Archive for hozen

Moments of transition

Posted in Comics, Transcripts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 24, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

cloudfall1

After the last straw that was Garona’s report the other day, I decided that enough was enough.  I’d spent enough time flying half blind though everything and not calling in every possible resource.  So today I took a trip back to Tian Monastery to get some answers out of that Elder Cloudfall guy about this “destiny” I’m supposed to have.  This time I wasn’t taking no for an answer – if I had to beat some answers out of his cryptic panda ass, so be it.

I brought Ben-Lin along for the trip, since I figured she seemed to get along well enough with Cloudfall the last time, and maybe having her in tow might make it a little easier to bring him around.  I also brought Taktani, to take her first crack at transcribing…and Gurtash, too…you know, just in case.

Luckily, this time, Cloudfall was out strolling around the grounds when we arrived, so we didn’t have to waste time tracking him down.  So…over to Tak…

 

(We landed at the monastery place and everybody got all excited to see a pudgy fuzzy panda man going for a walk.)

GARROSH – It’s Elder Cloudfall!  Yay!

GURTASH – Yay!

BEN-LIN – Yay!

TAKTANI – I don’t know who that is, but yay too!

CLOUDFALL – Hi, Mr. Warchief!  It’s really good to see you again because I guess we’ve met before, only Tak wasn’t there for that.  But I bet it was fun!

GARROSH – It was!

BEN-LIN – Lots of fun!

CLOUDFALL – Oh that’s good!  I’m so glad I didn’t miss it!

TAKTANI – Aw, I guess I did miss it!  I’m sorry I wasn’t there too!

CLOUDFALL – Me too!

GURTASH – Me too too!

BEN-LIN – But you’re here now, Tak!

TAKTANI – Yay!

GARROSH – Yay!

CLOUDFALL – Yay!

GARROSH – Well I’m sure super happy to see you again, Mr. Panda!  Hold on a minute, I have to talk to Tak!

(So that’s when Mr. Warchief asked to look at my transcript to see how I was doing do far, and he got really mad for some reason and yelled at me, and I’m not going to write those things down because I don’t want to make Mr. Warchief look mean and then people might not like him as much.  But he told me I should just try to write down exactly what everyone says, word for word, and not – oh here, I can just show you!)

GARROSH – So, yeah, Tak, you should just try to write down exactly what everyone says, word for word, and not do these…embellishments or translations into Tak-speak or whatever, okay?

(See?  So I guess I’ll try to do that because I don’t want Mr. Warchief to get mad again, especially after some of the things he said he was going to do, they sound like they would hurt.  But I don’t want you to think Mr. Warchief is mean!  He probably just didn’t sleep too well and that’s why he’s grumpy.  Maybe he needs a new bed because he maybe doesn’t sleep well a lot.  Anyway I guess being a scribe is really serious so I’d better try to concentrate.)

CLOUDFALL – It’s a pleasure to welcome you once again to Tian.  Lady Cloudstrider, and Gurtash, I believe?

BEN-LIN – The pleasure is mine, Elder.

GURTASH – Oh wow, you remember me?

CLOUDFALL – Indeed!  I never forget a face, or a name.

GARROSH – Oh great, another guy with an uber-memory.  Nothing ever goes wrong with those guys.

(I didn’t understand what that meant but Mr. Warchief gave me a mean look when he saw I was going to ask something.  Maybe Mr. D and Mr. U can explain later.)

CLOUDFALL – One face is unfamiliar to me, however, Warchief Garrosh.  Tell me, who is your feline friend?

GARROSH – Oh…yeah.  Her.  This is Taktani.  She’s helping spot Gurtash a little as my scribe and record-keeper.

TAKTANI – Hi, Mr. Panda!  It’s nice to meet you!  You can call me Tak!  Or Tak-Tak, if that’s the way—

GARROSH – Don’t get started on that shit again.

TAKTANI – But Mr. Warchief, I just—

GARROSH – Anyway, she’s kind of in her trial period.  Her really, really tenuous trial period.

CLOUDFALL – Ah, well, I’m sure she’ll perform admirably.

GARROSH – That’s because this is your first time meeting her.

( :( )

CLOUDFALL – In any case, I should provide an introduction in kind.  You all remember our hozen friend, I’m sure.

(Oh I forgot to mention there was a monkey man, like the one at our fort, walking with Mr. Panda!)

CLOUDFALL – Taktani, allow me to introduce Zhi-Zhi.

ZHI-ZHI – Much pleasings to be making your acquaintances.

TAKTANI – Your name is Zhi-Zhi, Mr. Monkey?

ZHI-ZHI – The emphasizings should be on the first syllable, but yes.

TAKTANI – So we do say everyone’s name twice here!

BEN-LIN – No, Taktani, we say people’s names normally here.  It is simply a naming tradition among some of the hozen.

TAKTANI – Oh, I think that’s what Mr. D and Mr. U were telling me before.

GARROSH – I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but yeah, Dontrag and Utvoch were right.  So…congratulations, universe.  You win again.

BEN-LIN – Oh, is that who “Mr. D and Mr. U” are?

GARROSH – Yeah, Ben.  You’ve met them?

BEN-LIN – Briefly, yes.  I only was able to speak with them for a short time before I needed to go due to the mysterious onset of a terrible headache.

TAKTANI – I’m sorry you didn’t feel good.  Are you better now, Ms. Ben-Lin-Lin?

BEN-LIN – I am, thank you.

