Shadow boxing

Well, this just goes to show what I know.

After our whole SNAFU with the sha claw, Regent-Lord Eyepatch went back to Silvermoon to personally supervise his people’s study of that sha box we recovered.  Before he left I tried to impress on him the importance of that project (I believe my exact words were “This is actually important, unlike everything else you’ve ever done in your life, so try not to make a giant fucking mess this one time, Lori”), and after leaving him to his devices a couple days, I sent some people up to Silvermoon to check on him and try to prod things along.

I just received a report back from Eyepatch.  And so, remember last time, how uneasy I was about having to rely on the blood elves for all these important jobs?  All the angsting I was doing over whether they could pull this off, rather than defaulting back to their standard “giant fucking mess” M.O.?  Well, after all that handwringing I was doing, you would probably expect Ponytail’s blood elves to find a way to pull off some spectacular new level of fail.

AND YOU WOULD BE RIGHT.

Let’s even set aside the fact that Ponytail started out crying about how anyone who tried to probe the box magically ended up being affected by powerful, negative emotions, because hey, it’s totally fair for him not to think of that possibility what with him being RIGHT HERE WITNESSING THAT VERY SAME THING HAPPENING WITH THE KOR’KRON NOT THREE DAYS AGO.  But then, we’ve long established that these blood elves aren’t exactly world-beaters when it comes to seeing things coming (DRINK).  So, moving on, witness fuckuppery the next: even AFTER having these problems with the crazy outbursts, Ponytail’s peeps kept plugging away, and ended up releasing some kind of sha creature that had been sealed in the box.  In a room with a couple of his mages and a handful of guards.  And nobody else.

So okay, let’s recap that for those of you keeping score at home.

AFTER traveling around some of the sha and mogu sites in Pandaria…and AFTER being on hand for our failed Kor’kron experiments with the claw… Eyepatch brought the box back home to Silvermoon…so he could stick it in a basement with minimal guard and a grand total of two magic-users on hand to work on it.  And then released a beastie that proceeded to kick the snot out of his generously snotty elves.  To the point that if some of MY people hadn’t been on hand to save the day, that sha thing might still be running roughshod over Silvermoon and we’d be having to get Sylvanas to send a task force over to bail them out.  (And by the way, don’t think for a minute that THAT wouldn’t make half the blood elf population drop a brick in its collective panties – HEY LOOK GUYS THERE’S AN ARMY OF UNDEAD HEADED THIS WAY OH SHIT NOT AGAIN.)

I mean, there are at least half a dozen reasons why that’s just a spectacular steaming heap of fail, but the winner right off the top of my head, I think is… WHY DID YOU EVEN BOTHER BRINGING THE DAMN BOX BACK TO YOUR HOME CITY if you weren’t going to positively SURROUND it with an entire fucking LEGION of your very best troops?  You go to all that trouble for like five guards?  Hey, guess what, Eyepatch, we could have put our sha junk under the watch of five random assholes right here in Pandaria.

LIKE HEY HOW ABOUT THESE GUYS EVEN, REMEMBER THEM?

So yeah, this is what Lori is crying about this week.  Well, today.  The week is still young.  Meanwhile, he’s already sent me four messengers, with each of the last three delivering an extra addendum to his written bitch-and-moan fest.  They’ve been arriving every couple hours, so I’m just imagining him sitting around in whatever palace he has up there (I’m guessing pink features heavily in the décor), sending off a letter, and then as soon as the messenger leaves, grabbing another parchment like “AND HERE’S ONE MORE THING!”

I did send him a response back to the first one.  Although…just to amuse myself, I addressed it to “That guy in Silvermoon, you know, the one with the poofy hair.”  I’m not sure which thought amuses me more: the amount of time it’s going to take them to narrow it down to Ponytail, or the look he’s going to get on his face when he sees it.

I know, I know.  I’m a stinker.

More soon.

“‘Lori’? Seriously?”

Sha-touched

So of course, since Baine arrived here in Pandaria, he managed to get here just in time to bear witness to a frigging spectacular FUBAR with our efforts to make use of that sha claw.  And naturally, Regent-Lord Ponytail had to be on hand too so I could have a nice bitch-and-moan one-two punch.

Like we’d guessed, infusing soldiers with at least some measure of the claw’s sha energy was simple enough.  For these initial experiments, I didn’t want to leave much to chance, so we brought in a half-dozen Kor’kron for the tests.  The idea is that the Kor’kron are the best of the best within the Horde ranks, so they would be most likely to have the strength of will and discipline to maintain control over the sha influence – and these particular Kor’kron weren’t even your garden variety.  I had Malkorok hand-pick the very best of his people.  Razors.  If anyone was going to keep their shit together, it would be them.

Well, those Kor’kron may have been razors, but we wound up taking some razor burn.  All of the soldiers we exposed to the sha claw suffered some severe changes to their behavior.  Some became extremely temperamental.  Some were listless and depressed.  Some turned antsy and paranoid.  And ALL of them became prone to violent outbursts playing off of whatever other mood swings they were going through.  With the help of a few adventurers who happened to be on hand, we managed to slap some sense into the Kor’kron, but that doesn’t change the fact that the whole experiment went down as a pretty dismal failure.

And of course, cue Baine and Ponytail griping and crying and complaining, with an extra side order of holier-than-thou from Baine and estrogen from Ponytail.

I seriously need to find some better fucking minions.

