Archive for earth online

30 Days of Character Development #7: Mokvar

Posted in 30 Days of Character Development with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 25, 2014 by Garrosh Hellscream

[Periodically, a post will profile one of the blog’s many supporting players.  (See the first profile for more details.)  Feel free to chime in with recommendations for other characters you’d like to see more about.]

 

mokvar_profile1Name:  Mokvar

Occupation:  Scribe; former advisor to the Warchief; former mercenary; currently between gigs, as it were.

Race:  Orc

Class:  Warlock (currently and formerly), shaman (formerly)

Age:  44

Group affiliations:  Horde (former citizen, currently banished), Earthen Ring (former member), Veiled Blade (former member)

Known relatives:  Drulla (mother, deceased), Vokmar (father, deceased), ex-wife (heretofore unnamed)

Earth Online notes:  Founding member and officer of Garrosh’s guild <Warchief>; presumably demoted from officer status since falling out of good graces with Garrosh, though it’s currently unclear if he’s actually been demoted or gkicked.  Main toon is Bartleby (class unknown); has at least one alt, LamontCranston (not a member of <Warchief> and unknown by most of the guild, possibly all but Spazzle).

First appearance:  “Visiting Ashenvale” (first mention), “Underneath the bunker” (first transcript)

mokvarprofile2Key posts and plot points:

  • Garrosh first mentioned Mokvar in the very early days of the blog, during an inspection trip to Ashenvale.  After completing an aerial bombing run over Astralaan, the Warchief was most irate that Mokvar wasn’t able to adequately sketch him walking away from the resulting explosions; Garrosh ordered Mokvar back to Orgrimmar to train up inscription under pain of, well, pain.  (Interestingly, the job of keeping visual records of some of Garrosh’s expolits would eventually fall to Gurtash in the form of his comics.)
  • Mokvar would return a few weeks later in “Underneath the bunker” to record the first of many transcripts of the Warchief’s dealings.  (Also of note is that this transcript marked the first appearance of Dontrag and Utvoch.)  From that point on, Mokvar would frequently accompany the Warchief in his adventures, recording Garrosh’s discussions with such luminaries as Tirion Fordring (“Where did all the words go?”), Mylune (not once but twice), Garona and Johnny Awesome (“Awesome job, Mokvar”).
  • Mokvar traveled back in time to old Hillsbrad with Garrosh, Liadrin, Faranell, and Utvoch in an attempt to trace the origin of a magic “anti-plague” that was devastating the Forsaken (The Anti-Plague of Southshore).  While there, Faranell switched places with a past version of himself and inadvertently set off a series of events that would eventually cause massive disruptions to the timeline (Timequake).  In the ensuing chaos, Mokvar was one of the only people to be aware of the changes that had occurred, and helped the Warchief reset history to its proper course.  To this day, Mokvar remains one of the only people – along with Garrosh, Liadrin, and Faranell – who remembers the events that transpired in the other timeline.  (Okay, yes, Utvoch remembers, too…but would you really bet your next paycheck on him understanding any of it?)
  • Just before Garrosh left for Pandaria, Mokvar was attacked and killed under mysterious circumstances (“Death of the author”), though his death was made temporary by his ability to ankh as a shaman.  This brush with death marked the beginning of the Mokvar saga that continues to this day; a detailed, post-by-post account can be found here, but here’s the semi-sorta-short version: In his mercenary days before coming to Orgrimmar, when he was a member of the Veiled Blade, Mokvar had acquired, then disposed of, a powerful warlock relic called the Nether Prism; now, years later, the Prism’s prior owner (the drakonid lord Valthalak) has sent spectral assassins after Mokvar in an effort to recover his prize.  Mokvar reunited with old mercenary friend Deliana to try to recover the Prism, then launched into a run of suspicious, erratic behavior – traveling to Ironforge under diplomatic cover, then being charged with the murder of one of its citizens; turning for aid to Neeru Fireblade, then, even more damningly, Magatha Grimtotem; breaking out of Orgrimmar while under arrest, leading to his eventual banishment from the Horde.
  • mokvarprofile4After Mokvar disappeared from Orgrimmar, he remained off the grid for several months, save for elemental indications to fellow shaman Spazzle that he may have met his final demise.  Ji Firepaw, however, wasn’t willing to give up hope for Mokvar’s survival (and rightly so – did anyone really think that I was not only going to kill off Mokvar, but do so off-screen? Really?), and continued investigating Mokvar’s whereabouts.  Ji’s search eventually led him to Blackrock Spire, where Mokvar made his dramatic, fel-infused return in “The scouring of the Spire.”
  • True story: I originally introduced Mokvar not even as a real character, but as a plot device to justify inclusion of the transcripts.  I realized early on that I wanted to include dialogue in the blog, but I didn’t feel like it would fit stylistically to have Garrosh writing it out as it would appear in a novel – one thing I try to maintain (with ranging degrees of success) is the appearance that Garrosh really is writing everything in the blog, as a blog, rather than a short-story-but-we’ll-call-it-a-blog-even-though-we-know-it’s-really-not-wink-wink.  Mokvar as a scribe provided an excuse to include that extra material.  Another true story: When I was first choosing Garrosh’s scribe, I pretty much went into Grommash Hold and semi-randomly picked someone who looked like he didn’t have much else to do. Who knew?
  • For the fashion/transmog-minded among you: Mokvar’s warlock attire is roughly based on the Tier 9 warlock set.
  • Mokvar’s Earth Online character, Bartleby, is a reference to the title character in Herman Melville’s short story “Bartleby the Scrivener.”  (Scrivener = scribe!)  Mokvar likewise references the story on a few occasions when repeats Bartleby’s signature line, “I would prefer not to.”
  • For anyone who hasn’t pieced it together by this point: Mokvar’s close connection to Deliana is based on their parallel in-game roles.  Pre-Cataclysm, Mokvar (in Orgrimmar) and Deliana (in Ironforge) were the questgivers who sent adventurers on the (very long and painful) quest chains to upgrade the old “Tier 0.5” dungeon sets.  The two characters offered essentially the same quests, which provided the basis for much of the in-blog backstory about Lord Valthalak.  (Valthalak’s spirit was the end boss for that quest chain, by the way, and for anyone who missed it during vanilla, fighting him at level was a NIGHTMARE.)

In his own words:

In there one event or happening you would like to erase from your past? Why?

My last job with the Veiled Blade, when we went into Blackrock Spire to collect Valthalak’s goodies.  It turned out to be nothing but trouble, and cost most of us our lives – all of us, in fact, other than me and Deliana.  (And strictly speaking, it cost me my life, too; it just didn’t stick. So, congratulations to Deliana for being the last one left standing. Was anyone running a pool?)

What’s your favorite ice cream flavor? Color? Song? Flower?

Tigule and Foror’s Lok’tar S’more-gar.  Cerulean blue.  The Lokvad’nod Broxigari.  Any daisies I’m not pushing up.

Who do you trust?

After everything we’ve been through, I trust Deliana with my life.  The same goes for Ji and Spazzle.  I trust Thrall and Eitrigg implicitly, and I’ll probably always be grateful to Thrall for giving me a safe haven all those years ago.  I trust Liadrin for her judgment, Saurfang for general badassery, and Garrosh…well, I trust Garrosh to be Garrosh.

mokvarprofile3How are you with technology? Super savvy, or way behind the times? Letters or email?

I’m no Spazzle, but I’m good enough with technology to get by.  I’m not really what you would call tech literate in the broad sense, but I do okay with specific tasks on specific devices; once I learn how to do something, I’m usually fine, but then I don’t like to stray too far from what I know, even if something new and better comes along.  I still prefer to write by hand, but I usually end up having to type things out – people are always complaining about my handwriting.

How do you react to temperature changes such as extreme heat and cold?

Heat doesn’t bother me at all.  I hardly even notice it.  Cold, on the other hand… spirits, I hate the cold.  You could not have paid me enough money to go to Northrend.

Are you an early morning bird or a night owl?

Neither, really.  I have pretty strange sleep habits: I usually tend to sleep for 2-3 hours at a time, scattered around random times in the day.  It’s a holdover from my mercenary days, when we would often have to be on the move on short notice; I developed the ability to sneak in what sleep I could when I could, and it’s stayed with me.  So now you’re equally likely to catch me awake at some odd hour in the middle of the night, or asleep in the middle of the day.  It’s the main reason why I don’t like surprise visitors.  That and the recent habit that surprise visitors have been getting into of trying to kill me.

