Archive for questing

Monday mailbag

Posted in Mailbag with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 19, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

Well, I asked for reports from the field, and as always, my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS stepped up to the plate and delivered.  There were a bunch of you who offered your scouting reports from Pandaria in the comments on my original post – I’d recommend having a look if you missed them, so you can see some of the early recon reports along with my responses – while some of you decided to write in to me directly.

So, let’s have at it.

 

This first one was actually posted as an open letter on Vanicus’ blog, which I’m reproducing here:

Dear Warchief,

You requested reports from the field in Pandaria. I have recently been on assignment in the southernmost part of the continent, in an area known as the Krasarang Wilds. It was there that I ran into a bipedal reptilian species known as the Saurok. I was fighting three of these creatures when, unbeknownst to me, a fourth unstealthed behind me. Suddenly this flying ball of fur and claws whipped past my head, and when I bested my opponents and turned around, this tiny windrider cub had attached himself to the Saurok’s face. Henceforth, he has followed me everywhere, and, given his bravery, loyalty, and ability to watch my back even at such a young age, I thought it appropriate to give him a worthy name. I have long been an admirer of your own Mortimer, and hope that mine will live up to the name.

 

F.Y.V.

–Crusader Vanicus, Krasarang Wilds

Okay, so you know what, Vanicus?  That’s just fantastic.  Glad to see you getting on board the wyverns-are-awesome bandwagon.  Believe me, you won’t regret keeping the little guy around.  If anything, he’s sure to provide you with heaps of entertainment when enemies underestimate him and then promptly find themselves getting WTFpwned.

One recommendation, though – make sure you’re diligent about keeping your food stored away somewhere he can’t get to it.  And do NOT underestimate the little furball when you’re sizing up “somewhere he can’t get to it.”  Those wyverns are RESOURCEFUL.  Seriously.  I’m at least 80% sure that a group of wyverns could cure cancer tomorrow if they thought there was a crate of fresh clefthoof steak in it for them.  And the last thing you need with ANY pet is for them to start getting fat, much less a pet whose calling card is the ability to FLY.

Side note, by the way – I’ve gotten a few notices on the Krasarang Wilds area.  Sounds like an interesting place, definitely worth keeping in mind for future operations.  It also seems like a fairly tropical area, which I have to say sounds kind of odd.  Follow along with me here: Pandaria is in the southern end of the ocean.  The Krasarang Wilds cover the southernmost part of the continent.  Which means that that zone should be relatively close to Azeroth’s south pole, so…you know…shouldn’t it be kind of COLD there?  Rather than all jungly and hospitable for cold-blooded reptilian races?

I mean, I would boggle more at the utter weirdness of Azerothian geography that it apparently gets WARMER as you go from the equator to the south pole, but then again, I hail from the shattered remains of a planet consisting of one big, flat chunk of rock that somehow still manages to maintain an atmosphere and gravitational field.  So, you know, who am I to criticize?

 

Dear Warchief,

I have begun my exploration of Pandaria as you requested.  I am currently focusing my attention on a region called the Valley of the Four Winds.  I must admit that my exploration has slowed down a lot here as the locals have offered me the chance to take up farming!  This was very new and exciting for me.  Having grown up in Silvermoon, I never had the chance to take up agriculture.  With all the mages, we would usually just conjure up our food.  You wouldn’t believe the difference it makes to have the fresh grown variety!

I would highly recommend paying a visit here when you have the chance, if only for the cuisine.  I’ve always been an amateur cook (I even made my EO character the chef class!) and I’m amazed by the variety of cooking styles here.  There are whole schools of recipes, like the wok, the grill, the steamer, etc.  I may need to get out of here before I get fat.

–Tandeleina, Halfhill

Oh come on now – you’re a blood elf, right?  Has a blood elf EVER gotten fat?  Or is that just because of the whole magic addiction thing?  Once you start using the Arcane Patch, does that put you in danger of putting on some pounds?

Anyway, Tandeleina, thanks for writing.  I guess it’ll be a good thing that our troops will be eating well once they get down there.  I can’t say I’m surprised that the pandas went all out developing different styles of cooking, considering how seriously they take their beer-brewing.  Eat, drink, and be merry, right?

Also, since you mentioned Earth Online, can I just say how MADDENING it is to level the cooking secondary profession there?  Maybe it’s different when it’s your actual character class, but those recipes are INSANE.  They use like ten times as many ingredients as anything in real life, and the process of cooking them is so ridiculously long and complicated.  I don’t know how ANYONE has the patience to level that shit up.

 

Greetings, Warchief:

I have spent most of my time in Pandaria studying the geology and mineralogy of this new continent.  I am pleased to report an unusually high concentration of a new metal ore in this region, (called “ghost iron” by the local residents).  Said ore contains a great number of high quality (and very beautiful) gems which are able to absorb and store an astonishing amount of magical essence — almost six and a half times more than the highest quality of gem previously known.  Day by day I continue my research in this area.  I believe my findings shall be most profitable.

However, this new continent may provide the solution to an even more desperate material concern: that of provisioning our armies and feeding our citizens.  I am no agricultural expert, but even I can tell that gaining control of the region known as the Valley of the Four Winds would solve this problem at a stroke.  Since words are insufficient to explain what I mean, I have enclosed a picture:

As you can see, this land is incredibly fertile and produces vegetables the size of which can scarcely be comprehended.  Local farmers attribute the size of their crops to the magical waters that pour into the valley.  I respectfully recommend further research into the properties of this water.

