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Monday mailbag

Posted in Mailbag with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 4, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

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Before I really get rolling with my investigations in Kun-Lai summit, I figured I’d make a pit stop and check on the mail.  Here’s what we have this time around…

 

Dear Warchief,

I haven’t had the chance to get out to Pandaria yet, but I look forward to joining the war effort soon.  In the meantime, I’m curious, what’s your take on all that Pandaren beer I’ve been hearing so much about?

–Kalaban, Undercity

Thanks for writing, Kalaban.  Gotta say, I’ve been dipping into the local panda brews quite a bit since I’ve been out here (Can you blame me?  Have you SEEN the cast of characters I’ve got surrounding me?), and they’re not bad at all.  It’s really pretty hard for me to give much more of a review than that, because if there’s one thing panda beers have going for them, it’s VARIETY.  They’ve got these lighter, thinner ones that personally I think are almost like drinking water (I’m gonna bet those are pretty popular with the blood elves), all the way up to some serious, heavy-duty, knock-you-on-your-ass brews.  Plus everything in between, including all kinds of flavor varieties.  I guess that’s what happens when half the population seems to work in the brewing industry in one way or another.

And really, quality-wise you can’t complain about any of it.  The ones that are so-so are still totally drinkable.  And the ones that are GOOD?  Man.  They make half the stuff you get during Brewfest seem like you’re drinking carbonated kodo piss.  Speaking of which, I’m almost afraid to imagine what’s going to happen when the pandas get their first look at Brewfest next year, because holy shit.

That’s the other thing you notice about the pandas, I’ve got to say.  Dipping into the beer is so much a part of their culture that you don’t even realize that almost the entire population has a constant, low-level buzz going.  And the funny thing is, yeah, sure, they enjoy drinking and all, but they manage to stay really chill about it, like you never see any angry drunks anywhere (take notes, Tirion).  But it’s also like a cultural expectation that they stay vaguely buzzed even beyond the sheer fun of knocking a few back.  Which, by the way, makes me worry about General Nazgrim going native on us – you may have noticed, dude has this nasty habit of boarding ships and then winding up smashing them to bits, and I’m thinking that trend won’t be helped if he starts getting into the habit of boozing it up to boot.  Not to mention, he’s a general and needs to stay combat-ready.  Can’t have him getting a beer belly on us.

 

Hail Mighty Warchief!

Someone is going around posting this…uhhh….manipulated image of you.  It’s a travesty and demoralizing to the horde! This cannot keep going! I find too many who are laughing at this.

garroshfatbelly

The fool cryptically added FYG and sign it J. I am not sure what that means, but it can’t be nice. Fattening Your Gut? Fondly Yours Garona? (bitch!) F..ff..ffffffuucc…. ooooooh……OH. OOOOHHH! O.O

SIR, THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! I WILL HUNT DOWN THIS…THIS…LESS THAN A PEON WORTHLESS SCUM, SLIT HIS THROAT, AND MAKE A NECKLACE FROM HIS TEETH AS A GIFT TO YOU!

I WILL NOT STAND HAVING SOMEONE MAKE YOU LOOK FATTER THAN JI!

I WILL HUNT DOWN AND KILL EVERY PERSON WHO’S NAME STARTS WITH THE LETTER J STARTING WITH THAT FREAKING BLONDIE BOY JOHNNY AWESOME!

(Like the caps? Me too.)

After all the J’s are dead, their heads hanging of the gates of Ogrimmar,  and the streets flowing with their blood…can we like, go out? I think you’re so cute…even if you have a little bit of a belly. (You may want to take it easy on the pancakes and lemon squares, sir.)

Forever in my Heart,

–Tuekie, Rogue Trainee, Ogrimmar

PS: I’m older than I look. Ok?

Okay, so first of all, just so everybody knows, Tuekie here is one of the Dead Peons Society trainees that I’ve been working with the last few months, part of that whole group Gurtash is in.  She’s actually the twin sister of Ruekie, a shaman trainee I think I’ve mentioned once before.

And yes, I know.  Somebody had twins and named them Ruekie and Tuekie.  And yes, I agree.  Death is too good for some parents.  (Granted, “Ruekie” and “Tuekie” are nicknames, and their original, given names – Rue’kara and Tue’kara – are a little better, but still, come on.  You don’t give your twins names that fucking rhyme.)

Anywhow.  Tuekie here was part of the original group with her sister, but we ended up having her stay back in Orgrimmar rather than join us for the trip to Pandaria, in no small part because…yeah.  As you might have noticed…just a little tiny bit TOO fond of her mentor.  So between the fact that in Pandaria I wouldn’t have the ability to send her back to her parents at the end of the day, and the fact that, as a rogue, who KNOWS what she could get up to sneaking around all invisible and shit…yeah, better to let her stay with mom and dad.  FYI, there were a couple other trainees who ended up needing to stay back in Orgrimmar for one reason or another, so they’re still continuing their training back there while the other eight trainees are down here with me.

Oh and also, Teukie?  “I’m older than I look”?  Um, I KNOW how old you are.  You’re freaking fourteen.  I’m thirty-four, and you’re fourteen, and I haven’t hooked up with a teenager since I WAS a teenager, and the less said about that draenei girl in Nagrand the better, seeing as I don’t want Greatmother coming down here and boxing my ears.  So will you give it a rest already because it isn’t going to happen, okay?

Seriously, do other teachers have to deal with this shit?  Don’t stand so close to me.

Now as for the OTHER important part of this letter…

OMG WTF IS THAT SHIT?!?!

Okay…so…this is where I am TOTALLY on board with Teukie, because whoever is behind THAT thing…I…it…just…HOLY FUCKING HELL.  “F.Y.G.” OMG

Okay.  Okay…calming down…deep breaths…let’s look at this thing rationally.

So…we know we’re looking for someone whose name starts with a J.  (By the way, I’m not sure if Johnny Awesome is really going to be our prime suspect here, but you know what?  Go kill him anyway.  Fucker.)

Also, based on…the product…it’s probably a safe bet that this is someone who really, really doesn’t like yours truly.  So, right there, that narrows the field down A LOT, right?

Add to that the fact that that image is clearly using an Earth Online character model.  So we’re dealing with someone who probably plays EO, or at least is familiar enough with the game that they would think to dip into it for the image.

So…J’s…  Ji Firepaw couldn’t be it – yeah, he plays EO a little, but he’s pretty clueless in-game and I don’t see him being able to do that kind of image manipulation.  Jorn Skyseer at Domination Point is out – he isn’t a gamer at all, and I’ve always gotten along pretty well with him.  Jorin Deadeye?  Hmm…I don’t THINK he plays EO, but let’s maybe not cross him off the list just yet.

There have to be other options, though.  Think, Garrosh, think…someone who doesn’t like you, whose name starts with J…plays Earth Online…

Oh.

OH.

THAT FUCKING BITCH?!?!!

Ohhhhh man is she in for it.  Let’s see how funny she thinks it is when I march down there and blow up her whole damn—OH WAIT, I TOTALLY ALREADY DID.  So you know what?  If this is her idea of revenge, if the worst thing she can come up with to get back at the Horde is to doctor up some sad little picture to send around the internet, hey, knock yourself out, Jaina.  Have fun.  Pretty fucking sad, when you think of it.  Also pretty ironic that she’s making pictures of ME to put on the internet – seriously, lady, you want to go over some of the image searches for YOU that come up in my Google hits on a daily basis?

 

Dear Warchief Garrosh,

I just recently found your blog and just caught up on all of your postings. It’s been nice to see the more orcish side of such a larger than life leader. Plus, your lemon squares are truly a gift from the Light! Even though I am Forsaken, those lemon squares manage to bring life back to my taste buds.

