehearse,
Now FUCK YOU, VARIAN – that’s

EPIC

fucking

VERSE

<drops mic and walks away like a boss>

…

*  *  *  *  *

WHO WON?

WHO’S NEXT?

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

 

[Thanks for coming, everyone.  More weirdness soon...]

Ask a stupid question

So, yeah, I know it’s been a while since I updated.  I ended up being really, REALLY busy on Earth Online for a while, so whenever I got done with all my dailies, I was too damn tired to worry about blogging.  The worst part of the grind is over now, though, so I should be able to be a little better about updating here.

So speaking of blog matters, there’s a site that some of you probably know about called Klout that tries to measure how influential people are online (to questionable degrees of success).  You get a score out of 100, and people can give you these kinda-sorta thumbs-ups for topics you’re supposedly an expert on.  And I guess they have some other ways of gauging topics where people consider you “influential.”

So for instance, the Klout people think I’m influential when it comes to blogging, poetry, and comedy.  (No word on why “kicking ass,” “being fucking awesome,” and “lemon squares” didn’t make this list.)  I don’t know where the comedy part comes from, unless they’re talking about the supporting cast I’m stuck with, and even then I’d consider them more of a tragedy than a comedy, personally.  But whatever, I guess that’s their point of view.  Comedy is the tragedy that happens to someone else, and tragedy is the comedy that happens to you.

Anyway, I recently got a notice from the Klout people that because of my expertise (damn right, show the proper respect, bitches), I was eligible to answer questions from other Klout users.  So when I opened up my page, I had a bunch of trial questions to answer, in Tweet-ish short answer form.  And so I figured, I can’t deprive you all of the wisdom I imparted here.  So here, copy-and-pasted directly from my submissions on the site…

 

How should I get started blogging?

First, find a goblin who has a lot of free time and tell him he’s going to set the site up for you because it would be a shame if there was a major fire in the Bilgewater slums.  No, you can’t have my goblin, get your own.  Then sit your ass down and start typing.  When you run out of ideas, stop.

 

Are there any blogging resources you would recommend?

Yes.  Again, you definitely want to have a tech goblin working for you who can set up the site and maintain it and explain nerdy technical shit like deleting.  Because the last thing you want is to get stuck having to sit at a computer all day.  Again, no, you can’t have mine.

 

Which blog host site do you prefer and why?

Not that one.  I hear it sucks.

 

What advice can you give someone who wants to make money blogging?

You can make money blogging?  That’s fucking news to me!  My only suggestion is that no matter how awesome your content is, you absolutely, positively cannot be drawing on somebody else’s intellectual property.  Then again, that would be pretty fucking lame in the first place, so, you know.

 

How can I tell if my content is funny?

Ask yourself this question: Do people laugh at you a lot?  If no, I have bad news for you.  If yes, ask yourself this follow-up question: When they laugh at you, were you trying to make them laugh?  If yes, you’re probably funny.  If no…well…hello, Utvoch.

 

What subject matter should I write my poetry about?

Well for one, you could write about how you don’t end a sentence with a preposition.  Whatever you do, don’t try writing poetry about telling Varian Wrynn to go fuck himself, because I’m telling you right now, I’ve got that shit covered.

 

Yes, I actually submitted all these.  Why do you ask?

I have not yet received a notification from the Klout people to thank me for my insight and confirm that my answers would be posted with all due haste.  But I’m guessing they’ve just been busy on Earth Online too and I’ll be hearing from them soon enough.

While I’ve got everyone’s attention, though, and while we’re on the subject of poetry, let me remind everyone that the Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge LIVE BLOG will be tomorrow night, April 14.  I’ll put up a setup post that evening asking for you all to give me suggestions for EPIC VERSE topics and themes, and start time for the live blog will be 8:00 PM EDT.  I’ll be composing a new EPIC VERSE masterpiece based on the suggestions you all make that night, and you’ll get to watch it being composed line by line, live and in person.  BE THERE OR BE PREPARED TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF TO YOUR GRANDCHILDREN YEARS FROM NOW WHEN THEY COME TO YOU LIKE “GRANDMA, WTF?!”

Timing is Everything

Hi, everyone.  This is Averry, making one of my rare appearances.

Since I’ve gotten a few inquiries about this, I thought I would make a blanket note here in the blog: Yes, I know I’m running way behind in-game events.  Yes, I know we’re a few weeks into patch 5.2, and the blog is still only midway through the Domination Offensive storyline from 5.1.  Yes, yes, I know.

Now, granted, the blog has always trailed a bit behind the game as a matter of necessity – I’ve always maintained that when new material comes out, I want to have time to play through and process it before I start trying to work it into the blog.  So there was never a chance that new content would be acknowledged here right away (well, other than foreshadowing).  But since it’s now bordering on the ridiculous, let’s just acknowledge it: the blog is pretty much unfolding under its own timetable.  Part of the reason is the comics (new one coming up soon-ish, by the way; Dontrag and Utvoch fans rejoice) — which are fun to make, but man, do they ever eat up time, so they’ve led to some longer gaps between posts than I would like.  Another part is, obviously, the side stories I’ve been working into the Domination Offensive thread, not to mention the Mokvar story that’s been running simultaneously.

If anything, I’m grateful that people seem to have been sticking with me through all of this.  To make everything a little easier to follow, I’ve added entries to the Major Storylines page for both the Domination Offensive events and Mokvar’s story (the latter being a story that really has to develop slowly).  I’ll try to keep those pages updated as the stories unfold.  In the meantime, I can only ask that people continue to trust that there’s a reason why I’m not just banging out the Domination storyline in a week’s worth of posts, and that all the peripheral material is actually leading somewhere.  It just…may not necessarily lead there as quickly as the patch releases might dictate.  My hope is that after I finish with 5.1 (someday!), I’ll be able to make up a little time, since the 5.2 content isn’t particularly Garrosh-heavy, but even then, there will be some 5.1 fallout to deal with.  (Not least of all being a surprise set off by the purge of Dalaran – that’s right, there’s your teaser!)  All of which will probably keep me busy until 5.3 has been out for months…hoo boy.

This all may or may not be part of a devious plot to delay the Warchief’s eventual fate while I milk more time to spin my strange variety of yarns.  Draw your own conclusions…

Be seeing you,

Averry

Thinking outside the box, coloring inside the lines

So, now that I’m no longer (mostly) dealing with the damn boss-level Pandaren flu, I can get back to a few things I’d been wanting to update you all on.  A few days ago, just before the last wave of ships arrived from Kalimdor (along with the always-delightful former chieftain of the Darkspear trolls), I noticed Gurtash on some down time doodling pictures of the base and some of the officers.  It got me thinking that maybe the kid could provide me with an outside-the-box way around my whole lack-of-a-scribe situation.

What’s that?  You don’t follow how Gurtash drawing could help me keep my transcription needs covered until Mokvar’s back on board?  Well here, have a look for yourself at the kid’s first practice project from the other day:

* Sylvanas baited D&U into asking Overlord Cliffwalker about this here.

Not bad.  I mean, it’s pretty doodly, and his proportions need work, and let’s face it, it doesn’t come anywhere near capturing my level of awesome, but to be fair, that would be too much to expect him to get on paper in one pass anyway.  Kid’s only fourteen, after all.  Overall, though…yeah, I’m thinking Gurtash may have found himself a new part-time job.

