Monday mailbag

So I was finally able to get a decent internet connection going again, long enough to get my mail sorted out, and I figured since I have a decent bunch of letters from you peeps, and I haven’t offered any mailbag love for a while, I might as well do just that.  Because you know me – your Warchief is nothing if not all about the love.

 

Hail, Warchief!

It’s my first weekend back in Silvermoon in I don’t know how long, and man, is the mood different around here these days. Whether you’re going to think that’s good news or bad news depends on how you interpret that.

Remember my first letter? The one where I was basically advocating high treason against the Regent-Lord? A lot of us used to be dissatisfied that he was doing a whole bunch of nothing. The impression around here, at least if you believe the spin from the Silvermoon Star-Tribune, is that the Regent-Lord’s approval numbers are way up since he started getting jiggy with it down in Pandaria. Yes, the Star-Tribune is calling what Lor’themar’s doing down there “decisive leadership” and “proactive management”. And the public seems to be buying it.

Either that, or they’re just glad that he’s somewhere else, and hoping he eats a Mogu hammer somewhere along the way. That’s the other way to look at it.

To be honest, I’m not sure which one I’m buying, yet. That’s something I’ll have to think about when I get back to Pandaria.

–A Concerned Citizen

Hey, ACC.  You know, my first reaction here is that people probably ARE a little happier about Lori because he’s been away.  Problem is, if that were true, you’d think that I would start finding him less annoying since he’s gone BACK to Silvermoon recently.  But…nope.  He high-tailed it out of Pandaria, then promptly made a big ol’ cluster fuck of that whole business with the sha box…and the less said about the sideshow going on in my Earth Online guild, the better.  I suppose it’s still a LITTLE less irritating, but only because I don’t have to listen to him live and in person.  At least until he comes strolling back down here again.

Also, not for nothing, but are you sure the reports in your little dorky newspaper are reliable?  Who’s doing the writing?  It’s amazing what a little propaganda can do for a ruler’s perception.  Or so I’ve heard.

 

Dear Warchief,

I’ve been following some of your interactions with Lord Theron and I was wondering if you limited your observations to him or if you think all Blood Elves are like that.

I’ve been in Pandaria just about since the beginning (but I can’t explain how Anduin got away–that was General Nazgrim’s job, not mine) and have tried to do my part for the Horde.  Also: Pandaren don’t seem to have barbers.  Anywhere.  Not a one on this damn continent.  You should give us credit for coming here anyways even with that sacrifice.

Respectfully,

–Vyrin Dawnstar, Shrine of Two Moons, Pandaria

P.S: If anyone told you about Anduin and the Temple of the Red Crane, I deny it all.  Not me.  Nope.  Must’ve been someone else helping him.  If that hasn’t been brought to your attention yet, please ignore this part.

Hmm…  Well, Vyrin, I guess that depends on what you mean by “all blood elves are like that.”  I mean, like what?  Spindly and break-easy-ish?  Because, well, sorry, but you guys kind of are.  A little too preoccupied with the uber-luxurious hair?  I refer you to your second paragraph.  (By the by, I think the lack of barbers in Pandaria is because the pandas just shed.  Can you imagine the cleanup crews you’d need in Silvermoon if the elves were like that?)  That said, I DON’T think all blood elves are like ol’ Eyepatch in the absolutely-completely-utterly-useless department.  I mean, Lady Liadrin has always struck me as pretty sharp and on top of things, and…um…okay, give me a minute here, I’m sure I can come up with a second example.

Hang on.

Um…

Okay, I’m going to have to get back to you on this, but seriously, I’ve got a…reasonably strong suspicion there’s at least one more I can name.

Also, though, what?  Anduin at the Temple of the Red Crane?  I’ve heard some scouting reports about that Red Crane place, actually.  I may have to do some followup on that place…

 

My Dearest Warchief,

That scar on your lip is so sexy. It makes you look very manly and tough. I’ve been wondering though how you got it. I’m sure there is some extraordinary tale of bravery and valor associated with it. I’d like to hear it.

Your devoted admirer,

–Wega

Hoo boy.  Here we go again with Wega.  So…yeah… For those of you who maybe haven’t noticed, Wega is talking about the scar I have on the right side of my upper lip:

So, okay, I know you’d probably figure I got the scar from some glorious battle, or one of the times I’ve squared off with Varian, or something else like that, but as it turns out, it was really more of a fluke injury.  One night about a year and a half ago, give or take, I was trying to reorganize some of my junk in Grommash Hold, and I was stashing a couple boxes of stuff on a high shelf.  While I was stretching up to reach the shelf, I lost my footing and fell over.  Now, ordinarily that wouldn’t have been a big deal, except it just so happened that Mortimer was there with me, and was curled up on the floor sound asleep.  Until I slipped and fell, and landed right on top of him, and he was so startled that before he knew what was going on, he snapped at me.  And, yeah, got a nice chunk of my lip.

So, that was fun.

Gotta say, though, in a way it was kind of endearing afterward – once Mortimer knew what was going on, he DID act all sad and apologetic, and spent the next few days following me around trying to make nice.  Once again, wyverns are better people than most people.

Now granted, having my lip cut open by wyvern fangs wasn’t exactly fun, but depending on how you look at it, I still don’t think I’ve gotten the worst of it from Mortimer.  That honor probably goes to Malkorok.  A few weeks ago, I was talking to Malkorok while I was getting ready to leave the Sanctum of Two Moons, then walked past him to the landing platform out front.  Mortimer was following along behind me, and just as he was passing Malkorok, Mortimer stopped, lifted one leg up…and fucking peed on him.  Oh man, you should have seen the look on Malky’s face.  Especially when I pointed out, “Dude, considering what that usually signifies for a wyvern, you LITERALLY just got owned.”

Heh.

Hehehe.

<snort>

 

Mr. Garrosh, sir!

I want to thank you for helping us DPS kids and, you know, stuff.

I have a question though.

What happened to all your hair? I saw pictures of you and you had hair at one time, but now you don’t. Do you plan to grow your hair again? How would you wear it?

–Ruekie, Shaman-in-Training, Domination Point

What is this, fucking “Everybody Ask Garrosh to Explain His Personal Appearance Week”?

Oh, wait, hang on, it’s one of the kids.

What is this, blankety-blank “Everybody Ask Garrosh to Explain His Personal Appearance Week”?  You kids – DO NOT read that first part from a couple lines up, YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

Anyway, yeah, Ruekie, I used to have a ponytail, right up through my time in Northrend.  I wore my hair like that going all the way back to when I was a kid.  To tell you the truth, it was pretty much the best of iffy options, as far as something I could do with my hair that would look maybe-sorta decent.  See, while Grom had a really thick, full mane of hair, I guess I must have gotten mine from my mom’s side of the family, because my hair was always fairly coarse and stringy and just…patchy all over my scalp.  Even as a kid, I pretty much had the beginnings of male pattern baldness going.  And really, it shouldn’t come as that much of a surprise that I wouldn’t have that great of a head of hair – you know the old saying, grass doesn’t grow on a busy street.

Anyway, the ponytail was just a way to yank it all together that didn’t look flat-out terrible.  Eventually, when I moved to Orgrimmar, I figured the hell with it and just cut it off.  Which first of all, is much more low-maintenance.  No more spending ten minutes every morning tugging it all together and trying to bind it up and then having the band be too loose so you start feeling it slipping out little by little all morning, or getting that one strand caught halfway through the pull-through and then feeling your roots getting pulled every time you look to one side, or…ugh, yeah, whatever.  Way easier this way.  Not to mention it’s way more practical in battle – it’s one less thing to get caught somewhere, and one less way for an enemy to grab you from behind.

Besides, much better to just embrace the baldness and go with it, rather than try to compensate with something that looks maybe-not-quite-terrible-if-you-squint-a-little.  This way, it just announces to the world, “Yes, I’m bald.  DEAL WITH IT.”  Confidence is very sexy, don’t you think?

(Maybe I shouldn’t have put it that way.  I can hear Wega scribbling out another letter as we speak…)

 

Heya Garrosh,

Cool little web form you have here.  Sometimes those techie goblins do have some good ideas.  (Not often, but sometimes.)

Anywho, my question for you this week is this: If you were to retire from warchiefin’ tomorrow, who would you choose as your successor and why?

Thanks!