I wanted to share a story I thought you might enjoy. I was searching for news on the events happening in Pandaria, and I came across a picture of Lor’themar Theron. I showed my husband (a blood elf paladin) the picture, and his response was “Who is the guy with the eyepatch?” I couldn’t help but laugh. Don’t tell Lor’themar, I’d hate for him to get angry at me. I’d rather not have him glaring at me when I join up with the Reliquary in Pandaria.

Fare well in Pandaria, Warchief.

–Beshara Dawnblaze, Forsaken priestess of the Shadow and Light

Thanks for writing, Beshara.  I’m not gonna lie.  I LOL’ed reading that.  I’m still kinda sitting here chortling, because…hehe…

“Who’s the guy with the eyepatch?”

“What, you mean Eyepatch?”

“That can’t really be his name, can it?  People must call him something else, right?”

“Ponytail, maybe?”

“That’s not really a name, either.”

“Hair-Care?  Cyclops?”

“I don’t think he would really answer to those, would he?”

“Well then I’m out.”

So, also, see?  SEE?  NOBODY knows the dude’s name, not even his own people.  It’s not just me, and it’s not just the Earth Online gang.  Other that Sylvanas, who seems to be able to remember him for some reason.  Maybe it’s an undead thing.  As far as those of us among the living go, though, I swear it’s like the guy has some crazy psychic field around him that makes everyone forget him as soon as they look away.

Anyway, I’ll look forward to meeting you when you get down here, Beshara.  Tell you when, when you see me in person, if you want to crack me up right out of the gate?  Just walk up and say “Eyepatch.”

 

Hey mon,

I got a surprise for ya, mon!  Dat letter ya got from Tandeleina in ya last mailbag?  She was right, mon!  I am Vol’jin!  She figured it out, mon!  I’m up an’ kickin’ an’ still on da loose!  Ya bettah watch ya back, mon, ’cause I be comin’ for ya!

–Bob, Shado-Pan Mon Echo Isles

Okay, seriously, dude, do you think I haven’t figured out your MO yet?  Come on.  This jackass keeps writing to me, and more often than not he just comes up with some crazy ridiculous bullshit to yank my chain and jerk me around.  And you know what?  I’m man enough to admit a lot of the time he’s gotten me to bite.  He’ll write some load of crap, and I’ll take the bait, and rant at him about it for a while, and meanwhile I’m sure he’s kicking back in troll-land laughing his ass off because trolls think positively EVERYTHING is fucking hilarious because felweed.

Well guess what.  You’re not getting me this time, Bobbo.  Yeah, you’re Vol’jin.  Sure you are.  Absolutely.  You somehow miraculously survived the attack in the saurok cave, and you’ve gone off in hiding to heal up, and meanwhile you’ve been putting this WHOLE GIANT CONSPIRACY together behind my back, I’m sure, and recruiting people to help you, and biding your time before The Glorious Revolution where you overthrow me or some shit.

Yeah, sure.  That’s real fucking likely.

Probably.

Where did I put that note from AlternateTimeline!Faranell again…?

Monday mailbag

Posted in Mailbag with tags , , , , , , , , , , on February 11, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

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So, since Gurtash has been taking his damn time with the next set of doodles of what went down at Tian Monastery, I figured I’d take advantage of this break in the action to check on the mail.  Let’s see what you peeps have for me this time…

 

Dear Warchief,

After perusing some of your past mailbags, I’ve decided to go ahead and ask the question that I’m sure many people are wondering but no one seems willing to ask.

You do realize that Bob is really Vol’jin, right?

–Tandeleina, Silvermoon City

Okay, so, on the plus side: Thanks for writing, Tandeleina.

On the minus side: What are you, a frigging idiot?

First of all, okay, I know that that Bob jackass is always writing from the Echo Isles, and the Echo Isles are troll territory, but that doesn’t mean he’s Vol’jin.  I mean, come on, sure the trolls are all weak and scrawny and stupid and lazy and pretty much useless, but you can’t assume because someone’s a troll that he must be Vol’jin.  That’s just fucking racist.

Number two, even if the Echo Isles thing was enough to send up a red flag, a few weeks ago I got a letter from Bob, AFTER Vol’jin had been killed in the line of duty in Pandaria.  So that should settle that.

But let’s say you’re really stubborn and paranoid, like those damn “the Cataclysm was an inside job” conspiracy people, and you’re still not convinced.  Check this out.  All of these letters I get for the mailbag are either hand-delivered standard-mail letters, or, mostly, e-mails.  With the exception of his very first letter, all of Bob’s messages have been e-mails.  Now, when I copy these letters, I don’t usually give out people’s e-mail addresses, because I figure most of my readers get enough creepy porn spam as it is (have you SEEN some of my Google hits?).  But I see the addresses.  You know what Bob’s is?  Check this out: definitelynotvoljin@gmail.com.

So yeah.  I bet you’re feeling pretty stupid now, aren’t you?

 

Hail, Warchief!

Regarding our esteemed Regent-Lord … well, some of us DID offer you the opportunity to replace him.

– A Concerned Citizen

Yeah, yeah, fine, ACC.  Enough with the I-told-you-so’s.  How was I supposed to know Regent-Lord Hair-Care was going to turn into this much of a willowy hemorrhoid?  For like two years I didn’t even know he was there.  Hell, I STILL can’t remember his actual fucking name half the time.  Why do you think I give him so many nicknames?  I mean, other than it being damn entertaining seeing what shade of purple he turns right before he throws a hissy fit over it.

Oh, speaking of which, after I wrote about ol’ Eyepatch a few days ago, his latest thing has been bitching and crying about the crack I made about…well…his eyepatch.  I make one little joke about his loss of an eye and apparently it’s a big fucking deal, because (a) I may or may not have been the one who put his eye out while I was slapping him around a little while back (without the “may not” part), and (b) at the time I kept him around basically to tell him to STFU already rather than letting him run to a shaman to maybe get the eye patched up (OOPS I’M SO INSENSITIVE) fixed while they had the chance.  I mean I’m pretty sure he was going to end up blinded in that eye anyway, but…I don’t know.  Maybe they could have done something to make it less gross?  Beats me.  So yeah, fine, whatever, I didn’t save the eye that couldn’t see.  My bad.  Suck it up, Cyclops.

 

My dearest Warchief,

I hope you are doing well. Things have been a bit dull in Orgrimmar with you off claiming Pandaria for the glory of the Horde. I’ve taken up Earth Online to fill the time in the day when I normally would hang around outside Grommash Hold hoping for a glimpse of you. I even adopted a little white dog as my pet, although he’s something called a Bichon Frise, not a terrier like your Sawyer. His name is Sherpa.

sherpa2s

What server are you on? Maybe I could come visit, or even join your guild? I bet Sawyer and Sherpa would have a good time playing together.

So would we.

Yours,

–Wega

You know what?  I’ll be honest with you – I’m really torn here.  I mean, on the one hand, I’m pretty sure I’ve already got enough crazy stalkerish women in my life without giving another one an invitation to come hang out in my guild.  Also Wega’s not winning any bonus points for the whole “hanging around outside Grommash Hold watching for you” thing, because for real, people, is it just me or is anyone else picturing her writing this letter in a candlelit room that has a zillion pictures of me tacked up all over the walls?  Because SHE WON’T BE IGNORED, GARROSH.

On the other hand, in a really weird, sick kind of way, I can’t help but feel like we could be looking at a real /popcorn situation if I were to toss Wega into the same guild chat with Garona.  Dunno.  I may have to think about this a little.

Anyhow, cute dog there, Wega.  I’ll get back to you.  In the meantime, please stop camping Grommash Hold.  I’m not there now anyway, and I have it on good authority that you’re creeping Eitrigg the fuck out.