What’s your preferred means of travel?

On wolfback.  I like feeling my feet on the ground…or at least my wolf’s feet, indirectly.  If I have to fly, I’d rather take a zeppelin or gunship.  I’ve never gotten completely comfortable on a wyvern (although I still prefer them to bats or dragonhawks or…well, I don’t know how people manage to keep their balance on those carpets).  I’ll fly on one if I need to, and I have lots of times – it just makes me uneasy while I’m up there.

If you could time travel, where would you go?

Don’t even joke about that.

Are you superstitious?

I definitely believe that there’s something out there that’s either looking out for me, or has it in for me.  I’m still not sure which.  Check back with me again another time.  Unless I’m dead, in which case we probably have our answer.

What might your ideal romantic partner be?

Someone calm, grounded.  Stable.  Not prone to emotional swings or extreme highs and lows.  Someone who’s figured themselves out, gotten comfortable with themselves, grown out of the drama and the need for everything to be a thrill ride.

If your life were a genre, what would it be?

Pretty definitely something in the action/adventure area, or at least a suspense thriller.  Be careful what you wish for, I suppose.  Sometimes I think I should have listened to my mother and been a banker instead.  When I was younger, I couldn’t wait to go out into the world and have adventures.  Thirty years of adventures later, I think I’ve had more than enough excitement.  I’d love to be bored.  I’d love to settle down comfortably in a quiet corner of Orgrimmar once we get to the other side of all this, and age into some old man who everyone considers pretty dull and uninteresting, except for every so often when he rattles off another one of his crazy stories — which most of the kids probably won’t believe really happened anyway.  I think I’ll enjoy that.

 

Previous Profiles:

  1. Spazzle Fizzletrinket
  2. Ben-Lin Cloudstrider
  3. Dontrag and Utvoch
  4. Taktani
  5. Korrina
  6. Mylune

Spazzle Speaks: Family Ties

Posted in Spazzle Speaks, Transcripts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 9, 2014 by Garrosh Hellscream

earthonline12

You have logged on.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] That’s what I told him, but I think we may just have to humor him for the time being.

[Officer][Lorthemar] Once we finish our work on the animus golem here, we should be able to augment our resources.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] thanks!

[Officer][Lorthemar] Oh, hello, Spazzle.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] You -do- seem to have been spending a lot of time on that of late.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Good evening, Spazzle.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] np

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hey guys

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered: Hey, mon.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] anyway hate to craft and run but i need to log for now

[Officer][Lorthemar] Well I suspect it’s going to yield some very useful results, once Aethas gets done with it.

You whispered to [Bob | Vol’jin]: hey

You whispered to [Bob | Vol’jin]: how are you feeling?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] later leslie

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] i have some magic research to go work on

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] how’s everyone doing?

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered: Better, mon.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] You’ll have to keep me posted of your progress.

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered: I jus’ got one ting I got to do here in Pandaria, den I be ready to come back to Durotar.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] too bad prof’s not on, he could probably help you

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered: Start workin’ on cleanin’ up da mess dere.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] lol oh dont get me started with him again

[Officer][Lorthemar] Oh, speaking of which, it looks like Jaina is doing some magic research herself.

You whispered to [Bob | Vol’jin]: that’s good, I’m glad you’re almost recovered

[ProfHubert | Faranell] has logged on.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Something of a quiet night tonight, Spazzle.

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered: What about you, mon? I haven’t heard much from ya in a while.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh hey there he is

[Officer][Lorthemar] Now I just have to see…

You whispered to [Bob | Vol’jin]: eh, it’s just been kinda crazy here

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] omg i’m leaving so dont try to get him started

[Guild][Lorthemar] What kind of research, Leslie?

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered: I bet, mon.

You whispered to [Bob | Vol’jin]: i’m in the burning steppes with garrosh

You whispered to [Bob | Vol’jin]: looking for ji

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] started on what?

[Guild][Lorthemar] I’ve been working with a number of mages myself of late.

You whispered to [Bob | Vol’jin]: we just landed in flame crest a little while ago

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Ah, well it’s good to see him logging on, I suppose.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] leslie’s doing some kind of magic research

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered: Ya talk to Ariok dere, mon?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] who, faranell? why’s that?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] oh its actually really cool lor

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I’m actually not entirely clear on the details, Spazzle.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] One moment.

You whispered to [Bob | Vol’jin]: no, he’s not here, that’s the thing

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] well that should be…adequate.

[Guild][Lorthemar] Oh? How so?

You whispered to [Bob | Vol’jin]: vahgruk says ji came here a couple days ago

You whispered to [Bob | Vol’jin]: i guess ariok went with him to blackrock spire to look for clues about mokvar

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Yes, Leslie, this sounds interesting indeed. What are you working on, pray tell?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] ok my dungeon queue just popped, probably going to be quiet for a few

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] omg prof geez

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered: Might be some fireworks is ya find ’em, mon. Ariok ain’t no fan o’ da Warchief.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] At any rate.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Evidently there was some sort of calamity at the Apothecarium earlier.

You whispered to [Bob | Vol’jin]: yeah, so I hear

[Officer][Lorthemar] I must admit, if it weren’t necessary for us to be discreet about who we are, I would love to lord our animus research over her.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] what kind of calamity?

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered: Matter of fact, mon –

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered: Ariok heard how Garrosh been treatin’ Eitrigg, he might take care of our ‘Warchief’ problems himself.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] well

[Officer][Lorthemar] You know she would burn up with jealousy if she knew what we have on our hands.

You whispered to [Bob | Vol’jin]: I’m not going to… I don’t even know what you’re suggesting, but I’m not going to

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I’m not sure; the good doctor has been rather secretive the last few days.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] not to brag but

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] we drained the power of the thunder king into a staff!

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered: I know ya don’ wanna hear it, mon, but da sooner we do somethin’ ’bout Garrosh, da easier it gonna be for all of us.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Though I’m not likely to complain – whatever is going on down there has prompted Bragor Bloodfist to spend much of his time in the Apothecarium as well, which means less time with him hovering around me.

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered: Garrosh wouldn’t help Ji.

[Officer][Lorthemar] …

[Officer][Lorthemar] klsjdhfgkjshgdfskjhgfkjsdfgkjhsgfd

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered: Ariok is.

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered: I understand why.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] huh, okay

[Officer][Lorthemar] she

[Officer][Lorthemar] she drained the power… of…

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered: Ariok see Ji, an’ all he know is he’s Horde, and he need help, and he gonna give it to ’im.

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]: hey

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered: Garrosh, he don’ see tings dat way.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] anyway!

[Officer][Lorthemar] 9oqwuolieyurgt;poayhgbihgbolugf

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] i need to run!

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered: Garrosh don’t see nothin’ but power an’ vengeance, mon.

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered: He don’t see da Horde like Ariok, or me. Or you.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] A propos of nothing, Lor’themar, you strike me as someone who might know a thing or two about fine dining. Would you happen to know what type of wine goes best with crow?

[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered: well hello, person who’s never talked to me before but now takes a sudden inexplicable interest.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] see everyone soon!

[Proudleslie | Jaina] has logged off.

[SteveKravitz | Utvoch] has logged on.

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]: um, yeah, sorry

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered: Da way I see it, da Horde is family.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Good evening, Dontrag.

[Officer][Lorthemar] I… just… she… HOW?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Interesting.

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered: Da world knock us down, family pick each other back up again.

[Officer][Lorthemar] What?!

[Officer][Lorthemar] HOW?

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] hey

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Three excellent questions, Regent-Lord.

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered: Garrosh, he don’t see family.

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered: Don’t understand it.

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered: Never had one.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] but i’m utvoch

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh, is that your alias, then?

[Officer][Lorthemar]  I think I need to go lie down.

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]: I just heard about the… whatever, down in the apothecarium

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] lol what?

[Officer][Lorthemar]  This is not good for my rage.

You whispered to [Bob | Vol’jin]: you never met lakkara, did you?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Well, it’s a curious thing, Dontrag.

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]: is everything okay?

[Lorthemar] has logged off.

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered: Who dat, mon?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Just now, Jaina Proudmoore logged off. And a few seconds later, you logged on.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Or should I say, you logged -back- on.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] yeah i logged back in, haven’t gotten to play in a couple days

[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered: i’ll manage.