–Kaija

You know, Kaija, this is actually a pretty decent question.  For all the good things about the Horde, we don’t really have a clear line of succession.  I mean, obviously if I were going to retire – presumably years down the road when I’m a gray-haired (FIGURE OF SPEECH, RUEKIE, DON’T GET EXCITED) old man basking in the triumphant glow of my many glorious victories – I would be in a position to sit back, think it over, and pick out an appropriate successor as Warchief.  But what if something happens before I have the chance to?  What if I get sick or injured?  What if somebody decides it would be a bright idea to throw me a surprise party for my 70th birthday, and the ol’ ticker finally gives out?  What if – I know this is a long shot, but still – what if I die in battle somehow before we even get to the wrinkly stage?  What then?  WHAT THEN, I ASK YOU?

So, it’s probably not a bad idea to put a little thought into who a good successor would be, and maybe establish that that person is next in line, just in case something happens.

And then, you know, make it very clear to that person that I’ve left the Kor’kron with special instructions to follow in the event that I should die under circumstances that are in any way even remotely fishy.  Such instructions including, but not limited to, the agonizingly slow execution of the successor, their siblings, their friends, their relatives, their next-door neighbors, and anyone who’s ever been seen being polite to them in public.

You know.  Just FYI.

Anyway, we might as well be systematic about this, so I’m going to review some of the likely candidates to follow me as Warchief – and just for shits and giggles, I’m going to group them into suitable categories and even give my best estimate at their odds of getting the nod.  Place your bets now.

 

THE “OH SNAP DID I SAY THAT” DIVISION

VOL’JIN
1,000,000 to 1

Not really an option, because guess what, bitches?  HE’S DEAD.  HAHAHA <snort> that cracks me up more than it probably should.

 

THE “I GUESS I’M OBLIGATED TO AT LEAST MENTION THEM” DIVISION 

JASTOR GALLYWIX
999,995 to 1

I mean…I guess he’s technically leader of the Bilgewater goblins, but… Well, like, does anybody even know where the fuck he IS half the time?  I’m pretty sure the only times I’ve ever seen him were at the meeting of Horde leaders to prepare for the Theramore attack, and the celebration in Orgrimmar afterward.  And, well, with the meeting, I pretty much sent notices to every goblin I could think of and then crossed my fingers hoping that word would reach him.  And at the celebration…yeah, mountains of free food and booze, so of course he was going to show up for that.  Honestly, I don’t get why the guy’s so low-profile.  He had a fucking pleasure palace built in Azshara, and you can’t even find him THERE.  Believe you me, if I ever commissioned the construction of Garrosh’s Pleasure Palace, you could call off the search parties, my ass would be there.

Hmm.  Hang on a second, I need to jot something down on next month’s agenda planner.

 

LOR’THEMAR THERON
500,000 to 1

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA… Yeah, sure, this guy as Warchief.  Do I really even need to elaborate here?  Come on.

 

SYLVANAS WINDRUNNER
200,000 to 1

You know, she would actually be a pretty strong candidate – to her credit, she IS intelligent, charismatic, and competent – if she didn’t creep the living FUCK out of everyone.  Not to mention make you worry that she might then replace that aforementioned living fuck with some kind of weird-ass UNDEAD fuck under her control.

 

BAINE BLOODHOOF
150,000 to 1

He’s a great warrior, he takes good care of his people, and you can practically see Cairne when you look in his eyes (not that that makes me at all awkward, no sir).  He’s also freaking Vol’jin Lite what with the bitching and the moaning and the OMG Garrosh how could you.  Because if there’s one thing you don’t want to stand for, it’s actually GOING TO WAR with the people you are ALLEGEDLY AT WAR WITH.  Last thing the Horde needs is a fucking carebear in charge.  And Thrall me no Thralls – Guy Smiley sat on his hands way too much too.

 

THE “I BET YOU DIDN’T THINK I KNEW ABOUT THIS MEME” DIVISION 

A BASIC CAMPFIRE
5000 to 1

HAHA SEE I BET YOU ASSHOLES DIDN’T THINK I HAD A SENSE OF HUMOR ABOUT THAT SHIT.

 

THE “DIDN’T YOU RETIRE LIKE TWENTY YEARS AGO” DIVISION

DREK’THAR
500 to 1

Chieftain of the Frostwolf clan and friend to Durotan way back in the day.  Lived through the corruption of the orcs, but refused to drink the blood of Mannoroth – granted it was largely because Durotan ordered the Frostwolves not to, but it still shows a certain level of principle AND loyalty to his clan all at the same time.  Greatmother speaks about him just fondly enough to make me feel uncomfortable.  The main down side, other than being blind and spending most of his time getting rolled around in a wheelchair by Captain Galvanger these days, is that since the Cataclysm…well…not to be mean, but let’s face it.  Dude has just gone batshit senile.  And that’s not even getting into the whole thing with him shitting himself.  I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again.  Old age is not kind.

 

EITRIGG
200 to 1

He’s been around for ages, advised both me and Thrall, has watched over Orgrimmar while I’ve been down here in Pandaria, and has always been staunchly devoted to the well-being of the Horde.  If we had some kind of lifetime achievement award to dole out, I would sign him up for it tomorrow, even if he DID get a little grumbly with me over the Theramore thing.  Who didn’t, right?  Shows what those fuckers know.  Anyway.  The point is, though, as much as I like Eitrigg, he’s pretty much one of those guys who’s basically a permanent lieutenant.  You know the ones.  Year after year, they’re always second in command to one general after another, and somewhere along the line, after like the fourth guy gets promoted over them to take command, you realize there’s a reason for it.  Perfectly good at his job, but he’s just never going to be suited for the big chair.

Also, if he were in charge, can you IMAGINE how much time freaking Tirion would probably be spending in Orgrimmar?  Do you really want to subject people to THAT?

 

VAROK SAURFANG
100 to 1

Veteran of two wars.  Served as Thrall’s right hand and as my executive officer in Northrend.  He even served as acting Warchief for a little while, that time when I was off the grid.  At the age of nine zillion, he’s still one of the biggest badasses around.  He doesn’t sleep – he waits.  Death once had a near-Saurfang experience.  Mannoroth became more powerful by drinking HIS blood.  There was going to be a street named after him in Orgrimmar, but the plan was canceled for safety reasons because nobody crosses Saurfang and lives.  When warlocks make someone run away in fear, they pay a royalty to him.  He’s considered an honorary shaman because he commands the element of surprise.  I’m at least 50% sure some of these facts are made up.  But you get the point.

So what’s the case against?  You mean, other than at least two or three occasions that he’s threatened to kill me?  You mean OTHER THAN THAT?  Frankly, he’s a holdover from a Horde that’s a thing of the past – too old, too sentimental, too backward-thinking when we’re trying to move our people forward.  Too willing to extend an olive branch to the Alliance when we need to be smashing them over the head with the whole fucking tree.

Mostly the threatening-to-kill-me thing, though.  I don’t want to tempt fate.  (Along similar lines, by the way, fate doesn’t want to tempt Saurfang.)

 

THE “I MIGHT ACTUALLY CONSIDER PICKING ONE OF YOU PEOPLE” DIVISION 

WARLORD CROMUSH
50 to 1

This one is a dark horse candidate, no question.  But the dude did yeoman’s work in Gilneas when he had the thankless job of keeping Sylvanas marginally under control, he’s run a tight ship in Hillsbrad at a time when the Horde finally secured a firm hold on the region, and he’s been our primary command officer in the Eastern Kingdoms going on a couple years now.  The fact that he’s been able to work with the Forsaken with some measure of success is a major plus – yeah, they’re creepy and sketchy and just plain ol’ EEEESH, but they’re handy to have around.  He probably needs some more grooming for higher things, but he’s worked his way into the conversation for future high-profile assignments.

 

MALKOROK
25 to 1

You know, Malkorok really has most of the bases covered: he’s smart, uncompromising, and relentlessly devoted to the Horde, with a sharp tactical mind and an indisputable ability to get shit done.  He’s reshaped the Kor’kron, tightened up security, and demonstrated he’s one of the people you want fighting beside you on the battlefield.  Down side?  Well, let me put it this way.

About a year ago, some goblins tried to start up a business making wyvern food.  They did all kinds of tests to find a good formula for it as far as ingredients, they did focus groups to give it the most appealing packaging, they launched a huge advertising campaign for it and made sure it was easy to find at all the vendors…and absolutely nobody bought it.  How come?  Because for all the things they had going for them and all the effort they put into packaging it just right…wyverns just didn’t like it.

Draw your own conclusions.

