Monday mailbag

So I was finally able to get a decent internet connection going again, long enough to get my mail sorted out, and I figured since I have a decent bunch of letters from you peeps, and I haven’t offered any mailbag love for a while, I might as well do just that.  Because you know me – your Warchief is nothing if not all about the love.

 

Hail, Warchief!

It’s my first weekend back in Silvermoon in I don’t know how long, and man, is the mood different around here these days. Whether you’re going to think that’s good news or bad news depends on how you interpret that.

Remember my first letter? The one where I was basically advocating high treason against the Regent-Lord? A lot of us used to be dissatisfied that he was doing a whole bunch of nothing. The impression around here, at least if you believe the spin from the Silvermoon Star-Tribune, is that the Regent-Lord’s approval numbers are way up since he started getting jiggy with it down in Pandaria. Yes, the Star-Tribune is calling what Lor’themar’s doing down there “decisive leadership” and “proactive management”. And the public seems to be buying it.

Either that, or they’re just glad that he’s somewhere else, and hoping he eats a Mogu hammer somewhere along the way. That’s the other way to look at it.

To be honest, I’m not sure which one I’m buying, yet. That’s something I’ll have to think about when I get back to Pandaria.

–A Concerned Citizen

Hey, ACC.  You know, my first reaction here is that people probably ARE a little happier about Lori because he’s been away.  Problem is, if that were true, you’d think that I would start finding him less annoying since he’s gone BACK to Silvermoon recently.  But…nope.  He high-tailed it out of Pandaria, then promptly made a big ol’ cluster fuck of that whole business with the sha box…and the less said about the sideshow going on in my Earth Online guild, the better.  I suppose it’s still a LITTLE less irritating, but only because I don’t have to listen to him live and in person.  At least until he comes strolling back down here again.

Also, not for nothing, but are you sure the reports in your little dorky newspaper are reliable?  Who’s doing the writing?  It’s amazing what a little propaganda can do for a ruler’s perception.  Or so I’ve heard.

 

Dear Warchief,

I’ve been following some of your interactions with Lord Theron and I was wondering if you limited your observations to him or if you think all Blood Elves are like that.

I’ve been in Pandaria just about since the beginning (but I can’t explain how Anduin got away–that was General Nazgrim’s job, not mine) and have tried to do my part for the Horde.  Also: Pandaren don’t seem to have barbers.  Anywhere.  Not a one on this damn continent.  You should give us credit for coming here anyways even with that sacrifice.

Respectfully,

–Vyrin Dawnstar, Shrine of Two Moons, Pandaria

P.S: If anyone told you about Anduin and the Temple of the Red Crane, I deny it all.  Not me.  Nope.  Must’ve been someone else helping him.  If that hasn’t been brought to your attention yet, please ignore this part.

Hmm…  Well, Vyrin, I guess that depends on what you mean by “all blood elves are like that.”  I mean, like what?  Spindly and break-easy-ish?  Because, well, sorry, but you guys kind of are.  A little too preoccupied with the uber-luxurious hair?  I refer you to your second paragraph.  (By the by, I think the lack of barbers in Pandaria is because the pandas just shed.  Can you imagine the cleanup crews you’d need in Silvermoon if the elves were like that?)  That said, I DON’T think all blood elves are like ol’ Eyepatch in the absolutely-completely-utterly-useless department.  I mean, Lady Liadrin has always struck me as pretty sharp and on top of things, and…um…okay, give me a minute here, I’m sure I can come up with a second example.

Hang on.

Um…

Okay, I’m going to have to get back to you on this, but seriously, I’ve got a…reasonably strong suspicion there’s at least one more I can name.

Also, though, what?  Anduin at the Temple of the Red Crane?  I’ve heard some scouting reports about that Red Crane place, actually.  I may have to do some followup on that place…

 

My Dearest Warchief,

That scar on your lip is so sexy. It makes you look very manly and tough. I’ve been wondering though how you got it. I’m sure there is some extraordinary tale of bravery and valor associated with it. I’d like to hear it.

Your devoted admirer,

–Wega

Hoo boy.  Here we go again with Wega.  So…yeah… For those of you who maybe haven’t noticed, Wega is talking about the scar I have on the right side of my upper lip:

So, okay, I know you’d probably figure I got the scar from some glorious battle, or one of the times I’ve squared off with Varian, or something else like that, but as it turns out, it was really more of a fluke injury.  One night about a year and a half ago, give or take, I was trying to reorganize some of my junk in Grommash Hold, and I was stashing a couple boxes of stuff on a high shelf.  While I was stretching up to reach the shelf, I lost my footing and fell over.  Now, ordinarily that wouldn’t have been a big deal, except it just so happened that Mortimer was there with me, and was curled up on the floor sound asleep.  Until I slipped and fell, and landed right on top of him, and he was so startled that before he knew what was going on, he snapped at me.  And, yeah, got a nice chunk of my lip.

So, that was fun.

Gotta say, though, in a way it was kind of endearing afterward – once Mortimer knew what was going on, he DID act all sad and apologetic, and spent the next few days following me around trying to make nice.  Once again, wyverns are better people than most people.

Now granted, having my lip cut open by wyvern fangs wasn’t exactly fun, but depending on how you look at it, I still don’t think I’ve gotten the worst of it from Mortimer.  That honor probably goes to Malkorok.  A few weeks ago, I was talking to Malkorok while I was getting ready to leave the Sanctum of Two Moons, then walked past him to the landing platform out front.  Mortimer was following along behind me, and just as he was passing Malkorok, Mortimer stopped, lifted one leg up…and fucking peed on him.  Oh man, you should have seen the look on Malky’s face.  Especially when I pointed out, “Dude, considering what that usually signifies for a wyvern, you LITERALLY just got owned.”

Heh.

Hehehe.

<snort>

 

Mr. Garrosh, sir!

I want to thank you for helping us DPS kids and, you know, stuff.

I have a question though.

What happened to all your hair? I saw pictures of you and you had hair at one time, but now you don’t. Do you plan to grow your hair again? How would you wear it?

–Ruekie, Shaman-in-Training, Domination Point

What is this, fucking “Everybody Ask Garrosh to Explain His Personal Appearance Week”?

Oh, wait, hang on, it’s one of the kids.

What is this, blankety-blank “Everybody Ask Garrosh to Explain His Personal Appearance Week”?  You kids – DO NOT read that first part from a couple lines up, YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

Anyway, yeah, Ruekie, I used to have a ponytail, right up through my time in Northrend.  I wore my hair like that going all the way back to when I was a kid.  To tell you the truth, it was pretty much the best of iffy options, as far as something I could do with my hair that would look maybe-sorta decent.  See, while Grom had a really thick, full mane of hair, I guess I must have gotten mine from my mom’s side of the family, because my hair was always fairly coarse and stringy and just…patchy all over my scalp.  Even as a kid, I pretty much had the beginnings of male pattern baldness going.  And really, it shouldn’t come as that much of a surprise that I wouldn’t have that great of a head of hair – you know the old saying, grass doesn’t grow on a busy street.

Anyway, the ponytail was just a way to yank it all together that didn’t look flat-out terrible.  Eventually, when I moved to Orgrimmar, I figured the hell with it and just cut it off.  Which first of all, is much more low-maintenance.  No more spending ten minutes every morning tugging it all together and trying to bind it up and then having the band be too loose so you start feeling it slipping out little by little all morning, or getting that one strand caught halfway through the pull-through and then feeling your roots getting pulled every time you look to one side, or…ugh, yeah, whatever.  Way easier this way.  Not to mention it’s way more practical in battle – it’s one less thing to get caught somewhere, and one less way for an enemy to grab you from behind.

Besides, much better to just embrace the baldness and go with it, rather than try to compensate with something that looks maybe-not-quite-terrible-if-you-squint-a-little.  This way, it just announces to the world, “Yes, I’m bald.  DEAL WITH IT.”  Confidence is very sexy, don’t you think?

(Maybe I shouldn’t have put it that way.  I can hear Wega scribbling out another letter as we speak…)

 

Heya Garrosh,

Cool little web form you have here.  Sometimes those techie goblins do have some good ideas.  (Not often, but sometimes.)

Anywho, my question for you this week is this: If you were to retire from warchiefin’ tomorrow, who would you choose as your successor and why?

Thanks!

–Kaija

You know, Kaija, this is actually a pretty decent question.  For all the good things about the Horde, we don’t really have a clear line of succession.  I mean, obviously if I were going to retire – presumably years down the road when I’m a gray-haired (FIGURE OF SPEECH, RUEKIE, DON’T GET EXCITED) old man basking in the triumphant glow of my many glorious victories – I would be in a position to sit back, think it over, and pick out an appropriate successor as Warchief.  But what if something happens before I have the chance to?  What if I get sick or injured?  What if somebody decides it would be a bright idea to throw me a surprise party for my 70th birthday, and the ol’ ticker finally gives out?  What if – I know this is a long shot, but still – what if I die in battle somehow before we even get to the wrinkly stage?  What then?  WHAT THEN, I ASK YOU?

So, it’s probably not a bad idea to put a little thought into who a good successor would be, and maybe establish that that person is next in line, just in case something happens.

And then, you know, make it very clear to that person that I’ve left the Kor’kron with special instructions to follow in the event that I should die under circumstances that are in any way even remotely fishy.  Such instructions including, but not limited to, the agonizingly slow execution of the successor, their siblings, their friends, their relatives, their next-door neighbors, and anyone who’s ever been seen being polite to them in public.

You know.  Just FYI.

Anyway, we might as well be systematic about this, so I’m going to review some of the likely candidates to follow me as Warchief – and just for shits and giggles, I’m going to group them into suitable categories and even give my best estimate at their odds of getting the nod.  Place your bets now.

 

THE “OH SNAP DID I SAY THAT” DIVISION

VOL’JIN
1,000,000 to 1

Not really an option, because guess what, bitches?  HE’S DEAD.  HAHAHA <snort> that cracks me up more than it probably should.

 

THE “I GUESS I’M OBLIGATED TO AT LEAST MENTION THEM” DIVISION 

JASTOR GALLYWIX
999,995 to 1

I mean…I guess he’s technically leader of the Bilgewater goblins, but… Well, like, does anybody even know where the fuck he IS half the time?  I’m pretty sure the only times I’ve ever seen him were at the meeting of Horde leaders to prepare for the Theramore attack, and the celebration in Orgrimmar afterward.  And, well, with the meeting, I pretty much sent notices to every goblin I could think of and then crossed my fingers hoping that word would reach him.  And at the celebration…yeah, mountains of free food and booze, so of course he was going to show up for that.  Honestly, I don’t get why the guy’s so low-profile.  He had a fucking pleasure palace built in Azshara, and you can’t even find him THERE.  Believe you me, if I ever commissioned the construction of Garrosh’s Pleasure Palace, you could call off the search parties, my ass would be there.

Hmm.  Hang on a second, I need to jot something down on next month’s agenda planner.

 

LOR’THEMAR THERON
500,000 to 1

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA… Yeah, sure, this guy as Warchief.  Do I really even need to elaborate here?  Come on.

 

SYLVANAS WINDRUNNER
200,000 to 1

You know, she would actually be a pretty strong candidate – to her credit, she IS intelligent, charismatic, and competent – if she didn’t creep the living FUCK out of everyone.  Not to mention make you worry that she might then replace that aforementioned living fuck with some kind of weird-ass UNDEAD fuck under her control.

 

BAINE BLOODHOOF
150,000 to 1

He’s a great warrior, he takes good care of his people, and you can practically see Cairne when you look in his eyes (not that that makes me at all awkward, no sir).  He’s also freaking Vol’jin Lite what with the bitching and the moaning and the OMG Garrosh how could you.  Because if there’s one thing you don’t want to stand for, it’s actually GOING TO WAR with the people you are ALLEGEDLY AT WAR WITH.  Last thing the Horde needs is a fucking carebear in charge.  And Thrall me no Thralls – Guy Smiley sat on his hands way too much too.

 

THE “I BET YOU DIDN’T THINK I KNEW ABOUT THIS MEME” DIVISION 

A BASIC CAMPFIRE
5000 to 1

HAHA SEE I BET YOU ASSHOLES DIDN’T THINK I HAD A SENSE OF HUMOR ABOUT THAT SHIT.

 

THE “DIDN’T YOU RETIRE LIKE TWENTY YEARS AGO” DIVISION

DREK’THAR
500 to 1

Chieftain of the Frostwolf clan and friend to Durotan way back in the day.  Lived through the corruption of the orcs, but refused to drink the blood of Mannoroth – granted it was largely because Durotan ordered the Frostwolves not to, but it still shows a certain level of principle AND loyalty to his clan all at the same time.  Greatmother speaks about him just fondly enough to make me feel uncomfortable.  The main down side, other than being blind and spending most of his time getting rolled around in a wheelchair by Captain Galvanger these days, is that since the Cataclysm…well…not to be mean, but let’s face it.  Dude has just gone batshit senile.  And that’s not even getting into the whole thing with him shitting himself.  I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again.  Old age is not kind.