You whispered to [Bob | Vol’jin]: never mind

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh come now, Dontrag.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Or whoever you really are.

You whispered to [Bob | Vol’jin]: anyway, we’ve been over this before

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] that would be utvoch

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] So you would have us believe.

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]: what about shay? is she okay?

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered: I ain’t gonna keep on ya, mon.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Do you really think we wouldn’t put two and two together?

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] well no, two and two is pretty easy math

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] And yet far greater than the calculus of your deception would presume us capable of!

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] um what?

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispers: Ya a good mon, Spazzle. I know ya don’ wanna turn on someone ya tink is a friend.

[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispers: i’m sure shayari is wonderful, wherever she is.

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispers: Ya be loyal. Dat’s a good ting.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] How long have you been Jaina Proudmoore, Dontrag?

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] dontrag’s not even here

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh no? Then to whom am I speaking? Are you -still- Jaina Proudmoore?

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]: wait

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Nay, have you in fact been Jaina Proudmoore lo this entire time in the guild?

[Bob | Vol’jin] whispered: Time gonna come, though, ya gonna have ta decide how long ya gonna be loyal ta Garrosh, when he ain’t loyal ta us.

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]: wait

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]: what???

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] no i mean dontrag is over in the valley of honor visiting his nephew ug’thok

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] he should be on soon though

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]: where is she??

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh come now, Dontrag, don’t insult our intelligence.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] why would i do that

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] If you’re going to make up a cover story, at least keep your lies straight.

[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered: that’s the 5000g question, now isn’t it?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] We all know Utvoch isn’t your nephew.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] what

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] no no not utvoch, ug’thok

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]: what happened??

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Don’t try to hide behind an obvious typographical error, Dontrag.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i’m utvoch

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Or are you Ug’thok?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Or perhaps Ig’thak?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Or Jig’nak?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Or – as the trail grows clearer – JAINA!

[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered: well, she was settling in well enough, and we were starting to go over a few lessons.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i’m confused

[GilbertRose | Dontrag] has logged on.

[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered: she seemed to be taking more of an interest in azerothian geography, but i figured she was curious about the lay of the land in her new home, so i ran through an overview for her.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh, and here’s your alleged nephew.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Or might it be Kalecgos? All bets are off at this point.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] um, whats going on?

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] who’s kalecgos?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] WHO INDEED!

[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered: and evidently, she spotted a vacation destination that looked too good to pass up, because off she went.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] what the hell?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] But one thing at a time!

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] We were just discussing, Utvoch, how your uncle, heretofore known by his alias of “Dontrag,” has at last been exposed!

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]: you can’t be serious

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] dammit ut what did you do

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i swear i just logged on

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]: you let her run away?!

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] As his true identity, Jaina Proudmoore!

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] and said where you were

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] wait, what about jaina?

[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered: i didn’t LET her do anything.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] The woman who has incurred the rightful wrath of the Horde!

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] isn’t that the lady that was in all those tabloids with thrall?

[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered: as the swollen purple region on my head will readily attest.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Ruthlessly persecuted our citizens in Dalaran!

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Indeed! Sullied the good name of a beloved Warchief!

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] ok but what about her?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Don’t act like you don’t know, Ug’thok.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] If that -is- your real name.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] wait, ug’thok is my nephew

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] that’s what i tried to tell her

[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered: incidentally, i’ll be sending garrosh the bill for the repairs to my jaw.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] No, Ug’thok is -Dontrag’s- nephew.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] right but i’m dontrag

[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered: it was brand new, too.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] and i’m utvoch

[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered: typical.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Now don’t be ridiculous, the both of you.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Why, if -you- were Utvoch, Dontrag, then that would mean that you are also Dontrag’s nephew.

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]: man seriously

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] no that’s ug’thok not utvoch

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] And clearly you could not be his nephew.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] right because we’re not related

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]: you have GOT to find her

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Because JAINA PROUDMOORE IS NO ONE’S NEPHEW!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] ok you know, i’ve been out of my dungeon for a while, but i’m just sitting here in awe, BQ

[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered: capital idea. how do you suggest i do that?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] um

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] …

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]: I… I don’t know, can’t you home in on her or something?

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i’m really confused

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] It therefore stands to reason, Dontrag, that since you are Jaina, and as such cannot be Utvoch, it must therefore be Dontrag who is Utvoch, and therefore your nephew.

[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered: this isn’t some sci-fi/fantasy novel, i can’t just wave a magic wand.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] my eyes are starting to hurt

[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered: well i can. but you know what i mean.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] but how can he be my nephew, i’m an only child

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]: dude really

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]: that time I lost a BOOK garrosh loaned me, he beat me till I was green and brown

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] SEE? And the tangled web of your would-be deception comes further unraveled!

[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered: aren’t you always green and brown?

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]: a DARKER SHADE – goblins bruise differently, ok??

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i think i need some grog

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]: the point is, that was just a book – you lost his DAUGHTER, man!

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] yea me to

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] are you having fun?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Perhaps you can conjure some, Jaina.

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]: ugh I need to go

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]: you need to get on this, really

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] um

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Does it show? ^_^

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] whatever

[SteveKravitz | Utvoch] has logged off.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] At any rate.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] i guess we’ll be back later.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I need to take off – see you later

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I’m glad we cleared all this up.

[GilbertRose | Dontrag] has logged off.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Take care, Spazzle.

[Guild][Bob | Vol’jin] Dark Lady, I jus’ gotta say, dat was beautiful.

You have logged off.

 

 

[Addendum!  Remember, we have our next Meta Raid coming up this Saturday at 8:00 PM EDT.  Just as a logistical matter, I'd appreciate it if anyone who thinks they're likely to attend would let me know, whether it be through a comment, an e-mail, a message on Twitter, or what-have-you.  Looking forward to "seeing" many of you over the weekend!]

30 Days of Character Development #6: Mylune

Posted in 30 Days of Character Development with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 1, 2014 by Garrosh Hellscream

[Each week -- or some remote facsimile thereof -- a post will profile one of the blog’s many supporting players.  (See the first profile for more details.)  Feel free to chime in with recommendations for other characters you’d like to see more about.]

 

mylune_profile1Name:  Mylune

Occupation:  Caretaker of Hyjal, wildlife custodian

Race:  Forest nymph

Class:  Druid

Age:  Unknown, though her behavior would suggest fairly young by nymph standards

Group affiliations:  Guardians of Hyjal (member), Cenarion Circle (member)

Known relatives:  Cenarius (exact relationship unclear, but all forest nymphs are descended from dryads, who are daughters of Cenarius)

Earth Online notes:  Mercifully, no one has told Mylune about Earth Online.  Or possibly about the internet.  Probably for the best in both cases.

First appearance:  “Of wyverns and pine cones

Key posts and plot points:

  • Garrosh has only encountered Mylune a few times, but those few times have been memorable ones.  He first met everyone’s favorite overly energetic nymph in “Of wyverns and pine cones,” in which Mylune was a bit too excited to meet Mortimer.  This came as a shock to no one — least of all Hamuul Runetotem — other than the Warchief himself.
  • Garrosh had another run-in with Mylune (much to his chagrin) a few months later, in “Attack of the petting zoo.”  This time around, Mylune unleashed her boundless affection on a pack of armed critters dwelling amid the northern plateaus of Mulgore.  This time, however, the critters were ready to put up a fight, the distress of which eventually launched Mylune into what can only be described as a psychotic episode.  For the record, Hamuul narrowly missed winning Malfurion’s office pool on when she would snap.
  • It only follows, then, that when Ben-Lin Cloudstrider organized an anger management seminar in the appropriately named “Anger management,” Mylune would be one of the attendees.  Given that the session consisted of putting Mylune, Garrosh, Lor’thermar Theron, and Tirion Fordring in a room together…well…the exercise proved less than productive.  Unless, of course, you’re Faranell, in which case it was a terrific way to spend an afternoon.

In her own words:

What are your most prominent physical features?

Hi!  How are you?  I hope you’re having a super happy wonderful day, because why wouldn’t you when we have this beautiful world to share with all our adorable woodland friends!

