Archive for razor hill

Spazzle Speaks: Tours of Duty

Posted in Spazzle Speaks, Transcripts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 31, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

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A little Earth Online interlude while Garrosh spins his yarn from Pandaria…

 

You have logged on.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Interesting.  What kind of research, Leslie?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  hi baddie

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered:  Hey mon.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  its really pretty technical

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  HI MRBADCRUMBLE

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  hey everyone

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  probably pretty boring if its not what you do

You whispered to [Bob | Vol’jin]:  hey

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Greetings, Spazzle.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  i can try to explain some of it to you if you think it would help.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  hey

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oh I’m sure it’s fascinating.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  lol prof

You whispered to [Bob | Vol’jin]:  I just got back from the echo isles a little while ago

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  i’ve got a handle on it, prof, its my job after all

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  If you’d care to elaborate, of course.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Certainly no intrusion intended if you prefer not to.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  working on Jaina again?

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered:  Tanks for checkin’ up on it for me, mon.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  well yes, but i would imagine understanding the nielas vector hypothesis would be part of your job, too, and we’ve already established you don’t really have a handle on that.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Everyone needs a hobby.  ^_^

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  omg i do too

You whispered to [Bob | Vol’jin]:  it’s fine

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  u think your right about everything

You whispered to [Bob | Vol’jin]:  I had some business down there anyway

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  oh hardly.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  i know my nielas vectors, though.

You whispered to [EdwardBear | Ji]:  hey

[Lorthemar] has logged on.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  look, i supervise mages for a living, i would think i know about nielas vectors

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  i would think you’d know about them, too.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  so see?  i’m not always right.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  ugh whatever

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  hi lor

You whispered to [Bob | Vol’jin]:  just had to be careful not to be seen by any kor’kron on the way

[Guild][Bob | Vol’jin]  Hey, Lor mon.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  I STILL WANT TO KNOW HOW YOU KNOW ALL THIS STUFF PROF

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  i’ve said before, i read a lot.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Greetings, all!

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  brb

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered:  You run into any trouble?

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  HI LOR

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Good evening, Lor’themar.

You whispered to [Bob | Vol’jin]:  not really

[Guild][Lorthemar]  And how is everyone this fine evening?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  hey lor’themar

[Officer][Lorthemar]  Good evening.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  doing ok

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  How are you settling in on…the Isle of Thunder, is it?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  just missing my baby

[Officer][Lorthemar]  Yes indeed.

[Officer][Lorthemar]  Not badly at all.  Setting up took some doing, but we had some good help on hand.

You whispered to [Bob | Vol’jin]:  there are more kor’kron in razor hill than there used to be

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  AWWW

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  It’s good you were able to get your internet connection working from there.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I know our…esteemed Warchief has been having stability issues.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Oh?  I thought you two sat next to each other while you played.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Goodness, I just reread the last thing I said, and I must say it gave me quite the chuckle.  ^_^

You whispered to [Bob | Vol’jin]:  I think after they rebuilt the inn, they used it as an excuse to ramp up security

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  not right now

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  At any rate, I know I would be lost without my connection.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  I’ve noticed you really seem to be online, like, ALL the time

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  WE USUALLY DO

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  i’m away on business for a little while

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  I don’t think I’ve logged on without you being here

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well, that’s partly because, being undead, I don’t strictly need to sleep.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Oh, I see

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Which frees up lots of online time.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  don’t you have work you need to do in the undercity, though?

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered:  Garrosh give ’em enough time, they be makin’ lots more places “secure.”

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  so for right now the game is a way for us to still hang out together a little

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Yes, but I just take it with me everywhere.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Some of the warlocks worked out a way to project a likeness of my computer screen onto a writing tablet I carry around – an Eye Pad of Kilrogg, they call it.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  IT MAKES ME GLAD I STARTED PLAYING THIS GAME

You whispered to [Bob | Vol’jin]:  anyway, I got down there without much trouble

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  The name, I will admit, is inelegant.  I may have marketing give it another pass.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  EVEN IF I’M STILL KIND OF A NOOB

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered:  What’s da word from Trall?

