Archive for translationmaster 2000

Monday mailbag

Posted in Mailbag with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 19, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

Well, I asked for reports from the field, and as always, my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS stepped up to the plate and delivered.  There were a bunch of you who offered your scouting reports from Pandaria in the comments on my original post – I’d recommend having a look if you missed them, so you can see some of the early recon reports along with my responses – while some of you decided to write in to me directly.

So, let’s have at it.

 

This first one was actually posted as an open letter on Vanicus’ blog, which I’m reproducing here:

Dear Warchief,

You requested reports from the field in Pandaria. I have recently been on assignment in the southernmost part of the continent, in an area known as the Krasarang Wilds. It was there that I ran into a bipedal reptilian species known as the Saurok. I was fighting three of these creatures when, unbeknownst to me, a fourth unstealthed behind me. Suddenly this flying ball of fur and claws whipped past my head, and when I bested my opponents and turned around, this tiny windrider cub had attached himself to the Saurok’s face. Henceforth, he has followed me everywhere, and, given his bravery, loyalty, and ability to watch my back even at such a young age, I thought it appropriate to give him a worthy name. I have long been an admirer of your own Mortimer, and hope that mine will live up to the name.

 

F.Y.V.

–Crusader Vanicus, Krasarang Wilds

Okay, so you know what, Vanicus?  That’s just fantastic.  Glad to see you getting on board the wyverns-are-awesome bandwagon.  Believe me, you won’t regret keeping the little guy around.  If anything, he’s sure to provide you with heaps of entertainment when enemies underestimate him and then promptly find themselves getting WTFpwned.

One recommendation, though – make sure you’re diligent about keeping your food stored away somewhere he can’t get to it.  And do NOT underestimate the little furball when you’re sizing up “somewhere he can’t get to it.”  Those wyverns are RESOURCEFUL.  Seriously.  I’m at least 80% sure that a group of wyverns could cure cancer tomorrow if they thought there was a crate of fresh clefthoof steak in it for them.  And the last thing you need with ANY pet is for them to start getting fat, much less a pet whose calling card is the ability to FLY.

Side note, by the way – I’ve gotten a few notices on the Krasarang Wilds area.  Sounds like an interesting place, definitely worth keeping in mind for future operations.  It also seems like a fairly tropical area, which I have to say sounds kind of odd.  Follow along with me here: Pandaria is in the southern end of the ocean.  The Krasarang Wilds cover the southernmost part of the continent.  Which means that that zone should be relatively close to Azeroth’s south pole, so…you know…shouldn’t it be kind of COLD there?  Rather than all jungly and hospitable for cold-blooded reptilian races?

I mean, I would boggle more at the utter weirdness of Azerothian geography that it apparently gets WARMER as you go from the equator to the south pole, but then again, I hail from the shattered remains of a planet consisting of one big, flat chunk of rock that somehow still manages to maintain an atmosphere and gravitational field.  So, you know, who am I to criticize?

 

Dear Warchief,

I have begun my exploration of Pandaria as you requested.  I am currently focusing my attention on a region called the Valley of the Four Winds.  I must admit that my exploration has slowed down a lot here as the locals have offered me the chance to take up farming!  This was very new and exciting for me.  Having grown up in Silvermoon, I never had the chance to take up agriculture.  With all the mages, we would usually just conjure up our food.  You wouldn’t believe the difference it makes to have the fresh grown variety!

I would highly recommend paying a visit here when you have the chance, if only for the cuisine.  I’ve always been an amateur cook (I even made my EO character the chef class!) and I’m amazed by the variety of cooking styles here.  There are whole schools of recipes, like the wok, the grill, the steamer, etc.  I may need to get out of here before I get fat.

–Tandeleina, Halfhill

Oh come on now – you’re a blood elf, right?  Has a blood elf EVER gotten fat?  Or is that just because of the whole magic addiction thing?  Once you start using the Arcane Patch, does that put you in danger of putting on some pounds?