TAKTANI – Or is it Ms. Ben-Ben-Lin?

BEN-LIN – Although I believe it may be returning.

GARROSH – Tak, just zip it and try to focus on the scribing, okay?

TAKTANI – Okay, Mr. War-war-chief-chief.  Chief.

GARROSH – THAT’S NOT HOW NAMES WORK HERE.

BEN-LIN – It is a curious thing, Garrosh: there are times when I would swear that you are, in fact, heroically even-tempered.

GURTASH(leans over to me)  Make sure you get that down.

CLOUDFALL – Zhi-Zhi, while our guests are here, why don’t you take Gurtash’s mount to the stable.  Do you have your wyvern with you as well, Warchief Garrosh?

GARROSH – Mortimer?  No, not here with us.

(Elder Cloudfall waved to Mr. Zhi, and Mr. Zhi led Gurtash’s wyvern away.)

CLOUDFALL – I’m surprised, Warchief.  You seemed rather attached to the animal; I would have thought you would bring him with you.

GARROSH – Well, I rode him out here for the trip.  But there was a pond with some cranes nearby and so I figured I’d let him go do some hunting for lunch while we were here.

CLOUDFALL – Oh…Warchief Garrosh, I’m not sure if that was wise.  The Jade Forest is full of predators.

GARROSH – And?

CLOUDFALL – Well…are you not worried that your wyvern will be harmed?

(Mr. Warchief and Gurtash turned and looked at each other for a minute, and then they both burst out laughing really hard.  Mr. Warchief laughed so hard he had to lean on Gurtash and I think he even cried a little.)

GARROSH – Yeah, we…we better go find him.

GURTASH(barely getting the words out between laughs)  He might be in trouble, Captain!

GARROSH – From all those predators!

CLOUDFALL – Warchief Garrosh?

GARROSH – I love you pandas.  Don’t ever change.

CLOUDFALL – Ah.  Well then…to what do I owe the pleasure of your visit today?

GARROSH – Yeah, right, down to business.  It’s pretty simple, Elder.  We all know you and monkey boy have seen something about my future in those…whatever…vision caves or whatever you called them.  Last time I was here, I let you squirm out being all cryptic and evasive, but I need answers, and this time around you’re going to give them to me.

CLOUDFALL – Warchief Garrosh, surely you cannot expect me to lay out your future for you.  Nothing has changed since—

GARROSH – Listen, Lunchbox, last time you told me that when I was “ready,” we would meet again.  Well check it out, here we are, meeting again, and believe me, I’m ready as all fuck.

CLOUDFALL – You may be ready to hear, Warchief, but I still question whether you are ready to meet the fate before you.

GARROSH – How about you let ME worry about that, Deep-Dish?  Tell me what you’ve seen, for starters, and we’ll take it from there.

CLOUDFALL – It’s not as simple as you would presume.  You don’t understand the nature of the visions.

GARROSH – Illuminate me.

(Mr. Cloudfall just stared at Mr. Warchief all serious for a minute.  I hope he’s not getting a headache too!)

CLOUDFALL – Let me try to explain this, Warchief Garrosh.  The visions I spoke of provide a piece of the future, but they do not spell out events step by step.  They are fragments – as if you were to look at a painting, but only see the reds and yellows, but not the blues or greens.  They are pieces without context.

GARROSH – “Context”?  Are you serious?  You’re going to stonewall me over fucking CONTEXT?

CLOUDFALL – Warchief Garrosh, context is the solitary line that separates an act of barbarism from an act of kindness.  Even were I of a mind to tell you—

GARROSH – Listen to me.  You only just met us, so I don’t expect you to understand what’s at stake here.  So yeah, you know what?  Context.  So let me explain this to you.  You want to dance around what the future holds?  My people are in the middle of a war to DETERMINE their future.  And you do NOT want to know what I’ve already sacrificed trying to secure.  And meanwhile, I’ve got the people who are supposedly on MY side in all this running around behind my back, undermining me at every turn, cutting deals with my worst fucking enemies for what reasons I can’t even guess.  I NEED TO KNOW what the fuck is going on with all this.

CLOUDFALL(sighs)  To know anyone’s fate is a dangerous prospect, but to know one’s own

GARROSH – Are you worried about spoilers, Gramps?  Well, here, maybe this will help – I’ve already been spoiled.  I’ve already had one person take a peek into my future and come back with a report.  He told me “they” were going to turn against me.  And now it looks like he was right, only maybe he wasn’t.  I don’t fucking KNOW.  And I’m trying to look out for an entire fucking CIVILIZATION, and THESE are the things I’m having to spend my time thinking about.

(Mr. Panda got very quiet and mostly just looked at the ground.  I think maybe he didn’t want to make Mr. Warchief any more upset.  Or maybe he was sad to hear lots of people are being mean to Mr. Warchief.  That’s not very nice even if he does get grumpy sometimes.)

GARROSH – Listen, I get that you’re worried about giving away too much, or telling me things that I’m not going to be able to make sense of.  But there’s got to be some chunk of it that I can latch on to.  Give me SOMETHING.

CLOUDFALL – I wasn’t lying when I said that the visions were mere fragments.  Incomplete – not least of all because the events surrounding them are still in motion, still in flux…

GARROSH – How about this, then.  You and monkey boy both said I have a destiny.  The first time I met Chimps, he kept calling me “the one.”  Let’s start there.  What the fuck was he talking about?

(The Elder man got quiet again and rubbed his chin while he stared down for a minute.)