Spazzle Speaks: Guild Chat Edition

Hi, everyone.  Spazzle here.  Since Mokvar and I will be sharing blogging duties with Garrosh on his way to Pandaria, I’m taking my turn today updating everyone on what’s going on in Orgrimmar.

And/or Earth:

 

You have logged on.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Are you sure you’re not Utvoch, Dontrag?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  no i’m dontrag

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  i could swear we’ve talked about this before

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Because I feel fairly sure that you’re Dontrag, Utvoch.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Hey, Spaz.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  again?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  really?

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  hey

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I know, I know, but honestly, it just never gets old!  ^_^

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  i really dont think so

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  i’m utvoch, he’s dontrag

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Perhaps we should refer to a third party to resolve the disagreement?  Who is your commanding officer over in Kalimdor?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  cliffwalker

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  overlord cliffwalker

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Perhaps you should speak to him and ask him to confirm which of you is which.

[EdwardBear | Ji] has logged on.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  huh maybe

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  we dont need to do that, he’s jsut going to say what we’re telling you now

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  no not maybe ut UGH

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Hey Ji

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well you won’t know until you ask him, now will you?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  hi mokvar

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  you know maybe she has a point

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  i’ll go find him

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  no ut u idiot dont listen to her

[SteveKravitz | Utvoch] has logged off.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  oh dammit

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  feeling ok?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Yeah, I’m fine.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Personally, that only supports my original point.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  what does

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  You are having entirely too much fun with this.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  That he left to find Overlord Cliffwalker just now.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  y

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I really am.  ^_^

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oh, watch this.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  b

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  what does b mean

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I believe B is the second letter of the alphabet.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  by the way, has garona been on lately?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Although, since Mokvar is the scribe here, perhaps you should confirm with him.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  i got one of those rooster pets she was trying to farm

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  no i know its a letter

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Huzzah, the spirit of literacy liveth!

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  what spirit

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  like a ghost or something

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  she IS the banshee queen

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  maybe it’s someone over in the undercity

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well well look at our quiet little webmaster coming out of his shell!  ^_^

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] 

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well I’ll see you and raise you…

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Edward, I don’t remember seeing Garona on for a couple days

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  It’s actually the nickname of the phantasm who’s our assistant inscription trainer here.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  She might just be logging on at odd hours.

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  maybe garrosh should have had them come audition for the temp scribe job

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oooh, trumped by the goblin!

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  i’m confused

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  And all is right with the world.

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  I’m showing nightengayle’s last login four days ago

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  um ok

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  no but like

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  ya i know b is a letter

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  but what did u say it for?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well, you said “y”.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  um ok

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  You did.  You can scroll up and check if you don’t believe me.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  oh ok … well hopefully i’ll catch her on soon to give it to her

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  I will bet you 1000 gold he’s scrolling up right now.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I said it supported my point that Dontrag left to go talk to Overlord Cliffwalker, and you said “y”.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  ya ok i see that

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  And so I said “b”.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  ya but how come?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well, I just assumed we were typing random letters.  Is that not how this works?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  oh

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  no that was y like in why

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oh.  Are your “w” and “h” keys not working?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Maybe Spazzle could have a look at them for you.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Ed, you could always just mail it to her for whenever she logs on, that was you don’t have to be watching for her.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  no my keyboard is ok

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  it saves time

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oh, were you in a hurry?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Are you going somewhere?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  To go find Overlord Cliffwalker, perhaps?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  oh wow really?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  there’s mail?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Do you craft this stuff beforehand or are you just making it up on the fly?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Because honestly, I’m not sure which one would make you more of a genius.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Um

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  yeah ed – you never noticed the post offices in each city?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Yeah there is.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  What’s sad is that there’s actually a whole extra layer to this that he’s never going to get to on his own.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oh… oh wow.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  no its just faster

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  haha yea

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  I mean, granted he’s very new to the game.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  That poor, poor, adorably clueless little bear…

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  i guess i never looked inside those to see what they were for

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Ah, I see.  Hurry up and wait.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  wait for what?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  yea but he’s level 27

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Yeah, Ed, if you go in there you can send things to other people in-game.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Just like in real life, only it takes a couple days rather than an hour to deliver, for some reason.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Perhaps for Dontrag to return and confirm that it is in fact you who is Utvoch.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  i’m not utvoch

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  So you say.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  ya so i say cuz i am

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  i mean i’m not

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  not utvoch

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I’ll go ahead and nudge him through; I don’t want to leave this other part on the shelf, and he’s never going to get to it by himself.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  But as I was saying, the fact that Dontrag went to talk to Overlord Cliffwalker just confirms that I’m right.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  y

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  q

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  g

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  w

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  i mean why

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] hey are u guys messing with me now

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  y would you think that?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Because, between Dontrag and Utvoch, Dontrag has always been the more circumspect, so if one of you were going to make the effort to seek confirmation on this question, it would be Dontrag.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  but i’m dontrag

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Then why aren’t you checking on this with Overlord Cliffwalker?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  If you -are- Dontrag, let me say in no uncertain terms, you’re being out-Dontragged.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  ok fine then

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  i’ll go ask him

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  and watch what he says

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  by the way, mokvar, did you still want to leave this afternoon

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I only wish I could be there with you when you ask him.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  ya me too

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  anyway whatever

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  If that works for you, Ed, sure.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  be back later

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  where are you guys going?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Goodbye, Utvoch.

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  later ut

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  no

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  See you later, Utvoch.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  ugh

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  fuck it

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  we’re going to take a trip to winterspring, spazzle

[GilbertRose | Dontrag] has logged off.

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  what are you going to be doing up there?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Not for anything, but we probably want to be more careful about using real names in guild chat anyway.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  You know, in case you-know-whos 1 or 2 come on.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  there’s a place called timbermaw hold

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  mokvar says there’s a race there that seems similar to the pandaren

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  I don’t know if it’s a case of “or”

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  I don’t think I’ve ever seen just one of them on

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  so he’s taking me to visit so i can see if we might have some common ancestry

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  oh yeah, the furbolg

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  True, Mokvar, although everyone seems to be fairly aware of it when Jaina and Kalecgos are around.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Oh, so they’re one of THOSE couples…

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  come to think of it

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  would you like to come?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  i think we’re stopping at a goblin town on the way, aren’t we, mokvar?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Everlook, yeah.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  so you know them up there, spazzle?

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  oh so all us goblins must know each other huh?

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  kinda racist

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  um

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  i mean

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  kidding

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  oh

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  whew

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Someone’s feeling lively today.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  I’m sure Spazzle’s got his own stuff to do anyway, Ed.

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  kind of a shame garrosh is missing out on the trip to timbermaw hold, though

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  because of the archbishop thing

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Oh yeah, that’s right.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Pardon?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  There’s some little-known technicality with the Timbermaw furbolgs.

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  whoever’s warchief, they consider an archbishop

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I’m…fairly sure I’m better off not knowing how that happened.