Anyway, Tandeleina, thanks for writing.  I guess it’ll be a good thing that our troops will be eating well once they get down there.  I can’t say I’m surprised that the pandas went all out developing different styles of cooking, considering how seriously they take their beer-brewing.  Eat, drink, and be merry, right?

Also, since you mentioned Earth Online, can I just say how MADDENING it is to level the cooking secondary profession there?  Maybe it’s different when it’s your actual character class, but those recipes are INSANE.  They use like ten times as many ingredients as anything in real life, and the process of cooking them is so ridiculously long and complicated.  I don’t know how ANYONE has the patience to level that shit up.

 

Greetings, Warchief:

I have spent most of my time in Pandaria studying the geology and mineralogy of this new continent.  I am pleased to report an unusually high concentration of a new metal ore in this region, (called “ghost iron” by the local residents).  Said ore contains a great number of high quality (and very beautiful) gems which are able to absorb and store an astonishing amount of magical essence — almost six and a half times more than the highest quality of gem previously known.  Day by day I continue my research in this area.  I believe my findings shall be most profitable.

However, this new continent may provide the solution to an even more desperate material concern: that of provisioning our armies and feeding our citizens.  I am no agricultural expert, but even I can tell that gaining control of the region known as the Valley of the Four Winds would solve this problem at a stroke.  Since words are insufficient to explain what I mean, I have enclosed a picture:

As you can see, this land is incredibly fertile and produces vegetables the size of which can scarcely be comprehended.  Local farmers attribute the size of their crops to the magical waters that pour into the valley.  I respectfully recommend further research into the properties of this water.

There are a few other oddities that might deserve further study.  For instance, I have no idea what to make of the flocks of flying turtles:

They seemed harmless enough… but one can never be too certain.  I noticed a mage running around near the turtles cackling maniacally, so perhaps the turtles have some detrimental effect on the mind?  So I killed them.  The turtles and the mage.  Just to be safe.

Finally, I hear that you are looking to procure new creatures for gladiatorial combat.  Might I recommend pitting some of the Pandarian virmen against some murlocs?

Respectfully Yours,

–Karalina, Valley of the Four Winds

Thanks for writing, Karalina, but man, what’s up with everybody thinking with their stomachs today?  Do you know Tandeleina?  Were you two roommates at Silvermoon University or something, and took on the freshman fifteen together?

So, on the plus side, HOLY CRAP them’s some huge vegetables.  On the down side…well, they’re frigging VEGETABLES.  Show me a magical, bottomless source of 800-pound slabs of bacon, and THEN I’ll be impressed.  Still, I suppose the giant rabbit food must be good for something.  Other than, you know, raising giant rabbits.  Or are you going to tell me they have those out there, too?  Point being, though, I suppose giant carrots and cabbages and such would probably be pretty handy to someone.  They’d probably go over like gangbunsters at the salad bars they have up in Silvermoon.  And they might actually make for a nice finishing touch over in the Valley of Spirits, come to think of it.  (You trolls wanted more food?  WELL HERE YOU GO, HAVE SOME MORE MOTHERFUCKING FOOD.)

Interesting about the water up there, though.  Definitely something to follow up on.  I may see about getting Faranell down there on assignment to do some alchemical research on the stuff.  You know, as soon as I can arrange for some supervision for him, to make sure he doesn’t default to old habits and next thing we know the whole valley is one giant orchard of 50-pound PlagueApples.  (I can just hear him now – “Well no, green apple is a very popular flavor these days.” “GREEN apple, Edwin, not fucking GREEN AND FUMING NOXIOUS VAPORS…”)

What are these “virmen” things, by the way?  Whatever they are, gotta admit, setting ANYTHING up to kill murlocs for my amusement is going to be a pretty easy sell.