CLOUDFALL – You…are the one who brings the peoples of the Horde together under a common cause.  The one who sets in motion the events that bring about the emergence of a new Horde, a rebirth…

(Mr. Warchief looked all happy and proud.  I don’t blame him!  He’s going to be a hero!  Yay!)

GARROSH – Okay, so, why in the FUCK would you not want to tell me THAT future?

CLOUDFALL – Because you don’t know how you get there.

(Uh oh, Mr. Warchief got all serious again and looked at Mr. Panda all impatient.)

GARROSH – And…?

CLOUDFALL – And neither do I.

GARROSH – You’re about to get cryptic on me again, aren’t you?

CLOUDFALL – I’ve seen the reds and the yellows of your future, Warchief Garrosh, and I know that you stand upon a fulcrum: the choices you will make in the days ahead will determine how your destiny takes shape.  For now, I do not know the shape of that future or where it will take you.  I know only that it is born in pain.

GARROSH – Yep, I called that one.

CLOUDFALL – Warchief Garrosh?

GARROSH – Whatever.  The important thing is, as long as I know the Horde comes out strong on the other side of this, I’m ready to deal with whatever pain it takes to get there.

CLOUDFALL – No.

GARROSH – What?

CLOUDFALL – I wasn’t lying about that last time, either.  You’re not ready for what’s coming.  (pauses, thinking)  But…I think I can help you.  If you’re willing to face the shadows I once told you weighed upon your steps.

GARROSH – If I say yes, will there be a point where this doubletalk of yours starts to make sense?

CLOUDFALL – It may.  And if it doesn’t, you’ll be no worse off than you are now, I suspect.

GARROSH – I’m all ears.

CLOUDFALL – This is not something I can tell you, but a journey I believe I can guide you on.  There is a place, far from here, where you may be able to see for yourself, and begin to face your destiny.

GARROSH – Man, you pandas really do love to lay it on thick, don’t you?  You’re on, though.  Where to?

C8_Page_01* Garrosh received this message from A’dal here, while accompanying Liadrin to Shattrath.

Krasarang reunions

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 3, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

nazgrim_dominationpoint

Construction is coming along quickly here at Domination Point.  That’s what we’re calling the new outpost, by the way – pretty badass, right?  Thought of it myself.  Anyway, we’re making good progress getting the place built.  Warlord Zaela sent some of her Dragonmaw construction crew with us, and as any of you who were there will remember, a couple years ago when the Dragonmaw joined the Horde, they got Dragonmaw Port rebuilt FAST.  As opposed to, say, the goblin contractors who STILL haven’t quite finished the job in Orgrimmar.  Which is really pretty ridiculous at this point.  I mean, can you imagine how embarrassing it’s going to be if Orgrimmar comes under siege, and we STILL haven’t finished fixing the place from the LAST major problem?

So that’s coming along.  While we work on getting the base built and securing the area, I’ve also been keeping Gurtash and the rest of the DPS busy gathering food.  Turns out there’s an island close by that’s practically swarming with these huge cranes that have enough breast meat on them to feed half a regiment.  They’re a little big for the kids, but it’s been good practice for them working as a team.  Also, as part of the Pandaria landing team, I’d brought three of the Mag’har’s best blademasters from Nagrand: Ishi, Burzum, and Krimpatul.  So I’ve been having the three of them take turns going out with the DPS when they go hunting, just to keep an eye on them.  The kids seem to be hitting it off with Krimp especially.  He’s got the gruff lovable mentor thing going for him.  Kind of like me.

In other news, General Nazgrim and his team arrived here today.  Which was a good thing – one, because Nazgrim is always good in a fight, but two, because that gave me a chance to ask some pointed questions based on Krog’s reports on a certain former captive of theirs.

Case in point: How exactly Nazgrim and his crew managed to turn this:

shokiaanduin

…into this:

anduinvarian

The extent of Nazgrim’s response pretty much consisted of “Oh, so, um, you heard about that, huh?”

One other part of Nazgrim’s arrival, though – along with his regular crew like Kiryn and Shokia, he also brought one of those monkey people he’d recruited back in the Jade Forest, a hozen named Tak-Tak who’s going to be helping our flightmaster Kromthar.  And here’s the thing.  This was the first time I’d met a hozen…only it wasn’t.  Some of you might remember – a few months ago, when time was going all wonky and I was flashing into that alternate reality, I met a monkey-like creature, name of Zhi-Zhi.  Who’d been found washed ashore after the destruction of his home in the southern islands.  It was the first time I’d ever seen a creature like him…but he seemed to know a thing or two about me.

And so THAT was the first time I ever met a hozen – only now, those events never happened.  Except I still remember them.  FUCKING TIME TRAVEL.  Head hurts.

So after Nazgrim introduced me to Tak-Tak, I pulled Monkey Boy aside and tried picking his tiny little brain some.  He said most of the mountain hozen up north were pretty hostile, same for the hozen on the islands to the east of here.  According to him, the only hozen who’ve managed to shill at all – and from what I can tell, “chill” would be a VERY relative term – would be the forest hozen where he’d come from.  Most of those, he says, have stayed in villages like Grookin Hill, but some individuals have gone off to live with the pandaren in one place or another.  He rattled off a few places some of them had gone, and most of the names blurred together, but then one stuck out – a place in the Jade Forest called the Tian Monastery.  That one rang a tiny little bell.  When we get a little breathing room, I may need to pay them a visit over that way.