You whispered to [EdwardBear | Ji]:  Ji?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  its ok, sweetie, being a newbie might be a nice change of pace for you

[Guild][Lorthemar]  You know, it’s a funny coincidence, I’m doing some traveling for work as well.

[Guild][Bob | Vol’jin]  I know how dat goes, mon.

You whispered to [Bob | Vol’jin]:  all clear so far

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  LOR’THEMAR

[Officer][Lorthemar]  Yes?

[Guild][Bob | Vol’jin]  Dis game be a way for me ta talk ta people too.

You whispered to [Bob | Vol’jin]:  nobody seems to have noticed anything going on down there

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  oh wow small world

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  -Don’t- say any more about what you’re doing.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Improbable though it would seem, I don’t think she realizes who you really are.

You whispered to [Bob | Vol’jin]:  which is kind of weird, considering it’s been months since they took out the kor’kron occupation

[Guild][Bob | Vol’jin]  Been tryin’ ta not talk too much fa real what wit I got a nasty sore troat dese days, mon.

[Officer][Lorthemar]  Yeah, don’t remind me.  I get that a lot.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well, yes, there’s that.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  i hope you feel better, bobby

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered:  While Garrosh still be in Pandaria, Eitrigg be da one mindin’ da store in Orgrimmar

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  But you’re also wasting a potential tactical advantage if you give away too much around her.

[HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] has earned the achievement [Grand Central Station]!

[EdwardBear | Ji] has earned the achievement [Grand Central Station]!

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered:  He be no friend a da changes Malkorok been makin’ in da Kor’kron.

You whispered to [Bob | Vol’jin]:  yeah

[Guild][Bob | Vol’jin]  Hey, grats, mon!

[Officer][Lorthemar]  How do you mean?

You whispered to [Bob | Vol’jin]:  I just wish things would get back to normal again

You whispered to [Bob | Vol’jin]:  or more normal at least

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Congratulations, all!

[EdwardBear | Ji] whispered:  sorry, leslie was running me and puff through an instance

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  THANKS DEAR

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  …Really?

[Officer][Lorthemar]  Really what?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  my pleasure sweetie =)

[EdwardBear | Ji] whispered:  i didn’t see your tell till just now

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered:  Dey gonna get worse before dey get better, mon.

You whispered to [Bob | Vol’jin]:  yeah

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  ty leslie

You whispered to [EdwardBear | Ji]:  it’s ok

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Has…nobody told you who Proudleslie is?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  yw eddie

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  I haven’t…

[Officer][Lorthemar]  No, who is she?

[EdwardBear | Ji] whispered:  did you find anything out?

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  OH WOW ONE MORE BUBBLE AND I’LL LEVEL TOO

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  oh boy

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Proudleslie is Jaina Proudmoore.

You whispered to [EdwardBear | Ji]:  I talked to thrall, yeah

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  next thing u know your going to be all grown up!

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  = )

You whispered to [EdwardBear | Ji]:  had to be careful not to give away too much

[Officer][Lorthemar]  …

[Officer][Lorthemar]  She’s…she’s…  WHY??

[Officer][Lorthemar]  WHY would we let her be in the guild?

[EdwardBear | Ji] whispered:  what did he say?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  then i can get you all geared up and ready for big people adventures!

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  Sylvanas convinced Garrosh to let her stay.

[Officer][Lorthemar]  By convincing him we’re living in Upside Down Crazy Land??