 

Warchief Sir,

Recently, I had the opportunity to try Earth Online. I was intrigued by this amazing other world and the array of stories to follow. The toon I created is a cook for an American restaurant that I’m working to a world-class chef. However, trying to pass Gordon Ramsay’s Hell’s Kitchen dungeon  has been a real pain in the…but I digress.

I discover in the game, Earth Online, what they call a movie theatre. When I clicked on it and paid the money they required, a wonderous cut scene occurred called The Avengers. It was amazing moment of entertainment about this colorful heroes saving Earth from an alien invasion.

Have you seen it? If not, you may want to.

There was one large hero that reminded me of you. One called Hulk. He is really big, angry, and likes to smash things.

Again, I digress.

The reason for my letter is to ask a simple question. If a movie were made of you, which Earth Online actor would you want to portray you?

Sincerely,

–Quelita, Tarren Mill

Thanks for writing, Quelita.  I’ve talked about this before, but yeah, it really is impressive how much work they put into the game world, what with the cinematics and the readable in-game books and so on.  It’s actually kind of scary how much time you can lose just checking that stuff out.

Before I get to your question, I’ve got to address one other thing you mentioned – the Hulk.  Now, I haven’t seen The Avengers, and I’m not planning to, PRECISELY because of that character.  Usually the people over at Genesis Entertainment do a real bang-up job putting together these cut scenes, but I seriously don’t know WHAT the fuck they were thinking putting in that Hulk character.

hulk

I mean, think about it.  Here’s this guy who flies into a rage – or, a BLOOD HAZE, IF YOU WILL – and gets bigger, and stronger, and turns all crazy and aggressive and destructive, and HE TURNS GREEN.

Um.  SERIOUSLY?

gromhellscream

RACIST much?  The FUCK, Genesis?

Okay, so that’s all I’m going to say about that.

Now for your question – which, I’ve got to say, is a pretty good question.  I hadn’t really given much thought to who I would cast in a movie about me, not least of all because, let’s face it, nobody’s going to bring enough awesome to the table to do me justice, so I should probably just play myself, only we’re talking about an Earth Online cinematic, not real life, so I couldn’t actually do that, so there goes that idea.  Fuck.

So okay, let’s break this down.

Obviously you’d want someone who would be physically believable as me – so we’re looking at somebody with a strong physique, who you could buy as a powerful, badass fighter.  Bonus points if he can carry off the bald look.  A track record as an ass-kicking hero type would be pretty important too.

chiklis

Hmm.  Okay, so this guy wouldn’t be TERRIBLE, but…I don’t know.  I mean, fine, he was plenty strong when he was playing the Thing, but his build really isn’t so much powerful as it’s…just kind of big and lumpy.  Plus, I’m not crazy about the language skills – maybe it was just the script he was stuck with, but honestly, I just don’t see EPIC VERSE coming from this guy.

Oh and speaking of the script?  Both those Fantastic Four cinematics he was in pretty much sucked.  Moving on.

willis

Okay, this is a little better.  Maybe not blowing you away with the big, powerful build, but he’s definitely got the action-hero street cred, and he can rock the bald thing in no uncertain terms.  So that’s the up side.

Down side… Well, first of all, as much as he has the badass track record, dude is just old at this point.  He’s supposed to be, what, 60 at this point?  All the credit in the world for the stuff he’s been in up till now, but come on, nobody’s going to buy a 60-year-old as a don’t-fuck-with-me badass.  (DO NOT TELL SAURFANG I SAID THAT.)

Still, I could maybe turn a blind eye (LOR’THE’MOTHERFUCKER APOLOGISTS: DRINK) to the age thing, but this guy has another strike against him: by and large, he tends to go the softspoken route with his characters.  Sort of the strong but understated type.  Which is fine, it totally works when he does it, but I don’t know if he can flip from that to go larger than life.  You know, LIVING IN CAPTIAL LETTERS.  I’d be a lot more comfortable with somebody I knew could really project and command the room and put some authority in his voice.  Bonus points if he’s not afraid throw some strong language into the mix while he’s at it.

macewindu

Okay, NOW we’re getting somewhere.  Long track record as a no-fucking-around badass?  Check.  Looks good with no hair?  Check.  Volume dial on his voice goes to eleven?  Check.  “Fuck” is like “good morning” to him?  Double and triple check.  Believable laying down some epic badass dialogue?  YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME IS CHECK.  Experience with an awesomely kickass melee weapon?  Check.

Granted he might be a little up there in years too, but whatever, I’m not going to get too hung up on that if everything else is lining up.

jules

Okay, hang on, I already told you about the Saurfang thing.  Hmm.  You know, I’m starting to think this guy might have a little TOO much attitude.  I’m not going to take any sassing from someone pretending to be me.  Dude’s gotta remember who’s the original and who’s the economy pack here.

Okay, so let’s refine this to the really key components.  Strong, powerful, don’t-fuck-with-me badass.  Track record doing action.  Commanding voice and a willingness to turn up the volume.  Able to throw some words together and maybe even lay down a rhyme.  Can carry off non-standard hair.  And hey, while we’re at it, since he’ll have to wear Mannoroth’s tusks and some earrings like I do, it’d be good to know this is someone who can lug around some ornamentation and make it look cool.

mrt

Oh HELL yeah.  Sold.  Done.  Check please.  The end.

 

That’s going to do it for this time, but as always, keep those letters coming to garrosh1337@gmail.com.  It’s great to hear from you guys, and answering your questions is always good times, so don’t just sit there like an asshole, write in to your Warchief now.  I PITY THE FOOL THAT DOESN’T.

More soon.

Spazzle Speaks: Shamans United!

Posted in Spazzle Speaks with tags , , , , , , , on February 1, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

trollmasks

Hi everyone, Spazzle here.  There’s been a lot going on, and I’ve been meaning to post for a little while now, but…well, there’s been a lot going on so I haven’t had the chance to until now.

As I’d said the last time I posted, after the news about Vol’jin reached Orgrimmar, everybody was in a state of shock for a while, and some of the Kor’kron were sent down to the Echo Isles to make sure everything was secure there.  I remember Eitrigg seeming less than thrilled about that for some reason, but I didn’t think too much of it at the time.

Still, I was concerned about how everyone was doing down there.  I have a couple friends from the comic shop in Razor Hill who live on the Echo Isles, and I figured that they must have been pretty shaken up by everything.  So last week, after I hadn’t heard from them in a little while, I decided to take a trip down and see how they were doing.

You will never guess who I ran into on the way down.

Thrall!

Now, I can’t say I was ever very close to Thrall personally, but I definitely owe him a debt or two after he helped save the Bilgewater Cartel after we left Kezan.  Not to mention, he’s the one who first started training me as a shaman way back when.  (I changed the subject when he asked how that was coming along.  No need for him to know that my mechanical totems short-circuit nearby appliances nearly as often as they summon up the elements.)  So, as much as Garrosh is my friend and I know the two of them don’t always see eye to eye, I’m very pro-Thrall.

Or pro-Go’el.  I’m not too clear on which one he’s going by these days.

Anyway, he was on his way to the Echo Isles from the Valley of Trials, along with a few Horde adventurers who had just returned from Pandaria.  He didn’t go into a lot of detail, but I guess he was concerned that there was some kind of trouble for the trolls in the aftermath of Vol’jin’s death.  He invited me to come with them, and since I was already concerned about my troll friends down there, naturally I took him up on his offer.

When we arrived at the Echo Isles, there were Kor’kron guards posted all around the perimeter of the island, and patrols marching around all over, without any Darkspear soldiers anywhere to be seen among the defenders.  Which struck me as kind of odd, obviously.  Not to mention the fact that the Kor’kron all seemed to be in a pretty foul mood.

thrallguard1

Still, there was a Kor’kron officer along the main road, and Thrall went up to talk to him.  I figured between Thrall’s diplomatic skills, and the fact that he’s…you know…Thrall, he should be able to clear things up pretty quickly.

thrallguard2

Hmm.  Okay, so much for that.

