Mutiny!

Since we finished with Shan Kien a few days ago, I’ve been back at Domination Point, partly checking in on things there with Warlord Bloodhilt and General Nazgrim, and partly giving myself a break from Baine and Lor’themotherfucker.  Maybe if I leave them alone with each other, they’ll have no option but to bitch and moan at each other until one of them reaches bitch-and-moan critical mass and spontaneously combusts.  Not likely, I know, but it’s a little dream I have.

As part of my much-needed recuperation time, I finally managed to get Earth Online set up on my computer here.  The internet here at the base is still kind of spotty – I’ve been having to pick my spots as far as when I can blog for the entire time I’ve been here – but Grizzle Gearslip tells me the connection should be stable enough now that I shouldn’t have any trouble getting some gaming in.

 

You have logged on.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  what about blurry vision?  slurred speech?

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  oh hey

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well well, look who we have here!

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  no

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  it’s probably not one of ours, then.

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  I hope you feel better, ji

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Hey people

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  You sense of humor is, as always, most amusing, Doctor.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  anyway, does anyone have a level 30 something they’d like to team up with?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  But you should be wary of making such jokes, as they may only encourage some to believe we’re actually pursuing such untoward efforts as the creation of plague.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  actually never mind, i should probably get going

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  see you later, ji

[EdwardBear | Ji] has logged off.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  yeah, i can’t imagine where anyone would get that idea about us.

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  has garona gotten there yet?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Huh this is weird…

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  What is, Warchief?

You have been disconnected.

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You have logged on.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  do you think he got mad and logged?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  oh hey, Garrosh

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  welcome back.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well, I suppose we’ll see presently, won’t we.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Ugh

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Thanks, Doc

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  did you see my tell?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Is everything all right, Garrosh?

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  Yeah

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  I just didn’t get a chance to answer

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I think so

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  what happened?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I’m not sure, my connection just went out on me

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well, hopefully it was an isolated hiccup and won’t continue causing you problems.

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  But no, she didn’t get here yet

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  ah ok

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, hopefully

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  Why?

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  just curious

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So anyway, as I was saying

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You have logged on.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  thanks baddie

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  You two are well, I hope.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  PRETTY GOOD THANKS

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  re-wb

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  And back again.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  hi pwn

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  same problem, boss?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  havent seen u in a while

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Pretty much

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Just getting knocked offline randomly

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Quite frustrating, I’m sure.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, I’ve been traveling for work, so I haven’t been able to log on until now

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  what kind of internet connection do you have there?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  yea i know how that goes

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  i’ve been having to travel around some for work too

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  If you’re looking for something more specific than “apparently a bad one,” you’re talking to the wrong guy

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  hmm

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So anyway

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  How interesting, Leslie.  Anything specific you’re working on these days?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Did they change something in the guild management panel?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I’m sure the details would be fascinating.

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  at the bottom of your UI, mouse over the icon that looks like a little planet

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  that will show your network info

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Not that I’m aware of.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Why do you ask?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  lol your always so interested in my work

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  oh boy…

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  Okay, I’ve got it

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I’m just curious about people’s professional experiences.  ^_^

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I’m showing a lot fewer guild management options than I used to

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So I’m wondering if they changed something

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  ok, at the very bottom of that info box there should be a string of numbers and letters

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  lol well theres alot going on here but alot of it i cant really talk about

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  copy that to me

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well, no.  Perhaps you should peruse the guild roster a moment.

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  Hmm, okay…give me a minute…

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  here we go…

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oh but those are the most interesting ones to chat about under the anonymity afforded by the internet.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  well, you’ve established you work in Dalaran.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  well yes

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Hang on, I’m juggling a couple things

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  if it involves magic research i could probably save you some time finding the tomes you need.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  HOW DO YOU FIGURE

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  THX1138-NCC1701-PU36

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  oh man

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  well, based on our conversation the other day, I probably know your libraries a bit better than you.

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  who set up your connection down there?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  your serious

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  my serious what?

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  Grizzle Gearslip

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  Why?  How bad is it?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  no, ‘your serious’ is a question

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay, guild roster

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  no, “you’re serious?” is a question.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  “your serious” is an incomplete noun phrase.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Um.

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  ugh… he’s good with mining and construction

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  …

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Just exactly

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  WHAT

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  THE FUCK

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  IS THIS?

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  but for networking he might as well be trying to put something together with one of those electronics kits from the wonderworks

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  if you don’t want my help, you can just say no.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  What is what, pray tell?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL WHAT

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  HOW exactly is it showing SYLVANAS as guild leader???

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  hoo boy…

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well, there *are* in-game mechanisms for such things.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  When the current leader is offline for a prolonged period.  ^_^

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You fucking OVERTHREW me?!?!

You have been disconnected.

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You have logged on.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  I don’t think he would jsut rage quit

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Ah, here he is.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  wb pwn

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  looks like you’re having connection trouble

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay so AS I WAS SAYING

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You OVERTHREW me??!

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  can’t say I’m surprised you’re having trouble staying on

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You could say that, yeah

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  ^_^

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  So…it’s bad.

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  let me put it this way

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  And hey, hold on, she couldn’t even have DONE this without another officer, so that means either you or Mokvar, Spazzle

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  congratulations, the base hasn’t burned down yet

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  um, well…

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  What’s going on with Mokvar now, anyway?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  It’s funny you should ask, Warchief.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  so yeah staying on topic

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  I was the one who signed off on the dethrone

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I…see

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]:  Fucking hell is THIS what you were talking about???

[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered:  um, what?

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]:  With the “they’re going to turn against you” cryptic bullshit

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  well to be fair, boss, you’d been away for a while and there was no telling when you’d be able to get on again

[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered:  you realize that was another version of me whose memories i don’t share, right?

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]:  UGH FUCKING TIME TRAVEL

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  and your connection right now isn’t exactly helping

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah yeah whatever

[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered:  fucking time travel indeed.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You people have had your fun, now reinstall me before I get on a boat headed north

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oh, very well, Warchief.  If you insist.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I seriously don’t know what the fuck is wrong with people, I look away for a minute and everything turns into a fucking cartoon

[Lorthemar] has logged on.

[Lorthemar] has been promoted to Guild Leader.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  …

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oops.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  YOU’RE FUCKING RIGHT OOPS

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  grats lorthemar!

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  oh this should be good.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  That honestly was a legitimate mistake.  Albeit a funny one.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Oh…wow…really?

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  CONGRATS ON THE PROMOTION LOR

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I was about to click on you to promote you when Lor’themar logged on.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  i will bet you any amount of money you’re not the only person saying “wow, really?” right now.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  And, well, his character name is right ahead of yours alphabetically.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  So…he bumped you down one spot on the guild list, and…

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Well…thank you, guildmates!

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  are you seeing this, lor?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  This is truly an unexpected honor

[Guild][Lorthemar]  But one for which I shall endeavor to prove my worthiness!

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  yay lor!

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I really don’t know what else to say!

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  i know you’ll make a good guild leader =)

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Thank you!

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  guess not

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  He probably doesn’t realize he has to turn on officer chat.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay so seriously

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Oh, hello, Omgipwnedurface.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  yeah probably

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, hello

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So before you get speechifying again, Livindead just made a mistake handing you the reins

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So before you get too excited

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  oh yikes

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Hand them back over

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Oh.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Well, I suppose LivinDeadGrl DOES have more experience as an officer.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  NOT TO HER YOU FUCKING WASTE OF SPACE

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  PROMOTE -ME-

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Fine, fine, let me find where the command is…

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  does anyone know if there’s a popcorn vendor anywhere in game?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Well FIND IT FAST LORI

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  WHILE YOU STILL HAVE ONE EYE TO LOOK WITH

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I’m working on it, calm down…

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  what are u looking for sweetie?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh fuck you, Hair-Care

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Huh.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  WHAT? I’M NOT LOOKING FOR ANYTHING

[Guild][Lorthemar]  You know what?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  oops sorry, that was pwn

[Guild][Lorthemar]  No.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Fuck YOU.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  i thought it was u typing there

You have been kicked out of the guild.

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  jkhfgkjshgfkjysdgkfiuhsdfjkghskgf

You whispered to [Lorthemar]:  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  I know, I know

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] whispered:  My apologies, Warchief.

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] whispered:  I’m trying to calm Lor’themar down now.

[Lorthemar] whispered:  Fuck you, Garrosh

[Proudleslie | Jaina] whispered:  omg what happened?

You whispered to [Lorthemar]:  Oh you REALLY want to die, don’t you

[Lorthemar] is ignoring you.

You whispered to [LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]:  Well now he’s ignoring me

You whispered to [LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]:  So you can tell him to stop being such a tempermental baby while you’re at it

You whispered to [Proudleslie | Jaina]:  Don’t even get me started

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] whispered:  Of course, sir.

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  yeah, he’s pretty upset

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  I don’t know what we’re going to do about GL, but I can invite you back to the guild at least

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  Oh gee thanks

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  I don’t fucking believe this shit

You have been invited to join the guild <Warchief>.

You have joined the guild <Warchief>.

You have been promoted to the rank Recruit.

You have been promoted to the rank Member.

You have been promoted to the rank Officer.

You have been disconnected.

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You have logged on.

[Officer][Lorthemar]  Well that’s just too bad, now isn’t it?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Lor’themar, I understand, but please try to be prudent at least.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  FUCKING HELL

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  wow this is a really bad day for pwn

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  welcome back, boss

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  UGH this is infuriating

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Actually, while we’re inviting, let me bring a friend in as well, if nobody minds.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  sure

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Between the disconnections and Ponytail here all I need is a pickle for the crap sandwich that is my day

[Bob] has joined the guild.

[Bob] has been promoted to the rank Recruit.

[Bob] has been promoted to the rank Member.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  hi bob!

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  WELCOME

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Greetings, Bob!  As Guild Leader, let me welcome you to the guild!

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I’m sure you’ll feel right at home with the <Warchief> tag below your name.

[Guild][Bob]  Tanks, mon!  It’s good ta be here!

[Guild][Bob]  I be lookin’ forward to goin’ on epic missions with lots a ya!

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  This guy seems familiar

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  OH SHIT

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  ^_^

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So…you play EO too, huh?

[Guild][Bob]  Hey, mon!  Do I know ya?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  sigh

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I’ll get you all for this

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  No

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  um

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Nice to meet you

[Guild][Bob]  Good ta meet ya too, OmgipwneduMon!

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  But for now… I’m going to log off before this vein in my forehead bursts

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  quick recommendation, boss?

You whispered to [LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]:  You GET his ass in line, you understand me?

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] whispered:  Of course, dear Warchief.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  next time you log on, if you think you smell burning hair, turn off your computer

[Guild][Bob]  So I got a question if anybody knows.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Fine

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  For the duration, Lor’themar, you might want to change the GL title from what I’d set it as.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Taking off now

[Guild][Bob]  If da Lich King’s horse be Invincible, how come I could see it?

[Officer][Lorthemar]  What’s the title now?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  “Queen.”

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  no no, thats invisible

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  oh man, good thing Garrosh is leaving

You have logged off.

A public service announcement

Greetings, random internet surfer.

Welcome to the Warchief’s Command Board.  Depending on how you found your way here, you may or may not know what this site actually is.  If you don’t, allow me to illuminate.  What you see before you is the personal blog of Garrosh Hellscream, Warchief of the Horde.

No, seriously.  No joke.  This is really Garrosh.  [OOC disclaimer from our legal department: This isn’t really Garrosh.]

If this sounds like something that might interest you, perhaps you’d care to peruse the blog to learn a bit more about it and what kinds of adventures I’ve been detailing thus far.  But I’d like to take a moment here to speak to those of you who already suspect that this site isn’t quite what you had set out looking for.

Greetings again, my good internet denizens.

From your arrival here, I gather that you too are a fan of the Google search engine.  I can’t say I blame you.  I know I’ve found many lemon square recipes that I never would have known about (though admittedly still no match for Greatmother’s) courtesy of the good people at Google.

I’m also happy to have new potential readers find their way here, regardless of how.  So welcome, one and all.

With that said, I suppose I may want to address the concerns that some of you may be feeling at this point.  And yes, I’m afraid you may be in for no small amount of disappointment, my friends.  I regret to inform you that the odds are great that you will not find the true object of your search here.

Because, you see, while I am certainly no friend of Jaina Proudmoore, and while you’ll find no shortage of mockery and outright hostility directed at her from me here, I’m afraid that nowhere in these pages will you find visual evidence of her engaged in carnal acts with livestock.  No cows.  No goats.  Not even a piddling little barnyard dog.

Yes, I know.  In this shameful instance, the Google machine appears to have lied to you.  I am as shocked and dismayed by this as you are.

Likewise, you will not find anything here that you might file under “Jaina Proudmoore captured xxx,” much to the chagrin of at least three of you.  I would of course be only too happy to report the capture of an enemy of the Horde such as Jaina, but I fear that the “xxx” on the end of the search string adds a further wrinkle which renders the already-unlikely scenario much more far-fetched.

Well, okay.  Somewhat more far-fetched.  This is Jaina we’re talking about.  But I digress.

While we’re on the subject, you’re also not going to find “Jaina Proudmoore and Varian porn,” “Jaina and Tyrande porn,” “Jaina Proudmoore Muradin porn” or – despite its rampant popularity – “Jaina Proudmoore and Sylvanas porn.”  Speaking of which, let’s just extend the whole blanket “nope” to any comparable permutations involving Sylvanas.  No Argent Confessor Paletress.  No Liadrin.  No High Inquisitor Whitemane.  No Shademaster Kiryn.  Not gonna happen, people.  Trust me.  I’ve floated a couple of those by her more than once myself.  She’s not biting.  Let it go.

Moreover, whoever among you came here looking for “Jaina Proudmoore climbing pole to victory porn drawing” (yes, really), “pandaren fucked by brown virmen” (yes, really), “broken blood elf statue with vagina showing” (yes, really), “Grimtotem fucking with Mankrik’s wife while Mankrik sees it” (yes, really)…I honestly don’t know what to say to any of you.  Other than perhaps having to offer you some begrudging respect for knowing exactly what you want in your lives.  Horrifying and sad though they may be.