Anyway, it’s becoming pretty painfully apparent that unless Lor’thefucker’s people back in Silvermoon make some breakthrough with the sha box they recovered, we’ve got everything hinging on us finding the Divine Bell so we can gain better control of this sha power.  Which means we’re majorly counting on the blood elves who are working on interrogating Shan Kien.  Which means, any way you cut it, we’ve got everything riding on Ponytail’s people.

Fuck.

Did I mention I SERIOUSLY need to find some better minions?

Memory lane

After the disaster up at Shado-Pan Monastery, Krimpatul and I brought the sha claw that we’d taken from Burzum back to the Sanctum of Two Moons.  I’m hoping that if we examine it and conduct a few experiments, we can figure out a way to draw on that sha power without…you know…the accompanying crazy-going.  While we get going on that, I’m sending Krimp over to Tian Monastery to round up the DPS trainees and bring them back to Domination Point.  Hopefully they managed to pick up a few useful tricks from the monks there.

Oh, but hey, guess who was here to greet us at the Sanctum when we got back?  Baine Bloodhoof, newly arrived in Pandaria.  That’s, like, the best news I could get without there actually being any good news.  Because I’ve been suffering from a severe deficiency in pain in my ass ever since Vol’jin took the big grave-flop…

* Much to his disgruntlement, Garrosh learned of Dezco’s tauren expedition during a planning session for the Dominance Offensive.

** Dezco and Anduin have (some of) this exchange at the Temple of the White Tiger.

 

 

 

[Old Orgrimmar background images provided by Rades from Orcish Army Knife, used here with permission and many thanks.]

A Shado-Pan of a doubt

So, based on the early returns, this sha energy and I are going to have a real love/hate relationship.

Let me explain.

While Burzum and Krimpatul were doing their respective investigating, I went back up to Kun-Lai Summit to do a little more checking around.  Ponytail and his blood elves had cleared out of the Valley of Emperors, and by the looks of it, the mogu who had been up there had decided not to take their chances coming back after the grade-A ass-kicking I’d given them.  Which, by the way, makes the mogu smarter than at least half the enemies I’ve run into over the years.

I flew around the mountains for a little while to see if I could spot any more mogu activity, but didn’t have a whole lot of luck, so I decided while I was in the neighborhood to check in at that monastery I’d heard about – the Shado-Pan Monastery, I think it’s called.  I figured the monks there might have something they could tell me about the mogu, or the sha, or, hell, even just give me some idea why that Cloudfall guy at Tian Monastery felt the need to be so damn cryptic.

Problem is, all of that assumed the monks would actually, you know, TALK to me.  When I got there, though, I could barely get anyone to answer the damn door.  I knocked away for a while, and at first some fat panda dude poked his head out and asked who I was…but then after I told him, he just slammed the door shut again.  After that, they just let me knock away all I wanted, and the only answer I got was one time when someone behind the door yelled “We don’t want any,” and this other time when I guess they decided to get cute, and one of them did a bad troll voice like “Dere nobody home, mon” – which, I can HEAR you TALKING, idiot, so there obviously IS somebody home.

Fucking pandas.

Eventually, Burzum and Krimpatul arrived, and we set up camp near the monastery to compare notes.  Krimp reported that the sha outbreak around the Temple of the Red Crane was mostly gone, other than some stray animals in the area that had been affected, but that those animals seemed a good bit stronger than the garden variety.  Seems like they were able to be infused with sha energy just from proximity to the manifestation there, which tells me that it shouldn’t be that difficult to tap infuse some of our soldiers with that power, assuming we can find a sha source to draw on.  THAT’s going to be the tricky part, I’m guessing – finding a source – since it’s not like we can reliably just summon these sha things up out of thin air.

Burzum, on the other hand, gave a whole breakdown of the pandas fighting an ongoing sha outbreak near the Temple of the Jade Serpent.  (By the by, don’t ask me why these pandas seem so obsessed with naming everything after rainbow-colored animals.  Can the Temple of the Mauve Meerkat be far behind?)  The sha down there were still much more active, and according to Burzum, the pandas there deliberately took steps to AVOID being affected by the sha energy.  Because, I don’t know, I guess they feel like a dose of extra power might take the edge off their signature bouncy goofiness.  Don’t ask me.

Whatever they’re thinking down there, though, it seemed like Burzum had gone native on us some, because while he was talking about it, he got really insistent about not thinking it was such a hot idea to try to tap into this sha energy.  He seemed to get really stressed out over it, actually, to the point that I could even see him going a little pale in the face.  I managed to calm him down some, but he still seemed more than a little antsy.

At that point, I gave the blademasters the rundown of the warm welcome I’d gotten at the monastery.  Burzum wanted to try talking to them himself, and I figured what the hell, if he wanted to try beating his head against the wall, let him knock himself out.  So he went over and knocked on the door, and one of the pandas stuck his head out to see who it was…and I’ll be damned, they let the fucker in!

So Burzum was in there for a little while, and I figured eventually he’d be back to bring me and Krimp inside with him – you know, after he’d finished buttering up whatever antisocial panda had had the bright idea to lock me out.  After a while, sure enough, Burzum came out again, but instead of showing us the way in, he let the pandas shut themselves up in there again while he came staggering back to us looking more upset than ever.  And I’m talking SERIOUSLY shaken – I don’t know what those pandas said to him, but dude was beyond just pale at the point and was looking out-and-out GRAY.

That’s when he started yammering a bunch of incoherent nonsense – “Is this what we’ve come to?” this, and “losing our way” that, and all the while getting more and more visibly upset.  Krimpatul and I tried to talk him down from the crazy, but Burzum wasn’t having it.  He kept ranting on and on, until finally the ranting gave way to flat-out growling, and the next thing you knew, Bruzum’s arms started to morph into these tendrilly black claws and his whole body seemed to exude shadows.