 

EITRIGG
200 to 1

He’s been around for ages, advised both me and Thrall, has watched over Orgrimmar while I’ve been down here in Pandaria, and has always been staunchly devoted to the well-being of the Horde.  If we had some kind of lifetime achievement award to dole out, I would sign him up for it tomorrow, even if he DID get a little grumbly with me over the Theramore thing.  Who didn’t, right?  Shows what those fuckers know.  Anyway.  The point is, though, as much as I like Eitrigg, he’s pretty much one of those guys who’s basically a permanent lieutenant.  You know the ones.  Year after year, they’re always second in command to one general after another, and somewhere along the line, after like the fourth guy gets promoted over them to take command, you realize there’s a reason for it.  Perfectly good at his job, but he’s just never going to be suited for the big chair.

Also, if he were in charge, can you IMAGINE how much time freaking Tirion would probably be spending in Orgrimmar?  Do you really want to subject people to THAT?

 

VAROK SAURFANG
100 to 1

Veteran of two wars.  Served as Thrall’s right hand and as my executive officer in Northrend.  He even served as acting Warchief for a little while, that time when I was off the grid.  At the age of nine zillion, he’s still one of the biggest badasses around.  He doesn’t sleep – he waits.  Death once had a near-Saurfang experience.  Mannoroth became more powerful by drinking HIS blood.  There was going to be a street named after him in Orgrimmar, but the plan was canceled for safety reasons because nobody crosses Saurfang and lives.  When warlocks make someone run away in fear, they pay a royalty to him.  He’s considered an honorary shaman because he commands the element of surprise.  I’m at least 50% sure some of these facts are made up.  But you get the point.

So what’s the case against?  You mean, other than at least two or three occasions that he’s threatened to kill me?  You mean OTHER THAN THAT?  Frankly, he’s a holdover from a Horde that’s a thing of the past – too old, too sentimental, too backward-thinking when we’re trying to move our people forward.  Too willing to extend an olive branch to the Alliance when we need to be smashing them over the head with the whole fucking tree.

Mostly the threatening-to-kill-me thing, though.  I don’t want to tempt fate.  (Along similar lines, by the way, fate doesn’t want to tempt Saurfang.)

 

THE “I MIGHT ACTUALLY CONSIDER PICKING ONE OF YOU PEOPLE” DIVISION 

WARLORD CROMUSH
50 to 1

This one is a dark horse candidate, no question.  But the dude did yeoman’s work in Gilneas when he had the thankless job of keeping Sylvanas marginally under control, he’s run a tight ship in Hillsbrad at a time when the Horde finally secured a firm hold on the region, and he’s been our primary command officer in the Eastern Kingdoms going on a couple years now.  The fact that he’s been able to work with the Forsaken with some measure of success is a major plus – yeah, they’re creepy and sketchy and just plain ol’ EEEESH, but they’re handy to have around.  He probably needs some more grooming for higher things, but he’s worked his way into the conversation for future high-profile assignments.

 

MALKOROK
25 to 1

You know, Malkorok really has most of the bases covered: he’s smart, uncompromising, and relentlessly devoted to the Horde, with a sharp tactical mind and an indisputable ability to get shit done.  He’s reshaped the Kor’kron, tightened up security, and demonstrated he’s one of the people you want fighting beside you on the battlefield.  Down side?  Well, let me put it this way.

About a year ago, some goblins tried to start up a business making wyvern food.  They did all kinds of tests to find a good formula for it as far as ingredients, they did focus groups to give it the most appealing packaging, they launched a huge advertising campaign for it and made sure it was easy to find at all the vendors…and absolutely nobody bought it.  How come?  Because for all the things they had going for them and all the effort they put into packaging it just right…wyverns just didn’t like it.

Draw your own conclusions.

 

GENERAL NAZGRIM
10 to 1

You all know this guy, and have probably worked with him on at least an occasion or two.  And really, if being Warchief was purely a military matter, this would probably be the guy.  He’s an excellent strategist and tactician, he adapts well on the fly, and since he came up through the ranks the old-fashioned way (I remember him serving under me in Northrend as a piddly-ass sergeant…and to put that in perspective, remember, freaking DONTRAG made sergeant), he appreciates what it’s like to be one of the grunts in the trenches and isn’t afraid to get in there and get his hands dirty by their side.  Okay, there was that whole disaster where he shit the bed on security and let Anduin get away, but maybe he can delegate.  But here’s the thing: being Warchief isn’t solely a military job.  It’s also the political head of the Horde, which means that as Warchief, Nazgrim would essentially be steering the ship of state.  And, well…we all know what happens when that guy gets near a ship.

 

WARLORD ZAELA
5 to 1

Leader of the Dragonmaw and a no-kidding-around badass warrior.  She took command of the Dragonmaw clan after helping to overthrow the nutjob “Warchief” Mor’ghor – gotta admire someone who has the stones to take down a corrupted leader for the good of the clan.  She was new to leadership at the time, and I’ll admit I was probably a little tough on her in my assessments early on, but she’s really grown into the role, and she’s been stepping up to work on some more projects for me the last few months.  I’ll also admit I might be swayed by seeing how she went about her business in that other world.  Still a little green, though…I mean, green in the “inexperienced” sense.  Not green in the fel-magic-drinky-drinky-demon-blood-grr-rarr-proud-ancient-culture-down-the-drain-oops sense.  Was that insensitive?  Anyway, she could probably stand to have a few more years working closely under the Warchief before she’s in line for the job herself.  But she’s definitely on the rise.

 

WARLORD BLOODHILT
2 to 1

Bet you didn’t see this one coming, did you?  Just goes to show what an outside-the-box thinker your Warchief is.  Hell, sometimes I’m so far outside the box that I don’t even know where the fuck the box is.  What box, anyway?  Fucking metaphors.

Anyhow, some of you might remember Bloodhilt from the southern Barrens, where he assumed command of our operations after former Warlord (and current zombie sous chef) Gar’dul managed to make a giant mess of things down there.  Bloodhilt cleaned up Gar’dul’s fuck-ups, secured our position in the area, and made it possible for us to make our move on Theramore.  Since then he’s made the trip with us to Pandaria, where he’s been commanding officer at Domination Point.  Just a solid, stand-up officer who’s done nothing but impress from day one.  Any way you cut it, you can get used to seeing his name cropping up, because he’s not going anywhere.

 

So, there’s your breakdown.  On that note, I’m going to call it a day as far as answering the mail goes, but keep those letters coming and I’ll try to answer more of your questions as time allows.  Since Spazzle’s form doohickey worked pretty well for this batch of e-mails, here it is again:

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Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge: EPIC VERSE live blog

Those of you who were reading the blog last year at this time will remember Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge – when, in honor of National Poetry Month, I called upon my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS to give me suggestions for a whole slew of EPIC VERSE masterpieces.  You all stepped up to the plate (well, those of you who were here at the time…and for those of you who weren’t, WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?), and we had a month full of EPIC VERSE goodness.

This year, as I announced a couple weeks ago, I’m continuing the Poetry Challenge tradition with a live blog.  Yes, that’s right, it’s the SECOND ANNUAL Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge – sure to be an annual tradition for years and years to come.

For tonight’s lyrical explosion of spontaneous awesomeness, I’m once again calling on you all to inspire your Warchief.  Here’s how this is going to work: when this post goes live, you’re all invited to use the comments to post your ideas and suggestions – you can give topics, themes, characters, turns of phrase, ANYTHING you think might make for a good starting point to give me ideas for what I’m going to write.  (Try to keep your suggestions here in the comments, rather than Twitter/Facebook/wherever, so your fellow readers and I can see them all in one place.)

Starting at 8:00 PM EDT, I’ll begin the live blog by adding to this post.  At that point, I’ll start composing a new EPIC VERSE masterpiece (or masterpieces?) based on the suggestions you’ve given.  Feel free to keep offering new ideas as we go along – I might incorporate new suggestions into the poem I’m writing, or maybe use them for ANOTHER new poem before the night is out.  We’ll just see how it goes.  In any case…once the live blog has started, keep refreshing this page.  I’ll be adding to the post incrementally as I write, and you’ll get to watch your Warchief’s latest EPIC VERSE composed right before your eyes, in progress.

Kind of like getting to see how the sausage gets made.  If the sausage was made from the ground meat of the SUPER AWESOME UBER-BEAST RAISED IN THE PARADISE FIELDS OF GENIUS AND FED A STEADY DIET OF SOLIDIFIED PERFECTION AND BADASSERY.

*  *  *  *  *

Okay, kids, the show’s about to begin.  I’m going to take a moment and take a look at what we’ve got for suggestions so far, and maybe give the latecomers a minute or two to get their initial suggestions in before I get rolling.  Keep the ideas coming as we go, and I may still work them in as I’m able…

Remember, keep refreshing this page to watch the live blog unfold in progress.

*  *  *  *  *

The Dontrag and the Utvoch came
To celebrate the season,
And brought such pain to any brain
Imbued with any reason.

The Dontrag and the Utvoch asked
The Warchief for permission
To undertake — for sure, half-baked –
A Noblegarden mission.

The Dontrag and the Utvoch told
The Warchief of their plan:
To gather eggs from hopping legs
That bounced around the land.

The Warchief, for his part, approved,
And told them to proceed.
(He thought, of course, the only source
For this could be felweed.)

The Dontrag and the Utvoch ran
Across the Four-Winds Valley,
And high and low sought eggs to go
Into their final tally.

Then near a burrow, D&U
Saw wrigglin’ and squirmin’,
When to the ground, with mighty bound
Leapt out a giant virmen.

The Dontrag cried, “Move fast, Utvoch!
Don’t let it run off!  Grab it!”
For sure, he thought, they had just caught
The Noblegarden Rabbit.

The Dontrag and the Utvoch pounced
And lunged with all their might –
Though in no story was their quarry
Such a daunting height.

They found the Rabbit’s fury one
That not a one surpasses,
So by the end, their hoppy friend
Had badly kicked their asses.

The Warchief, when the pair returned,
Was unsure, sad or funny,
Which best to say, to know that they’d
Been beat on by a bunny.

The Dontrag and the Utvoch mused,
“At least we didn’t die.”
And down they sat on asses fat
And dined on humble pie.

EPIC V—

That was weak.

…

The FUCK?  Who the hell is this?!

What, you still don’t recognize me, Hellscream?  I thought you were good at spotting me online now.

Wait, don’t tell me this is—  Hang on.

SPAZZLE!

What’s up, boss?

The likelihood of me drop-kicking your green ass back to the Lost Isles, for starters.

That’s it.  Throw another hissy fit and alienate even more of your own people.  That’s a formula for success.

Oh…oh no.  Don’t tell me Varian broke into the blog again.

OH I’M TELLING YOU EXACTLY THAT, MOTHERFUCKER

Have you considered anger management classes, by the way?

What the hell happened to the SECURITY thingywhatsises you were supposedly building into the blog, like, FOREVER ago?

Ugh.  It must be that wireless connection you have down there.  I TOLD you Grizzle didn’t know how to set up a reliable network above the level of aluminum cans and some string.

Goddammit.  Well try to get him out of here, will you?  I’ve got a live blog to do.

You mean this exhibition of fail?  Hah.  I couldn’t pass up the chance to look in a watch you make an even bigger jackass of yourself than usual.

Hey, don’t be jealous just because I actually know how to string a few words together, human.

Actually, you know what?  Go ahead and be jealous of that.  Also of all the fans I have, who’ve turned out to bask in the brilliance (BACK ME UP HERE, PEOPLE).  And, oh yeah, of how much smarter and better-looking and all-around more awesome I am.

Hellscream, I haven’t done any writing since I was a kid—

I notice you’re not counting your own blog there.

—but even I could do better than these dimwitted nursery rhymes you’re spewing out.

You know what, asshole?  YOU’RE ON.  Let’s see what you’ve got.

CUE THE AMBIGUOUSLY THIRD-PERSON LEAD-IN!

*  *  *  *  *

EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

GARROSH HELLSCREAM

VS.

VARIAN WRYNN

BEGIN!

*  *  *  *  *

Come on, bring it, Hellscream – hope you’re ready to lose.
I’m pretty sure a basic campfire could rhyme better than you.
I’m the king!  The boss!  I was born to rule!
Thrall took his Doomhammer and left the orcs with a tool.
While I was ruling orc arenas with my wolf-god-modding
You were a whiny emo bitch busy whining and sobbing.
I’ll crush you, Garrosh, and add it to our duel triple feature
’Cause I’m the High King – you’re just a substitute teacher.

I’ve got no time for your Alliance propaganda,
Gonna beat you down so hard you’re gonna think I’m a panda.
You’re facing Garrosh, Lo’gosh – I was put here to pwn ya.
My dad killed Mannoroth; yours got ganked by Garona.
So the Warchief will pour grief and settle some scores:
I’m taking the lok’tar, all the ogar is yours.
No “either/or” in the fate that you deserved:
Crushed beneath the Horde – AND the one getting served.

Sure, hide in daddy’s shadow – I knew you’d bring up Grom,
I don’t remember that he ever had to use a mana bomb.
You’re on your own now, worried yet?  ’Cause your lackeys you’re lackin’ –
You’re not getting bailed out now by your magnataur and kraken.
I’m coming with a gag order, I’ve had more than enough,
You’re so much talk, even your howling axe won’t ever shut up.
You’ve got a skull that’s all tiny, and your jaw’s extra large –
Between your mouth and your brain, I guess that shows who’s in charge.