Anyhow, back to work.  I’ll keep you posted on news as it happens, assuming my internet stays up.

When we last left Krog…

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 10, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

serpentsheart

So Krog’s latest report from Pandaria came in yesterday.  I was planning to post this update last night, but while I was startung to get the post together, I made the mistake of tabbing over to Earth Online, and telling myself I could just talk with the guild a little while I was working.  And you know how that goes, right?  “I’ll just tab over for a minute” = nothing gets done in the original window ever.

As it turns out, I happened to log on just in time for another Lor’themar hissy fit over people not knowing who he is.  So that was fun.  I told him to cool it, and he was like “Why don’t you come here and make me?”, and dude didn’t seem to get the fact that e-thugging empty threats doesn’t work so well when the guy you’re mouthing off to knows your home address and had a hunch of mages on staff.

I’m at least 50% sure his face will heal up okay.  And even if not, maybe an eyepatch would help toughen up his look anyway.

Anyhow, that’s what was going on yesterday.  So now, let’s get caught up with our buddy Krog in Pandaria.  You guys voted – by a hair – to send him back to the hozen camp to secure Anduin.  When we last left him, he and Shokia were pinned down by an Alliance sniper at Serpent’s Heart.  And so…

 

begging the warchief’s pardon, but while waiting for your further instructions matters reached a point where action was needed.

 

I mean really, how high-maintenance are some of my minions that they basically say “Sorry I went ahead and did something without your go-ahead when I was getting shot at”?

 

alliance sniper’s shots were keeping me and shokia pinned down tightly.  i stealthed and tried to scout her position but was unable to get a clear read through the greenery.  meanwhile sniper was somehow able to make fairly good estimates of my position even while stealthed.  eventually used smoke bombs to give myself and shokia cover to withdraw, and made our way north.

good news and bad news upon arrival at horde/hozen camp at grookin hill.

good news: general nazgrim, kiryn, and rivett clutchpop all survived battle at serpent’s heart and have been moved west to pandaren settlement at binan village to recover from injuries.

 

Okay, well, I already knew that much, seeing as I’d gotten the report on that from Nazgrim himself, but yeah, that is good news.  Although he seemed to leave out the whole Anduin thing, which is kind of troubling.  Also most of the business about the giant black demon thingy that came out of nowhere and handed him his ass.

 

bad news: apparently in the confusion of the battle, anduin escaped.

 

I… He… They…

Hang on.

Sorry.  I had to go schedule a one-on-one session with Ben-Lin Cloudstrider to work on methods for dealing with this sudden inexplicable SEETHING FIT OF SOUL-RENDING RAGE that I seem to be experiencing at the moment FOR SOME REASON, which may or may not be related to the likelihood that EVERYONE ON MY PAYROLL IS APPARENTLY COMPLETELY FUCKING INCOMPETENT.

How – HOW, can you please EXPLAIN this to me – can these people POSSIBLY let the fucking PRINCE OF STORMWIND get away “in the confusion”?  What the fuck does that even MEAN?  What confusion?  The battle was a ways away from the camp, so why would there even have been any confusion there?  Or was someone actually cosmically stupid enough to think it was a good idea to bring a high-profile captive WITH them to a battle?

I’m seriously going to have to get my ass down there to Pandaria, because this is just too fucking much.

 

welcome back, warchief – i assume you had to step away for a moment after reading that last bit.

 

Okay, credit where it’s due.  Dude knows me.

 

hozen unclear on which way anduin may have fled.  not surprising; hozen unclear on most things unrelated to feces.  likeliest possibilities appear to be westward across the river, which would take anduin toward farming district; and southward, toward alliance encmapment and area where anduin was originally captured.

standing by for further orders.

 

Invasion incoming

Posted in Transcripts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 3, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

eitrigg

In light of the reports coming in from both Nazgrim and Krog from Pandaria, I decided we need to step up preparations for a full-scale military operation there.  Nazgrim’s been holding his own reasonably well under the circumstances…well, he WAS until this last report, anyway, and then…well, you know.  Point is, he’s been trying to keep it together down there, but it’s about time we gave our general an honest-to-goodness army to work with.

So, earlier today I held a strategy session to make plans to send a full invasion force to Pandaria.  We had the usual suspects there — Eitrigg, Malkorok, Mokvar to take notes.  Malkorok had his lieutenant Rak’gor Bloodrazor sit in for the planning.  Plus…an extra unexpected attendee, who…well, you’ll see.

Cut to the transcript.

 

GARROSH:  First, a status update.  The latest from Nazgrim is that he and his people are licking their wounds from a major battle with the Alliance forces down there.  They’ve moved from the Jade Forest to a town in the northern mountains while they recover.  Most of them, anyway.

EITRIGG:  Are Nazgrim and his team all right?

GARROSH:  Scratched up but still kicking, from what I gather.  Always hard to tell with Nazgrim — he’ll never let on if he’s really hurt.  You know him.

MALKOROK:  I assume our forces were victorious against the Alliance dogs, as they’re alive to tell the tale?

GARROSH:  Not so much.  The battle was basically a stalemate.

MALKOROK:  You mean to say, Warchief, that that fool Nazgrim failed not only to defeat a depleted Alliance force, but even to go down fighting like an orc?  And now he has the audacity to report this disgrace from the comfort of some remote bed while he nurses his wounds like a human?

EITRIGG:  Considering what Nazgrim seems to have had to work with…

MALKOROK:  And now you defend his incompetence, old man?

