Archive for stupidity

The Liebster Award comes to Orgrimmar

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2014 by Garrosh Hellscream

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So this one was a surprise.  Here I was, going through my volumes and volumes of fan mail LIKE I GET ON A DAILY BASIS, and lo and behold, I get a message from someone nominating me for an award.  The someone in question was Myriade, writer of Myriadoscope, and the award in question was something called the Liebster Award, which I didn’t really know anything about at the time but which I could already say with confidence that I DAMN WELL FUCKING DESERVED.

So I did a little looking around to see what the deal was with this award, and what I would need to do to beat out the other nominees to win it, like if there was honorable combat involved because holy crap you know I would be all over that shit, but, come to find out, it doesn’t work that way.  There’s no final WINNER, just a chain of nominees naming other nominees to draw people’s attention to other blogs.  Which is kind of cool, as far as spreading the word about good reads, even if it IS a little hippie for my tastes what with the “we’re all winners!” vibe, which, come on.

Anyway.  Here’s the quasi-official description of the award, which everybody seems to be quoting, because it’s the hip thing to do these days:

Well, it is only an AWESOME award given to up and coming bloggers. Given by other up and coming bloggers. It’s a cool way to find other blogs and feel like you are getting into the blogging stratosphere. It is simple, you get nominated by someone else, mention their page and a link to their blog in your Liebster Award Post, answer the 11 questions they give you, then tag 11 other nominees and give them a new set of 11 questions to answer.

So, as you can see, receiving the nomination means I have some work to do now.  FUCKING AWESOME IDEA FOR AN AWARD, FOLKS, HONOR PEOPLE BY STICKING THEM WITH FUCKING HOMEWORK.  Anyway.  Here are the 11 questions from Myriade:

1.  Favourite race/class in WoW and why?

Quick note on the lingo here: Those of you who aren’t as internet-savvy as yours truly might be a little thrown off by that “WoW” acronym.  Apparently it’s a new thing in online circles to use that as an abbreviation for “Whole of World,” as in, fucking everywhere.  Which, granted, is kind of like how some people will literally say “LOL” now rather than just laughing, which I’ve never really gotten on board with myself, because fuck those assholes.  Anyway.

As for the actual question, I mean, come on, you even need to ask this?  Orc, because what the fuck else would I want to be, and warrior.

2.  Achievement/Title you’re proudest of?

Obviously, the easy answer here is the title of Warchief.  Hard to top that one.  Still, I could probably make a case for Chieftain of the Warsong Clan, since that one came from me pulling my emo head out of my ass to assume my place as leader of our clan and Grom’s successor.

But, nah, I’m still going to go with Warchief.

Although, since I’m probably going to be heading down to Blackrock Mountain soon, I may have to see about picking up [Leeeeeeeeeeeeeroy!] while I’m in the neighborhood.

3.  What’s in your bags (any character, or all of them)?

Huh.  I’m not sure if this is asking about real life, or my Earth Online characters.  I mean, for myself in reality, I don’t really walk around with a whole lot of stuff on me.  (Such as, you know, a shirt.)  I try not to weigh myself down more than I have to, seeing as I need to be ready to leap into action at a moment’s notice, and really, keeping Mannoroth’s tusks balanced on my shoulders can be a tough enough job on its own, without lugging extra crap around with me.

As for my EO toons, hoo boy, they have flat-out TOO MUCH stuff in their bags.  Just tons of random crap, receipts from vendors, little odds and ends that they’ve picked up but aren’t really useful for anything but I still haven’t ever gotten around to tossing.  And by the way, I just have to ask, who the fuck is the psychopath over at Genesis Entertainment who designed the bag system in Earth Online?  Dude, you can’t carry fucking ANYTHING with you!  You pick up like six or seven things, and your bags are full.  Have these game designers never left their houses or something, so they don’t even know about stacks of 20?!

4.  Favourite expansion/instance/boss fight?

Huh.  Another Earth Online question.  Okay.  Well, there’s still plenty of content I’ve never gotten around to, to be honest, but I’m pretty fond of the BlizzCon raid.  It’s always kind of a hoot seeing which random contestant spawns you get in the cosplay gauntlet leading up to the Joker Jay <Host with the Mohr– er, Most> boss.  But I think my favorite encounter is the Lore Panel council fight — you know, the one with the lead quest design guy, and the historian adds, and most of all the council leader guy, Chris what’s-his-face, the dude with the beard who kinda sounds like Varian.  I LOVE getting to run up and smack that guy in the face.  Especially if it’s one of those pulls where he randomly mind controls me for a minute and makes to do some shit that doesn’t make a damn bit of sense.

5.  Pet peeve in WoW?

Wait, you want me to narrow this down to one?  I don’t know about that.  But here’s a few, off the top of my head:

Humans.

Gnomes. OMFG gnomes.

Whoever it is who keeps using the last of the toilet paper in the Grommash Hold outhouse and not putting out a new roll.  (Your Warchief does NOT like having to do the Waddle of Shame over to the storage shed.)

Dontrag.

Utvoch.

“There”/”their”/”they’re”.  Because FUCK YOU, internet:

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Varian, especially the way he keeps breathing.

Being corrected on which one is Dontrag and which one is Utvoch, as if anybody really gives a shit.

6.  What inspired your blog?

I think I mentioned this way back in my first post.  It all got started when Eitrigg recommended I take up blogging.  He said I might find it a helpful outlet, to talk about what’s on my mind, keep a running record of my experiences, all that sort of thing.  I think he figured it would give me a chance to reflect more, and think about situations before acting.  Or some lazy old man shit like that.  Anyway, that’s how it got started, and it’s just been a gravy train of awesome since then.  AREN’T YOU LUCKY.

7.  Favourite blog-related moment?

Umm… Well, considering I detail almost everything that happens to me here, pretty much any moment from the last couple of years would be a blog-related moment, right?  Gotta say, that one mailbag where Windblossom wrote in about clocking Varian still gives me all kinds of happy.  Memory lane:

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I’m sure there others.  I might point out others as I think of them.

8.  One thing you can’t live without?

Okay, okay, go ahead and make your joke about lemon squares.

Real answer?  Sappy as it sounds, Gorehowl.  Not even for what an awesome weapon it is, either.  Having it with me is like a constant, living (but not) reminder of where I’ve come from, of the legacy of my father and the resilience of the Horde, of everything our people have endured and overcome.  Having it with me is like a validation of our kind.  Like a little part of Grom is still here, watching what he enabled us to become.

9.  Place you’d most like to visit?

Hmm.  You know, I’ve gotten around a whole lot the last few years, between the Northrend campaign, and all my inspection visits around Azeroth, and now all our work in Pandaria…  I’m not sure if there’s really anywhere I haven’t gotten to see at this point, other than, like, other planets and shit.  Or, say, getting to see places I know, like back home on Draenor, back before things got all fucked up.  But that would be changing WHERE I’d most like to visit to WHEN I’d most like to visit, which is cheating, for one thing, and also, FUCKING TIME TRAVEL.

10.  Favourite fictional character?

At the risk of being repetitive, this guy:

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I mean, can you imagine if someone like that actually existed?

11.  Soundtrack to your life?

Well, most days, when things are going fairly well, it’s pretty much this:

 

 

But there’s also this:

 

 

And this:

 

 

(Also, in that one, note the Mortimer cameo at 3:24!)

And, let’s face it, given the clowns I usually have surrounding me, some days I feel like it might as well be this:

 

 

And last but not least, if I’m honest, when I’m in one of my more puckish moods, this:

 

 

Also, the kazzoo?  That’s totally me.

 

So, next up.  This is the part where I’m supposed to link 11 more blogs, and give those bloggers 11 questions of their own to answer.  One problem, though — I was going back through some blogs to tag, and while there are a few that still haven’t gotten a nomination already, for every one I found that no one had gotten to, there were like 10 would-be nominees that were already off the table.  So, you know, if you do the math there, that means that in order to pull together my 11, I would have to rifle through something like 110 blogs, and, I mean…I’m just way too lazy for that shit.  I mean really.

SO.  Here’s where I cheat a little and change things up, so I can still do some tagging and point some attention to some worthy bloggers, while also indulging my laziness.  STAND BACK, BITCHES, because your Warchief is about to flip the script like Lor’themar flips benches.

SO, here’s the deal.  I’m still going to toss out 11 questions to be answered, but instead of scraping together a blog list to tag, I am tagging…YOU.  That’s right, you — if you’re reading this post, consider yourself tagged, so you scroll your ass right down to the comments and post a reply with your 11 answers.  NO DUCKING OUT ON THIS COMMAND FROM YOUR WARCHIEF, PEOPLE.  Especially if you’re one of my regular readers and commenters — I know you’re out there, and I know who you are, and most importantly I KNOW WHERE MANY OF YOU LIVE.