We made our way into the city from there, and it was a pretty shocking sight – the Kor’kron weren’t protecting the trolls, they were maintaining an occupation!  The trolls were rounded up, disarmed, supervised by the Kor’kron, and lots of them were even chained up.

trollcaptives

I don’t even want to think what Saurfang would say if he knew this was going on.

Thrall wasn’t happy that it had come to this, but he decided we had to free the Darkspear from the occupation.  So the handful of us went around the island and, little by little, helped the trolls neutralize the Kor’kron guards.  Mostly that meant “disarm and capture,” but, well…  <sigh>  You know.

gul'tar

Once we had control of most of the island, we headed to Darkspear Hold, where that warlock Gul’tar, one of Malkorok’s lieutenants, had taken charge of the city and was running things from Vol’jin’s old command center.  Thrall tried to get him to stand down, but he wouldn’t budge.  Gul’tar ended up ranting about the Horde changing and Vol’jin refusing to change with it, and that’s why he died – that didn’t really make sense to me, considering the reports that Vol’jin had died in a saurok attack – and attacked Thrall.  Thrall and the Darkspear were able to beat him without too much trouble.

Now, the question is, what next?  Thrall wasn’t sure where we go from here, but he said he would stay on the Echo Isles to help the trolls keep a handle on things until…well, I’m not really supposed to go into that.  That’s one of the details Thrall said we all needed to keep quiet for the time being.

thrallisles

Hmm… Although…come to think of it…I suppose this whole story would be filed under “Things Thrall Wants You to Keep Quiet.”  So maybe I shouldn’t have just blogged about it.  Oh well.  Just make sure you all keep this hush-hush.

At least there’s still that one last detail that I can be good about keeping secret.

Even as juicy and awesome as it is.

Anyway…ahem…since I won’t be talking about that, I guess I’ll wrap this up for now.  I’ll try to post again if anything else big happens around here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Okay screw it OMG YOU GUYS VOL’JIN IS TOTALLY STILL ALIVE HOLY GEEZ CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?!?!?!

 

 

[Header image provided by Rioriel from Postcards From Azeroth; click here to see the souped-up Postcard version!  All other images provided by Khizzara from Blog of the Treant.  All images used here with permission and many thanks.]

Moving on to Plan B

Posted in Words from a Scribe with tags , , , , , , on January 25, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

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This package arrived for me a few days ago through Grommash Hold – I guess as a guest blogger these days I’m in the mailbag business myself.

 

This package is addressed to:

Mokvar
c/o Garrosh Hellscream, Warchief
Grommash Hold, Orgrimmar
Kalimdor, Azeroth

It arrives looking quite a bit the worse for wear.  Its sides are battered and one corner has been entirely crushed in.  The brown paper wrapping has been dirtied and torn but the numerous postmarks stamped on it are still legible.  Although it seems to have originated in Orgrimmar it appears to have been mysteriously routed through Ratchet, Booty Bay, Grom’gol Base Camp, Brill and finally back to Orgrimmar.

Inside the box is a large variety of random items in various states of disrepair: A partial stack of 14 Ankhs; a rabbit’s foot with several patches of fur missing; a small glass vial labeled “MOJO” in carefully penned block letters; a rather larger glass bottle labeled “TROLL SWEAT” in the same handwriting; a well-loved toy teddy bear; partial stacks of mageweave, frostweave and windwool bandages; 3 minor health potions and a large bag of crumbs which might be the remains of several dozen chocolate cookies.

At the very bottom of the box is a scrap of parchment which reads:

Mokvar,

How you doin’, mon?  I hear you been injured somewhat and even killed!  Good t’ing it didn’t take dis time.  We shaman gotta stick together, so here are some t’ings to help you feel better soon.

Take care and watch yer back, mon.

–Kaeliss, Valley of the Spirits, Orgrimmar

Thanks, Kaeliss.  I appreciate the gesture.  Somehow I get the feeling that I might need all that stuff in the days ahead.  (Although, what’s up with the troll sweat?  I’ve never really understood why you guys bottle that stuff.)

So, speaking of which…and speaking of the mail… There’s good news and there’s bad news.

The good news is that since I, you know, read this blog, I know now that Garrosh has had Garona shadowing me and knows I’ve been meeting with Deliana.  (At least he meant well, I suppose.)

The bad news is that Garrosh knows I’ve been meeting with Deliana.  And that I’ve been up to something in Winterspring.  And apparently sneaking around.  And spirits only know how many dots he’s been connecting in his head based on what Garona told him.

So…there goes my plan to bring this whole story to Garrosh.

I suppose I still could.  Even considering that he’s suspicious now, predisposed to assume the worst, and probably irritable even by Garrosh standards, I suppose I could still try to go to him with this.  I could lay out the whole story, and explain why I’ve been keeping these things hidden, and why I’ve been working with a human whose last mailing address was in Ironforge.  And I could detail all of this to Garrosh and hope he’ll listen with an open mind and be reasonable and even-handed in his response.

So, yeah, see?  There goes my plan to bring this whole story to Garrosh.

At least not yet.  At this point, sooner or later I’m going to have to answer to Garrosh, and when I do, the only chance I’m going to have is if have some definite, final answers to all of this – as in, problem solved, spectral assassins dealt with, Deliana long gone from Horde territory, all loose ends tied up.  I can’t leave any room for any kind of “What about X?” “Yeah, uh, still working on that” to happen.

And I have to do all this before Garrosh gets back from Pandaria.

And I also have to do this while I know I’m being watched.  Can I mention how unnerving that is, by the way?

(Hi, Garona, if you happen to be stealthed in the room right now and looking over my shoulder while I’m typing this.)

(Also, please look away for a minute while I close a few browser tabs.  Thanks.)

 

Mokvar

 

 

[Header image (and reader mail!) provided by Khizzara from Blog of the Treant, used here with permission and many thanks.]

Monday mailbag

Posted in Mailbag with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 9, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

Okay, I haven’t tended to the mail in a little while since we were, you know, dislocated in the time-space continuum.  But we’ve got a few letters that have come in lately, so before anything else happens that gets me all distracted, let’s see what we’ve got…

 

Hail, Warchief!

I would dearly love to find out what happened to Koltira Deathweaver. He died defending Silvermoon, you know. I enjoyed working with him in Agmar’s Hammer, and again on Ogrim’s Hammer. I heard that he disappeared under mysterious circumstances right after we ran the Alliance out of Andorhal. But that’s all I know. Something’s not quite right here, though. My sources here are usually pretty good, but when I bring up Koltira, they invariably change the subject.

The guy you want to talk to about Bowling for Wildhammer is Malkar over in Bloodgulch. It’s not actually bowling, though, it’s more like fishing. You toss a hook up in the air, snag a gryphon, and haul the rider down to you. Then, you wear him out. Lather, rinse, repeat. A fine way to while away a dull afternoon. But I’m not sure how closely Zaela looks into what goes on in Bloodgulch. She may well know nothing about this.

–A Concerned Citizen

Hey, ACC.  Thanks for the explanation of the whole Bowling for Wildhammer thing.  I’m definitely going to have to take a trip out there and check it out.  Granted, yanking dwarves out of the sky and curbstomping them isn’t going to be quite as fun or satisfying as, say, humans or gnomes, but hey, it’s Alliance and it’s curbstomping.  Can’t rightly complain about that.