GARROSH:  Well hey, look, Malkorok.  Believe me, I’m all for being tough on the troops and all that, but to be fair, Nazgrim DID lose most of his actual Horde soldiers in the crash of the Hellscream’s Fist.

MALKOROK:  And proceeded to offset those losses by recruiting from among the locals, did he not?

GARROSH:  Yeah, but look at the locals.  I mean, dude, you know how I’m always saying it’s like I’ve got a bunch of trained monkeys working for me?  <scans around the room>  No offense.  But yeah, Nazgrim?  LITERALLY had a bunch of trained monkeys to work with.

MALKOROK:  What about the Alliance?

GARROSH:  What about them?

MALKOROK:  The Alliance reportedly took heavy losses and drew support from the natives as well.  Who did they have fighting for them?

EITRIGG:  <scanning notes>  I think Krog included something about this in one of his reports…

GARROSH:  Something with a “J,” I think.

MOKVAR:  Jinyu.

GARROSH:  Yeah, that’s it, jinyu.

MOKVAR:  <paging through reports>  Which…from the way Krog describes them…would be a race of…sort of…king-size murlocs.

GARROSH:  <blinks, then rubs forehead>  …The FUCK is Nazgrim doing down there?

MALKOROK:  You see?

EITRIGG:  Do we know anything else about the battle with the Alliance?  I will grant, it doesn’t sound like Nazgrim to flee the battlefield…

GARROSH:  Nazgrim’s report was pretty sketchy on the details there.  I’ve gotten some extra intel from Krog to fill it out some, though.  Looks like the battle between Nazgrim’s monkeys and the Alliance fish men…

Garrosh trails off, then stares into the distance for a moment.

EITRIGG:  Warchief?

MOKVAR:  Garrosh?

Garrosh shakes his head and pulls his attention back.

GARROSH:  Yeah.  Sorry.  I just heard myself saying that last part and had to take a minute to be sad.  Where was I?

MOKVAR:  Monkeys versus fish men.

GARROSH:  Yeah.  Monkeys versus fish men.  So according to— I mean seriously, doesn’t that sound like a bad videogame or something?

MOKVAR:  Just watch, if Spazzle isn’t coding that already, he will as soon as he reads this.

GARROSH:  I know, right?

EITRIGG:  Warchief…focus, please.

GARROSH:  Yeah, yeah, okay…  So…  <sighs>  …monkeys versus fish men.  Which I guess took place at the foot of this huge statue in a place called Serpent’s Heart.  From what I can gather, the battle was pretty even, which is kind of depressing  in itself, considering, when it was broken up by the arrival of this giant black monster.  Which basically wiped out both sides and left the survivors fucked up and scattrered.

MALKOROK:  What kind of monster could take out both armies?

GARROSH:  From what Krog reported, it…

Vol’jin enters.

Hang on.  What are YOU doing here, troll?

VOL’JIN:  I heard dere was a meetin’ going’ on, mon.  I figured mah invitation musta got lost in da mail.

GARROSH:  Uh, yeah, as if I would have sent YOU an invitation for these planning sessions…

VOL’JIN:  Ya see now, mon?  Ya be tinkin’ a me as such a good friend, I don’ even be needin’ an invitation!  Dat’s why everybody loves ya, mon.

GARROSH:  <rubbing forehead>  What.  Do you WANT.  Vol’jin?

VOL’JIN:  I hear ya be plannin’ an invasion in Pandaria, mon, and I be here ta keep an eye on what ya be doin’.

GARROSH:  Keep an eye on me?  I don’t answer to you, troll, nor do I have to EXPLAIN myself to you, so if you’re here to make life difficult, you can just head back to your island now.

VOL’JIN:  I be da leader of da Darkspear, mon, an’ I got a right ta know what da Horde be doin’.

MALKOROK:  You know I can easily take care of—

GARROSH:  Not now, Malkorok.  <grumbles>  Fine.  You can sit in, Vol’jin.  TRY not to make yourself into too much of a toothache.

VOL’JIN:  Oh don’cha be worryin’ ’bout me, mon.  Ya won’t even know I be here.  It’ll be like I be invisible.

Garrosh stares at Vol’jin for a long moment, then exchanges several pensive glances with Eitrigg and Mokvar.  He looks back to Vol’jin again and eyes him for another moment.

GARROSH:  Okay, well—

VOL’JIN:  Like da Lich King’s horse!

GARROSH:  Just SIT DOWN and SHUT UP, Vol’jin.

VOL’JIN:  Sure, mon.

Vol’jin takes a seat at the conference table next to Malkorok.  Malkorok glances at him and sneers; Vol’jin answers with an exaggerated grin.

GARROSH:  So as I was saying, like an hour ago…about the creature at Serpent’s Heart.  Apparently it was something the pandas call a “sha” — sort of a demon that feeds off of powerful emotions.

VOL’JIN:  <eyes narrow>  You don’ say, mon…

MALKOROK:  Hmm…interesting…  I wonder if our warlocks could influence these sha.  If they’re strong enough to take down two armies, they could be a powerful resource if harnessed…

VOL’JIN:  Dat be some bad mojo ya talkin’ ’bout, mon.

MALKOROK:  I thought you were going to be quiet, troll.

MOKVAR:  He’s right, though — these sha don’t sound like something we want to risk meddling with.

EITRIGG:  As it stands, I’m already troubled enough by some reports I’ve seen of demonic summoning by some of the initial fleet…

MOKVAR:  Wait, seriously?