And now, the questions.  READ ’EM AND WEEP.

  1. Do you write a blog?  Link it here if so!
  2. What was the first Azerothian blog you ever read?  Was there an early memorable post that hooked you?
  3. Recommended reading, part one!  Link and endorse three bloggers that you’d encourage your fellow readers and minions should check out.
  4. Recommended reading, part two — link one single post, from wherever, that makes you think “OMG, people HAVE to read this.”
  5. How long have you been reading the Command Board?  What post or storyline was your jumping-on point?
  6. One more chance for shameless self-promotion: Are you on Twitter?  Give yourself a non-Friday #FF here if so.  Also feel free to recommend a few accounts worth following.
  7. What class do you play on Earth Online?  (Don’t try to deny that you play.  I know my readers.)
  8. What real-life ability to do you wish your Earth Online character could use?
  9. Here, I’ll throw a bone to Utvoch.  The age-old hoof question: Fem-taur or draenei girls?
  10. Whose head would you rather have on a pike, Varian’s or Magatha’s?
  11. If the world were going to end (or change substantially) in, say, oh, six months or so, what would be your bucket list of things you’d want to get done first?

There, you have your assignment.  Get to it!  YOUR WARCHIEF HAS SPOKEN.

30 Days of Character Development #3: D&U

Posted in 30 Days of Character Development with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 12, 2014 by Garrosh Hellscream

[Each week, a post will profile one of the blog’s many supporting players.  (See the first profile for more details.)  Since I didn’t get around to posting a profile last week, this time around I’m making up for it with a double of sorts.  Feel free to chime in with recommendations for other characters you’d like to see more about!]

 

d-and-u_profileNamesDontrag and Utvoch

Occupation:  Horde infantry soldiers (ranks: Dontrag—Sergeant; Utvoch—Scout)

AgeDontrag—31; Utvoch—29

Class:  Warrior

Group affiliations:  Horde (members), Overlord Krom’gar’s army (former members)

Known relativesDontrag—Adrasa (sister), Ug’thok (nephew); Utvoch—Krila (aunt)

Earth Online notes:  D&U play EO with mains GilbertRose (Dontrag) and SteveKravitz (Utvoch), and are members of Garrosh’s guild <Warchief>.  Utvoch briefly changed his character’s name to “Dranosh,” but was roundly criticized for the name choice, because really.  He reversed the name change shortly thereafter.  Also, guildmate Sylvanas Windrunner appears to take particular amusement in baiting the duo into arguments about which of them is which.

First appearance:  “Visiting Zoram’gar” (first mention), “Underneath the bunker” (first full transcript appearance)

Key posts and plot points:

  • An unsuspecting Garrosh first encountered Dontrag and Utvoch at Silverwind Refuge in “Visiting Zoram’gar” and dispatched them to join Overlord Krom’gar’s forces in Stonetalon.  He would later encounter them during his investigation of Krom’gar’s operations in “Underneath the bunker” – featuring D&U in supporting roles in Mokvar’s first transcript.
    (D&U can be found in-game both at Silverwind Refuge and in the Deep Reaches beneath Krom’gar’s fortress.  In the latter instance, they’re joined by goblin questgiver Blastgineer Igore; blog readers may take a certain amusement in Igore’s quest-text commentary on our cerebrally challenged friends.)
  • After Krom’gar’s “dismissal,” D&U remained stationed in Stonetalon, under the command of newly appointed Overlord Cliffwalker.  They were frequently recalled to Orgrimmar and other locations for various missions, but remained officially assigned to Cliffwalker in Stonetalon prior to their dispatch to Pandaria.
  • Evidently, according to a letter from D&U in one mailbag, Utvoch has (or had) enrolled in some extension courses, including diplomatic writing.  Academic records from the undertaking have not been released.  At one point, Utvoch convinced Dontrag to take a class with him, but the pair failed the course when they were caught handing in the same paper.  To the same instructor.  Yes, really.
  • Utvoch – sans Dontrag – traveled to old Hillsbrad, ten years in the past, with Garrosh, Mokvar, Liadrin, and Faranell during the Anti-Plague of Southshore storyline.  Like the other members of the group, Utvoch later found himself trapped between two fluctuating timelines; Garrosh and Mokvar noted, with no small degree of amusement, that this situation likely led to many confusing discussions between Utvoch and Dontrag.
  • Utvoch met and befriended Taktani in Mulgore just before she started writing in to Garrosh’s mailbag; Dontrag would meet her as well not long after.  Since Taktani’s arrival in Pandaria, Garrosh has charged D&U with keeping an eye on Tak and generally helping her navigate the complexities of the adult world, a job that Utvoch appears to have taken to somewhat more enthusiastically than Dontrag has.
  • Many people, Garrosh prime among them, frequently lose track of who is Dontrag and who is Utvoch – which is actually rather peculiar, given that they don’t really look very much alike.  Sylvanas, in guild chat, seems to understand which of them is which, but deliberately baits them into arguments on the subject anyway.
  • Regular readers will be well aware of Garrosh’s habit of giving people (often dismissive) nicknames.  Dontrag and Utvoch are among his most frequent targets; some of his favorites for them include the Dumbass Duo, Ketchup and Mustard, and the Wonder Twins.

In their own words:

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Describe your relationship with your mother or your father or both.  Was it good?  Bad?  Were you spoiled rotten, ignored?  Do you still get along now, or no?

I didn’t know my father.  I think he was killed in the attack on Shattrath.  I got along pretty well with my mother, though.  She always used to tell me how I could be anything I wanted to be and accomplish anything I set my mind to.  Then I started working with the trainers and she had her first parent conference.  After that she mostly saved the thing about being whatever you want for my sister.  –Dontrag

I don’t really remember my parents.  They both died in the first war after the Dark Portal opened.  My aunt ended up raising me until I was old enough to fend for myself.  –Utvoch

How vain are you?  Do you find yourself attractive?

I guess I was a little vain for a while, during that year in the Barrens when I was trying to get away with the comb-over.  I started losing my hair early and it took a while for me to accept that I wasn’t fooling anyone.  –Dontrag

I don’t think I’m bad looking or anything, but I don’t really think I’m anything special.  Luckily I spend most of my time hanging out with this guy, so I figure I must end up looking like at least a 7.  –Utvoch

What are your most prominent physical features?

My thick, full head of hair.  –Utvoch

Screw you, Ut.  –Dontrag

Name one scar you have, and tell us where it came from.  If you don’t have any, is there a reason?

Well, I’ve got this one scar on my forehead, on the right side.  I was trying to explain which of us was which that time in Karazhan, and, um…well, the Warchief kind of got impatient and backhanded me. –Dontrag

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I’ve got one across my left cheek.  It’s just above the line of my beard, so I don’t think you would really notice it unless you were looking for it.  I got it when I got those people killed by that yeti in Hillsbrad because I accidentally went out of my way to kill a giant moth, and the Warchief got really mad and belted me.  Although the worst part was how he yelled.  He got that tone that he gets.  –Utvoch

Oh, yeah, I’ve got one on my face, too, right under my left eye, from that time the Warchief—  Wait a minute, when you said to name them, did you mean you wanted us to name them name them?  In that case, I think I’ll call the one under my eye Al.  –Dontrag

I think I’ll name mine Dranosh.  It means “Heart of Draenor” in orcish.  –Utvoch

Everybody knows that, you idiot.  And it’s still not cool to use that name.  Anyway, for the one on my forehead, maybe I’ll name that one The Reminder.  –Dontrag

I don’t get it.  But I love the idea of a name that’s “The” something.  I have to remember that if I ever have kids.  –Utvoch

What does your desk/workspace look like?  Are you neat or messy?

Depends on which of us used it last.  I try to keep our desk sort of organized back at the barracks.  Donty’s a slob, though.  I always end up having to pick up after him.  It’s like having a second job half the time.  –Utvoch

Depends on which of us used it last.  It’s not so much that I’m messy, really – it’s more me being lazy.  I don’t care enough to put in the extra effort to put everything in order.  And I mean, I would if I had to, but I figured out a long time ago that Ut’s compulsive enough that if I just leave it alone, he’ll do it eventually himself.  So, like, it’s not so much that I’m messy as I delegate well.  –Dontrag

Do you have any irrational fears?

Other than the Warchief getting a little madder than usual one day and stabbing me?  Fire makes me antsy.  I always get nervous around fire mages.  Or mages casting fireballs in general.  I always get this weird creepy feeling like I’m about to get torched–Dontrag

Owls freak me out.  Not even, like, giant ones, either.  Although those are even freakier.  Just plain old regular owls.  The way they stare at you, and plus, when they go “who!”, I always feel like they’re mocking me and Donty.  –Utvoch

If you could time travel, where would you go?