And that’s when he attacked us.

I’ll say this for that sha stuff – because obviously that’s what had to be coursing through Burzum’s system – it really is no joke.  I’ve sparred with all the blademasters a bunch of times, so I know their strength, but this was way beyond the normal Burzum scale.  It took Krimp and I everything we could muster to keep the upper hand, and even then we were only barely able to hold him off most of the time.

Eventually, though, Krimpatul got in a few solid blows to disorient Burzum, at which point I hacked off one of those creepy-ass claws at the elbow.  That turned the tide in our favor for good.  I made one last attempt to talk Burzum down, but he was long gone by that point.  So Krimpatul and I finished him off.  As he fell, he muttered something about “should have remained in Garadar,” and the rest was silence.

I’d just as soon spare Burzum’s memory from people seeing the state he was in at the end.  He was a good man, and whatever came over him in those final moments, I’m certain his spirit will find its way to those of the honored ancestors, even if he’d fallen far from home.  Krimpatul and I found a quiet spot in the mountains nearby and laid Burzum’s body to rest.

Except for that severed claw.  That’s coming with me back to the Sanctum of Two Moons so the braintrust can give it a good going over.

Rest well, Burzum.  Spirits willing, we’ll make sure you didn’t die in vain.

Sha hunting

I’m giving the blood elves a few days to see if they can get anywhere with Shan Kien — that’s the name of that mogu dude we captured in the Valley of Emperors — but in the meantime I’m going to try to explore other avenues.  From what I’ve been able to gather, the mogu’s Divine Bell artifact was able to focus and infuse the power of what the pandas call sha.  Basically dark power come alive, sparked by emotions like anger or fear.  And even though this Divine Bell sounds like it’s the key to harnessing this sha power to the fullest, that doesn’t mean we can’t do a little testing at the source.

After we’d finished our visit to Tian Monastery the other day, Burzum had stayed behind to see if he could learn a few new tricks from the pandas.  I had Gurtash stay with him, and after I’d left for the Sanctum of Two Moons, I had the rest of the DPS kids brought over to do a little hand-to-hand combat training.  Now, personally I’m not so big on the fancy martial arts moves — I’m a much bigger fan of just pummeling your opponents to death when you’re not hacking them into little pieces with an axe.  But then, that’s ME.  Seeing as I’m 300 lbs. of rock-solid awesome and not some skinny fourteen-year-old, I don’t really NEED a whole lot of bells and whistles in my asskicking toolkit.  But I figure it might be good for the kids to see if there’s anything useful they can pick up from the pandas.

Also, side note, since I forgot to mention this before — on the way back from Tian, I made a stop at this place nearby called the Arboretum, where they train cloud serpents for some big race.  It took some doing, but I managed to talk them into letting me participate in the race even though I didn’t have my own cloud serpent.  I will neither confirm nor deny that “talking them into” this involved slapping a few pandas around.  Anyway, the race was pretty fun, and you seriously should have seen the looks on the other riders’ faces — and their cloud serpents, for that matter — when Mortimer left them all in the dust.  I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: wyvern > all.

Anyhow, I digress.

Getting back to the actual business at hand, I’m having Burzum head down to a temple in that neck of the woods that’s been hit by a pretty major sha infestation.  Temple of the Jade something-or-other, which really doesn’t help narrow it down much, seeing as it’s in a region called the Jade Forest, and half the stuff around there is called the Jade Whatever-Whatever.  Lesson: them pandas sure do love them some jade.

Meanwhile, I’m assigning Krimpatul to investigate another temple not far from our base at Domination Point, a little ways to the north.  I hear tell there was a major sha outbreak there until pretty recently, so he might be able to learn something there.  While they’re both doing their thing, I’m going to do some extra checking around in the northern mountains, and then the two blademasters will meet me there to compare notes.  I hear tell there’s another major monastery in the northwest part of Kun-Lai Summit, so it might be worth convening there and seeing what the monks have to tell us.

More soon.

I think I can remember your name

I’m scheduled to fly back to Kin-Lai Summit in a couple days to check in again with Lor’the’motherfucker’s Reliquary peeps and see how their research is going at the new mogu site.  I’m pretty well certain that if we can figure out what happened to this Divine Bell, it could be the thing that finally tips the scales for us against the Alliance.  So I’ll give Regent-Lord Cyclops and his crew a few days to prance around up there, then stop in and see how badly they need me to hold their feet to the fire.

In the meantime, I’m taking a little time to have a look around some more of Pandaria, starting with where Nazgrim got the ball rolling a couple months ago, the Jade Forest.  I decided to bring Gurtash for the trip, along with blademaster Burzum and Ben-Lin Cloudstrider, who’s seeing mainland Pandaria for the first time and is plenty curious about her homeland-that’s-not.

First stop was Serpent’s Heart, site of that big battle Nazgrim fought between…well…his monkeys and the Alliance’s fish men.

…

Yeah, I needed a minute there to be sad again.

Anyhow, this was my first look at the handiwork of this “sha” that I keep hearing about…specifically, in this case, the Sha of Doubt, because I guess they all decided to divide up into jurisdictions or whatever.  Anyway, pretty creepy stuff, not least of all because even the land itself seems to have been infected by whatever dark energy these sha things generate.

After that, we flew around checking some of the regions to the north, and wound up paying a visit to a place I’d heard of once before, a long time and another world ago…

* Tian Monastery was mentioned to Garrosh here, in an alternate timeline.

* Like this?