As for Koltira…yeah, I’d like to know what the deal is with him, too.  I’ve been trying to find out for a while now, in fact.  Bragor Bloodfist down in the Undercity has been under orders to find out what happened to him, seeing as Sylvanas and her people were the last ones to see Koltira before he went off the grid.  He hasn’t been able to get any answers, though, and considering he’s got his own whole set of issues down there, I’m not sure whether it’s a matter of there not being any answers to be had or of him just not having his head in the right place.  I mean seriously, I ask him for a Koltira update, and he babbles on about Sylvanas going off to the little ghouls’ room and being gone for like an hour.  Like I need to know the details of her bathroom breaks.  Maybe she’s got an irritable colon or something, who knows.  I know mine gets plenty irritable with some of the morons I have to deal with in this job.

 

Dear Warchief,

We all know you’re a big fan of lemon squares (who isn’t, am I right?).  Do you have any other favourite foods?

Your fan,

–Salaria

One word, Salaria: bacon.  Everything goes good with bacon.  Everything.  There is not one single recipe out there – I DARE YOU TO PROVE ME WRONG – that isn’t improved by adding bacon.  Need convincing?  Name any kind of food you can think of, and tell me it wouldn’t sound even better if you stuck “bacon-wrapped” in front of it.  SEE?  Hell, if you offered to give me “bacon-wrapped cancer,” I’d have to at least think about it.

Of course, even granting that everything goes great with bacon, the thing that goes absolute BEST with bacon?  More bacon.

Honorable mention: peanut butter.  Most of the above applies, plus it’s really handy for when I have to give Mortimer a pill from the vet, and in general it’s just hilarious to watch a wyvern chawing away on it while it’s sticking to the roof of his mouth.  Sometimes I’ll give him a big spoon of the stuff, and while he’s munching away, Gurtash will make up dialogue that Mortimer could be saying, since his mouth will be flapping open and closed almost like he’s talking.  Good times.

 

Hey mon,

I been doin’ dat regular errand for Marogg da infantry chef, where he be askin’ us ta steal Darkspear rice from da trolls in da Valley of Spirits.  I been tinkin’ dis be a real smart move, mon, keepin’ da trolls underfed and hungry.  All you I mean we orcs know da only way we be keepin’ da trolls down is if we keep dem weakened – we let ’em eat well and get strong an’ for sure dey be takin’ over da Horde!  We all know dere be no way we be holdin’ dem down if dey at full strength!  Good goin’ dere, mon!

–Bob, Echo Isles

Wait, wait, hold on a minute.  You’re trying to tell me, you think the only reason the orcs are able to maintain our position of dominance within the Horde is because we use sketchy methods to keep any potential rivals weak?  You’re saying we couldn’t stay in charge if the fucking TROLLS had three squares a day (along with whatever extra snacks they’re having because, you know, munchies)?

Well FUCK THAT SHIT.

I’ll SHOW you how fast we’d lose control if the trolls weren’t hungry all the time!  Marogg was supposed to be gathering up that rice to make jambalaya, right?  Well I’m issuing him orders RIGHT THIS MINUTE to have half that jambalaya delivered right over to the troll district.  What’s more, I’m ordering Borstan the butcher to start scheduling regular deliveries of assorted meats to the Valley of Spirits, maybe let those scrawny fuckers get some protein for once, and then for good measure, I’m even having Shan’ti arrange to have some fruits and vegetables – why someone would want to eat those is beyond me, but whatever – sent over when there’s a decent crop.

You think the trolls would take over if we didn’t keep them weakened?  BULLSHIT, the trolls don’t need our help to be weak, they came out of the box that way, so just you fucking watch and see what happens – or DOESN’T happen – when they can’t cry starvation anymore!

Go head, fatten ’em up, feed ’em all they can choke down, see how much good it does them!  You hear me?  That’s an order!  Feed those trolls!

 

Attn: Garrosh Hellscream, Horde Warchief
c/o Orgrimmar, Durotar KLM

Pursuant to Stormwind Revenue Statute LC14-99A17, subsection A4:

This letter hereby notifies the above named GARROSH HELLSCREAM (hereafter “DEBTOR”) of funds owed to the Stormwind Treasury, as per investigations conducted under authority of this office:

    • Debtor initially accrued debt under alias G. PATRICK SEITZ in the amount of 120 gold in unpaid charges at Kelly’s Inn and Tavern, Southshore, Hillsbrad Foothills EKD.
    • Proprietor Herman Kelly, esq. (hereafter “PLAINTIFF”) filed legal claim against one G. PATRICK SEITZ in the amount of 144 gold in rental and late fees.
    • Lordaeron Circuit Court 23 ruled in favor of plaintiff in amount of 144 gold; additionally 216 gold in legal fees, 150 gold fine for failure to appear at hearing and 50 gold in punitive damages.  Total debt incurred 560 gold.
    • Debtor failed to appear before court on three statutory appeal dates as per Lordaeron Small Claims Code 19C, classification 4 (Brill Act).  Upon expiration of appeal period, debtor incurred mandatory penalties of 407 gold, 611 gold and 1215 gold for missed payment dates.
    • Funds owed to plaintiff were reimbursed from Lordaeron Treasury under Small Business Shelter Provision 2219-A; debtor’s account was placed in collection.  Mandatory fine of 117 gold incurred.
    • Collection duties assumed by Stormwind Agency of Taxation and Recovery under Disaster Provision Act after unexpected decease and necrotic resuscitation of entire fiduciary authority of Lordaeron government.
    • Debtor accrued additional debts in the mount of 117 gold monthly for failure to pay fines; additionally cumulative interest fees at rates of 14 to 23% per annum as dictated by Stormwind Variable Rate Index.

As of current date, debtor owes funds to RATR in amount of 49,758 gold.

Please remit funds to RATR, Stormwind, within 30 days of receipt of this notice.  Additional penalties may apply upon failure to comply.

–Royal Agency of Taxation and Recovery, Stormwind City
(Routing path: Southshore; Tarren Mill; Lordaeron; Androhal; Stormwind; Theramore; Gadgetzan; Caverns of Time; Ratchet)

What.

The fuck.

Is THIS?

Okay, so hold up.  You mean to tell me, when we high-tailed it out of Southshore – and yeah, we didn’t bother paying at the inn when we took off, because guess what, we had some other shit to do that was kind of important – Kelly (Herman?  Seriously?  Fucking HERMAN?) went to the trouble of filing a lawsuit and keeping after it to try to get back the fucking pocket change we owed him?

And okay, I know what you guys are probably thinking, how the hell did they even manage to trace this back to me in the first place, seeing as I was using an alias and a human face and WAS TRAVELING THROUGH FUCKING TIME.  But you know what, really, you shouldn’t be surprised that they managed to find me, because TAX COLLECTORS.  Those fuckers will see through time and space like it’s nothing and track you through the Twisted Nether and OMG maybe I should get some of THEM to try to find fucking Koltira!

Anyway, Stormwind tax dudes working under royal authority, I was going to send you an I.O.U. for the gold, but on second thought I figure it would be a lot better to take this occasion to publicly offer you an F.Y.V.

That’s right.

Everyone say it with me.

Welcome to [Warchief]

Posted in General, Transcripts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 30, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

I’m back in Orgrimmar.  After we wrapped up things in Garadar, I took sort of a leisurely trip by land to Shattrath with Lakkara.  From there we took one of the portals to Orgrimmar.  You should have seen the look on my mother’s face the first time she came up with me from the Cleft of Shadow and saw the Valley of Strength.

Since then I’ve been showing her around Orgrimmar and a little of Durotar.  At first I figured I was going to take her on this whirlwind tour around Kalimdor and show her everything, but I forget ALL of this is TOTALLY new to her, so it’s probably better to take our time and give her a chance to take it all in.  Even little things, like the fact that she hadn’t ever really seen trolls before.  Or Forsaken, for that matter…although she was a lot less freaked out over seeing them walking around town than I figured she would be.  I guess she just feels for anybody who’s had a rough time of it.  Anyway, for the time being I have her set up with her own quarters here in Grommash Hold, upstairs.