Probably old Hillsbrad, since I didn’t get to go last time, just to see what the big deal was.  –Dontrag

Maybe back to that time we went back to old Hillsbrad, and let Donty go instead?  That whole thing was really confusing, and I think the Warchief got even madder with me than usual, and plus there was that whole thing with the end of the world, which wasn’t a whole lot of fun.  –Utvoch

What might your ideal romantic partner be?

I won’t lie.  I’ve always had a thing for tauren women.  Can’t resist them.  (It’s the hooves.)  –Utvoch

You are a sick, sick orc, Ut.  –Dontrag

Homecoming

Posted in Comics, General with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 11, 2014 by Garrosh Hellscream

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So now that things are kind of under control in Pandaria, Malkorok and I have been taking a few days to travel back to Orgrimmar and check on things there.  So far it’s been one damn thing after another, all the way down to Orphan Matron Battlwail giving me a few dirty looks, for what reason I have no idea.  I swear, if I leave town for any length of time, everything goes right down the tubes.  It never ceases to amaze me how many of these people turn into a bunch of Dontrags and Utvochs if they don’t have me there to cut their meat into little pieces for them.

Center stage, though, is Eitrigg.  I left him minding the store while I was in Pandaria, and no sooner had I boarded the ship than all that crap started going down with Mokvar.  I had a good long meeting with Eitrigg earlier today about just what the fuck was going on, and he tried explaining his reasoning for Iffy Decisions A through G, but honestly I’m starting to think age is starting to catch up to him.  I’ve got another meeting lined up with him later in the week, and I’m thinking I may have to arrange a little more…support before I head back south.  I’ve already talked to Overlord Runthak about taking over military command directly, and beyond that, I’m thinking Eitrigg could benefit from having a Kor’kron overseer or two assigned to him to do a little, well, overseeing.  Overseer Elaglo’s been doing some good work on a couple projects, so I’m thinking he might be in line for the call.

Anyway, I’ve got a bunch more people I need to touch base with, but our old buddy Liadrin is in Orgrimmar and has been asking to see me — not to mention I’ve had Spazzle in my ear yammering away on her behalf, about some big important thing she needs to discuss with me.  So I figured I should see what’s up with those two.  We hooked up outside Grommash Hold right after my debriefing with Eitrigg.  Luckily, Gurtash’s hand is healed up enough that he’s able to get back to doodle duty…

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* Horde agents, with aid from within Dalaran, stole the Divine Bell from Darnassus, as accounted here.

** As Garrosh notes, Jaina did indeed get a bit upset about this.  Spazzle reported on the purge of Dalaran here.

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* Liadrin arrived in Orgrimmar and met with Spazzle here.

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Burdens of the spirit

Posted in General, Transcripts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 14, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

cradleofchiji

After the disaster with the Divine Bell, I spent a couple days channeling old-Nagrand-Garrosh – brooding and moping in my quarters here at Domination Point.  Other than occasional tactical reports from General Nazgrim, most people had the good sense to leave me to myself.  Hell, even Dontrag and Utvoch managed to keep their yaps shut for a couple days.  This may or may not be related to me slapping them around several times when I first got back to the base.

The time to myself gave me the chance to think more about where to go from here.  After what went down at the Emperor’s Reach, it’s painfully obvious that I need to start taking matters into my own hands.  Trouble is, in practical terms, I’m not sure what that actually ENTAILS.  So, one step at a time: Time to act one the one avenue I have open to me, and worry about what comes next when I get there.  Elder Cloudfall told me he could help prepare me for my destiny, or however he fortune-cookied it, so it’s time to take him up on the offer.

Granted, I’m not exactly thrilled about what little I’ve heard about that Kypari Zar place, so a few more answers might be nice.  Any bets on whether I’ll actually get them?

Anyway, I had some trouble tracking down Cloudfall at first.  He wasn’t anywhere on the base, and Ben-Lin didn’t know where he’d wandered off to.  Finally, Jorn Skyseer told me he’d been talking with Cloudfall about some of the areas nearby that our hunting parties have been hitting up, and he pointed me toward the island to the east.  The one where the trainees used to go crane hunting when we first set up shop here in Pandaria.

I flew over to the island, with Taktani in tow.  Cloudfall was sitting on a rock along the shore.  He and Zhi-Zhi were sitting back to back in one of those meditation poses that look like they would hurt your legs like hell, eyes closed, off in their own little world.

 

GARROSH – Hey, Gramps.

(Mr. Elder Panda man and his money friend just keep sitting on the rock and being quiet.)

GARROSH – Elder?

(Elder Panda still doesn’t respond.)

GARROSH – Hello?  Chimps?  Anybody home?

(Mr. Monkey didn’t answer either.  I hope his ears are okay!)

GARROSH(tapping Zhi-Zhi on the shoulder)  Hey, Banana Boy!

ZHI-ZHI(jumping, startled)  AAAH!  Oh…oh, the One!  Much apologizing, Zhi-Zhi did not see you, was thinking great thoughts.

GARROSH – Uh, yeah, whatever.  So listen, I… Hang on.  (turning to me)  Tak?

TAKTANI – Hi!

(Mr. Warchief kind of stared at me for a minute.  Maybe he forgot what he was going to say?)

GARROSH – Yeah, hi.  So now that we’ve met, is there a reason why you’re not, y’know, writing anything down?

TAKTANI – Oh!  I’m sorry, Mr. Warchief.  I forgot to bring my paper.

GARROSH – You…forgot.

TAKTANI – I left it back in my room!

GARROSH – You realize that’s the ENTIRE reason I bring you places, right?

TAKTANI – Don’t be mad!  I’m sorry!

(Mr. Warchief rubbed his eyes and forehead for a minute.  I think maybe his eyes were sore because of how sunny it was.  I should give him some sunglasses for his birthday!  Does anyone know when his birthday is?)

GARROSH(still rubbing his eyes)  Of all your crimes, Mokvar, this may be the most grating…

TAKTANI – I don’t understand, Mr. Warchief.

GARROSH – Never mind.  Okay, look, Tak, you’re not off the hook yet.  You just made some extra homework for yourself.

TAKTANI – But I’m not in school, Mr. Warchief!

GARROSH – Yeah, well, maybe this will teach you lesson #1: Don’t forget the tools of your damn trade!

TAKTANI – I’m sorry!  :(

GARROSH – So…here’s what you’re going to do.  Most of the sand around here looks pretty wet.  So YOU, little miss Swiss Cheese Brain, can just sit yourself down and write your notes in the sand, and then come back with your paper and copy it later.

TAKTANI – Ooh, that sounds fun!

GARROSH – BEFORE THE DAMN TIDE COMES IN.  (sighs)  Okay.  So.  Back to you, monkey boy.  What’s up with Old Man Furball here?  Is he off in some weird panda brain-freeze zone or something?

(While Mr. Warchief was talking, I started writing everything in the sand like he said, like this and this and this and YAY this is fun!  Oh and I did like he said and came back later to copy it all down and I even brought Mr. D and Mr. U to help check my spelling, because they’re smart and nice.  And SEE, Mr. Warchief, I got it all done just like you said!  Oh oh oh but while I was writing it out, there was a seagull flying around, and it pooped on the first page.  I hope you notice it’s there before you touch it.)

 

I didn’t.

 

ZHI-ZHI – Ah, ah, yes, Elder Cloudfall is in deep meditation.  Much more focused than Zhi-Zhi.  As matter of fact, Elder has been teaching Zhi-Zhi meditation techniques, teaching to block out everything around Zhi-Zhi.  Will help to center Zhi-Zhi.

GARROSH – So you can think more great thoughts.

ZHI-ZHIAhh!  You are understanding!

GARROSH – So how long does it usually take for Captain Comatose to come back out of these—

CLOUDFALL(not moving, eyes still closed)  I can hear you, Warchief Garrosh.

ZHI-ZHI – Elder!

GARROSH – So, Gramps, if you could hear me, any particular reason you didn’t answer me before?

CLOUDFALL(continuing to keep his eyes closed)  I was in the midst of pursuing a line of thought.  I felt it more pressing that I complete it.

GARROSH – Isn’t it kind of rude to just ignore people when they talk to you?

CLOUDFALL – Is it not rude to interrupt people who are clearly meditating?

ZHI-ZHI – But, erm, Elder, you are hearings all the transpiringses…um…were we not practicing our deep meditation exercises?

CLOUDFALL – I have been practicing these techniques since before your great grandmother was born, Zhi-Zhi.

GARROSH – So anyway, now that you’re done with that—

CLOUDFALL – I’m not.

GARROSH – You’re what?

CLOUDFALL – As I said, Warchief Garrosh, I have been availing myself of the peace and solitude of the beach to think.

GARROSH – Um, okay?

CLOUDFALL – I’m not finished.

(Mr. Panda Elder still hadn’t opened his eyes, and now he settled back into place more.)