Oh… Did you ask a question?  Okay!  Well, I guess I have extra big blue eyes — for looking out for all the cuddly animals!  And my long pointed ears…to listen for the cuddly animals!  And…oh, and my slender but surprisingly steel-trap-like arms, for hugging the cuddly animals!  They’re just so sweet and cute, so how could I resist!  And hug them to my bosom!  Nice and close to my heart, that’s big and warm and just bursting with love for the animals!  Does that count too?

Name one scar you have, and tell us where it came from.  If you don’t have any, is there a reason?

I do have this one little scar on my shoulder here, but you know?  It’s a funny thing!  I don’t really remember where it came from.  Isn’t that weird?

Describe your happiest memory.

Ohhh that would have to be the first time I went up to Nordrassil.  It was before that mean demon guy climbed up there and made everyone sad for a while, and I’ll always remember walking through the passage to the peak of Mount Hyjal, and seeing all the animals running around and playing, just bunnies and squirrels and raccoons and skunks and chipmunks and OH MY LUNE they were all so adorable, and the sun was shining and the birds were singing, and like three rainbows all appeared in the sky, and I just ran and ran all around with the animals and we played and hugged and snuggled and it was all such a big happy wonderful blur but Mal says it was okay because eventually I passed out from exhaustion and finally got quiet and also because ale.

Is there one event or happening you would like to erase from your past?  Why?

The incident.  Only Miss Cloudy-bear said I should try not to think about the incident.  So, what?

What’s your favorite ice cream flavor?  Color?  Song?  Flower?

Coffee ice cream — I really really like coffee, did you know it helps give you extra energy?  Isn’t that just super?!  And my favorite color is green, and my favorite song is…oh, you know that one?  It always seems to be playing when you walk through the forests.  You know the one?  It goes like this — laaa, la la la laaaaa, la la la laah, luh la lahhh?  It’s so pretty!  I don’t really understand where it’s coming from, though.

mylune2Who do you trust?

Hamuul, and Malfurion, even though Hamuul can be all my cranky-hooves sometimes.  And Mal always seems to be hovering around watching me like he’s looking for something, but I know it’s just because he cares.  I trust all my forest nymph sisters, too, even though a lot of them don’t really hang out with me much.

Can you define a turning point in your life?  Multiples are acceptable.

The incident.  OH MY LUNE!  Why do you keep bringing up the incident?!  I’m not supposed to think about that!  What?  What incident?  Happy thoughts!  HAPPY THOUGHTS!

Is there an animal you equate to yourself?

<Mylune’s eyes go large and dewy>

I have to pick ONE?  But they’re all so SQUEEEEEEE!

How do you react to temperature changes such as extreme heat and cold?

I don’t deal with cold as well as my cousins the frost nymphs, but I really, REALLY don’t like extreme heat!  That’s sounds like something from those burny guys from the Firelands!  You’re not with THEM, are you?!

Are you an early morning bird or a night owl?

I’m always up bright and early!  Why waste the warm snuggly sunlight?

Are you a good cook?  What’s your favorite recipe?

OH MY LUNE why do you keep trying to talk about the incident?  What’s WRONG with you?  Okay, you know what!  Fine!  FINE!  YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?  WE’LL TALK ABOUT IT!  SO YEAH, I’M GOOD MOTHERFUCKING COOK, AS IF YOU DIDN’T ALREADY FUCKING KNOW!  AND YOU KNOW WHAT I COOK REALLY WELL, IT TURNS OUT?  RABBIT FUCKING STEW!  BECAUSE GUESS WHAT, ASSHOLE — SPOILER ALERT: THE DEATH OF THE SOUL TASTES FUCKING DELICIOUS!

Do you have any irrational fears?

Gee, I don’t know, what do you think — maybe I have a deep-seeded fear of HAVING ANOTHER FUCKING BLACKOUT AND WAKING UP AMID THE BODIES AGAIN?  YOU THINK MAYBE THAT KEEPS ME UP AT NIGHT?

What would your cutie mark be?

Oooh, well, maybe a heart or a rainbow, or, hey, HOW ABOUT A FUCKING SKULL AND CROSSBONES, BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK NOT IF YOU’RE GOING TO KEEP BRINGING IT UP, YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH!

mylune_profile2If you could time travel, where would you go?

WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK I WOULD GO, ASSHOLE?  MAYBE BACK TO THE GODDAMN INCIDENT YOU WON’T STOP FUCKING TALKING ABOUT!  MAYBE I’D LIKE TO TAKE THAT ONE BACK, YA THINK?!

Are you superstitious?

I know karma’s a bitch, I can tell you THAT much!

Describe your hands.  Are they small, long, calloused, smooth, stubby?

COVERED WITH DARK RED STAINS OF LOST INNOCENCE THAT WILL NEVER, EVER COME OUT.  I WASH THEM, AND WASH THEM, AND THEY NEVER COME OUT.

How do you smell?  Do you wear perfume or cologne?

Um… <deep breath>  Smell?  Oh, like smelling salts?  Um…yes, those might be handy.  They’re usually pretty helpful.

Is…is Hamuul around anywhere?  I think I need to talk to him.  I don’t know if the herbs Miss Cloudy-bear gave me are working…

 

Previous Profiles:

  1. Spazzle Fizzletrinket
  2. Ben-Lin Cloudstrider
  3. Dontrag and Utvoch
  4. Taktani
  5. Korrina

* * * * *

[A few quick OOC notes looking ahead:  I have a big stack of material on the way (hopefully) over the next week-plus, then, the weekend after next, remember that we have our next Meta Raid.  Clear your (raid) calendars for Saturday, May 10, at 8:00 PM EDT!

That Saturday (May 10) will also mark the beginning of a short break I'll be taking from posting -- I'm going to take the following week off to tend to RL commitments and do some advance prepping for the next stretch of posts.  To send you off with a bang, though, and to add an extra perk to the Meta Raid, I'm going to have one last post going up that night, right as we're gathering for our night of SoO hijinks.  (Place your bets now on whether I'm going to cook up something to leave you hanging for a bit...)]

The Liebster Award comes to Orgrimmar

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2014 by Garrosh Hellscream

liebsteraward

So this one was a surprise.  Here I was, going through my volumes and volumes of fan mail LIKE I GET ON A DAILY BASIS, and lo and behold, I get a message from someone nominating me for an award.  The someone in question was Myriade, writer of Myriadoscope, and the award in question was something called the Liebster Award, which I didn’t really know anything about at the time but which I could already say with confidence that I DAMN WELL FUCKING DESERVED.

So I did a little looking around to see what the deal was with this award, and what I would need to do to beat out the other nominees to win it, like if there was honorable combat involved because holy crap you know I would be all over that shit, but, come to find out, it doesn’t work that way.  There’s no final WINNER, just a chain of nominees naming other nominees to draw people’s attention to other blogs.  Which is kind of cool, as far as spreading the word about good reads, even if it IS a little hippie for my tastes what with the “we’re all winners!” vibe, which, come on.

Anyway.  Here’s the quasi-official description of the award, which everybody seems to be quoting, because it’s the hip thing to do these days:

Well, it is only an AWESOME award given to up and coming bloggers. Given by other up and coming bloggers. It’s a cool way to find other blogs and feel like you are getting into the blogging stratosphere. It is simple, you get nominated by someone else, mention their page and a link to their blog in your Liebster Award Post, answer the 11 questions they give you, then tag 11 other nominees and give them a new set of 11 questions to answer.

So, as you can see, receiving the nomination means I have some work to do now.  FUCKING AWESOME IDEA FOR AN AWARD, FOLKS, HONOR PEOPLE BY STICKING THEM WITH FUCKING HOMEWORK.  Anyway.  Here are the 11 questions from Myriade:

1.  Favourite race/class in WoW and why?

Quick note on the lingo here: Those of you who aren’t as internet-savvy as yours truly might be a little thrown off by that “WoW” acronym.  Apparently it’s a new thing in online circles to use that as an abbreviation for “Whole of World,” as in, fucking everywhere.  Which, granted, is kind of like how some people will literally say “LOL” now rather than just laughing, which I’ve never really gotten on board with myself, because fuck those assholes.  Anyway.

As for the actual question, I mean, come on, you even need to ask this?  Orc, because what the fuck else would I want to be, and warrior.

2.  Achievement/Title you’re proudest of?

Obviously, the easy answer here is the title of Warchief.  Hard to top that one.  Still, I could probably make a case for Chieftain of the Warsong Clan, since that one came from me pulling my emo head out of my ass to assume my place as leader of our clan and Grom’s successor.