You’re one to talk jaws, Chin-Boy, yours could carve out a mogu,
I’d call you Scarface but you’ve got no friends to say hello to.
Your scars and fail and ponytail – you’re like Lor’themar Lite.
I’ll bake your pride in lemon squares: here, swallow both in one bite.
You’re defensive, apprehensive; I’m offensive, gone berzerker –
I bet Tiffin cut you off, that’s why you had to screw your workers.
My rhymes are terse and yours are worse, so curse and next time go rehearse,
Now FUCK YOU, VARIAN – that’s

EPIC

fucking

VERSE

<drops mic and walks away like a boss>

…

*  *  *  *  *

WHO WON?

WHO’S NEXT?

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

 

[Thanks for coming, everyone.  More weirdness soon...]

Memory lane

After the disaster up at Shado-Pan Monastery, Krimpatul and I brought the sha claw that we’d taken from Burzum back to the Sanctum of Two Moons.  I’m hoping that if we examine it and conduct a few experiments, we can figure out a way to draw on that sha power without…you know…the accompanying crazy-going.  While we get going on that, I’m sending Krimp over to Tian Monastery to round up the DPS trainees and bring them back to Domination Point.  Hopefully they managed to pick up a few useful tricks from the monks there.

Oh, but hey, guess who was here to greet us at the Sanctum when we got back?  Baine Bloodhoof, newly arrived in Pandaria.  That’s, like, the best news I could get without there actually being any good news.  Because I’ve been suffering from a severe deficiency in pain in my ass ever since Vol’jin took the big grave-flop…

* Much to his disgruntlement, Garrosh learned of Dezco’s tauren expedition during a planning session for the Dominance Offensive.

** Dezco and Anduin have (some of) this exchange at the Temple of the White Tiger.

 

 

 

[Old Orgrimmar background images provided by Rades from Orcish Army Knife, used here with permission and many thanks.]

Spazzle Speaks: Shamans United!

 

Hi everyone, Spazzle here.  There’s been a lot going on, and I’ve been meaning to post for a little while now, but…well, there’s been a lot going on so I haven’t had the chance to until now.

As I’d said the last time I posted, after the news about Vol’jin reached Orgrimmar, everybody was in a state of shock for a while, and some of the Kor’kron were sent down to the Echo Isles to make sure everything was secure there.  I remember Eitrigg seeming less than thrilled about that for some reason, but I didn’t think too much of it at the time.

Still, I was concerned about how everyone was doing down there.  I have a couple friends from the comic shop in Razor Hill who live on the Echo Isles, and I figured that they must have been pretty shaken up by everything.  So last week, after I hadn’t heard from them in a little while, I decided to take a trip down and see how they were doing.

You will never guess who I ran into on the way down.

Thrall!

Now, I can’t say I was ever very close to Thrall personally, but I definitely owe him a debt or two after he helped save the Bilgewater Cartel after we left Kezan.  Not to mention, he’s the one who first started training me as a shaman way back when.  (I changed the subject when he asked how that was coming along.  No need for him to know that my mechanical totems short-circuit nearby appliances nearly as often as they summon up the elements.)  So, as much as Garrosh is my friend and I know the two of them don’t always see eye to eye, I’m very pro-Thrall.

Or pro-Go’el.  I’m not too clear on which one he’s going by these days.

Anyway, he was on his way to the Echo Isles from the Valley of Trials, along with a few Horde adventurers who had just returned from Pandaria.  He didn’t go into a lot of detail, but I guess he was concerned that there was some kind of trouble for the trolls in the aftermath of Vol’jin’s death.  He invited me to come with them, and since I was already concerned about my troll friends down there, naturally I took him up on his offer.

When we arrived at the Echo Isles, there were Kor’kron guards posted all around the perimeter of the island, and patrols marching around all over, without any Darkspear soldiers anywhere to be seen among the defenders.  Which struck me as kind of odd, obviously.  Not to mention the fact that the Kor’kron all seemed to be in a pretty foul mood.

Still, there was a Kor’kron officer along the main road, and Thrall went up to talk to him.  I figured between Thrall’s diplomatic skills, and the fact that he’s…you know…Thrall, he should be able to clear things up pretty quickly.

Hmm.  Okay, so much for that.

We made our way into the city from there, and it was a pretty shocking sight – the Kor’kron weren’t protecting the trolls, they were maintaining an occupation!  The trolls were rounded up, disarmed, supervised by the Kor’kron, and lots of them were even chained up.

I don’t even want to think what Saurfang would say if he knew this was going on.

Thrall wasn’t happy that it had come to this, but he decided we had to free the Darkspear from the occupation.  So the handful of us went around the island and, little by little, helped the trolls neutralize the Kor’kron guards.  Mostly that meant “disarm and capture,” but, well…  <sigh>  You know.

Once we had control of most of the island, we headed to Darkspear Hold, where that warlock Gul’tar, one of Malkorok’s lieutenants, had taken charge of the city and was running things from Vol’jin’s old command center.  Thrall tried to get him to stand down, but he wouldn’t budge.  Gul’tar ended up ranting about the Horde changing and Vol’jin refusing to change with it, and that’s why he died – that didn’t really make sense to me, considering the reports that Vol’jin had died in a saurok attack – and attacked Thrall.  Thrall and the Darkspear were able to beat him without too much trouble.

Now, the question is, what next?  Thrall wasn’t sure where we go from here, but he said he would stay on the Echo Isles to help the trolls keep a handle on things until…well, I’m not really supposed to go into that.  That’s one of the details Thrall said we all needed to keep quiet for the time being.

Hmm… Although…come to think of it…I suppose this whole story would be filed under “Things Thrall Wants You to Keep Quiet.”  So maybe I shouldn’t have just blogged about it.  Oh well.  Just make sure you all keep this hush-hush.

At least there’s still that one last detail that I can be good about keeping secret.

Even as juicy and awesome as it is.

Anyway…ahem…since I won’t be talking about that, I guess I’ll wrap this up for now.  I’ll try to post again if anything else big happens around here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Okay screw it OMG YOU GUYS VOL’JIN IS TOTALLY STILL ALIVE HOLY GEEZ CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?!?!?!

 

 

 

[Header image provided by Rioriel from Postcards From Azeroth; click here to see the souped-up Postcard version!  All other images provided by Khizzara from Blog of the Treant.  All images used here with permission and many thanks.]

Demonology Anonymous

Now for the hard part.

I left out a few details last time about my past with the Veiled Blade, and everything that’s been going on recently.

I said before that when we killed Lord Valthalak, we took his spellbook along with the pieces of an amulet that ended up bringing the spectral assassins down on us.  But there was one more part of the spoils: a demon relic called the Nether Prism, a crystal that could be used, among other things, to focus fel energies and dominate the will of demons.  I was a warlock back in those days, and I arranged to have the prism included as part of our deal with Malkorok.  I wanted to see how much the Prism could be used to augment my powers.

I thought I could handle it.  I thought wrong.

The Prism magnified the power of my spells for sure, and for brief windows of time I could use it to control powerful demons.  At least more powerful than the dime-a-dozen ones that your garden variety warlocks can summon.  In more powerful hands than mine, I suppose it could have been used on even greater ones.  But if there’s one thing I learned, it was that I was nowhere near warlock enough to master the energies that flowed through that crystal and keep them under control.

It became pretty clear to me that I couldn’t afford to keep toying around with the Prism.  The problem was, though, that it wasn’t going to be as simple as sticking it in the back of the sock drawer and forgetting about it.  The Nether Prism radiated fel energies.  Demons were drawn to it.  And using its magic to deal with the demons when they turned up would just make it radiate more.

As if life wasn’t already too complicated, it was at this point that I learned Valthalak’s spectral assassins were making short work of the rest of the Veiled Blade.  I couldn’t keep taking my chances running around from place to place alone.  So I turned to Thrall.  He offered me sanctuary in Orgrimmar; all he asked was that I be on hand to aid the Warchief when needed.  I only ever told him the barest details about my past.  I never said a word about the Nether Prism.  Thrall was only barely willing to tolerate the presence of warlocks in Orgrimmar at all, given the orcs’ history; I couldn’t imagine he would have been willing to take me in if he’d known the whole story.  It’s hardly a coincidence that that was when I abandoned demonology altogether and took up shamanism.  I wasn’t about the bring dishonor upon the man who’d given me a safe haven, or overstay my welcome.

So, the Nether Prism had to go.  In the last days before I moved to Orgrimmar, I traveled to Darkwhisper Gorge in Winterspring.  Hidden away in a cave there was an imp named Vi’el, a collector of relics and exotic items.  I passed the Prism off onto him and hoped he wouldn’t realize what he had on his hands.  I know looking back that it probably wasn’t the wisest move in the world, but at that point I just wanted the blasted thing off my hands.  So I left it with Vi’el, and went on to Orgrimmar to begin my new life.  And started working out ways to deal with the spectral assassins before they came knocking on my door.

For a while, it worked.  I thought that chapter was done.  But as often ends up being the case around here, life still had one more surprise epilogue waiting.

 

 

As soon as the spectral assassins attacked me in the Drag, I knew what they were and where they were from.  Even with Ji fighting by my side, they were able to wear me down fairly quickly; Ji kept fending them off as best he could while I watched for an opening to pop back up.  That was the point when we had one more surprise guest, this time a face from the past that was actually welcome: Deliana.  She’d stealthed her way into Orgrimmar to come looking for me, and after she helped Ji and I fight off the assassins, she snuck back with us to my house to compare notes.

The notes weren’t good.  Something had stirred Valthalak’s spirit; I remember when he’d been laid to rest the first last time, the adventurers I’d sent mentioned him saying something about things being settled “for now,” but I didn’t really give it much thought at the time.  Now, though, he was awake again and sending out his assassins.  Only this time, it wasn’t over the amulet; it was over the Nether Prism.

From Deliana’s perspective, this all started with Theldren turned up in Ironforge, seeking protection from Moira Thaurissan.  Something had brought the last scattered remains of Nefarian’s old minions out of hiding and sent them scrambling after anything demon-related they could find.  Deliana overheard Theldren repeating that “something’s coming,” whatever that means.  We don’t know most of the why’s and wherefores; all we do know is that whatever’s behind it has stirred Valthalak enough to make him want his old trinket back.

I wasn’t going to go to Garrosh with any of this.  I didn’t think he would have received the last bit about my past with the demons well in the best of circumstances, much less now that we’d been through that ordeal with the Burning Legion in the other timeline.  Not to mention the minor detail that I was fraternizing with a human in Deliana.  We decided that we had to keep her involvement in all of this a secret; Ji, being maybe the one person who was truly neutral to all of this, came into our confidence.

It became pretty clear pretty quickly that it wasn’t going to be possible for Deliana to stay hidden in Orgrimmar, especially after Garrosh stepped up security for me after the attack.  (At least he meant well.)  Deliana even had a run-in with Malkorok at one point when he was coming to talk to me and happened to catch her sneaking her way to my house.  She was only able to get away because Ji happened along and was able to blindside Malkorok with a Quaking Palm that stunned him.  We got Deliana out of Orgrimmar and she went into hiding in Azshara, with Ji stepping up to ferry messages back and forth between us.

Which brings us to Winterspring.  The trip to Timbermaw Hold was basically just a cover for us to meet up with Deliana in Everlook, and from there…Darkwhisper Gorge, to find Vi’el.  After the Cataclysm, most of the demons had abandoned the gorge for the underground caves, and the Twilight’s Hammer had moved in.  Now the cultists were gone and the demons were back in force – and gone crazy, fighting among themselves.  Even back in the day, there weren’t this many of them.  We could barely turn around without being jumped by another felguard or pack of felhounds.

We found Vi’el at his cave – dead.  The cave had been ransacked; half of the belongings that remained had been burned, singed with green flames.  We turned the place upside down, but it became apparent fairly quickly that there wasn’t anything to be found.

I’m not sure where we go from here.  The spectral assassins are still coming, Krog already having intercepted one just the other day.  Vi’el was the only lead we had back to the Nether Prism, which I have to figure is our only means of getting the situation under control.  Short of dying.  Again.  Deliana has gone back into hiding in Azshara while we come up with a new plan.  I think I might have one more possible stone to turn over, but it may reach the point – in fact, I suspect it will soon – when I need to give up the secrecy and bring all this to Garrosh.  Hopefully he’ll understand.

I should maybe go see about making some lemon squares.

 

Mokvar

Monday mailbag

So it’s been a while since I did a mailbag.  How long, you ask?  GOOD QUESTION.  And the answer is, so long that in the intervening time I’ve gotten not one, but TWO letters from our old buddy ACC, so why don’t we get to it before he dashes off ANOTHER one, and start working our way through the ACC backlog.  As usual, actual letters from actual readers…

 

Hail, Warchief!

And greetings from the not-so-frozen South. Pro tip: NEVER go on a boat with General Nazgrim. I don’t know what he did to offend the Boat Gods, but… This is twice now that I’ve boarded a serviceable ship and disembarked from kindling. Mind you, there’s hardly anyone else I’d rather be with in a scrap. If you’re headed to a hot LZ you want him there with you, just don’t let him drive. Can’t add anything to what’s already been said about our allies and opponents except that while I’d pick semi-sentient monkeys over super-evolved murlocs any day, the “epic” clash was the goat-rope to end all goat-ropes. The least said about that, the better.