You whispered to [EdwardBear | Ji]:  the easiest place for you to reach the earthen ring is at the twilight citadel

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  I APPRECIATE ALL THE TIME YOU’VE BEEN SPENDING HELPING ME LEVEL

You whispered to [EdwardBear | Ji]:  most of their heavy hitters are still over at the maelstrom, but they usually don’t let just anyone over there

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  No, Regent-Lord, by pointing out that keeping her close, without her knowing who -we- are, puts us in a position to ply her for information that might be of use to us.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  how’s that been working out for you, by the way?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  aww, anything for my baby

[EdwardBear | Ji] whispered:  ok

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Hush now.  It’s an ongoing project.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  At any rate, Lor’themar, please try to be careful what you say

You whispered to [EdwardBear | Ji]:  so your best bet is to head down to the twilight highlands

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  i kinda like getting to take care of you here after everything you do for me

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  MY PLEASURE, M’LADY

You whispered to [EdwardBear | Ji]:  they’ve been working on setting up again there since the twilight’s hammer was driven out

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina<3

[EdwardBear | Ji] whispered:  what’s that?

[Officer][Lorthemar]  Ugh, fine.

[Officer][Lorthemar]  This is not good for my rage.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  aww thats my lil puffy magic dragon  =)

You whispered to [EdwardBear | Ji]:  what’s what?

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  = )

[Officer][Lorthemar]  And of course Garrosh took the anger management counselor with him to Pandaria.

[Officer][Lorthemar]  To spite me, I’ll bet you anything.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  plus did i mention you look sexy as a fireman?

[EdwardBear | Ji] whispered:  the twilight’s hammer

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  rawr  ;)

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  To be fair, keeping an anger management specialist close to Garrosh is probably a wise move.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  she’s kind of got you there

[Officer][Lorthemar]  *looks in guild chat*

You whispered to [EdwardBear | Ji]  long story

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  i wish i could adequately impress upon you the sheer magnitude of the fact that you’re making *me* want to vomit.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  oh boo prof, havent u ever been in love before

You whispered to [EdwardBear | Ji]  last year’s bad guys

[Officer][Lorthemar]  I can’t believe this woman is beating me.

[Officer][Lorthemar]  Anyway…

[EdwardBear | Ji] whispered:  oh

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  as a matter of fact.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  what happened?

[Officer][Lorthemar]  Let’s talk about something else before I get too annoyed.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  the scourge.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  oh  =(

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  at any rate, i should log for now, i have some packing to do.

You whispered to [EdwardBear | Ji]:  i really don’t know if it’s going to accomplish much going to them, though

[Guild][Bob | Vol’jin]  Be seein’ ya, mon!

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  BYE PROF

[Officer][Lorthemar]  Hmm, speaking of which, do you know anything about what’s going on with Faranell?

[ProfHubert | Faranell] has logged off.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  sorry if i brought up bad memories prof

[EdwardBear | Ji] whispered:  it’s worth a try

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I was going to ask you, actually.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  blah missed him

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  All I know is that he’s going to Orgrimmar at the request of your Lady Liadrin.

[Officer][Lorthemar]  That’s all I know as well.

[EdwardBear | Ji] whispered:  if anyone will have any ideas about what happened to mokvar, it would be them

[Officer][Lorthemar]  Liadrin told me she was requesting Faranell from you, but was rather dodgy about details.

[Officer][Lorthemar]  I’d assumed she would have told you more.

You whispered to [EdwardBear | Ji]:  i hate to say it, but i think we might already know what happened to mokvar

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Not particularly, only that she had need of his alchemical skills for some of her work with the Dalaran refugees.

[Officer][Lorthemar]  Don’t they have apothecaries in Orgrimmar?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  Tons over in the Valley of Spirits.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I raised that point myself.  All she would say was that it’s a matter of some delicacy and she would prefer to call on someone she knows.

[EdwardBear | Ji] whispered:  it’s possible mokvar is really gone

[Officer][Lorthemar]  It’s exhausting having our supposed underlings running around on their own like this.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Preaching to the choir, Regent-Lord.

[EdwardBear | Ji] whispered:  if he is, and i go, then he won’t be any more gone, and all i’ll have done is waste some of my own time

[Officer][Lorthemar]  We need better minions.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  We really do.

[EdwardBear | Ji] whispered:  if he’s not, and i don’t go, then it might cost us something more valuable

[EdwardBear | Ji] whispered:  the only mistake would be not to act

[Officer][Lorthemar]  Hmm, guild chat is quiet.

You whispered to [EdwardBear | Ji]:  believe me, I hope you find something.