GARROSH – Hang on, you’re seriously going to blow me off so you can fucking go back to…whatever, going over your grocery list or backtracking to wherever you left your keys, or whatever the fuck you’re doing?

(Mr. Panda didn’t say anything.)

GARROSH(to Zhi-Zhi)  Is he for real?

ZHI-ZHI(shrugs and waves one hand)  Is easier not trying to argue, truths to telling.

CLOUDFALL – There.  (opens his eyes, stands, and turns to Garrosh)  Now I am finished.

GARROSH – Well yay.

TAKTANI – Yay!

GARROSH – DON’T START.

TAKTANI – Oh.  :(

GARROSH – So do you mind telling me what was so important that it couldn’t wait?

(Mr. Panda man looked around the beach a few times.)

CLOUDFALL – Your pupil, Gurtash, and his peers.  I understand they used to come here on occasion.

GARROSH – Oh.  Yeah.  They used to go hunting here.

CLOUDFALL(nods)  This is a sacred place, you know.  The Cradle of Chi-Ji, the Great Crane.

GARROSH – Look, if you’re going to start complaining that they came here to—

CLOUDFALL – You misunderstand me, Warchief Garrosh.  I did not come here to pass judgment.  I came merely to visit a place of some import to the youths, away from the bustle of your fortifications, and allow them to enter my thoughts.

GARROSH – Ah.  Yeah.  They’ve been in mine a lot lately, too.

CLOUDFALL – Indeed.

(Mr. Warchief got kind of quiet and Mr. Panda man stayed quiet for a minute too and watched him.)

CLOUDFALL – In any case, I’m sure you did not seek me out to revisit such things.  How may I be of help to you?

GARROSH – By doing what you came here for in the first place.  You said you could help me get ready for this great destiny of mine.

CLOUDFALL – Indeed.  Or rather, I believe I can help you to meet it.  Whether it will prove to be great or not will be very much up to you.

GARROSH – Well, either way, you said that this Kypari Zar place is where he need to go to get started.  So, whenever you’re ready to go, let’s go.

CLOUDFALL – I also told you that you carry many shadows with you.

GARROSH – Kind of the point of us going to that Zar place, right?

CLOUDFALL – Indeed.  But you carry more now.  Perhaps needlessly.

GARROSH(sighs)  Can you bottom-line this, maybe, or are you going to do a whole speech again?

ZHI-ZHI(waving his hand)  Really much easier not to tryings with the arguings.

CLOUDFALL(pointing northward)  The temple to the north.  That is where the…calamity occurred?

GARROSH – Yeah, don’t remind me.

CLOUDFALL – Have you gone there since then?

GARROSH – No.

CLOUDFALL – You should.

GARROSH – Look, Gramps, I get that you’re probably going for some kind of hippie closure crap here, but if you think it’s actually going to IMPROVE my mood to go up there and find a bunch of—

CLOUDFALL – Warchief Garrosh, no facts that you find there will be so damaging to the soul as the nightmares your mind has conjured in their absence.

GARROSH(looking north)  Yeah, maybe.

CLOUDFALL – And in the process, you may allow yourself the opportunity to bring one lesser shadow with you on our journey.

GARROSH(sighs)  You’re just going to stonewall me until I go, aren’t you?

ZHI-ZHI – Really not worth tryings to—

GARROSH(slapping Zhi-Zhi)  Shut it, Spanks.

CLOUDFALL – Kypari Zar will still be there when you are done.

GARROSH(turns and starts to walk toward Mortimer)  Yeah, fine.  I’ll drop little miss Happy Kitty here off at the base, and get a couple things squared away, then…  (stops, then looks back at Cloudfall)  You know, I’ve heard of that Kypari Zar place before.

CLOUDFALL(perks an eyebrow)  Oh?

GARROSH – Last year.  I didn’t even know what “Kypari Zar” was.  But someone in…high places…told me if I went there, I would die.

CLOUDFALL(nods slowly)  You may.  In fact, you will.

GARROSH – Not the best sales pitch, Gramps.

CLOUDFALL – You will die if you go there.  But then, you will die if you do not.  Just as I will die if I take you, and I will die if I do not.  That we will die is assured, Warchief Garrosh.  The only question is how, and when, and why.

GARROSH – That’s a cop-out and you know it.

CLOUDFALL – I know no such thing.

GARROSH(shrugs and climbs onto Mortimer)  Well, whatever.  I’ve got enough on my mind these days, what’s one more thing, right?

CLOUDFALL – If I might make a suggestion, Warchief Garrosh.  A great many years ago, a former mentor offered me certain words of solace.  A phrase of great power and wisdom, and consolation to the soul in times of need.

GARROSH – What’s that?

CLOUDFALL – Have a drink.  Next one’s on me.

 

Not the worst idea in the world, actually.  I might head downstairs and see what we have on tap.  Meanwhile, I’m going to put a couple things in order here at the base, then take Mortimer back out for a flight over to the Temple of the Red Crane.  For better or worse.

More soon.

Moments of transition

Posted in Comics, Transcripts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 24, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

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After the last straw that was Garona’s report the other day, I decided that enough was enough.  I’d spent enough time flying half blind though everything and not calling in every possible resource.  So today I took a trip back to Tian Monastery to get some answers out of that Elder Cloudfall guy about this “destiny” I’m supposed to have.  This time I wasn’t taking no for an answer – if I had to beat some answers out of his cryptic panda ass, so be it.

I brought Ben-Lin along for the trip, since I figured she seemed to get along well enough with Cloudfall the last time, and maybe having her in tow might make it a little easier to bring him around.  I also brought Taktani, to take her first crack at transcribing…and Gurtash, too…you know, just in case.

Luckily, this time, Cloudfall was out strolling around the grounds when we arrived, so we didn’t have to waste time tracking him down.  So…over to Tak…

 

(We landed at the monastery place and everybody got all excited to see a pudgy fuzzy panda man going for a walk.)

GARROSH – It’s Elder Cloudfall!  Yay!

GURTASH – Yay!

BEN-LIN – Yay!

TAKTANI – I don’t know who that is, but yay too!

CLOUDFALL – Hi, Mr. Warchief!  It’s really good to see you again because I guess we’ve met before, only Tak wasn’t there for that.  But I bet it was fun!

GARROSH – It was!

BEN-LIN – Lots of fun!

CLOUDFALL – Oh that’s good!  I’m so glad I didn’t miss it!

TAKTANI – Aw, I guess I did miss it!  I’m sorry I wasn’t there too!

CLOUDFALL – Me too!

GURTASH – Me too too!

BEN-LIN – But you’re here now, Tak!

TAKTANI – Yay!

GARROSH – Yay!

CLOUDFALL – Yay!

GARROSH – Well I’m sure super happy to see you again, Mr. Panda!  Hold on a minute, I have to talk to Tak!

(So that’s when Mr. Warchief asked to look at my transcript to see how I was doing do far, and he got really mad for some reason and yelled at me, and I’m not going to write those things down because I don’t want to make Mr. Warchief look mean and then people might not like him as much.  But he told me I should just try to write down exactly what everyone says, word for word, and not – oh here, I can just show you!)

GARROSH – So, yeah, Tak, you should just try to write down exactly what everyone says, word for word, and not do these…embellishments or translations into Tak-speak or whatever, okay?

(See?  So I guess I’ll try to do that because I don’t want Mr. Warchief to get mad again, especially after some of the things he said he was going to do, they sound like they would hurt.  But I don’t want you to think Mr. Warchief is mean!  He probably just didn’t sleep too well and that’s why he’s grumpy.  Maybe he needs a new bed because he maybe doesn’t sleep well a lot.  Anyway I guess being a scribe is really serious so I’d better try to concentrate.)

CLOUDFALL – It’s a pleasure to welcome you once again to Tian.  Lady Cloudstrider, and Gurtash, I believe?

BEN-LIN – The pleasure is mine, Elder.

GURTASH – Oh wow, you remember me?

CLOUDFALL – Indeed!  I never forget a face, or a name.

GARROSH – Oh great, another guy with an uber-memory.  Nothing ever goes wrong with those guys.

(I didn’t understand what that meant but Mr. Warchief gave me a mean look when he saw I was going to ask something.  Maybe Mr. D and Mr. U can explain later.)

CLOUDFALL – One face is unfamiliar to me, however, Warchief Garrosh.  Tell me, who is your feline friend?

GARROSH – Oh…yeah.  Her.  This is Taktani.  She’s helping spot Gurtash a little as my scribe and record-keeper.

TAKTANI – Hi, Mr. Panda!  It’s nice to meet you!  You can call me Tak!  Or Tak-Tak, if that’s the way—

GARROSH – Don’t get started on that shit again.

TAKTANI – But Mr. Warchief, I just—

GARROSH – Anyway, she’s kind of in her trial period.  Her really, really tenuous trial period.

CLOUDFALL – Ah, well, I’m sure she’ll perform admirably.