You’ve already heard about the giant vegetables in the Valley of the Four Winds. Turns out that the water makes for some pretty big beasties, too. And where there’s big game, you KNOW who’s not far behind. That’s right, Hemet Nesingwary’s pulled stakes from Sholazar and headed South. And be brought his boy with him. Got to say, it was awesome seeing them together. When you get down this way, you ought to swing by their camp and take a look around.

One other thing before I get back to work: that issue you mentioned last time? This place forces you to deal with things like that. What you bring within yourself draws spirits out of the land itself. Harsh therapy, but effective. I still stand by the necessity of what we did, but I do (slightly) regret the intemperate zeal.

–A Concerned Citizen

Ahh, so THAT’s where Hemet and his kid disappeared off to.  Good to hear, ACC – maybe now the old man can finally teach the kid a thing or two so he won’t be QUITE as big a fuck-up.  It was always pretty embarrassing dropping by their camp in Stranglethorn, and having the guy supposedly in charge be far and away the least competent hunter there.  Then again, I guess that’s the way management tends to go, right?  Mediocrity rises, so the person in charge usually winds up being the biggest dumbass?

Anyway, good point about Nazgrim.  No question as to his military skills, but for future engagements I’m thinking I might send him in AFTER the initial wave, so I can just have him ported in without having to roll the dice putting him on another ship.  Though come to think of it, that could make for an interesting experiment…like if we put him on a vehicle to some other part of Pandaria right now, would that one crash too?  If I told him to take one of the pandas’ balloons somewhere, would the balloon go all hydrogen bomb clear out of the blue?  Is anyone else thinking I might seriously have to try some of this out once I get down there, even if unbeknownst to Nazgrim I’d be putting his physical safety at sustained risk for no reason other than a puckish blend of curiosity and thirst for amusement?

 

Hail, Warchief!

There’s a rumor going around that the EO servers are shutting off this coming Friday. Heard anything about this?

–A Concerned Citizen

Wait, what?  Shutting off as in permanently?  I know they usually have some downtime for maintenance, but that’s usually on Tuesdays, isn’t it?  Why would they shut down the game?  They only just put out a new expansion.  I mean yeah, they lost some subscribers the last year or so, but still, I don’t see them shutting down at this point.

Or is this some kind of in-game apocalypse deal?  Because you DO get some of those RP-happy people who are all about the second coming of that Jesus guy.  Who, by the way, could they make it any more obvious where they got THAT lore character from?  I mean, come on…he walks on water and comes back from the dead, so he obviously has to be a shaman, and he’s all hippy granola-crunchy let’s-all-get-along-and-be-friends, and millions of people just dote over him and think he’s the most awesome thing, which just feeds into his whole deal where he thinks he’s the ultimate savior, and come on, could they make it any more painfully obvious who he’s supposed to be?  We might as well just call him Beige Thrall.  Although I don’t know why people make such a big deal about him coming back.  Do they really expect the guy to just show up again and take over or something?

 

This parchment has a few sketches around the edges in multicolored inks. Dontrag and Utvoch are recognizable, as are Nazgrel and Neferatti. The remaining sketches are of a naaru, a warp stalker, and a nether ray. The lettering is spaced a bit erratically and is far from ornate, but is readable without excessive effort.

Dear Mr Warchief Sir:

I herd abot Mr Mokvar. I hop he gets bettr soon. I kno you need a scrib now, and I want to voula valun help. I hav ben trayning with a teechr who says Im doing much bettr than I was. I wud tell you all abot her and abot evrything Ive bin doing, but that wud tak too long and I want to mail this now. Pleese let me be your scrib!

The letter is signed with an inky pawprint and the name “Taktani.”

Um…

<sigh>

Yeah, how about I get back to you on that.

Fucking hell, somebody get me a list of the inscription trainers and vendors around here, there’s gotta be SOMEONE I can rope into taking this damn job…

In unrelated news HEY EVERYBODY KEEP THOSE SCRIBE APPLICATIONS COMING IN, and hoo boy, Mokvar, heal up fast, dude.

 

Greetings Warchief,

I have been spending a good deal of time in Pandaria per your orders and have been getting to know the natives.  Recently I took a quick trip home for a bit of a break and a grave injustice has become apparent to me.

In Panderia the natives are more than happy to allow me to have one of my pets hanging around with me.  They are more than happy to serve grain to my goat Moe while I am enjoying refreshments of my own.  That same scene does not play out at home.  I was actually kicked out of Silvermoon City by one of those constructs that what’s his name has running around the city because one of my felines had a small accident in the city.  I was in the process of cleaning it up when I was ushered out of the city.  Even in Ogrimmar people get testy if one of my pets is curled up at my feet while I enjoy a drink.

Is there something you could do to make Hunter pets more welcome in Horde areas?  They put their lives on the line in the service of the Horde same as any other veteran in your army.  We train them well and they are not dangerous to civilians that keep their hands off of them.

Thank you for your time Warchief,

–Toka Armripper

Hey Toka.  Well, you know, legally speaking, pets are kosher here in Orgrimmar.  I can’t really speak for what they do in Silvermoon – the business with the construct-robot-thingy seems kind of lame, but that’s Regent-Lord Ponytail for you.  Maybe he’s afraid the smell from any potential pet accidents might soak into his conditioner or some shit.  Point is, though, over in Silvermoon or Undercity or Thunder Bluff or, hell, the Echo Isles, they all set their local ordinances about pets, and frankly, I get enough headaches from the other city leaders trying to get them go along with my orders on the big stuff like war and conscription and glorious battle…I don’t want to even THINK about the caterwauling I’ll have to deal with if I start trying to meddle around with smaller local regulations like pet control too.  Sylvanas will probably give me another one of her speeches about centralized government versus cities’ rights.

As for people getting testy in Orgrimmar if you bring your pets into the bar with you, well, frankly, fuck ’em.  Really.  The law here is that your pets are allowed in there as long as you keep them under control, so if people don’t like it, fuck ’em.  That’s the one thing – no matter what the law is, there’s not much you can do about people’s attitudes, so like it or not, there are always going to be some malcontents who are going to grumble.  I mean, hell, a couple weeks ago I was taking Mortimer around Orgrimmar is stretch his legs a little, and he went sniffing up to this old orc woman – and I don’t mean the fit, MILFy kind of older orc woman like Garona, I mean old and cranky and bloated and draped in fur-lined imperial silk robes for no reason other than LOOK AT ME I’M FANCY and hasn’t done a sit-up since the Second War.  And so Mortimer started sniffing at her, and I told her not to worry, he’s friendly.  And she was all sneery like, “Well I’m not an animal lover.”  And so I said, “That’s okay, he’s not a heartless unfeeling cow lover.”  And of course just then there were a couple tauren walking by, so, you know, awkward.

 

Random Weirdness spotted – Oppan Garrosh Style

[If you’re unable to view the embedded video, you can link to it here.]

I’m just…

that was…

uh…

Ok.

–Quelita, Tarren Mill

Yeah, what of it?

I slaughter Alliance, I write EPIC VERSE, I sing.

It’s called being a triple threat.  Deal with it, bitches.

 

That’s it for this time around.  As always, keep those letters coming to garrosh1337@gmail.com.

West Azeroth Story, Act 3

The curtain rises.  Spotlights illuminate the left and right sides of the stage separately, as Garrosh leads the Horde forces across the Barrens on one side and Varian leads the Alliance from Theramore.

 

{QUINTET}

HORDE:

The Horde is gonna have its day
Tonight.
The Horde is gonna have its way
Tonight.
Alliance think we’re jokin’, no doubt,
But once their king is broken,
We’re kicking them out.

ALLIANCE:

We’re gonna look ’em in the eyes
Tonight.
We’re gonna cut ’em down to size
Tonight.
We told ’em they could can it: war cries.
We’ll kick ’em off our planet
Once Garrosh, he dies
Tonight.

HORDE:

We’re gonna stop it tonight,
We’re going to drive them off and take Kalimdor!

ALLIANCE:

We’ll turn the tables tonight,
We can’t afford to mess around anymore –
Green-skins invade us!

HORDE:

The Legion made us!
But this time we’re the ones who’ll finish this war!

ALL:

Tonight!

A spotlight illuminates a Theramore courtyard at stage right, where Jaina is seen with Rhonin.

JAINA:

I really do not like this plan
Tonight.
Things really could get out of hand
Tonight.

RHONIN:

They’ll show up for the battle:
Brief truce.
With you there, maybe that’ll
Give an excuse
Tonight?

Jaina nods to Rhonin and rushes out.

A spotlight illuminates Mokvar crossing the Southfury River into the Barrens.

MOKVAR:

Tonight, tonight,
This stinks like saronite.
Tonight the flames of war could be fanned.
Tonight, tonight,
When our two leaders fight,
That Malkorok may have something planned.

One more spotlight illuminates the Theramore tower, where Deliana looks out a window.

DELIANA:

Tonight
The past may come back calling,
The future that we’re stalling,
And now, out of my sight,
There’s such a fright
That what we’ve done is coming to light…

HORDE:

The Horde is coming out on top tonght!
We’re gonna watch Varian drop tonight!
They’ll go slow as molasses,
Cry and pout.
The door will hit their asses
On their way out.

Garrosh, Malkorok, the rest of the Horde group, and Deliana overlap:

GARROSH:

<to Malkorok>  You keep a wide-open eye.

MALKOROK:

Right.

GARROSH:

In case he tries something sly.

MALKOROK:

Right.

GARROSH:

For the Horde!

HORDE:

For the Horde!

MALKOROK:

And they might have a surprise
Tonight.

DELIANA:

Tonight, tonight
Our role it might indict,
Tonight the flames of war could be fanned.

The Horde, Alliance, Mokvar, Deliana, and Jaina – who is now riding across Dustwallow Marsh – overlap:

HORDE and ALLIANCE:

We’re gonna stop it tonight!
We’re gonna end it tonight!
They’re gonna get it tonight!

ALLIANCE:

They invaded,
They invaded,
They invaded.

HORDE:

Here we’ve made it,
Here we’ve made it,
Home: we made it.

ALLIANCE:

We can’t afford to mess around.
Alliance has to win the day,
Alliance has to find a way.
We’ve got to stop it tonight.

HORDE:

We’re gonna grind them to the ground,
The Horde is gonna have its day,
The Horde is gonna have its way.
We’ve got to stop it tonight.

JAINA:

Tonight, tonight,
We just might
Have one chance to get it right:
Now Jaina’s got to find a way
To broker peace before the fray:
Will cooler heads carry the day?
Tonight, tonight,
Our future could be bright –
I’ve got to stop it tonight!

DELIANA:

Tonight, tonight,
When our two leaders fight,
That Malkorok may have something planned.

MOKVAR and DELIANA:

Tonight
The past may come back calling,
The future that we’re stalling,

MOKVAR:

And now, within my sight,

DELIANA:

And now, out of my sight,

MOKVAR and DELIANA:

There’s such a fright
That what we’ve done is coming to light…

ALL:

Tonight.

Blackout.  From either side of the stage, the Horde and Alliance enter the Battlescar in the Southern Barrens.  Both groups spread out over their respective sides of the field, then Garrosh and Varian approach each other at center stage, accompanied by Malkorok and Mathias Shaw.

VARIAN:  Warchief.

GARROSH:  Dickface.

VARIAN:  You’re a classy guy, Hellscream, anyone ever tell you that?

GARROSH:  I can have them put that on your gravestone if you want.

VARIAN:  Are you ready?

GARROSH:  To finally put you in the ground?  I’ve been ready for that for years.

Varian draws Shalamayne and extends it in front of him.

VARIAN:  Your blade?

GARROSH:  What about it?

SHAW:  If you would let us inspect it for doctoring.

GARROSH:  What the hell are you implying?

VARIAN:  We’re not implying anything.  It’s just customary to examine each other’s weapons so we can see no one is—

MALKOROK:  The two-legged rodent is suggesting you would poison your blade, Warchief.  For that alone this mongrel will—

GARROSH:  You DARE insinuate I would cheat, human?

VARIAN:  Obviously, Garrosh, you would never employ questionable methods when faced with honorable combat.  Nevertheless.

Varian gestures with Shalamayne.  Garrosh grumbles, then begrudgingly draws Gorehowl and holds it in front of him.

SHAW:  Thank you, Warchief.

VARIAN:  Now then.

GARROSH:  Have your people stand back, Varian.  This is between you and me.

VARIAN:  You do the same.

Garrosh waves to the Horde group, which steps back and spreads in a semicircle from the side of the stage to the background.  Varian signals to the Alliance members, who mirror the Horde’s movements.

MALKOROK:  Now – begin!

Garrosh and Varian rush at each other and begin to fight as furious music swells.  They lunge and parry, circle around the middle of the stage, and match each other’s moves in rhythm with the music.  As the duel unfolds, the spectators begin to shout and cheer for their respective leader, until the cacophonous yells begin to blend into a rhythmic chanting that becomes a counterpoint to the music.

Several times over the course of the fight, Garrosh and Varian lock weapons until one of them shoves the other back toward one side of the stage.  Each time, they circle around then resume their clash at center stage.

Slowly, in the background, Malkorok begins to make his way closer to the Alliance side of the circle.  From under his cloak, he withdraws a long dagger, shining with a sickly green gleam.