There are a few other oddities that might deserve further study.  For instance, I have no idea what to make of the flocks of flying turtles:

They seemed harmless enough… but one can never be too certain.  I noticed a mage running around near the turtles cackling maniacally, so perhaps the turtles have some detrimental effect on the mind?  So I killed them.  The turtles and the mage.  Just to be safe.

Finally, I hear that you are looking to procure new creatures for gladiatorial combat.  Might I recommend pitting some of the Pandarian virmen against some murlocs?

Respectfully Yours,

–Karalina, Valley of the Four Winds

Thanks for writing, Karalina, but man, what’s up with everybody thinking with their stomachs today?  Do you know Tandeleina?  Were you two roommates at Silvermoon University or something, and took on the freshman fifteen together?

So, on the plus side, HOLY CRAP them’s some huge vegetables.  On the down side…well, they’re frigging VEGETABLES.  Show me a magical, bottomless source of 800-pound slabs of bacon, and THEN I’ll be impressed.  Still, I suppose the giant rabbit food must be good for something.  Other than, you know, raising giant rabbits.  Or are you going to tell me they have those out there, too?  Point being, though, I suppose giant carrots and cabbages and such would probably be pretty handy to someone.  They’d probably go over like gangbunsters at the salad bars they have up in Silvermoon.  And they might actually make for a nice finishing touch over in the Valley of Spirits, come to think of it.  (You trolls wanted more food?  WELL HERE YOU GO, HAVE SOME MORE MOTHERFUCKING FOOD.)

Interesting about the water up there, though.  Definitely something to follow up on.  I may see about getting Faranell down there on assignment to do some alchemical research on the stuff.  You know, as soon as I can arrange for some supervision for him, to make sure he doesn’t default to old habits and next thing we know the whole valley is one giant orchard of 50-pound PlagueApples.  (I can just hear him now – “Well no, green apple is a very popular flavor these days.” “GREEN apple, Edwin, not fucking GREEN AND FUMING NOXIOUS VAPORS…”)

What are these “virmen” things, by the way?  Whatever they are, gotta admit, setting ANYTHING up to kill murlocs for my amusement is going to be a pretty easy sell.

 

This letter arrives on a very, very long scroll of parchment which is almost completely covered in drawings. The words of the letter are scattered almost randomly throughout the sketches of Kalimdor creatures, and the ink colors of both drawings and words span the entire rainbow. Surprisingly, the handwriting is rather legible, despite a few mirrored letters and shaky lines.

Deer Mr Warcheif Sir,

Mr U and Mr D hav bin very nice to me. They told me what you sed, and I hav sum ansers for you. I had cak becuz I askd for it, and becuz I wud hav made it myself if no one did for me. I sed so, and evryon ran around making cak for me. It was funni. I did meet Mr D to, but he dosnt lik me as much as Mr U dos. Mr U is trying to help me rite and spell bettr to. He helpd me find tings to do to. Iv helpd a lot of peeple now, and they all gav me munny and new armer. I also lerned how to fly! Mr U and Mr D are jellis, becuz I can turn into a burd and they cant. They cant fly unless they hav wind riders. Now that I can fly, Im a big drewd. I was going to com see you and ask if I can help you, but Mr U and Mr D told me that when they talk to you, they get hit and dont get to say what they want to say. I was skerd youd hit me too. So I wrot a lettr insted. Can I help you? Im a big drewd now, and I want to do things like Mr U and Mr D get to.

The letter is signed with an inky pawprint and the name “Taktani” in multicolored inks.

Oh boy.  Here we go again.  Hang on a second while I fire up the TranslationMaster 2000 for this.

TranslationMaster 2000
© Fizzletrinket Technologies
Your free trial period has expired.  Please register your paid copy and enter your registration code in the field below.

…The FUCK?!  Spazzle set up a fucking paid registration system for this thing?!  Since when has he been trying to milk money out of people with his little dorky side projects?  Oh yeah, I forgot, he’s a GOBLIN, so I guess the answer to that would be since fucking EVER.  I’ll have to remember to strangle a registration code out of him later.

Anyway, I think I can handle this one myself.  I hope.

Okay, so apparently she’s hanging around with Dontrag and Utvoch, which, you know, better her than me.

I did meet Mr D to, but he dosnt lik me as much as Mr U dos.

Holy freaking hell, I hope this is just the dumbass illiterate way she spells “like.”  Please, please, spirits help me, for the love of all that’s good and vengeful, tell me she means “like” here, because if it’s option B, I seriously don’t know if I’ll be able to live.

Mr U is trying to help me rite and spell bettr to.

Riddle me this, Rexxar: which is more horrifying, the idea of Utvoch TEACHING someone writing skills, or the fact that the student in question could probably legitimately use his help?

I’m pretty sure language itself just threw up in its mouth a little.

I also lerned how to fly! Mr U and Mr D are jellis, becuz I can turn into a burd and they cant. They cant fly unless they hav wind riders.

Hey now, go ahead and enjoy your damn druid flight form, but you watch what you say about windriders, little Miss Veal Chop on Wings.  We’ve already covered the wyvern pride in this mailbag.

I was going to com see you and ask if I can help you, but Mr U and Mr D told me that when they talk to you, they get hit and dont get to say what they want to say. I was skerd youd hit me too. So I wrot a lettr insted.