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  so yeah, he probably would have wanted to go

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Still, just as well I suppose.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Although it IS kind of a shame we have to miss seeing him in the funny hat.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  speaking of which, has anyone heard anything from garrosh yet?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Not me.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Nor I.  I would imagine he’s still in transit.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  They were saying a couple days’ trip, but I got the sense they were being optimistic about the weather.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  ah ok

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Let me check something, actually.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I will say, it’s been much quieter in guild chat since he’s been away.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Ed, when you came up from Pandaria, how long did the flight take?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  With a precipitous decrease in the amount of typing in caps.

[HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] has logged on.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  hi puff

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  And as if in response.  Well played, universe.

[Proudleslie | Jaina] has logged on.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  bartleby, it was a little under two days

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  hey honaleepuff

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  hey leslie

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  HELLO EVERYONE

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Ah, okay.  And that was flying.  By sea would be longer, I would figure.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  hi mbc

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Greetings, you two.  Your logins are getting more and more tightly timed.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  WE HAVE OUR COMPUTERS SET UP IN THE SAME ROOM NOW

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  flying from where?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  How charmingly codependent.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  pandaria

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  we were just trying to ballpark how long it takes to get there

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  oh wow small world

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  my friend is on his way there now

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oh really, Leslie?  Business or pleasure?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  business mostly lol

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  his son is down there too though so i guess he’s looking forward to meeting up

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  uh oh

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  am i guessing right?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Yeah.  And…oh no.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  How interesting, Leslie.  What’s his son doing down there, if I might inquire?  And whereabouts, as far as you’re aware?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  i’m not sure really

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  last i heard he was trying to work on his studies with some of the locals

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  How industrious.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I’m sure there’s much for him to learn there.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  lol if he doesnt get himself in to much trouble

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oh, what could he do there to get into trouble?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  hehe

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  anyway i get the feeling garrosh is going to want me doing some e-sleuthing when he hears about this

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  so i should get start working on something i can tell him

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  No, really.  Do you have any thoughts on possible examples?  I’m just curious about such things.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  See you later, Spaz.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  For my nephew, that is.

You have logged off.

 

Sure, fine, as far as informational blog posts go, this is kind of cheating.  At least I’m not subjecting everyone to bad poetry!

Guest Post: Furtive Father Winter

[Special guest post today, as part of Blog Azeroth's Furtive Father Winter gift exchange.  Today's post was provided by Akabeko of Red Cow Rise -- many thanks!  I'll be back with a final note from Mokvar after Akabeko's gem.  So now, without further ado...]

———

(On the Feast of Winter Veil, a grunt brings a brightly-wrapped box to the Warchief’s quarters. Inside are several letters, cards, and small gifts. A simple note is left on top of the whole festive affair.)

“Hey, Warchief. Do not open until Winter Veil! I rounded up all the gifts that arrived for you and put them together for easy transport on your trip. Happy Holidays. –Mokvar.”

On the back of the note, a card for one-month’s worth of Earth Online game time has been attached, with a note saying, “For when you find a stable wifi connection in Pandaria!”

The first card is printed on very thick, expensive paper and depicts the ruins of Lordaeron blanketed in snow. Somehow, this makes them look even bleaker and more terrifying, rather than peaceful. Inside, the card reads, “A very merry Feast of Winter Veil to my favorite Warchief. I wish you success in your siege of Pandaria and a Happy New Year.” It’s signed with an elaborate, flowing, nearly illegible “Sylvanas Windrunner.” The small package is wrapped in black paper and contains a miniature model of a plague thrower.

The next card is written in strong letters. The outside shows Greatfather Winter astride a comically large horse. Inside, it is in Common rather than Orcish. “Warchief Hellscream, I wish you an illustrious Winter Veil and a bright New Year. May fortune favor you in whichever endeavors you choose to undertake. May you be showered with the brightest of blessings and-“ (here, the handwriting appears to have been cut off, and finishes reluctantly) “-happy holidays from Tirion Fordring.” Below this, a different hand has written “and Eitrigg.”

Next is a postcard. One side has a standard greeting: “Happy Holidays!” in gold script. The back says, “…from Anger Management!” It has been signed by those who have attended sessions with the Warchief. Mylune has drawn tiny pawprints around her name.

On the next envelope, Mokvar has added a sticky note that says, “There wasn’t a return address on this one, so I’m not sure who it’s from! Maybe you’ll figure it out from the handwriting?” Inside is a card depicting the Silvermoon coat of arms. The note simply reads, “Merry Feast of Winter Veil from LOR’THEMAR THERON, REGENT LORD OF QUEL’THALAS.” There is also a small parchment with a sketch of his noble visage, just in case.

Below this is a handmade card from Garona. In fairly passable calligraphy, she has written “Happy Holidays, honorable Warchief.” There are faint smudges where the words “Let’s have dinner” have been erased. There is also a package wrapped in shiny red paper which contains a pair of soft wool fingerless gloves. Who knew Garona was so good with crafts?

The next card is smudged and crinkled. An unsteady hand has written “Merry Happy Winter Veil.” Below this are two messy signatures that might say “Dontrag” and “Utvoch.” It may have been written in crayon.

The final card bears the Alliance crest. The inside reads,

“Happy Holidays
From a superior king
Oh – FUCK YOU GARROSH”

———

Postscript from Mokvar:

I didn’t mention any of this when I originally delivered it to Garrosh a few days ago, just becuase…well…after he saw that last one, it seemed like a good idea to wait a little while till after he’d left town before anyone brought it up again.  When I was assembling the package, I remember giving Ben-Lin Cloudstider, the anger management counselor, a peek at the card from Varian there…and her replying, “I see.  I will clear my calendar for the next few weeks, then.”

Ragequitters never win

You have logged on.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  well that’s the problem with arcane, though.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  for me anyway.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  how you u mean?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  hi pwn

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Hey, boss.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Hey everyone

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  well basically it’s just that since the magic isn’t strictly -alive-, it doesn’t read tone very well.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  ?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  hi pwn

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  so i have to be careful what i say, because the magic tends to take sarcasm literally.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  well i mean, why wouldnt it?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  What did I just walk in on?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Or do I not want to know?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  This one is pretty harmless.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Edwin and Jaina are deep into magic shop talk.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Ah

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  how are you doing, pwn?

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  well i tend to rely pretty heavily on sarcasm in my day-to-day communication.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Doing okay, gayle

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  hello omgipwnedurface.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  yeah, pretty much any time he says something, you want to picture him rolling his eyes

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  good to see you as always.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  see, case in point.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  oh lol

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  well that might be hard since i dont know what u look like

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  probably just as well.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  i haven’t aged well.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  lol its ok i like older guys =)

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  oh i remember that phase

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  HEY NOW

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  NO FLIRTING WITH OTHER MEN!

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  lol dont worry sweetie

[Lorthemar] has logged on.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  hi lorthemar

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  JUST KIDDING

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  I KNOW YOU’RE NOT LIKE THAT LOL

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Greetings, all.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Wow…you know, part of me wants to make a Jaina joke there

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  but mostly I’m just thinking…that poor dragon

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Hey, Lorthemar.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  hi lor

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  I still say scalies just creep me out.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  are you new in the guild?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  No.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  sigh

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Why does everyone keep asking me that?  I’ve been in the guild for months.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  oh ok

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I don’t understand why people can’t remember who I am.