Mokvar enters at the edge of the stage.  As he arrives, Garrosh and Varian lock blades and rotate around as each tries to outmuscle the other.  Garrosh finally gains the upper hand and flings Varian back toward the Alliance side.  Malkorok moves toward him from behind, dagger in hand.

MOKVAR:  No!  Look out!

Mokvar runs to center stage and tackles Varian to the ground, in the process knocking him out of the way of Malkorok’s stab.

FALSTAD:  They’re attackin’ His Majesty!

SHAW:  That one had a dagger!

MALKOROK:  <recovering himself>  That treasonous scribe!  He’s helping the human!

SHANDRIS:  They were never going to honor the duel!

GARROSH:  Mokvar!  You!  If I didn’t see it with my own eyes…!

The two sides rush at each other and begin fighting, largely in the background.  At center stage, Garrosh dodges a few Alliance swings, then grabs Mokvar and holds him by his neck while drawing Gorehowl back.

GARROSH:  You…traitorous…!

As Garrosh prepares to swing, Varian grabs him from behind – jarring Garrosh enough to make him lose his grip on Mokvar – and plunges Shalamayne through his back and out of his chest.

GARROSH:  <looking down at the blade>  Oh for fuck’s sake…AGAIN?

MOKVAR:  Oh…oh crap…

GARROSH:  Also, how come this doesn’t actually hurt?  I mean I know I’m badass and all, but…

BARNES:  <from offstage>  It’s just a glamour, you silly actor – special effects can’t really hurt you.

GARROSH:  I…  <looking around>  Oh…

BARNES:  Now stop breaking the fourth wall and get back to your scene!

GARROSH:  Aren’t YOU the one—

BARNES:  Action!

GARROSH:  <sighs>  Fine.  <flatly>  Oh I am slain.  Oh agony.  Now I shrug off this mortal coil, it is to laugh, the end.  And shit.

Garrosh drops to the ground, where he lays mostly still while making a half-hearted attempt to play dead.  Around him the fighting rages on between the Horde and Alliance.

LIADRIN:  Garrosh!

DONTRAG:  He killed the Warchief!

UTVOCH:  You bastard!

VARIAN:  Victory!  Hellscream has fallen!  For the Alli—

Garona unstealths behind Varian and stunlocks him, then unleashes a flurry of blows until he drops to the ground.

GARONA:  House of Wrynn!  Two generations running!  Tell Anduin to sleep lightly!  Booyah!

Garona stealths again.  The two sides continue to battle frantically.

MALKOROK:  Now!  With Wrynn slain!  Now, shamans, show the dogs the first of our surprises!

A handful of dark-clad shaman emerge from the Horde group and begin channeling spells.  Several of the surrounding boulders begin to glow, then rise up as molten giants and begin to attack the Alliance.

Jaina enters.

JAINA:  By the Light!  What’s happening here?!

FALSTAD:  The devils ’a broken the agreement!

SHAW:  They’ve killed Varian!

The molten giants stomp on several Alliance soldiers and send the group scattering.

JAINA:  We have to get out of here!  Everyone to me!

The Alliance rush to Jaina, who teleports them away.  The shaman stop channeling their spells, and the molten giants collapse back into boulders.

MALKOROK:  Horde!  The Alliance flees, but they will not escape!  Quickly, to Brackenwall Village!  We will regroup and bring the fight to them!  For the Horde!

The Horde exits, leaving the stage empty save for the bodies of Garrosh and Varian.  The stage lights lower, save for dim lights still illuminating the bodies.

GARROSH:  Well that sucked.

VARIAN:  Yeah, it kind of did.

GARROSH:  Yeah.

VARIAN:  Still, though…

GARROSH:  What?

VARIAN:  For the record, I got you.

GARROSH:  Fuck you, Varian.

Blackout.  In a Theramore tower, Deliana paces the room.

Jaina enters.

DELIANA:  Jaina!  What happened?

JAINA:  <sighs>  Varian is dead.

DELIANA:  What?!  How?  You mean now we have to…?

JAINA:  It’s not that simple.  Varian is dead, but so is Garrosh.  I’m still not sure how it all happened – by the time I got there, things had already—

A knock at the door is heard.

JONATHAN:  <outside>  Lady Proudmoore!

JAINA:  Come in, General.

The door opens and General Marcus Jonathan enters, along with Jaina’s night elf bodyguard Pained; the pair holds Mokvar captive.

JONATHAN:  Lady Proudmoore, this orc was found lurking outside the city.  He didn’t resist capture, but he did insist on speaking with you.

DELIANA:  Mokvar!

JAINA:  You know him, Deliana?

PAINED:  You should be more selective in your friends.  Shandris says this is one of the orcs that helped kill Varian.

DELIANA:  He what?

MOKVAR:  That’s…not entirely accurate.

JONATHAN:  That’s enough from you, orc.

DELIANA:  There has to have been some mistake.

JONATHAN:  There were several, starting with the decision to trust these green-skinned—

JAINA:  That’s enough, General.  You can leave us.  I’d like to have a few words with the prisoner.

JONATHAN:  As you wish.

JAINA:  You too, Pained.  Please wait outside.

PAINED:  With all due respect, my lady, my place is—

JAINA:  Is where I tell you to go, Pained.  I can take care of myself.

PAINED:  Yes, ma’am.

Jonathan and Pained exit.  Jaina turns to Deliana.

JAINA:  How long have you known him?

DELIANA:  We go back quite a few years.

JAINA:  You trust him?

DELIANA:  I’ve spent the last six years hiding in Ironforge for safety.  I think he did more to protect me from Orgrimmar in that time than any of the dwarves ever did.

JAINA:  <turns to Mokvar>  They say you attacked Varian.  Here’s your chance to explain.

MOKVAR:  I jumped him.  That much is true.  But I wasn’t attacking him.  I was trying to push him out of the way of the one who was.

JAINA:  Who, Garrosh?  Why would you try to swing the duel against the Horde?

MOKVAR:  No, not Garrosh.  If it was just him and Varian, I would have stayed out of it.  It was Malkorok.  He was about to stab Varian from behind.

DELIANA:  Malkorok… Of course it was Malkorok.

MOKVAR:  It ended up backfiring.  Both sides thought I was working against them, and in the chaos, Garrosh was killed.  And by that point I don’t think anyone was interested in honoring the terms of the duel.

JAINA:  I don’t even know how many on our side will be willing to listen to reason now.

DELIANA:  Jaina, can’t you rein them in?  You’d have to be one of the highest ranking people left.

JAINA:  I can try, but I don’t know how much good it will do.  With Anduin still a boy, there’s no clear line of succession, so right now I’m merely one in a sea of voices.

MOKVAR:  The Horde is having its own problems with succession, only worse.  It looks like Malkorok is effectively taking over.

DELIANA:  Oh no…

JAINA:  Who is this Malkorok?

MOKVAR:  A Blackrock orc who used to work for Rend Blackhand.  At least he gave the appearance of it.  I don’t think he ever really served anyone or anything other than his own agenda.

JAINA:  I take it having him leading the Horde would be bad news for all involved.

MOKVAR:  Let’s put it this way.  I know Garrosh was no bargain.  But this guy?  Malkorok would make Garrosh look like Thrall.

JAINA:  Do you think there are others in the Horde who will still resist him?

MOKVAR:  I know there are others who won’t be thrilled to have him in charge.  The only question is whether Malkorok’s managed to scare them into submission.

JAINA:  Then you need to go do what you can while there are some who’ll still listen.  And if not…

Jaina reaches into a pocket and produces a small, smooth stone with totemic markings, then slips it into Mokvar’s hand.

…I think you know what this is for.

Mokvar nods.  Jaina starts to channel a spell, and a portal appears in the room.

Go now – hurry.

MOKVAR:  What will you tell the others?

JAINA:  You let me worry about that.

DELIANA:  Stay safe, Mokvar.

MOKVAR:  I think “safe” is long off the board for all of us.  But it’s partly our fault this is happening.

DELIANA:  I know.  Be careful.

MOKVAR:  Always am.

Mokvar disappears through the portal.

Blackout.  In Brackenwall Village, the Horde group arrives, met by Krog and Draz’Zilb.

KROG:  Malkorok?  What are you all doing here?

MALKOROK:  The human king is slain – but not without a cost!  The dogs turned on us with aid from one of our own, and murdered the Warchief!

KROG:  They what?  Garrosh is dead?

MALKOROK:  He is…but we will ensure that he soon finds himself in good company.

FARANELL:  Wait, didn’t we have an agreement with the Alliance that the duel would decide control of Kalimdor?  And, well, Varian did kill Garrosh before—

Malkorok steps up to Faranell quickly and knocks him down with a vicious blow.

MALKOROK:  Unless you wish to lose more pieces of that rotting corpse you call a body, mage, I recommend you choose your words carefully.

Malkorok glares around as some of the group exchange looks in uneasy silence.

UTVOCH:  I can’t believe the Warchief died…

DONTRAG:  What are we doing now?

DRAZ’ZILB:  Surely we can’t let the Warchief’s death go unanswered!

MALKOROK:  Nor will we!  Listen to me, soldiers of the Horde!  I had little doubt the Alliance pigs would show their true colors in this affair, but we will see to it that they pay for their treachery!

Mokvar enters.

Oh, and speaking of treachery!  Here’s the dog who turned on his own Warchief to lend aid to the human!  Seize him!

Mokvar is apprehended by a pair of Kor’kron and brought closer to the group.

MOKVAR:  It’s funny how selective your memory is, Malkorok.  I’m a traitor for helping Varian, but you’re awfully quick to gloss over what I was helping him against – we both know it wasn’t Garrosh.

MALKOROK:  You think I hide my role, scribe?  Hardly – I take pride in it!  I came to the aid of my Warchief; you came to the aid of his mortal enemy.  Tell me again which of us here should hang his head!

LIADRIN:  Wait, you were interfering with the fight?  It was supposed to be honorable combat!

MALKOROK:  You will be silent, elf!

Malkorok steps toward Liadrin and throws a punch at her; she deflects it with a paladin bubble, then stuns Malkorok with a Hammer of Justice.

LIADRIN:  Now now, didn’t your mother teach you not to hit a lady?  She would be ashamed.

MALKOROK:  <seething as he collects himself>  She taught me to crush my foes.

LIADRIN:  Then she would be doubly ashamed if the lady in question were to beat you down.

MOKVAR:  That’s why I jumped in – to keep him from ambushing Varian and—

MALKOROK:  And slaying the leader of our enemy!  Are you fool enough to think you serve our Warchief by saving his nemesis?

MOKVAR:  Garrosh Hellscream had many failings, but he believed in honor.  At least until he started having his steps shadowed by the likes of you.

MALKOROK:  In battle, nothing is more honorable than victory.

MOKVAR:  Funny, I can think of at least one victory Garrosh would have gladly given back…

MALKOROK:  Keep spinning your words, scribe – it’s what a coward like you does, isn’t it?

Malkorok turns to the rest of the group.

The rest of you – what I am calling for is not words.  Your fallen Warchief did not spend his days dawdling over words.  He sought action.  For the safety of the Horde!  For the glory of the Horde!  So let this scribe lull you into submission with his words – I call on you to act!  To avenge your leader!  To finally strike the human disease that has too long infected this continent.  Will you join me?  Or will you sit here, and bandy about words, and wring your hands over niceties – until the Alliance again show themselves for what they are, and again come to enslave our people, and again leave the ground stained with orcish blood?

Many of the Horde troops, including most of the Kor’kron, start to shout in support.

Good!  That is the Horde I know!  Now, all of you!  Follow me, and we will show the Alliance what becomes of those who draw our wrath!  To Theramore!  More surprises await the humans…

DRAZ’ZILB:  None greater than how quickly they’ll fall before us!

KROG:  Hell yeah, we’ll roll over the humans so fast they won’t even know what hit them!

MALKOROK:  Oh no, soldiers, not quickly – quick is painless.  And these humans must be made to suffer for their crimes against our people!

DRAZ’ZILB:  Now you’re talking my language!

DONTRAG:  <aside>  Does this seem a little strange to you?

UTVOCH:  <aside>  All I know is they killed the Warchief… I guess it makes sense to go after them…

MALKOROK:  Every pain these humans have brought to us will be repaid tenfold tonight!  You want to avenge your Warchief?  Then leave your pity and your mercy here – bring only your rage and your cruelty!

 

{CRUEL}

MALKOROK:

Horde, Horde, angry Horde,
Get cruel, Horde!
Vow again, gents, for your vengeance,
Get cruelly cruel, Horde!
Don’t relent, ’cause we have spent
Too long holding back.
Set in mind that humankind
Is overdue for some cruel payback.

Horde, Horde, vengeful Horde!
Stay fierce, Horde!
From the skies comes their demise,
Bring them to tears, Horde!
Fight, Horde, fight,
Each human we’ll smite, each fool floored.
Unleash, be cruel, Horde,
Real cruel.

Mokvar, Liadrin, and Faranell watch the rest of the group march off behind Malkorok.

LIADRIN:  I can’t believe I’m saying it, but I think I’m actually glad Garrosh didn’t live to see this…

MOKVAR:  Yeah…

Mokvar tries to take a step, but is restrained by the two Kor’kron who’ve remained behind, and are still holding him.

<looking back and forth between the Kor’kron>  Huh.