But, nah, I’m still going to go with Warchief.

Although, since I’m probably going to be heading down to Blackrock Mountain soon, I may have to see about picking up [Leeeeeeeeeeeeeroy!] while I’m in the neighborhood.

3.  What’s in your bags (any character, or all of them)?

Huh.  I’m not sure if this is asking about real life, or my Earth Online characters.  I mean, for myself in reality, I don’t really walk around with a whole lot of stuff on me.  (Such as, you know, a shirt.)  I try not to weigh myself down more than I have to, seeing as I need to be ready to leap into action at a moment’s notice, and really, keeping Mannoroth’s tusks balanced on my shoulders can be a tough enough job on its own, without lugging extra crap around with me.

As for my EO toons, hoo boy, they have flat-out TOO MUCH stuff in their bags.  Just tons of random crap, receipts from vendors, little odds and ends that they’ve picked up but aren’t really useful for anything but I still haven’t ever gotten around to tossing.  And by the way, I just have to ask, who the fuck is the psychopath over at Genesis Entertainment who designed the bag system in Earth Online?  Dude, you can’t carry fucking ANYTHING with you!  You pick up like six or seven things, and your bags are full.  Have these game designers never left their houses or something, so they don’t even know about stacks of 20?!

4.  Favourite expansion/instance/boss fight?

Huh.  Another Earth Online question.  Okay.  Well, there’s still plenty of content I’ve never gotten around to, to be honest, but I’m pretty fond of the BlizzCon raid.  It’s always kind of a hoot seeing which random contestant spawns you get in the cosplay gauntlet leading up to the Joker Jay <Host with the Mohr– er, Most> boss.  But I think my favorite encounter is the Lore Panel council fight — you know, the one with the lead quest design guy, and the historian adds, and most of all the council leader guy, Chris what’s-his-face, the dude with the beard who kinda sounds like Varian.  I LOVE getting to run up and smack that guy in the face.  Especially if it’s one of those pulls where he randomly mind controls me for a minute and makes to do some shit that doesn’t make a damn bit of sense.

5.  Pet peeve in WoW?

Wait, you want me to narrow this down to one?  I don’t know about that.  But here’s a few, off the top of my head:

Humans.

Gnomes. OMFG gnomes.

Whoever it is who keeps using the last of the toilet paper in the Grommash Hold outhouse and not putting out a new roll.  (Your Warchief does NOT like having to do the Waddle of Shame over to the storage shed.)

Dontrag.

Utvoch.

“There”/”their”/”they’re”.  Because FUCK YOU, internet:

grammar

Varian, especially the way he keeps breathing.

Being corrected on which one is Dontrag and which one is Utvoch, as if anybody really gives a shit.

6.  What inspired your blog?

I think I mentioned this way back in my first post.  It all got started when Eitrigg recommended I take up blogging.  He said I might find it a helpful outlet, to talk about what’s on my mind, keep a running record of my experiences, all that sort of thing.  I think he figured it would give me a chance to reflect more, and think about situations before acting.  Or some lazy old man shit like that.  Anyway, that’s how it got started, and it’s just been a gravy train of awesome since then.  AREN’T YOU LUCKY.

7.  Favourite blog-related moment?

Umm… Well, considering I detail almost everything that happens to me here, pretty much any moment from the last couple of years would be a blog-related moment, right?  Gotta say, that one mailbag where Windblossom wrote in about clocking Varian still gives me all kinds of happy.  Memory lane:

fyv

I’m sure there others.  I might point out others as I think of them.

8.  One thing you can’t live without?

Okay, okay, go ahead and make your joke about lemon squares.

Real answer?  Sappy as it sounds, Gorehowl.  Not even for what an awesome weapon it is, either.  Having it with me is like a constant, living (but not) reminder of where I’ve come from, of the legacy of my father and the resilience of the Horde, of everything our people have endured and overcome.  Having it with me is like a validation of our kind.  Like a little part of Grom is still here, watching what he enabled us to become.

9.  Place you’d most like to visit?

Hmm.  You know, I’ve gotten around a whole lot the last few years, between the Northrend campaign, and all my inspection visits around Azeroth, and now all our work in Pandaria…  I’m not sure if there’s really anywhere I haven’t gotten to see at this point, other than, like, other planets and shit.  Or, say, getting to see places I know, like back home on Draenor, back before things got all fucked up.  But that would be changing WHERE I’d most like to visit to WHEN I’d most like to visit, which is cheating, for one thing, and also, FUCKING TIME TRAVEL.

10.  Favourite fictional character?

At the risk of being repetitive, this guy:

metzen

I mean, can you imagine if someone like that actually existed?

11.  Soundtrack to your life?

Well, most days, when things are going fairly well, it’s pretty much this:

 

 

But there’s also this:

 

 

And this:

 

 

(Also, in that one, note the Mortimer cameo at 3:24!)

And, let’s face it, given the clowns I usually have surrounding me, some days I feel like it might as well be this:

 

 

And last but not least, if I’m honest, when I’m in one of my more puckish moods, this:

 

 

Also, the kazzoo?  That’s totally me.

 

So, next up.  This is the part where I’m supposed to link 11 more blogs, and give those bloggers 11 questions of their own to answer.  One problem, though — I was going back through some blogs to tag, and while there are a few that still haven’t gotten a nomination already, for every one I found that no one had gotten to, there were like 10 would-be nominees that were already off the table.  So, you know, if you do the math there, that means that in order to pull together my 11, I would have to rifle through something like 110 blogs, and, I mean…I’m just way too lazy for that shit.  I mean really.

SO.  Here’s where I cheat a little and change things up, so I can still do some tagging and point some attention to some worthy bloggers, while also indulging my laziness.  STAND BACK, BITCHES, because your Warchief is about to flip the script like Lor’themar flips benches.

SO, here’s the deal.  I’m still going to toss out 11 questions to be answered, but instead of scraping together a blog list to tag, I am tagging…YOU.  That’s right, you — if you’re reading this post, consider yourself tagged, so you scroll your ass right down to the comments and post a reply with your 11 answers.  NO DUCKING OUT ON THIS COMMAND FROM YOUR WARCHIEF, PEOPLE.  Especially if you’re one of my regular readers and commenters — I know you’re out there, and I know who you are, and most importantly I KNOW WHERE MANY OF YOU LIVE.

And now, the questions.  READ ’EM AND WEEP.

  1. Do you write a blog?  Link it here if so!
  2. What was the first Azerothian blog you ever read?  Was there an early memorable post that hooked you?
  3. Recommended reading, part one!  Link and endorse three bloggers that you’d encourage your fellow readers and minions should check out.
  4. Recommended reading, part two — link one single post, from wherever, that makes you think “OMG, people HAVE to read this.”
  5. How long have you been reading the Command Board?  What post or storyline was your jumping-on point?
  6. One more chance for shameless self-promotion: Are you on Twitter?  Give yourself a non-Friday #FF here if so.  Also feel free to recommend a few accounts worth following.
  7. What class do you play on Earth Online?  (Don’t try to deny that you play.  I know my readers.)
  8. What real-life ability to do you wish your Earth Online character could use?
  9. Here, I’ll throw a bone to Utvoch.  The age-old hoof question: Fem-taur or draenei girls?
  10. Whose head would you rather have on a pike, Varian’s or Magatha’s?
  11. If the world were going to end (or change substantially) in, say, oh, six months or so, what would be your bucket list of things you’d want to get done first?

There, you have your assignment.  Get to it!  YOUR WARCHIEF HAS SPOKEN.

Monday mailbag

Posted in Mailbag with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 3, 2014 by Garrosh Hellscream

mailbag

So, I know I have plenty to update you all on after last time, but before I start getting into any of that, it’s time to dip into the mail…

 

A few questions for the Warchief:

I’ve noticed that Saurfang has not shown up in the EO chat logs for quite a while.  Has he been dropped from the guild or simply quit playing?

Garona seems fairly, well… Bipolar.  Has anyone thought to see if Faranell has some sort of magical or alchemical cure?

Why do folks get bent out of shape when I grab a burger?  Tauren aren’t cows, so it’s not canabalism.

What is your favorite spirit or brew?  I’m willing to buy you and Malkorok a drink, although I suggest not drinking his.