MALKOROK:  You two would have our warlocks not avail themselves of all the power at their disposal for the benefit of the Horde?

MOKVAR:  Didn’t “our warlocks” get themselves into enough trouble already “availing” themselves of demonic power?

MALKOROK:  Yes, let’s have the scribe lecture us on the proper conduct of warlocks.

MOKVAR:  I used to be a warlock.

MALKOROK:  Oh, that’s right, you were, weren’t you?  Then by all means continue, scribe.  Tell us more about the evils of seeking power through demonology.

Mokvar looks back to his notes awkwardly.

GARROSH:  Look, the fact is, Nazgrim doesn’t have the people or the resources to establish a strong Horde presence in Pandaria or prevent the Alliance from doing the same.  I already have ships being prepared for a large-scale incursion.  The southern coast of Pandaria has a few locations that sound like they’d be well-suited for a base.  We can scout a specific spot while we finish gathering troops and equipment for the trip.

EITRIGG:  Grizzle Gearslip of the Bilgewater goblins says the construction team should have siege engines ready within a week or so.

GARROSH:  Well tell me this — when he says “a week or so,” does he mean a WEEK OR SO “week or so,” or is this a maybe-in-your-lifetime “week or so” like when those goblins “week or so”-ed their estimate on rebuilding the Orgrimmar ramparts after the Cataclysm?  Which they STILL haven’t finished two years later, by the way.

VOL’JIN:  So we be doin’ dis, eh mon?  Bringin’ da war to dis new land?

MALKOROK:  The war has already been brought, troll.  We now bring only victory.

GARROSH:  Once the equipment and siege engines are ready, it’s just a matter of lining up troop deployments.

MALKOROK:  Most able-bodied adults not otherwise committed to important duties have been conscripted for service, Warchief.  Rak’gor and I are in the process of assigning veteran supervisors to the new trainee program as well.

EITRIGG:  What trainee program is this?  I haven’t heard anything about it.

MALKOROK:  Nor would you.  It’s a Kor’kron program.

EITRIGG:  I didn’t realize the Kor’kron operated in secret now.  Has Saurfang adopted some new policy?

MALKOROK:  <visibly annoyed>  The program…is for recruiting and training of orcish youth for service to the Horde, as per the Warchief’d edict after the Northwatch Hold…events.

EITRIGG:  Orcish youth?  What age do you mean?

MALKOROK:  I shouldn’t need to tell you the traditional age of passage, old man.  Fourteen — the age a youth is fit to take a blade for the honor of his clan.

VOL’JIN:  By da spirits, mon, dey be children!

MALKOROK:  A boy is a man the day he can slay a foe in defense of home and kin, troll.  I wouldn’t expect you to understand such things.

VOL’JIN:  Yah, mon, I really don’ get out much.  Ya know, I don’ get invited to da cool kid parties.

GARROSH:  Can’t imagine why.

MALKOROK:  Nevertheless…don’t make it out as if the trainees are being handed swords and pushed blindly onto a battlefield — they are being trained and guided by some of our finest warriors.  If anything, this is an honor.

GARROSH:  Fourteen, though, huh?  I thought it was fifteen.

MALKOROK:  No, Warchief, fourteen.

GARROSH:  Are you certain?  I’m pretty sure it was always fifteen back in Nagrand.

MALKOROK:  No, sir.  I suppose that might have been a regional difference?

GARROSH:  Huh, okay.  Fourteen, then.

VOL’JIN:  I don’ be likin’ da sound a dis, mon.  Not one bit a it.  Draggin’ our war into other people’s lands, roundin’ up children ta make inta soldiers…

GARROSH:  Well imagine my surprise, Vol’jin.  Imagine my complete and total SHOCK to see YOU griping and complaining about what I’m doing.  You know, I might actually LISTEN to some of these objections of yours if you didn’t object to EVERY SINGLE THING I do.

VOL’JIN:  Maybe if ya listened once in a while before ya did dese tings, mon, ya wouldn’t have to listen to people complainin’ after ya did ‘em.

MALKOROK:  I don’t hear anyone complaining except for you, troll.  Other than that simpering tauren you usually have leading you by the nose.  I’m half surprised he’s not here as well.

VOL’JIN:  I drew da short straw, mon.

GARROSH:  All right, enough of this.  Both of you quiet down.  It’s settled — we’re moving ahead with the Pandaria plan and getting ready for a departure within the next few weeks.  And TROLL, get this into your head: this is happening.  And I have no intention of listening to you bellyache every step of the way.

VOL’JIN:  Don’cha worry ’bout dat, mon.  If dere be one ting I know by now, it’s dat you ain’t gonna listen.

GARROSH:  Damn right.  You’re finally getting it.  Okay then… I think that covers everything.  I have another meeting I need to get to in the Drag in a few.  For now, let’s get things rolling gathering materials and finalizing troop assignments for the invasion.  Oh, and Eitrigg?

EITRIGG:  Yes, sir?

GARROSH:  When we compile the final roster, for the love of the spirits, make sure Dontrag and Utvoch aren’t on the list.

EITRIGG:  Yes, sir.

GARROSH:  There are going to be enough potential headaches as it is on this mission — the last thing I’m going to need it THOSE two yammering in my ear.

VOL’JIN:  Oh, hey, mon…

GARROSH:  Oh for fuck’s sake… What now?