 

This letter arrives on a very, very long scroll of parchment which is almost completely covered in drawings. The words of the letter are scattered almost randomly throughout the sketches of Kalimdor creatures, and the ink colors of both drawings and words span the entire rainbow. Surprisingly, the handwriting is rather legible, despite a few mirrored letters and shaky lines.

Deer Mr Warcheif Sir,

Mr U and Mr D hav bin very nice to me. They told me what you sed, and I hav sum ansers for you. I had cak becuz I askd for it, and becuz I wud hav made it myself if no one did for me. I sed so, and evryon ran around making cak for me. It was funni. I did meet Mr D to, but he dosnt lik me as much as Mr U dos. Mr U is trying to help me rite and spell bettr to. He helpd me find tings to do to. Iv helpd a lot of peeple now, and they all gav me munny and new armer. I also lerned how to fly! Mr U and Mr D are jellis, becuz I can turn into a burd and they cant. They cant fly unless they hav wind riders. Now that I can fly, Im a big drewd. I was going to com see you and ask if I can help you, but Mr U and Mr D told me that when they talk to you, they get hit and dont get to say what they want to say. I was skerd youd hit me too. So I wrot a lettr insted. Can I help you? Im a big drewd now, and I want to do things like Mr U and Mr D get to.

The letter is signed with an inky pawprint and the name “Taktani” in multicolored inks.

Oh boy.  Here we go again.  Hang on a second while I fire up the TranslationMaster 2000 for this.

TranslationMaster 2000
© Fizzletrinket Technologies
Your free trial period has expired.  Please register your paid copy and enter your registration code in the field below.

…The FUCK?!  Spazzle set up a fucking paid registration system for this thing?!  Since when has he been trying to milk money out of people with his little dorky side projects?  Oh yeah, I forgot, he’s a GOBLIN, so I guess the answer to that would be since fucking EVER.  I’ll have to remember to strangle a registration code out of him later.

Anyway, I think I can handle this one myself.  I hope.

Okay, so apparently she’s hanging around with Dontrag and Utvoch, which, you know, better her than me.

I did meet Mr D to, but he dosnt lik me as much as Mr U dos.

Holy freaking hell, I hope this is just the dumbass illiterate way she spells “like.”  Please, please, spirits help me, for the love of all that’s good and vengeful, tell me she means “like” here, because if it’s option B, I seriously don’t know if I’ll be able to live.

Mr U is trying to help me rite and spell bettr to.

Riddle me this, Rexxar: which is more horrifying, the idea of Utvoch TEACHING someone writing skills, or the fact that the student in question could probably legitimately use his help?

I’m pretty sure language itself just threw up in its mouth a little.

I also lerned how to fly! Mr U and Mr D are jellis, becuz I can turn into a burd and they cant. They cant fly unless they hav wind riders.

Hey now, go ahead and enjoy your damn druid flight form, but you watch what you say about windriders, little Miss Veal Chop on Wings.  We’ve already covered the wyvern pride in this mailbag.

I was going to com see you and ask if I can help you, but Mr U and Mr D told me that when they talk to you, they get hit and dont get to say what they want to say. I was skerd youd hit me too. So I wrot a lettr insted.

D&U have sadly misinformed you if they’ve led you to believe that continuing to send me these letters would DECREASE the chance of your getting smacked around.  I swear, between D&U’s talking and this chick’s writing, it’s like they’re coordinating to make sure they’ve got mental anguish for Garrosh covered across every medium.

Anyway, though…since it seems like you really do want to help, and you’ve cleared out all the busywork in Kalimdor…  Why don’t you drop by the Dark Portal and see if they can use any help in Outland.  I bet they’ll have lots of stuff for you to do.  Hell, I hear your Cenarion druid hippie buddies even have a whole thing going on out there.  That should keep you occupied for a while.  (And seriously, I’m kind of disappointed in myself for not thinking of this until now – why did it not occur to me that I could frigging send Dontrag and Utvoch TO ANOTHER PLANET?)