But alas, your simple albeit distressingly specific wishes will not be fulfilled here.  Once again, the perfidious Google machine makes fools of us all.

And whichever one of you found your way here in search of “King Varian Wrynn gets a little diplomatic with Aggra’s butt porn” – and yes, one of you did (you know who are you are) – I can only shake my head sadly and mourn whatever tragedy befell you in childhood.  I would also suggest securing your home, as I suspect there’s at least a passing chance Thrall may be on his way over as we speak.

And, further, nowhere on this blog will you find anything that might be described as “Varian Wrynn raped by devilsaur,” although, let me assure you, language cannot express the delight with which I would provide you with such documentation if I could.

Indeed, the only fleeting glimmer of hope I can offer amid this endless parade of sadness would be whoever came to the blog searching for “man what the f happened Horde” – a sentiment with which I can certainly sympathize, and which I have likely expressed in my posts here on more occasions than one.  Sadly, though, it is a question for which I can offer you no answers, my friend.  I wish I knew what the f happened.  I truly, truly do.

For those among you who are regular readers of this blog, and who might hasten to point out that this very post may well exacerbate this Google hit issue by providing additional suspect phrases for the search engine to latch onto, let me reassure you that I am only too aware of this possibility.  And to any such Google users who do indeed find their way here as a result, I will only say:

Greetings, random internet surfer.  Welcome to the Warchief’s Command Board.  I would tell you that you will leave this site empty-handed, but I suppose that partly depends on how you arrived.

 

Finally, if I might add a closing postscript: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU FUCKING PEOPLE?!?!!

Ugh.

UGH.

MOVING ON.

Spazzle Speaks: Tell Hell

You have logged on.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  i’m pretty sure ur wrong

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  hi mrbad

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] I’LL GO GET MY COPY SO WE CAN CHECK

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  i’m quite sure i’m not.

[Guild][Lor’themar]  Greetings, MrBadcrumble!

You whispered to [EdwardBear | Ji]:  hey ji – you feeling ok?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  no sweetie u dont have to

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  hi MBC

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Ah, Spazzle, I’m glad to see you on.  I’d like to discuss something with you when you have a free moment.

[EdwardBear | Ji] whispered:  yes, i think i’ll be ok

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  hey everyone

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered:  have you heard anything about mokvar?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  ugh well now hes flown off

You whispered to [Nightengayle | Garona]:  not a thing

[EdwardBear | Ji] whispered:  just a little sore.

You whispered to [Nightengayle | Garona]:  why?  is there news?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  sure

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  oh hi baddie i didnt see u come on

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  do we have more IPs to trace or something?

You whispered to [EdwardBear | Ji]:  well that’s good

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  No no, nothing quite so technical.

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered:  not that I know of

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  how’s it going, leslie?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  not bad

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  huh, really?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  same ol same ol really

You whispered to [EdwardBear | Ji]:  well if you need anything let me know

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  You sound surprised.

[LamontCranston] whispered:  Hi there.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  well, after a while you kind of get used to it when people only want to talk to you because they can’t get their printer to work

You whispered to [LamontCranston]  hi

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  OK HERE WE GO

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  SHERMAN’S CODEX RIGHT?

You whispered to [Nightengayle | Garona]:  at this point I don’t think anything would surprise me, though

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  True… I suppose it comes with being one of the few tech literates in the cohort.

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered:  I know, right?

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  what are you guys doing?

[LamontCranston] whispered:  Are you busy?

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  volume 2, yes.

You whispered to [Nightengayle | Garona]:  honestly I don’t understand what Mokvar could be thinking

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  THERES A VOLUME 2?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  you get used it mostly

You whispered to [LamontCranston]:  a little

You whispered to [LamontCranston]:  were you interested in the guild?

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered:  that’s the thing, though

[EdwardBear | Ji] whispered:  thanks, i will

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  sorry if I’m slow

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  prof here is trying to tell me there’s teleportation magic that would let someone blink all the way to other worlds

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  trying to juggle a bunch of tells

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oh I can sympathize.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  not that there ARE such spells, just that there’s a theoretical basis for them being possible, based on the distorted curvature of space surrounding high velocity blinking.

You whispered to [Nightengayle | Garona]:  what is?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  and now we’re going to look it up and prove him wrong

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I’m fielding quite a few myself.  Mostly from Lor’themar…I could swear, no sooner do I click back over to officer chat than his whisper tab lights up again.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  what’s going on?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  once we get volume 2…

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  it should be on the shelf below where you got that one.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Something or other with Garrosh and his demands.  I’m not sure exactly.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  faded, dark red cover.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  fourth book from the left.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  OK ON IT BRB

[LamontCranston] whispered:  No, Spaz, it’s me.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  how do u know that?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  don’t let me interrupt if you’re talking to him

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  i have a very good memory.

[LamontCranston] whispered:  Mokvar.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  wait, how are you not sure if he’s going on and on about it?

You whispered to [LamontCranston]:  dksjghksdyhgd

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered:  for him to do all these things he’s been doing… killing the dwarf in ironforge, the deal with magatha, everything…

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered:  KNOWING I was watching him .. and I know he knew…

[EdwardBear | Ji] has logged off.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  No, it’s fine.  I’m really just tabbing over every few lines and giving him a “right” or an “I can see how that would be frustrating” or an “I don’t blame you at all for being upset.”

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered:  he would have to be an idiot

[LamontCranston] whispered:  Now before you go tabbing over to do an IP trace, I’m routing through a proxy server to log on.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  huh

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  isn’t that kind of risky?

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered:  and if there’s one thing we both know about mokvar, its that he’s not an idiot

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  OK NOW WE’RE IN BUSINESS

You whispered to [Nightengayle | Garona]:  yeah

You whispered to [Nightengayle | Garona]:  no kidding

You whispered to [Nightengayle | Garona]:  1 sec

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  you have volume 2?

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered:  kk

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  yea

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  I mean, how do you know what he just said was about being upset and frustrated?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I’ve known Lor’themar a long time.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  now i just have to find the part about long-distance blinking

You whispered to [LamontCranston]:  hang on, since when do YOU know how to mask IPs??

You whispered to [LamontCranston]:  and are you crazy?  what the hell are you doing??

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  page 273.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  WOW REALLY?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  ok looking, hang on

[LamontCranston] whispered:  Deliana called in a couple favors to set it up.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  right-hand column.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  under the diagram.

[LamontCranston] whispered:  I just needed to get on for a minute to talk to you.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  HOW DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  like i said, i have a good memory.

You whispered to [LamontCranston]:  mokvar, you have to be careful – garona’s on and she was JUST asking about you

[LamontCranston] whispered:  I saw her on.  I whispered her with a dollar-spam ad and got her auto-ignore.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  sorry i’m going all quiet – trying to fix a bunch of things here

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  ok here we go, see it says it wouldn’t work

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  “blinking beyond azerothian gravitational bounds would prove impractical due to drag produced by the blinking subject’s carried mass.”

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  blinking beyond azerothian gravity would be impractical

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered:  hey spazzle, I know you’re probably still busy there

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Quite all right.  As it happens, Lor’themar is growing needy even by Lor’themarian standards.  I’m finding myself having to pay attention to some of his prattling.

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered:  I need to get going

You whispered to [LamontCranston]:  what are you even doing on here?

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered:  I’m leaving for pandaria in the morning and I need to finish packing

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  right.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  is he still upset?

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered:  I’ll talk to you later

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  keep reading.

[LamontCranston] whispered:  Like I said, I wanted to talk to you.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Insofar as he hasn’t spontaneously ceased to be Lor’themar, yes.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  oh

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  OH

[LamontCranston] whispered:  I only have a minute, though.

[Nightengayle | Garona] has logged off.

You whispered to [LamontCranston]:  ok…

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  “this obstacle could in theory be overcome by a dispersion of the grounding mass along the blinking vector via a highly concentrated arcane field”

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  oh…wow

[LamontCranston] whispered:  You’re on the short list of people I feel like I can trust, and like I said, I need to talk to you.

[LamontCranston] whispered:  But not here.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  which yes, we don’t know how to do yet.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  but we’re talking theory here.

[LamontCranston] whispered:  Meet me in Everlook in two days.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  that’s really impressive you knew that

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  i read a lot.

User is not logged on.

User is not logged on.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  yea but sherman’s codex volume 2?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  that would be so far down on my reading list i would probably never get to it

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  actually, I need to get off of here for a little while

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  heh, kids.  ;o)

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  I know you wanted to talk to me about something – can we catch up later?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  That’s fine.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  HEY I’M THOUSANDS OF YEARS OLD

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  If it’s easier, I can e-mail you about it as well.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  ok, sounds good

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  yes, and?

You have logged off.

Monday mailbag

Before I really get rolling with my investigations in Kun-Lai summit, I figured I’d make a pit stop and check on the mail.  Here’s what we have this time around…

 

Dear Warchief,

I haven’t had the chance to get out to Pandaria yet, but I look forward to joining the war effort soon.  In the meantime, I’m curious, what’s your take on all that Pandaren beer I’ve been hearing so much about?

–Kalaban, Undercity

Thanks for writing, Kalaban.  Gotta say, I’ve been dipping into the local panda brews quite a bit since I’ve been out here (Can you blame me?  Have you SEEN the cast of characters I’ve got surrounding me?), and they’re not bad at all.  It’s really pretty hard for me to give much more of a review than that, because if there’s one thing panda beers have going for them, it’s VARIETY.  They’ve got these lighter, thinner ones that personally I think are almost like drinking water (I’m gonna bet those are pretty popular with the blood elves), all the way up to some serious, heavy-duty, knock-you-on-your-ass brews.  Plus everything in between, including all kinds of flavor varieties.  I guess that’s what happens when half the population seems to work in the brewing industry in one way or another.

And really, quality-wise you can’t complain about any of it.  The ones that are so-so are still totally drinkable.  And the ones that are GOOD?  Man.  They make half the stuff you get during Brewfest seem like you’re drinking carbonated kodo piss.  Speaking of which, I’m almost afraid to imagine what’s going to happen when the pandas get their first look at Brewfest next year, because holy shit.

That’s the other thing you notice about the pandas, I’ve got to say.  Dipping into the beer is so much a part of their culture that you don’t even realize that almost the entire population has a constant, low-level buzz going.  And the funny thing is, yeah, sure, they enjoy drinking and all, but they manage to stay really chill about it, like you never see any angry drunks anywhere (take notes, Tirion).  But it’s also like a cultural expectation that they stay vaguely buzzed even beyond the sheer fun of knocking a few back.  Which, by the way, makes me worry about General Nazgrim going native on us – you may have noticed, dude has this nasty habit of boarding ships and then winding up smashing them to bits, and I’m thinking that trend won’t be helped if he starts getting into the habit of boozing it up to boot.  Not to mention, he’s a general and needs to stay combat-ready.  Can’t have him getting a beer belly on us.

 

Hail Mighty Warchief!

Someone is going around posting this…uhhh….manipulated image of you.  It’s a travesty and demoralizing to the horde! This cannot keep going! I find too many who are laughing at this.

The fool cryptically added FYG and sign it J. I am not sure what that means, but it can’t be nice. Fattening Your Gut? Fondly Yours Garona? (bitch!) F..ff..ffffffuucc…. ooooooh……OH. OOOOHHH! O.O

SIR, THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! I WILL HUNT DOWN THIS…THIS…LESS THAN A PEON WORTHLESS SCUM, SLIT HIS THROAT, AND MAKE A NECKLACE FROM HIS TEETH AS A GIFT TO YOU!

I WILL NOT STAND HAVING SOMEONE MAKE YOU LOOK FATTER THAN JI!

I WILL HUNT DOWN AND KILL EVERY PERSON WHO’S NAME STARTS WITH THE LETTER J STARTING WITH THAT FREAKING BLONDIE BOY JOHNNY AWESOME!

(Like the caps? Me too.)

After all the J’s are dead, their heads hanging of the gates of Ogrimmar,  and the streets flowing with their blood…can we like, go out? I think you’re so cute…even if you have a little bit of a belly. (You may want to take it easy on the pancakes and lemon squares, sir.)

Forever in my Heart,

–Tuekie, Rogue Trainee, Ogrimmar

PS: I’m older than I look. Ok?

Okay, so first of all, just so everybody knows, Tuekie here is one of the Dead Peons Society trainees that I’ve been working with the last few months, part of that whole group Gurtash is in.  She’s actually the twin sister of Ruekie, a shaman trainee I think I’ve mentioned once before.

And yes, I know.  Somebody had twins and named them Ruekie and Tuekie.  And yes, I agree.  Death is too good for some parents.  (Granted, “Ruekie” and “Tuekie” are nicknames, and their original, given names – Rue’kara and Tue’kara – are a little better, but still, come on.  You don’t give your twins names that fucking rhyme.)

Anywhow.  Tuekie here was part of the original group with her sister, but we ended up having her stay back in Orgrimmar rather than join us for the trip to Pandaria, in no small part because…yeah.  As you might have noticed…just a little tiny bit TOO fond of her mentor.  So between the fact that in Pandaria I wouldn’t have the ability to send her back to her parents at the end of the day, and the fact that, as a rogue, who KNOWS what she could get up to sneaking around all invisible and shit…yeah, better to let her stay with mom and dad.  FYI, there were a couple other trainees who ended up needing to stay back in Orgrimmar for one reason or another, so they’re still continuing their training back there while the other eight trainees are down here with me.

Oh and also, Teukie?  “I’m older than I look”?  Um, I KNOW how old you are.  You’re freaking fourteen.  I’m thirty-four, and you’re fourteen, and I haven’t hooked up with a teenager since I WAS a teenager, and the less said about that draenei girl in Nagrand the better, seeing as I don’t want Greatmother coming down here and boxing my ears.  So will you give it a rest already because it isn’t going to happen, okay?

Seriously, do other teachers have to deal with this shit?  Don’t stand so close to me.

Now as for the OTHER important part of this letter…

OMG WTF IS THAT SHIT?!?!

Okay…so…this is where I am TOTALLY on board with Teukie, because whoever is behind THAT thing…I…it…just…HOLY FUCKING HELL.  “F.Y.G.” OMG

Okay.  Okay…calming down…deep breaths…let’s look at this thing rationally.