 

GENERAL NAZGRIM
10 to 1

You all know this guy, and have probably worked with him on at least an occasion or two.  And really, if being Warchief was purely a military matter, this would probably be the guy.  He’s an excellent strategist and tactician, he adapts well on the fly, and since he came up through the ranks the old-fashioned way (I remember him serving under me in Northrend as a piddly-ass sergeant…and to put that in perspective, remember, freaking DONTRAG made sergeant), he appreciates what it’s like to be one of the grunts in the trenches and isn’t afraid to get in there and get his hands dirty by their side.  Okay, there was that whole disaster where he shit the bed on security and let Anduin get away, but maybe he can delegate.  But here’s the thing: being Warchief isn’t solely a military job.  It’s also the political head of the Horde, which means that as Warchief, Nazgrim would essentially be steering the ship of state.  And, well…we all know what happens when that guy gets near a ship.

 

WARLORD ZAELA
5 to 1

Leader of the Dragonmaw and a no-kidding-around badass warrior.  She took command of the Dragonmaw clan after helping to overthrow the nutjob “Warchief” Mor’ghor – gotta admire someone who has the stones to take down a corrupted leader for the good of the clan.  She was new to leadership at the time, and I’ll admit I was probably a little tough on her in my assessments early on, but she’s really grown into the role, and she’s been stepping up to work on some more projects for me the last few months.  I’ll also admit I might be swayed by seeing how she went about her business in that other world.  Still a little green, though…I mean, green in the “inexperienced” sense.  Not green in the fel-magic-drinky-drinky-demon-blood-grr-rarr-proud-ancient-culture-down-the-drain-oops sense.  Was that insensitive?  Anyway, she could probably stand to have a few more years working closely under the Warchief before she’s in line for the job herself.  But she’s definitely on the rise.

 

WARLORD BLOODHILT
2 to 1

Bet you didn’t see this one coming, did you?  Just goes to show what an outside-the-box thinker your Warchief is.  Hell, sometimes I’m so far outside the box that I don’t even know where the fuck the box is.  What box, anyway?  Fucking metaphors.

Anyhow, some of you might remember Bloodhilt from the southern Barrens, where he assumed command of our operations after former Warlord (and current zombie sous chef) Gar’dul managed to make a giant mess of things down there.  Bloodhilt cleaned up Gar’dul’s fuck-ups, secured our position in the area, and made it possible for us to make our move on Theramore.  Since then he’s made the trip with us to Pandaria, where he’s been commanding officer at Domination Point.  Just a solid, stand-up officer who’s done nothing but impress from day one.  Any way you cut it, you can get used to seeing his name cropping up, because he’s not going anywhere.

 

So, there’s your breakdown.  On that note, I’m going to call it a day as far as answering the mail goes, but keep those letters coming and I’ll try to answer more of your questions as time allows.  Since Spazzle’s form doohickey worked pretty well for this batch of e-mails, here it is again:

Name(required)

Email(required)

Website

Comment(required)

More stupid questions

So you might remember a couple posts ago I talked about being invited by those Klout people to answer their members’ questions about blogging — A WISE MOVE ON THE PART OF KLOUT, I AM SURE YOU WILL AGREE.  (Huh.  I initially typoed “Klout” as “Lout”…can you imagine a place called “Lout.com” wanting my advice?)  I answered a bunch of questions for you, like I showed you all here, and even though I never heard anything back from them, I’m sure they appreciated my Warchieferous insight, because lo and behold, they’re at it again.

Yes, the Klout people have sent me another batch of questions to answer from their members, and hey, I couldn’t deny you people of my insight, so here we go.

 

What do you think are the best blogging tools and why?

I’m very big on the computer and keyboard, because I find paper and quill just make for a lot of busywork as far as distributing the posts to all my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS.  That and my hand cramps up a lot that way.  Actually my hand cramps up a lot when I’m online anyway, but the less said about that the better.  (HI, GREATMOTHER.)

 

What’s the easiest way to live blog an event and why?

Oh man, have you come to the right place.  When the event begins, start typing.  Hit “update” every now and then.  When it’s over, stop.  Also, try to make sure you’re not within range of Nozdormu’s why-fly, because timey whimey really fucks up your chronology.  Also make sure your tech goblin actually KEEPS VARIAN THE FUCK OUT THIS TIME BECAUSE WTF.

 

Do you think that it is important for businesses to have active blogs? Why or why not?

I think it’s much more important for businesses to have inactive blogs.  Because that sends the message that you’re way too fucking busy doing important shit like, you know, BUSINESS, to waste your day dicking around blogging.

 

Who are the three best bloggers and why?

Me, myself, and I.  Dumbass.  (Dumbass would be you.  Not one of the three best bloggers.  Which are me.  Because I’m at least as pimp as any three other bloggers.)  (Dumbass.)

 

KEEP ’EM COMING, KLOUT.  You’re welcome.

Also, while I’ve got everyone’s attention and I’m in the mood to answer questions, it occurs to me that I haven’t done a mailbag in quite a while, so let ,encourage you all to write in with any questions you might have for your Warchief.  To make it a little easier, in fact, I’m even going to try out this new doohicky that Spazzle says he build into the blog, so you folks can have an easier time sending in your letters…

Name(required)

Email(required)

Website

Comment(required)

Well looky there.  Shiny.

Also on the topic of receiving things from my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS, I just got a little goodie the other day that I just had to share with you all.  Those of you who follow me on Twitter (and for those of you who DON’T — WHY THE FUCK NOT?) might have noticed a few days ago I had a little back-and-forth with Sylvanas and Lor’themotherfucker.  Based on some of the…um…discussion we were having, loyalreaderandminion @RakaelWhispers put together this little gem and sent it along.  I thought you peeps would enjoy:

 

[A quick(ish) OOC note:  Apologies -- once again -- for becoming so inactive with the blog lately.  The last few weeks have been keeping me very busy with work, and even when I've had some down time, I often haven't had the mental energy to assemble something worth posting.  This has been compounded by the fact that blog continuity has reached a point at which the next post HAS to be a comic that I've had planned for a while.  (Unless I decide to try to do one more rap battle.  Which I might.  Don't try me.)  (Teasing preview: Dontrag and Utvoch feature heavily.  Plus an old mailbag friend makes a first-time comic-form appearance.)  (No, not Bob.)  (Parentheses are fun, aren't they?)  I'm doing my best to get the comic finished soon, but I don't want to promise a specific day and then fall short; I'm hoping I can count on your continued patience.  As always, I appreciate everyone's interest and feedback, and I'll be working as best I can to get the story rolling again before everybody gets too sick of waiting.]

Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge: EPIC VERSE live blog

Those of you who were reading the blog last year at this time will remember Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge – when, in honor of National Poetry Month, I called upon my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS to give me suggestions for a whole slew of EPIC VERSE masterpieces.  You all stepped up to the plate (well, those of you who were here at the time…and for those of you who weren’t, WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?), and we had a month full of EPIC VERSE goodness.

This year, as I announced a couple weeks ago, I’m continuing the Poetry Challenge tradition with a live blog.  Yes, that’s right, it’s the SECOND ANNUAL Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge – sure to be an annual tradition for years and years to come.

For tonight’s lyrical explosion of spontaneous awesomeness, I’m once again calling on you all to inspire your Warchief.  Here’s how this is going to work: when this post goes live, you’re all invited to use the comments to post your ideas and suggestions – you can give topics, themes, characters, turns of phrase, ANYTHING you think might make for a good starting point to give me ideas for what I’m going to write.  (Try to keep your suggestions here in the comments, rather than Twitter/Facebook/wherever, so your fellow readers and I can see them all in one place.)

Starting at 8:00 PM EDT, I’ll begin the live blog by adding to this post.  At that point, I’ll start composing a new EPIC VERSE masterpiece (or masterpieces?) based on the suggestions you’ve given.  Feel free to keep offering new ideas as we go along – I might incorporate new suggestions into the poem I’m writing, or maybe use them for ANOTHER new poem before the night is out.  We’ll just see how it goes.  In any case…once the live blog has started, keep refreshing this page.  I’ll be adding to the post incrementally as I write, and you’ll get to watch your Warchief’s latest EPIC VERSE composed right before your eyes, in progress.

Kind of like getting to see how the sausage gets made.  If the sausage was made from the ground meat of the SUPER AWESOME UBER-BEAST RAISED IN THE PARADISE FIELDS OF GENIUS AND FED A STEADY DIET OF SOLIDIFIED PERFECTION AND BADASSERY.