 

Greetings Warchief,

I have made a grave mistake.  I am a Pandaren from the Wandering Island and decided to take up traveling after meeting some strangers from the Alliance and Horde.  I was told I would have to pick which faction I wished to join.  I decided on joining the Alliance because Aysa Cloudsinger was a cousin of mine.  It was a big mistake.  Varian Wyrnn is a complete pushover.  I was able to easily knock him down when he asked for a sparring session.  I need a leader that instill fear into his enemies and Varian is clearly not the one to do that.  I humbly ask if you would allow me to join the Horde so that I may hold my head high when I am fighting.

Eagerly awaiting your answer,

–Windblossom, Stormwind

You know, when the Huojin Pandaren showed up in Orgrimmar, I gave them all this big speech about how any of their panda friends who chose to side with the Alliance were dead to them now.  And I’d already decided that I was going to stick to a “You made your bed, now lie in it” policy for any pandas who had gone to the other side.

But you know…

Heh.

In this case, I’ve gotta say…

Hehe.  Heh heh.  Hehehe heh.

Hehe.

Hehe heh HAH hahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THAT’S just FUCKING AWESOME.

<looks at picture again>

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAAAAAA!!!!

<chucklecrying>

Welcome to the Horde, Windblossom.  F.Y.V.!

That’s it for this week, kids.  I need to go find a tissue.  Holy shit, my sides hurt.

 

 

HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH HEE HEEEE HAAA!

Fuck I love my readers.

<snort>

Monday mailbag

Posted in Mailbag with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 5, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

So now that THAT whole pain in the ass down in Karazhan is over with, it’s time to get to some overdue mail.  Hopefully now that I’m out of the Opera House, nobody will spontaneously burst into song.  Although, true fact: much to my surprise, Utvoch turns out to have a downright enchanting singing voice.  Who knew?

Anyway, let’s have a look at what we’ve got this time around…

 

Hail, Warchief!

Nothing much to say, but … OOOOHHHHHH YEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHH!

Naysayers there may be, but they should know this: Theramore was an intact government center, a base for munitions and supplies, and an important logistical link for Alliance forces in the Barrens. It is now none of these things.

(And bonus points for anyone who can recognize the EO NPC I swiped the quote from!)

–A Concerned Citizen

Hey, ACC.  Glad you had a good time on the Theramore mission.

That said…look, I’m glad that you’re all-in for this war with the Alliance, and believe you me, it’s nice to have frigging SOMEBODY around here who doesn’t go all “pooh-pooh, oh heavens, how could you, Garrosh?” over every single act of war taken against the fuckers with whom, you know, we’re at war.  So that’s all good stuff.

But dude…you’re REALLY enjoying this a little too much.  Dial down the bloodthirsty just a LITTLE, will you?  And seriously, do you really understand how bad it has to be to make ME have to say that?

Also, I totally know where you got that quote from, but I’ll hold off on saying anything so everyone else can have a crack at it in the comments or the next batch of letters.  I’ll give you all a hint, though — the NPC that ACC is riffing on isn’t someone you interact with directly in the game, but he shows up in one of those cut scenes that they use to fill in some of the in-game backstory.  Now have at it, lore nerds — AND NO GOOGLING!

 

This letter arrives with the crumbling remains of what might have once been a piece of cake, and when opened, fills the reader’s lap with loose glitter. It is written in multiple colors of ink, liberally dusted with more glitter. In the margins are sketches, mostly of Ashenvale, though orcs feature prominently near the bottom. The handwriting is shaky and wanders across the page, but is mostly legible.