So…we know we’re looking for someone whose name starts with a J.  (By the way, I’m not sure if Johnny Awesome is really going to be our prime suspect here, but you know what?  Go kill him anyway.  Fucker.)

Also, based on…the product…it’s probably a safe bet that this is someone who really, really doesn’t like yours truly.  So, right there, that narrows the field down A LOT, right?

Add to that the fact that that image is clearly using an Earth Online character model.  So we’re dealing with someone who probably plays EO, or at least is familiar enough with the game that they would think to dip into it for the image.

So…J’s…  Ji Firepaw couldn’t be it – yeah, he plays EO a little, but he’s pretty clueless in-game and I don’t see him being able to do that kind of image manipulation.  Jorn Skyseer at Domination Point is out – he isn’t a gamer at all, and I’ve always gotten along pretty well with him.  Jorin Deadeye?  Hmm…I don’t THINK he plays EO, but let’s maybe not cross him off the list just yet.

There have to be other options, though.  Think, Garrosh, think…someone who doesn’t like you, whose name starts with J…plays Earth Online…

Oh.

OH.

THAT FUCKING BITCH?!?!!

Ohhhhh man is she in for it.  Let’s see how funny she thinks it is when I march down there and blow up her whole damn—OH WAIT, I TOTALLY ALREADY DID.  So you know what?  If this is her idea of revenge, if the worst thing she can come up with to get back at the Horde is to doctor up some sad little picture to send around the internet, hey, knock yourself out, Jaina.  Have fun.  Pretty fucking sad, when you think of it.  Also pretty ironic that she’s making pictures of ME to put on the internet – seriously, lady, you want to go over some of the image searches for YOU that come up in my Google hits on a daily basis?

 

Dear Warchief Garrosh,

I just recently found your blog and just caught up on all of your postings. It’s been nice to see the more orcish side of such a larger than life leader. Plus, your lemon squares are truly a gift from the Light! Even though I am Forsaken, those lemon squares manage to bring life back to my taste buds.

I wanted to share a story I thought you might enjoy. I was searching for news on the events happening in Pandaria, and I came across a picture of Lor’themar Theron. I showed my husband (a blood elf paladin) the picture, and his response was “Who is the guy with the eyepatch?” I couldn’t help but laugh. Don’t tell Lor’themar, I’d hate for him to get angry at me. I’d rather not have him glaring at me when I join up with the Reliquary in Pandaria.

Fare well in Pandaria, Warchief.

–Beshara Dawnblaze, Forsaken priestess of the Shadow and Light

Thanks for writing, Beshara.  I’m not gonna lie.  I LOL’ed reading that.  I’m still kinda sitting here chortling, because…hehe…

“Who’s the guy with the eyepatch?”

“What, you mean Eyepatch?”

“That can’t really be his name, can it?  People must call him something else, right?”

“Ponytail, maybe?”

“That’s not really a name, either.”

“Hair-Care?  Cyclops?”

“I don’t think he would really answer to those, would he?”

“Well then I’m out.”

So, also, see?  SEE?  NOBODY knows the dude’s name, not even his own people.  It’s not just me, and it’s not just the Earth Online gang.  Other that Sylvanas, who seems to be able to remember him for some reason.  Maybe it’s an undead thing.  As far as those of us among the living go, though, I swear it’s like the guy has some crazy psychic field around him that makes everyone forget him as soon as they look away.

Anyway, I’ll look forward to meeting you when you get down here, Beshara.  Tell you when, when you see me in person, if you want to crack me up right out of the gate?  Just walk up and say “Eyepatch.”

 

Hey mon,

I got a surprise for ya, mon!  Dat letter ya got from Tandeleina in ya last mailbag?  She was right, mon!  I am Vol’jin!  She figured it out, mon!  I’m up an’ kickin’ an’ still on da loose!  Ya bettah watch ya back, mon, ’cause I be comin’ for ya!

–Bob, Shado-Pan Mon Echo Isles

Okay, seriously, dude, do you think I haven’t figured out your MO yet?  Come on.  This jackass keeps writing to me, and more often than not he just comes up with some crazy ridiculous bullshit to yank my chain and jerk me around.  And you know what?  I’m man enough to admit a lot of the time he’s gotten me to bite.  He’ll write some load of crap, and I’ll take the bait, and rant at him about it for a while, and meanwhile I’m sure he’s kicking back in troll-land laughing his ass off because trolls think positively EVERYTHING is fucking hilarious because felweed.

Well guess what.  You’re not getting me this time, Bobbo.  Yeah, you’re Vol’jin.  Sure you are.  Absolutely.  You somehow miraculously survived the attack in the saurok cave, and you’ve gone off in hiding to heal up, and meanwhile you’ve been putting this WHOLE GIANT CONSPIRACY together behind my back, I’m sure, and recruiting people to help you, and biding your time before The Glorious Revolution where you overthrow me or some shit.

Yeah, sure.  That’s real fucking likely.

Probably.

…

Where did I put that note from AlternateTimeline!Faranell again…?

Underground farmer’s market

While I’m waiting to hear from the Reliquary elves on their latest dig site up in Kun-Lai Summit, I decided to have a look around some of the neighboring areas.  Before I came to Pandaria, everybody seemed to be going apeshit over the crazy overflowing farmlands here, and since the Valley of the Four Winds is pretty close by, I figured I’d take a trip down there with Malkorok and the DPS trainees to check it out for myself.

It really is a nice area down there, I’ve gotta say.  Kind of reminds me of Nagrand, in fact, what with the grassy plains.  Most of the region is covered with farms, and let me tell you, the folks writing in to the mailbag WERE NOT KIDDING about the giant vegetables they’ve got going on down here.  Which would be a lot more exciting, granted, if they weren’t, y’know, frigging VEGETABLES.

At one point, I was standing in front of this gigantic carrot that was sprouting out of the ground – like, just the exposed part of the carrot was at least twice as tall as me – and I was saying to the kids how I don’t get the point of having giant-size carrots like this, unless they’ve got giant-sized rabbits to feed around here.  And yeah, I know I’ve made that joke before, but check it out – no sooner had I said that, than A GIANT-SIZED RABBIT came hopping out of a burrow and jumped us!

Now granted, it’s not like this thing was especially hard for me and the kids to kill.  (To tell the truth, the trainees mostly worked on a bunch of smaller rabbits that came bouncing on in during the fight, but hey, practice is practice.)  So, on tonight’s menu: giant roast rabbit.

You know, I think I’ve just found a reason why these giant vegetables might be a good thing after all.  Big huge vegetables = big huge herbivores = BIG HUGE MEAT.

Hmm.  I should probably rephrase that last part.  Jaina might see it and get excited.

Anyway, I figured hunting some of the smaller rabbits – which I guess aren’t quite rabbits, but something the pandas call “virmen” – might make for good practice for the trainees, so I spent a little time going into the burrows with them.  The kids are coming along…still a little klutzy, but nothing that more reps won’t fix.  Malkorok thought we were wasting our time with all the rabbit hunting, but hey, the kids have to start somewhere.

We went around the valley for a while, poking into those burrows when we found them.  Then, after a while, we found what I figured was another burrow in the side of a hill – only when we went in, there weren’t any virmen anywhere to be found.  The burrow ended up being a tunnel that led pretty far underground, and as we followed it down, eventually we started hearing some kind of activity in the distance, and could see light around the bend.  When we finally got to the end of the tunnel…well, check this out.  You’re not going to believe this one.

The tunnel opened to a large room, lit by lanterns hanging from the ceiling.  All through the room there were rows of workstations set up with computers, and every one of them was manned by a panda.  Mostly kids, from the looks of it, if not all kids.  They were all busy working on something on the computers and hardly even noticed us when we came in.  Then we started wandering up and down the rows and peeking in on what the pandas were all so locked-in on working on.

They were all playing Earth Online.

Wait, did I say “playing”?  Not so much PLAYING, as…well…farming dollars in-game.  And then some of them seemed to be on the sales end of the business, hanging out in the capital cities and spamming trade chat with their ads.  Seems like the ones who were doing that all had a couple pre-set chat-spamming macros with their set announcements.  You know the ones…

[Trade]  Plz pay attention to the hot news! Happy weekend and all our friends. For customer in celebration old and new, we special offer on dollars! Now only 1000g = $250$dollar !!! Welcome to WWW. dollardollarbillyall .COM !! Come on!

So yeah, THAT’S where all those motherfuckers come from!  Messed up, right?

Obviously I wasn’t going to leave THIS little operation going.  I tried explaining my low-grade freak-out over it to Malkorok, but he’s not a gamer and doesn’t understand why I waste my time on that stuff anyway, and I’m pretty sure he didn’t really follow when I tried to spell out to him what these people were doing.  I think he pretty much stopped trying to grasp it after he got to the “they’re doing something that Garrosh apparently does not like” stage, and recommended we just kill them.

Meanwhile, one of the trainees, this budding shaman named Ruekie, was already working on a less deathy solution: she started going around talking to the panda kids, and found out they were getting paid like 6 copper an hour for this gig.  (I know, right?)  So then SHE pointed out the (pretty damn modest but way more than 6c/hour) allowance that Horde trainees get paid, and woo boy, did THAT news spread like wildfire through the room.

So, bottom line, within about 20 minutes we had several dozen panda kids asking to sign on as trainees, and bouncing around on their chairs yelling “For the Horde!” once we’d finished signing them up.  Burzum, Ishi, and Krimpatul are about to have a whole lot more mentoring work on their hands than they were probably counting on.

And I didn’t even have to offer to let them punch me in the face.

(Fuck you, Varian.)

Spazzle Speaks: Guild Chat Edition

Hi, everyone.  Spazzle here.  Since Mokvar and I will be sharing blogging duties with Garrosh on his way to Pandaria, I’m taking my turn today updating everyone on what’s going on in Orgrimmar.

And/or Earth:

 

You have logged on.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Are you sure you’re not Utvoch, Dontrag?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  no i’m dontrag

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  i could swear we’ve talked about this before

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Because I feel fairly sure that you’re Dontrag, Utvoch.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Hey, Spaz.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  again?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  really?

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  hey

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I know, I know, but honestly, it just never gets old!  ^_^

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  i really dont think so

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  i’m utvoch, he’s dontrag

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Perhaps we should refer to a third party to resolve the disagreement?  Who is your commanding officer over in Kalimdor?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  cliffwalker

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  overlord cliffwalker

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Perhaps you should speak to him and ask him to confirm which of you is which.

[EdwardBear | Ji] has logged on.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  huh maybe

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  we dont need to do that, he’s jsut going to say what we’re telling you now

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  no not maybe ut UGH

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Hey Ji

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well you won’t know until you ask him, now will you?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  hi mokvar

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  you know maybe she has a point

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  i’ll go find him

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  no ut u idiot dont listen to her

[SteveKravitz | Utvoch] has logged off.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  oh dammit

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  feeling ok?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Yeah, I’m fine.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Personally, that only supports my original point.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  what does

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  You are having entirely too much fun with this.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  That he left to find Overlord Cliffwalker just now.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  y

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I really am.  ^_^

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oh, watch this.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  b

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  what does b mean

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I believe B is the second letter of the alphabet.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  by the way, has garona been on lately?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Although, since Mokvar is the scribe here, perhaps you should confirm with him.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  i got one of those rooster pets she was trying to farm

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  no i know its a letter

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Huzzah, the spirit of literacy liveth!

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  what spirit

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  like a ghost or something

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  she IS the banshee queen

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  maybe it’s someone over in the undercity

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well well look at our quiet little webmaster coming out of his shell!  ^_^

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] 

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well I’ll see you and raise you…

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Edward, I don’t remember seeing Garona on for a couple days

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  It’s actually the nickname of the phantasm who’s our assistant inscription trainer here.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  She might just be logging on at odd hours.

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  maybe garrosh should have had them come audition for the temp scribe job

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oooh, trumped by the goblin!

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  i’m confused

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  And all is right with the world.

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  I’m showing nightengayle’s last login four days ago

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  um ok

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  no but like

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  ya i know b is a letter

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  but what did u say it for?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well, you said “y”.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  um ok

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  You did.  You can scroll up and check if you don’t believe me.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  oh ok … well hopefully i’ll catch her on soon to give it to her

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  I will bet you 1000 gold he’s scrolling up right now.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I said it supported my point that Dontrag left to go talk to Overlord Cliffwalker, and you said “y”.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  ya ok i see that

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  And so I said “b”.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  ya but how come?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well, I just assumed we were typing random letters.  Is that not how this works?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  oh

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  no that was y like in why

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oh.  Are your “w” and “h” keys not working?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Maybe Spazzle could have a look at them for you.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Ed, you could always just mail it to her for whenever she logs on, that was you don’t have to be watching for her.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  no my keyboard is ok

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  it saves time

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oh, were you in a hurry?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Are you going somewhere?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  To go find Overlord Cliffwalker, perhaps?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  oh wow really?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  there’s mail?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Do you craft this stuff beforehand or are you just making it up on the fly?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Because honestly, I’m not sure which one would make you more of a genius.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Um

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  yeah ed – you never noticed the post offices in each city?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Yeah there is.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  What’s sad is that there’s actually a whole extra layer to this that he’s never going to get to on his own.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oh… oh wow.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  no its just faster

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  haha yea

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  I mean, granted he’s very new to the game.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  That poor, poor, adorably clueless little bear…

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  i guess i never looked inside those to see what they were for

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Ah, I see.  Hurry up and wait.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  wait for what?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  yea but he’s level 27

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Yeah, Ed, if you go in there you can send things to other people in-game.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Just like in real life, only it takes a couple days rather than an hour to deliver, for some reason.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Perhaps for Dontrag to return and confirm that it is in fact you who is Utvoch.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  i’m not utvoch

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  So you say.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  ya so i say cuz i am

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  i mean i’m not

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  not utvoch

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I’ll go ahead and nudge him through; I don’t want to leave this other part on the shelf, and he’s never going to get to it by himself.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  But as I was saying, the fact that Dontrag went to talk to Overlord Cliffwalker just confirms that I’m right.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  y

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  q

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  g

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  w

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  i mean why

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] hey are u guys messing with me now

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  y would you think that?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Because, between Dontrag and Utvoch, Dontrag has always been the more circumspect, so if one of you were going to make the effort to seek confirmation on this question, it would be Dontrag.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  but i’m dontrag

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Then why aren’t you checking on this with Overlord Cliffwalker?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  If you -are- Dontrag, let me say in no uncertain terms, you’re being out-Dontragged.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  ok fine then

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  i’ll go ask him

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  and watch what he says

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  by the way, mokvar, did you still want to leave this afternoon

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I only wish I could be there with you when you ask him.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  ya me too

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  anyway whatever

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  If that works for you, Ed, sure.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  be back later

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  where are you guys going?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Goodbye, Utvoch.