GARROSH – That’s because this is your first time meeting her.

( :( )

CLOUDFALL – In any case, I should provide an introduction in kind.  You all remember our hozen friend, I’m sure.

(Oh I forgot to mention there was a monkey man, like the one at our fort, walking with Mr. Panda!)

CLOUDFALL – Taktani, allow me to introduce Zhi-Zhi.

ZHI-ZHI – Much pleasings to be making your acquaintances.

TAKTANI – Your name is Zhi-Zhi, Mr. Monkey?

ZHI-ZHI – The emphasizings should be on the first syllable, but yes.

TAKTANI – So we do say everyone’s name twice here!

BEN-LIN – No, Taktani, we say people’s names normally here.  It is simply a naming tradition among some of the hozen.

TAKTANI – Oh, I think that’s what Mr. D and Mr. U were telling me before.

GARROSH – I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but yeah, Dontrag and Utvoch were right.  So…congratulations, universe.  You win again.

BEN-LIN – Oh, is that who “Mr. D and Mr. U” are?

GARROSH – Yeah, Ben.  You’ve met them?

BEN-LIN – Briefly, yes.  I only was able to speak with them for a short time before I needed to go due to the mysterious onset of a terrible headache.

TAKTANI – I’m sorry you didn’t feel good.  Are you better now, Ms. Ben-Lin-Lin?

BEN-LIN – I am, thank you.

TAKTANI – Or is it Ms. Ben-Ben-Lin?

BEN-LIN – Although I believe it may be returning.

GARROSH – Tak, just zip it and try to focus on the scribing, okay?

TAKTANI – Okay, Mr. War-war-chief-chief.  Chief.

GARROSH – THAT’S NOT HOW NAMES WORK HERE.

BEN-LIN – It is a curious thing, Garrosh: there are times when I would swear that you are, in fact, heroically even-tempered.

GURTASH(leans over to me)  Make sure you get that down.

CLOUDFALL – Zhi-Zhi, while our guests are here, why don’t you take Gurtash’s mount to the stable.  Do you have your wyvern with you as well, Warchief Garrosh?

GARROSH – Mortimer?  No, not here with us.

(Elder Cloudfall waved to Mr. Zhi, and Mr. Zhi led Gurtash’s wyvern away.)

CLOUDFALL – I’m surprised, Warchief.  You seemed rather attached to the animal; I would have thought you would bring him with you.

GARROSH – Well, I rode him out here for the trip.  But there was a pond with some cranes nearby and so I figured I’d let him go do some hunting for lunch while we were here.

CLOUDFALL – Oh…Warchief Garrosh, I’m not sure if that was wise.  The Jade Forest is full of predators.

GARROSH – And?

CLOUDFALL – Well…are you not worried that your wyvern will be harmed?

(Mr. Warchief and Gurtash turned and looked at each other for a minute, and then they both burst out laughing really hard.  Mr. Warchief laughed so hard he had to lean on Gurtash and I think he even cried a little.)

GARROSH – Yeah, we…we better go find him.

GURTASH(barely getting the words out between laughs)  He might be in trouble, Captain!

GARROSH – From all those predators!

CLOUDFALL – Warchief Garrosh?

GARROSH – I love you pandas.  Don’t ever change.

CLOUDFALL – Ah.  Well then…to what do I owe the pleasure of your visit today?

GARROSH – Yeah, right, down to business.  It’s pretty simple, Elder.  We all know you and monkey boy have seen something about my future in those…whatever…vision caves or whatever you called them.  Last time I was here, I let you squirm out being all cryptic and evasive, but I need answers, and this time around you’re going to give them to me.

CLOUDFALL – Warchief Garrosh, surely you cannot expect me to lay out your future for you.  Nothing has changed since—

GARROSH – Listen, Lunchbox, last time you told me that when I was “ready,” we would meet again.  Well check it out, here we are, meeting again, and believe me, I’m ready as all fuck.

CLOUDFALL – You may be ready to hear, Warchief, but I still question whether you are ready to meet the fate before you.

GARROSH – How about you let ME worry about that, Deep-Dish?  Tell me what you’ve seen, for starters, and we’ll take it from there.

CLOUDFALL – It’s not as simple as you would presume.  You don’t understand the nature of the visions.

GARROSH – Illuminate me.

(Mr. Cloudfall just stared at Mr. Warchief all serious for a minute.  I hope he’s not getting a headache too!)

CLOUDFALL – Let me try to explain this, Warchief Garrosh.  The visions I spoke of provide a piece of the future, but they do not spell out events step by step.  They are fragments – as if you were to look at a painting, but only see the reds and yellows, but not the blues or greens.  They are pieces without context.

GARROSH – “Context”?  Are you serious?  You’re going to stonewall me over fucking CONTEXT?

CLOUDFALL – Warchief Garrosh, context is the solitary line that separates an act of barbarism from an act of kindness.  Even were I of a mind to tell you—

GARROSH – Listen to me.  You only just met us, so I don’t expect you to understand what’s at stake here.  So yeah, you know what?  Context.  So let me explain this to you.  You want to dance around what the future holds?  My people are in the middle of a war to DETERMINE their future.  And you do NOT want to know what I’ve already sacrificed trying to secure.  And meanwhile, I’ve got the people who are supposedly on MY side in all this running around behind my back, undermining me at every turn, cutting deals with my worst fucking enemies for what reasons I can’t even guess.  I NEED TO KNOW what the fuck is going on with all this.

CLOUDFALL(sighs)  To know anyone’s fate is a dangerous prospect, but to know one’s own

GARROSH – Are you worried about spoilers, Gramps?  Well, here, maybe this will help – I’ve already been spoiled.  I’ve already had one person take a peek into my future and come back with a report.  He told me “they” were going to turn against me.  And now it looks like he was right, only maybe he wasn’t.  I don’t fucking KNOW.  And I’m trying to look out for an entire fucking CIVILIZATION, and THESE are the things I’m having to spend my time thinking about.

(Mr. Panda got very quiet and mostly just looked at the ground.  I think maybe he didn’t want to make Mr. Warchief any more upset.  Or maybe he was sad to hear lots of people are being mean to Mr. Warchief.  That’s not very nice even if he does get grumpy sometimes.)

GARROSH – Listen, I get that you’re worried about giving away too much, or telling me things that I’m not going to be able to make sense of.  But there’s got to be some chunk of it that I can latch on to.  Give me SOMETHING.

CLOUDFALL – I wasn’t lying when I said that the visions were mere fragments.  Incomplete – not least of all because the events surrounding them are still in motion, still in flux…

GARROSH – How about this, then.  You and monkey boy both said I have a destiny.  The first time I met Chimps, he kept calling me “the one.”  Let’s start there.  What the fuck was he talking about?

(The Elder man got quiet again and rubbed his chin while he stared down for a minute.)

CLOUDFALL – You…are the one who brings the peoples of the Horde together under a common cause.  The one who sets in motion the events that bring about the emergence of a new Horde, a rebirth…

(Mr. Warchief looked all happy and proud.  I don’t blame him!  He’s going to be a hero!  Yay!)

GARROSH – Okay, so, why in the FUCK would you not want to tell me THAT future?

CLOUDFALL – Because you don’t know how you get there.

(Uh oh, Mr. Warchief got all serious again and looked at Mr. Panda all impatient.)

GARROSH – And…?

CLOUDFALL – And neither do I.

GARROSH – You’re about to get cryptic on me again, aren’t you?

CLOUDFALL – I’ve seen the reds and the yellows of your future, Warchief Garrosh, and I know that you stand upon a fulcrum: the choices you will make in the days ahead will determine how your destiny takes shape.  For now, I do not know the shape of that future or where it will take you.  I know only that it is born in pain.

GARROSH – Yep, I called that one.

CLOUDFALL – Warchief Garrosh?

GARROSH – Whatever.  The important thing is, as long as I know the Horde comes out strong on the other side of this, I’m ready to deal with whatever pain it takes to get there.

CLOUDFALL – No.

GARROSH – What?

CLOUDFALL – I wasn’t lying about that last time, either.  You’re not ready for what’s coming.  (pauses, thinking)  But…I think I can help you.  If you’re willing to face the shadows I once told you weighed upon your steps.

GARROSH – If I say yes, will there be a point where this doubletalk of yours starts to make sense?

CLOUDFALL – It may.  And if it doesn’t, you’ll be no worse off than you are now, I suspect.

GARROSH – I’m all ears.

CLOUDFALL – This is not something I can tell you, but a journey I believe I can guide you on.  There is a place, far from here, where you may be able to see for yourself, and begin to face your destiny.

GARROSH – Man, you pandas really do love to lay it on thick, don’t you?  You’re on, though.  Where to?

C8_Page_01* Garrosh received this message from A’dal here, while accompanying Liadrin to Shattrath.