Karlsohn, Thunder Bluff

Hey, Karlsohn, thanks for writing.  I guess I’ll tackle these in order:

Yeah, you know, I was thinking of this when I logged on the other day.  For those of you who might not remember, I got Saurfang to give EO a try with a refer-a-friend invite over a year ago, and got him into the guild.  He seemed to take to the game well enough, and was flying through levels for a while there, but then he just stopped turning up.  Like I said, this occurred to me the other day, so I looked up his last login – he hasn’t been online since around the time of the Theramore victory.  I guess EO didn’t grow on him THAT much, or maybe he got to the point where he was going to have to start paying the monthly subscription, and, well, you know how old guys are about parting with their hard-earned coppers.  And it’s not like I’ve been in contact with him much since things started heating up in Pandaria, so, y’know, your guess is as good as mine there.

Holy fucking hell, Karlsohn, that idea is frigging BRILLIANT.  Why the fuck did nobody think of this before?  Assuming Faranell’s got anything in that lab of his that’s not…y’know…fucking acid or something, he’s got to have SOMETHING that can even Garona out.  And if he doesn’t, I’ll take the acid.  You know the old saying: sprits grant me the strength to fix the things I can, the acid to liquefy the things I can’t, and the…um…some third thing I don’t really care about.  Anyway.

Don’t worry about the tauren, they’re just sensitive like that.  I’ve tried making the exact same point with them, but apparently cows are close enough to give them the heebie-jeebies.  Personally, I think they need to learn to relax a little, because let’s face it – so far in recent memory we’ve established relations with cow people, lizard people, bear people, goat people, buffalo people, walrus people, spider people, fish people, cat people, bear people again, monkey people, and bug people.  At the rate we’re going, if we make a point of not eating anything that resembles a race we know, the menu is going to get real short real fast.

I’m pretty fond of Blackrock Lager.  Also, the ogre brew I tried last time I was in Outland packed a pretty good punch.  (Don’t try mixing it with felweed, though.)  Also, don’t worry about me drinking Malkorok’s drink.  True fact: the guy is really big on those fruity weirdo drinks, like the ones that always come with those little umbrellas in them.  I mean, I like some cherry grog now and again, but that’s as far as I go.

 

I’m going to be a warrior, much to Matron Battlewail’s dis disapt well, she isn’t happy.  Do you have any advice for a newblood like me?  I want to bring glory to the Horde, but not if I trip while charging at the training dummies!  What if that happens in battle?!  I don’t want to make you and the Horde unhappy!

Aka’Magosh,

Mirembe, Orgrimmar

Lok’tar, Mirembe, thanks for writing.  Try not to worry about Battlewail too much.  She always seems to have some kind of complaint about something.  “What about the children?” my ass.

Anyway, if you’re having trouble with your warrioring, have I ever got some good news for you.  There’s sort of a boot camp off the coast of the Barrens where you can go to work on your skills, above and beyond what you get from your regular trainer.  Matter of fact, it used to be the only place where warriors could learn Berserker Stance, before it sold out and went all mainstream.  So, next time you manage to give Battlewail the slip, head on down to Fray Island.  It’ll be tough going at first, I’m not going to lie, but give it time.  Orgrimmar wasn’t built in a day (especially that front gate, post-Cataclysm, because goblin contractors), and remember, there’s no shame in not being as awesome as me right off the bat.  Well, okay, there’s a little shame, but not much.  Point is, stick with the program, hang in there through the rough patches, and they’ll make a man out of you.  Unless you’re a girl.  In which case they’ll… erm… um… that is… they’ll…do something.  Something good.  Or whatever.  SEE, POLITICAL CORRECTNESS RUINED A PERFECTLY GOOD PEP TALK THERE.

 

Ey, warchief, didja know dat wyvern got three ballsacks?  Dat’s all.

Marie’juanna

<sigh>

I’ve said it before.  I’ll say it again.

Felweed is a hell of a drug.

Yeah, these are my readers.  Sadly.

 

Please explain Twitter.  I try to explain it to some other orcs, but they think its only to tell people that you’re going to the bathroom or to post pictures of food.  It got even worse when Dontrag and Utvoch got involved to explain Twitter.

Sir, seriously, why are some orcs so damn dumb?  It’s embarrassing.

Ruekie (@RuekieShaman), Shaman-in-training

FOR FUCK’S SAKE, REUKIE – um, I mean, for crying out loud, Reukie (YOU HUSH NOW, BATTLEWAIL), DO NOT TELL DONTRAG AND UTVOCH ABOUT TWITTER.  Are you freaking kidding me?  There isn’t enough failure and jackassery on the internet already?  No.  Just NO.  A world of no.  All the no that’s ever been ’no’wn.

But anyway, fine, I’ll try to help you explain the whole Twitter thing.  I’m really kind of amazed that there are people so stupid that they don’t already know what it is.  So, Twitter is this… thing…on the internet.  Where you go and type stuff.  Like publicly.  On a web site.  Unless you’re doing it on an app.  (Which I am in NO WAY WHATSOEVER going to try to explain to the Wonder Twins.)  And so you can type things into Twitter, and other people on the internet can read it and respond and shit.  It’s kind of like having a little tiny blog, read by other people with little tiny blogs, only you all have fucking nuclear ADD so you can’t stay focused on any post longer than 140 characters.  Or I guess you could maybe think of it like texting, if your texts weren’t being sent to anyone in particular.  So you go to send a text, and when the little texting robot asks you who to send it to, you just throw up your hands and you’re all “Fuck it, whoever, I don’t care.  Everyone.  Send it to everyone, ever.”  That’s Twitter.

Let me stress again: D&U, YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO START FUCKING AROUND WITH TWITTER.  Although, it actually MIGHT be funny to get Tirion started on it, and then see how many times he runs up against the 140-character limit before his fucking head explodes.

 

Dear exalted Warchief,

As we have seen, when Ji Firepaw was first introduced to you, he (as a mark of respect for and recognition of your status) called you Emperor.  You appeared to take violent offense to that, and my question is, why?  You fit the definition.  You are the undisputed ruler of both your own national people, and a wide-ranging (multi-continental) group of non-orc nations, who none-the-less submit to you.  (Even we of the Ebon Blade, though not a nation as such, acknowledge your position.  Well, most of us.  Some of us.  Whatever.)

–Sintra E’Drien

See, I think you’re misreading me there, Sintra.  People seem to do that a lot.  I swear, if people keep pointing out my “violent offense” at things, I’m going to start thinking that maybe possibly YOU GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKERS THINK I’VE GOT A FUCKING TEMPER OR SOME SHIT.

That said, I was pretty much correcting Ji simply because “Warchief” is my title, not “Emperor.”  Officially.  Yet.  You’re right, though — I DO fit the definition.  Seeing as how “Warchief” has been the title for a good long while, though, I figure I should keep rolling with it until I do something that, say, leads to a dramatic increase in Horde territory, power, and influence.  Like, I don’t know, wiping out a rival power or three and annexing their lands.  Now, see, THEN you could make a pretty good case that the Horde had achieved honest-to-fuck imperial status.  And at THAT point, well, I can’t see there being much opposition at all to a triumphant leader declaring himself Emperor.  Which DOES have a ring to it, I have to admit.  Maybe I’ll even have some new processional music written up for myself and everything.

 

If you had the opportunity to meet your younger self, let’s say at 5 years old, what would you say to the young Garrosh?

What do you imagine that youngster would think of you?

Kee, Jade Forest, Pandaria

Okay, first of all, considering all the timey-whimey shit I’ve already had to deal with, don’t even JOKE about shit like that.  Haven’t we dodged enough bullets with time being fucked with?  Do we have to sit down and come up with MORE clusterfuckery we could stir up for ourselves?  Seriously, at this point, I don’t even want to be REMINDED of the Bronze Dragonflight.  If I ever see any of those fuckers again, it’ll be too soon.  Or too late.  That is…um… FUCKING TIME TRAVEL.

But okay, if you want to play some weird hypothetical game with this, here.  If I could talk to 5-year-old me – at which point I would have JUST been recovering from the red pox, and my mom would have still been alive – I would mostly tell him to spare himself the whiny emo phase, because Grom was actually pretty awesome.  Don’t take everything at face value – yeah, on the surface it looks like the old man was a real piece of work, but it turns out that he was a hero in the end, and nobody even knew.  And I have to figure young-me would listen, because he’d be sharp enough to take one look at how awesome he grows up to be and figure, damn, I must know what I’m talking about.