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] has earned the achievement [Q’est-ce Que C’est]

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] has earned the achievement [United Nations]!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  grats BQ!

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  grats

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Congratulations!

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Thank you, all.  ^_^

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Wait, you got the United Nations achievement?

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  unless the game ui is trying to pull a fast one on you.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Indeed!

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Exalted with EVERY national faction?  HOW?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Admittedly, that last rep grind was particularly onerous.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Which one?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  France.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh geez yeah

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  The French don’t like anybody

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Not so; they’re quite fond of me now.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh actually, let me take care of this while I’m thinking of it

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  What’s that?

[EdwardBear | Ji] has joined the guild.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  welcome!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  welcome ed

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Who’s this now?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Ji Firepaw

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  He overheard me talking about the game with Spazzle a couple days ago and got curious

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Ah…well this should be entertaining.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  How are the new pandaren recruits working out so far, Warchief?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Eh…sort of a mixed bag

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  They mean well, but…I don’t know.  We’ll see

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  brb

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Welcome to the guild!

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  So I’m guessing he’s REALLY newbish.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, he’s going to be pretty green

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Speaking of which

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  he seems quiet.

[GilbertRose | Dontrag] has logged on.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  hi gil

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Edward, type /g to talk in guild chat

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Hello, Utvoch.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  can you see this?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  ah there we are

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  no this is dontrag

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Welcome aboard, Ed.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Greetings, Edward.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Is this your first time logging onto Earth Online in general?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  And, are you sure, Utvoch?  I could swear you were Utvoch, Dontrag.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  no, i logged on for a little while last night

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  it looks fun

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  yes i’m sure

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Oh, so this is your first Earth Online character?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  we’ve talked about this before

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  yes

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well if you’re so sure about it, I don’t see why we would have had to discuss it repeatedly.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  But if you insist, I suppose I’ll take your word on being Dontrag, Utvoch.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  A double welcome to you, then!

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  thank you

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  ok good

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  are you new too?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You really love messing with him, don’t you?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Why yes.  Yes I do.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Whichever one of them he actually is.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  sigh

[Guild][Lorthemar]  No, I’m not.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Can you blame me, really?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I’m not new.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  are you sure your not new lor?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  i dont think i’ve seen you on before

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Yes I’m sure.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I’m not new, for the hundredth time.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  well of course you’re not new for the hundredth time.  that wouldn’t be new.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  you can only be new once.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  …

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  what class are you playing ed?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Just say the word if you need any help with anything, Edward.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  I know some things can be a little confusing at first.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  a farmer

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Hmm, I’ve never played one of those.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  they don’t really sound too exciting to play

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh hey, I’ve got my Refer-a-Friend pet now

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  What kind?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You should have gotten one too, Edward

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  A dog

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  don’t you already have one?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  how do i get it?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, but the RAF is a random draw from a bunch of breeds

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  There are a lot of different breeds.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  You already have it, Edward.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So for instance, this one I just got is a cocker spaniel

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  If you go to the bottom of your screen, you can open your pet catalog.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  omg i love the new pet sparring!

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  ok

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  oh there it is

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  what kind did you get?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  how can i see the details?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Right click on it.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  anyway we should get going, we have lunch plans

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  bye leslie

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Eat well!

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  BYE EVERYONE

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  byeeeee

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  ok i think i see it now

[Proudleslie | Jaina] has logged off.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  What’s the verdict?

[HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] has logged off.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  it says it’s called a poodle

[Guild][Lorthemar]  You can name it, too, if you want to.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Those are those fru-fru looking dogs, right?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  they’re supposed to be smart

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  how do i do that?

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  you mean they make good spellcasters?  or the coders gave them a slightly less nonsensical AI?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Right click again, then pick “rename.”

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  ok

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  thank you

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  No problem.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  By the way, Garrosh, did you ever end up talking to the orphanage about Gurtash?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, I put out a few feelers

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Gurtash is that orphan boy who’s been helping take care of the Warchief’s wyvern?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Yeah.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Garrosh was thinking of maybe seeing about adopting him.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  ok done

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  done what?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  That’s…that’s remarkable.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Right now Battlewail has me in a holding pattern.  Something about questions about my temperament

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  i named the pet

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  oh nice

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  A preposterous dispersion against your character, Warchief.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So there’s some meeting they want me to go to with Social Services later this week

[SteveKravitz | Utvoch] has logged on.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  hi steve

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  hey

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Hang on…we have a Department of Social Services?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Who knew, right?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  That -had- to have been a Thrall program.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Yeah, I mean…where the hell have THEY been?

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  hi guys

[Guild][Lorthemar]  So what did you end up naming the pet, Edward?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Greetings, Steve!

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  i named her winnie

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, I know

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  sup man

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Not sure what the deal is with the meeting, but I guess some of the pandas are involved somehow

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Oh?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  after my aunt, jae win

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  she had similarly poofy hair

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  not too much

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, not too clear about any more than that

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh actually

[Guild][Lorthemar]  That works.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Winnie the poodle has a certain ring to it.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  thanks

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  oh hey who’s the new guy?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Hey Ji, quick question

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  i just joined the guild today

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  nice to meet you

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  no not you

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  yes warchief?  i mean guildmaster

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  i meant the other new guy

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  lorthemar

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You might know something about this

[Guild][Lorthemar]  ugh

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Okay, SERIOUSLY

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Enough is enough already.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  ?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Oh sure, “?” at me

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Well I’ll see your “?” and raise you a “!!!”

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Because I’m SICK AND TIRED of nobody around here ever knowing WHO THE HELL I AM

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Um, what’s this guy’s damage?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  So I’m going to explain this ONE MORE TIME

[Guild][Lorthemar]  SO GRAB A DAMN CRAYON TO WRITE IT DOWN THIS TIME

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I

[Guild][Lorthemar]  AM NOT

[Guild][Lorthemar]  NEW

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Is that CLEAR enough for you IDIOTS?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I HAVE BEEN IN THIS GODDAMN GUILD FOR MONTHS

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I CAN REMEMBER BEING ONLINE WHEN HALF YOU OTHER PEOPLE JOINED

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I’M NOT A RECRUIT, I’M NOT SOMEBODY’S COUSIN

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I AM LOR’THEMAR THERON, DAMMIT!