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  later ut

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  no

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  See you later, Utvoch.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  ugh

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  fuck it

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  we’re going to take a trip to winterspring, spazzle

[GilbertRose | Dontrag] has logged off.

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  what are you going to be doing up there?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Not for anything, but we probably want to be more careful about using real names in guild chat anyway.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  You know, in case you-know-whos 1 or 2 come on.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  there’s a place called timbermaw hold

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  mokvar says there’s a race there that seems similar to the pandaren

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  I don’t know if it’s a case of “or”

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  I don’t think I’ve ever seen just one of them on

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  so he’s taking me to visit so i can see if we might have some common ancestry

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  oh yeah, the furbolg

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  True, Mokvar, although everyone seems to be fairly aware of it when Jaina and Kalecgos are around.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Oh, so they’re one of THOSE couples…

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  come to think of it

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  would you like to come?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  i think we’re stopping at a goblin town on the way, aren’t we, mokvar?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Everlook, yeah.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  so you know them up there, spazzle?

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  oh so all us goblins must know each other huh?

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  kinda racist

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  um

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  i mean

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  kidding

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  oh

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  whew

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Someone’s feeling lively today.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  I’m sure Spazzle’s got his own stuff to do anyway, Ed.

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  kind of a shame garrosh is missing out on the trip to timbermaw hold, though

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  because of the archbishop thing

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Oh yeah, that’s right.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Pardon?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  There’s some little-known technicality with the Timbermaw furbolgs.

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  whoever’s warchief, they consider an archbishop

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I’m…fairly sure I’m better off not knowing how that happened.

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  so yeah, he probably would have wanted to go

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Still, just as well I suppose.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Although it IS kind of a shame we have to miss seeing him in the funny hat.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  speaking of which, has anyone heard anything from garrosh yet?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Not me.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Nor I.  I would imagine he’s still in transit.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  They were saying a couple days’ trip, but I got the sense they were being optimistic about the weather.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  ah ok

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Let me check something, actually.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I will say, it’s been much quieter in guild chat since he’s been away.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Ed, when you came up from Pandaria, how long did the flight take?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  With a precipitous decrease in the amount of typing in caps.

[HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] has logged on.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  hi puff

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  And as if in response.  Well played, universe.

[Proudleslie | Jaina] has logged on.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  bartleby, it was a little under two days

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  hey honaleepuff

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  hey leslie

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  HELLO EVERYONE

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Ah, okay.  And that was flying.  By sea would be longer, I would figure.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  hi mbc

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Greetings, you two.  Your logins are getting more and more tightly timed.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  WE HAVE OUR COMPUTERS SET UP IN THE SAME ROOM NOW

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  flying from where?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  How charmingly codependent.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  pandaria

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  we were just trying to ballpark how long it takes to get there

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  oh wow small world

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  my friend is on his way there now

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oh really, Leslie?  Business or pleasure?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  business mostly lol

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  his son is down there too though so i guess he’s looking forward to meeting up

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  uh oh

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  am i guessing right?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Yeah.  And…oh no.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  How interesting, Leslie.  What’s his son doing down there, if I might inquire?  And whereabouts, as far as you’re aware?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  i’m not sure really

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  last i heard he was trying to work on his studies with some of the locals

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  How industrious.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I’m sure there’s much for him to learn there.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  lol if he doesnt get himself in to much trouble

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oh, what could he do there to get into trouble?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  hehe

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  anyway i get the feeling garrosh is going to want me doing some e-sleuthing when he hears about this

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  so i should get start working on something i can tell him

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  No, really.  Do you have any thoughts on possible examples?  I’m just curious about such things.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  See you later, Spaz.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  For my nephew, that is.

You have logged off.

 

Sure, fine, as far as informational blog posts go, this is kind of cheating.  At least I’m not subjecting everyone to bad poetry!

Ragequitters never win

You have logged on.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  well that’s the problem with arcane, though.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  for me anyway.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  how you u mean?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  hi pwn

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Hey, boss.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Hey everyone

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  well basically it’s just that since the magic isn’t strictly -alive-, it doesn’t read tone very well.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  ?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  hi pwn

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  so i have to be careful what i say, because the magic tends to take sarcasm literally.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  well i mean, why wouldnt it?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  What did I just walk in on?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Or do I not want to know?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  This one is pretty harmless.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Edwin and Jaina are deep into magic shop talk.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Ah

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  how are you doing, pwn?

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  well i tend to rely pretty heavily on sarcasm in my day-to-day communication.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Doing okay, gayle

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  hello omgipwnedurface.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  yeah, pretty much any time he says something, you want to picture him rolling his eyes

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  good to see you as always.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  see, case in point.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  oh lol

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  well that might be hard since i dont know what u look like

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  probably just as well.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  i haven’t aged well.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  lol its ok i like older guys =)

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  oh i remember that phase

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  HEY NOW

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  NO FLIRTING WITH OTHER MEN!

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  lol dont worry sweetie

[Lorthemar] has logged on.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  hi lorthemar

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  JUST KIDDING

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  I KNOW YOU’RE NOT LIKE THAT LOL

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Greetings, all.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Wow…you know, part of me wants to make a Jaina joke there

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  but mostly I’m just thinking…that poor dragon

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Hey, Lorthemar.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  hi lor

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  I still say scalies just creep me out.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  are you new in the guild?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  No.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  sigh

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Why does everyone keep asking me that?  I’ve been in the guild for months.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  oh ok

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I don’t understand why people can’t remember who I am.

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] has earned the achievement [Q’est-ce Que C’est]

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] has earned the achievement [United Nations]!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  grats BQ!

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  grats

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Congratulations!

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Thank you, all.  ^_^

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Wait, you got the United Nations achievement?

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  unless the game ui is trying to pull a fast one on you.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Indeed!

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Exalted with EVERY national faction?  HOW?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Admittedly, that last rep grind was particularly onerous.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Which one?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  France.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh geez yeah

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  The French don’t like anybody

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Not so; they’re quite fond of me now.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh actually, let me take care of this while I’m thinking of it

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  What’s that?

[EdwardBear | Ji] has joined the guild.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  welcome!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  welcome ed

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Who’s this now?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Ji Firepaw

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  He overheard me talking about the game with Spazzle a couple days ago and got curious

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Ah…well this should be entertaining.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  How are the new pandaren recruits working out so far, Warchief?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Eh…sort of a mixed bag

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  They mean well, but…I don’t know.  We’ll see

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  brb

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Welcome to the guild!

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  So I’m guessing he’s REALLY newbish.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, he’s going to be pretty green

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Speaking of which

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  he seems quiet.

[GilbertRose | Dontrag] has logged on.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  hi gil

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Edward, type /g to talk in guild chat

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Hello, Utvoch.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  can you see this?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  ah there we are

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  no this is dontrag

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Welcome aboard, Ed.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Greetings, Edward.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Is this your first time logging onto Earth Online in general?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  And, are you sure, Utvoch?  I could swear you were Utvoch, Dontrag.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  no, i logged on for a little while last night

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  it looks fun

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  yes i’m sure

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Oh, so this is your first Earth Online character?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  we’ve talked about this before

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  yes

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well if you’re so sure about it, I don’t see why we would have had to discuss it repeatedly.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  But if you insist, I suppose I’ll take your word on being Dontrag, Utvoch.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  A double welcome to you, then!

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  thank you

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  ok good

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  are you new too?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You really love messing with him, don’t you?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Why yes.  Yes I do.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Whichever one of them he actually is.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  sigh

[Guild][Lorthemar]  No, I’m not.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Can you blame me, really?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I’m not new.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  are you sure your not new lor?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  i dont think i’ve seen you on before

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Yes I’m sure.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I’m not new, for the hundredth time.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  well of course you’re not new for the hundredth time.  that wouldn’t be new.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  you can only be new once.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  …

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  what class are you playing ed?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Just say the word if you need any help with anything, Edward.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  I know some things can be a little confusing at first.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  a farmer

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Hmm, I’ve never played one of those.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  they don’t really sound too exciting to play

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh hey, I’ve got my Refer-a-Friend pet now

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  What kind?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You should have gotten one too, Edward

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  A dog

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  don’t you already have one?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  how do i get it?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, but the RAF is a random draw from a bunch of breeds

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  There are a lot of different breeds.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  You already have it, Edward.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So for instance, this one I just got is a cocker spaniel

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  If you go to the bottom of your screen, you can open your pet catalog.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  omg i love the new pet sparring!

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  ok

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  oh there it is

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  what kind did you get?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  how can i see the details?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Right click on it.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  anyway we should get going, we have lunch plans

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  bye leslie

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Eat well!

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  BYE EVERYONE

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  byeeeee

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  ok i think i see it now

[Proudleslie | Jaina] has logged off.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  What’s the verdict?

[HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] has logged off.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  it says it’s called a poodle

[Guild][Lorthemar]  You can name it, too, if you want to.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Those are those fru-fru looking dogs, right?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  they’re supposed to be smart

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  how do i do that?

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  you mean they make good spellcasters?  or the coders gave them a slightly less nonsensical AI?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Right click again, then pick “rename.”

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  ok

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  thank you

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  No problem.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  By the way, Garrosh, did you ever end up talking to the orphanage about Gurtash?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, I put out a few feelers

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Gurtash is that orphan boy who’s been helping take care of the Warchief’s wyvern?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Yeah.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Garrosh was thinking of maybe seeing about adopting him.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  ok done

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  done what?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  That’s…that’s remarkable.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Right now Battlewail has me in a holding pattern.  Something about questions about my temperament

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  i named the pet

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  oh nice

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  A preposterous dispersion against your character, Warchief.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So there’s some meeting they want me to go to with Social Services later this week

[SteveKravitz | Utvoch] has logged on.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  hi steve

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  hey

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Hang on…we have a Department of Social Services?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Who knew, right?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  That -had- to have been a Thrall program.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Yeah, I mean…where the hell have THEY been?

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  hi guys

[Guild][Lorthemar]  So what did you end up naming the pet, Edward?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Greetings, Steve!

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  i named her winnie

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, I know

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  sup man

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Not sure what the deal is with the meeting, but I guess some of the pandas are involved somehow

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Oh?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  after my aunt, jae win

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  she had similarly poofy hair

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  not too much

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, not too clear about any more than that

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh actually

[Guild][Lorthemar]  That works.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Winnie the poodle has a certain ring to it.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  thanks

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  oh hey who’s the new guy?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Hey Ji, quick question

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  i just joined the guild today

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  nice to meet you

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  no not you

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  yes warchief?  i mean guildmaster

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  i meant the other new guy

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  lorthemar

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You might know something about this

[Guild][Lorthemar]  ugh

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Okay, SERIOUSLY

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Enough is enough already.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  ?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Oh sure, “?” at me

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Well I’ll see your “?” and raise you a “!!!”

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Because I’m SICK AND TIRED of nobody around here ever knowing WHO THE HELL I AM

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Um, what’s this guy’s damage?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  So I’m going to explain this ONE MORE TIME

[Guild][Lorthemar]  SO GRAB A DAMN CRAYON TO WRITE IT DOWN THIS TIME

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I

[Guild][Lorthemar]  AM NOT

[Guild][Lorthemar]  NEW

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Is that CLEAR enough for you IDIOTS?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I HAVE BEEN IN THIS GODDAMN GUILD FOR MONTHS

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I CAN REMEMBER BEING ONLINE WHEN HALF YOU OTHER PEOPLE JOINED

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I’M NOT A RECRUIT, I’M NOT SOMEBODY’S COUSIN

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I AM LOR’THEMAR THERON, DAMMIT!

[Guild][Lorthemar]  REGENT LORD OF QUEL’THALAS

[Guild][Lorthemar]  It NOT HARD to remember that part

[Guild][Lorthemar]  LOOK

[Guild][Lorthemar]  <–

[Guild][Lorthemar]  SEE HOW THAT WORKS, YOU MOUTHBREATHING IDIOTS?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  “Lorthemar”…IS LOR’THEMAR

[Guild][Lorthemar]  THAT’S ME

[Guild][Lorthemar]  LOR’THEMAR FUCKING THERON

[Guild][Lorthemar]  RULER OF THE BLOOD ELVES

[Guild][Lorthemar]  ME

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  oh hi, lorthemar.  welcome to the guild.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  did you just join?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  sdfghliuhurtyhweuirthlidrhglsdajghfljksdhg

[Guild][Lorthemar]  THAT DOES IT THE HELL WITH YOU ALL

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  um no prof he just said he’s been in the guild a while

[Lorthemar] has logged off.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  well what crawled up his ass?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  He’s a blood elf.  Who knows

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  um

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  people don’t usually get that upset about this game, do they?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Um, well…

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  your naivete is adorable.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Quick pointer, Ji…don’t queue for any battlegrounds.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  or dungeons

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Or pay attention to trade chat when you’re in the major cities.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  and while you’re at it you might just want to uninstall the whole game right now and cancel your internet service.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  oh.  um.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  i guess i’ll go back to leveling

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Where in the world are you?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  orgrimmar

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  No, I mean, where in the game?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  But like I was starting to say like ten minutes ago

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  i just got sent to a region called siberia

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Do you know anything about these meetings your panda friends are working on for Social Services, Ji?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  a little bit, yes sir

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  the orphan matron suggested i arrange for some of my people to help

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  since pandaren culture places great value on being centered and grounded emotionally

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, you guys do seem very even keel

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  we try to be, yes sir

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  so a few of my people are helping hold some sessions on some of our methods and principles

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  particularly for controlling anger

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  …

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So ANOTHER one basically telling me I have a temper?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  see i TOLD you you needed to work on not being angry all the time

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  YOU stay out of this

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  oh hey

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  well clearly i’m not the only one thinking it!