D&U have sadly misinformed you if they’ve led you to believe that continuing to send me these letters would DECREASE the chance of your getting smacked around.  I swear, between D&U’s talking and this chick’s writing, it’s like they’re coordinating to make sure they’ve got mental anguish for Garrosh covered across every medium.

Anyway, though…since it seems like you really do want to help, and you’ve cleared out all the busywork in Kalimdor…  Why don’t you drop by the Dark Portal and see if they can use any help in Outland.  I bet they’ll have lots of stuff for you to do.  Hell, I hear your Cenarion druid hippie buddies even have a whole thing going on out there.  That should keep you occupied for a while.  (And seriously, I’m kind of disappointed in myself for not thinking of this until now – why did it not occur to me that I could frigging send Dontrag and Utvoch TO ANOTHER PLANET?)

 

Greetings Warchief,

I have made a grave mistake.  I am a Pandaren from the Wandering Island and decided to take up traveling after meeting some strangers from the Alliance and Horde.  I was told I would have to pick which faction I wished to join.  I decided on joining the Alliance because Aysa Cloudsinger was a cousin of mine.  It was a big mistake.  Varian Wyrnn is a complete pushover.  I was able to easily knock him down when he asked for a sparring session.  I need a leader that instill fear into his enemies and Varian is clearly not the one to do that.  I humbly ask if you would allow me to join the Horde so that I may hold my head high when I am fighting.

Eagerly awaiting your answer,

–Windblossom, Stormwind

You know, when the Huojin Pandaren showed up in Orgrimmar, I gave them all this big speech about how any of their panda friends who chose to side with the Alliance were dead to them now.  And I’d already decided that I was going to stick to a “You made your bed, now lie in it” policy for any pandas who had gone to the other side.

But you know…

Heh.

In this case, I’ve gotta say…

Hehe.  Heh heh.  Hehehe heh.

Hehe.

Hehe heh HAH hahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THAT’S just FUCKING AWESOME.

<looks at picture again>

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAAAAAA!!!!

<chucklecrying>

Welcome to the Horde, Windblossom.  F.Y.V.!

That’s it for this week, kids.  I need to go find a tissue.  Holy shit, my sides hurt.

 

 

HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH HEE HEEEE HAAA!

Fuck I love my readers.

<snort>

Surprises from the land down under

Posted in Transcripts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 8, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

So after the last few days, I decided I needed to relax and blow off a little steam, so I locked myself away upstairs for some gaming time, and…well…see for yourself.

 

You have logged on.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  I’m just about to start on the outback now

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  did you get the bread crumb quest to alice springs?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Hey, chief

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Hail, Garrosh!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  hi garrosh

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Hey guys

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  what’s up, boss?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  oh and hi, lorthemar

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  are you new?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Eh, doing okay, I guess

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Erm, no…

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Just need to destress a little

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I’ve been in this guild for months.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Why do people keep asking me that?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  oh okay

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  anyway, garona, when you start questing in the outback, just watch out for the dingo packs

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] has earned the achievement [Heroic: Sydney Opera House]!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  they’re bad news, huh?

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  grats!

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Congratulations!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  grats BQ

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Thank you, all! ^_^

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  And greetings, Warchief.  My apologies for being a bit distracted.  I was focused on an instance.

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  yeah gayle, they just turn up out of nowhere and swarm you

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh hey, that’s right, I forgot all about the expansion!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  ugh great – well thanks for the warning

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  How are you guys liking Australia?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  I take back all the jokes I made about it.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  the new zones are gorgeous!

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  they really did a nice job on it from what I’ve seen so far

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  BQ’s leaving us all in the dust, though

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  she’s level 60 already

[ProfHubert | Faranell] has logged on.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh wow

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well, I needed something to occupy myself with while many of you were going about the much more important work of fighting for the glory of the Horde.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  hi prof

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Shining success that it was.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Hey Edwin.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You could always put in a little time tracking down what happened to Koltira Deathweaver, you know

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh hey, there’s the doc

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  His whereabouts *are* indeed a mystery, I will grant.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  That’s good, I’d meant to check up on him after the dust settled

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  hiya prof

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You know, make sure he was still there and okay

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Yeah.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Warchief?  Why would Faranell not be okay?  He’s been here in the Undercity the whole time, nowhere near the conflicts in the Barrens and Dustwallow.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Huh

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  hello all

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Hey doc, how goes?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Hmm

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, good point, Sylvanas…

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  have I mentioned how much I love this new aoe looting?

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  it goes.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Oh man, yeah, that’s great.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  That was indeed a superb addition.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh hell yeah, is that active finally?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  yup

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay, so I think it’s time for me to get out there and have a look

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Going into the new zone cinematic, so I’ll be quiet for a few

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  So Edwin, everything okay down in the Apothecarium?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Enjoy, Warchief.  Let me know if I can be of any assistance.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  it’s fine.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Fairly quiet, since, as the good doctor will surely confirm, there’s little going on there other than routine defensive research.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  unless you count all the plague, yeah.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  lol

[Proudleslie] has logged on.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Your…droll sense of humor is amusing as always, doctor. A fine jest indeed.

[Guild][Proudleslie]  oh man what a week i’ve had

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Um…

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  if you say so.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  hi leslie

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Greetings!

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  oh no

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Isn’t that…?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  yeah

[Guild][Proudleslie]  hi everyone

[Guild][Proudleslie]  it’ll be good to unwind here a little

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  This isn’t going to be pretty, is it?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  nope

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  have you had a chance to get started on australia yet, leslie?