[Guild][Lorthemar]  REGENT LORD OF QUEL’THALAS

[Guild][Lorthemar]  It NOT HARD to remember that part

[Guild][Lorthemar]  LOOK

[Guild][Lorthemar]  <–

[Guild][Lorthemar]  SEE HOW THAT WORKS, YOU MOUTHBREATHING IDIOTS?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  “Lorthemar”…IS LOR’THEMAR

[Guild][Lorthemar]  THAT’S ME

[Guild][Lorthemar]  LOR’THEMAR FUCKING THERON

[Guild][Lorthemar]  RULER OF THE BLOOD ELVES

[Guild][Lorthemar]  ME

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  oh hi, lorthemar.  welcome to the guild.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  did you just join?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  sdfghliuhurtyhweuirthlidrhglsdajghfljksdhg

[Guild][Lorthemar]  THAT DOES IT THE HELL WITH YOU ALL

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  um no prof he just said he’s been in the guild a while

[Lorthemar] has logged off.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  well what crawled up his ass?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  He’s a blood elf.  Who knows

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  um

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  people don’t usually get that upset about this game, do they?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Um, well…

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  your naivete is adorable.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Quick pointer, Ji…don’t queue for any battlegrounds.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  or dungeons

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Or pay attention to trade chat when you’re in the major cities.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  and while you’re at it you might just want to uninstall the whole game right now and cancel your internet service.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  oh.  um.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  i guess i’ll go back to leveling

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Where in the world are you?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  orgrimmar

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  No, I mean, where in the game?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  But like I was starting to say like ten minutes ago

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  i just got sent to a region called siberia

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Do you know anything about these meetings your panda friends are working on for Social Services, Ji?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  a little bit, yes sir

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  the orphan matron suggested i arrange for some of my people to help

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  since pandaren culture places great value on being centered and grounded emotionally

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, you guys do seem very even keel

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  we try to be, yes sir

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  so a few of my people are helping hold some sessions on some of our methods and principles

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  particularly for controlling anger

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  …

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So ANOTHER one basically telling me I have a temper?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  see i TOLD you you needed to work on not being angry all the time

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  YOU stay out of this

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  oh hey

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  well clearly i’m not the only one thinking it!

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Clearly a sign of their failure to appreciate the pressures and stresses that come with the laudable work you do day in and day out.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  When you’re not playing video games or blogging.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  i was going around fighting a few things for xp, when these mobster npcs attacked me and ran off

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  and now i have things missing from my inventory

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  oh those russian mob guys are nasty

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  You said you were in Siberia?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay, so I think I need to go do some checking on this

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I’ll be back

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  yes

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Yeah, you have to watch for that.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  In Soviet Russia, mobs farm you.

You have logged off.

Invasion incoming

In light of the reports coming in from both Nazgrim and Krog from Pandaria, I decided we need to step up preparations for a full-scale military operation there.  Nazgrim’s been holding his own reasonably well under the circumstances…well, he WAS until this last report, anyway, and then…well, you know.  Point is, he’s been trying to keep it together down there, but it’s about time we gave our general an honest-to-goodness army to work with.

So, earlier today I held a strategy session to make plans to send a full invasion force to Pandaria.  We had the usual suspects there — Eitrigg, Malkorok, Mokvar to take notes.  Malkorok had his lieutenant Rak’gor Bloodrazor sit in for the planning.  Plus…an extra unexpected attendee, who…well, you’ll see.

Cut to the transcript.

 

GARROSH:  First, a status update.  The latest from Nazgrim is that he and his people are licking their wounds from a major battle with the Alliance forces down there.  They’ve moved from the Jade Forest to a town in the northern mountains while they recover.  Most of them, anyway.

EITRIGG:  Are Nazgrim and his team all right?

GARROSH:  Scratched up but still kicking, from what I gather.  Always hard to tell with Nazgrim — he’ll never let on if he’s really hurt.  You know him.

MALKOROK:  I assume our forces were victorious against the Alliance dogs, as they’re alive to tell the tale?

GARROSH:  Not so much.  The battle was basically a stalemate.

MALKOROK:  You mean to say, Warchief, that that fool Nazgrim failed not only to defeat a depleted Alliance force, but even to go down fighting like an orc?  And now he has the audacity to report this disgrace from the comfort of some remote bed while he nurses his wounds like a human?

EITRIGG:  Considering what Nazgrim seems to have had to work with…

MALKOROK:  And now you defend his incompetence, old man?

GARROSH:  Well hey, look, Malkorok.  Believe me, I’m all for being tough on the troops and all that, but to be fair, Nazgrim DID lose most of his actual Horde soldiers in the crash of the Hellscream’s Fist.

MALKOROK:  And proceeded to offset those losses by recruiting from among the locals, did he not?

GARROSH:  Yeah, but look at the locals.  I mean, dude, you know how I’m always saying it’s like I’ve got a bunch of trained monkeys working for me?  <scans around the room>  No offense.  But yeah, Nazgrim?  LITERALLY had a bunch of trained monkeys to work with.

MALKOROK:  What about the Alliance?

GARROSH:  What about them?

MALKOROK:  The Alliance reportedly took heavy losses and drew support from the natives as well.  Who did they have fighting for them?

EITRIGG:  <scanning notes>  I think Krog included something about this in one of his reports…

GARROSH:  Something with a “J,” I think.

MOKVAR:  Jinyu.

GARROSH:  Yeah, that’s it, jinyu.

MOKVAR:  <paging through reports>  Which…from the way Krog describes them…would be a race of…sort of…king-size murlocs.

GARROSH:  <blinks, then rubs forehead>  …The FUCK is Nazgrim doing down there?

MALKOROK:  You see?

EITRIGG:  Do we know anything else about the battle with the Alliance?  I will grant, it doesn’t sound like Nazgrim to flee the battlefield…

GARROSH:  Nazgrim’s report was pretty sketchy on the details there.  I’ve gotten some extra intel from Krog to fill it out some, though.  Looks like the battle between Nazgrim’s monkeys and the Alliance fish men…

Garrosh trails off, then stares into the distance for a moment.

EITRIGG:  Warchief?

MOKVAR:  Garrosh?

Garrosh shakes his head and pulls his attention back.

GARROSH:  Yeah.  Sorry.  I just heard myself saying that last part and had to take a minute to be sad.  Where was I?

MOKVAR:  Monkeys versus fish men.

GARROSH:  Yeah.  Monkeys versus fish men.  So according to— I mean seriously, doesn’t that sound like a bad videogame or something?

MOKVAR:  Just watch, if Spazzle isn’t coding that already, he will as soon as he reads this.

GARROSH:  I know, right?

EITRIGG:  Warchief…focus, please.

GARROSH:  Yeah, yeah, okay…  So…  <sighs>  …monkeys versus fish men.  Which I guess took place at the foot of this huge statue in a place called Serpent’s Heart.  From what I can gather, the battle was pretty even, which is kind of depressing  in itself, considering, when it was broken up by the arrival of this giant black monster.  Which basically wiped out both sides and left the survivors fucked up and scattrered.

MALKOROK:  What kind of monster could take out both armies?

GARROSH:  From what Krog reported, it…

Vol’jin enters.

Hang on.  What are YOU doing here, troll?

VOL’JIN:  I heard dere was a meetin’ going’ on, mon.  I figured mah invitation musta got lost in da mail.

GARROSH:  Uh, yeah, as if I would have sent YOU an invitation for these planning sessions…

VOL’JIN:  Ya see now, mon?  Ya be tinkin’ a me as such a good friend, I don’ even be needin’ an invitation!  Dat’s why everybody loves ya, mon.

GARROSH:  <rubbing forehead>  What.  Do you WANT.  Vol’jin?

VOL’JIN:  I hear ya be plannin’ an invasion in Pandaria, mon, and I be here ta keep an eye on what ya be doin’.

GARROSH:  Keep an eye on me?  I don’t answer to you, troll, nor do I have to EXPLAIN myself to you, so if you’re here to make life difficult, you can just head back to your island now.

VOL’JIN:  I be da leader of da Darkspear, mon, an’ I got a right ta know what da Horde be doin’.