*  *  *  *  *

Okay, kids, the show’s about to begin.  I’m going to take a moment and take a look at what we’ve got for suggestions so far, and maybe give the latecomers a minute or two to get their initial suggestions in before I get rolling.  Keep the ideas coming as we go, and I may still work them in as I’m able…

Remember, keep refreshing this page to watch the live blog unfold in progress.

*  *  *  *  *

The Dontrag and the Utvoch came
To celebrate the season,
And brought such pain to any brain
Imbued with any reason.

The Dontrag and the Utvoch asked
The Warchief for permission
To undertake — for sure, half-baked –
A Noblegarden mission.

The Dontrag and the Utvoch told
The Warchief of their plan:
To gather eggs from hopping legs
That bounced around the land.

The Warchief, for his part, approved,
And told them to proceed.
(He thought, of course, the only source
For this could be felweed.)

The Dontrag and the Utvoch ran
Across the Four-Winds Valley,
And high and low sought eggs to go
Into their final tally.

Then near a burrow, D&U
Saw wrigglin’ and squirmin’,
When to the ground, with mighty bound
Leapt out a giant virmen.

The Dontrag cried, “Move fast, Utvoch!
Don’t let it run off!  Grab it!”
For sure, he thought, they had just caught
The Noblegarden Rabbit.

The Dontrag and the Utvoch pounced
And lunged with all their might –
Though in no story was their quarry
Such a daunting height.

They found the Rabbit’s fury one
That not a one surpasses,
So by the end, their hoppy friend
Had badly kicked their asses.

The Warchief, when the pair returned,
Was unsure, sad or funny,
Which best to say, to know that they’d
Been beat on by a bunny.

The Dontrag and the Utvoch mused,
“At least we didn’t die.”
And down they sat on asses fat
And dined on humble pie.

EPIC V—

That was weak.

…

The FUCK?  Who the hell is this?!

What, you still don’t recognize me, Hellscream?  I thought you were good at spotting me online now.

Wait, don’t tell me this is—  Hang on.

SPAZZLE!

What’s up, boss?

The likelihood of me drop-kicking your green ass back to the Lost Isles, for starters.

That’s it.  Throw another hissy fit and alienate even more of your own people.  That’s a formula for success.

Oh…oh no.  Don’t tell me Varian broke into the blog again.

OH I’M TELLING YOU EXACTLY THAT, MOTHERFUCKER

Have you considered anger management classes, by the way?

What the hell happened to the SECURITY thingywhatsises you were supposedly building into the blog, like, FOREVER ago?

Ugh.  It must be that wireless connection you have down there.  I TOLD you Grizzle didn’t know how to set up a reliable network above the level of aluminum cans and some string.

Goddammit.  Well try to get him out of here, will you?  I’ve got a live blog to do.

You mean this exhibition of fail?  Hah.  I couldn’t pass up the chance to look in a watch you make an even bigger jackass of yourself than usual.

Hey, don’t be jealous just because I actually know how to string a few words together, human.

Actually, you know what?  Go ahead and be jealous of that.  Also of all the fans I have, who’ve turned out to bask in the brilliance (BACK ME UP HERE, PEOPLE).  And, oh yeah, of how much smarter and better-looking and all-around more awesome I am.

Hellscream, I haven’t done any writing since I was a kid—

I notice you’re not counting your own blog there.

—but even I could do better than these dimwitted nursery rhymes you’re spewing out.

You know what, asshole?  YOU’RE ON.  Let’s see what you’ve got.

CUE THE AMBIGUOUSLY THIRD-PERSON LEAD-IN!

*  *  *  *  *

EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

GARROSH HELLSCREAM

VS.

VARIAN WRYNN

BEGIN!

*  *  *  *  *

Come on, bring it, Hellscream – hope you’re ready to lose.
I’m pretty sure a basic campfire could rhyme better than you.
I’m the king!  The boss!  I was born to rule!
Thrall took his Doomhammer and left the orcs with a tool.
While I was ruling orc arenas with my wolf-god-modding
You were a whiny emo bitch busy whining and sobbing.
I’ll crush you, Garrosh, and add it to our duel triple feature
’Cause I’m the High King – you’re just a substitute teacher.

I’ve got no time for your Alliance propaganda,
Gonna beat you down so hard you’re gonna think I’m a panda.
You’re facing Garrosh, Lo’gosh – I was put here to pwn ya.
My dad killed Mannoroth; yours got ganked by Garona.
So the Warchief will pour grief and settle some scores:
I’m taking the lok’tar, all the ogar is yours.
No “either/or” in the fate that you deserved:
Crushed beneath the Horde – AND the one getting served.

Sure, hide in daddy’s shadow – I knew you’d bring up Grom,
I don’t remember that he ever had to use a mana bomb.
You’re on your own now, worried yet?  ’Cause your lackeys you’re lackin’ –
You’re not getting bailed out now by your magnataur and kraken.
I’m coming with a gag order, I’ve had more than enough,
You’re so much talk, even your howling axe won’t ever shut up.
You’ve got a skull that’s all tiny, and your jaw’s extra large –
Between your mouth and your brain, I guess that shows who’s in charge.

You’re one to talk jaws, Chin-Boy, yours could carve out a mogu,
I’d call you Scarface but you’ve got no friends to say hello to.
Your scars and fail and ponytail – you’re like Lor’themar Lite.
I’ll bake your pride in lemon squares: here, swallow both in one bite.
You’re defensive, apprehensive; I’m offensive, gone berzerker –
I bet Tiffin cut you off, that’s why you had to screw your workers.
My rhymes are terse and yours are worse, so curse and next time go rehearse,
Now FUCK YOU, VARIAN – that’s

EPIC

fucking

VERSE

<drops mic and walks away like a boss>

…

*  *  *  *  *

WHO WON?

WHO’S NEXT?

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

 

[Thanks for coming, everyone.  More weirdness soon...]

Mutiny!

Since we finished with Shan Kien a few days ago, I’ve been back at Domination Point, partly checking in on things there with Warlord Bloodhilt and General Nazgrim, and partly giving myself a break from Baine and Lor’themotherfucker.  Maybe if I leave them alone with each other, they’ll have no option but to bitch and moan at each other until one of them reaches bitch-and-moan critical mass and spontaneously combusts.  Not likely, I know, but it’s a little dream I have.

As part of my much-needed recuperation time, I finally managed to get Earth Online set up on my computer here.  The internet here at the base is still kind of spotty – I’ve been having to pick my spots as far as when I can blog for the entire time I’ve been here – but Grizzle Gearslip tells me the connection should be stable enough now that I shouldn’t have any trouble getting some gaming in.

 

You have logged on.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  what about blurry vision?  slurred speech?

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  oh hey

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well well, look who we have here!

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  no

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  it’s probably not one of ours, then.

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  I hope you feel better, ji

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Hey people

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  You sense of humor is, as always, most amusing, Doctor.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  anyway, does anyone have a level 30 something they’d like to team up with?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  But you should be wary of making such jokes, as they may only encourage some to believe we’re actually pursuing such untoward efforts as the creation of plague.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  actually never mind, i should probably get going

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  see you later, ji

[EdwardBear | Ji] has logged off.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  yeah, i can’t imagine where anyone would get that idea about us.

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  has garona gotten there yet?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Huh this is weird…

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  What is, Warchief?

You have been disconnected.

.

.

.

.

.

You have logged on.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  do you think he got mad and logged?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  oh hey, Garrosh

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  welcome back.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well, I suppose we’ll see presently, won’t we.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Ugh

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Thanks, Doc

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  did you see my tell?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Is everything all right, Garrosh?

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  Yeah

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  I just didn’t get a chance to answer

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I think so

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  what happened?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I’m not sure, my connection just went out on me

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well, hopefully it was an isolated hiccup and won’t continue causing you problems.

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  But no, she didn’t get here yet

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  ah ok

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, hopefully

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  Why?

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  just curious

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So anyway, as I was saying

You have been disconnected.

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You have logged on.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  thanks baddie

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  You two are well, I hope.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  PRETTY GOOD THANKS

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  re-wb

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  And back again.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  hi pwn

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  same problem, boss?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  havent seen u in a while

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Pretty much

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Just getting knocked offline randomly

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Quite frustrating, I’m sure.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, I’ve been traveling for work, so I haven’t been able to log on until now

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  what kind of internet connection do you have there?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  yea i know how that goes

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  i’ve been having to travel around some for work too

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  If you’re looking for something more specific than “apparently a bad one,” you’re talking to the wrong guy

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  hmm

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So anyway

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  How interesting, Leslie.  Anything specific you’re working on these days?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Did they change something in the guild management panel?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I’m sure the details would be fascinating.