You whispered to [EdwardBear | Ji]:  I’m just trying not to get my hopes up

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Jaina and Kalecgos are probably talking in tells.

[EdwardBear | Ji] whispered:  well either way, i should be back soon

[EdwardBear | Ji] whispered:  i should get going

You whispered to [EdwardBear | Ji]:  me too

[Officer][Lorthemar]  I wonder what they’re talking about that’s so secret.

[EdwardBear | Ji] whispered:  talk to you soon

You whispered to [EdwardBear | Ji]:  good luck

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Probably you.

You have logged off.

Pandaren excursions

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , on November 17, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

A few updates on the ongoing events in Pandaria.

First and foremost, keep those reports coming.  Some of you have posted some information on your reconnaissance in Pandaria in the comments of my original call for intelligence, some have written to me directly – I’m planning to address some of the write-in reports in this Monday’s mailbag, so be sure to get your contributions in pronto.  Keep it all coming, especially those letters for this coming week.

Your reports are going to be important while I suss out our tactics in the new territories, especially since our new panda recruits are turning out to be a little less helpful in that regard than I’d hoped.  I’d just figured that they could provide a lot of inside information on Pandaria what with, you know, them being freaking PANDAREN, but as it turns out, the pandas who lived on the Wandering Isle were a whole separate bunch who haven’t really had much contact with mainland Pandaria for generations…so other than a few very general cultural insights, they’re as much in the dark as I am.  Way to ingratiate yourself to me right off the bat there, Ji.

I’ve gotten a brief update from General Nazgrim.  He says he’s making inroads recruiting one of the local hozen tribes to fight on our side.  Whatever the fuck a “hozen” is.  Still, more troops will only help, especially considering Nazgrim doesn’t have too many of his own people left after the Hellscream’s Fist got turned into the Hellscream’s Flaming Pile of Toothpicks and Corpses.  (Or as Shademaster Kiryn would probably call it, “a pit roast waiting to happen.”)  I’m still not sure how Nazgrim managed not to notice that the Alliance had an air base down there.  He seemed kind of evasive about that whole part of the episode, so I may need to do some following up there.

Speaking of which.  Since we’ve got a bunch of questions hanging over the entire situation down there, I decided to get some official sleuthing going.  Early yesterday, I dispatched Krog to Pandaria to start investigating what happened to the original Horde fleet, the one that had chased the Alliance flagship down and ran it aground.  Krog had been doing some undercover work on a few loose ends in the recent Razor Hill incident, but for time being I’ve pulled him off of that case to send him to Pandaria.  I’m having him file regular reports on his progress with the invesitation.  Hopefully he’ll be able to find some answers.

And all that sounds fine in theory.  One problem: all of Krog’s previous detective work was in pretty familiar territory – Dustwallow Marsh, the Barrens, Razor Hill, etc.  Get the dude out of his element, and combine that with me stressing that I want answers and not fuck-ups, and the guy turns into a big worrier who won’t make a move without double checking with me.  Should I report to General Nazgrim’s camp or go straight to the last known location of the fleet? he asks me.  I tell him to go right for the fleet.  Should I send word to Nazgrim at all that I’m there?  Don’t worry about Nazgrim’s team, they’ve got their own thing going.  Should I search the remains of our ships first or the remains of the port?  Dude, surprise me, okay?  It’s like I’m at an annoying deli or some shit.  Do you want white or wheat?  Cheese or no?  Mustard, ketchup, or mayo?  Mustard, you say?  Brown or yellow?  Do you want a side of fries with that or onion rings?  Or chips?  How about a pickle?  I JUST WANT A FUCKING SANDWICH before I gnaw my own fucking ARM off, OKAY?

So yeah.  Ugh.  Updates to follow.  Aren’t we all lucky?

The Razor Hill incident

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 2, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

The party’s still going strong throughout Orgrimmar, but this afternoon I’ve been taking a break from eating, drinking, and making merry to tend to a little business.  There have been a few internal security reports from Malkorok that I’ve been needing to go over, but one in particular that came in this morning that I’ve been focusing on.