 

[A quick OOC note: Garrosh's adventures at Tian Monastery will be spread out over a series of web comic installments.  The comics are a lot of fun to put together, but are also something of a beast time-wise, so please bear with me if the next few posts have longer gaps between them than you may be accustomed to here.  Thanks for reading as always!]

Never send an elf to do an orc’s job

Okay, so I’m starting to get sick of Lor’thefuckhisnameis.

After the blood elves’ Reliquary people found the records of the Divine Bell, I had Regent-Lord Ponytail send his archeologists up to Kun-Lai Summit to do some followup digging at another mogu site.  I gave them a few days to work and then made a trip up to check on how they were doing.  It didn’t occur to me that I might need aspirin while I was there.  Shows how much I know.

Ponytail was there with the archeologists and some of his Blood Knights, and hoo boy, I had barely dismounted Mortimer when he started in with the griping and the complaining and the crying like a little girl.  You know, I’ll tell you, a couple months ago I barely even knew who Captain Eyepatch was – okay, let’s be honest, most days I still don’t – but lately the guy has been turning into a regular Baine Bloodhoof Bitch-and-Moan All-Star.  And wait till you hear what the dude was complaining – AT GREAT LENGTH – ABOUT.  Apparently, while the elves were flitting around the ruins doing their digging, some mogu statues came to life and attacked them (SEE? SEE? THIS IS WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT WITH THE FUCKING STATUES), and Ponytail got his panties all in a bunch because his people nearly got roflstomped and statuespanked and OMG Garrosh why didn’t you warn us something like this might happen.

Which, first of all, go back and read that last part again.

Okay, done?  Let’s recap.

Regent-Lord Hair-Care and his peeps were sent to some mogu ruins.

Mogu ruins.  Ruins of building built by the MOGU.  Who have been turning up again lately, all over the place.

Ruins that were decorated with mogu statues.  STATUES, which it’s been established that the mogu had the power to animate.

And so these people, these brilliant brilliant elves, were utterly stunned and blindsided when, lo and behold, some mogu statues fucking WOKE UP on them.

This, by the way, after the LAST dig site featured one of those freaky statue dogs spontaneously reanimated and jumping them.

Is anyone else seeing how ridiculous this is, or am I just an asshole?  How much more warning do these fuckwits need?  And I mean, let me tell you, Ponytail would NOT shut up about how badly his people took it on the chin after they got surprised.  Dude was going full-bore Tirion on me.  But really, how sad is that?  These people are totally flabbergasted by the appearance of a hostile enemy KNOWN TO BE AT LARGE, at a site that is KNOWN TO HAVE BELONGED TO THEM?

Seriously, how could Lor’the’motherfucker POSSIBLY get blindsided by that?  Unless, you know, the mogu came at him from his left.  OH YEAH YOU BET YOUR ASS I SAID IT.

But for real.  Look, a lot of you guys have gone on missions for me.  Doesn’t this sound like, you know, a STANDARD occupational hazard?  Hell, never mind THAT, even – I know some of you are amateur archeologists yourselves.  Beats the hell out of me as far as WHY, sounds like it would be boring as all fuck, but whatever – from what I hear, when you people are out digging for fragments in Pandaria, every so often one of those little sha buggers will pop up out of the ground and try to take a bite out of you.  And STRANGELY ENOUGH, I never hear any of YOU complain about how you didn’t know it was coming and holy crap how do you expect us to defend ourselves and ow it hurts it hurts I have sand in my vagina ow.  No, because you guys HANDLE YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.

Anyway, bottom line is, after making me seriously question how much I want to depend on these elves, Hair-Care managed to scrape together a few possible leads on another mogu site a ways further north.  I’m having him head up there to check it out, while I take bets on what he’ll wind up crying about this time.

At least I managed to get the last laugh in this time.  Right before I left, while I was mounted up on Mortimer and everything, I turned back and went, “By the way, what was your name again?”  Dude, you shoulda seen the look on his face.  Also, I guess I got out of there just in the nick of time, too – I hear tell right after I left, the Sha of Anger spontaneously appeared out of nowhere right around those ruins.  Weird.

“Lor’themar! My name is LOR’THEMAR! LOR’THE-FUCKING-MAR THERON!”

When we last left Krog…

I have Krog’s latest report from Pandaria, and considering I’m going to be on my way there sooner rather than later, this intel he’s gathering is going to start becoming pretty damn important.  Before I get to that, though, let me address a couple other items quickly, since everybody seems to have been having a low-grade freak-out the last couple days.  Specifically, about Mokvar.

So before everyone starts rolling out their full-on crazy over this, yes, Mokvar is okay.  A little banged up, yeah, but he’ll be fine.  I’m just giving him a little time to rest up and get his head together before I have him back on the job, seeing as I figure it must do a number on you when, y’know, you die and shit.  I’ve got a regular guard keeping watch on his place, and I know Ji Firepaw has been dropping by regularly to check on him.  He’ll be fine as long as everybody doesn’t start coming on like gangbusters, so please put your panties back on and try to calm the fuck down.

I’ve got Malkorok looking into this business.  I don’t much like the fact that something like this went down, not least of all because it means somebody was able to get into Orgrimmar and target one of my aides.  I’ve seen a few other reports the last few days about a shadowy figure or something being seen sneaking around the city, which doesn’t exactly make me bubble over with good feelings about security around here.  Frankly, if Krog weren’t down there in Pandaria, I would probably have him do some extra sleuthing up here.  I may have to look into a few investigative options as it is.