[Guild][Proudleslie]  just the first night

[Guild][Proudleslie]  i pulled a late nighter and managed to get a couple levels

[Guild][Proudleslie]  then i had a bunch of stuff blow up on me rl

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Sounds very hectic, Leslie…

[Guild][Proudleslie]  and now i have this new job so

[Guild][Proudleslie]  yea it really is

[Guild][Proudleslie]  brb afk

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  hb

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Oh HO, look at this!  I just found one of those rare koala pets!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  omg jealous!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  but yay!

[Guild][Lorthemar]  It is a cute little thing.  A bit odd looking, but…

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay, so that’s done

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  wb

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  so you’re in sydney now?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah…have a bunch of quests to do

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  the one with the wombat is kind of tough

[Guild][Proudleslie]  ok back

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay, well here we go

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Hang on

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  wb leslie

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Welcome back, both of you!

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Um…

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Oh boy

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  here we go

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Uh, YEAH here we go

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So…just to make sure I’m not mixing this up with some alternate reality or something

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  is that who I think it is?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Yeah.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  yeah, it’s jaina

[Guild][Proudleslie]  thanks gayle

[Guild][Proudleslie]  thanks lorthemar

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Welcome back, Leslie.  Good to see you again.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Question #2

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  WHY IS SHE STILL IN THE FUCKING GUILD

[Guild][Proudleslie]  thanks livin

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I hope things have settled down for you a bit.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  I don’t think anyone has seen her on since last time

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  and the whole thing with varian

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Warchief, if I may…

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Yeah, I guess nobody bothered to go back and gkick her while she was offline.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  And also why the hell are you being all buddy buddy with her, Sylvanas?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  A suggestion, Garrosh?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  That’s actually part of my suggestion.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  What suggestion, to be friends with our enemies, especially the ones who completely torpedoed what should have been a decisive win for the Horde?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Because apparently, we’re running Heroic Bizarro World in real life now?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Warchief…

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Or are you throwing in with Baine and Vol’jin to commemorate Hey Everybody Let’s All Piss Off Garrosh Week?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  That’s only a week?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Warchief, please hear me out.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh trust me, I’m all ears

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Consider for a moment: it’s precisely *because* Jaina has proven such a thorn in the Horde’s side that we should consider keeping her in the guild.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Because…?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  I’ll get another virus queued up, just in case…

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Recall the old adage, Warchief: keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  By all appearances, Jaina does not realize who we are.  I can’t imagine why Varian wouldn’t have told her, but then, considering Varian’s evident mental acuity, I suppose anything is possible.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  In any case, we have here among us a high-ranking member of the Alliance, who we know to have Varian’s ear, and will likely be privy to a great many of their plans, not to mention whichever ones she might be involved in personally.

[Guild][Proudleslie]  huh its gotten all quiet

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  If we can keep her around, we might be able to use it to our advantage, to ply inside information from her about our enemies’ movements.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I’d tried to make this same suggestion to you a few months ago when we discovered Varian had joined the guild, but you kicked him before I could make my point.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  But this time, Warchief, please, consider the possibilities here.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  I have to admit, it’s a pretty smart idea.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  they’re talking in officer chat

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I’m already working on befriending her.  We don’t need to do anything other than allow her to stay around, while we watch for openings.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I understand that you’re angry about the recent setbacks, but think of the benefit we might gain from this, with hardly any risk of loss on our part.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Huh… Okay, you know what, that actually IS pretty smart

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So, yeah, okay, let her stick around

[Guild][Proudleslie]  oh

[Guild][Proudleslie]  about what?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I’ll bite my tongue

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Thank you, Warchief.  I promise you won’t regret this.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  We’ll just have to make sure nobody slips up and gives away who’s actually in the guild

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  most people have been getting pretty good about rl stuff

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Probably me.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  lol

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Yeah

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, well, hopefully we’ll get something useful out of this

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Meanwhile, let me get back to leveling

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  i should get going actually.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  see everyone soon.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  bye prof

[ProfHubert | Faranell] has logged off.

[Guild][Proudleslie]  bye profhubert

[Guild][Proudleslie]  bah too slow

[Guild][Proudleslie]  oh hey

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] ?

[Guild][Proudleslie]  since most of the officers are on, could i get a guild invite for my bf?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You’re not going to be cybering him in guild chat, are you?

[Guild][Proudleslie]  omg

[Guild][Proudleslie]  i’m so so so embarrassed about that

[Guild][Proudleslie]  i’m so sorry, it wont happen again i promise

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Also, she has a boyfriend now?  Since when?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Beats me.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  And who is it?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  I don’t really keep up with celebrity gossip.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Working on it…

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, sure, Leslie, just as soon as I’m out of combat here

[Guild][Proudleslie]  ok

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  it’s ok, leslie, i’ll get him, just whisper me the name?

[Guild][Proudleslie]  ok!  ty

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Hmm, well this is interesting…

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  What?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I’m trying not to press for too much information, obviously…

[HonaleePuff] has joined the guild.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Welcome!

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  One moment.

[Guild][Proudleslie]  hi sweetie!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  welcome puff

[Guild][HonaleePuff]  THANKS EVERYONE

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  whoa don’t yell!