While she’s been getting settled and resting, I’ve had a chance to hop back online and get some Earth Online time.  The guild had gotten off to a slow start, since I ended up having a lot of distractions keeping me from the game, but I think we’re starting to get things together.  Spazzle also set me up with this thing that lets me log our in-game guild chat, so I’m going to try using it here and give you guys a peek at what we’ve been up to.  He even had some add-on that let me tag players in the game with their real names (or whatever names I want to label them with) so both names show up in the game chat.  Makes it easier for me to keep things straight sometimes, but I figure it’ll make these logs a hell of a lot easier for you all to make sense of.

Anyway, here goes:

 

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So Spaz, how are things coming along on the guild web site?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Don’t we already have a web site?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yes and no

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  We have a site that we use, but it’s not totally ours

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]   How’s that?

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  you know, it’s one of those prefab ones you can get at a host site.

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  they’re fine and all, they give you the basics of what you need, but they don’t give you a whole lot of room to customize

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  or for that matter even really have direct control of the site

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  which is fine if you’re just wanting something to get started with, or if you just don’t have someone who knows web design

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Which obviously we do

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  this way I can custom build it, and have direct control over security, track IP addresses, etc.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, and after all the trouble I’ve been having on the blog the last month or so, I want us to have more control of the guild site

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Ahh, got it.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So how’s it coming along?

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  pretty well

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  I think it should be up and running pretty soon

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  sorry it’s been taking so long, but I ended up losing a bunch of time getting the blog secured again after all the hacking that was going on

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So you finally have that locked down now?

[SteveKravitz | Utvoch] has logged on.

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  yeah, I think so.  I set up a much tougher firewall

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  it should be a LOT harder for anyone to get through it

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  a firewall wtf?

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  we’re got walls of fire here now?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  No, not like that

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Hey Dontrag.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  no, this is utvoch

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  hey though

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  I always get them mixed up.

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  it’s a firewall for Garrosh’s blog

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  If it makes you feel any better, I usually have to keep a little crib sheet on me

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I still slip up every so often

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  we’re not going to have to start farming fire resist gear now, are we?

[GilbertRose | Dontrag] has logged on.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  server back up?

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  sup Dontrag

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  No, it’s not a firewall like that

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Not in the game

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  no, not dontrag, this is utvoch, i just said

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  no, not you

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  He wasn’t talking to you.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  walls of fire?  are we doing one of the burning building scenarios?

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  Dontrag just logged on

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  oh i missed that

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  shouldnt we maybe recruit someone who plays a fire fighter before we try one of those

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  “oh i missed that” he says – I bet he gets tired of having to say that

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  lol

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  haha

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  No, we’re not talking about BB scenarios.  It’s a firewall Spazzle set up for my blog

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  you have a blog?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] …

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  hah

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  ah ok

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Um, yes, I do

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Didn’t he write in for one of your mailbags, too?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garroshhttp://commandboard.wordpress.com

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, he did

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  haha, that’s great.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  lol

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Clearly you and I have very different notions of “great”

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  oh cool

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  i will make a point of reading it, sir

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  are you sure you want them reading it?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  as will i, great gl/warchief sir

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  I mean, you kind of make fun of them a lot on it, call them stupid, etc.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I don’t say anything on the blog that I wouldn’t say to their faces

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Watch

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Also you’re assuming they would get half of the jabs he takes at them.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Dontrag

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Utvoch

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] has logged on.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You guys know you’re fucking idiots, right?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  lol

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  yes, sir

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  yes sir

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  sorry sir

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Ah, I see our esteemed Warchief is once again demonstrating his inimitable leadership skills.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  great apologies, sir

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  i’m doing my best to remedy my failings with my extension courses, sir

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  morning, dark lady

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Hey, we don’t all have the benefit of having all our underlings auto-brainwashed and under our thrall, Sylvanas

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  By the way, what’s up with your names, you two?  They seem kind of…generic.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Good day, Utvoch.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  You wound me yet again, Warchief.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  yeah we both just used one of the randomly generated names

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  no this is dontrag

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  wait, under thrall?

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  is thrall coming back?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  you kind of walked right into that one, boss

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  No.  Thrall isn’t coming back

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, I know

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Who told them about this guild again?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  thrall said he was coming back?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  when was this?  i missed it

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  No

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  lol

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Thrall

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Is not

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Coming back

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  You could not pay me to be Warchief, honestly.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  ah okay, if you say so, sir

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  truly it is a blessing that the horde has such an embarrassment of riches in our leadership

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  We have an embarrassment, all right

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So hey, while you guys are here and Sylvanas is on

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I was thinking it might be good to make her an officer

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  For real?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  she was the one who was hacking into the blog, wasn’t she?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  well one of them

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, yeah, I know.  But hear me out

[Nightengayle | Garona] has logged on.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Good morning, Garona.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  morning garona

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  First off, even though she did hack into the blog, I have to give her props for the way she shut Varian down

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  hi BQ.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  hi dontrag.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  yeah, that was pretty funny

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  No, that’s Utvoch.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  She’s been playing this game for a while and knows a bunch of the classes really well, plus she DID server transfer just to join this guild

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  no its not

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  is it?  damn I thought I got it right this time.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  no, you got it right

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  that is true, she did

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  i’m dontrag

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  he’s utvoch

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Yeah.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Are you sure?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Plus, you know, I’ve been thinking lately, maybe I’ve been a little too hard on her.  I mean, to be fair, being tortured to death has to do a number on you

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  i think we know who we are

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I would think you would know you are, as well.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  If you think so.  It probably wouldn’t be a bad gesture, since she’s the de facto leader over in Eastern Kingdoms.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Apparently, however, there is some uncertainty in the matter.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  now you’re just messing with them lol.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  ^_^

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah that too.  And also as far as the hacking goes, I think maybe if we put her on the inside, she might be less likely to want to try messing with things

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Yeah, maybe.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  hmm yeah

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  so what are you guys up to?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  well, if you think so, boss, it’s your call

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  I need to jet in a little while, though.  I have to go meet up with my cousin Khizzara

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  it’s new comic book day down at the shop!

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Just sorting out some day trading.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  d and i are just sparring outside washington

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  we should probably get back to leveling though

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  kk Spazzle

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  yeah, me too.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  what level are you guys?

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] has been promoted to the rank Officer.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  34

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  grats!

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  33 here

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  ^_^

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Thank you, dear Guild Leader.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  grats BQ.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  welcome aboard, sylvanas

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Thank you!

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  No problem, Sylvanas.  I figure you know the game well, plus, you know, it’s always nice to actually have someone with a few IQ points in a leadership position

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  you know in my other guild over on palin I’m an officer too, as a matter of fact.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Indeed.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  anyway, hate to greet and run, but I have get going

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Take care, Spazzle.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  anyway boo, you guys are too high level for me.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  was going to say we should group up.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  unless you want to run a lvl 19 nurse through a couple lowbie instances… <3

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I appreciate your trust, good GL, and will of course do my best to serve the guild well.

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  gotta run for a little while, guys.  back later!

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  i guess we could, sure

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  cya spazzle

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Later, Spazzle.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona<3

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Going quiet for a few, everyone, need to get this quest done for my class trinket

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] has logged off.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  bye spazzle

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  damn, missed him

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Before you get too far into your quest, Garrosh, would it be all right if I invited a friend to the guild?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  He’s fairly new to the game, but I’m sure he’ll learn quickly.  Plus he doesn’t really get out a lot, so it might be nice for him to have some new people to interact with.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, that should be fine

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  where should we meet you garona

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Anyway, busy for a few

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  I’m over in moscow now.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  I have a couple quests to do in the kremlin if we could do that.