 

ATTN:  Garrosh Hellscream, glorious Warchief of the Horde

RE:  Razor Hill and related investigations

Local security reported last night’s destruction of Razor Hill Inn by explosion.  Full investigation conducted earlier today.  Findings, conclusions, and recommendations detailed below.

FINDINGS:

  • Initial report submitted by Orgnil Soulscar at 11:00 PM.  Eyewitnesses place explosion at approximately 10:15 to 10:30 PM.
  • At time of explosion, innkeeper Grosk was outside inn, disposing of trash.  Explosion threw innkeeper several yards away; suffered multiple light to moderate injuries.
  • Forensics indicate explosion originated from within inn.  Remnants of several frag grenades recovered, most from tavern, some from remains of upstairs area.
  • Recovered grenade fragments appear goblin in design, with signs of poor construction.
  • Total 26 bodies recovered from all areas of inn: 2 orc; 4 goblin; 7 tauren; 8 troll; 3 blood elf; 2 forsaken.
  • Among bodies positively identified: Captains Frandis Farley, Undercity; Kelantir Bloodblade, Silvermoon.

CONCLUSIONS:

  • Blast appears to have occurred as a result of poorly constructed explosives stored improperly in upstairs room of inn.  Possible amateurish work by engineering trainee or carelessness by inexperienced soldier.  Both would be frequent denizens of Razor Hill based on typical town demographics.
  • Explosion likely exacerbated by several kegs of alcoholic beverages stored haphazardly in tavern.
  • No indications of foul play; however, possibility of Alliance sabotage or treasonous insurgent activity cannot be ruled out 100%.

RECOMMENDATIONS:

  • Review training programs for Horde recruits in use and storage of military explosives.  Possibly expand requirement of these training programs to ensure all soldiers and conscripts are adequately knowledgeable on proper handling of ordnance.
  • Continued follow-up investigation among related parties, particularly trolls and tauren, in light of recent conspicuous absence of Vol’jin and Baine Bloodhoof from both Orgrimmar and Razor Hill.
  • Reassignment of one to two Kor’kron-trained security personnel to outlying towns and outposts.  Ideally all such locations, staff permitting; at minimum, all outposts in close proximity to Orgrimmar or other capital cities.
  • Payment to innkeeper Grosk, as generously as budget will permit, of reimbursement for property damage, rebuilding, and pain and suffering.  It would be a shame for a loyal citizen to lose his livelihood through no fault of his own.

As always, any further discoveries will be brought to the Warchief’s attention immediately.

Case classified as CLOSED, with allowance for subsequent addenda.

–Malkorok of the Kor’kron High Guard.

 

I’ve read over the report a couple times, and I’ll tell you right now, there’s more than one part of this whole thing that doesn’t sit right with me.  Not least of all the fact that Kelantir was one of the deaths.  She trained under Liadrin, so I kind of feel like after everything we’ve been through lately, I owe it to Liadrin to deliver that news myself.  Not looking forward to that conversation.

Malkorok seems pretty satisfied with his investigation – if there’s one thing he’s good at, it’s covering all his bases, not to mention how fast he turned this report around – but he also mentioned some followup work in there.  Might be something to be said for due diligence.  In fact, I may see about sending a personal messenger down to Brackenwall Village while we still have some people doing a little back-and-forth in Dustwallow.

Hang on.  Visitor.

 

So that was a troll scout, with news of the urgent variety.

The Alliance is coming.

Naval scouts have just reported an Alliance fleet approaching Bladefist Bay – dozens of ships, including one marked as a royal flagship.  Which can mean only one thing: Varian.

The messenger was all worked up and panicking – as it this was a bad thing.  Me, I could barely contain my excitement.  I’d just assumed I would have to go to Stormwind in order to give an overdue stepping-on to that two-legged, pink-skinned cockroach.  I never dreamed he would hop on a ship and come deliver himself to me right here.  Crisis?  Please.  This is a gift.  Hell, I’ll have to remember to tell Varian thank you, right before I snap his spindly neck.