[Guild][HonaleePuff]  WHAT?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Oh good, he’s a caps-talker to boot.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  people still do that?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  the caps, it’s like you’re yelling

[Guild][Proudleslie]  thats just his deep sexy booming voice heehee

[Guild][HonaleePuff]  LOL

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Ugh, you weren’t kidding about this wombat thing

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  The damn thing’s killed me twice now

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  see I told you

[Guild][Proudleslie]  omg i hated that thing

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Did we ever find out who this guy is, by the way?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I have a strong suspicion based on what she’s told me…

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Would you like a hand, sir?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  That would be great, thanks

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Happy to be of help!  Send me an invite?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Incoming

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  And that would be…?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Got it!  I’ll be there in just a moment.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I’m pretty sure that he’s Kalecgos.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  whoa

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  ok everyone, I need to go for a while

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Wait, you mean the Aspect of Magic Kalecgos?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Well, not anymore

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Farewell!

[Guild][Proudleslie]  bye gayle

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Well yeah, but he was.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  for like ten minutes

[Guild][HonaleePuff]  BYE

[Garona | Nightengayle] has logged off.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So wait…how sure are you about this?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Quite sure, actually.  Based on what she’s said, and a few bits and pieces I’ve picked up from my own sources.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Huh

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Well, that settles it

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  what?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  She’s officially run out of mammals

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  haha

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  -Sigh-

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Oh yikes, yeah, I didn’t think of that.  I didn’t know Jaina was a scaley…

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Well you kind of had to figure nothing was off the table with her

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Ugh scalies creep me out.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh, like you wouldn’t do Alexstrasza if you had the chance

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Who could blame him, really?  I wish I had her body.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  You kind of do.  Like, exactly.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Thank you, Mokvar…I think.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Just don’t start going all Bragor on her now, Mokvar

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Okay, here I am!

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Hang on

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  -Shudder-

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Don’t remind me.  I’ve been starting to wear parkas during his shifts…

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Uh, dude…

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Yes? Is something wrong, sir?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  What’s up with your toon?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  What about it?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  It’s kind of a girl

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Don’t know if you’ve noticed

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Um, yes, I know, sir… Is that a problem?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So…you play a female toon?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Yes…?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  To be fair, he IS a blood elf.  He pretty much plays a female toon in RL too…

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  …

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay, dude, fine, whatever works for you

[Guild][Proudleslie]  thats actually pretty smart

[Guild][Proudleslie]  you would be AMAZED how willing guys are to help when you have a female avatar

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  That’s actually quite true…

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay, well whatever, let’s just kill this damn wombat

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Also to be fair, whose ass would YOU rather look at for 60 levels?

[Guild][Proudleslie]  haha well if you’re asking ME…

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Too…many…jokes…

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Heh.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  -Sigh- again.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  There we go!

[Guild][Lorthemar]  See, pretty painless with the two of us.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Thanks, man

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  or…whatever

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Any time, sir.

[Guild][HonaleePuff]  OUCH

[Guild][Proudleslie]  omg sweetie what killed you?

[Guild][HonaleePuff]  SOME PACK OF DOGS

[Guild][HonaleePuff]  THYE JUST FLATTENED ME

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  ohhhh the dingoes got you

[Guild][Proudleslie]  omg dingoes ate my baby!

[Guild][Proudleslie]  its ok i can rez you

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  So Leslie, I’m curious, how long have you and Puff been together?

[Guild][HonaleePuff]  NOT VERY LONG REALLY

[Guild][Proudleslie]  nope not long at all

[Guild][Proudleslie]  we only got together this past week

[Guild][Proudleslie]  but it feels like we’ve know each other for ages

[Guild][HonaleePuff]  : )

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oh, well congratulations to you both, then.  I hope you’ll be very happy.

[Guild][Proudleslie]  ty

[Guild][Proudleslie]  its just funny too, b/c just a couple weeks ago i was talking to my friend

[Guild][Proudleslie]  and he just got married not too long ago

[Guild][Proudleslie]  and he was telling me how life would be much better if i found someone to share it with

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Gee, I wonder who THAT could be

[Guild][Proudleslie]  and a few days later here he was!

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  That’s very sweet indeed.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  And not at all contrived in its timing.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Also, seriously, Thrall’s spending his time now dropping by to tell Jaina she needs to get herself a man?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Or, I guess, to narrow it down to one and settle down?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Watch, he’s become one of those people who get married and then feel like everybody else needs to get married too.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  You know, misery loves company.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  haha

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  No no, I’ll tell you exactly what that is

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Thrall’s been dropping by to hang out with Jaina

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Only now, he’s got a wife pulling him aside when he gets home, like, “So hey, what exactly is the deal with the blonde chick you’re spending all this time with?”

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  “Who I was hearing things about, like, all the way out in Nagrand”

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  haha

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  And so I’ll bet you anything, Thrall was like, “Okay, I have to get this chick hooked up so the missus gets off my ass”

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Heh, yeah, wife aggro.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  And seriously

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  If he didn’t want wife aggro, I mean, come on

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  He fucking married a woman NAMED Aggro, pretty much

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  aggra aggro?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Hah

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Anyway

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I need to get going

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Have a meeting with Malkorok

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Have to run for a while, guys

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Have fun

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Oh joy…

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  later boss

[Guild][Proudleslie]  bye pwn

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Take care, sir.

You have logged off.

Good news and really, really bad news

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 29, 2011 by Garrosh Hellscream

magatha3

First the good news.