Ut’s on first, Tak’s on second

Posted in Comics with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 20, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

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Things have been pretty quiet the last few days here at Domination Point.  We’ve had scouting parties scouring Pandaria for the tomb where the mogu hid the Divine Bell, but no word yet, so we’ve mostly been biding our time here at the base and slapping around some Alliance when the opportunity has presented itself.  After one such fun-filled opportunity, I got back to the base just in time for the latest wave of troop arrivals from Kalimdor.  According to Captain Drok, Garona came along for the trip this time and apparently has some news she needs to update me on – I guess she was over at the barracks getting settled in when I first got back, so I didn’t have a chance to talk to her right away.  (Oh the tragedy.)

Also among the arrivals…  <sigh>  Well…you remember that kitty druid with the…creative spelling patterns, who wrote in for a few mailbags a while ago, wanting to take over for Mokvar as my scribe?  Taktani?  Yeah…well…

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* Taktani first wrote to Garrosh here, then again some weeks later.  And again.  Finally, after word of the post-Mokvar opening reached her, she inquired (with big, hopeful eyes, one can only assume) about taking over as the Warchief’s personal scribe.

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Hopefully, between Gurtash and the Wonder Twins, they’ll at least be able to get Taktani’s spelling squared away enough that the transcripts won’t be too painful to read.  If not, well, Mokvar better hurry up and get his head straightened out and his ass down here to get back to work.

Anyway… I need to go see if Garona has calmed the fuck down so I can find out what this big news is that she came down here to report.

More soon.

Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge: EPIC VERSE live blog

Posted in EPIC VERSE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

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Those of you who were reading the blog last year at this time will remember Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge – when, in honor of National Poetry Month, I called upon my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS to give me suggestions for a whole slew of EPIC VERSE masterpieces.  You all stepped up to the plate (well, those of you who were here at the time…and for those of you who weren’t, WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?), and we had a month full of EPIC VERSE goodness.

This year, as I announced a couple weeks ago, I’m continuing the Poetry Challenge tradition with a live blog.  Yes, that’s right, it’s the SECOND ANNUAL Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge – sure to be an annual tradition for years and years to come.

For tonight’s lyrical explosion of spontaneous awesomeness, I’m once again calling on you all to inspire your Warchief.  Here’s how this is going to work: when this post goes live, you’re all invited to use the comments to post your ideas and suggestions – you can give topics, themes, characters, turns of phrase, ANYTHING you think might make for a good starting point to give me ideas for what I’m going to write.  (Try to keep your suggestions here in the comments, rather than Twitter/Facebook/wherever, so your fellow readers and I can see them all in one place.)

Starting at 8:00 PM EDT, I’ll begin the live blog by adding to this post.  At that point, I’ll start composing a new EPIC VERSE masterpiece (or masterpieces?) based on the suggestions you’ve given.  Feel free to keep offering new ideas as we go along – I might incorporate new suggestions into the poem I’m writing, or maybe use them for ANOTHER new poem before the night is out.  We’ll just see how it goes.  In any case…once the live blog has started, keep refreshing this page.  I’ll be adding to the post incrementally as I write, and you’ll get to watch your Warchief’s latest EPIC VERSE composed right before your eyes, in progress.

Kind of like getting to see how the sausage gets made.  If the sausage was made from the ground meat of the SUPER AWESOME UBER-BEAST RAISED IN THE PARADISE FIELDS OF GENIUS AND FED A STEADY DIET OF SOLIDIFIED PERFECTION AND BADASSERY.

*  *  *  *  *

Okay, kids, the show’s about to begin.  I’m going to take a moment and take a look at what we’ve got for suggestions so far, and maybe give the latecomers a minute or two to get their initial suggestions in before I get rolling.  Keep the ideas coming as we go, and I may still work them in as I’m able…

Remember, keep refreshing this page to watch the live blog unfold in progress.

*  *  *  *  *

The Dontrag and the Utvoch came
To celebrate the season,
And brought such pain to any brain
Imbued with any reason.

The Dontrag and the Utvoch asked
The Warchief for permission
To undertake — for sure, half-baked –
A Noblegarden mission.

The Dontrag and the Utvoch told
The Warchief of their plan:
To gather eggs from hopping legs
That bounced around the land.

The Warchief, for his part, approved,
And told them to proceed.
(He thought, of course, the only source
For this could be felweed.)

The Dontrag and the Utvoch ran
Across the Four-Winds Valley,
And high and low sought eggs to go
Into their final tally.

Then near a burrow, D&U
Saw wrigglin’ and squirmin’,
When to the ground, with mighty bound
Leapt out a giant virmen.

The Dontrag cried, “Move fast, Utvoch!
Don’t let it run off!  Grab it!”
For sure, he thought, they had just caught
The Noblegarden Rabbit.

The Dontrag and the Utvoch pounced
And lunged with all their might –
Though in no story was their quarry
Such a daunting height.

They found the Rabbit’s fury one
That not a one surpasses,
So by the end, their hoppy friend
Had badly kicked their asses.

The Warchief, when the pair returned,
Was unsure, sad or funny,
Which best to say, to know that they’d
Been beat on by a bunny.

The Dontrag and the Utvoch mused,
“At least we didn’t die.”
And down they sat on asses fat
And dined on humble pie.

EPIC V—

That was weak.

The FUCK?  Who the hell is this?!

What, you still don’t recognize me, Hellscream?  I thought you were good at spotting me online now.

Wait, don’t tell me this is—  Hang on.

SPAZZLE!

What’s up, boss?

The likelihood of me drop-kicking your green ass back to the Lost Isles, for starters.

That’s it.  Throw another hissy fit and alienate even more of your own people.  That’s a formula for success.

Oh…oh no.  Don’t tell me Varian broke into the blog again.

OH I’M TELLING YOU EXACTLY THAT, MOTHERFUCKER

Have you considered anger management classes, by the way?

What the hell happened to the SECURITY thingywhatsises you were supposedly building into the blog, like, FOREVER ago?

Ugh.  It must be that wireless connection you have down there.  I TOLD you Grizzle didn’t know how to set up a reliable network above the level of aluminum cans and some string.

Goddammit.  Well try to get him out of here, will you?  I’ve got a live blog to do.

You mean this exhibition of fail?  Hah.  I couldn’t pass up the chance to look in a watch you make an even bigger jackass of yourself than usual.

Hey, don’t be jealous just because I actually know how to string a few words together, human.

Actually, you know what?  Go ahead and be jealous of that.  Also of all the fans I have, who’ve turned out to bask in the brilliance (BACK ME UP HERE, PEOPLE).  And, oh yeah, of how much smarter and better-looking and all-around more awesome I am.

Hellscream, I haven’t done any writing since I was a kid—

I notice you’re not counting your own blog there.

—but even I could do better than these dimwitted nursery rhymes you’re spewing out.

You know what, asshole?  YOU’RE ON.  Let’s see what you’ve got.

CUE THE AMBIGUOUSLY THIRD-PERSON LEAD-IN!

*  *  *  *  *

EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

GARROSH HELLSCREAM

VS.

VARIAN WRYNN

BEGIN!

*  *  *  *  *

Come on, bring it, Hellscream – hope you’re ready to lose.
I’m pretty sure a basic campfire could rhyme better than you.
I’m the king!  The boss!  I was born to rule!
Thrall took his Doomhammer and left the orcs with a tool.
While I was ruling orc arenas with my wolf-god-modding
You were a whiny emo bitch busy whining and sobbing.
I’ll crush you, Garrosh, and add it to our duel triple feature
’Cause I’m the High King – you’re just a substitute teacher.

I’ve got no time for your Alliance propaganda,
Gonna beat you down so hard you’re gonna think I’m a panda.
You’re facing Garrosh, Lo’gosh – I was put here to pwn ya.
My dad killed Mannoroth; yours got ganked by Garona.
So the Warchief will pour grief and settle some scores:
I’m taking the lok’tar, all the ogar is yours.
No “either/or” in the fate that you deserved:
Crushed beneath the Horde – AND the one getting served.

Sure, hide in daddy’s shadow – I knew you’d bring up Grom,
I don’t remember that he ever had to use a mana bomb.
You’re on your own now, worried yet?  ’Cause your lackeys you’re lackin’ –
You’re not getting bailed out now by your magnataur and kraken.
I’m coming with a gag order, I’ve had more than enough,
You’re so much talk, even your howling axe won’t ever shut up.
You’ve got a skull that’s all tiny, and your jaw’s extra large –
Between your mouth and your brain, I guess that shows who’s in charge.