One of the Kor’kron slumps over, sapped.

KOR’KRON #2:  What the—?

The other Kor’kron turns into a sheep in a puff of smoke.

FARANELL:  That’s better.

Garona unstealths behind the sapped guard.

GARONA:  You really have a way with people, Mokvar.

MOKVAR:  I know, right?  Still…thanks for sticking with me.  All of you.

LIADRIN:  I think we’re about to be outcasts among the outcasts.

FARANELL:  Eh.  You get used to it.

MOKVAR:  I was hoping there would be more who would listen…

LIADRIN:  Right now they don’t know what to think.  So most of them aren’t.

FARANELL:  And the rest of them are Dontrag and Utvoch.  So, you know…

GARONA:  What was that business about the surprise for Theramore?

LIADRIN:  I don’t know, but…wait…that part about it coming from the skies…

FARANELL:  What are you thinking?

LIADRIN:  <looks up>  There’s been a goblin sky galleon circling around the western Barrens all night…

FARANELL:  Sending troops in by parachute?

GARONA:  He would send a gunship for that.  A galleon isn’t designed for troop deployment, just…payload.

LIADRIN:  I think he’s planning to use a bomb…

MOKVAR:  Jaina’s trying to calm the Alliance down and get them to listen to reason, but that’s off the board if Malkorok escalates things even more.

FARANELL:  Remember when this cunning plan was going to spare us a big, messy, drawn-out war?

MOKVAR:  I’m hoping we can still limit the damage…

LIADRIN:  What do you have in mind?

MOKVAR:  For starters – Garona, can you stealth into Theramore?  We need you to warn them about what Malkorok’s doing.

GARONA:  Wait, you want to warn the Alliance that a Horde attack is coming?

LIADRIN:  To keep all of this from getting any further out of hand than it already is.

MOKVAR:  And to let them see that not all of the Horde has gone crazy.

GARONA:  Ugh, fine.  I’ll get in and try to warn them.

LIADRIN:  What about Edwin and I?  What do you want us to do?

MOKVAR:  Run.

LIADRIN:  What?

FARANELL:  I can handle that.

MOKVAR:  Get back to the Eastern Kingdoms.

LIADRIN:  Why?  We should do something to help here.

FARANELL:  Don’t argue with the man.  Not-here sounds terrific.

MOKVAR:  Look, there’s no telling how much uglier this is going to get for us.  If things really go bad in Kalimdor, we need some good people still standing over on the other continent.

LIADRIN:  There’s still Sylvanas and Lor’themar to run things there.

MOKVAR:  You mean Miss “When in Doubt, Throw More Plague on It”—

FARANELL:  You do realize who she has in charge of making all the plague, right?

MOKVAR:  —and Mr. “Does Anyone Actually Know Who I Am, and By the Way Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat”?

LIADRIN:  Seriously, why does no one ever remember who Lor’themar is?

GARONA:  Who?

LIADRIN:  <sigh>

MOKVAR:  Liadrin, really, I know you want to help, but right now the best way for you to do that is by getting somewhere safe.

LIADRIN:  What are you going to do?

MOKVAR:  <taking out the stone he’d received from Jaina>  I’ve got one more card to try playing.

LIADRIN:  Whatever it is, good luck.

MOKVAR:  To all of us.

Garona stealths and sneaks off; Faranell teleports himself and Liadrin away.  Mokvar holds out the stone, channels a spell for several seconds, then disappears in a green flash.

Blackout.  In Theramore, Jaina joins Deliana in the tower above.

JAINA:  You haven’t moved since Mokvar left.

DELIANA:  <shrugs>  As long as I keep looking and not seeing anything, then nothing else is coming apart.

JAINA:  Hopefully he’ll be able to convince them.

DELIANA:  Hopefully.  Thank you for being willing to listen to him.

JAINA:  I’ve been rumored to know what it’s like to trust an orc when it’s not a terribly popular thing to do.

Rhonin enters.  As he does, stagelights illuminate the Theramore courtyard below, where Garona unstealths.  The scene below unfolds as the conversation in the tower continues: Garona is immediately attacked by Pained, Shaw, and a few of the Theramore guards; she attempts to fend off their attacks without actively striking anyone, while trying to talk, but to no avail; eventually more Alliance troops mob her, beating her viciously.

JAINA:  Rhonin – any luck calming them down?

RHONIN:  <shaking head>  No more than you’ve had so far.  This entire turn of events is proof of why both sides should have listened when we tried to start peace talks.

JAINA:  I don’t think listening was ever the strong suit of either of the leaders involved.

RHONIN:  Still, I’m hopeful that given a chance to calm down, they’ll eventually be willing to reconsider.

JAINA:  The question is whether they’ll give themselves that chance to calm down.

RHONIN:  You think they might do something rash?

JAINA:  If they don’t, the Horde might.  Either way, we all lose.

Falstad and Jonathan drag a bloodied Garona up to the tower and enter, followed closely by Pained and Shaw.

JONATHAN:  Lady Proudmoore, we have another Horde captive!

JAINA:  What…what did you do to her?

SHAW:  Nothing these orcs don’t deserve.

FALSTAD:  Aye, the troops made sure this one’d be takin’ some partin’ gifts, if’n she escapes…

JAINA:  This… Is this what it’s come to now?  Is this what we’ve reduced ourselves to?

PAINED:  We didn’t start this war, my lady.

GARONA:  <halting>  No…but Malkorok…is coming…coming to finish it.

JAINA:  Malkorok!  He’s still in charge?  Mokvar couldn’t stop him?

GARONA:  He…he tried… And then he…he sent me to…to warn you…to…  <looks around disgustedly>  …to save you…

JAINA:  Warn us about what?  What is Malkorok doing?

SHAW:  <shoving Garona>  Answer her, orc!

JAINA:  Let her!

GARONA:  Malkorok…Malkorok is bringing the Horde to…to attack Theramore…and…  <spits out blood, then looks around again angrily>  He’s throwing the whole force at the north gate…

PAINED:  We can pull everyone into the keep and fortify it, my lady – they’ll never get past the walls without siege engines.

SHAW:  Still, I’d recommend sending out an advance force to intercept, maybe thin out their numbers before they can get here.

JAINA:  See to that, Mathias.  While you go out to meet them, we’ll make sure the city is sealed up tightly.  General Jonathan?

JONATHAN:  Yes, Lady Proudmoore?

JAINA:  I want you, General Redmane, and Admiral Aubrey coordinating the defenses here.  I’ll speak to Rhonin about setting up some spells to reinforce the outer gates.

JONATHAN:  Yes, ma’am.  I’ll relay your orders.

Jonathan runs out.  As he releases his grip on Garona, she jerks to one side and pulls free of Falstad’s grip, then stealths.

FALSTAD:  Dammit!  Where’d tha’ one go?

PAINED:  We’re having a very bad day with prisoners today…

JAINA:  Never mind that – everyone get to work preparing for the attack.

The other officers exit.

I’d hoped it wouldn’t come to this…

DELIANA:  I think I see them coming…

JAINA:  <sighs>  I’d better get down there, then…

Jaina exits; Deliana continues watching from the window.

Blackout.  In Dustwallow Marsh, near Theramore, Malkorok enters with the rest of the Horde force, stage left.  From stage right, an Alliance group enters, led by Falstad, Shandris, and Shaw.

SHANDRIS:  There they are!  Stop them!  For the Alliance!

The Alliance rushes at the Horde and the two sides begin fighting.  Malkorok stands back, surveying the battle and watching the sky.  As the fighting rages on, he fires a flare into the sky; after a moment, a blinding burst of light flashes from offstage to the right, as an enormous explosion is heard.  The blast throws several of the Alliance on the right side of the stage a good distance to the left, and many of them sprawl on the ground unconscious.

MALKOROK:  HAHA!  There!  It is done!  See what becomes of the enemies of the Horde, Alliance dogs!  Now, quickly, finish them all, and—

MOKVAR:  <offstage>  Not so fast!

Mokvar enters in ghost wolf form from stage left, closely followed by Vol’jin mounted on a raptor and Baine Bloodhoof on a kodo.

VOL’JIN:  Yah, mon, dere been enough killin’ already taday!

MALKOROK:  You!  I see the traitor has made friends among the malcontents!  No matter, troll, you can watch and learn how—

BAINE:  We will watch nothing other than you standing down!

MALKOROK:  Stand down!  Do you think yourself Warchief now, tauren?  Is that an order?

BAINE:  No, Malkorok, I know I’m not Warchief.  <stares Malkorok down a moment>  And yes, that’s an order.

From stage right, Jaina staggers in unsteadily.

Lady Proudmoore!

SHANDRIS:  <pulling herself up slowly>  Jaina…you…you survived…!

JAINA:  Rhonin…Rhonin ported me out of the city at the last second… But he…he…

MOKVAR:  <looking offstage to the right>  Liana…?

JAINA:  <looking back>  My…my city…my people… They’re…they’re…

MALKOROK:  Enough of this!  Soldiers of the Horde, this is our moment – strike down your enemies once and for all, and—

BAINE:  They will do nothing of the kind, Malkorok!

VOL’JIN:  You be done givin’ orders, mon!

MALKOROK:  And who will, troll?  You?  You think you have any authority to take over here?

VOL’JIN:  Funny ting you be askin’, mon.

Another ghost wolf enters behind Vol’jin, Baine, and Mokvar.

I ain’t da one who be takin’ over.

The ghost wolf moves to center stage and transforms into Thrall.

THRALL:  I believe you’ve done more than enough today, Malkorok.

MALKOROK:  So the prodigal shaman returns!  No matter!

Malkorok draws his axes and rushes at Thrall.  Before he can reach him, Thrall extends one hand and summons a whirlwind that holds Malkorok suspended above the ground.

THRALL:  I’ve faced far more imposing threats than you.  More menacing and chilling than the likes of you could even imagine.

MALKOROK:  <struggling to break out of the whirlwind>  Yes, I know all about your battle with Deathwing, shaman…

THRALL:  I was talking about Aggra with morning sickness.

Jaina finally pulls her attention away from the ruined city and approaches center stage, looking around angrily.

JAINA:  I tried to tell you… And Rhonin… You did this…all of you…did this with your hate…  <starts to build a fireball in her hand>  Well now I have some hate of my own…

THRALL:  Jaina, no!

JAINA:  Don’t try to defend him, Thrall!  You see what he did here!

THRALL:  <glares over to Malkorok, still suspended>  I could care less what happens to this…this.  But the rest of my people have done nothing.

Jaina continues gathering the fireball in her hand as she eyes Malkorok.  In the background, Dontrag and Utvoch can be seen helping Falstad and Shaw to their feet.

JAINA:  Get them out of here.

SHAW:  But Jaina, they—

JAINA:  Today isn’t the day for anyone to argue with me.  Get them together and get them away from here, Go’el.

Thrall nods, then gestures to Vol’jin and Baine.

BAINE:  All of you, come and come quickly.

VOL’JIN:  Time ta make ourselves invisible like da Lich King’s horse!

BAINE:  You really need a new joke.  Seriously.

The Horde slowly makes its way offstage to the left; Baine and Vol’jin follow them.  Mokvar finally pulls himself away from the sight of Theramore and slowly walks across the stage, stopping to stare a moment at Malkorok as he goes, then exits as well.  Jaina’s gaze never moves from Malkorok.

JAINA:  We’ve all lost a great deal to this conflict…  <looks back over her shoulder>  All of you…leave us.

The Alliance members trickle out; Shaw is the last one to linger at the edge of the stage.

SHAW:  Um, actually, strictly speaking, there isn’t anyplace for us to go to anymo—

JAINA:  Get OUT, Mathias.

SHAW:  Random swamp wandering it is, yes ma’am.

Shaw exits.

JAINA:  You should go too, Thrall.

THRALL:  I suspect there are more than a few pieces to pick up back in Orgrimmar.

JAINA:  You should go help pick them up, then.

THRALL:  I’m sorry for your people, Jaina.

JAINA:  A lot of us are sorry.  Or will be.

Thrall releases Malkorok and starts to walk away.

MALKOROK:  The great Warchief!  That’s it, is it?  You side with this human over your own kind!

THRALL:  <continuing to walk away without looking back>  You are not my kind, Malkorok.

Thrall exits.

MALKOROK:  Don’t you walk away from me when I’m—

Malkorok starts to move toward Thrall but is stopped when Jaina unleashes her fireball on the ground in front of him, cutting off his path with a wide patch of flame.

JAINA:  Malkorok, is it?  I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced.  I’m Jaina Proudmoore.  <summons another fireball in her hand>  I think it’s time we had a long, long – terribly long, really, and maybe unnecessarily slow – talk.

The curtain closes.  Just as it does, a bright red flash can be seen through the heavy cloth, accompanied by an orcish voice crying out.  The remaining stage lights go out.

Surprises from the land down under

So after the last few days, I decided I needed to relax and blow off a little steam, so I locked myself away upstairs for some gaming time, and…well…see for yourself.

 

You have logged on.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  I’m just about to start on the outback now

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  did you get the bread crumb quest to alice springs?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Hey, chief

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Hail, Garrosh!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  hi garrosh

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Hey guys

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  what’s up, boss?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  oh and hi, lorthemar

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  are you new?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Eh, doing okay, I guess

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Erm, no…

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Just need to destress a little

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I’ve been in this guild for months.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Why do people keep asking me that?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  oh okay

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  anyway, garona, when you start questing in the outback, just watch out for the dingo packs

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] has earned the achievement [Heroic: Sydney Opera House]!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  they’re bad news, huh?