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Clearly a sign of their failure to appreciate the pressures and stresses that come with the laudable work you do day in and day out.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  When you’re not playing video games or blogging.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  i was going around fighting a few things for xp, when these mobster npcs attacked me and ran off

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  and now i have things missing from my inventory

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  oh those russian mob guys are nasty

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  You said you were in Siberia?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay, so I think I need to go do some checking on this

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I’ll be back

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  yes

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Yeah, you have to watch for that.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  In Soviet Russia, mobs farm you.

You have logged off.

The Wizard of Zhan

The curtain rises on the admiral’s quarters in Northwatch Hold, where Garrosh is sitting in a chair, slumped over a central table.  Everything appears black-and-white.

After a moment, Garrosh stirs and looks around the room while rubbing his forehead.  Stage lights illuminate the far edges of the stage, alternating sides, showing brief glimpses of Orgrimmar in flames, being overrun by demons.  The sounds of screaming and demonic laughter can be heard, seemingly at a distance.  The lights at the edges of the stage go out.  Garrosh stands, and the background noise stops.

GARROSH:  Malchezaar… They were able to do it because of Malchezaar…

 

{UP IN THE NETHER}

GARROSH:

Somewhere up in the nether
In the dark,
There’s a demon “prince,” self-appointed,
Calls himself Malchezaar.

Mortimer wanders in and settles near Garrosh as the song continues.

Somewhere up in the nether
Time did break.
You can kill him while he’s up there
But it just won’t take.

Some day I’ve got to drag him down
Out of that place and go to town
And stop it.
The Legion hid him in the cracks.
Sometimes he’s got my father’s axe;
I hope he drops it.

Somewhere up in the nether
Demons hide.
Prince lurks up in the nether –
It’s long since time he died.

If demons get to be revived
Without a timer,
Why oh why can’t I?

Garrosh walks to a window and looks out.  A stage light illuminates the edge of the stage again, this time revealing the burning ruins of Camp Taurajo.

Garrosh steps back into the room and, slowly at first but with increasing speed and urgency, begins running around the room, knocking over and smashing furniture.  Dizzying music fades in as Garrosh continues; he runs around in circles, destroying everything he can reach.  The stage lights dim until the room itself fades from view and the only thing visible is Garrosh – running in circles, lashing at his invisible surroundings, moving with increasing speed until he starts to blur into a whirlwind of anger.

The lights slowly come up to show that the Northwatch Hold tower has been replaced by the deck of a goblin sky galleon.  The ship is spinning in air, such that the rotation of the ship gradually comes to replace Garrosh’s running; he now stands on the deck as the galleon spins around, tossed in circles by a literal whirlwind.

The lights fade to black while the dizzying music continues – growing louder – then a loud crash is heard.  The stage lights come up again, showing the sky galleon wrecked on the ground amid the ruins of Theramore.  For the first time, the scene is visible in full color.  Garrosh is sprawled out on the ground near the wreckage, unconscious.  Mortimer flies in and approaches.  He prods Garrosh carefully with one paw; Garrosh stirs and starts to get up.

GARROSH:  <rubbing his head with one hand while patting Mortimer with the other>  Yeah, yeah, I’m okay, buddy…

Garrosh turns to the wreckage of the galleon and notices a woman’s legs sticking out from under it.

Huh.  She’s not okay, though, whoever she is.  Was.

Garrosh looks around the ruins, then back to the galleon.  As he turns away, several goblins begin to emerge slowly from behind pieces of the ruins.

Hmm… Mortimer, I don’t think we’re in Northgate anymore…  Looks like Theramore…so…so that would make HER—

SPAZZLE:  <running to the wreckage>  The Witch!  She’s dead!  The Wicked Witch is dead!

More goblins appear and gather closer around the wreckage.

GARROSH:  Hang on, the witch?  You mean like a mage?

SPAZZLE:  Well, it’s kind of a blanket term.

GARROSH:  But is THIS one a mage?

KHIZZARA:  Not anymore!

GARROSH:  Yeah, fine, I get it, she’s dead.  What I’m trying to find out is if she’s—

GIZZIX GRIMEGURGLE:  She’s dead!

DYSLIX SILVERGRUB:  Dead!

KRIXIL SLOGSWITCH:  The Witch is dead!

KHIZZARA:  Woot!

GARROSH:  Fine, fuck it, I’ll check it out myself.

Garrosh takes hold of the edge of the wreckage and, grunting, lifts it a few feet.

UGH!  GROSS!

Garrosh releases the galleon and it crashes back onto the body.  One hand is left flopping limply out from under the wreckage; a glowing blue orb falls out of its palm and rolls across the ground.

Definitely Jaina, though.  Gotta say, not exactly a glorious way to go out.  <chuckles>  Oh well.  Live on your back, die on your back, right?

The blue sphere rolls further.  In a puff of smoke, Liadrin appears in the sphere’s path.  She is wearing the paladin Lightsworn robes and has the wings of Avenging Wrath permanently glowing on her back.  She leans down and picks up the orb.

LIADRIN:  Are you the one who’s slain the Wicked Witch of the East and freed the Mudsprockets?

GARROSH:  What, Jaina?  Yeah, that was me, I guess.

GOBLINS:  Hooray!

GARROSH:  So hang on, who are all you people?

LIADRIN:  I am the Good Witch of the North.  And the Mudsprockets live here in the marsh.

RAZBO RUSTGEAR:  Under the tyrannical reign of the Wicked Witch of the East!

KHIZZARA:  Not anymore!

GOBLINS:  Hooray!

GARROSH:  Jaina had a tyrannical reign?

SPAZZLE:  Well, more like some pretty strict local ordinances on fireworks and explosives.

KHIZZARA:  Not anymore!

GIZZIX GRIMEGURGLE:  Splodey-ville, here we come!

GOBLINS:  Hooray!

GARROSH:  Okay, whatever.  You’re happy she’s dead, I’m happy she’s dead, it’s all cool.  One less thorn in my side, gotta tell you.

 

{WHAM, BAM, THE BITCH IS DEAD}

GARROSH:

Wham!  Bam!  The bitch is dead!

GOBLINS:

Witch?  Which bitch?

GARROSH:

The Proudmoore bitch!
Wham!  Bam!  The Proudmoore bitch is dead!
I landed on her head,
She wished she woulda stood in bed.
Flat splat, the Proudmoore bitch is dead!

GOBLINS:

She won’t stop the goblins now –
Kapow!  Kapow!  Kapow!
So now, let’s open up and blast,
At last!  Let’s rock some rockets!
Wham bam, she got put down,
A new sheriff is in town!
Don’t you frown, the Wicked Witch is dead!

Drazzit Dripvalve approaches wearing a top hat and comically flamboyant ceremonial attire.

DRAZZIT DRIPVALVE:

As Mayor of dear Mudsprocket,
In the shadow of the Witch’s lair,
I welcome you effusively!

GIZZIX GRIMEGURGLE:

But it must be proved conclusively,
To know…

DRAZZIT DRIPVALVE:

To know?

GIZZIX GRIMGURGLE:

That blow…

DRAZZIT DRIPVALVE:

That blow?

GIZZIX GRIMGURGLE:

Has utterly, totally,

KRIXIL SLOGSWITCH:

Not just anecdotally!

RAZBO RUSTGEAR:

Determinately, permanently,

GOBLINS:

Undiminishedly gone and finished her off.

SPAZZLE:

I went ahead and checked her out,
And I can say without a doubt
That she’s not just flatter than most:
She’s totally and truly toast.

DRAZZIT DRIPVALVE:

Then today we’ll fire our rockets!
Celebrating free Mudsprockets!
Now spread the word!  Let none neglect!
The Wicked Witch just got shipwrecked!

GOBLINS:

Wham!  Bam!  The Witch is dead!
Which?  Which Witch?  The Wicked Witch!
Wham!  Bam!  The Wicked Witch is dead!
He landed on her head,
She wished she woulda stood in bed.

GARROSH:

Flat splat, the Proudmoore bitch is dead!

GOBLINS:

She won’t stop the goblins now –
Kapow!  Kapow!  Kapow!
So now, let’s open up and blast,
At last!  Let’s rock some rockets!
Wham bam, she got put down,
A new sheriff is in town!
Don’t you frown, the Wicked Witch is dead!

From above, Magatha Grimtotem swoops in, riding her wind serpent Arikara.  Cackling maniacally, she casts chain lightning down at the Mudsprockets, who scatter and try to take cover.

GARROSH:  What the fuck is SHE doing here?

LIADRIN:  It’s the Wicked Witch of the West!

GARROSH:  How many fucking Wicked Witches do you people HAVE around here?

LIADRIN:  Two—

KHIZZARA:  Not anymore!

LIADRIN:  Well, yes, one now.  But this one is even worse than the Wicked Witch of the East ever was.

GARROSH:  Preaching to the choir, lady.

Magatha unleashes another burst of chain lightning; Garrosh and Liadrin dive out of the way.  Mortimer launches into the air, snarling, and swipes at Arikara.

GARROSH:  Yeah!  Go get ’em, Mortimer!

Mortimer’s strike knocks Magatha off of Arikara and sends her crashing to the ground.  Shrieking, Arikara flies out of view.  Magatha gets up and looks at Jaina’s legs poking out from under the wreckage.  Mortimer returns to the ground, landing next to Garrosh.

MAGATHA:  So it’s true!  She’s dead!  <looking around hurriedly>  Where is it, then?  It must be here!

LIADRIN:  <holding up the blue sphere>  Are you looking for this?

MAGATHA:  The Focusing Iris!  Yes!  Once I combine its power with that of the Doomstone—

LIADRIN:  You’ll do nothing of the kind, crone!

MAGATHA:  You think I fear you, elf?  I’ll take it from you if I have to!

Magatha starts to cast another chain lightning, but is interrupted when Garona – sporting the Fangs of the Father wings – unstealths and stunlocks her.

GARONA:  Not so much, Steak Sauce!

GARROSH:  So, who’s this supposed to be now?

LIADRIN:  She’s the Morally Ambiguous Witch of the South-by-Southeast.

GARONA:  Hey.

GARROSH:  You people have some really weird fucking job titles, gotta say.

LIADRIN:  You slayed the Wicked Witch of the East, so it’s only right that the Focusing Iris should go to you as its caretaker…

Liadrin hands the Iris to Garrosh.

What’s important is that it stays out of the hands of the crone at all cost.

GARROSH:  Yeah, don’t worry, I am all about making her life unpleasant…

Arikara swoops by again, startling Garrosh and Liadrin into taking a few steps back; Magatha breaks out of her stun, jumps back, and puts down an earthbind totem that holds the others in place.

MAGATHA:  I may need to bide my time for now, but the Iris will be mine yet!  And as for you, orc – I’ll get you, my cranky, and your little wyvern, too!

Magatha leaps onto Arikara’s back and takes off.

LIADRIN:  She’ll be back.  I hope you can handle powerful enemies.

GARROSH:  I’ve dealt with worse.  Matter of fact, I was working on one just before I wound up here.

LIADRIN:  What enemy was that?

GARROSH:  A demon called Malchezaar – taking him out wouldn’t even be that big of a deal, but I kind of have to get him out of his lair in order to defeat him.

LIADRIN:  Something you would need powerful magic to do?

GARROSH:  Probably.  Magic not really being my strong suit.

LIADRIN:  I may know whose it is.  You want to talk to the Wizard of Zhan.

GARROSH:  The who now?

LIADRIN:  The Wizard of Zhan!  He’s a wise, mysterious mage who lives in the Dark Tower far away.

GARROSH:  So this guy is pretty powerful?

LIADRIN:  Extremely – they say there’s no end to what he can do.

GARONA:  Let’s not get carried away now.

GARROSH:  You know him?

GARONA:  We’ve met.

GARROSH:  So how do I get to him?

LIADRIN:  The tower of Zhan is far to the east of Dustwallow, in the Pass of Dying Winds.  Luckily for you, the eastward Gold Road will take you straight there.

Liadrin points to the yellow brick road beneath their feet.

GARROSH:  Well that’s convenient.

GARONA:  I can go with you, since I know the Wizard.

LIADRIN:  You should get started – it’s a long trip, especially since you’ll be walking.

GARROSH:  Screw walking, I’ve got my wyvern right here.  I can just hop on and fly along the road.

GARONA:  Great!  I can get on behind you and hold onto you.

GARROSH:  Okay, so walking it is.  Grats on the dodged bullet, Mortimer.

GARONA:  Fine.

LIADRIN:  We’ll see you off!  Good luck on your journey!

GARROSH:  Hey, actually…you said this road leads right to Zhan?

LIADRIN:  Yes, it does.

GARROSH:  Even though there’s an ocean between here and there?  Because we’re kind of on a different continent.

LIADRIN:  Yes, but fortunately the road runs across the Willing Suspension Bridge of Disbelief.

GARROSH:  Huh.  Okay then.  Off we go.

Garrosh, Garona, and Mortimer start to follow the road while the Mudsprockets gather behind them.

 

{OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD}

GOBLINS:

You’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan.
We hear he’s sage: the mightiest mage
Who ever met mortal man.
If you seek some sorcery for your plan,
The Wizard’s your man, because he can –
He can, he can, he can, he can, he can.
He’ll have it all done before it began!
You’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan!

The curtains close.

 

{TO BE CONTINUED IN ACT 2}

West Azeroth Story, Act 3

The curtain rises.  Spotlights illuminate the left and right sides of the stage separately, as Garrosh leads the Horde forces across the Barrens on one side and Varian leads the Alliance from Theramore.

 

{QUINTET}

HORDE:

The Horde is gonna have its day
Tonight.
The Horde is gonna have its way
Tonight.
Alliance think we’re jokin’, no doubt,
But once their king is broken,
We’re kicking them out.

ALLIANCE:

We’re gonna look ’em in the eyes
Tonight.
We’re gonna cut ’em down to size
Tonight.
We told ’em they could can it: war cries.
We’ll kick ’em off our planet
Once Garrosh, he dies
Tonight.

HORDE:

We’re gonna stop it tonight,
We’re going to drive them off and take Kalimdor!

ALLIANCE:

We’ll turn the tables tonight,
We can’t afford to mess around anymore –
Green-skins invade us!