[Lorthemar] has joined the guild.

[Lorthemar] has been promoted to the rank Recruit.

[Lorthemar] has been promoted to the rank Member.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  ok

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Welcome, Lorthemar.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Welcome!

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Thank you!

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Greetings, guildmates!

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  sup

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  who’s the new guy?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  o.O

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Lor’themar Theron, at your service!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  oh so I guess you just didn’t have enough characters to put the last name on your toon?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  I think there’s a mod you can use to get around that.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  oh hey is that supposed to be like whats her face from the quest chain?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Who?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Well…no.  That’s just my name.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  that npc, another theron i think

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  charlize?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Charlize, yeah.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  No, but wait, no, that’s not what he’s going for.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  oh wow so you’re into like that total immersion thing, huh?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  yeah thats her

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  she’s in a few in-game cinematics too.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Not many of those are really worth watching, though.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  is your toon supposed to be related to her or something?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Ugh, too much RP.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  they are as long as you turn off your speakers

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  …

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  just sayin

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I’m a little confused.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I must admit, I’m a little baffled as well.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  it’s okay, the game throws a lot at you at once, it gets easier to keep track of once you play a little.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  why, BQ?  you’ve been playing this game longer than me.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  No…not like that.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Lorthemar is literally THE Lor’themar Theron.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  ok…

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  right, he said that

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  and…?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] …

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  What?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Lor’themar Theron.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Regent Lord of Quel’thalas.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  not ringing any bells

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  The leader of the blood elves.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  oh.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  If you say so.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  wait, didn’t we kill him a couple years ago?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Never mind.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I really am confused now.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  No, that was…you know what, forget it.  Welcome to the guild, Lor’themar.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  yeah i’m starting to get a little lost too

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay, back

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  And check this out

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  wb.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Checking.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  welcome back sir

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So I was doing my teacher class quest to upgrade my gradebook trinket

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  And I finish the quest, and since I was in an instanced inner city school zone, when I zone out I’m PVP flagged, right?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So this random guy sees me and decides he’s going to try and gank me.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Only now I’ve got my shiny new trinket, and I blow all my upgraded lesson buffs at once, and BAM, drop the scrub like a freshman-year undeclared pre-med major

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  haha awesome

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Welcome back, Garrosh.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  woot

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  And I’m all doing a /detention emote on him like “WHAM!  You got SCHOOLED, bitch!”  haha

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  haha

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I’m not sure I really follow all that, but I’m sure it was a glorious victory, Warchief.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  They don’t call me Omgipwnedurface for nothing

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  indeed sir

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  they call you that because you entered it on the character creation screen

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Speaking of triumphant returns, by the way, I heard a rumor that Thrall was coming back.  Is it true?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Um okay

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  OMG not that again

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  yeah i heard someone talking about that earlier too

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Really?  Thrall’s returning?  Do you know anything about when?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Seems he’s being very cagey about the details.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Sylvanas, why do you insist on confusing the stupid?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  huh interesting

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  yeah sounds like he’s trying to keep it hush hush

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Sorry, dear Warchief.  It’s just so easy!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  didn’t garrosh already say that wasn’t happening?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  And it’s so fun to drop heavy things on the fools’ heads.  They make such an entertaining splat.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  yeah he did but people are still talking about it so i dont know

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Hang on brb

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  that could just be thralls cover story too

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I must admit, history isn’t terribly promising when it comes to leaders who allegedly are gone for good.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay peeps

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] yeah thats true, like everyone said we killed you a couple years ago and here you are back again

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I need to log off for a little while

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  My mom wants me to get off the computer

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  bye garrosh

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Plus she’s only been in Orgrimmar a day so I should make sure she’s not going to get lost or something

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  cya sir

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  l8r

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Be well, Warchief.  Give my best to Mother Hellscream!

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Later guys

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  So…is it always like this?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  You really don’t read the blog, do you?

You have logged off.

Aromatic Orgrimmar

Posted in EPIC VERSE with tags , , , , , , on April 24, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

org12

Okay, so, there weren’t any suggestions for today’s installment of Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge, so instead, I went back to some of the previous posts and basically yanked together a few different ideas that I hadn’t used yet.  Hence today’s installment!  Just one left, guys — this Thursday will be the last entry in our April full o’ EPIC VERSE, so I’m counting on you all to dig down deep and give me some good options to work with!  Don’t drop the ball here, folks!  YOUR WARCHIEF HAS SPOKEN!

 

A bastion standing strong in harsh terrain,
The solitary hold of Durotar,
Where all misguided sieges fall in vain:
Behold the shining might of Orgrimmar.
The sights familiar glimmer in our eyes,
And sounds echoing in ears for all to tell,
But in the Spirit Valley, what surprise
To find the touchstone sense would be the smells.
To south, the goblin stench of industry
With Kaja’Cola undercurrents waft;
To north, the pungent herbal potpourri
That trolls with hookahs spew so very oft.
     And truly, that’s the scent that takes me back,
     To days in Northrend sniffing ’round Zul’Drak.

 

EPIC VERSE!

 

 

[Header image provided by Khizzara from Blog of the Treant, used here with permission and many thanks.]

Locks in Socks

Posted in EPIC VERSE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 19, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

warlocks

Today’s installment of Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge – as always, keep those suggestions coming for next time in the comments section!

 

Locks
Socks
Docks
Brox

Brox on docks.

Locks in socks.

Brox on locks in socks on docks.

Socks on Brox and locks on docks.

Locks in socks on Brox on docks.

Trolls with bowls smoke.
Trolls with poles poke.
Trolls with poles poke bowls till holes broke.

Trolls extol their hole poke goals and
Trolls console their souls, smoke bowls and
Troll patrols troll souls with smoke and
Troll bowl smoke soaks folk who choke.

First I’ll make a troll bowl smoke hole.
Then I’ll make a troll pole poke hole.

You can make a troll bowl smoke hole.
You can make a troll pole poke hole.

And here’s a new goal, Mr. Brox…
Socks on trolls who troll on locks.
Locks on docks steal souls from trolls and
Trolls sans souls put pox on locks.

Now we come to DoTs and HoTs, sir.
DoTs and HoTs go tick and tock, sir.
DoT go tick and HoTs go tock, sir.
Try to say this, Mr. Brox, sir.

DoTs on hawks tick.
HoTs on Brox tock.
Six sick clicks DoT
Six hawk flocks up.

Hawk flocks DoT-up
Shock stalks fel pup.
Fel pup stalks hawk flocks to hell, yup.
Hawk flocks’ yell shocks fel pup locks and
Fel pups smell up dell on walks.

Now you try it, Mr. Brox, sir.
It is time we let you talk, sir.

“Please, sir.  I don’t like this game, sir.
I am not this frigging lame, sir.
I get all the trolls and docks, sir,
Mixed up with the souls and socks, sir.
I can’t do it, Mr. Lock, sir.”

I’m so sorry, Mr. Brox, sir.

Here’s an easy game to play.
Here’s an easy thing to say…

Mean orcs.
Clean forks.
Seen forks?
Green orcs!

Green orcs eat pork meat with clean forks.
Clean orc forks beat sweet pork spleen corks.

Green orcs put clean forks in spleen meat.
Mean orcs put corks in sweet Tweet greet.

“That’s not easy, Mr. Lock, sir.”

Who limps?
Imp limps.
Sly wimp imp limps.

Who stocks sly wimp imps with limps?
Locks in socks stock imps with limps.
Wimp imp limps shock locks in socks while
Locks’ wimp imps stock box of socks.

Sly imps spy on locks in socks and
Spry imps, my, throw rocks at locks.
Limp rocks imp walks, blimp sky high! and
Wimp imp pimps for succubi.

“Hold on, hold on!  That was stretching!
Those last few have got me retching!
That last one was rather lewd, sir.
I think you are very rude, sir!”