Deer Mr Warcheif Sir,

It was my berth-day yestirday! I am 20. I had lots of cak. I sent you sum. I hop you like it. After cak, Mr Hi Cheiftin Bane askd me to go to Ashnval. He wasnt mad that I drew on his reports. Evryon else was tho. They all got so mad when they saw. All I did was mak them pretti! Mr Banes reports wer just wirds, lots and lots and lots and lots of wirds, and thats boring. I mad them less boring. But they all got mad. So after they gav me cak they had Mr Bane ask me to go to Ashnval. Its pretti in Ashnval! Its all sparkli and glittri! I hop you like glittr. I sent you sum. And I met Mr U agin! He told me what you sed, Mr Warcheif Sir. He red it from a glowi thing he sed was calld a kumputr. I want a kumputr to. They look lik fun. He was playng what he called Urth Onlin. That looks lik fun to. He sed you play Urth Onlin to, Mr Warcheif Sir. Can I play to?

The letter is signed with an inked pawprint and the name “Taktani” in multicolored inks. 

Hoo boy.

Okay, well, maybe it’s just my imagination, but I think her spelling is at least a little better than last time.

Slightly.

Okay, yeah, maybe not.  HEAD HURTS.

Luckily, I think I’ve got a way to make this a little less painful, courtesy of Spazzle.  See, the little green dude’s been tinkering around with a computer app that converts other languages and dialects into Common, so maybe we can give it a whirl and see what we get.  Here goes…

Taktani said:  It was my berth-day yestirday! I am 20. I had lots of cak. I sent you sum. I hop you like it.
TranslationMaster 2000 says:  Yesterday was my 20th birthday.  I had lots of cake.  I’ve sent you some.  I hope you like it.

Okay, so far so good.  So first of all, happy birthday, I guess, as of like a month ago, based on the date of this letter.

Second of all, yeah, I like cake, but like…this stuff you enclosed in the letter?  That shit ain’t cake.  Maybe it was cake when you sent it, but it sure as hell isn’t cake now.  Now it’s like the Granular Substance Formerly Known as Cake.  Never mind it being edible — at this point it looks more like something that might try to crawl out of Faranell’s lab.  Matter of fact, excuse me for a second while I go kill it before it develops language skills.  Which, in the process, by the way, it might still end up beating out the writer of this particular letter.

But third of all — WTF you had CAKE for your birthday?  You’re a TAUREN, and you had lots of CAKE?!  I went to Thunder Bluff for BAINE’S birthday, and the only snacks they had were jerky and pine nuts and…like…hay…and yet YOU somehow manage to get fucking CAKE?  How the hell does THAT happen?

Taktani said:  After cak, Mr Hi Cheiftin Bane askd me to go to Ashnval. He wasnt mad that I drew on his reports. Evryon else was tho. They all got so mad when they saw. All I did was mak them pretti! Mr Banes reports wer just wirds, lots and lots and lots and lots of wirds, and thats boring. I mad them less boring. But they all got mad.
TranslationMaster 2000 says:  After cake, High Chieftain Baine Bloodhoof sent me to Ashenvale.  He wasn’t mad that I drew on his reports, but everyone else was when they saw what I had done.  All I did was make them pretty!  Baine’s reports were just enormous walls of text (possibly ghost-written by Tirion).  I cut down on the TL;DR factor by making them less boring.  But everyone (other than Baine) got mad.

So I’ve got to say, I am endlessly amused by the thought that Taktani apparently doodled all over Baine’s reports and then Baine’s advisors all started getting pissy over it.  It kind of reminds me of the first couple months I was Warchief — sometimes I would get bored filling out requisition forms and scribble a few little pictures in the margins, and Eitrigg would get all uptight over it when he went to review the forms.  Personally I kind of liked the little cartoon stick-figure of Thrall I came up with, with the word balloon going “BLAH BLAH BLAH I’M SO AWESOME,” but that seemed to make Eitrigg especially cranky.

Also, I think this might explain why Baine’s last few reports have come in kind of late.