HORDE:

The Legion made us!
But this time we’re the ones who’ll finish this war!

ALL:

Tonight!

A spotlight illuminates a Theramore courtyard at stage right, where Jaina is seen with Rhonin.

JAINA:

I really do not like this plan
Tonight.
Things really could get out of hand
Tonight.

RHONIN:

They’ll show up for the battle:
Brief truce.
With you there, maybe that’ll
Give an excuse
Tonight?

Jaina nods to Rhonin and rushes out.

A spotlight illuminates Mokvar crossing the Southfury River into the Barrens.

MOKVAR:

Tonight, tonight,
This stinks like saronite.
Tonight the flames of war could be fanned.
Tonight, tonight,
When our two leaders fight,
That Malkorok may have something planned.

One more spotlight illuminates the Theramore tower, where Deliana looks out a window.

DELIANA:

Tonight
The past may come back calling,
The future that we’re stalling,
And now, out of my sight,
There’s such a fright
That what we’ve done is coming to light…

HORDE:

The Horde is coming out on top tonght!
We’re gonna watch Varian drop tonight!
They’ll go slow as molasses,
Cry and pout.
The door will hit their asses
On their way out.

Garrosh, Malkorok, the rest of the Horde group, and Deliana overlap:

GARROSH:

<to Malkorok>  You keep a wide-open eye.

MALKOROK:

Right.

GARROSH:

In case he tries something sly.

MALKOROK:

Right.

GARROSH:

For the Horde!

HORDE:

For the Horde!

MALKOROK:

And they might have a surprise
Tonight.

DELIANA:

Tonight, tonight
Our role it might indict,
Tonight the flames of war could be fanned.

The Horde, Alliance, Mokvar, Deliana, and Jaina – who is now riding across Dustwallow Marsh – overlap:

HORDE and ALLIANCE:

We’re gonna stop it tonight!
We’re gonna end it tonight!
They’re gonna get it tonight!

ALLIANCE:

They invaded,
They invaded,
They invaded.

HORDE:

Here we’ve made it,
Here we’ve made it,
Home: we made it.

ALLIANCE:

We can’t afford to mess around.
Alliance has to win the day,
Alliance has to find a way.
We’ve got to stop it tonight.

HORDE:

We’re gonna grind them to the ground,
The Horde is gonna have its day,
The Horde is gonna have its way.
We’ve got to stop it tonight.

JAINA:

Tonight, tonight,
We just might
Have one chance to get it right:
Now Jaina’s got to find a way
To broker peace before the fray:
Will cooler heads carry the day?
Tonight, tonight,
Our future could be bright –
I’ve got to stop it tonight!

DELIANA:

Tonight, tonight,
When our two leaders fight,
That Malkorok may have something planned.

MOKVAR and DELIANA:

Tonight
The past may come back calling,
The future that we’re stalling,

MOKVAR:

And now, within my sight,

DELIANA:

And now, out of my sight,

MOKVAR and DELIANA:

There’s such a fright
That what we’ve done is coming to light…

ALL:

Tonight.

Blackout.  From either side of the stage, the Horde and Alliance enter the Battlescar in the Southern Barrens.  Both groups spread out over their respective sides of the field, then Garrosh and Varian approach each other at center stage, accompanied by Malkorok and Mathias Shaw.

VARIAN:  Warchief.

GARROSH:  Dickface.

VARIAN:  You’re a classy guy, Hellscream, anyone ever tell you that?

GARROSH:  I can have them put that on your gravestone if you want.

VARIAN:  Are you ready?

GARROSH:  To finally put you in the ground?  I’ve been ready for that for years.

Varian draws Shalamayne and extends it in front of him.

VARIAN:  Your blade?

GARROSH:  What about it?

SHAW:  If you would let us inspect it for doctoring.

GARROSH:  What the hell are you implying?

VARIAN:  We’re not implying anything.  It’s just customary to examine each other’s weapons so we can see no one is—

MALKOROK:  The two-legged rodent is suggesting you would poison your blade, Warchief.  For that alone this mongrel will—

GARROSH:  You DARE insinuate I would cheat, human?

VARIAN:  Obviously, Garrosh, you would never employ questionable methods when faced with honorable combat.  Nevertheless.

Varian gestures with Shalamayne.  Garrosh grumbles, then begrudgingly draws Gorehowl and holds it in front of him.

SHAW:  Thank you, Warchief.

VARIAN:  Now then.

GARROSH:  Have your people stand back, Varian.  This is between you and me.

VARIAN:  You do the same.

Garrosh waves to the Horde group, which steps back and spreads in a semicircle from the side of the stage to the background.  Varian signals to the Alliance members, who mirror the Horde’s movements.

MALKOROK:  Now – begin!

Garrosh and Varian rush at each other and begin to fight as furious music swells.  They lunge and parry, circle around the middle of the stage, and match each other’s moves in rhythm with the music.  As the duel unfolds, the spectators begin to shout and cheer for their respective leader, until the cacophonous yells begin to blend into a rhythmic chanting that becomes a counterpoint to the music.

Several times over the course of the fight, Garrosh and Varian lock weapons until one of them shoves the other back toward one side of the stage.  Each time, they circle around then resume their clash at center stage.

Slowly, in the background, Malkorok begins to make his way closer to the Alliance side of the circle.  From under his cloak, he withdraws a long dagger, shining with a sickly green gleam.

Mokvar enters at the edge of the stage.  As he arrives, Garrosh and Varian lock blades and rotate around as each tries to outmuscle the other.  Garrosh finally gains the upper hand and flings Varian back toward the Alliance side.  Malkorok moves toward him from behind, dagger in hand.

MOKVAR:  No!  Look out!

Mokvar runs to center stage and tackles Varian to the ground, in the process knocking him out of the way of Malkorok’s stab.

FALSTAD:  They’re attackin’ His Majesty!

SHAW:  That one had a dagger!

MALKOROK:  <recovering himself>  That treasonous scribe!  He’s helping the human!

SHANDRIS:  They were never going to honor the duel!

GARROSH:  Mokvar!  You!  If I didn’t see it with my own eyes…!

The two sides rush at each other and begin fighting, largely in the background.  At center stage, Garrosh dodges a few Alliance swings, then grabs Mokvar and holds him by his neck while drawing Gorehowl back.

GARROSH:  You…traitorous…!

As Garrosh prepares to swing, Varian grabs him from behind – jarring Garrosh enough to make him lose his grip on Mokvar – and plunges Shalamayne through his back and out of his chest.

GARROSH:  <looking down at the blade>  Oh for fuck’s sake…AGAIN?

MOKVAR:  Oh…oh crap…

GARROSH:  Also, how come this doesn’t actually hurt?  I mean I know I’m badass and all, but…

BARNES:  <from offstage>  It’s just a glamour, you silly actor – special effects can’t really hurt you.

GARROSH:  I…  <looking around>  Oh…

BARNES:  Now stop breaking the fourth wall and get back to your scene!

GARROSH:  Aren’t YOU the one—

BARNES:  Action!

GARROSH:  <sighs>  Fine.  <flatly>  Oh I am slain.  Oh agony.  Now I shrug off this mortal coil, it is to laugh, the end.  And shit.

Garrosh drops to the ground, where he lays mostly still while making a half-hearted attempt to play dead.  Around him the fighting rages on between the Horde and Alliance.

LIADRIN:  Garrosh!

DONTRAG:  He killed the Warchief!

UTVOCH:  You bastard!

VARIAN:  Victory!  Hellscream has fallen!  For the Alli—

Garona unstealths behind Varian and stunlocks him, then unleashes a flurry of blows until he drops to the ground.

GARONA:  House of Wrynn!  Two generations running!  Tell Anduin to sleep lightly!  Booyah!

Garona stealths again.  The two sides continue to battle frantically.

MALKOROK:  Now!  With Wrynn slain!  Now, shamans, show the dogs the first of our surprises!

A handful of dark-clad shaman emerge from the Horde group and begin channeling spells.  Several of the surrounding boulders begin to glow, then rise up as molten giants and begin to attack the Alliance.

Jaina enters.

JAINA:  By the Light!  What’s happening here?!

FALSTAD:  The devils ’a broken the agreement!

SHAW:  They’ve killed Varian!

The molten giants stomp on several Alliance soldiers and send the group scattering.

JAINA:  We have to get out of here!  Everyone to me!

The Alliance rush to Jaina, who teleports them away.  The shaman stop channeling their spells, and the molten giants collapse back into boulders.

MALKOROK:  Horde!  The Alliance flees, but they will not escape!  Quickly, to Brackenwall Village!  We will regroup and bring the fight to them!  For the Horde!

The Horde exits, leaving the stage empty save for the bodies of Garrosh and Varian.  The stage lights lower, save for dim lights still illuminating the bodies.

GARROSH:  Well that sucked.

VARIAN:  Yeah, it kind of did.

GARROSH:  Yeah.

VARIAN:  Still, though…

GARROSH:  What?

VARIAN:  For the record, I got you.

GARROSH:  Fuck you, Varian.

Blackout.  In a Theramore tower, Deliana paces the room.

Jaina enters.

DELIANA:  Jaina!  What happened?

JAINA:  <sighs>  Varian is dead.

DELIANA:  What?!  How?  You mean now we have to…?

JAINA:  It’s not that simple.  Varian is dead, but so is Garrosh.  I’m still not sure how it all happened – by the time I got there, things had already—

A knock at the door is heard.

JONATHAN:  <outside>  Lady Proudmoore!

JAINA:  Come in, General.

The door opens and General Marcus Jonathan enters, along with Jaina’s night elf bodyguard Pained; the pair holds Mokvar captive.

JONATHAN:  Lady Proudmoore, this orc was found lurking outside the city.  He didn’t resist capture, but he did insist on speaking with you.

DELIANA:  Mokvar!

JAINA:  You know him, Deliana?

PAINED:  You should be more selective in your friends.  Shandris says this is one of the orcs that helped kill Varian.

DELIANA:  He what?

MOKVAR:  That’s…not entirely accurate.

JONATHAN:  That’s enough from you, orc.

DELIANA:  There has to have been some mistake.

JONATHAN:  There were several, starting with the decision to trust these green-skinned—

JAINA:  That’s enough, General.  You can leave us.  I’d like to have a few words with the prisoner.

JONATHAN:  As you wish.

JAINA:  You too, Pained.  Please wait outside.

PAINED:  With all due respect, my lady, my place is—

JAINA:  Is where I tell you to go, Pained.  I can take care of myself.

PAINED:  Yes, ma’am.

Jonathan and Pained exit.  Jaina turns to Deliana.

JAINA:  How long have you known him?

DELIANA:  We go back quite a few years.

JAINA:  You trust him?

DELIANA:  I’ve spent the last six years hiding in Ironforge for safety.  I think he did more to protect me from Orgrimmar in that time than any of the dwarves ever did.

JAINA:  <turns to Mokvar>  They say you attacked Varian.  Here’s your chance to explain.

MOKVAR:  I jumped him.  That much is true.  But I wasn’t attacking him.  I was trying to push him out of the way of the one who was.

JAINA:  Who, Garrosh?  Why would you try to swing the duel against the Horde?

MOKVAR:  No, not Garrosh.  If it was just him and Varian, I would have stayed out of it.  It was Malkorok.  He was about to stab Varian from behind.

DELIANA:  Malkorok… Of course it was Malkorok.

MOKVAR:  It ended up backfiring.  Both sides thought I was working against them, and in the chaos, Garrosh was killed.  And by that point I don’t think anyone was interested in honoring the terms of the duel.

JAINA:  I don’t even know how many on our side will be willing to listen to reason now.

DELIANA:  Jaina, can’t you rein them in?  You’d have to be one of the highest ranking people left.

JAINA:  I can try, but I don’t know how much good it will do.  With Anduin still a boy, there’s no clear line of succession, so right now I’m merely one in a sea of voices.

MOKVAR:  The Horde is having its own problems with succession, only worse.  It looks like Malkorok is effectively taking over.

DELIANA:  Oh no…

JAINA:  Who is this Malkorok?

MOKVAR:  A Blackrock orc who used to work for Rend Blackhand.  At least he gave the appearance of it.  I don’t think he ever really served anyone or anything other than his own agenda.

JAINA:  I take it having him leading the Horde would be bad news for all involved.

MOKVAR:  Let’s put it this way.  I know Garrosh was no bargain.  But this guy?  Malkorok would make Garrosh look like Thrall.

JAINA:  Do you think there are others in the Horde who will still resist him?

MOKVAR:  I know there are others who won’t be thrilled to have him in charge.  The only question is whether Malkorok’s managed to scare them into submission.

JAINA:  Then you need to go do what you can while there are some who’ll still listen.  And if not…

Jaina reaches into a pocket and produces a small, smooth stone with totemic markings, then slips it into Mokvar’s hand.

…I think you know what this is for.

Mokvar nods.  Jaina starts to channel a spell, and a portal appears in the room.

Go now – hurry.

MOKVAR:  What will you tell the others?

JAINA:  You let me worry about that.

DELIANA:  Stay safe, Mokvar.

MOKVAR:  I think “safe” is long off the board for all of us.  But it’s partly our fault this is happening.

DELIANA:  I know.  Be careful.

MOKVAR:  Always am.

Mokvar disappears through the portal.

Blackout.  In Brackenwall Village, the Horde group arrives, met by Krog and Draz’Zilb.

KROG:  Malkorok?  What are you all doing here?

MALKOROK:  The human king is slain – but not without a cost!  The dogs turned on us with aid from one of our own, and murdered the Warchief!

KROG:  They what?  Garrosh is dead?

MALKOROK:  He is…but we will ensure that he soon finds himself in good company.

FARANELL:  Wait, didn’t we have an agreement with the Alliance that the duel would decide control of Kalimdor?  And, well, Varian did kill Garrosh before—

Malkorok steps up to Faranell quickly and knocks him down with a vicious blow.

MALKOROK:  Unless you wish to lose more pieces of that rotting corpse you call a body, mage, I recommend you choose your words carefully.

Malkorok glares around as some of the group exchange looks in uneasy silence.

UTVOCH:  I can’t believe the Warchief died…

DONTRAG:  What are we doing now?