I’m heading to Bladefist Bay to lead a force to intercept the Alliance ships at sea, along with a few surprises.  I just hope I can get close enough to see the look on that sniveling human’s face when he sees what I have in store for him.

It’s about to be a very good day.  The end of history has begun.

Lifetime piling up

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

I killed her.  Me and my big mouth.

Not literally.  But I might as well have.  It was enough that she died because I left myself vulnerable when Grebo attacked.  But Grebo just BEING there was my fault.

I had to go yammering on in guild chat about where I was going with her.  Not even thinking about who might be there listening in.  How many times do I have to run into people pretending to be something they’re not on the internet before I get it through my thick skull?  And so, there they were, Varian Wrynn and Jaina Proudmoore, right there in my own guild, soaking it all in.  I might as well have sent them fucking invitations and enclosed a poisoned blade.  And lo and behold, a pack of humans turn up out of nowhere.

It’s the only thing that makes sense.  That’s the only time I talked to anyone about where we were going, other than my mother herself and a few of the guards we passed leaving Orgrimmar and traveling through Ashenvale.

I know what you’re thinking – how to account for Grebo.  He’s still an orc, right?  So why would he be working with humans if that’s who’s behind this?  And see, that’s where you’re just looking at the surface.  Grebo WAS an orc.  That thing that attacked me in Demon Fall Canyon?  That was Grebo’s reanimated corpse.  I’ve been talking to Draz’Zilb out of Brackenwall Village – he’s no stranger to necromancy, and he tells me that when someone is resurrected, there’s a whole range of possibilities as far as how much of the actual person is still there.  Maybe it’s the entire being come back whole.  Maybe it’s an empty shell, walking around wearing the original person’s face.  Maybe it’s any of a million points in between, any combination of memories, motivations, personality, will…anyway, he tells me it wouldn’t be much of a stretch at all to rig things so whoever you’re raising is going to be perfectly cooperative, whoever you happen to be.

No shock to anyone, I’ve been going over and over this in my head all day.  I ended up needing to get out of my war room and get some air, so I took Mortimer for a ride around Durotar.  I was planning just to fly around some and hopefully clear my head, but on one loop around we passed over Tiragarde Keep.  And I happened to look down.

Humans.

So I landed.  An hour later and I was still there.  Not even rushing around, just taking my time, wandering through the keep, cutting down any humans I could find.

Usually we’ve been content to leave this human outpost alone – it doesn’t pose any real threat, and the humans there are weak even by human standards, and in a way they’re handy to have around as a training exercise for some of our up-and-comers out of Razor Hill.  Send the young blood over, have them take out some easy human pickings, we keep the cockroach population under control and the kids feel like they’ve accomplished something.  Everybody wins.

Not today.  Today I’m in no mood to humor them.  Today I’m done tolerating their presence, these pathetic vermin daring – PRESUMING – to claim a foothold in our lands.  These two-legged rats from Theramore (THERAMORE), sitting here almost within eyeshot of Orgrimmar… I’m done with them.  They’re like animals – every action I’ve ever known them to take shows it.  WORSE than animals, even – at least a dog understands loyalty, and a wyvern has some instinctive sense of honor.  Like animals, but less.  So I slaughtered them like animals.

It was a good afternoon.  While it lasted.

A long time ago I swore I’d make the humans regret the crimes they’ve committed against our people.  Somehow I let those words become just that: words.  Got lazy, grew complacent, contented myself with sitting around on a throne made out of the skull of an enemy I didn’t even kill myself and puffing out my chest like I’d done enough.

No more.

Legionnaire Nazgrim finally returned home to Orgrimmar last week after extended duty in Vashj’ir.  I’m promoting him to General and putting him in charge of the initial stages of what comes next.  I’ll be laying out our military plans in the next few days, but I don’t plan on wasting much time before we get to work.  I’ve already wasted enough.  It’s time I got to work doing what I should have done long ago.

Kill them all.