Taktani said:  So after they gav me cak they had Mr Bane ask me to go to Ashnval. Its pretti in Ashnval! Its all sparkli and glittri! I hop you like glittr. I sent you sum.
TranslationMaster 2000 says:  After my birthdaycake, Baine’s irate advisors demanded he send me to Ashenvale.  It’s pretty in Ashenvale!  It’s all sparkly and glittery.  I hope you like glitter, which I say without irony because I’ve clearly never met you or formed any accurate sense of your actual personality.  I sent you some, collected directly from the trees of Ashenvale, which ooze glitter in the same way normal trees exude sap.

OMG NOT THE FUCKING GLITTER AGAIN.  If there’s one thing I hate about Ashenvale, other than the demonic influence, and the Alliance strongholds, and the fact that our western operations are being inexplicably stymied by the fucking Thistlefur furbolgs, and the lingering bitterness of my mother appearing to have been killed in Demon Fall Canyon, and the less said about my whole bright idea with the magnataur the better…yeah, other than that stuff, if there’s one thing I hate about Ashenvale?  THE FUCKING GLITTER.

Taktani said:  And I met Mr U agin! He told me what you sed, Mr Warcheif Sir. He red it from a glowi thing he sed was calld a kumputr. I want a kumputr to. They look lik fun.
TranslationMaster2000:  And I met Utvoch again!  He read me your answer to my last letter from his computer.  I want a computer, too.  They look like fun.

Okay, so I guess she must have crossed paths with Dontrag and Utvoch while he was on his way back to Stonetalon after the post-Theramore non-celebration business.  Also you’ll notice from that last sentence just how unnatural it is to see someone talking about just ONE of the Dumbass Duo.  I have to admit I’m more than a little disturbed by this.  I’m not sure if Taktani somehow missed the fact that there was a SECOND imbecile there, or if something even more baffling happened and something actually SEPARATED those two, which as far as I know has only happened once before and it took the insistence of a fucking DRAGON ASPECT to make happen.

And speaking of disturbing details, is anybody else starting to really, really worry that the writer who penned this literary masterpiece of a letter is apparently hanging out with UTVOCH?  And…now wants a computer?  Does anyone else see this potential perfect storm of virtual brain cancer in the making?

So, you know what?  No.  No, you can’t have a computer.  Ever.

Taktani said:  He was playng what he called Urth Onlin. That looks lik fun to. He sed you play Urth Onlin to, Mr Warcheif Sir. Can I play to?
TranslationMaster 2000 says:  Utvoch was playing Earth Online.  That looks fun, too, which is a peculiar thing to say, insofar as most MMO’s barely even look fun to the people actually playing them.  He said you also play Earth Online, Mr. Warchief.  Can I play, too?

No.  No, you can’t.  You cannot play Earth Online too.  A thousand gallons of no.  See the reasons above, then add about 73 additional ones.  For instance, here’s #27: I do not want to get stuck being the one having to explain to her the “Anal [Class Ability]” jokes in trade chat.  (Especially if I feel like I came up with a particularly clever one, because it just plain spoils the fun when you have to explain your own jokes.)

Also, random thought here, but some of these translations are a lot more pointed than I would have expected.  Go figure.

Anyway, Taktani…instead of getting a computer and playing Earth Online — neither of which things you should ever do, like ever in the everest of ever — I’d recommend knocking yourself out up there in Ashenvale on all the busywork very important missions we have up there.  If you run out of things to do over there, maybe swing by Stonetalon.  Wait, hang on, D&U are in Stonetalon, scratch that.  Try Desolace instead.  Desolace or the Southern Barrens.  On paper those areas might be a little dangerous for you, but who are we kidding?  We’re way too conservative sizing up the danger levels of the different territories, and most of the time when we send people to their assignments they just wind up facerolling shit.  Be a little ambitious.  Go nuts.  Which I kinda think you might already have, anyway.

I think that’s about as much as my will to live can take for one day, so let’s wrap it up here and be back in a couple weeks with more reader mail.  As always, keep those e-mails coming to garrosh1337@gmail.com.

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