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  at the bottom of your UI, mouse over the icon that looks like a little planet

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  that will show your network info

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Not that I’m aware of.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Why do you ask?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  lol your always so interested in my work

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  oh boy…

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  Okay, I’ve got it

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I’m just curious about people’s professional experiences.  ^_^

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I’m showing a lot fewer guild management options than I used to

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So I’m wondering if they changed something

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  ok, at the very bottom of that info box there should be a string of numbers and letters

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  lol well theres alot going on here but alot of it i cant really talk about

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  copy that to me

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well, no.  Perhaps you should peruse the guild roster a moment.

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  Hmm, okay…give me a minute…

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  here we go…

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oh but those are the most interesting ones to chat about under the anonymity afforded by the internet.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  well, you’ve established you work in Dalaran.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  well yes

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Hang on, I’m juggling a couple things

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  if it involves magic research i could probably save you some time finding the tomes you need.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  HOW DO YOU FIGURE

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  THX1138-NCC1701-PU36

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  oh man

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  well, based on our conversation the other day, I probably know your libraries a bit better than you.

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  who set up your connection down there?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  your serious

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  my serious what?

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  Grizzle Gearslip

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  Why?  How bad is it?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  no, ‘your serious’ is a question

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay, guild roster

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  no, “you’re serious?” is a question.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  “your serious” is an incomplete noun phrase.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Um.

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  ugh… he’s good with mining and construction

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  …

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Just exactly

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  WHAT

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  THE FUCK

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  IS THIS?

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  but for networking he might as well be trying to put something together with one of those electronics kits from the wonderworks

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  if you don’t want my help, you can just say no.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  What is what, pray tell?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL WHAT

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  HOW exactly is it showing SYLVANAS as guild leader???

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  hoo boy…

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well, there *are* in-game mechanisms for such things.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  When the current leader is offline for a prolonged period.  ^_^

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You fucking OVERTHREW me?!?!

You have been disconnected.

.

.

.

.

.

You have logged on.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  I don’t think he would jsut rage quit

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Ah, here he is.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  wb pwn

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  looks like you’re having connection trouble

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay so AS I WAS SAYING

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You OVERTHREW me??!

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  can’t say I’m surprised you’re having trouble staying on

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You could say that, yeah

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  ^_^

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  So…it’s bad.

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  let me put it this way

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  And hey, hold on, she couldn’t even have DONE this without another officer, so that means either you or Mokvar, Spazzle

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  congratulations, the base hasn’t burned down yet

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  um, well…

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  What’s going on with Mokvar now, anyway?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  It’s funny you should ask, Warchief.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  so yeah staying on topic

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  I was the one who signed off on the dethrone

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I…see

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]:  Fucking hell is THIS what you were talking about???

[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered:  um, what?

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]:  With the “they’re going to turn against you” cryptic bullshit

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  well to be fair, boss, you’d been away for a while and there was no telling when you’d be able to get on again

[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered:  you realize that was another version of me whose memories i don’t share, right?

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]:  UGH FUCKING TIME TRAVEL

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  and your connection right now isn’t exactly helping

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah yeah whatever

[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered:  fucking time travel indeed.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You people have had your fun, now reinstall me before I get on a boat headed north

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oh, very well, Warchief.  If you insist.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I seriously don’t know what the fuck is wrong with people, I look away for a minute and everything turns into a fucking cartoon

[Lorthemar] has logged on.

[Lorthemar] has been promoted to Guild Leader.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  …

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oops.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  YOU’RE FUCKING RIGHT OOPS

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  grats lorthemar!

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  oh this should be good.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  That honestly was a legitimate mistake.  Albeit a funny one.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Oh…wow…really?

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  CONGRATS ON THE PROMOTION LOR

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I was about to click on you to promote you when Lor’themar logged on.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  i will bet you any amount of money you’re not the only person saying “wow, really?” right now.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  And, well, his character name is right ahead of yours alphabetically.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  So…he bumped you down one spot on the guild list, and…

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Well…thank you, guildmates!

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  are you seeing this, lor?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  This is truly an unexpected honor

[Guild][Lorthemar]  But one for which I shall endeavor to prove my worthiness!

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  yay lor!

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I really don’t know what else to say!

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  i know you’ll make a good guild leader =)

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Thank you!

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  guess not

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  He probably doesn’t realize he has to turn on officer chat.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay so seriously

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Oh, hello, Omgipwnedurface.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  yeah probably

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, hello

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So before you get speechifying again, Livindead just made a mistake handing you the reins

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So before you get too excited

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  oh yikes

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Hand them back over

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Oh.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Well, I suppose LivinDeadGrl DOES have more experience as an officer.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  NOT TO HER YOU FUCKING WASTE OF SPACE

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  PROMOTE -ME-

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Fine, fine, let me find where the command is…

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  does anyone know if there’s a popcorn vendor anywhere in game?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Well FIND IT FAST LORI

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  WHILE YOU STILL HAVE ONE EYE TO LOOK WITH

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I’m working on it, calm down…

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  what are u looking for sweetie?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh fuck you, Hair-Care

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Huh.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  WHAT? I’M NOT LOOKING FOR ANYTHING

[Guild][Lorthemar]  You know what?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  oops sorry, that was pwn

[Guild][Lorthemar]  No.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Fuck YOU.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  i thought it was u typing there

You have been kicked out of the guild.

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  jkhfgkjshgfkjysdgkfiuhsdfjkghskgf

You whispered to [Lorthemar]:  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  I know, I know

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] whispered:  My apologies, Warchief.

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] whispered:  I’m trying to calm Lor’themar down now.

[Lorthemar] whispered:  Fuck you, Garrosh

[Proudleslie | Jaina] whispered:  omg what happened?

You whispered to [Lorthemar]:  Oh you REALLY want to die, don’t you

[Lorthemar] is ignoring you.

You whispered to [LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]:  Well now he’s ignoring me

You whispered to [LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]:  So you can tell him to stop being such a tempermental baby while you’re at it

You whispered to [Proudleslie | Jaina]:  Don’t even get me started

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] whispered:  Of course, sir.

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  yeah, he’s pretty upset

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  I don’t know what we’re going to do about GL, but I can invite you back to the guild at least

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  Oh gee thanks

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  I don’t fucking believe this shit

You have been invited to join the guild <Warchief>.

You have joined the guild <Warchief>.

You have been promoted to the rank Recruit.

You have been promoted to the rank Member.

You have been promoted to the rank Officer.

You have been disconnected.

.

.

.

.

.

You have logged on.

[Officer][Lorthemar]  Well that’s just too bad, now isn’t it?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Lor’themar, I understand, but please try to be prudent at least.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  FUCKING HELL

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  wow this is a really bad day for pwn

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  welcome back, boss

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  UGH this is infuriating

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Actually, while we’re inviting, let me bring a friend in as well, if nobody minds.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  sure

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Between the disconnections and Ponytail here all I need is a pickle for the crap sandwich that is my day

[Bob] has joined the guild.

[Bob] has been promoted to the rank Recruit.

[Bob] has been promoted to the rank Member.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  hi bob!

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  WELCOME

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Greetings, Bob!  As Guild Leader, let me welcome you to the guild!

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I’m sure you’ll feel right at home with the <Warchief> tag below your name.

[Guild][Bob]  Tanks, mon!  It’s good ta be here!

[Guild][Bob]  I be lookin’ forward to goin’ on epic missions with lots a ya!

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  This guy seems familiar

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  OH SHIT

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  ^_^

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So…you play EO too, huh?

[Guild][Bob]  Hey, mon!  Do I know ya?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  sigh

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I’ll get you all for this

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  No

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  um

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Nice to meet you

[Guild][Bob]  Good ta meet ya too, OmgipwneduMon!

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  But for now… I’m going to log off before this vein in my forehead bursts

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  quick recommendation, boss?

You whispered to [LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]:  You GET his ass in line, you understand me?

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] whispered:  Of course, dear Warchief.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  next time you log on, if you think you smell burning hair, turn off your computer

[Guild][Bob]  So I got a question if anybody knows.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Fine

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  For the duration, Lor’themar, you might want to change the GL title from what I’d set it as.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Taking off now

[Guild][Bob]  If da Lich King’s horse be Invincible, how come I could see it?