VOL’JIN:  You talkin’ bout dem two orcs who got to Orgrimmar late after da Theramore raid?

GARROSH:  Yeah, you know them?

VOL’JIN:  Yah, mon, dey came by da Echo Isles after dat.  Dey was getting deyselves all confused, mon.

GARROSH:  “Confused” has a short ramp-up time for them.

VOL’JIN:  No, but listen, mon — dey was like, “It be de Echo Isles, right?  Den how come we can’t hear an echo when we talk?”  An’ dey kep’ tryin’ ta yell stuff into da air to see if dey could get an echo!

GARROSH:  <chortles>  Oh…dude…that’s like the time I was saying something to them about Razorfen Kraul, and they were like, “So do all the quillboar there crawl?  We thought they knew how to walk upright.  Is it some kind of a rule there?”

VOL’JIN:  <laughing>  Ya better not let dem go to da Howling Fjord, mon, dey might tink dey’re losing dey hearing ’cause dey don’ hear da howling!

GARROSH:  <chuckling>  Well hell, you should have seen them the first time they saw Thousand Needles.  “Are you sure it’s a thousand of them?  I only counted like 60.  Did we miss some?”

VOL’JIN:  <laughs more>  You shoulda told ’em we switched to da metric system, mon.

Garrosh guffaws, leaning against the table.  Vol’jin laughs heartily as well and wipes a tear from one eye.  After another moment spent laughing, Garrosh and Vol’jin look up at each other and both of their faces fade into uneasy expressions.

GARROSH:  <scowls>  Fucking troll.

VOL’JIN:  <aside, muttering>  Don’ blame me, mon, I voted for da basic campfire…

Garrosh and Vol’jin both get up and stomp out of the room in opposite directions.

Choose your own adventurer

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 25, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

I have some new updates from Pandaria.  General Nazgrim reports that he’s making good progress shaping the forest hozen into a viable fighting force, and they’re getting ready to square off against the Alliance forces that have been up to something in the southern part of the Jade Forest.  On the down side, Nazgrim’s had one more casualty — Sergeant Garrok was lost during a scouting mission, something involving an old crone in the woods.  Not too clear on the details. Still, given my own history with crones, I know how much trouble they can be.

Meanwhile, I have a new update from Krog on his investigations down south.  And…yeah, he’s as high maintenance as he was last time, what with needing his hand held for every decision.  Seriously, it’s like he’s afraid to make any decision by himself for fear I’m going to do something to him if he makes a wrong call.  Like he thinks I have a temper or something.  I SHOULD KILL YOU FOR THAT, INSOLENT ROGUE.  Heh.  See what I did there?

Anyway.  I think I’ve come up with a solution for Krog’s constant need for guidance, but first things first — here’s an excerpt from the report he e-mailed me, to give you an idea on where things stand:

found the wreckage of the bladefist reaper and stygian scar off the southern shore.  the initial landing force had established a port outpost which has since been neutralized by the alliance — notes that i found indicate they had named the outpost “garrosh’ar point”.  on the coast near one of the docks, bodies of several dozen of the ships’ grunts have washed up.  several more found floating at sea.  all the bodies i inspected were unarmed and riddled full of bullets.  based on the condition and placement of the bodies relative to the coast, i believe the crews were attempting to swim to shore from the sinking ships when alliance forces picked them off in the water.

I don’t know why anything surprises me with the Alliance anymore.  Unarmed men swimming for their lives, and the humans see fit to mow them down.  Remind me again how good and pure and noble they are.  And they call us savages.

further along the shore, i also located the wreckage of the original alliance flagship.  aboard, found royals banners and the body of a stormwind soldier wearing the trappings of a royal bodyguard.  appears likely that among the ship’s crew was a member of the royal family — since we know varian was in stormwind at last check, it would appear that prince anduin is somewhere in pandaria.  this confirmed by papers i retrieved from a sole alliance operative i intercepted at nearby hozen camp.  uncertain at this point if alliance have recovered the prince or if he is still at large somewhere.

alliance also appears to be making inroads with one of the local tribes of jinyu — fish-like humanoids.  kind of what you would get if you crossed a human with a murloc.

Oh good.  Two of my very favorite species blended together into one economy pack of fail.  I think I’ll be passing many a cold winter night warming my heart with the slow execution of some of these fish people…

indications from garrosh’ar point are that surviving horde forces relocated to nearby fortress called twinspire keep.  alliance appear to have made contact with pandren locals in paw’don village in addition to jinyu located at pearlfin village.

Okay, so here’s the part where Krog defaults to his needy-ass self, asking for directions on what to do next.  And here’s where my idea comes in, to save myself a few headaches.  Now see, personally I already have more than enough decisions to make and enough things to think about, but it occurs to me that maybe all of you — my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS — might enjoy the chance to take a more hands-on role in guiding some of our efforts in Pandaria.  So, here’s your chance.  It’s simple enough: what do YOU say Krog should do next?

I’ll give you all a few days to enter your votes, then I’ll send my instructions to Krog, then post an update on whatever he reports.  Going forward, every time he checks in with another progress report, I’ll post another poll with options for what Krog should do next.  Sounds like fun, right?

So — keep checking back here, chime in to make our puppet dance, help the Horde effort in Pandaria, and be entertained all at once.  It’s win-win, and full of win.  YOUR WARCHIEF HAS SPOKEN.

Pandaren excursions

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , on November 17, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

A few updates on the ongoing events in Pandaria.