MALKOROK:  You know I can easily take care of—

GARROSH:  Not now, Malkorok.  <grumbles>  Fine.  You can sit in, Vol’jin.  TRY not to make yourself into too much of a toothache.

VOL’JIN:  Oh don’cha be worryin’ ’bout me, mon.  Ya won’t even know I be here.  It’ll be like I be invisible.

Garrosh stares at Vol’jin for a long moment, then exchanges several pensive glances with Eitrigg and Mokvar.  He looks back to Vol’jin again and eyes him for another moment.

GARROSH:  Okay, well—

VOL’JIN:  Like da Lich King’s horse!

GARROSH:  Just SIT DOWN and SHUT UP, Vol’jin.

VOL’JIN:  Sure, mon.

Vol’jin takes a seat at the conference table next to Malkorok.  Malkorok glances at him and sneers; Vol’jin answers with an exaggerated grin.

GARROSH:  So as I was saying, like an hour ago…about the creature at Serpent’s Heart.  Apparently it was something the pandas call a “sha” — sort of a demon that feeds off of powerful emotions.

VOL’JIN:  <eyes narrow>  You don’ say, mon…

MALKOROK:  Hmm…interesting…  I wonder if our warlocks could influence these sha.  If they’re strong enough to take down two armies, they could be a powerful resource if harnessed…

VOL’JIN:  Dat be some bad mojo ya talkin’ ’bout, mon.

MALKOROK:  I thought you were going to be quiet, troll.

MOKVAR:  He’s right, though — these sha don’t sound like something we want to risk meddling with.

EITRIGG:  As it stands, I’m already troubled enough by some reports I’ve seen of demonic summoning by some of the initial fleet…

MOKVAR:  Wait, seriously?

MALKOROK:  You two would have our warlocks not avail themselves of all the power at their disposal for the benefit of the Horde?

MOKVAR:  Didn’t “our warlocks” get themselves into enough trouble already “availing” themselves of demonic power?

MALKOROK:  Yes, let’s have the scribe lecture us on the proper conduct of warlocks.

MOKVAR:  I used to be a warlock.

MALKOROK:  Oh, that’s right, you were, weren’t you?  Then by all means continue, scribe.  Tell us more about the evils of seeking power through demonology.

Mokvar looks back to his notes awkwardly.

GARROSH:  Look, the fact is, Nazgrim doesn’t have the people or the resources to establish a strong Horde presence in Pandaria or prevent the Alliance from doing the same.  I already have ships being prepared for a large-scale incursion.  The southern coast of Pandaria has a few locations that sound like they’d be well-suited for a base.  We can scout a specific spot while we finish gathering troops and equipment for the trip.

EITRIGG:  Grizzle Gearslip of the Bilgewater goblins says the construction team should have siege engines ready within a week or so.

GARROSH:  Well tell me this — when he says “a week or so,” does he mean a WEEK OR SO “week or so,” or is this a maybe-in-your-lifetime “week or so” like when those goblins “week or so”-ed their estimate on rebuilding the Orgrimmar ramparts after the Cataclysm?  Which they STILL haven’t finished two years later, by the way.

VOL’JIN:  So we be doin’ dis, eh mon?  Bringin’ da war to dis new land?

MALKOROK:  The war has already been brought, troll.  We now bring only victory.

GARROSH:  Once the equipment and siege engines are ready, it’s just a matter of lining up troop deployments.

MALKOROK:  Most able-bodied adults not otherwise committed to important duties have been conscripted for service, Warchief.  Rak’gor and I are in the process of assigning veteran supervisors to the new trainee program as well.

EITRIGG:  What trainee program is this?  I haven’t heard anything about it.

MALKOROK:  Nor would you.  It’s a Kor’kron program.

EITRIGG:  I didn’t realize the Kor’kron operated in secret now.  Has Saurfang adopted some new policy?

MALKOROK:  <visibly annoyed>  The program…is for recruiting and training of orcish youth for service to the Horde, as per the Warchief’d edict after the Northwatch Hold…events.

EITRIGG:  Orcish youth?  What age do you mean?

MALKOROK:  I shouldn’t need to tell you the traditional age of passage, old man.  Fourteen — the age a youth is fit to take a blade for the honor of his clan.

VOL’JIN:  By da spirits, mon, dey be children!

MALKOROK:  A boy is a man the day he can slay a foe in defense of home and kin, troll.  I wouldn’t expect you to understand such things.

VOL’JIN:  Yah, mon, I really don’ get out much.  Ya know, I don’ get invited to da cool kid parties.

GARROSH:  Can’t imagine why.

MALKOROK:  Nevertheless…don’t make it out as if the trainees are being handed swords and pushed blindly onto a battlefield — they are being trained and guided by some of our finest warriors.  If anything, this is an honor.

GARROSH:  Fourteen, though, huh?  I thought it was fifteen.

MALKOROK:  No, Warchief, fourteen.

GARROSH:  Are you certain?  I’m pretty sure it was always fifteen back in Nagrand.

MALKOROK:  No, sir.  I suppose that might have been a regional difference?

GARROSH:  Huh, okay.  Fourteen, then.

VOL’JIN:  I don’ be likin’ da sound a dis, mon.  Not one bit a it.  Draggin’ our war into other people’s lands, roundin’ up children ta make inta soldiers…

GARROSH:  Well imagine my surprise, Vol’jin.  Imagine my complete and total SHOCK to see YOU griping and complaining about what I’m doing.  You know, I might actually LISTEN to some of these objections of yours if you didn’t object to EVERY SINGLE THING I do.

VOL’JIN:  Maybe if ya listened once in a while before ya did dese tings, mon, ya wouldn’t have to listen to people complainin’ after ya did ‘em.

MALKOROK:  I don’t hear anyone complaining except for you, troll.  Other than that simpering tauren you usually have leading you by the nose.  I’m half surprised he’s not here as well.

VOL’JIN:  I drew da short straw, mon.

GARROSH:  All right, enough of this.  Both of you quiet down.  It’s settled — we’re moving ahead with the Pandaria plan and getting ready for a departure within the next few weeks.  And TROLL, get this into your head: this is happening.  And I have no intention of listening to you bellyache every step of the way.

VOL’JIN:  Don’cha worry ’bout dat, mon.  If dere be one ting I know by now, it’s dat you ain’t gonna listen.

GARROSH:  Damn right.  You’re finally getting it.  Okay then… I think that covers everything.  I have another meeting I need to get to in the Drag in a few.  For now, let’s get things rolling gathering materials and finalizing troop assignments for the invasion.  Oh, and Eitrigg?

EITRIGG:  Yes, sir?

GARROSH:  When we compile the final roster, for the love of the spirits, make sure Dontrag and Utvoch aren’t on the list.

EITRIGG:  Yes, sir.

GARROSH:  There are going to be enough potential headaches as it is on this mission — the last thing I’m going to need it THOSE two yammering in my ear.

VOL’JIN:  Oh, hey, mon…

GARROSH:  Oh for fuck’s sake… What now?

VOL’JIN:  You talkin’ bout dem two orcs who got to Orgrimmar late after da Theramore raid?

GARROSH:  Yeah, you know them?