Anyway, speaking of Krog, let’s get back to the man himself.  You all voted to have him get back to business and check on whatever happened with the original landing party out of Garrosh’ar Point.  (Man, I still really do like the ring of that name.)  So, with no further ado…

 

shokia accompanied me from grookin hill and we made our way south.  en route we passed a cottage that shokia says had been occupied by a ‘jade witch’ who had turned sergeant garrok into a jade statue; eventually garrok was restored and brought back to grookin hill to recover.

 

Huh.  Now that’s some weird business, turning living people into minerals and back…might want to look into that later.  Could be handy in a few different ways…

 

also en route passed pandaren settlement at paw’don village.  village had formed ties with alliance; passed a bit too close; these pandaren markedly less friendly than the wandering isle lot.

 

Now that I think of it, these pandas might possibly have been crankier than the Wandering Isle pandas because they were mad about not getting to go on the turtle ride…

 

horde forces had withdrawn to nearby fortress called twinspire keep; find attached schematic outlining fortress layout and grounds.  upon arrival, discovered remaining landing party had been killed by alliance aerial attack.

 

Side note here before I get too pissed off about the good people we lost there – from the looks of it, this Twinspire Keep place is pretty much identical to Thunder Hold, the base that the initial Alliance force had taken over, the one Nazgrim and his people took out when they first arrived.  And… I mean… what are the odds of that? The first wave of each side’s troops set up shop in identical fortresses, only to be neutralized by the SECOND wave of the OTHER side’s forces, with a soon-to-be-friendly panda village right neaby?  Seriously, is that freaky coincidental or what?

 

no survivors, by all indications.  shokia and i took a few hours to tend to the bodies; alliance had left them to rot on the ground.

 

Of course they did.  Because they’re so pure and noble and honorable.  And they call us savages.

 

was able to identify bodies of commander dalgan and bellandra felstorm.  also appears that warlocks had summoned demonic beholder, body of which was also found.  note: burnt rotting demon corpses smell very, very bad.

inside keep, found body of warlock ga’trul along with his journal; will hold for your inspection at next opportunity.  while body was identifiable, also appeared to have been corrupted somehow; entire body had taken on dark gray hue, hands and arms had morphed into claws, further deformations of body.  inconsistent with metamorphoses usually observed with warlocks.

gist of journal: ga’trul assumed command of fleet after captain krug was killed during initial engagement with alliance.  ga’trul seemed to grow increasingly hostile and paranoid during time in keep.  then again, he ended up being killed, so maybe not so paranoid.  he attempted to barter with paw’don pandaren without success; took forsaken suggestion to abduct pandaren cubs to use as bargaining chips; eventually there appears to have been a sharp rift between orc and forsaken forces within the keep.

 

Okay, so…wait, what?  The what happened?  The what times like five?  They had a frigging insurrection within the group?  How the hell did that happen?

 

shokia has expressed intention to return north to check on garrok and rejoin nazgrim and others.  awaiting further instructions.

 

Which leads us to our two main leads we could have Krog follow up on: that surprise expedition that Baine had sent to Pandaria, or the creepy-ass similarity between Ga’trul’s body and these sha creatures.  Or, hell, I’ll toss another option into the mix, since I was just talking about this a few paragraphs up…

 

Invasion incoming

In light of the reports coming in from both Nazgrim and Krog from Pandaria, I decided we need to step up preparations for a full-scale military operation there.  Nazgrim’s been holding his own reasonably well under the circumstances…well, he WAS until this last report, anyway, and then…well, you know.  Point is, he’s been trying to keep it together down there, but it’s about time we gave our general an honest-to-goodness army to work with.

So, earlier today I held a strategy session to make plans to send a full invasion force to Pandaria.  We had the usual suspects there — Eitrigg, Malkorok, Mokvar to take notes.  Malkorok had his lieutenant Rak’gor Bloodrazor sit in for the planning.  Plus…an extra unexpected attendee, who…well, you’ll see.

Cut to the transcript.

 

GARROSH:  First, a status update.  The latest from Nazgrim is that he and his people are licking their wounds from a major battle with the Alliance forces down there.  They’ve moved from the Jade Forest to a town in the northern mountains while they recover.  Most of them, anyway.

EITRIGG:  Are Nazgrim and his team all right?

GARROSH:  Scratched up but still kicking, from what I gather.  Always hard to tell with Nazgrim — he’ll never let on if he’s really hurt.  You know him.

MALKOROK:  I assume our forces were victorious against the Alliance dogs, as they’re alive to tell the tale?

GARROSH:  Not so much.  The battle was basically a stalemate.

MALKOROK:  You mean to say, Warchief, that that fool Nazgrim failed not only to defeat a depleted Alliance force, but even to go down fighting like an orc?  And now he has the audacity to report this disgrace from the comfort of some remote bed while he nurses his wounds like a human?

EITRIGG:  Considering what Nazgrim seems to have had to work with…

MALKOROK:  And now you defend his incompetence, old man?

GARROSH:  Well hey, look, Malkorok.  Believe me, I’m all for being tough on the troops and all that, but to be fair, Nazgrim DID lose most of his actual Horde soldiers in the crash of the Hellscream’s Fist.

MALKOROK:  And proceeded to offset those losses by recruiting from among the locals, did he not?

GARROSH:  Yeah, but look at the locals.  I mean, dude, you know how I’m always saying it’s like I’ve got a bunch of trained monkeys working for me?  <scans around the room>  No offense.  But yeah, Nazgrim?  LITERALLY had a bunch of trained monkeys to work with.

MALKOROK:  What about the Alliance?

GARROSH:  What about them?