You’re one to talk jaws, Chin-Boy, yours could carve out a mogu,
I’d call you Scarface but you’ve got no friends to say hello to.
Your scars and fail and ponytail – you’re like Lor’themar Lite.
I’ll bake your pride in lemon squares: here, swallow both in one bite.
You’re defensive, apprehensive; I’m offensive, gone berzerker –
I bet Tiffin cut you off, that’s why you had to screw your workers.
My rhymes are terse and yours are worse, so curse and next time go rehearse,
Now FUCK YOU, VARIAN – that’s

EPIC

fucking

VERSE

<drops mic and walks away like a boss>

*  *  *  *  *

WHO WON?

WHO’S NEXT?

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

 

[Thanks for coming, everyone.  More weirdness soon...]

The fine art of persuasion

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 22, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

garrosharadvance1

So brace yourselves for this one – Lor’themotherfucker’s blood elves, who insisted I give them the chance to interrogate that mogu Shan Kien about the Divine Bell?  Guess what they turned up for us?  ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

I know.  I’ll give you a minute to sit down and recover from the shock.

Recovered yet?  Okay.  Moving on.

Anyway, after I’d given the elves time to establish yet again how completely and utterly USELESS they are, I sent orders for them to deliver Shan Kien over to the Kor’kron up in Kun-Lai summit.  By this point, Regent-Lord Eyepatch was back in Silvermoon on his prolonged post-sha-box crying jag, so I had the good fortune not to have to deal with a whole lot of complaining and protesting from his people when I sent the order.  I had Malkorok go up with his Kor’kron to receive the mogu at Garrosh’ar Advance – a small base we’d set up a ways north of Eastwind Rest – and wait for my arrival.

When I got there, by the way, Malkorok managed to get himself into another one of his cranky moods.  He was eating his lunch at the table we’d set up at the camp, and when I arrived he turned away from it to order the Kor’kron to bring Shan Kien out for me…whereupon Mortimer wandered over and, yep, you guessed it, polished off Malkorok’s food.  Mortimer seemed only too delighted — then again, who can blame him, seeing as I think that sandwich had bacon on it — although Malkorok was not pleased.  But I think he kept himself reined in since he could see what a kick I got out of the whole thing.

shankien1

Of course, as I was getting ready to leave the Sanctum of Two Moons with Blademaster Ishi, Baine overheard where I was going and decided to tag along to keep an eye on things.  Because…well…I don’t know, I guess he thinks that when you’re dealing with an agent of a malevolent enemy bent on world domination, it’s really super important that you be nice to him.  Or something.

I’ll grant, though, Baine did turn out to be handy.  I put in a little time trying my own brand of charm and persuasion on Shan Kien, but after a while my knuckles were getting sore, and that was when Baine suggested we use some Pandaren concoction called Memory Wine that would let us peek into Shan Kien’s memories and see where the Divine Bell had been hidden.  Which, by the way, um, WHY DIDN’T HE MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT THIS STUFF BEFORE YOU KNOW I BET THAT SHIT WOULD HAVE BEEN HANDY DON’T YOU THINK GUYS?

Ugh.

So, we got a volunteer to try out the Memory Wine, and got a peek of Shan Kien sealing up the Divine Bell in a mogu tomb somewhere along a mountainside.  The whole thing went surprisingly smoothly, other than the fact that while we were using the Memory Wine, it seemed like every couple minutes we had problems with the yaks we had with us suddenly running around all spooked.  Which started getting on my nerves after a while.  Anyway, since Gurtash is sort of our resident artist, I’m having him flown up to work up some sketches of the place to help guide the search parties.  I’m having Ishi stay up here to organize the scouts and coordinate.  Meanwhile, I’m going to check in at Domination Point and maybe look into a contingency plan or two.

Shadow boxing

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 14, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

lorthemar1

Well, this just goes to show what I know.

After our whole SNAFU with the sha claw, Regent-Lord Eyepatch went back to Silvermoon to personally supervise his people’s study of that sha box we recovered.  Before he left I tried to impress on him the importance of that project (I believe my exact words were “This is actually important, unlike everything else you’ve ever done in your life, so try not to make a giant fucking mess this one time, Lori”), and after leaving him to his devices a couple days, I sent some people up to Silvermoon to check on him and try to prod things along.

I just received a report back from Eyepatch.  And so, remember last time, how uneasy I was about having to rely on the blood elves for all these important jobs?  All the angsting I was doing over whether they could pull this off, rather than defaulting back to their standard “giant fucking mess” M.O.?  Well, after all that handwringing I was doing, you would probably expect Ponytail’s blood elves to find a way to pull off some spectacular new level of fail.

AND YOU WOULD BE RIGHT.

Let’s even set aside the fact that Ponytail started out crying about how anyone who tried to probe the box magically ended up being affected by powerful, negative emotions, because hey, it’s totally fair for him not to think of that possibility what with him being RIGHT HERE WITNESSING THAT VERY SAME THING HAPPENING WITH THE KOR’KRON NOT THREE DAYS AGO.  But then, we’ve long established that these blood elves aren’t exactly world-beaters when it comes to seeing things coming (DRINK).  So, moving on, witness fuckuppery the next: even AFTER having these problems with the crazy outbursts, Ponytail’s peeps kept plugging away, and ended up releasing some kind of sha creature that had been sealed in the box.  In a room with a couple of his mages and a handful of guards.  And nobody else.

So okay, let’s recap that for those of you keeping score at home.

AFTER traveling around some of the sha and mogu sites in Pandaria…and AFTER being on hand for our failed Kor’kron experiments with the claw… Eyepatch brought the box back home to Silvermoon…so he could stick it in a basement with minimal guard and a grand total of two magic-users on hand to work on it.  And then released a beastie that proceeded to kick the snot out of his generously snotty elves.  To the point that if some of MY people hadn’t been on hand to save the day, that sha thing might still be running roughshod over Silvermoon and we’d be having to get Sylvanas to send a task force over to bail them out.  (And by the way, don’t think for a minute that THAT wouldn’t make half the blood elf population drop a brick in its collective panties – HEY LOOK GUYS THERE’S AN ARMY OF UNDEAD HEADED THIS WAY OH SHIT NOT AGAIN.)

I mean, there are at least half a dozen reasons why that’s just a spectacular steaming heap of fail, but the winner right off the top of my head, I think is… WHY DID YOU EVEN BOTHER BRINGING THE DAMN BOX BACK TO YOUR HOME CITY if you weren’t going to positively SURROUND it with an entire fucking LEGION of your very best troops?  You go to all that trouble for like five guards?  Hey, guess what, Eyepatch, we could have put our sha junk under the watch of five random assholes right here in Pandaria.

LIKE HEY HOW ABOUT THESE GUYS EVEN, REMEMBER THEM?

fivenotsorandomassholes

So yeah, this is what Lori is crying about this week.  Well, today.  The week is still young.  Meanwhile, he’s already sent me four messengers, with each of the last three delivering an extra addendum to his written bitch-and-moan fest.  They’ve been arriving every couple hours, so I’m just imagining him sitting around in whatever palace he has up there (I’m guessing pink features heavily in the décor), sending off a letter, and then as soon as the messenger leaves, grabbing another parchment like “AND HERE’S ONE MORE THING!”

I did send him a response back to the first one.  Although…just to amuse myself, I addressed it to “That guy in Silvermoon, you know, the one with the poofy hair.”  I’m not sure which thought amuses me more: the amount of time it’s going to take them to narrow it down to Ponytail, or the look he’s going to get on his face when he sees it.

I know, I know.  I’m a stinker.

More soon.

"'Lori'? Seriously?"

“‘Lori’? Seriously?”

Monday mailbag

Posted in Mailbag with tags , , , , , , , , , , on February 11, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

mailbag18

So, since Gurtash has been taking his damn time with the next set of doodles of what went down at Tian Monastery, I figured I’d take advantage of this break in the action to check on the mail.  Let’s see what you peeps have for me this time…

 

Dear Warchief,

After perusing some of your past mailbags, I’ve decided to go ahead and ask the question that I’m sure many people are wondering but no one seems willing to ask.

You do realize that Bob is really Vol’jin, right?

–Tandeleina, Silvermoon City

Okay, so, on the plus side: Thanks for writing, Tandeleina.

On the minus side: What are you, a frigging idiot?

First of all, okay, I know that that Bob jackass is always writing from the Echo Isles, and the Echo Isles are troll territory, but that doesn’t mean he’s Vol’jin.  I mean, come on, sure the trolls are all weak and scrawny and stupid and lazy and pretty much useless, but you can’t assume because someone’s a troll that he must be Vol’jin.  That’s just fucking racist.

Number two, even if the Echo Isles thing was enough to send up a red flag, a few weeks ago I got a letter from Bob, AFTER Vol’jin had been killed in the line of duty in Pandaria.  So that should settle that.