VOL’JIN:  Yah, mon, dey came by da Echo Isles after dat.  Dey was getting deyselves all confused, mon.

GARROSH:  “Confused” has a short ramp-up time for them.

VOL’JIN:  No, but listen, mon — dey was like, “It be de Echo Isles, right?  Den how come we can’t hear an echo when we talk?”  An’ dey kep’ tryin’ ta yell stuff into da air to see if dey could get an echo!

GARROSH:  <chortles>  Oh…dude…that’s like the time I was saying something to them about Razorfen Kraul, and they were like, “So do all the quillboar there crawl?  We thought they knew how to walk upright.  Is it some kind of a rule there?”

VOL’JIN:  <laughing>  Ya better not let dem go to da Howling Fjord, mon, dey might tink dey’re losing dey hearing ’cause dey don’ hear da howling!

GARROSH:  <chuckling>  Well hell, you should have seen them the first time they saw Thousand Needles.  “Are you sure it’s a thousand of them?  I only counted like 60.  Did we miss some?”

VOL’JIN:  <laughs more>  You shoulda told ’em we switched to da metric system, mon.

Garrosh guffaws, leaning against the table.  Vol’jin laughs heartily as well and wipes a tear from one eye.  After another moment spent laughing, Garrosh and Vol’jin look up at each other and both of their faces fade into uneasy expressions.

GARROSH:  <scowls>  Fucking troll.

VOL’JIN:  <aside, muttering>  Don’ blame me, mon, I voted for da basic campfire…

Garrosh and Vol’jin both get up and stomp out of the room in opposite directions.

Monday mailbag

Well, I asked for reports from the field, and as always, my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS stepped up to the plate and delivered.  There were a bunch of you who offered your scouting reports from Pandaria in the comments on my original post – I’d recommend having a look if you missed them, so you can see some of the early recon reports along with my responses – while some of you decided to write in to me directly.

So, let’s have at it.

This first one was actually posted as an open letter on Vanicus’ blog, which I’m reproducing here:

 

Dear Warchief,

You requested reports from the field in Pandaria. I have recently been on assignment in the southernmost part of the continent, in an area known as the Krasarang Wilds. It was there that I ran into a bipedal reptilian species known as the Saurok. I was fighting three of these creatures when, unbeknownst to me, a fourth unstealthed behind me. Suddenly this flying ball of fur and claws whipped past my head, and when I bested my opponents and turned around, this tiny windrider cub had attached himself to the Saurok’s face. Henceforth, he has followed me everywhere, and, given his bravery, loyalty, and ability to watch my back even at such a young age, I thought it appropriate to give him a worthy name. I have long been an admirer of your own Mortimer, and hope that mine will live up to the name.

 

F.Y.V.

–Crusader Vanicus, Krasarang Wilds

Okay, so you know what, Vanicus?  That’s just fantastic.  Glad to see you getting on board the wyverns-are-awesome bandwagon.  Believe me, you won’t regret keeping the little guy around.  If anything, he’s sure to provide you with heaps of entertainment when enemies underestimate him and then promptly find themselves getting WTFpwned.

One recommendation, though – make sure you’re diligent about keeping your food stored away somewhere he can’t get to it.  And do NOT underestimate the little furball when you’re sizing up “somewhere he can’t get to it.”  Those wyverns are RESOURCEFUL.  Seriously.  I’m at least 80% sure that a group of wyverns could cure cancer tomorrow if they thought there was a crate of fresh clefthoof steak in it for them.  And the last thing you need with ANY pet is for them to start getting fat, much less a pet whose calling card is the ability to FLY.

Side note, by the way – I’ve gotten a few notices on the Krasarang Wilds area.  Sounds like an interesting place, definitely worth keeping in mind for future operations.  It also seems like a fairly tropical area, which I have to say sounds kind of odd.  Follow along with me here: Pandaria is in the southern end of the ocean.  The Krasarang Wilds cover the southernmost part of the continent.  Which means that that zone should be relatively close to Azeroth’s south pole, so…you know…shouldn’t it be kind of COLD there?  Rather than all jungly and hospitable for cold-blooded reptilian races?

I mean, I would boggle more at the utter weirdness of Azerothian geography that it apparently gets WARMER as you go from the equator to the south pole, but then again, I hail from the shattered remains of a planet consisting of one big, flat chunk of rock that somehow still manages to maintain an atmosphere and gravitational field.  So, you know, who am I to criticize?

 

Dear Warchief,

I have begun my exploration of Pandaria as you requested.  I am currently focusing my attention on a region called the Valley of the Four Winds.  I must admit that my exploration has slowed down a lot here as the locals have offered me the chance to take up farming!  This was very new and exciting for me.  Having grown up in Silvermoon, I never had the chance to take up agriculture.  With all the mages, we would usually just conjure up our food.  You wouldn’t believe the difference it makes to have the fresh grown variety!

I would highly recommend paying a visit here when you have the chance, if only for the cuisine.  I’ve always been an amateur cook (I even made my EO character the chef class!) and I’m amazed by the variety of cooking styles here.  There are whole schools of recipes, like the wok, the grill, the steamer, etc.  I may need to get out of here before I get fat.

–Tandeleina, Halfhill

Oh come on now – you’re a blood elf, right?  Has a blood elf EVER gotten fat?  Or is that just because of the whole magic addiction thing?  Once you start using the Arcane Patch, does that put you in danger of putting on some pounds?

Anyway, Tandeleina, thanks for writing.  I guess it’ll be a good thing that our troops will be eating well once they get down there.  I can’t say I’m surprised that the pandas went all out developing different styles of cooking, considering how seriously they take their beer-brewing.  Eat, drink, and be merry, right?

Also, since you mentioned Earth Online, can I just say how MADDENING it is to level the cooking secondary profession there?  Maybe it’s different when it’s your actual character class, but those recipes are INSANE.  They use like ten times as many ingredients as anything in real life, and the process of cooking them is so ridiculously long and complicated.  I don’t know how ANYONE has the patience to level that shit up.

 

Greetings, Warchief:

I have spent most of my time in Pandaria studying the geology and mineralogy of this new continent.  I am pleased to report an unusually high concentration of a new metal ore in this region, (called “ghost iron” by the local residents).  Said ore contains a great number of high quality (and very beautiful) gems which are able to absorb and store an astonishing amount of magical essence — almost six and a half times more than the highest quality of gem previously known.  Day by day I continue my research in this area.  I believe my findings shall be most profitable.

However, this new continent may provide the solution to an even more desperate material concern: that of provisioning our armies and feeding our citizens.  I am no agricultural expert, but even I can tell that gaining control of the region known as the Valley of the Four Winds would solve this problem at a stroke.  Since words are insufficient to explain what I mean, I have enclosed a picture:

As you can see, this land is incredibly fertile and produces vegetables the size of which can scarcely be comprehended.  Local farmers attribute the size of their crops to the magical waters that pour into the valley.  I respectfully recommend further research into the properties of this water.

There are a few other oddities that might deserve further study.  For instance, I have no idea what to make of the flocks of flying turtles:

They seemed harmless enough… but one can never be too certain.  I noticed a mage running around near the turtles cackling maniacally, so perhaps the turtles have some detrimental effect on the mind?  So I killed them.  The turtles and the mage.  Just to be safe.