Monday mailbag

Posted in Mailbag with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 3, 2011 by Garrosh Hellscream

Well, I asked for questions, and you all obliged!  Let’s have a look at some of this week’s mailbag – actual letters from actual readers!

 

Zug-zug, Warchief!

Me a peon who read your blog.  Me like reading words of my great warchief!  And now you ask to hear from peons like myself?  This what makes warchiefs Garrosh and Thrall great leaders!  Me thank you.

You ask for questions from peons.  Me have a question me want to ask, but was too scared.  Me ask it now though.  What happened to your head?  When you went to Northrend it look like any other orc head, now it look like your head too small or your jaw too big.  Me think you wounded in glorious battle, but never heard story of how.

Also me would like nap break in afternoon but overseer beat me and make work more.  Me can has nap break?

–A Tired Peon

First of all, someone remind me to up the Razor Hill education budget next year, before we get another generation of peons grimlocking their way through writing a letter.

Second of all, ATP, the head thing.  Yeah, I know.  Don’t think I don’t notice the way people stare at me when they drop by Grommash Hold – and for realsies, you’re not fooling anyone, people.  Acting like you’re staring in another direction and then glancing over when you think I’m not going to see?  Totally not working.  So I guess I might as well answer this once and for all.

So I’d like to say this was from some epic battle in Northrend, like me squaring off with Arthas, or even Anub’arak, and maybe having him unleash one of those swarms of locusts on me and they buzzed all over me and crushed my head down or some shit like that.  But the truth of the matter is, it wasn’t anything that exciting.

Those of you who were up there in Northrend with me will remember my last operation was at Light’s Hammer just inside the gates of Icecrown Citadel.  You might also remember that I spent most of that time hanging out there with Tirion Fordring.  Who I’d already had my fill of, by the way, when I went to meet him with Thrall at his stupid-ass tournament place.  (Like seriously, isn’t ONE pansy-ass traveling fair enough for the world?)  So hopefully you people were all too busy forging your way into the citadel and fighting our enemies like the Horde soldiers that you are…but meanwhile I was stuck back there with Tirion…who pretty much had nothing to do for a good long time but talk.  And talk.

On.

And on.

And on.

Like really, do you have ANY idea how blabby he is?  The preachiness was bad enough, having to sit there and listen to his EIGHT MILLION AND SEVEN spontaneous sermons to no one in particular about the power of the Light and the need to work together against a common foe, and blah blah blah.  But then he started going on for hours on end about his crazy uncle Lucius who used to live down the block from Andorhal, and thought he was King Llane, and caught Deadeye burning down a dwarf settlement in Loch Modan and forced him to retreat by beating him at Parcheesi, until he finally went off the deep end and painted himself blue and spent all his time running around Tirisfal Glades naked chasing bats with a wooden spatula, until the Kirin Tor snapped him up and locked up away in some padded room in Dalaran just to keep him out of trouble for his own good, and now Tirion feels like my day just won’t be complete until he tells me what kind of marmalade he liked to put on his toast in the morning, and I just couldn’t fucking TAKE it anymore.

So I just clamped my hands down over my ears as tight as I could and hummed real loud, and I guess I didn’t know my own strength and got carried away, because the next thing you know I’ve managed to squeeze my own fucking head down a couple helmet sizes.  So good job there, me.  Fucking Tirion.

Of course I suppose two years of Noggenfogger shampoo didn’t help matters, but that’s a whole other thing.

Speaking of not knowing my own strength…

 

Lok’tar, Warchief Hellscream.

I’m a warrior in the service of the Horde. I do pretty well on the battlefield, but I feel as though I can do much better. Could you tell me how you became so incredibly strong? Do you have a workout regiment, or did you acquire your amazing might through constantly crushing the enemies of the Horde under your boot?

–Revga, Orgrimmar

All of the above, Revga, all of the above.  There’s really no substitute for beating the living shit out of real, live foes.  For one thing, you never know what they’re going to try next, so it keeps you on your toes.  Plus, you can really push yourself if you can find some real grade-A enemies to take on.  Here’s where I think I might have an unfair advantage over a lot of guys, since I grew up in Nagrand.  While some of the Horde here in Azeroth get started killing boars and wolves and bats, I got to get my exercise fighting hand to hand with giant fucking gronn and whole villages of ogres.