First and foremost, keep those reports coming.  Some of you have posted some information on your reconnaissance in Pandaria in the comments of my original call for intelligence, some have written to me directly – I’m planning to address some of the write-in reports in this Monday’s mailbag, so be sure to get your contributions in pronto.  Keep it all coming, especially those letters for this coming week.

Your reports are going to be important while I suss out our tactics in the new territories, especially since our new panda recruits are turning out to be a little less helpful in that regard than I’d hoped.  I’d just figured that they could provide a lot of inside information on Pandaria what with, you know, them being freaking PANDAREN, but as it turns out, the pandas who lived on the Wandering Isle were a whole separate bunch who haven’t really had much contact with mainland Pandaria for generations…so other than a few very general cultural insights, they’re as much in the dark as I am.  Way to ingratiate yourself to me right off the bat there, Ji.

I’ve gotten a brief update from General Nazgrim.  He says he’s making inroads recruiting one of the local hozen tribes to fight on our side.  Whatever the fuck a “hozen” is.  Still, more troops will only help, especially considering Nazgrim doesn’t have too many of his own people left after the Hellscream’s Fist got turned into the Hellscream’s Flaming Pile of Toothpicks and Corpses.  (Or as Shademaster Kiryn would probably call it, “a pit roast waiting to happen.”)  I’m still not sure how Nazgrim managed not to notice that the Alliance had an air base down there.  He seemed kind of evasive about that whole part of the episode, so I may need to do some following up there.

Speaking of which.  Since we’ve got a bunch of questions hanging over the entire situation down there, I decided to get some official sleuthing going.  Early yesterday, I dispatched Krog to Pandaria to start investigating what happened to the original Horde fleet, the one that had chased the Alliance flagship down and ran it aground.  Krog had been doing some undercover work on a few loose ends in the recent Razor Hill incident, but for time being I’ve pulled him off of that case to send him to Pandaria.  I’m having him file regular reports on his progress with the invesitation.  Hopefully he’ll be able to find some answers.

And all that sounds fine in theory.  One problem: all of Krog’s previous detective work was in pretty familiar territory – Dustwallow Marsh, the Barrens, Razor Hill, etc.  Get the dude out of his element, and combine that with me stressing that I want answers and not fuck-ups, and the guy turns into a big worrier who won’t make a move without double checking with me.  Should I report to General Nazgrim’s camp or go straight to the last known location of the fleet? he asks me.  I tell him to go right for the fleet.  Should I send word to Nazgrim at all that I’m there?  Don’t worry about Nazgrim’s team, they’ve got their own thing going.  Should I search the remains of our ships first or the remains of the port?  Dude, surprise me, okay?  It’s like I’m at an annoying deli or some shit.  Do you want white or wheat?  Cheese or no?  Mustard, ketchup, or mayo?  Mustard, you say?  Brown or yellow?  Do you want a side of fries with that or onion rings?  Or chips?  How about a pickle?  I JUST WANT A FUCKING SANDWICH before I gnaw my own fucking ARM off, OKAY?

So yeah.  Ugh.  Updates to follow.  Aren’t we all lucky?

Word from the field

Posted in General with tags , , , , on November 12, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

Pandaria!

I’ve just gotten my first reports back from General Nazgrim, and it turns out that that huge landmass they found in the southern ocean is Pandaria!  CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT?  I’d heard stories about Pandaria, but I just kind of figured that’s all they were — stories.  And sure, Rexxar would swear up and down about the adventures he had with Chen Stormstout, but I mean, come on, you get to that part about all the beer they had, and you’re going to tell me you’re not going to sit there and think, “Ah, so THAT’S why he thinks he did all this shit”?

But no, turns out, it’s all for real.  I just received my first report from Nazgrim.  Not all the news is good — apparently, by the time Nazgrim arrived with the Hellscream’s Fist, the Alliance had already established a base there and destroyed the port that had been established by OUR initial naval force.  On the plus side, Nazgrim and his people took out the Alliance base at Thunder Hold — although Nazgrim seemed pretty sketchy on some of the details — and have secured a portion of the Jade Forest while forging relations with some of the pandaren and another native race called the hozen.  On the minus side, before Nazgrim was able to overthrow the Alliance forces, they were able to shoot down the Hellscream’s Fist, killing a large portion of Nazgrim’s troops in the process.  Right now he’s working with a team consisting of Sergeant Garrok, marksman Shokia, Shademaster Kiryn, chief engineer Rivett Clutchpop, and a few elite Horde adventurers who’d volunteered for the mission and — as usual — were just too damn tough to wind up killed.

Meanwhile I also have a report from Korga Strongmane.  He and a number of our other people were captured by the Alliance during the initial skirmishes in Pandaria.  The Alliance sent a gunship to transport the prisoners back to Stormwind, but good ol’ Korga and the others staged an uprising on the airship and wound up crashing it on a nearby island called the Wandering Isle.  From what he tells me in his report, he’s won the trust and support of some of the pandaren who live on the island, and he’s arranging for several of them to come to Orgrimmar to pledge themselves to the Horde.  NOW we’re in business — if the stories about Pandaria are real, then maybe some of the stories about the pandaren and their crazy-ass martial arts skills are too.  This should be fun to see.

Meanwhile, I’m still going to need more information on what’s going on out there, so everybody keep those reports coming.  It wouldn’t surprise me at all if the Alliance are up to no good down there, and I STILL want to find out what happened to Captain Krug and the original fleet.

More details soon.

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