MALKOROK:  The Alliance reportedly took heavy losses and drew support from the natives as well.  Who did they have fighting for them?

EITRIGG:  <scanning notes>  I think Krog included something about this in one of his reports…

GARROSH:  Something with a “J,” I think.

MOKVAR:  Jinyu.

GARROSH:  Yeah, that’s it, jinyu.

MOKVAR:  <paging through reports>  Which…from the way Krog describes them…would be a race of…sort of…king-size murlocs.

GARROSH:  <blinks, then rubs forehead>  …The FUCK is Nazgrim doing down there?

MALKOROK:  You see?

EITRIGG:  Do we know anything else about the battle with the Alliance?  I will grant, it doesn’t sound like Nazgrim to flee the battlefield…

GARROSH:  Nazgrim’s report was pretty sketchy on the details there.  I’ve gotten some extra intel from Krog to fill it out some, though.  Looks like the battle between Nazgrim’s monkeys and the Alliance fish men…

Garrosh trails off, then stares into the distance for a moment.

EITRIGG:  Warchief?

MOKVAR:  Garrosh?

Garrosh shakes his head and pulls his attention back.

GARROSH:  Yeah.  Sorry.  I just heard myself saying that last part and had to take a minute to be sad.  Where was I?

MOKVAR:  Monkeys versus fish men.

GARROSH:  Yeah.  Monkeys versus fish men.  So according to— I mean seriously, doesn’t that sound like a bad videogame or something?

MOKVAR:  Just watch, if Spazzle isn’t coding that already, he will as soon as he reads this.

GARROSH:  I know, right?

EITRIGG:  Warchief…focus, please.

GARROSH:  Yeah, yeah, okay…  So…  <sighs>  …monkeys versus fish men.  Which I guess took place at the foot of this huge statue in a place called Serpent’s Heart.  From what I can gather, the battle was pretty even, which is kind of depressing  in itself, considering, when it was broken up by the arrival of this giant black monster.  Which basically wiped out both sides and left the survivors fucked up and scattrered.

MALKOROK:  What kind of monster could take out both armies?

GARROSH:  From what Krog reported, it…

Vol’jin enters.

Hang on.  What are YOU doing here, troll?

VOL’JIN:  I heard dere was a meetin’ going’ on, mon.  I figured mah invitation musta got lost in da mail.

GARROSH:  Uh, yeah, as if I would have sent YOU an invitation for these planning sessions…

VOL’JIN:  Ya see now, mon?  Ya be tinkin’ a me as such a good friend, I don’ even be needin’ an invitation!  Dat’s why everybody loves ya, mon.

GARROSH:  <rubbing forehead>  What.  Do you WANT.  Vol’jin?

VOL’JIN:  I hear ya be plannin’ an invasion in Pandaria, mon, and I be here ta keep an eye on what ya be doin’.

GARROSH:  Keep an eye on me?  I don’t answer to you, troll, nor do I have to EXPLAIN myself to you, so if you’re here to make life difficult, you can just head back to your island now.

VOL’JIN:  I be da leader of da Darkspear, mon, an’ I got a right ta know what da Horde be doin’.

MALKOROK:  You know I can easily take care of—

GARROSH:  Not now, Malkorok.  <grumbles>  Fine.  You can sit in, Vol’jin.  TRY not to make yourself into too much of a toothache.

VOL’JIN:  Oh don’cha be worryin’ ’bout me, mon.  Ya won’t even know I be here.  It’ll be like I be invisible.

Garrosh stares at Vol’jin for a long moment, then exchanges several pensive glances with Eitrigg and Mokvar.  He looks back to Vol’jin again and eyes him for another moment.

GARROSH:  Okay, well—

VOL’JIN:  Like da Lich King’s horse!

GARROSH:  Just SIT DOWN and SHUT UP, Vol’jin.

VOL’JIN:  Sure, mon.

Vol’jin takes a seat at the conference table next to Malkorok.  Malkorok glances at him and sneers; Vol’jin answers with an exaggerated grin.

GARROSH:  So as I was saying, like an hour ago…about the creature at Serpent’s Heart.  Apparently it was something the pandas call a “sha” — sort of a demon that feeds off of powerful emotions.

VOL’JIN:  <eyes narrow>  You don’ say, mon…

MALKOROK:  Hmm…interesting…  I wonder if our warlocks could influence these sha.  If they’re strong enough to take down two armies, they could be a powerful resource if harnessed…

VOL’JIN:  Dat be some bad mojo ya talkin’ ’bout, mon.

MALKOROK:  I thought you were going to be quiet, troll.

MOKVAR:  He’s right, though — these sha don’t sound like something we want to risk meddling with.

EITRIGG:  As it stands, I’m already troubled enough by some reports I’ve seen of demonic summoning by some of the initial fleet…

MOKVAR:  Wait, seriously?

MALKOROK:  You two would have our warlocks not avail themselves of all the power at their disposal for the benefit of the Horde?

MOKVAR:  Didn’t “our warlocks” get themselves into enough trouble already “availing” themselves of demonic power?

MALKOROK:  Yes, let’s have the scribe lecture us on the proper conduct of warlocks.

MOKVAR:  I used to be a warlock.

MALKOROK:  Oh, that’s right, you were, weren’t you?  Then by all means continue, scribe.  Tell us more about the evils of seeking power through demonology.

Mokvar looks back to his notes awkwardly.

GARROSH:  Look, the fact is, Nazgrim doesn’t have the people or the resources to establish a strong Horde presence in Pandaria or prevent the Alliance from doing the same.  I already have ships being prepared for a large-scale incursion.  The southern coast of Pandaria has a few locations that sound like they’d be well-suited for a base.  We can scout a specific spot while we finish gathering troops and equipment for the trip.