[Officer][Lorthemar]  What’s the title now?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  “Queen.”

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  no no, thats invisible

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  oh man, good thing Garrosh is leaving

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A public service announcement

Greetings, random internet surfer.

Welcome to the Warchief’s Command Board.  Depending on how you found your way here, you may or may not know what this site actually is.  If you don’t, allow me to illuminate.  What you see before you is the personal blog of Garrosh Hellscream, Warchief of the Horde.

No, seriously.  No joke.  This is really Garrosh.  [OOC disclaimer from our legal department: This isn’t really Garrosh.]

If this sounds like something that might interest you, perhaps you’d care to peruse the blog to learn a bit more about it and what kinds of adventures I’ve been detailing thus far.  But I’d like to take a moment here to speak to those of you who already suspect that this site isn’t quite what you had set out looking for.

Greetings again, my good internet denizens.

From your arrival here, I gather that you too are a fan of the Google search engine.  I can’t say I blame you.  I know I’ve found many lemon square recipes that I never would have known about (though admittedly still no match for Greatmother’s) courtesy of the good people at Google.

I’m also happy to have new potential readers find their way here, regardless of how.  So welcome, one and all.

With that said, I suppose I may want to address the concerns that some of you may be feeling at this point.  And yes, I’m afraid you may be in for no small amount of disappointment, my friends.  I regret to inform you that the odds are great that you will not find the true object of your search here.

Because, you see, while I am certainly no friend of Jaina Proudmoore, and while you’ll find no shortage of mockery and outright hostility directed at her from me here, I’m afraid that nowhere in these pages will you find visual evidence of her engaged in carnal acts with livestock.  No cows.  No goats.  Not even a piddling little barnyard dog.

Yes, I know.  In this shameful instance, the Google machine appears to have lied to you.  I am as shocked and dismayed by this as you are.

Likewise, you will not find anything here that you might file under “Jaina Proudmoore captured xxx,” much to the chagrin of at least three of you.  I would of course be only too happy to report the capture of an enemy of the Horde such as Jaina, but I fear that the “xxx” on the end of the search string adds a further wrinkle which renders the already-unlikely scenario much more far-fetched.

Well, okay.  Somewhat more far-fetched.  This is Jaina we’re talking about.  But I digress.

While we’re on the subject, you’re also not going to find “Jaina Proudmoore and Varian porn,” “Jaina and Tyrande porn,” “Jaina Proudmoore Muradin porn” or – despite its rampant popularity – “Jaina Proudmoore and Sylvanas porn.”  Speaking of which, let’s just extend the whole blanket “nope” to any comparable permutations involving Sylvanas.  No Argent Confessor Paletress.  No Liadrin.  No High Inquisitor Whitemane.  No Shademaster Kiryn.  Not gonna happen, people.  Trust me.  I’ve floated a couple of those by her more than once myself.  She’s not biting.  Let it go.

Moreover, whoever among you came here looking for “Jaina Proudmoore climbing pole to victory porn drawing” (yes, really), “pandaren fucked by brown virmen” (yes, really), “broken blood elf statue with vagina showing” (yes, really), “Grimtotem fucking with Mankrik’s wife while Mankrik sees it” (yes, really)…I honestly don’t know what to say to any of you.  Other than perhaps having to offer you some begrudging respect for knowing exactly what you want in your lives.  Horrifying and sad though they may be.

But alas, your simple albeit distressingly specific wishes will not be fulfilled here.  Once again, the perfidious Google machine makes fools of us all.

And whichever one of you found your way here in search of “King Varian Wrynn gets a little diplomatic with Aggra’s butt porn” – and yes, one of you did (you know who are you are) – I can only shake my head sadly and mourn whatever tragedy befell you in childhood.  I would also suggest securing your home, as I suspect there’s at least a passing chance Thrall may be on his way over as we speak.

And, further, nowhere on this blog will you find anything that might be described as “Varian Wrynn raped by devilsaur,” although, let me assure you, language cannot express the delight with which I would provide you with such documentation if I could.

Indeed, the only fleeting glimmer of hope I can offer amid this endless parade of sadness would be whoever came to the blog searching for “man what the f happened Horde” – a sentiment with which I can certainly sympathize, and which I have likely expressed in my posts here on more occasions than one.  Sadly, though, it is a question for which I can offer you no answers, my friend.  I wish I knew what the f happened.  I truly, truly do.

For those among you who are regular readers of this blog, and who might hasten to point out that this very post may well exacerbate this Google hit issue by providing additional suspect phrases for the search engine to latch onto, let me reassure you that I am only too aware of this possibility.  And to any such Google users who do indeed find their way here as a result, I will only say:

Greetings, random internet surfer.  Welcome to the Warchief’s Command Board.  I would tell you that you will leave this site empty-handed, but I suppose that partly depends on how you arrived.

 

Finally, if I might add a closing postscript: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU FUCKING PEOPLE?!?!!

Ugh.

UGH.

MOVING ON.

The fine art of persuasion

So brace yourselves for this one – Lor’themotherfucker’s blood elves, who insisted I give them the chance to interrogate that mogu Shan Kien about the Divine Bell?  Guess what they turned up for us?  ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

I know.  I’ll give you a minute to sit down and recover from the shock.

Recovered yet?  Okay.  Moving on.

Anyway, after I’d given the elves time to establish yet again how completely and utterly USELESS they are, I sent orders for them to deliver Shan Kien over to the Kor’kron up in Kun-Lai summit.  By this point, Regent-Lord Eyepatch was back in Silvermoon on his prolonged post-sha-box crying jag, so I had the good fortune not to have to deal with a whole lot of complaining and protesting from his people when I sent the order.  I had Malkorok go up with his Kor’kron to receive the mogu at Garrosh’ar Advance – a small base we’d set up a ways north of Eastwind Rest – and wait for my arrival.

When I got there, by the way, Malkorok managed to get himself into another one of his cranky moods.  He was eating his lunch at the table we’d set up at the camp, and when I arrived he turned away from it to order the Kor’kron to bring Shan Kien out for me…whereupon Mortimer wandered over and, yep, you guessed it, polished off Malkorok’s food.  Mortimer seemed only too delighted — then again, who can blame him, seeing as I think that sandwich had bacon on it — although Malkorok was not pleased.  But I think he kept himself reined in since he could see what a kick I got out of the whole thing.

Of course, as I was getting ready to leave the Sanctum of Two Moons with Blademaster Ishi, Baine overheard where I was going and decided to tag along to keep an eye on things.  Because…well…I don’t know, I guess he thinks that when you’re dealing with an agent of a malevolent enemy bent on world domination, it’s really super important that you be nice to him.  Or something.

I’ll grant, though, Baine did turn out to be handy.  I put in a little time trying my own brand of charm and persuasion on Shan Kien, but after a while my knuckles were getting sore, and that was when Baine suggested we use some Pandaren concoction called Memory Wine that would let us peek into Shan Kien’s memories and see where the Divine Bell had been hidden.  Which, by the way, um, WHY DIDN’T HE MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT THIS STUFF BEFORE YOU KNOW I BET THAT SHIT WOULD HAVE BEEN HANDY DON’T YOU THINK GUYS?

Ugh.

So, we got a volunteer to try out the Memory Wine, and got a peek of Shan Kien sealing up the Divine Bell in a mogu tomb somewhere along a mountainside.  The whole thing went surprisingly smoothly, other than the fact that while we were using the Memory Wine, it seemed like every couple minutes we had problems with the yaks we had with us suddenly running around all spooked.  Which started getting on my nerves after a while.  Anyway, since Gurtash is sort of our resident artist, I’m having him flown up to work up some sketches of the place to help guide the search parties.  I’m having Ishi stay up here to organize the scouts and coordinate.  Meanwhile, I’m going to check in at Domination Point and maybe look into a contingency plan or two.

Shadow boxing

Well, this just goes to show what I know.

After our whole SNAFU with the sha claw, Regent-Lord Eyepatch went back to Silvermoon to personally supervise his people’s study of that sha box we recovered.  Before he left I tried to impress on him the importance of that project (I believe my exact words were “This is actually important, unlike everything else you’ve ever done in your life, so try not to make a giant fucking mess this one time, Lori”), and after leaving him to his devices a couple days, I sent some people up to Silvermoon to check on him and try to prod things along.