I just checked in with Krog and Draz’Zilb at Brackenwall Village, and things seem to be lining up on a couple fronts.  For one, everything we learned from Skarr seems to check out.  Draz’Zilb seems pretty knowledgeable on this kind of creepy black magic type stuff, and according to him it would make sense that C’thun’s chamber in Ahn’Qiraj would be an ideal place to pull off a resurrection once they have the phylactery.  From what he said (if I remember this right – there was a whole lot of hocus-pocus necro-babble), since Cho’gall tried to revive C’thun in that chamber, and actually let himself become an avatar for C’thun at one point, the surrounding area should be attuned to his essence in a way that will help focus the incantation.  Apparently that’s the trade-off for this kind of ritual – restoring somebody’s spirit from a non-living vessel doesn’t take a whole lot of magical energy, but it does need something attuned to that particular spirit in order to focus the spell properly, as opposed to living vessels, which I guess actually keep the essence better preserved but require an immense amount of power to unlock.  So considering the Twilight ties in Silithus, this lines up pretty ideally for them.

Meanwhile, the misdirection operation in Dustwallow Marsh seems to be working.  Draz’Zilb has been putting on some regular pyrotechnic shows both in the village and around the general area, to make it seem like they’re up to something, and we’ve been sending out search parties of ogres and orcs alike to play up the appearance that we’ve got something brewing.  The Grimtotem seem to be taking the bait, since attacks on the village have been happening more frequently the last few days.  So far so good.

Now for the bad news.  And…yeah, I actually can’t believe this one.  I have to admit, at this point I can’t say I’m totally unaccustomed to shooting myself in the foot somehow, but OH COME ON.

So, remember a few days ago, when Garona and I met that blood elf guy at the Steam Pools resort?  Johnny Awesome?  (Yes, really.)  Yeah, and remember how he wanted to help out, and do some quests for me personally?  And how I sent him off to Thousand Needles or Tanaris to keep him busy?

Yeah, well, guess who I just heard back from.

Lakota Windsong, one of our main tauren operatives in Thousand Needles.

And guess who turned up looking to help, and got sent off on some tasks for Lakota?

Yep, you guessed it.  Johnny Awesome.

Oh, and guess who APPARENTLY was also down there in Thousand Needles, unbeknownst to anyone except for Lakota Windsong and a few others who neglected to tell ME for what reason I CANNOT FUCKING IMAGINE, and who APPARENTLY had been captured and was being held by the Twilight’s Hammer cultists down there, that is until one Johnny Awesome happened along and FUCKING HELPED HER ESCAPE and now she’s ON THE LOOSE again??

MAGATHA FUCKING GRIMTOTEM.

YEAH.  YEAH.  YOU READ THAT RIGHT.

Excuse me one second.

sdljkfygjs09eap875oyhtowi8ej7to98qw37eyhju0vg98y13ouikltyhnudfj7 shyv5f0p9q23y5ikt7q3yhno4iktlugyheq98o5gq3ui5ynq39oh867q3h40p 9tyqiuverkyhaow8l7tohqb23p89yh1p8956vq734poj985tb77potyhq89o3 275vygj8w45p90q374j5p9v82y3p5o9v8jy73p98q0jv3567qh34p9567j30 p9867p304975ujmp9oq347560q93p47jy5683456t90327j4u5v89yq30p9 57yvoq93475ypqv9375yjvp9oq8w37y5j890qv75jpq;v2yu5p9;q3847uv6m jp9q38y746p98vt7q04p87p345vty7j8934756jyp0v9q3476ypo89q347y6j t0e34y5tp9q37y4p968j7yw90pe48j7yv6098q374yj6v0p9487p7q3y4v86 7jtyq8epythiseurhgliasehrgtkjaeyhrtliuaeyrtiouyiortuyhilLIUYRIOUGF JYILTYHAEJKRGHTOEIAQYRTHVOILQWY3U5JOVQ3I8WY5ROIQ UYIOY!!!!!!!!!!!1111!!1!11!!111!!one!!!!!111!!!!!!!eleven!!!!!!!!!!!

TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-SEVEN THOUSAND GALLONS OF WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK, DUDE!!!

Oh but wait, you want details?  Sure!  Absolutely!  LET ME GIVE YOU THE FUCKING DETAILS!!!

APPARENTLY, after Magatha got her ass booted out of Thunder Bluff, she went into hiding in Thousand Needles, and when the Twilight’s Hammer started stepping up their activity there, they captured her along with a batch of others.  (NICE HOW THEY WERE ABLE TO TRACK HER DOWN RIGHT OFF LIKE THAT, HUH??  YET ANOTHER BANG-UP JOB BY MY CRACK TEAM!)  So when Lakota sent Johnny Awesome around to help clean up the Grimtotem mess down there, Magatha started sending messages to the stupid elf to get him to release her pet wind serpent Arikara.  Along the way Johnny Awesome also killed Arnak Grimtotem and Isha Gloomaxe, so okay, good news there, since that takes out the braintrust that had been coordinating all the ogre business in Feralas and Dustwallow, but whatever, because along the way, Johnny Awesome ALSO managed to round up a batch of ancient tauren relics – the Writ of History, the Rattle of Bones, and the Drums of War – and ended up fucking handing them OVER to Magatha.

Because, get this, after he’d done all this good work killing off these high-ranking Grimtotem, Johnny Awesome got sent to the Twilight outpost to check up on Magatha…and not only does he fucking HAND OVER THESE RELICS, but he goes out and acquires ANOTHER powerful artifact called the Doomstone…which he ALSO fucking HANDS OVER TO MAGATHA…and THEN, just to finish up, HE FUCKING FREES HER FROM THE TWILIGHTS AND LETS HER SKIP OFF ON HER MERRY FUCKING WAY!!!