EITRIGG:  Grizzle Gearslip of the Bilgewater goblins says the construction team should have siege engines ready within a week or so.

GARROSH:  Well tell me this — when he says “a week or so,” does he mean a WEEK OR SO “week or so,” or is this a maybe-in-your-lifetime “week or so” like when those goblins “week or so”-ed their estimate on rebuilding the Orgrimmar ramparts after the Cataclysm?  Which they STILL haven’t finished two years later, by the way.

VOL’JIN:  So we be doin’ dis, eh mon?  Bringin’ da war to dis new land?

MALKOROK:  The war has already been brought, troll.  We now bring only victory.

GARROSH:  Once the equipment and siege engines are ready, it’s just a matter of lining up troop deployments.

MALKOROK:  Most able-bodied adults not otherwise committed to important duties have been conscripted for service, Warchief.  Rak’gor and I are in the process of assigning veteran supervisors to the new trainee program as well.

EITRIGG:  What trainee program is this?  I haven’t heard anything about it.

MALKOROK:  Nor would you.  It’s a Kor’kron program.

EITRIGG:  I didn’t realize the Kor’kron operated in secret now.  Has Saurfang adopted some new policy?

MALKOROK:  <visibly annoyed>  The program…is for recruiting and training of orcish youth for service to the Horde, as per the Warchief’d edict after the Northwatch Hold…events.

EITRIGG:  Orcish youth?  What age do you mean?

MALKOROK:  I shouldn’t need to tell you the traditional age of passage, old man.  Fourteen — the age a youth is fit to take a blade for the honor of his clan.

VOL’JIN:  By da spirits, mon, dey be children!

MALKOROK:  A boy is a man the day he can slay a foe in defense of home and kin, troll.  I wouldn’t expect you to understand such things.

VOL’JIN:  Yah, mon, I really don’ get out much.  Ya know, I don’ get invited to da cool kid parties.

GARROSH:  Can’t imagine why.

MALKOROK:  Nevertheless…don’t make it out as if the trainees are being handed swords and pushed blindly onto a battlefield — they are being trained and guided by some of our finest warriors.  If anything, this is an honor.

GARROSH:  Fourteen, though, huh?  I thought it was fifteen.

MALKOROK:  No, Warchief, fourteen.

GARROSH:  Are you certain?  I’m pretty sure it was always fifteen back in Nagrand.

MALKOROK:  No, sir.  I suppose that might have been a regional difference?

GARROSH:  Huh, okay.  Fourteen, then.

VOL’JIN:  I don’ be likin’ da sound a dis, mon.  Not one bit a it.  Draggin’ our war into other people’s lands, roundin’ up children ta make inta soldiers…

GARROSH:  Well imagine my surprise, Vol’jin.  Imagine my complete and total SHOCK to see YOU griping and complaining about what I’m doing.  You know, I might actually LISTEN to some of these objections of yours if you didn’t object to EVERY SINGLE THING I do.

VOL’JIN:  Maybe if ya listened once in a while before ya did dese tings, mon, ya wouldn’t have to listen to people complainin’ after ya did ‘em.

MALKOROK:  I don’t hear anyone complaining except for you, troll.  Other than that simpering tauren you usually have leading you by the nose.  I’m half surprised he’s not here as well.

VOL’JIN:  I drew da short straw, mon.

GARROSH:  All right, enough of this.  Both of you quiet down.  It’s settled — we’re moving ahead with the Pandaria plan and getting ready for a departure within the next few weeks.  And TROLL, get this into your head: this is happening.  And I have no intention of listening to you bellyache every step of the way.

VOL’JIN:  Don’cha worry ’bout dat, mon.  If dere be one ting I know by now, it’s dat you ain’t gonna listen.

GARROSH:  Damn right.  You’re finally getting it.  Okay then… I think that covers everything.  I have another meeting I need to get to in the Drag in a few.  For now, let’s get things rolling gathering materials and finalizing troop assignments for the invasion.  Oh, and Eitrigg?

EITRIGG:  Yes, sir?

GARROSH:  When we compile the final roster, for the love of the spirits, make sure Dontrag and Utvoch aren’t on the list.

EITRIGG:  Yes, sir.

GARROSH:  There are going to be enough potential headaches as it is on this mission — the last thing I’m going to need it THOSE two yammering in my ear.

VOL’JIN:  Oh, hey, mon…

GARROSH:  Oh for fuck’s sake… What now?

VOL’JIN:  You talkin’ bout dem two orcs who got to Orgrimmar late after da Theramore raid?

GARROSH:  Yeah, you know them?

VOL’JIN:  Yah, mon, dey came by da Echo Isles after dat.  Dey was getting deyselves all confused, mon.

GARROSH:  “Confused” has a short ramp-up time for them.

VOL’JIN:  No, but listen, mon — dey was like, “It be de Echo Isles, right?  Den how come we can’t hear an echo when we talk?”  An’ dey kep’ tryin’ ta yell stuff into da air to see if dey could get an echo!

GARROSH:  <chortles>  Oh…dude…that’s like the time I was saying something to them about Razorfen Kraul, and they were like, “So do all the quillboar there crawl?  We thought they knew how to walk upright.  Is it some kind of a rule there?”

VOL’JIN:  <laughing>  Ya better not let dem go to da Howling Fjord, mon, dey might tink dey’re losing dey hearing ’cause dey don’ hear da howling!