Besides that, I do have a workout routine that works pretty well for me.  First thing in the morning I run a hundred laps around Grommash Hold.  While I’m going around I get some extra arm exercise in by slapping the fuck out of all the pansy-ass vendors just standing around doing nothing.  Especially Ray’ma, because trolls sound extra funny when you slap them around.  Then I drop by the meat vendor (once she’s regained consciousness) and pick up eight pounds of roast boar for my breakfast.  Gotta maintain your strength, and the protein’s good for muscle, you know.

After that I jog up by the rear gate of Orgrimmar where we keep all the siege engines, find one that looks pretty stable, and bench press it.  Nothing too major, just a couple hundred reps.  Then I head over to the arena and spar with some of my Kor’kron personal guards for a couple hours.  The ones that live get to keep their jobs.

By that point most days it’s around lunch time, so I put Gorehowl away, hop on a wyvern (MAYBE I’LL TAKE MORTIMER THIS TIME, DEHTA BITCHES – THAT’S RIGHT, I FOUND HIM!), and fly down to Un’goro Crater…taking the scenic route up through Hyjal and Felwood then down around Silithus and through Uldum, of course (BECAUSE MORTIMER NEEDS HIS FUCKING EXERCISE TOO).  When I get there I find a couple devilsaurs, beat them to death with my bare hands, drag them over to Fire Plume Ridge, and hold them over the lava till they get a good sear.  Then it’s lunch time.  When I’m done I head over to the eastern cliff face to get some rock climbing in, and scale my way up into Tanaris.  From that point I jog over to the shore and usually drop by the Caverns of Time, or as I like to call them, the Caverns of Did I Beat My Best Time.  Right now I’m sitting on 34 seconds.  BEAT IT IF YOU CAN.  If you don’t believe me, just take it up with Anachronos, he’s usually the one holding the stopwatch, even if it’s kind of a funky-looking melty one.  Anyway, from there I jog on over to the shore and get in my afternoon swim.  Which in my case means I swim from Tanaris right on back up to Durotar.

So I know what you’re thinking at this point: Wait, Garrosh, you just said you had lunch a little while before this, plus it was devilsaur, and we all know how heavy that can be – isn’t it bad for you to go swimming a short time after you’ve eaten?  And the answer is yes, yes it is….IF YOU’RE A GODDAMN FUCKING PANSY.

Once I make it back to Orgrimmar, it’s usually time for afternoon tea.

At that point I usually have some Warchief crap I have to take care of, so that’s about it for the workout.  As you can tell, being this awesome is a full-time job.  You don’t just get a body like mine for nothing.  And speaking of taking an interest in my body…

 

Heyyyy mighty Warchief Garrosh Hellscream, you don’t know me I’m your biggest fan EVAH!!!

And I’m an orc, and a gal, so please answer me… what color panties do you prefer in a woman? *hint hint nudge nudge*

Your faithful fan & minion

–Uukra the Hallowed

You know, you’d be surprised how often I get questions like this.  (Like seriously, if it was ANYTHING like this for Thrall, I don’t know why the hell he would want to get married.)

So, Uukra, to answer you.  When you come right down to it, I’m basically a soldier at heart, so I’m going to put this to you in military terms.  One word: commando.  ;-)

I mean, I know that’s how I roll.

Yes, you read that right.  Soak up THAT mental image.  You’re welcome.

 

Dear Warchief Hellscream,

Since you mentioned Jaina Proudmoore in your post about Thrall’s wedding, and I figure you must be in the know, I just have to ask about those two.  You know what I’m talking about.  Did Thrall ever, um, you know?

–Grimgore, Orgrimmar

Jaina?  Oh, geez, dude, who HASN’T?

Other than Lor’themar.  Obvious reasons.

 

That’s it for this week, but keep those letters and questions coming!  YOUR WARCHIEF DEMANDS THEM!

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