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  grats!

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Congratulations!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  grats BQ

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Thank you, all! ^_^

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  And greetings, Warchief.  My apologies for being a bit distracted.  I was focused on an instance.

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  yeah gayle, they just turn up out of nowhere and swarm you

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh hey, that’s right, I forgot all about the expansion!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  ugh great – well thanks for the warning

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  How are you guys liking Australia?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  I take back all the jokes I made about it.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  the new zones are gorgeous!

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  they really did a nice job on it from what I’ve seen so far

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  BQ’s leaving us all in the dust, though

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  she’s level 60 already

[ProfHubert | Faranell] has logged on.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh wow

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well, I needed something to occupy myself with while many of you were going about the much more important work of fighting for the glory of the Horde.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  hi prof

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Shining success that it was.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Hey Edwin.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You could always put in a little time tracking down what happened to Koltira Deathweaver, you know

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh hey, there’s the doc

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  His whereabouts *are* indeed a mystery, I will grant.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  That’s good, I’d meant to check up on him after the dust settled

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  hiya prof

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You know, make sure he was still there and okay

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Yeah.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Warchief?  Why would Faranell not be okay?  He’s been here in the Undercity the whole time, nowhere near the conflicts in the Barrens and Dustwallow.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Huh

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  hello all

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Hey doc, how goes?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Hmm

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, good point, Sylvanas…

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  have I mentioned how much I love this new aoe looting?

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  it goes.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Oh man, yeah, that’s great.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  That was indeed a superb addition.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh hell yeah, is that active finally?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  yup

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay, so I think it’s time for me to get out there and have a look

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Going into the new zone cinematic, so I’ll be quiet for a few

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  So Edwin, everything okay down in the Apothecarium?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Enjoy, Warchief.  Let me know if I can be of any assistance.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  it’s fine.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Fairly quiet, since, as the good doctor will surely confirm, there’s little going on there other than routine defensive research.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  unless you count all the plague, yeah.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  lol

[Proudleslie] has logged on.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Your…droll sense of humor is amusing as always, doctor. A fine jest indeed.

[Guild][Proudleslie]  oh man what a week i’ve had

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Um…

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  if you say so.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  hi leslie

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Greetings!

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  oh no

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Isn’t that…?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  yeah

[Guild][Proudleslie]  hi everyone

[Guild][Proudleslie]  it’ll be good to unwind here a little

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  This isn’t going to be pretty, is it?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  nope

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  have you had a chance to get started on australia yet, leslie?

[Guild][Proudleslie]  just the first night

[Guild][Proudleslie]  i pulled a late nighter and managed to get a couple levels

[Guild][Proudleslie]  then i had a bunch of stuff blow up on me rl

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Sounds very hectic, Leslie…

[Guild][Proudleslie]  and now i have this new job so

[Guild][Proudleslie]  yea it really is

[Guild][Proudleslie]  brb afk

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  hb

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Oh HO, look at this!  I just found one of those rare koala pets!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  omg jealous!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  but yay!

[Guild][Lorthemar]  It is a cute little thing.  A bit odd looking, but…

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay, so that’s done

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  wb

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  so you’re in sydney now?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah…have a bunch of quests to do

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  the one with the wombat is kind of tough

[Guild][Proudleslie]  ok back

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay, well here we go

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Hang on

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  wb leslie

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Welcome back, both of you!

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Um…

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Oh boy

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  here we go

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Uh, YEAH here we go

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So…just to make sure I’m not mixing this up with some alternate reality or something

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  is that who I think it is?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Yeah.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  yeah, it’s jaina

[Guild][Proudleslie]  thanks gayle

[Guild][Proudleslie]  thanks lorthemar

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Welcome back, Leslie.  Good to see you again.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Question #2

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  WHY IS SHE STILL IN THE FUCKING GUILD

[Guild][Proudleslie]  thanks livin

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I hope things have settled down for you a bit.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  I don’t think anyone has seen her on since last time

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  and the whole thing with varian

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Warchief, if I may…

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Yeah, I guess nobody bothered to go back and gkick her while she was offline.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  And also why the hell are you being all buddy buddy with her, Sylvanas?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  A suggestion, Garrosh?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  That’s actually part of my suggestion.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  What suggestion, to be friends with our enemies, especially the ones who completely torpedoed what should have been a decisive win for the Horde?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Because apparently, we’re running Heroic Bizarro World in real life now?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Warchief…

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Or are you throwing in with Baine and Vol’jin to commemorate Hey Everybody Let’s All Piss Off Garrosh Week?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  That’s only a week?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Warchief, please hear me out.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh trust me, I’m all ears

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Consider for a moment: it’s precisely *because* Jaina has proven such a thorn in the Horde’s side that we should consider keeping her in the guild.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Because…?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  I’ll get another virus queued up, just in case…

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Recall the old adage, Warchief: keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  By all appearances, Jaina does not realize who we are.  I can’t imagine why Varian wouldn’t have told her, but then, considering Varian’s evident mental acuity, I suppose anything is possible.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  In any case, we have here among us a high-ranking member of the Alliance, who we know to have Varian’s ear, and will likely be privy to a great many of their plans, not to mention whichever ones she might be involved in personally.

[Guild][Proudleslie]  huh its gotten all quiet

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  If we can keep her around, we might be able to use it to our advantage, to ply inside information from her about our enemies’ movements.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I’d tried to make this same suggestion to you a few months ago when we discovered Varian had joined the guild, but you kicked him before I could make my point.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  But this time, Warchief, please, consider the possibilities here.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  I have to admit, it’s a pretty smart idea.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  they’re talking in officer chat

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I’m already working on befriending her.  We don’t need to do anything other than allow her to stay around, while we watch for openings.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I understand that you’re angry about the recent setbacks, but think of the benefit we might gain from this, with hardly any risk of loss on our part.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Huh… Okay, you know what, that actually IS pretty smart

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So, yeah, okay, let her stick around

[Guild][Proudleslie]  oh

[Guild][Proudleslie]  about what?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I’ll bite my tongue

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Thank you, Warchief.  I promise you won’t regret this.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  We’ll just have to make sure nobody slips up and gives away who’s actually in the guild

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  most people have been getting pretty good about rl stuff

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Probably me.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  lol

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Yeah

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, well, hopefully we’ll get something useful out of this

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Meanwhile, let me get back to leveling

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  i should get going actually.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  see everyone soon.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  bye prof

[ProfHubert | Faranell] has logged off.

[Guild][Proudleslie]  bye profhubert

[Guild][Proudleslie]  bah too slow

[Guild][Proudleslie]  oh hey

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] ?

[Guild][Proudleslie]  since most of the officers are on, could i get a guild invite for my bf?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You’re not going to be cybering him in guild chat, are you?

[Guild][Proudleslie]  omg

[Guild][Proudleslie]  i’m so so so embarrassed about that

[Guild][Proudleslie]  i’m so sorry, it wont happen again i promise

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Also, she has a boyfriend now?  Since when?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Beats me.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  And who is it?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  I don’t really keep up with celebrity gossip.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Working on it…

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, sure, Leslie, just as soon as I’m out of combat here

[Guild][Proudleslie]  ok

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  it’s ok, leslie, i’ll get him, just whisper me the name?

[Guild][Proudleslie]  ok!  ty

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Hmm, well this is interesting…

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  What?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I’m trying not to press for too much information, obviously…

[HonaleePuff] has joined the guild.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Welcome!

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  One moment.

[Guild][Proudleslie]  hi sweetie!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  welcome puff

[Guild][HonaleePuff]  THANKS EVERYONE

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  whoa don’t yell!

[Guild][HonaleePuff]  WHAT?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Oh good, he’s a caps-talker to boot.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  people still do that?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  the caps, it’s like you’re yelling

[Guild][Proudleslie]  thats just his deep sexy booming voice heehee

[Guild][HonaleePuff]  LOL

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Ugh, you weren’t kidding about this wombat thing

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  The damn thing’s killed me twice now

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  see I told you

[Guild][Proudleslie]  omg i hated that thing

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Did we ever find out who this guy is, by the way?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I have a strong suspicion based on what she’s told me…

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Would you like a hand, sir?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  That would be great, thanks

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Happy to be of help!  Send me an invite?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Incoming

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  And that would be…?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Got it!  I’ll be there in just a moment.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I’m pretty sure that he’s Kalecgos.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  whoa

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  ok everyone, I need to go for a while

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Wait, you mean the Aspect of Magic Kalecgos?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Well, not anymore

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Farewell!

[Guild][Proudleslie]  bye gayle

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Well yeah, but he was.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  for like ten minutes

[Guild][HonaleePuff]  BYE

[Garona | Nightengayle] has logged off.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So wait…how sure are you about this?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Quite sure, actually.  Based on what she’s said, and a few bits and pieces I’ve picked up from my own sources.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Huh

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Well, that settles it

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  what?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  She’s officially run out of mammals

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  haha

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  -Sigh-

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Oh yikes, yeah, I didn’t think of that.  I didn’t know Jaina was a scaley…

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Well you kind of had to figure nothing was off the table with her

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Ugh scalies creep me out.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh, like you wouldn’t do Alexstrasza if you had the chance

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Who could blame him, really?  I wish I had her body.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  You kind of do.  Like, exactly.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Thank you, Mokvar…I think.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Just don’t start going all Bragor on her now, Mokvar

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Okay, here I am!

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Hang on

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  -Shudder-

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Don’t remind me.  I’ve been starting to wear parkas during his shifts…

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Uh, dude…

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Yes? Is something wrong, sir?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  What’s up with your toon?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  What about it?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  It’s kind of a girl

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Don’t know if you’ve noticed

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Um, yes, I know, sir… Is that a problem?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So…you play a female toon?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Yes…?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  To be fair, he IS a blood elf.  He pretty much plays a female toon in RL too…

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  …

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay, dude, fine, whatever works for you

[Guild][Proudleslie]  thats actually pretty smart

[Guild][Proudleslie]  you would be AMAZED how willing guys are to help when you have a female avatar

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  That’s actually quite true…

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay, well whatever, let’s just kill this damn wombat

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Also to be fair, whose ass would YOU rather look at for 60 levels?

[Guild][Proudleslie]  haha well if you’re asking ME…

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Too…many…jokes…

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Heh.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  -Sigh- again.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  There we go!

[Guild][Lorthemar]  See, pretty painless with the two of us.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Thanks, man

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  or…whatever

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Any time, sir.

[Guild][HonaleePuff]  OUCH

[Guild][Proudleslie]  omg sweetie what killed you?

[Guild][HonaleePuff]  SOME PACK OF DOGS

[Guild][HonaleePuff]  THYE JUST FLATTENED ME

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  ohhhh the dingoes got you

[Guild][Proudleslie]  omg dingoes ate my baby!

[Guild][Proudleslie]  its ok i can rez you

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  So Leslie, I’m curious, how long have you and Puff been together?

[Guild][HonaleePuff]  NOT VERY LONG REALLY

[Guild][Proudleslie]  nope not long at all

[Guild][Proudleslie]  we only got together this past week

[Guild][Proudleslie]  but it feels like we’ve know each other for ages

[Guild][HonaleePuff]  : )

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oh, well congratulations to you both, then.  I hope you’ll be very happy.

[Guild][Proudleslie]  ty

[Guild][Proudleslie]  its just funny too, b/c just a couple weeks ago i was talking to my friend

[Guild][Proudleslie]  and he just got married not too long ago

[Guild][Proudleslie]  and he was telling me how life would be much better if i found someone to share it with

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Gee, I wonder who THAT could be

[Guild][Proudleslie]  and a few days later here he was!

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  That’s very sweet indeed.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  And not at all contrived in its timing.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Also, seriously, Thrall’s spending his time now dropping by to tell Jaina she needs to get herself a man?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Or, I guess, to narrow it down to one and settle down?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Watch, he’s become one of those people who get married and then feel like everybody else needs to get married too.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  You know, misery loves company.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  haha

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  No no, I’ll tell you exactly what that is

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Thrall’s been dropping by to hang out with Jaina

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Only now, he’s got a wife pulling him aside when he gets home, like, “So hey, what exactly is the deal with the blonde chick you’re spending all this time with?”

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  “Who I was hearing things about, like, all the way out in Nagrand”

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  haha

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  And so I’ll bet you anything, Thrall was like, “Okay, I have to get this chick hooked up so the missus gets off my ass”

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Heh, yeah, wife aggro.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  And seriously

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  If he didn’t want wife aggro, I mean, come on

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  He fucking married a woman NAMED Aggro, pretty much

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  aggra aggro?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Hah

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Anyway

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I need to get going

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Have a meeting with Malkorok

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Have to run for a while, guys

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Have fun

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Oh joy…

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  later boss

[Guild][Proudleslie]  bye pwn

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Take care, sir.

You have logged off.

Monday mailbag

So yeah, I know I’m just getting this mailbag in under the wire for it to count as Monday, but whatever, it’s hard to get a stable internet connection out here in the fucking swamp.  I’m writing from the field as we make our final march into Dustwallow Marsh.  I figured I haven’t answered any mail for a while, so it might be good to offer up a few messages from the my loyal Horde minions before we but a roflstomping on the humans.