DRAZ’ZILB:  Surely we can’t let the Warchief’s death go unanswered!

MALKOROK:  Nor will we!  Listen to me, soldiers of the Horde!  I had little doubt the Alliance pigs would show their true colors in this affair, but we will see to it that they pay for their treachery!

Mokvar enters.

Oh, and speaking of treachery!  Here’s the dog who turned on his own Warchief to lend aid to the human!  Seize him!

Mokvar is apprehended by a pair of Kor’kron and brought closer to the group.

MOKVAR:  It’s funny how selective your memory is, Malkorok.  I’m a traitor for helping Varian, but you’re awfully quick to gloss over what I was helping him against – we both know it wasn’t Garrosh.

MALKOROK:  You think I hide my role, scribe?  Hardly – I take pride in it!  I came to the aid of my Warchief; you came to the aid of his mortal enemy.  Tell me again which of us here should hang his head!

LIADRIN:  Wait, you were interfering with the fight?  It was supposed to be honorable combat!

MALKOROK:  You will be silent, elf!

Malkorok steps toward Liadrin and throws a punch at her; she deflects it with a paladin bubble, then stuns Malkorok with a Hammer of Justice.

LIADRIN:  Now now, didn’t your mother teach you not to hit a lady?  She would be ashamed.

MALKOROK:  <seething as he collects himself>  She taught me to crush my foes.

LIADRIN:  Then she would be doubly ashamed if the lady in question were to beat you down.

MOKVAR:  That’s why I jumped in – to keep him from ambushing Varian and—

MALKOROK:  And slaying the leader of our enemy!  Are you fool enough to think you serve our Warchief by saving his nemesis?

MOKVAR:  Garrosh Hellscream had many failings, but he believed in honor.  At least until he started having his steps shadowed by the likes of you.

MALKOROK:  In battle, nothing is more honorable than victory.

MOKVAR:  Funny, I can think of at least one victory Garrosh would have gladly given back…

MALKOROK:  Keep spinning your words, scribe – it’s what a coward like you does, isn’t it?

Malkorok turns to the rest of the group.

The rest of you – what I am calling for is not words.  Your fallen Warchief did not spend his days dawdling over words.  He sought action.  For the safety of the Horde!  For the glory of the Horde!  So let this scribe lull you into submission with his words – I call on you to act!  To avenge your leader!  To finally strike the human disease that has too long infected this continent.  Will you join me?  Or will you sit here, and bandy about words, and wring your hands over niceties – until the Alliance again show themselves for what they are, and again come to enslave our people, and again leave the ground stained with orcish blood?

Many of the Horde troops, including most of the Kor’kron, start to shout in support.

Good!  That is the Horde I know!  Now, all of you!  Follow me, and we will show the Alliance what becomes of those who draw our wrath!  To Theramore!  More surprises await the humans…

DRAZ’ZILB:  None greater than how quickly they’ll fall before us!

KROG:  Hell yeah, we’ll roll over the humans so fast they won’t even know what hit them!

MALKOROK:  Oh no, soldiers, not quickly – quick is painless.  And these humans must be made to suffer for their crimes against our people!

DRAZ’ZILB:  Now you’re talking my language!

DONTRAG:  <aside>  Does this seem a little strange to you?

UTVOCH:  <aside>  All I know is they killed the Warchief… I guess it makes sense to go after them…

MALKOROK:  Every pain these humans have brought to us will be repaid tenfold tonight!  You want to avenge your Warchief?  Then leave your pity and your mercy here – bring only your rage and your cruelty!

 

{CRUEL}

MALKOROK:

Horde, Horde, angry Horde,
Get cruel, Horde!
Vow again, gents, for your vengeance,
Get cruelly cruel, Horde!
Don’t relent, ’cause we have spent
Too long holding back.
Set in mind that humankind
Is overdue for some cruel payback.

Horde, Horde, vengeful Horde!
Stay fierce, Horde!
From the skies comes their demise,
Bring them to tears, Horde!
Fight, Horde, fight,
Each human we’ll smite, each fool floored.
Unleash, be cruel, Horde,
Real cruel.

Mokvar, Liadrin, and Faranell watch the rest of the group march off behind Malkorok.

LIADRIN:  I can’t believe I’m saying it, but I think I’m actually glad Garrosh didn’t live to see this…

MOKVAR:  Yeah…

Mokvar tries to take a step, but is restrained by the two Kor’kron who’ve remained behind, and are still holding him.

<looking back and forth between the Kor’kron>  Huh.

One of the Kor’kron slumps over, sapped.

KOR’KRON #2:  What the—?

The other Kor’kron turns into a sheep in a puff of smoke.

FARANELL:  That’s better.

Garona unstealths behind the sapped guard.

GARONA:  You really have a way with people, Mokvar.

MOKVAR:  I know, right?  Still…thanks for sticking with me.  All of you.

LIADRIN:  I think we’re about to be outcasts among the outcasts.

FARANELL:  Eh.  You get used to it.

MOKVAR:  I was hoping there would be more who would listen…

LIADRIN:  Right now they don’t know what to think.  So most of them aren’t.

FARANELL:  And the rest of them are Dontrag and Utvoch.  So, you know…

GARONA:  What was that business about the surprise for Theramore?

LIADRIN:  I don’t know, but…wait…that part about it coming from the skies…

FARANELL:  What are you thinking?

LIADRIN:  <looks up>  There’s been a goblin sky galleon circling around the western Barrens all night…

FARANELL:  Sending troops in by parachute?

GARONA:  He would send a gunship for that.  A galleon isn’t designed for troop deployment, just…payload.

LIADRIN:  I think he’s planning to use a bomb…

MOKVAR:  Jaina’s trying to calm the Alliance down and get them to listen to reason, but that’s off the board if Malkorok escalates things even more.

FARANELL:  Remember when this cunning plan was going to spare us a big, messy, drawn-out war?

MOKVAR:  I’m hoping we can still limit the damage…

LIADRIN:  What do you have in mind?

MOKVAR:  For starters – Garona, can you stealth into Theramore?  We need you to warn them about what Malkorok’s doing.

GARONA:  Wait, you want to warn the Alliance that a Horde attack is coming?

LIADRIN:  To keep all of this from getting any further out of hand than it already is.

MOKVAR:  And to let them see that not all of the Horde has gone crazy.

GARONA:  Ugh, fine.  I’ll get in and try to warn them.

LIADRIN:  What about Edwin and I?  What do you want us to do?

MOKVAR:  Run.

LIADRIN:  What?

FARANELL:  I can handle that.

MOKVAR:  Get back to the Eastern Kingdoms.

LIADRIN:  Why?  We should do something to help here.

FARANELL:  Don’t argue with the man.  Not-here sounds terrific.

MOKVAR:  Look, there’s no telling how much uglier this is going to get for us.  If things really go bad in Kalimdor, we need some good people still standing over on the other continent.

LIADRIN:  There’s still Sylvanas and Lor’themar to run things there.

MOKVAR:  You mean Miss “When in Doubt, Throw More Plague on It”—

FARANELL:  You do realize who she has in charge of making all the plague, right?

MOKVAR:  —and Mr. “Does Anyone Actually Know Who I Am, and By the Way Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat”?

LIADRIN:  Seriously, why does no one ever remember who Lor’themar is?

GARONA:  Who?

LIADRIN:  <sigh>

MOKVAR:  Liadrin, really, I know you want to help, but right now the best way for you to do that is by getting somewhere safe.

LIADRIN:  What are you going to do?

MOKVAR:  <taking out the stone he’d received from Jaina>  I’ve got one more card to try playing.

LIADRIN:  Whatever it is, good luck.

MOKVAR:  To all of us.

Garona stealths and sneaks off; Faranell teleports himself and Liadrin away.  Mokvar holds out the stone, channels a spell for several seconds, then disappears in a green flash.

Blackout.  In Theramore, Jaina joins Deliana in the tower above.

JAINA:  You haven’t moved since Mokvar left.

DELIANA:  <shrugs>  As long as I keep looking and not seeing anything, then nothing else is coming apart.

JAINA:  Hopefully he’ll be able to convince them.

DELIANA:  Hopefully.  Thank you for being willing to listen to him.

JAINA:  I’ve been rumored to know what it’s like to trust an orc when it’s not a terribly popular thing to do.

Rhonin enters.  As he does, stagelights illuminate the Theramore courtyard below, where Garona unstealths.  The scene below unfolds as the conversation in the tower continues: Garona is immediately attacked by Pained, Shaw, and a few of the Theramore guards; she attempts to fend off their attacks without actively striking anyone, while trying to talk, but to no avail; eventually more Alliance troops mob her, beating her viciously.

JAINA:  Rhonin – any luck calming them down?

RHONIN:  <shaking head>  No more than you’ve had so far.  This entire turn of events is proof of why both sides should have listened when we tried to start peace talks.

JAINA:  I don’t think listening was ever the strong suit of either of the leaders involved.

RHONIN:  Still, I’m hopeful that given a chance to calm down, they’ll eventually be willing to reconsider.

JAINA:  The question is whether they’ll give themselves that chance to calm down.

RHONIN:  You think they might do something rash?

JAINA:  If they don’t, the Horde might.  Either way, we all lose.

Falstad and Jonathan drag a bloodied Garona up to the tower and enter, followed closely by Pained and Shaw.

JONATHAN:  Lady Proudmoore, we have another Horde captive!

JAINA:  What…what did you do to her?

SHAW:  Nothing these orcs don’t deserve.

FALSTAD:  Aye, the troops made sure this one’d be takin’ some partin’ gifts, if’n she escapes…

JAINA:  This… Is this what it’s come to now?  Is this what we’ve reduced ourselves to?

PAINED:  We didn’t start this war, my lady.

GARONA:  <halting>  No…but Malkorok…is coming…coming to finish it.

JAINA:  Malkorok!  He’s still in charge?  Mokvar couldn’t stop him?

GARONA:  He…he tried… And then he…he sent me to…to warn you…to…  <looks around disgustedly>  …to save you…

JAINA:  Warn us about what?  What is Malkorok doing?

SHAW:  <shoving Garona>  Answer her, orc!

JAINA:  Let her!

GARONA:  Malkorok…Malkorok is bringing the Horde to…to attack Theramore…and…  <spits out blood, then looks around again angrily>  He’s throwing the whole force at the north gate…

PAINED:  We can pull everyone into the keep and fortify it, my lady – they’ll never get past the walls without siege engines.

SHAW:  Still, I’d recommend sending out an advance force to intercept, maybe thin out their numbers before they can get here.

JAINA:  See to that, Mathias.  While you go out to meet them, we’ll make sure the city is sealed up tightly.  General Jonathan?

JONATHAN:  Yes, Lady Proudmoore?

JAINA:  I want you, General Redmane, and Admiral Aubrey coordinating the defenses here.  I’ll speak to Rhonin about setting up some spells to reinforce the outer gates.

JONATHAN:  Yes, ma’am.  I’ll relay your orders.

Jonathan runs out.  As he releases his grip on Garona, she jerks to one side and pulls free of Falstad’s grip, then stealths.

FALSTAD:  Dammit!  Where’d tha’ one go?

PAINED:  We’re having a very bad day with prisoners today…

JAINA:  Never mind that – everyone get to work preparing for the attack.

The other officers exit.

I’d hoped it wouldn’t come to this…

DELIANA:  I think I see them coming…

JAINA:  <sighs>  I’d better get down there, then…

Jaina exits; Deliana continues watching from the window.

Blackout.  In Dustwallow Marsh, near Theramore, Malkorok enters with the rest of the Horde force, stage left.  From stage right, an Alliance group enters, led by Falstad, Shandris, and Shaw.

SHANDRIS:  There they are!  Stop them!  For the Alliance!

The Alliance rushes at the Horde and the two sides begin fighting.  Malkorok stands back, surveying the battle and watching the sky.  As the fighting rages on, he fires a flare into the sky; after a moment, a blinding burst of light flashes from offstage to the right, as an enormous explosion is heard.  The blast throws several of the Alliance on the right side of the stage a good distance to the left, and many of them sprawl on the ground unconscious.

MALKOROK:  HAHA!  There!  It is done!  See what becomes of the enemies of the Horde, Alliance dogs!  Now, quickly, finish them all, and—

MOKVAR:  <offstage>  Not so fast!

Mokvar enters in ghost wolf form from stage left, closely followed by Vol’jin mounted on a raptor and Baine Bloodhoof on a kodo.

VOL’JIN:  Yah, mon, dere been enough killin’ already taday!

MALKOROK:  You!  I see the traitor has made friends among the malcontents!  No matter, troll, you can watch and learn how—

BAINE:  We will watch nothing other than you standing down!

MALKOROK:  Stand down!  Do you think yourself Warchief now, tauren?  Is that an order?

BAINE:  No, Malkorok, I know I’m not Warchief.  <stares Malkorok down a moment>  And yes, that’s an order.

From stage right, Jaina staggers in unsteadily.

Lady Proudmoore!

SHANDRIS:  <pulling herself up slowly>  Jaina…you…you survived…!

JAINA:  Rhonin…Rhonin ported me out of the city at the last second… But he…he…

MOKVAR:  <looking offstage to the right>  Liana…?

JAINA:  <looking back>  My…my city…my people… They’re…they’re…

MALKOROK:  Enough of this!  Soldiers of the Horde, this is our moment – strike down your enemies once and for all, and—

BAINE:  They will do nothing of the kind, Malkorok!

VOL’JIN:  You be done givin’ orders, mon!

MALKOROK:  And who will, troll?  You?  You think you have any authority to take over here?

VOL’JIN:  Funny ting you be askin’, mon.

Another ghost wolf enters behind Vol’jin, Baine, and Mokvar.

I ain’t da one who be takin’ over.

The ghost wolf moves to center stage and transforms into Thrall.

THRALL:  I believe you’ve done more than enough today, Malkorok.

MALKOROK:  So the prodigal shaman returns!  No matter!

Malkorok draws his axes and rushes at Thrall.  Before he can reach him, Thrall extends one hand and summons a whirlwind that holds Malkorok suspended above the ground.

THRALL:  I’ve faced far more imposing threats than you.  More menacing and chilling than the likes of you could even imagine.