I…

It…

He…

SLDKGJSHFGKJSHFGKUSDFJHGKLJSDFHGNKLSJDHFGKSJDH FGKUJSFGHKSERHTGLIKUHTGLISERHGJK,LDLIUGBYHSGITYH EIRGTHLERHGTLIEAHGLJKSADEHGLJKAEHGLJSERGLSELIGU HSGRHSERGHERGH

[Insert vocabulary failure here.]

So, yeah.  Before I forget:

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO ALL LOYAL CITIZENS OF THE HORDE, FROM YOUR WARCHIEF:  Effective immediately, THERE WILL BE A REWARD OF TEN THOUSAND OF ONE MILLION OF MORE THAN YOU CAN POSSIBLY COUNT TO BE PAID TO WHOEVER DELIVERS TO GROMMASH HOLD THE MUTILATED (but identifiable) CORPSE OF ONE JOHNNY AWESOME.

(Additional note to Wega and/or Uukra: If it’s you, there might be a dinner date in it for you.  Consider it your incentive.)

THAT IS ALL.

P.S.:  The FUCK!!  AAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Monday mailbag

Posted in Mailbag with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 24, 2011 by Garrosh Hellscream

Hey guys, I just got in from EarthCon, which let me tell you was a blast.  They announced the next expansion, where they’re adding a new continent to the game, although there was a lot of nerdraging over it.  Turns out the new continent had been mentioned in the game before, but just as a running joke, so now some people are like, “Seriously? They’re actually going to do a whole expansion about Australians?”

I can’t say I totally disagree with them, to be honest.  I mean I love this game, but they showed some concept art for some of the new mobs there, one creature called a Platypus and one called a Wombat, and really, dude, they’re not even fucking trying anymore.  There was also one called a Kangaroo, and if nothing else I guess now we know what that murloc must have fucked to spawn the first gorloc.  So good job there I guess.

Anyway, I’m pretty wiped out so I’m just going to do a couple quick letters this week.

 

Dear Warchief,

You told my wife that “Hellscream’s eyes were upon her” and now she won’t…you know…with me.  Could you please tell her that you meant it metaphorically?  Thanks.

–Very Frustrated

Meta what?  Oh wait, you mean metamorphosis?  Because no, here’s the thing, yeah, the warlock I have assigned to your wife is demonology, but he doesn’t actually have to go into demon form to use his Eye of Kilrogg.  So I think you might be going for overkill there.

Still, sorry your wife is holding out on you these days.  Especially what with that thing she does with her tongue.

 

Hey mon,

Horde > Twilight’s Hammer!  Remember the Wrathgate!

–Bob, Echo Isles

Dude, seriously, you picked the wrong guy to try to slip a Wrathgate reference past.  You know I was actually in COMMAND up in Northrend for like two years, right?  And hate to break it to you, but we weren’t fighting the Twilight’s Hammer at the Wrathgate.  There were no Twilight’s Hammer anywhere NEARBY.  It was all Scourge and Alliance and that nutjob undead Putress group that tried to overthrow Sylvanas.

Look, I’m all for talking smack (by the by, fuck you, Varian), but if you’re going to trash talk over major events would it KILL you to do your fucking homework?

 

Hi Warchief,

I was just questing in the Barrens and something occurred to me.  Right now after years of adventuring I’m powerful enough that the enemies in the Barrens aren’t much of a threat, so I tear through them fast.  But that got me wondering, since the Horde obviously has lots of very powerful warriors, why don’t you just send some of them to the lower level zones to handle the problems there?  The quest givers in those areas act like the enemies are posing a threat but your garden variety soldier in Twilight Highlands could take them all on at once no problem.

–Malkar, Orgrimmar

First of all, nice job with the cool little AA internal rhyme scheme with your signature there, Malkar.

As for your question…I’m going to let you in on a little secret.  I didn’t even know about this myself until I became Warchief, although once I did find out, it made all kinds of sense.

Like you said, Malkar, if you’ve spent any time at all traveling around Horde territories, you’ve noticed that everywhere you go, it seems like there are Horde agents looking for help with all sorts of odds and ends.  Sometimes they need enemies slain.  Sometimes there’s an animal population that needs to be thinned out.  Sometimes there are supplies or resources to be gathered up.  Sometimes there’s a delivery that needs to be made.  And so on.  And so there’s always a demand for helpful citizens to step up and get the job done.

But…these odds jobs really don’t make a whole lot of sense.  Because you’re right, the baddies you’re getting called upon to fight really aren’t anything that couldn’t be handled easily enough by anyone who’s ever set foot in Northrend.  Or hey, let’s forget about the fighting, even.  That delivery you were just asked to make?  The package from Desolace that needed to be dropped off in Feralas?  Well…you know they DO have MAIL DELIVERY in Feralas, right?  Hold on, let me double check.

Yep.  Look at that.  They have mail delivery.  Oh wait, let’s be totally sure, do they have mailboxes in Desolace?

Well I’ll be damned, they do.  Which begs the question, WHY CAN’T THEY DROP THEIR DAMN PACKAGE IN THE FUCKING MAILBOX THAT’S TEN FUCKING FEET AWAY FROM THEM?

Erm, okay, I shouldn’t let that get me yelling since I already know the answer.