Let’s see what we’ve got…

 

Written on a heavy parchment in multicolored inks, the first impression of this letter is one of chaos. Small sketches of Tauren, prairie wolves, swoops, and other sights of Mulgore clutter the margins, at times encroaching on the text itself. The sketches are obviously done quickly, but with moderate skill; the subjects are clearly recognizable even though the drawings are rough and unfinished. In contrast, the words meander across the page, crooked and shaky, with the occasional backwards letter. Many times a word will be started in one color of ink and finished in another, as if the writer got distracted halfway through the word.

Dear Mistr Warcheif Sir,

I have a question, and the nice ork Mistr U told me to write to you and ask. Hes visiting, and hes been reel nice to me. He talks a lot. Sumtimes I cant ask him anything because he talks too much. But he told me to ask you. He said you would kno. I wanted to ask if brown orks taste diffrent than green orks. Do green orks taste like mint? Are brown orks chocklate? Tauren taste like fur. Why are you brown when the other orks are green? Did you eat too much chocklate? Everyone tells me I cant eat too much chocklate, itll make me sick. Did you get sick from chocklate? Mistr U needs to go now, so I have to stop riting and give this to him.

The letter is signed with a large, inky pawprint, a small sketch of a Tauren druid in cat form, and the shaky name “Taktani,” with every letter in a different color ink.

Um…

Hmm…

Well…

<scratches head>

The FUCK is this?

Okay, so I get that the talkative orc this person is talking about is probably Utvoch… I mean, starts with “U” and talks too much, how many of those could there be?  And I guess this is good since it confirms D&U must still be alive in the restored timeline after…well…you know.  Um…I GUESS that’s a good thing.  Not sure what Utvoch is doing in Mulgore rather than Vindication Hold up in Stonetalon, but whatever.  I guess being killed in the line of duty earns you a little R&R time.

As for you, Taktani…um, no, brown orcs don’t taste like chocolate, and green orcs don’t taste like mint.  Although it IS kind of funny thinking of that, since it would mean, what, Thrall and Aggra are going to have mint chocolate chip babies?  Heh.  But no, we just taste like….orc.  I mean for real, I get enough attention from the ladies as it is, what with me being Warchief and dead sexy and all — last thing I need is for word to start getting around that I taste like chocolate too.  Dude, I won’t be able to walk down the fucking STREET.

Anyway, Taktani, thanks for writing just the same.  Hopefully you’ve outgrown Tauren Kindergarten-Land in Mulgore, and are off doing some bigger-kid stuff.  The Horde can always use more good soldiers, especially on my watch with me looking far and wide for ways to keep the troops busy.  Ashenvale’s looking pretty nice this time of year, if I can make a recommendation.  Just don’t get too much of the damn night elf glitter in your eyes.

 

Hey mon!

I’m writing’ to ya from one of our ships headin’ down to Theramore!  I’m on a boat, mon!

Make sure ya watch it to da end, mon!

–Bob, S.S. Echo Isles

I… he… what the hell IS this, the mailbag of WTF?!

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that this Bob guy managed to dig up a new and creative way to be stupid.  Funny, though, I’m pretty sure that’s the song I’ve been hearing Vol’jin humming to himself for most of the trip down.  Maybe it’s some kind of a troll thing…

 

Hail, Warchief!

Time is short, in more ways than one. I’m writing this for those of us on the road to Theramore.

The hour of assault approaches. There may be some who doubt why we’re here. Why we’re doing this. Why we must. The reason can be given in one word: Taurajo. A hunters’ camp, not a military target, annihilated by marauding Alliance soldiers. Soldiers, I say? I misspoke: they weren’t soldiers, they were bandits. Bandits supplied, equipped, and brought to Kalimdor through one place and one place only.

That is why Theramore must burn.

That is also why I make what may sound like a peculiar request. When we make the final assault, those of us who aren’t compelled otherwise should wear Thunder Bluff’s colors. Not only will this show our solidarity with our Tauren brothers, it will also remind those cowards why we come. To remind them that Justice neither relents, nor sleeps.

For the Horde! And for Taurajo!

–A Concerned Citizen

Now THAT’S what I’m talking about!  Go to it, ACC, lay some truth on them motherfuckers!  I’ve got to say, one thing that’s fucking infuriated me on this trip has been seeing how many of our people HAVEN’T on board with me with the post-Taurajo hate.  Check this out — I even heard a rumor that Baine was telling people that Taurajo was a legitimate military target, and the human commander at least gave the civilians room to flee, and he wonders if we’ll conduct ourselves as honorably.  This is BAINE talking.  BAINE.  THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT?  In what backwards-ass universe am I more pissed off about Camp T than chieftain of the fucking tauren?!

Anyway, I’m definitely encouraging the troops to follow your suggestion, ACC.  And on that note, we’re about to spit up the force for the final march.  I’ll update again soon…can’t wait to see the looks on the humans’ faces.  I’ve got a little surprise planned for them…

The last Warchief

Dranosh kept staring down at the ruins of Orgrimmar as we circled high above the city.  We were too far to hear anything other than the faintest sounds of the demons and undead, but the fires were unmistakable even from here.

I finally went over and stood next to him.  He didn’t look away from the sight below.  We stood there in silence for a few minutes.

 

DRANOSH:  Do you remember the first time you saw Orgrimmar?

GARROSH:  <nods>  Thrall brought me, not that long after he came to Garadar.

DRANOSH:  My father took me.  He was so excited to show me the new home the orcs had built.  So proud to introduce me around – every grunt, every merchant, everyone.  I remember thinking how every last person in the city seemed to know him.

GARROSH:  Well, he IS Saurfang.

DRANOSH:  <nods, then pauses>  Maybe Thrall should have chosen him.  Or Cairne.  Or…Vol’jin.  <shrugs>  Or you, for that matter.

GARROSH:  I thought you said I’d be terrible at it.

DRANOSH:  Have you looked down there?  At what I’ve led us to?  I don’t think you would have done much worse.

GARROSH:  <staring down>  This…this wasn’t your fault.  You’ve been a good Warchief.

DRANOSH:  Then why am I in danger of becoming the last one?

 

Remember when I said this timeline was the better one?  Well, as long as time is getting screwed with anyway, let’s go back and erase that I’d ever said that.  Orgrimmar was bad enough…but now Dranosh…

At least the Wrathgate killed him quickly.  Not one little piece at a time.

We stood there silently for I’m not sure how long, until Dranosh finally turned around and gave Drok the order to set us on our way to Theramore.  As we started to pull away, Dranosh took one more look down at the burning shell of Orgrimmar.

 

DRANOSH:  I still don’t understand how this happened…

MOKVAR:  Warchief?  I think I might have at least a few answers for us…

Mokvar pulls a frog from until his cloak and dangles it by one leg.

GARROSH:  Is that…?

MOKVAR:  Neeru Fireblade.  I’ve been keeping him hexed.  I figure he may be able to fill in a few gaps if we want to pop him.

DRANOSH:  Is this the one who did this?

GARROSH:  Not alone.  But he was the ringleader of those warlocks in the Cleft of Shadow, anyway…

DRANOSH:  <visibly fuming>  Oh… Oh, bring him out.  I want to talk to this one…

Mokvar nods and drops the frog on the deck, then zaps it with a frost shock to break the hex.  Before Neeru Fireblade can react in his restored orc form, Dranosh grabs him by his robes and shoves him back against the railing.

DRANOSH:  Oh hello, Neeru, so glad you made it out in one piece…

Neeru struggles against Dranosh’s grip, but Dranosh only shoves him back harder.

It would have been such a shame if you’d gotten yourself killed back there and cost me the chance to do the honors myself.

Neeru looks around at the gunship, then grins and chuckles cruelly.

NEERU:  Based on our surroundings, I assume the day goes badly, eh, Warchief?

GARROSH:  Not nearly as badly as it’s about to go for you if you don’t talk.

DRANOSH:  I’ve got a lot of questions, Neeru, but here’s the main one – why?

NEERU:  <laughing>  Why?  Why would I work against my enemy?  Are you really that naïve, boy?

DRANOSH:  How is the Horde your enemy?  You’ve been a citizen of Orgrimmar for years!

NEERU:  And a warlock of the Burning Blade for longer!  That shaman who came before you wanted to believe so badly that some of us might yet be redeemed that he gave us haven in his precious capital.  Even when his agents told him my loyalties might be…conflicted…the trusting fool still left me there in my tent to go about my business unimpeded.

GARROSH:  Wow, seriously?

MOKVAR:  You didn’t know about this?

GARROSH:  Would have been nice if he’d left me a fucking note about it or something…

NEERU:  <chuckling>  Allegiance to the Shadow Council is not foresworn so readily.

DRANOSH:  So you’ve been sitting there all these years plotting this?

NEERU:  This specifically?  No, no, boy.  Simply…watching for moments of opportunity.  And the Scourge attack on Orgrimmar proved a superb one.

GARROSH:  While we were busy watching the rear gate, there was nobody to keep an eye on you bastards in the Cleft.

DRANOSH:  Is that what the demons were doing in the Deadwind Pass?  Gathering for your go-ahead?

NEERU:  Our go-ahead, and more importantly our beacon to target their portal.  The Legion also happened to have, in the Deadwind Pass, some ideal resources for a surprise attack such as this.

GARROSH:  Malchezaar, in Karazhan.

NEERU:  Holder of one of the most powerful sources of portal magic in this world – the Book of Medivh.

DRANOSH:  Hold on – I’ve heard of Malchezaar, but I thought he was dead.

MOKVAR:  He was.

GARROSH:  Repeatedly.

MOKVAR:  Didn’t take.

DRANOSH:  Excuse me?

NEERU:  <chuckling>  Your mind is so comically linear.

GARROSH:  Malchezaar hung out in the highest level of Karazhan, where it pokes through into this whole other dimension.

MOKVAR:  Netherspace.

GARROSH:  Time doesn’t work the same way up there…it’s like it’s locked in this infinite loop.  So people went up there and killed him, yeah, and then a few days later the loop would reset, and he’d be there alive again.

MOKVAR:  And then someone else would kill him, and in a few days the loop would reset again.

GARROSH:  On and on endlessly.

DRANOSH:  And he just stayed there to die over and over?  Why would anyone do that?  Why wouldn’t he just leave?

NEERU:  Because so long as he was there, he could never truly die, you fool.  No matter how many deaths he might endure – hundreds, perhaps – the Netherspace would always restore him.  The perfect hiding place for the Legion to stash away a key weapon for safekeeping, until the time would come that he would be needed.

DRANOSH:  So today the demons cracked Malchezaar out of storage to bring them here…

NEERU:  <smirks at Garrosh and chuckles>  I wish you could have seen the look on your face when—

DRANOSH:  <shaking Neeru violently>  I would be a little more worried about the look on you face when I cut off your head and stick it on a pike, Fireblade!

NEERU:  Do you wish to, Warchief?  Then by all means.  I had no delusions that I would escape this endeavor alive.  But I believe.  Don’t you see?  It doesn’t matter if you kill me.  I’ve lived long enough to see Orgrimmar burn.

Dranosh loosens his grip on Neeru and stares over the warlock’s shoulder at Orgrimmar.

DRANOSH:  You’re forgetting something, Neeru.

Neeru arches an eyebrow quizzically.

Orgrimmar is behind you.

Dranosh draws his sword and runs it through Neeru.

You haven’t seen anything.

Neeru seizes up, then goes limp on the sword.  Dranosh extends his blade over the deck railing, then shakes off the body, letting it plummet to the rocks below.

GARROSH:  <spitting over the side>  Dismissed.

Dranosh stands at the railing, looking down, then looks back at Orgrimmar.

DRANOSH:  I should have caught what they were doing.  This should never have happened.

Garrosh stands next to Dranosh.

GARROSH:  You’re part right.  This shouldn’t ever have happened.  <looks at Mokvar, then back>  What if we could fix it?

DRANOSH:  Yeah, sure, we’ll just rewind time and take it all back.

MOKVAR:  Not exactly.

GARROSH:  Look…what I have in mind isn’t a sure thing by any means, and I’m not even sure exactly how to do it myself.  But I think I can find out.  And if it works…well, things won’t be perfect.  Like, at all.  But the demons won’t be running roughshod over the world, and the Scourge will be under control.

DRANOSH:  Sounds pretty perfect to me.  You sure you haven’t been dipping into the felweed again?

GARROSH:  I’m serious.  It won’t be easy, even if we can do it at all.  And…I don’t know if we’ll all make it through alive.  In fact…I’m pretty sure we won’t.

DRANOSH:  But Orgrimmar, our people – they do?

GARROSH:  I think so, yeah.  If what I’m thinking works.

DRANOSH:  <nods slowly>  If that ends up being the cost… A mediocre Warchief is a small price to pay for the survival of the Horde, don’t you think?

GARROSH:  I don’t know.  I’ve only seen great ones.

DRANOSH:  What do we do?

GARROSH:  First I need information.  <thinks for a minute>  And before we get too far along to Theramore, I need to make a quick side a trip to Ashenvale.

DRANOSH:  What’s in Ashenvale?

GARROSH:  An old friend.

 

Oh yeah. Shit just got real.