I just received a report back from Eyepatch.  And so, remember last time, how uneasy I was about having to rely on the blood elves for all these important jobs?  All the angsting I was doing over whether they could pull this off, rather than defaulting back to their standard “giant fucking mess” M.O.?  Well, after all that handwringing I was doing, you would probably expect Ponytail’s blood elves to find a way to pull off some spectacular new level of fail.

AND YOU WOULD BE RIGHT.

Let’s even set aside the fact that Ponytail started out crying about how anyone who tried to probe the box magically ended up being affected by powerful, negative emotions, because hey, it’s totally fair for him not to think of that possibility what with him being RIGHT HERE WITNESSING THAT VERY SAME THING HAPPENING WITH THE KOR’KRON NOT THREE DAYS AGO.  But then, we’ve long established that these blood elves aren’t exactly world-beaters when it comes to seeing things coming (DRINK).  So, moving on, witness fuckuppery the next: even AFTER having these problems with the crazy outbursts, Ponytail’s peeps kept plugging away, and ended up releasing some kind of sha creature that had been sealed in the box.  In a room with a couple of his mages and a handful of guards.  And nobody else.

So okay, let’s recap that for those of you keeping score at home.

AFTER traveling around some of the sha and mogu sites in Pandaria…and AFTER being on hand for our failed Kor’kron experiments with the claw… Eyepatch brought the box back home to Silvermoon…so he could stick it in a basement with minimal guard and a grand total of two magic-users on hand to work on it.  And then released a beastie that proceeded to kick the snot out of his generously snotty elves.  To the point that if some of MY people hadn’t been on hand to save the day, that sha thing might still be running roughshod over Silvermoon and we’d be having to get Sylvanas to send a task force over to bail them out.  (And by the way, don’t think for a minute that THAT wouldn’t make half the blood elf population drop a brick in its collective panties – HEY LOOK GUYS THERE’S AN ARMY OF UNDEAD HEADED THIS WAY OH SHIT NOT AGAIN.)

I mean, there are at least half a dozen reasons why that’s just a spectacular steaming heap of fail, but the winner right off the top of my head, I think is… WHY DID YOU EVEN BOTHER BRINGING THE DAMN BOX BACK TO YOUR HOME CITY if you weren’t going to positively SURROUND it with an entire fucking LEGION of your very best troops?  You go to all that trouble for like five guards?  Hey, guess what, Eyepatch, we could have put our sha junk under the watch of five random assholes right here in Pandaria.

LIKE HEY HOW ABOUT THESE GUYS EVEN, REMEMBER THEM?

So yeah, this is what Lori is crying about this week.  Well, today.  The week is still young.  Meanwhile, he’s already sent me four messengers, with each of the last three delivering an extra addendum to his written bitch-and-moan fest.  They’ve been arriving every couple hours, so I’m just imagining him sitting around in whatever palace he has up there (I’m guessing pink features heavily in the décor), sending off a letter, and then as soon as the messenger leaves, grabbing another parchment like “AND HERE’S ONE MORE THING!”

I did send him a response back to the first one.  Although…just to amuse myself, I addressed it to “That guy in Silvermoon, you know, the one with the poofy hair.”  I’m not sure which thought amuses me more: the amount of time it’s going to take them to narrow it down to Ponytail, or the look he’s going to get on his face when he sees it.

I know, I know.  I’m a stinker.

More soon.

“‘Lori’? Seriously?”

Sha-touched

So of course, since Baine arrived here in Pandaria, he managed to get here just in time to bear witness to a frigging spectacular FUBAR with our efforts to make use of that sha claw.  And naturally, Regent-Lord Ponytail had to be on hand too so I could have a nice bitch-and-moan one-two punch.

Like we’d guessed, infusing soldiers with at least some measure of the claw’s sha energy was simple enough.  For these initial experiments, I didn’t want to leave much to chance, so we brought in a half-dozen Kor’kron for the tests.  The idea is that the Kor’kron are the best of the best within the Horde ranks, so they would be most likely to have the strength of will and discipline to maintain control over the sha influence – and these particular Kor’kron weren’t even your garden variety.  I had Malkorok hand-pick the very best of his people.  Razors.  If anyone was going to keep their shit together, it would be them.

Well, those Kor’kron may have been razors, but we wound up taking some razor burn.  All of the soldiers we exposed to the sha claw suffered some severe changes to their behavior.  Some became extremely temperamental.  Some were listless and depressed.  Some turned antsy and paranoid.  And ALL of them became prone to violent outbursts playing off of whatever other mood swings they were going through.  With the help of a few adventurers who happened to be on hand, we managed to slap some sense into the Kor’kron, but that doesn’t change the fact that the whole experiment went down as a pretty dismal failure.

And of course, cue Baine and Ponytail griping and crying and complaining, with an extra side order of holier-than-thou from Baine and estrogen from Ponytail.

I seriously need to find some better fucking minions.

Anyway, it’s becoming pretty painfully apparent that unless Lor’thefucker’s people back in Silvermoon make some breakthrough with the sha box they recovered, we’ve got everything hinging on us finding the Divine Bell so we can gain better control of this sha power.  Which means we’re majorly counting on the blood elves who are working on interrogating Shan Kien.  Which means, any way you cut it, we’ve got everything riding on Ponytail’s people.

Fuck.

Did I mention I SERIOUSLY need to find some better minions?

Memory lane

After the disaster up at Shado-Pan Monastery, Krimpatul and I brought the sha claw that we’d taken from Burzum back to the Sanctum of Two Moons.  I’m hoping that if we examine it and conduct a few experiments, we can figure out a way to draw on that sha power without…you know…the accompanying crazy-going.  While we get going on that, I’m sending Krimp over to Tian Monastery to round up the DPS trainees and bring them back to Domination Point.  Hopefully they managed to pick up a few useful tricks from the monks there.

Oh, but hey, guess who was here to greet us at the Sanctum when we got back?  Baine Bloodhoof, newly arrived in Pandaria.  That’s, like, the best news I could get without there actually being any good news.  Because I’ve been suffering from a severe deficiency in pain in my ass ever since Vol’jin took the big grave-flop…

* Much to his disgruntlement, Garrosh learned of Dezco’s tauren expedition during a planning session for the Dominance Offensive.

** Dezco and Anduin have (some of) this exchange at the Temple of the White Tiger.

 

 

 

[Old Orgrimmar background images provided by Rades from Orcish Army Knife, used here with permission and many thanks.]

Monday mailbag

Before I really get rolling with my investigations in Kun-Lai summit, I figured I’d make a pit stop and check on the mail.  Here’s what we have this time around…

 

Dear Warchief,

I haven’t had the chance to get out to Pandaria yet, but I look forward to joining the war effort soon.  In the meantime, I’m curious, what’s your take on all that Pandaren beer I’ve been hearing so much about?

–Kalaban, Undercity

Thanks for writing, Kalaban.  Gotta say, I’ve been dipping into the local panda brews quite a bit since I’ve been out here (Can you blame me?  Have you SEEN the cast of characters I’ve got surrounding me?), and they’re not bad at all.  It’s really pretty hard for me to give much more of a review than that, because if there’s one thing panda beers have going for them, it’s VARIETY.  They’ve got these lighter, thinner ones that personally I think are almost like drinking water (I’m gonna bet those are pretty popular with the blood elves), all the way up to some serious, heavy-duty, knock-you-on-your-ass brews.  Plus everything in between, including all kinds of flavor varieties.  I guess that’s what happens when half the population seems to work in the brewing industry in one way or another.

And really, quality-wise you can’t complain about any of it.  The ones that are so-so are still totally drinkable.  And the ones that are GOOD?  Man.  They make half the stuff you get during Brewfest seem like you’re drinking carbonated kodo piss.  Speaking of which, I’m almost afraid to imagine what’s going to happen when the pandas get their first look at Brewfest next year, because holy shit.

That’s the other thing you notice about the pandas, I’ve got to say.  Dipping into the beer is so much a part of their culture that you don’t even realize that almost the entire population has a constant, low-level buzz going.  And the funny thing is, yeah, sure, they enjoy drinking and all, but they manage to stay really chill about it, like you never see any angry drunks anywhere (take notes, Tirion).  But it’s also like a cultural expectation that they stay vaguely buzzed even beyond the sheer fun of knocking a few back.  Which, by the way, makes me worry about General Nazgrim going native on us – you may have noticed, dude has this nasty habit of boarding ships and then winding up smashing them to bits, and I’m thinking that trend won’t be helped if he starts getting into the habit of boozing it up to boot.  Not to mention, he’s a general and needs to stay combat-ready.  Can’t have him getting a beer belly on us.