Sorry, sorry, Mr. Brox, sir.
Let’s continue our nice talk, sir.

Chen comes.
Genn comes.
Chen’s friends, then some.
Chen brings Genn cheer.
Genn brings Chen beer.

Genn mends Chen’s cheer.
Chen blends Genn’s beer.
Chen’s blends.
Genn’s mends.
Chen-blend beer spills.
Genn-mend cheer fills.

Chen’s chums.  Genn’s glum.
Chen’s friends bend some.

Chen’s friends bend Genn’s cheer austere and
Genn’s blend tends to clear Chen’s fears.

Chen’s friends!  Ten friends!
Mend Genn!  When, Genn?
Chen’s ten friends send beer to Rend, sir.
Genn’s glum trend, forfend, the end, sir.

“My poor mouth can’t say that.  No, sir.
My poor mouth is much too slow, sir.”

Well, then…let’s relieve your lungs.
I will lift this Curse of Tongues.

Let’s have a little talk about squabblin’ goblins…

What do you know about squabblin’ goblins?  Well…

When squabblin’ goblins bicker,
It’s called squabblin’ goblin babble.

And when they babble even quicker,
It’s called squabblin’ goblin gabble babble.

AND when squabblin’ goblins babble during Scrabble in a gabble,
They call it a squabblin’ goblin Scrabble gabble babble.

AND…

When goblins squabble goblins in a Scrabble gabble babble
And the goblin gabble babble is a quibble over Scrabble,
…they call this a squabblin’ goblin Scrabble quibble gabble babble.

AND…

When the goblins have these quibbles over Scrabble when they babble and the goblins scribble gabbles over Scrabble taking “tribbles”…
…they call this a quibble babble tribble gabble squabblin’ Scrabble goblin scribble.

AND…

“Lock in socks, that’s quite enough, sir.
I won’t say this silly stuff, sir.
All this babble hurts my head, sir.
I’ll go back to being dead, sir.”

 

EPIC VERSE!

 

(Side note, by the way – I really feel like this poem, and Orc Lemon Squares from the other day, are really screaming out for illustrations.  So if any of you are artistically inclined and think you might be interested in helping to enhance your Warchief’s EPIC VERSE to its fullest potential, contact me at garrosh1337@gmail.com.  THAT IS AN ORDER.)

 

 

[Header image provided by Khizzara from Blog of the Treant, used here with permission and many thanks.]

Go East, young orc

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 15, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

zeppelins

This might seem a little overdue, but I’ve been thinking lately that after Zaela turned out to be doing…sort of…an iffy job keeping the Dragonmaw on task out there in the Twilight Highlands, it might be a good idea for me to start paying a few inspection visits to some of our outposts out in the Eastern Kingdoms.  Keep the field commanders on their toes, inspire the troops, all that good stuff.

Thing is, though, traveling around most places in the Eastern Kingdoms is seriously a giant pain in the ass.  Okay, we’ve got a convenient portal from Orgrimmar to Dragonmaw Port, but beyond that it gets pretty dicey.  Yeah, I could have mages open portals for me to locations over there, and I’ve been known to do that now and then in emergencies, but see, most of our committed mages here in Orgrimmar are trolls.  When there’s an actual emergency going on, or it’s urgent that I get somewhere quickly for something important, like say that time I had to take the fast track to Krom’gar in Stonetalon, they’re fine…but short of that, half the time they just take it as an occasion to fuck with me.  Portals to the wrong places, or worse yet, they’ll play portal roulette – put up three or four or five portals all right on top of each other, so I’m not sure which one I’m taking until I’ve gone through.  So yeah, it’s an option, but it’s a damn annoying one.

So other than Dragonmaw Port, pretty much anywhere else you wind up having to take a boat or a zeppelin, and I don’t exactly have a great track record with either one of those.  Plus then I have to make arrangements to bring Mortimer out there with me, because let me tell you, the flight path options out there are some slim pickings.  Not a whole lot of wyverns to choose from, and even the ones they have aren’t much of a match for the sturdy Kalimdor stock.  And beyond junior varsity wyverns?  You’ve got giant bats, which are a little short on the steady and a long on the bitey for my tastes.  And I’m sorry, there’s just no fucking way in hell you’re ever going to see me riding around on a dragonhawk.  Not least of all because most of them look like they would snap in two if I ever actually sat on them.

So, point being, if I’m going to take the trouble to go out there at all, I want to make sure I’m making the best possible use of my time.  Since many of you guys are out there fighting the good fight in the outer territories, I figured it might be helpful to check with you first – what regions of the Eastern Kingdoms do you think would benefit most from having me drop in and Warchief it up?

Visiting Desolace

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , on November 5, 2011 by Garrosh Hellscream

Just got back from the final part of this last inspection tour, this time making a couple stops in Desolace.  Most of the time there I was in Shadowprey Village, which, well…you know, trolls.  Wall to wall trolls.  So you can probably imagine how that went.  And I mean, they seem to be on top of things there pretty much, but I’m at a loss for what it is that these trolls find so fucking funny all the damn time.  You try to talk to them about anything, and it’s just a big laugh riot.  I’m starting to wonder if they’re all just smoking something.

I’d heard they had some pretty good seafood there, so I tried asking Lui’Mala about it, since I figured she would be in the know what with her being the fishing trainer there, but apparently the question was too damn funny for her to pull her shit together enough to answer, so yeah, on to Plan B.  I finally managed to get an answer out of Jinar’Zillen, who told me they were a little short on fish at the moment, but they’ve been bringing in some really high quality crab lately if I wanted to swim down and bring up a few of the traps.  I couldn’t help but wonder why they would actually need the fucking Warchief to go haul back his own crab traps, what with it being a fishing village where you’d think there’d be someone around whose actual fucking JOB that would be, or at the very least they’d have some random noobs to go do it just to keep them busy and out of trouble, but whatever, what with all the traveling I haven’t had the chance to do my usual swimming routine anyway, so fine.  He said they were having their best luck with the traps a little way to the north, so I swam down there, only when I got there I couldn’t see any traps anyplace – and while I was looking, this huge orca came rolling up on me and decided it was snack time.  Didn’t work out so well for him, but still.  Turns out, the orca was kind of famous around the village – name of Blubbergut apparently – so I don’t know how Jinar’Zillen could have mixed up his feeding territory with the trapping spots.  Still, that solved the whole problem with the lack of fish, so at least I got a decent lunch out of it.

After I finally got tired of trying to figuring out what all the trolls were finding so damn hilarious all the time, I ended up spending most of my time hanging out with Rokaro, a Champion of the Horde and successor to Rexxar there in Desolace.  Speaking of which, gotta say, we had a fun time exchanging Rexxar stories, since we’d both spent a lot of time with the guy, and if you know Rexxar well, trust me, you get a lot of entertaining stories about him.  Not to go spreading a lot of stories out of school (seeing as I was hardly ever actually IN school), but you know, you watch Rexxar closely and it’s not too hard to connect the dots.  Hangs out with a bear all the time, always wearing a weird wolf mask…well, you do the math.  Although I have to admit the bear thing is kind of cool…it would be nice if we could at least get Rokaro a worg or something.

We ended up swinging by the Mannroc Coven for a while, which is this area that’s overrun with demons that had been summoned by the Burning Blade.  We spent a little time wiping out a few dozen of them just kicks, but these were pretty obviously low demons on the demon totem pole, so they were really easy to kill, and after a little while it just started getting boring.  So we just headed back and figured we’d leave the rest of them to be finished off by some aspiring adventurers, um, looking for…you know…some critical mission vital to the survival of the Horde.  Or some shit like that.

 

 

[Header image provided by Angelya from Revive and Rejuvenate, used here with permission and many thanks.]

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