Finally, I hear that you are looking to procure new creatures for gladiatorial combat.  Might I recommend pitting some of the Pandarian virmen against some murlocs?

Respectfully Yours,

–Karalina, Valley of the Four Winds

Thanks for writing, Karalina, but man, what’s up with everybody thinking with their stomachs today?  Do you know Tandeleina?  Were you two roommates at Silvermoon University or something, and took on the freshman fifteen together?

So, on the plus side, HOLY CRAP them’s some huge vegetables.  On the down side…well, they’re frigging VEGETABLES.  Show me a magical, bottomless source of 800-pound slabs of bacon, and THEN I’ll be impressed.  Still, I suppose the giant rabbit food must be good for something.  Other than, you know, raising giant rabbits.  Or are you going to tell me they have those out there, too?  Point being, though, I suppose giant carrots and cabbages and such would probably be pretty handy to someone.  They’d probably go over like gangbunsters at the salad bars they have up in Silvermoon.  And they might actually make for a nice finishing touch over in the Valley of Spirits, come to think of it.  (You trolls wanted more food?  WELL HERE YOU GO, HAVE SOME MORE MOTHERFUCKING FOOD.)

Interesting about the water up there, though.  Definitely something to follow up on.  I may see about getting Faranell down there on assignment to do some alchemical research on the stuff.  You know, as soon as I can arrange for some supervision for him, to make sure he doesn’t default to old habits and next thing we know the whole valley is one giant orchard of 50-pound PlagueApples.  (I can just hear him now – “Well no, green apple is a very popular flavor these days.” “GREEN apple, Edwin, not fucking GREEN AND FUMING NOXIOUS VAPORS…”)

What are these “virmen” things, by the way?  Whatever they are, gotta admit, setting ANYTHING up to kill murlocs for my amusement is going to be a pretty easy sell.

 

This letter arrives on a very, very long scroll of parchment which is almost completely covered in drawings. The words of the letter are scattered almost randomly throughout the sketches of Kalimdor creatures, and the ink colors of both drawings and words span the entire rainbow. Surprisingly, the handwriting is rather legible, despite a few mirrored letters and shaky lines.

Deer Mr Warcheif Sir,

Mr U and Mr D hav bin very nice to me. They told me what you sed, and I hav sum ansers for you. I had cak becuz I askd for it, and becuz I wud hav made it myself if no one did for me. I sed so, and evryon ran around making cak for me. It was funni. I did meet Mr D to, but he dosnt lik me as much as Mr U dos. Mr U is trying to help me rite and spell bettr to. He helpd me find tings to do to. Iv helpd a lot of peeple now, and they all gav me munny and new armer. I also lerned how to fly! Mr U and Mr D are jellis, becuz I can turn into a burd and they cant. They cant fly unless they hav wind riders. Now that I can fly, Im a big drewd. I was going to com see you and ask if I can help you, but Mr U and Mr D told me that when they talk to you, they get hit and dont get to say what they want to say. I was skerd youd hit me too. So I wrot a lettr insted. Can I help you? Im a big drewd now, and I want to do things like Mr U and Mr D get to.

The letter is signed with an inky pawprint and the name “Taktani” in multicolored inks.

Oh boy.  Here we go again.  Hang on a second while I fire up the TranslationMaster 2000 for this.

TranslationMaster 2000
© Fizzletrinket Technologies
Your free trial period has expired.  Please register your paid copy and enter your registration code in the field below.

…The FUCK?!  Spazzle set up a fucking paid registration system for this thing?!  Since when has he been trying to milk money out of people with his little dorky side projects?  Oh yeah, I forgot, he’s a GOBLIN, so I guess the answer to that would be since fucking EVER.  I’ll have to remember to strangle a registration code out of him later.

Anyway, I think I can handle this one myself.  I hope.

Okay, so apparently she’s hanging around with Dontrag and Utvoch, which, you know, better her than me.

I did meet Mr D to, but he dosnt lik me as much as Mr U dos.

Holy freaking hell, I hope this is just the dumbass illiterate way she spells “like.”  Please, please, spirits help me, for the love of all that’s good and vengeful, tell me she means “like” here, because if it’s option B, I seriously don’t know if I’ll be able to live.

Mr U is trying to help me rite and spell bettr to.

Riddle me this, Rexxar: which is more horrifying, the idea of Utvoch TEACHING someone writing skills, or the fact that the student in question could probably legitimately use his help?

I’m pretty sure language itself just threw up in its mouth a little.

I also lerned how to fly! Mr U and Mr D are jellis, becuz I can turn into a burd and they cant. They cant fly unless they hav wind riders.

Hey now, go ahead and enjoy your damn druid flight form, but you watch what you say about windriders, little Miss Veal Chop on Wings.  We’ve already covered the wyvern pride in this mailbag.

I was going to com see you and ask if I can help you, but Mr U and Mr D told me that when they talk to you, they get hit and dont get to say what they want to say. I was skerd youd hit me too. So I wrot a lettr insted.

D&U have sadly misinformed you if they’ve led you to believe that continuing to send me these letters would DECREASE the chance of your getting smacked around.  I swear, between D&U’s talking and this chick’s writing, it’s like they’re coordinating to make sure they’ve got mental anguish for Garrosh covered across every medium.

Anyway, though…since it seems like you really do want to help, and you’ve cleared out all the busywork in Kalimdor…  Why don’t you drop by the Dark Portal and see if they can use any help in Outland.  I bet they’ll have lots of stuff for you to do.  Hell, I hear your Cenarion druid hippie buddies even have a whole thing going on out there.  That should keep you occupied for a while.  (And seriously, I’m kind of disappointed in myself for not thinking of this until now – why did it not occur to me that I could frigging send Dontrag and Utvoch TO ANOTHER PLANET?)

 

Greetings Warchief,

I have made a grave mistake.  I am a Pandaren from the Wandering Island and decided to take up traveling after meeting some strangers from the Alliance and Horde.  I was told I would have to pick which faction I wished to join.  I decided on joining the Alliance because Aysa Cloudsinger was a cousin of mine.  It was a big mistake.  Varian Wyrnn is a complete pushover.  I was able to easily knock him down when he asked for a sparring session.  I need a leader that instill fear into his enemies and Varian is clearly not the one to do that.  I humbly ask if you would allow me to join the Horde so that I may hold my head high when I am fighting.

Eagerly awaiting your answer,

–Windblossom, Stormwind

You know, when the Huojin Pandaren showed up in Orgrimmar, I gave them all this big speech about how any of their panda friends who chose to side with the Alliance were dead to them now.  And I’d already decided that I was going to stick to a “You made your bed, now lie in it” policy for any pandas who had gone to the other side.

But you know…

Heh.

In this case, I’ve gotta say…

Hehe.  Heh heh.  Hehehe heh.

Hehe.

Hehe heh HAH hahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THAT’S just FUCKING AWESOME.

<looks at picture again>

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAAAAAA!!!!

<chucklecrying>

Welcome to the Horde, Windblossom.  F.Y.V.!

 

That’s it for this week, kids.  I need to go find a tissue.  Holy shit, my sides hurt.

HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH HEE HEEEE HAAA!

Fuck I love my readers.

<snort>