Oh, yeah, and while I was at it, I would tell myself to lay off the draenei chicks, because man oh man, is THAT one ever going to come back to bite you in the ass.

Speaking of which…

 

Heeey, how ya doing Hellscream!

My name is Kitti Scrollwiki, Goblin Scribe for the Azeroth Inquirer, Horde Edition. There are raging hot rumors about you and my readers everywhere just want to know more!

Who is Shayari’s mother?  It is rumored she is Draenei.  Is this true?

How long ago did this happen?

Is the mother very pretty?  What attracted you to her?

How did you meet?

How long was your romance with her?

What food would best describe her?

Did Greatmother know?  How did she respond?

Where can we find her now?

Is there any chance of reconciliation with her?

Are you paying child support?

How are your current girlfriend(s) reacting to all this?  For that matter….who are your current girlfriend(s)?  Inquiring minds want to know!

Oh, oh, oh, oh….

IS IT TRUE YOU ARE SHAYARI’S FATHER?  (I almost forgot that, silly me.)  This has been the hot topic of Orgrimmar while you were gone.

(By the way, if you have any juicy details you want to share, you know, just between you and me…I won’t tell anyone.  On my honor as a Goblin.)

Don’t delay in responding!  The Love Is In The Air followup edition is preparing to go out and this will make the pages sizzle!  Hellscream’s Torrid Love Affair! Cha-ching!

Keep it real!

Kitti Scrollwiki, Scribe, Azeroth Inquirer, Horde Edition

Yeah, so, I had to figure I was going to have to deal with some shit like this.  As much as we’re trying to keep a lid on the whole Shayari deal, you had to know some rumors would start slipping out.  So…same as with the letter further above, let me take these in order:

Shayari’s mother’s name was Marsiya.  Yes, she was a draenei.  I mean, really, have you seen Shayari?  You weren’t able to piece that much together?  Incisive journalistic mind you’ve got, I see.

Shayari’s seventeen years old.  Why don’t you get out a pencil and paper and see if you can math out your own answer to this one.

What, you think I’d go slumming?  Even back then, I didn’t have to settle.  THE LADIES LOVE GARROSH.

Our eyes met from across the crowd.  The moon was full and bright, its luminous glow dancing upon the surface of the water, and the air was sweet with honeysuckle.  Across the lakeside pavilion, orc and draenei spun and danced in dizzying spectacle as the midsummer gala launched into its annual reverie.  Distant voices, mirthful and musical, whispered unnoticed through the warm breeze, the whole of our attentions rapt upon each other’s gaze, in one of those singular moments both uncanny and sublime in which the universe seems, fleetingly, to reveal itself to the soul.  IS THAT THE KIND OF SHIT YOU’RE LOOKING FOR?  Fucking hell.  We both lived in broke-ass starving villages shoved off into the ass end of a planet that some fuckhead went and blew up.  What the fuck do you THINK we were doing?  We were both out hunting to see if we could find enough food so that, hey, maybe THIS week half a dozen people we know WON’T croak, and we ended up fighting over who had dibs on that extra-meaty-looking talbuk, and somewhere in middle of kicking each other’s asses we took a good look and realized, hey, this one’s not half bad.

Depending on how you count, two months or eight minutes.  Admittedly, not my best work.

Fish, because I hear tell fish is brain food, and she obviously was smart enough to know not to ask a FUCKING STUPID-ASS QUESTION LIKE THIS ONE.

NO SHE DID NOT.  And does not.  And still has a fucking killer right hook, so ixnay on abbingblay, for fuck’s sake, okay?

Go to Nagrand, pick a patch of ground that looks good to you, dig about six feet down, and cross your fingers.

See above.  Unless you brought a Ouija board, not likely.

Oh, I’m paying, all right.  I’m paying.

No comment.  Also no comment.  And ESPECIALLY no comments from YOU, Garona.

And finally:  No comment.  Classified.  Matters of internal security.

Okay.  Deftly handled, if I do say so myself.  Hopefully that puts an end to the Shayari inquiries.

 

Garrosh Hellscream, Warchief of the Horde,

I write to you after witnessing the disgusting perversion you show towards my people, specifically a child who may or may not be sired by you.  I can see clearly that your kind are filthy mongrels even outside of battle, and will never be among the holy Naaru you pig fucking animals.  Goodbye and may the Naaru char your city to dust.

Vindicator Toriix, Exodar

Or not.

So.

As the child in question might say, you mad, bro?

I mean, really, I don’t know what you’ve got going on over at the Exodar – other than, y’know, hanging out with the talking chandelier and disco dancing like a motherfucker – but woo boy, you need to relax like nobody’s business.  Seriously, dude, you need to get laid or something.  Believe me, it’ll help you unwind.

Speaking of which, I’m not going to dignify perversion-this and mongrels-that with a response, but I do have to correct you on point of fact: not pig-fucking.  Goat.  Goat.

P.S.  Your mom says hi.

TOODLES.

 

That does it for this week, but as always, keep those letters coming.  E-mail me at garrosh1337@gmail.com or use the handy-dandy form below.

More soon.

 

Birth announcement

Posted in General, Transcripts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 26, 2014 by Garrosh Hellscream

earthonline11

Faranell’s gotten things lined up for Shayari’s move to the Undercity.  She won’t be leaving for a couple days still, but everything should be in order.  That also leaves me some time to get down there to see how she’s doing before she heads out of town.  I haven’t gotten much of a chance to go see her yet – yeah, yeah, I know, even after Liadrin made such a stink over it – what with everything else I need to take care of around here.  I’m not going to be in Orgrimmar much longer than Shayari, only in my case, when I leave I need to know everything is set to run smoothly while I’m in Pandaria, and in order to make sure that happens…well, come on.  You’ve seen the pinhead minions I’m surrounded with, mostly.  Hell, even Malkorok has been in lousy spirits (yes, even by Malkorok standards) ever since he got back from helping the doc with Shay’s arrangements the other day.

Anyhow, point being, there’s been a shitload of stuff going on.  We’ve got some major construction projects in the works, which means we’re going to need tons of resources.  Lumber, fuel, the whole nine yards.  We even need to up the food supplies just to feed all the extra workers we’re bringing in.  In order to keep up with the demands, I’m reassigning some Kor’kron to the Barrens to work on gathering resources.  On the plus side, all the manpower we need pretty much means there’s no such thing as unemployment in Orgrimmar anymore.  (That should look pretty damn nice on my record when I run for reelection.  OH WAIT, THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS, I’M APPOINTED FOR LIFE.  Suck THAT, would-be rivals from within my own party.)

Needless to say, all this has kept me pretty busy with meetings and planning sessions and OH DID I MENTION THE FUCKING PAPERWORK?  And this time around I can’t even shuffle it off on Eitrigg, since he’s being all pissy about being quasi-sorta-kinda-demoted.  Things have been so packed, schedule-wise, that I’ve barely had a chance to catch any down time…but, seeing as this is the first time in months that I’ve actually had a stable internet connection…

 

You have logged on.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  but if you get a buff from eating, why don’t you a bigger buff if you eat more?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well well, look who we have here!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  because they want you to go do things in the game, not sit around eating all day

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  A good day to you, daddy dearest.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  well that’s just crazy talk

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza]  Hello Omgipwnedurface

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  …

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  HI PWN

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  hi omgipwnedurface

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  hey boss

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So I’m guessing you’ve talked to Faranell

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  wait, what?

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  GOOD TO SEE YOU ON

[EdwardBear | Ji] whispered:  hello, garrosh, i was wondering if i could have a word with you

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  I swear I didn’t say anything to her, boss

You whispered to [EdwardBear | Ji]:  Oh this should be good

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah hi

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  He emailed me earlier, yes sir.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh yeah, I know YOU’RE all about keeping secrets, Half-Pint

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Faranell, that is.  Not Spazzle.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  NOT ME

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  yeah

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  By way of making arrangements for the arrival of…what was her name again?

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  hey, did you get my email?

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  I HOPE YOUR CONNECTION IS BETTER

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Shayari

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  Yeah, I did

[EdwardBear | Ji] whispered:  well i’ve been thinking about the mokvar situation – it seems like his problems all go back to blackrock mountain, so i was thinking maybe if did some looking around there we might be able to come up with some new leads

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  I think I get why you did what you did, not that it still doesn’t irritate the fuck out of me

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  no really, whats with the daddy dearest thing?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Ah yes, Shayari.  Lovely name.  Does it mean anything?