MALKOROK:  <struggling to break out of the whirlwind>  Yes, I know all about your battle with Deathwing, shaman…

THRALL:  I was talking about Aggra with morning sickness.

Jaina finally pulls her attention away from the ruined city and approaches center stage, looking around angrily.

JAINA:  I tried to tell you… And Rhonin… You did this…all of you…did this with your hate…  <starts to build a fireball in her hand>  Well now I have some hate of my own…

THRALL:  Jaina, no!

JAINA:  Don’t try to defend him, Thrall!  You see what he did here!

THRALL:  <glares over to Malkorok, still suspended>  I could care less what happens to this…this.  But the rest of my people have done nothing.

Jaina continues gathering the fireball in her hand as she eyes Malkorok.  In the background, Dontrag and Utvoch can be seen helping Falstad and Shaw to their feet.

JAINA:  Get them out of here.

SHAW:  But Jaina, they—

JAINA:  Today isn’t the day for anyone to argue with me.  Get them together and get them away from here, Go’el.

Thrall nods, then gestures to Vol’jin and Baine.

BAINE:  All of you, come and come quickly.

VOL’JIN:  Time ta make ourselves invisible like da Lich King’s horse!

BAINE:  You really need a new joke.  Seriously.

The Horde slowly makes its way offstage to the left; Baine and Vol’jin follow them.  Mokvar finally pulls himself away from the sight of Theramore and slowly walks across the stage, stopping to stare a moment at Malkorok as he goes, then exits as well.  Jaina’s gaze never moves from Malkorok.

JAINA:  We’ve all lost a great deal to this conflict…  <looks back over her shoulder>  All of you…leave us.

The Alliance members trickle out; Shaw is the last one to linger at the edge of the stage.

SHAW:  Um, actually, strictly speaking, there isn’t anyplace for us to go to anymo—

JAINA:  Get OUT, Mathias.

SHAW:  Random swamp wandering it is, yes ma’am.

Shaw exits.

JAINA:  You should go too, Thrall.

THRALL:  I suspect there are more than a few pieces to pick up back in Orgrimmar.

JAINA:  You should go help pick them up, then.

THRALL:  I’m sorry for your people, Jaina.

JAINA:  A lot of us are sorry.  Or will be.

Thrall releases Malkorok and starts to walk away.

MALKOROK:  The great Warchief!  That’s it, is it?  You side with this human over your own kind!

THRALL:  <continuing to walk away without looking back>  You are not my kind, Malkorok.

Thrall exits.

MALKOROK:  Don’t you walk away from me when I’m—

Malkorok starts to move toward Thrall but is stopped when Jaina unleashes her fireball on the ground in front of him, cutting off his path with a wide patch of flame.

JAINA:  Malkorok, is it?  I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced.  I’m Jaina Proudmoore.  <summons another fireball in her hand>  I think it’s time we had a long, long – terribly long, really, and maybe unnecessarily slow – talk.

The curtain closes.  Just as it does, a bright red flash can be seen through the heavy cloth, accompanied by an orcish voice crying out.  The remaining stage lights go out.

West Azeroth Story, Act 2

The curtain rises to reveal Grommash Hold, where Garrosh is conferring with Eitrigg and Malkorok.

EITRIGG:  I still do not like this plan, Warchief.  Thrall would never—

MALKOROK:  Thrall is not here, old man.

EITRIGG:  No…indeed he is not.

GARROSH:  This battle will secure the supremacy of the Horde on this continent, Eitrigg, and do it without any loss of men or material.

EITRIGG:  If you succeed, Warchief.  If you do not—

GARROSH:  Do you doubt that I can defeat that human, Eitrigg?

MALKORK:  Rest assured, old man, the Warchief will prevail.  And even if the impossible happens…well, suffice to say: We are the Horde.  Even when we lose, we win.

EITRIGG:  What is that supposed to—?

Garona runs in.

GARONA:  Warchief!  I’ve just returned from Blackrock Mountain!

MALKOROK:  What were you doing there, rogue?

GARROSH:  I sent her, Malkorok.

GARONA:  I investigated, just as you asked, Garrosh.

MALKOROK:  What could you possibly have to investigate in that place?

GARROSH:  Mokvar.

MALKOROK:  That scribe?

EITRIGG:  What would Mokvar be doing in Blackrock Mountain?

GARROSH:  Good question.  What WAS he doing there, Garona?

GARONA:  Meeting the human woman, Warchief.

GARROSH:  <grumbles>  I was afraid of that.  What did you find out?

GARONA:  I wasn’t able to hear much.  Something about someone being untouchable…and assassins…

GARROSH:  Assassins?

GARONA:  I could make out Mokvar saying they would both be in trouble if anyone found out about them…

MALKORK:  The bastard spoke true there.

GARONA:  And I think they’re planning to meet again.

GARROSH:  Oh good, another rendezvous for the lovebirds…

MALKOROK:  More like conspirators, Warchief.  Traitors!

EITRIGG:  But traitors to whom, if they’re afraid of angering both Horde and Alliance?

MALKOROK:  That insipid notetaker was already a traitor the moment he set his gaze on that pink-skinned harlot!

GARONA:  He certainly seemed concerned about her welfare.

MALKOROK:  He should worry more about his own.

EITRIGG:  I would remind you, we still don’t really know what Mokvar is doing.

GARROSH:  We know enough to put me in a rotten mood.  It would have been bad enough if he were merely having some…revolting affair with this human.  But the thought that they might be up to something more than that makes my head spin.

 

{I FEEL CRANKY}

GARROSH:

I feel cranky,
And quite frankly,
Hanky-panky is rankly dismissed.
And I’ll thank ye
Not to get me any further pissed.

I feel surly,
My head’s swirly,
Not too early for a burly street brawl.
And quite surely
Tonight Varian is going to fall.

See this angry orc in the war room here?
Wonder how he got so enraged.
Such a cranky mood,
Such a cranky face—

GARONA:

Such a—

GARROSH:

               Shut up, you,
I won’t be upstaged!

I feel vengeful
And vindictive
My revenge will be strict; give this vibe:
I’m betrayed
By a frankly traitorous scribe! 

EITRIGG:

Will you reconsider this, Warchief?
We do not know nearly enough.
You’ll just set yourself up for more grief;
For all we know, Mokvar’s just affecting a bluff.

You think he’s allured?
You think you’re betrayed?
How can we be sure
What game he has played?

I plead with you, sir –
You’re so full of wrath.
You once relieved Krom’gar;
Don’t follow his path.

MALKOROK:

Keep silent, old man,
Lest you suffer!
That scribe has done
More than enough, sir.

Deceitful and vain,
Disloyal as well;
His open disdain
He’s proven full well!

GARROSH:

I feel vicious,
And malicious.
This seditious orc surely will pay.
And my wish is
I could get my hands on him today. 

GARONA:

La la la la…

GARROSH:

I feel spiteful.
I feel hostile.
But tonight we’ll accost all our foes.
While you flank me,
I’ll give Varian one on the nose.

GARONA:

La la la la…

GARROSH:

See this angry orc in the war room here?

MALKOROK:

Yes, sir, rightly so!

GARROSH:

You know how he got so pissed off.

EITRIGG:

Sir, I still say—

GARROSH:

Such a cranky mood,
Such a cranky face—

EITRIGG:

Please, sir, think again—

GARROSH:

Don’t make me scoff!

MALKOROK:  Hah!

GARROSH:

Now I’ll partake,
Feel my rage burn;
Soon Mokvar’ll take a turn for the worst.
But tonight
The Alliance is getting theirs first.

MALKOROK:  Hah!  Music to my ears indeed, sir!  Tonight the Alliance finally pays for their insolence, and then we can deal with that insipid, traitorous scribe!

GARROSH:  Come along, Malkorok, let’s gather the others and begin the march to the Barrens.

MALKOROK:  Of course, Warchief.

GARROSH:  Eitrigg, watch over Orgrimmar in our absence.  We’ll return soon enough for the first of many victory celebrations.

Garrosh and Malkorok exit.

EITRIGG:  <watching them go>  I do not know if it was a curse or a blessing that Grom did not live to know his son…

GARONA:  The Alliance would be only too happy to wipe us out as well, Eitrigg.  Don’t forget how many times Varian has called us monsters.

EITRIGG:  And I do not object to defending ourselves against him.  But I would prefer not to do so by proving him right.

Mokvar enters.

Mokvar!

GARONA:  You!

MOKVAR:  Eitrigg, I need to—

Mokvar slumps over as Garona darts around and saps him from behind.

EITRIGG:  Garona, what are you doing?!

GARONA:  Incapacitating the traitor before he has a chance to—

EITRIGG:  To what?  Write us a mean letter?

GARONA:  Garrosh would have wanted us to—

EITRIGG:  Garrosh isn’t here.  And we have long since gotten out of the habit of honoring the wishes of our Warchiefs in their absence.

Eitrigg eyes Mokvar carefully.

I would like to hear what he has to say for himself.

A dim spotlight, stage left, illuminates Garrosh and Malkorok marching through Orgrimmar gathering Liadrin, Faranell, Dontrag, Utvoch, and other assorted Horde mainstays.

A moment after the Horde activities come into view, a second dim spotlight, stage right, illuminates Deliana talking in pantomime with Jaina Proudmoore in a Theramore tower.  An additional spotlight below them shows Varian making his way among Alliance troops, gathering some – Falstad Wildhammer, Mathias Shaw, Shandris Feathermoon – to join him, while directing others – Horran Redmane, Marcus Jonathan, Tarlen Aubrey – to posts within Theramore.

At center stage, Mokvar regains consciousness and looks around, briefly disoriented.

MOKVAR:  I would ask what that was for, but I think I already know that the answer would be.

GARONA:  Shouldn’t you be in Blackrock Spire with your lady friend?

MOKVAR:  So I’m guessing Deliana and I weren’t the only ones in Blackrock.

GARONA:  Sorry if I was spoiling your privacy.

EITRIGG:  Garona, enough.

GARONA:  Ugh, fine.

MOKVAR:  Has Garrosh heard?

EITRIGG:  Indeed.  You’re fortunate he’s already left for the Barrens…

MOKVAR:  So, how pissed is he, on a scale of one to…well…one to Garrosh…?

GARONA:  Right now I’d say he’s hovering around Garrosh squared.

MOKVAR:  Crap.

GARONA:  Seriously.  He did a whole musical number about it.

EITRIGG:  It likely doesn’t help matters that he has that blasted Malkorok fanning the flames for him.

MOKVAR:  Yeah, that’s part of the problem – why I was going to see Deliana in the first place.  Well, mostly.

EITRIGG:  Mokvar, who is this woman?

MOKVAR:  An old friend, from years before I came to Orgrimmar.  She and I were in a mercenary company called the Veiled Blade.  Years ago, we were hired for a mission in Blackrock Spire.  We fought one of Nefarian’s lieutenants there, a drakonid called Lord Valthalak.  We killed him…mostly…but after we made off with our loot, his spirit sent spectral assassins after us.  That’s when Deliana and I went into hiding – me in Orgrimmar, her in Ironforge.

EITRIGG:  And the rest of your group?

MOKVAR:  Dead.  Mostly, anyway.

EITRIGG:  What business do you have with her now?  And why all the secrecy?

MOKVAR:  Other than her being a human and us being at war?

EITRIGG:  I’m not unfamiliar with unlikely friendships.

MOKVAR:  I’d thought we’d laid this Valthalak business to rest years ago, but now it looks like those spectral assassins are on the move again.  We have no idea why, but we’ve been trying to find out.

EITRIGG:  I wish you’d come to us with this first, Mokvar.  Garrosh has come to consider you a friend, but the news of you sneaking off to meet with this human…

MOKVAR:  Yeah, I know…

EITRIGG:  He’s grown belligerent enough of late, with precious few to counter the whispers of that Malkorok urging him headlong into foolish confrontations.

MOKVAR:  And that’s the other part of this, Eitrigg.

EITRIGG:  What is?

MOKVAR:  Malkorok.  We’ve met before.  <long sigh>  In Blackrock Spire.

EITRIGG:  You what?

MOKVAR:  He can’t be trusted, Eitrigg.  I know he has Garrosh’s ear, and that…that’s a problem.

EITRIGG:  Mokvar, by the spirits, why haven’t you said anything?  Do you have any idea how many of us have prayed for some way to convince Garrosh not to listen to that monster?

MOKVAR:  That’s…a long story.

EITRIGG:  Right now I don’t think we have much time for it.  Garrosh and the devil on his shoulder are on their way to the Barrens now… Mokvar, whatever is in your past, you’ve been nothing but an honorable man since I’ve known you.  Answer me: How sure are you about Malkorok?  That he’s not to be trusted?

MOKVAR:  Rend trusted him all those years ago.  And I can tell you for a certainty – he shouldn’t have.

EITRIGG:  I was already worried about his role in this spirits-forsaken challenge…

GARONA:  You think he has some secret agenda?

MOKVAR:  I wouldn’t put it past him.

EITRIGG:  Then someone has to intervene.  Mokvar, you have to get down there.  I know Garrosh won’t be happy to see you, but if he’s walking into something…

MOKVAR:  I know.

GARONA:  I’ll go with you.  Maybe he’ll listen to me.

MOKVAR:  Does he ever listen to you?

GARONA:  Hey, at least he hasn’t declared his desire to brutally murder me in glorious song in the last fifteen minutes, how about you?

MOKVAR:  Also, weren’t you the one ready to stunlock and kill me yourself just a few minutes ago?

GARONA:  Yes.  And if it turns out that you’re lying, I still can.

MOKVAR:  Reassuring.

GARONA:  Right now, I can either trust you or not.  If I trust you, and I’m wrong, I’ll still be there to stop you and kill you – and don’t think I won’t.  But if I ignore you now, and I’m wrong…

EITRIGG:  We’re losing valuable time.  Hurry, both of you…

MOKVAR:  We will.  Thanks, Eitrigg.

EITRIGG:  You can thank me by not proving me a sentimental old fool for trusting my instincts on you.  Go quickly now – lok’tar.

MOKVAR:  Lok’tar.

GARONA:  Ogar.

Mokvar and Garona exist and Eitrigg begins to pave the room as the lights dim and the curtain closes.

 

{TO BE CONTINUED IN ACT 3}