GARROSH:  <chuckling>  Well hell, you should have seen them the first time they saw Thousand Needles.  “Are you sure it’s a thousand of them?  I only counted like 60.  Did we miss some?”

VOL’JIN:  <laughs more>  You shoulda told ’em we switched to da metric system, mon.

Garrosh guffaws, leaning against the table.  Vol’jin laughs heartily as well and wipes a tear from one eye.  After another moment spent laughing, Garrosh and Vol’jin look up at each other and both of their faces fade into uneasy expressions.

GARROSH:  <scowls>  Fucking troll.

VOL’JIN:  <aside, muttering>  Don’ blame me, mon, I voted for da basic campfire…

Garrosh and Vol’jin both get up and stomp out of the room in opposite directions.

When we last left Krog…

…he was fussing around in the Jade Forest checking on what was left of the original Horde fleet at Garrosh’ar Point.  (By the way, gotta admit, that name really does have a ring to it.  Too bad the place wound up getting trashed.)  I asked you all to chime in on what Krog should do next — because spirits forbid my investigator should make a decision on his own — and you guys decided that his priority should be tracking down Anduin, who’s apparently on the loose out there in Pandaria.  Because he happened to be on one of the Alliance ships cruising around the middle of nowhere in the southern oceans.  Because Varian’s really on top of his shit when it comes to watching out for his kid.  So for those of you keeping score at home, that makes him a shitty king, a shitty fighter, a shitty strategist, a shitty blogger, a shitty dancer, AND a shitty dad.  With shitty hair.  Also fuck you, Varian.

Anyway.

I sent the new orders along to Krog a couple days ago.  Here are highlights from his latest report from the field:

attempted to find a trail for anduin after his departure from the wreckage of the alliance flagship, but leads were inconclusive in light of heavy activity in the area recently.  stealthing through the pearlfin jinyu village revealed little, jinyu numbers seemed depleted as most warriors appear to have been sent elsewhere, but no indication of the prince.  also, alliance members appear to have left jinyu village as well.

pandaren of paw’don village remain under alliance influence.  i attempted to approach a village guard to make inquiries in support of anduin investigation.  greeted poorly.  also violently.  with equally poor and violent treatment from additional, rapidly arriving guards.  for future reference: pandaren not necessarily as cuddly as initial cursory observations would suggest.

after hasty exit from paw’don village, i was indulging in some cathartic venting at the pandaren guards (from safe distance), mainly elaborating on varieties of evisceration i would unleash on them given the chance to open with a good stunlock, when i began to experience odd sensations – unfocused violent urges, fits of anger, coupled with strange sense of mental detachment.

in the midst of these sensations, pandaren local appeared and began channeling a spell of some kind on me – violent impulses abated, and a handful of small black creatures spawned around me only to die immediately.  pandaren did not identify himself; too busy complaining about energies being brought by my “fellow strangers” to pandaria; added something about the land living and breathing, whatever that means.  wore distinctive hat and scarf (unsure if this looked goofy or cool on him).  when pressed for explanation, he directed me to a nearby pavilion, then left, making parting complaint about it being a busy week for him.  non-cuddly impression of the pandaren people gaining traction.

i made my way to the pavilion, where i met another pandaren native – THIS one was willing to give a name: lorewalker cho.  apparently a historian of some sort.  identified black creatures as manifestation of sentient dark energy called sha; added this was a minor manifestation; grew notably withdrawn when pressed on question of what a major manifestation would be like.  when questioned for leads on anduin, cho indicated that he’d spoken with others also looking for the prince – presumably alliance – and had helped give them visions to lead them in right direction.  i was able to convince him to show me one of these visions; brief vision revealed anduin traveling north with two pandaren, an older male and younger female, before parting ways.

i was able to follow the trail north and found the pandaren female – who was making preparations to bury the older male, her father, who had succumbed to injuries shortly after anduin’s departure.  she didn’t have much information, but did provide interesting development: while with anduin, they were intercepted by alliance SI:7 operatives who attempted to take the prince with them.  intent on pursuing other interests in pandaria, anduin used mind control on SI:7 agents to elude them.

Okay, I’m going to stop this here for just a second to point something out here.  These SI:7 people are supposed to be Varian’s elite team of secret agents or whatever.  And these people…the best of the best, the Alliance’s A#1 crack team…got bamboozled by a fourteen-year-old boy.

Can someone please explain to me WHY THE FUCK we haven’t beaten these people yet?

Okay, moving on.

followed anduin’s trail westward.  in transit, reached area called serpent’s heart, where a major battle had recently taken place – area littered with large number of hozen and jinyu bodies; ground scarred with surreal black-and-white patterns and dark energy tendrils; several larger versions of the black sha creatures swarming vicinity.

while surveying the area, gunshots broke out, seemingly from two directions.  i was grazed by a bullet, which took me out of stealth; initially confused as to how i could have been targeted while effectively invisible.  once unstealthed, however, i was pulled behind cover of rocks by horde operative: marksman shokia, who had been engaged in shoot-out with an alliance sniper.

between shots, shokia filled in some details: anduin had been captured by shademaster kiryn and was being held at horde base in hozen village prior to battle between horde and alliance here at serpent’s heart.  during battle, enormous sha creature appeared, spawned several lesser sha, and attacked both sides.  the primary sha was driven off and most survivors from both armies evacuated from field, but shokia and the alliance sniper were left behind in the confusion.  both have been trying to pick each other off from behind cover since.

awaiting further orders.

So, since Krog is apparently still unable to make a call on his own, even when he’s PINNED DOWN IN THE FIELD, I’ll kick it back to you all…