 

Hail Mighty Warchief!

Someone is going around posting this…uhhh….manipulated image of you.  It’s a travesty and demoralizing to the horde! This cannot keep going! I find too many who are laughing at this.

The fool cryptically added FYG and sign it J. I am not sure what that means, but it can’t be nice. Fattening Your Gut? Fondly Yours Garona? (bitch!) F..ff..ffffffuucc…. ooooooh……OH. OOOOHHH! O.O

SIR, THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! I WILL HUNT DOWN THIS…THIS…LESS THAN A PEON WORTHLESS SCUM, SLIT HIS THROAT, AND MAKE A NECKLACE FROM HIS TEETH AS A GIFT TO YOU!

I WILL NOT STAND HAVING SOMEONE MAKE YOU LOOK FATTER THAN JI!

I WILL HUNT DOWN AND KILL EVERY PERSON WHO’S NAME STARTS WITH THE LETTER J STARTING WITH THAT FREAKING BLONDIE BOY JOHNNY AWESOME!

(Like the caps? Me too.)

After all the J’s are dead, their heads hanging of the gates of Ogrimmar,  and the streets flowing with their blood…can we like, go out? I think you’re so cute…even if you have a little bit of a belly. (You may want to take it easy on the pancakes and lemon squares, sir.)

Forever in my Heart,

–Tuekie, Rogue Trainee, Ogrimmar

PS: I’m older than I look. Ok?

Okay, so first of all, just so everybody knows, Tuekie here is one of the Dead Peons Society trainees that I’ve been working with the last few months, part of that whole group Gurtash is in.  She’s actually the twin sister of Ruekie, a shaman trainee I think I’ve mentioned once before.

And yes, I know.  Somebody had twins and named them Ruekie and Tuekie.  And yes, I agree.  Death is too good for some parents.  (Granted, “Ruekie” and “Tuekie” are nicknames, and their original, given names – Rue’kara and Tue’kara – are a little better, but still, come on.  You don’t give your twins names that fucking rhyme.)

Anywhow.  Tuekie here was part of the original group with her sister, but we ended up having her stay back in Orgrimmar rather than join us for the trip to Pandaria, in no small part because…yeah.  As you might have noticed…just a little tiny bit TOO fond of her mentor.  So between the fact that in Pandaria I wouldn’t have the ability to send her back to her parents at the end of the day, and the fact that, as a rogue, who KNOWS what she could get up to sneaking around all invisible and shit…yeah, better to let her stay with mom and dad.  FYI, there were a couple other trainees who ended up needing to stay back in Orgrimmar for one reason or another, so they’re still continuing their training back there while the other eight trainees are down here with me.

Oh and also, Teukie?  “I’m older than I look”?  Um, I KNOW how old you are.  You’re freaking fourteen.  I’m thirty-four, and you’re fourteen, and I haven’t hooked up with a teenager since I WAS a teenager, and the less said about that draenei girl in Nagrand the better, seeing as I don’t want Greatmother coming down here and boxing my ears.  So will you give it a rest already because it isn’t going to happen, okay?

Seriously, do other teachers have to deal with this shit?  Don’t stand so close to me.

Now as for the OTHER important part of this letter…

OMG WTF IS THAT SHIT?!?!

Okay…so…this is where I am TOTALLY on board with Teukie, because whoever is behind THAT thing…I…it…just…HOLY FUCKING HELL.  “F.Y.G.” OMG

Okay.  Okay…calming down…deep breaths…let’s look at this thing rationally.

So…we know we’re looking for someone whose name starts with a J.  (By the way, I’m not sure if Johnny Awesome is really going to be our prime suspect here, but you know what?  Go kill him anyway.  Fucker.)

Also, based on…the product…it’s probably a safe bet that this is someone who really, really doesn’t like yours truly.  So, right there, that narrows the field down A LOT, right?

Add to that the fact that that image is clearly using an Earth Online character model.  So we’re dealing with someone who probably plays EO, or at least is familiar enough with the game that they would think to dip into it for the image.

So…J’s…  Ji Firepaw couldn’t be it – yeah, he plays EO a little, but he’s pretty clueless in-game and I don’t see him being able to do that kind of image manipulation.  Jorn Skyseer at Domination Point is out – he isn’t a gamer at all, and I’ve always gotten along pretty well with him.  Jorin Deadeye?  Hmm…I don’t THINK he plays EO, but let’s maybe not cross him off the list just yet.

There have to be other options, though.  Think, Garrosh, think…someone who doesn’t like you, whose name starts with J…plays Earth Online…

Oh.

OH.

THAT FUCKING BITCH?!?!!

Ohhhhh man is she in for it.  Let’s see how funny she thinks it is when I march down there and blow up her whole damn—OH WAIT, I TOTALLY ALREADY DID.  So you know what?  If this is her idea of revenge, if the worst thing she can come up with to get back at the Horde is to doctor up some sad little picture to send around the internet, hey, knock yourself out, Jaina.  Have fun.  Pretty fucking sad, when you think of it.  Also pretty ironic that she’s making pictures of ME to put on the internet – seriously, lady, you want to go over some of the image searches for YOU that come up in my Google hits on a daily basis?

 

Dear Warchief Garrosh,

I just recently found your blog and just caught up on all of your postings. It’s been nice to see the more orcish side of such a larger than life leader. Plus, your lemon squares are truly a gift from the Light! Even though I am Forsaken, those lemon squares manage to bring life back to my taste buds.

I wanted to share a story I thought you might enjoy. I was searching for news on the events happening in Pandaria, and I came across a picture of Lor’themar Theron. I showed my husband (a blood elf paladin) the picture, and his response was “Who is the guy with the eyepatch?” I couldn’t help but laugh. Don’t tell Lor’themar, I’d hate for him to get angry at me. I’d rather not have him glaring at me when I join up with the Reliquary in Pandaria.

Fare well in Pandaria, Warchief.

–Beshara Dawnblaze, Forsaken priestess of the Shadow and Light

Thanks for writing, Beshara.  I’m not gonna lie.  I LOL’ed reading that.  I’m still kinda sitting here chortling, because…hehe…

“Who’s the guy with the eyepatch?”

“What, you mean Eyepatch?”

“That can’t really be his name, can it?  People must call him something else, right?”

“Ponytail, maybe?”

“That’s not really a name, either.”

“Hair-Care?  Cyclops?”

“I don’t think he would really answer to those, would he?”

“Well then I’m out.”

So, also, see?  SEE?  NOBODY knows the dude’s name, not even his own people.  It’s not just me, and it’s not just the Earth Online gang.  Other that Sylvanas, who seems to be able to remember him for some reason.  Maybe it’s an undead thing.  As far as those of us among the living go, though, I swear it’s like the guy has some crazy psychic field around him that makes everyone forget him as soon as they look away.

Anyway, I’ll look forward to meeting you when you get down here, Beshara.  Tell you when, when you see me in person, if you want to crack me up right out of the gate?  Just walk up and say “Eyepatch.”

 

Hey mon,

I got a surprise for ya, mon!  Dat letter ya got from Tandeleina in ya last mailbag?  She was right, mon!  I am Vol’jin!  She figured it out, mon!  I’m up an’ kickin’ an’ still on da loose!  Ya bettah watch ya back, mon, ’cause I be comin’ for ya!

–Bob, Shado-Pan Mon Echo Isles

Okay, seriously, dude, do you think I haven’t figured out your MO yet?  Come on.  This jackass keeps writing to me, and more often than not he just comes up with some crazy ridiculous bullshit to yank my chain and jerk me around.  And you know what?  I’m man enough to admit a lot of the time he’s gotten me to bite.  He’ll write some load of crap, and I’ll take the bait, and rant at him about it for a while, and meanwhile I’m sure he’s kicking back in troll-land laughing his ass off because trolls think positively EVERYTHING is fucking hilarious because felweed.

Well guess what.  You’re not getting me this time, Bobbo.  Yeah, you’re Vol’jin.  Sure you are.  Absolutely.  You somehow miraculously survived the attack in the saurok cave, and you’ve gone off in hiding to heal up, and meanwhile you’ve been putting this WHOLE GIANT CONSPIRACY together behind my back, I’m sure, and recruiting people to help you, and biding your time before The Glorious Revolution where you overthrow me or some shit.

Yeah, sure.  That’s real fucking likely.

Probably.

…

Where did I put that note from AlternateTimeline!Faranell again…?