But let’s say you’re really stubborn and paranoid, like those damn “the Cataclysm was an inside job” conspiracy people, and you’re still not convinced.  Check this out.  All of these letters I get for the mailbag are either hand-delivered standard-mail letters, or, mostly, e-mails.  With the exception of his very first letter, all of Bob’s messages have been e-mails.  Now, when I copy these letters, I don’t usually give out people’s e-mail addresses, because I figure most of my readers get enough creepy porn spam as it is (have you SEEN some of my Google hits?).  But I see the addresses.  You know what Bob’s is?  Check this out: definitelynotvoljin@gmail.com.

So yeah.  I bet you’re feeling pretty stupid now, aren’t you?

 

Hail, Warchief!

Regarding our esteemed Regent-Lord … well, some of us DID offer you the opportunity to replace him.

– A Concerned Citizen

Yeah, yeah, fine, ACC.  Enough with the I-told-you-so’s.  How was I supposed to know Regent-Lord Hair-Care was going to turn into this much of a willowy hemorrhoid?  For like two years I didn’t even know he was there.  Hell, I STILL can’t remember his actual fucking name half the time.  Why do you think I give him so many nicknames?  I mean, other than it being damn entertaining seeing what shade of purple he turns right before he throws a hissy fit over it.

Oh, speaking of which, after I wrote about ol’ Eyepatch a few days ago, his latest thing has been bitching and crying about the crack I made about…well…his eyepatch.  I make one little joke about his loss of an eye and apparently it’s a big fucking deal, because (a) I may or may not have been the one who put his eye out while I was slapping him around a little while back (without the “may not” part), and (b) at the time I kept him around basically to tell him to STFU already rather than letting him run to a shaman to maybe get the eye patched up (OOPS I’M SO INSENSITIVE) fixed while they had the chance.  I mean I’m pretty sure he was going to end up blinded in that eye anyway, but…I don’t know.  Maybe they could have done something to make it less gross?  Beats me.  So yeah, fine, whatever, I didn’t save the eye that couldn’t see.  My bad.  Suck it up, Cyclops.

 

My dearest Warchief,

I hope you are doing well. Things have been a bit dull in Orgrimmar with you off claiming Pandaria for the glory of the Horde. I’ve taken up Earth Online to fill the time in the day when I normally would hang around outside Grommash Hold hoping for a glimpse of you. I even adopted a little white dog as my pet, although he’s something called a Bichon Frise, not a terrier like your Sawyer. His name is Sherpa.

sherpa2s

What server are you on? Maybe I could come visit, or even join your guild? I bet Sawyer and Sherpa would have a good time playing together.

So would we.

Yours,

–Wega

You know what?  I’ll be honest with you – I’m really torn here.  I mean, on the one hand, I’m pretty sure I’ve already got enough crazy stalkerish women in my life without giving another one an invitation to come hang out in my guild.  Also Wega’s not winning any bonus points for the whole “hanging around outside Grommash Hold watching for you” thing, because for real, people, is it just me or is anyone else picturing her writing this letter in a candlelit room that has a zillion pictures of me tacked up all over the walls?  Because SHE WON’T BE IGNORED, GARROSH.

On the other hand, in a really weird, sick kind of way, I can’t help but feel like we could be looking at a real /popcorn situation if I were to toss Wega into the same guild chat with Garona.  Dunno.  I may have to think about this a little.

Anyhow, cute dog there, Wega.  I’ll get back to you.  In the meantime, please stop camping Grommash Hold.  I’m not there now anyway, and I have it on good authority that you’re creeping Eitrigg the fuck out.

 

Warchief Sir,

Recently, I had the opportunity to try Earth Online. I was intrigued by this amazing other world and the array of stories to follow. The toon I created is a cook for an American restaurant that I’m working to a world-class chef. However, trying to pass Gordon Ramsay’s Hell’s Kitchen dungeon  has been a real pain in the…but I digress.

I discover in the game, Earth Online, what they call a movie theatre. When I clicked on it and paid the money they required, a wonderous cut scene occurred called The Avengers. It was amazing moment of entertainment about this colorful heroes saving Earth from an alien invasion.

Have you seen it? If not, you may want to.

There was one large hero that reminded me of you. One called Hulk. He is really big, angry, and likes to smash things.

Again, I digress.

The reason for my letter is to ask a simple question. If a movie were made of you, which Earth Online actor would you want to portray you?

Sincerely,

–Quelita, Tarren Mill

Thanks for writing, Quelita.  I’ve talked about this before, but yeah, it really is impressive how much work they put into the game world, what with the cinematics and the readable in-game books and so on.  It’s actually kind of scary how much time you can lose just checking that stuff out.

Before I get to your question, I’ve got to address one other thing you mentioned – the Hulk.  Now, I haven’t seen The Avengers, and I’m not planning to, PRECISELY because of that character.  Usually the people over at Genesis Entertainment do a real bang-up job putting together these cut scenes, but I seriously don’t know WHAT the fuck they were thinking putting in that Hulk character.

hulk

I mean, think about it.  Here’s this guy who flies into a rage – or, a BLOOD HAZE, IF YOU WILL – and gets bigger, and stronger, and turns all crazy and aggressive and destructive, and HE TURNS GREEN.

Um.  SERIOUSLY?

gromhellscream

RACIST much?  The FUCK, Genesis?

Okay, so that’s all I’m going to say about that.

Now for your question – which, I’ve got to say, is a pretty good question.  I hadn’t really given much thought to who I would cast in a movie about me, not least of all because, let’s face it, nobody’s going to bring enough awesome to the table to do me justice, so I should probably just play myself, only we’re talking about an Earth Online cinematic, not real life, so I couldn’t actually do that, so there goes that idea.  Fuck.

So okay, let’s break this down.

Obviously you’d want someone who would be physically believable as me – so we’re looking at somebody with a strong physique, who you could buy as a powerful, badass fighter.  Bonus points if he can carry off the bald look.  A track record as an ass-kicking hero type would be pretty important too.

chiklis

Hmm.  Okay, so this guy wouldn’t be TERRIBLE, but…I don’t know.  I mean, fine, he was plenty strong when he was playing the Thing, but his build really isn’t so much powerful as it’s…just kind of big and lumpy.  Plus, I’m not crazy about the language skills – maybe it was just the script he was stuck with, but honestly, I just don’t see EPIC VERSE coming from this guy.

Oh and speaking of the script?  Both those Fantastic Four cinematics he was in pretty much sucked.  Moving on.

willis

Okay, this is a little better.  Maybe not blowing you away with the big, powerful build, but he’s definitely got the action-hero street cred, and he can rock the bald thing in no uncertain terms.  So that’s the up side.

Down side… Well, first of all, as much as he has the badass track record, dude is just old at this point.  He’s supposed to be, what, 60 at this point?  All the credit in the world for the stuff he’s been in up till now, but come on, nobody’s going to buy a 60-year-old as a don’t-fuck-with-me badass.  (DO NOT TELL SAURFANG I SAID THAT.)

Still, I could maybe turn a blind eye (LOR’THE’MOTHERFUCKER APOLOGISTS: DRINK) to the age thing, but this guy has another strike against him: by and large, he tends to go the softspoken route with his characters.  Sort of the strong but understated type.  Which is fine, it totally works when he does it, but I don’t know if he can flip from that to go larger than life.  You know, LIVING IN CAPTIAL LETTERS.  I’d be a lot more comfortable with somebody I knew could really project and command the room and put some authority in his voice.  Bonus points if he’s not afraid throw some strong language into the mix while he’s at it.

macewindu

Okay, NOW we’re getting somewhere.  Long track record as a no-fucking-around badass?  Check.  Looks good with no hair?  Check.  Volume dial on his voice goes to eleven?  Check.  “Fuck” is like “good morning” to him?  Double and triple check.  Believable laying down some epic badass dialogue?  YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME IS CHECK.  Experience with an awesomely kickass melee weapon?  Check.

Granted he might be a little up there in years too, but whatever, I’m not going to get too hung up on that if everything else is lining up.

jules

Okay, hang on, I already told you about the Saurfang thing.  Hmm.  You know, I’m starting to think this guy might have a little TOO much attitude.  I’m not going to take any sassing from someone pretending to be me.  Dude’s gotta remember who’s the original and who’s the economy pack here.

Okay, so let’s refine this to the really key components.  Strong, powerful, don’t-fuck-with-me badass.  Track record doing action.  Commanding voice and a willingness to turn up the volume.  Able to throw some words together and maybe even lay down a rhyme.  Can carry off non-standard hair.  And hey, while we’re at it, since he’ll have to wear Mannoroth’s tusks and some earrings like I do, it’d be good to know this is someone who can lug around some ornamentation and make it look cool.

mrt

Oh HELL yeah.  Sold.  Done.  Check please.  The end.

 

That’s going to do it for this time, but as always, keep those letters coming to garrosh1337@gmail.com.  It’s great to hear from you guys, and answering your questions is always good times, so don’t just sit there like an asshole, write in to your Warchief now.  I PITY THE FOOL THAT DOESN’T.

More soon.

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