Here’s the thing.  If you go to a lot of Horde territories, you’ll find the place practically swarming with bunches of wannabe adventurers looking for ways to help.  And don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the thought, but like…they’re not very good.  Half the time they don’t know where they’re going even when they have a fucking map right in their pocket, and they don’t even know how to use the abilities they were just trained in an hour ago, and holy shit they die easy.  Like for instance, I know from Dark Cleric Cecille that a lot of aspiring Forsaken adventurers grew up in total dread of this one Son of Arugal who used to wander around in Silverpine Forest.  He’d lay waste to them.  People would yell out warnings like “OMG SON OF ARUGAL RUN!!” and need to round up two or three friends to even try to take him out.  A Son of fucking Arugal.  Do you know how easy it is to kill a Son of Arugal?  Every time I sneeze, I kill three of them, and I’m not even on the same fucking continent.  And these nubs are dying to one by the bushel.

And yet, these scrubs are hell-bent on helping the cause.  And they’re like ants.  There’s hundreds of them, everywhere, and no matter what you do, you can’t get rid of them.  And yet they’re running around trying to help, and biting off more than they can chew, and then we have to send people to go rescue them or at least collect their remains, or even if they don’t go get themselves in trouble they’re just hanging around distracting our more experienced soldiers from more important matters.

So way before I even showed up here, the higher-ups in the Horde worked out a way to deal with this.  They assigned people to all the Horde zones whose job was…basically…to come up with ways to keep these noobs busy.  Anything to keep them occupied.  Go kill some boars.  Deliver this package to the next town over.  See those shiny rocks just outside of town?  Go gather up about fifty for me.  See this guy standing right next to me?  Talk to him.  Tell him I said hi.  Let him know I sent you.  He’ll never see it coming.

Just play it up and make it sound important, they’ll feel like they’re contributing, they’ll stay out of trouble, and we’ll be fine.  And meanwhile we can maybe get a few odd jobs taken care of while we’re at it.  And maybe, every once in a while, we’ll uncover a diamond in the rough who’s actually up to the task for some missions we really need done.

 

That’s it for now.  As always, send your letters and questions to garrosh1337@gmail.com.  See you guys soon, I’m gonna crash.

It must be hard getting old…

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 18, 2011 by Garrosh Hellscream

nagrand4

Yesterday was Greatmother Geyah’s birthday, so I made a short trip back to Nagrand to go see her.  The folks back in Garadar were giving her a birthday party, and it was good to see everybody, other than Greatmother feeling the need (yet again) to tell everyone the story about the time when I was a little kid when I was climbing a tree, and got up to one of the higher branches but slipped, but my pants got caught on the branch while I was starting to fall, and as I fell the pants got yanked down around my ankles, and so I was just hanging upside down there with my pants around my ankles and the branch hooked between my feet, and I was just stuck dangling there for a while, and, commando even then, so, you know.  She always tells that story every chance she gets, because spirits forbid you let the fucking Warchief be taken seriously for a couple minutes.  But she means well, and she’s getting up there and probably a little senile, so whatever.

Anyway, while I was out there, I decided to drop by a few of my old hunting spots for old time’s sake.  I was going to bring Hemet Nesingwary along with me, but he was having a good old time messing with some random scrubs who were hanging around out there – people keep coming to him wanting to prove what great outdoorsmen they are, and so he just makes up random stuff to have them go kill and see how quick they eat up the chance to waste their time on pointless shit.  Like seriously, you should see how many people just jump at the chance to burn up their whole day killing random animals that absolutely anyone with a sword could kill, because they actually believe that killing a bunch of talbuk that are standing around RIGHT THERE is the way to impress Hemet Fucking Nesingwary.

(That’s his real middle name, by the way.  Man, his parents must have hated him.  Can you imagine what middle school must have been like?)

At one point a couple years ago I think people started getting wise to the scam, so he had to dial it down a little and ask them to kill less stuff.  Seriously, there was a point when he would send people all over the place killing 30 of like…everything out there.  After a while he cut that down to like a dozen, just to make sure he didn’t totally lose his supply of takers.  Still, it’s pretty funny to watch the fuckers eat it up even now.

So anyway, he was busy with that, so I just went out to Oshu’gun myself to see if Banthar was still wandering around.  It didn’t take long to find her, but what the FUCK, man, I almost missed her what with the fucking DYE job she got apparently.  Because like…okay, check it out.  Back in the day, when I remember coming out here, this is what Banthar looked like:

And here’s what she looks like nowadays:

I mean, that’s just sad.  It’s bad enough when an orc starts go gray, and freaks out, and goes way overboard dyeing his hair that pitch pitch black, that shade of black that doesn’t even fucking exist in nature, and half the time they try to do the pathetic comb-over too, which let me tell you, looks sad enough on humans but is even less kind with orc hairlines.  But seriously, now we’ve got a CLEFTHOOF going through midlife crisis and dyeing herself auburn?  How fucking sad is that?  What’s she going to do next, start riding around in a convertible wagon and hitting on clefthoofs half her age?  Plus, how the fuck did she even manage to dye herself brown anyway?!  If I go over to Sunspring Lake, are there going to be all these floating dye circles and stains around the shore?  I can just imagine one of the ethereals over at Aeris Landing seeing this going down and being all, “Hey, Chip, check this out, you’re not going to believe this shit…”

Really, if a fucking clefthoof can’t age with dignity, what chance do the rest of us have?

 

 

[Header image provided by Angelya from Revive and Rejuvenate, used here with permission and many thanks.]

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