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  well, I think that was everything mokvar told me about his past as a mercenary and the attacks on him

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, I’m back home on my normal connection

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oh, you haven’t heard, Gayle?

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  It better be.  I’ve had more than enough of everybody running around with secrets

[EdwardBear | Ji] whispered:  i was talking to eitrigg a few days ago and he mentioned his son lives near there, and knows blackrock mountain well, so he might be able to help investigate

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  OH COOL

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh fucking hell

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  me too

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Well apparently it means “I think I’ll go blab” in banshee-talk

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Our esteemed guild leader is a father.

You whispered to [EdwardBear | Ji]:  Okay, so tl;dr, you’re still picking at the damn Mokvar thing, and what a shock, now Eitrigg is encouraging you in continuing to be a pain in the ass

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  …

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Here we go

You whispered to [EdwardBear | Ji]:  Now listen to me because I’m only going to say this once

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  oh boy…

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  …

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza]  Congratulations Omgipwnedurface

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  ok

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  YAH GRATS

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  ok

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza]  Thats wonderful news

You whispered to [EdwardBear | Ji]:  I don’t give a shit what Mokvar had gotten himself into.  By the time he got shown the door, he’d burned about fifteen bridges, and I’m past the point of caring why.  He’s dead.  And if he’s not dead, he might as well be, because he’s dead to ME

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  ok

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  WHAT???

You whispered to [EdwardBear | Ji]:  So whatever hairbrained scheme you’ve got in mind, drop it.  Let it GO.  THE END

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You really had to, huh?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  ^_^

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  he’s

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  WHAT

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  A bouncing baby girl, if I’m told correctly.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] … … … …

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I mean…seriously?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well, to be fair, Warchief…

[EdwardBear | Ji] whispered:  if you say so, sir

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  THATS AWESOME PWN

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  ok so obviously I must have been staring at an old god or something

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Dontrag and Utvoch haven’t logged on in weeks.  Jaina hasn’t been on as much lately.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  because I MUST have gone insane and thought I just read that

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I need to amuse myself -somehow-.

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza]  Mrs Pwnurface must be so excited

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oh, I know, Gayle; at first I thought the news was too good to be true as well!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  oh yes

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  yes PWN, let’s HEAR about mrs pwnurface

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  For fuck’s sake

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  HOW ABOUT HER PWN

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You know what

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Again, out of fairness, Warchief, I’m not even lying.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  She’s DEAD, actually, if you must know

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  When Faranell told me, my first thought honestly was, “Oh, this is too good.”

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  OH YIKES

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay, so listen, after this, could you PLEASE zip it about the kid?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  you’re spiritsdamned right she’s dead

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I was planning to try to keep this hush-hush for now

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oh course, dear Warchief.

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza]  I’m so sorry Omgipnedurface

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza]  Was it in childbirth

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Henceforth I will keep your secret locked away in the securest of figurative underground vaults as if it were a recalcitrant death knight.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  No, it was later

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  She got sick from a plague, basically

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  A plague?  Oh dear, it wasn’t one of ours, was it?

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  OH

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza]  Oh dear

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  That is, rather…it -wasn’t- one of ours, certainly.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Since obviously we have long since stopped making plague.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  WAIT HOW LONG AGO COULD THIS BE IF YOU’RE A NEW DAD

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  What plague, actually?  Did someone mention plague?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  That sounds ghastly to me.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  YES

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay look

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  EXACTLY HOW LONG AGO

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Ick, plague, I say.  Blech!

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  How are -you- today, Spazzle?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I’m going to go over this once and then have done with it, okay?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  And YOU STFU ALREADY GAYLE

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  hey, don’t try to drag me into this

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  I’m in enough trouble already

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  oh oh I’m all ears

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  you’re on your own!

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oh, drat.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  NOT UNLESS “EAR” IS THE NEW WORD FOR “MOUTH” AND I MISSED THE FUCKING MEMO OR SOMETHING

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  FINE

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered:  I mean SERIOUSLY, WTF??

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So yeah, I’ve got a daughter

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  She’s not a newborn, she’s in her teens now, I just… let’s just say I just gained custody and leave it at that

You whispered to [Nightengayle | Garona]:  Oh will you knock it the fuck OFF

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Custody, and awareness.

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered:  and the surprise daughter is a TEENAGER already too?!

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Have you not said enough already today?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oh, never.  ^_^  But do continue.

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza]  Oh congratulations

[Officer][LivinDeadGirl | Sylvanas]  Re-sealing the vault!  ^_^

You whispered to [Nightengayle | Garona]:  Yeah, she is, and hey, check it out, she even got to be a teenager in real time, unlike some other people I could mention

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So yeah, she’s just in town for a little while now

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  That’s the long and the short of it, and if you don’t mind I’d rather not have to answer like a zillion questions about her

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered:  …

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered:  how is this the first I’m hearing about this??

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  YAH I CAN SEE HOW YOU’D WANT TO KEEP YOUR PRIVACY

You whispered to [Nightengayle | Garona]:  Hey, listen, I didn’t even know about her until last week

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza]  If you don’t mind me asking one question though Omgiownedurface

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered:  oh aren’t you a prince

You whispered to [Nightengayle | Garona]:  when Liadrin came breezing into town with a little bundle of WTF in tow

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza]  Why is she only in town a little while

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, fine

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered:  wait a minute

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered:  liadrin???

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza]  And I promise I won’t pry any further

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  That much is simple, she’s going away to school, pretty much

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered:  THAT stick figure?  are you KIDDING me??

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza]  Oh

You whispered to [Nightengayle | Garona]:  NOT LIKE THAT FOR FUCK’S SAKE

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza]  Well I’m sure youll miss her

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, I’m sure

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza]  But its important sometimes to give your children that push off the ledge and hope they fly

You whispered to [Nightengayle | Garona]:  Liadrin found her in Silvermoon after she got kicked out of Dalaran for being half orcish

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza]  You cant protect them from everything however much you might want to

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  UM RED

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered:  wait, HALF orcish? what’s the other half then? because I swear if you slept with a human I think I’ll scream

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza]  Sometimes theyre going to get hurt

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza]  Or captured

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza]  Or mutated into monstrosities

You whispered to [Nightengayle | Garona]:  YOU FUCKING FUCKED MEDIVH, who the fuck are you to criticize?!

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  RED

[EdwardBear | Ji] has logged off.

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza]  And then you have to authorize their extermination for the greater good

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered:  I was young and into older men!

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza]  But thats parenting for you

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  RED CHECK YOUR WHISPERS

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  um, boss?

You whispered to [Nightengayle | Garona]:  Well I was young and into draenei girls!

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza]  What were we talking about again

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza]  Oh okay

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered:  …

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered:  !!!

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  What?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Incidentally, Honalee, is everything all right with Leslie?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I don’t mean to pry, but I’m not accustomed to seeing you online without her.

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered:  ok I need to log off for a few

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered:  I need to go stab something

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  YA SHE’S JUST BUSY WITH WORK THIS WEEK

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oh?  Anything in particular?

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered:  WE WILL CONTINUE THIS LATER

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  NOT REALLY, JUST THE SAME STUFF SHE’S BEEN DOING THE LAST FEW WEEKS NOW

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  so… I’m afraid our furry companion has gone and done something rash

[Nightengayle | Garona] has logged off.

That player is not online.

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  Oh no, what did Fat Boy Slim do now?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I like to think I’ve been able to provide her with something of a supportive ear from time to time.  I’m more than happy to do the same for you, if you’d ever care to have a sounding board.

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  well… I think he may be about to skip town to head to blackrock mountain

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  Fucking hell

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Sometimes it can be helpful to air your thoughts with someone impartial.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I need to log.  Some things just came up here that I have to check on

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  You know, concerns for your significant other, anxieties, random specific details about her exact undertakings these days, including but not limited to key initiatives, dates, and locations.

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  I’m coming over, you can fill in the rest then

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I know, I know, it’s cliche.  But still.

You have logged off.

 

30 Days of Character Development #3: D&U

Posted in 30 Days of Character Development with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 12, 2014 by Garrosh Hellscream

[Each week, a post will profile one of the blog’s many supporting players.  (See the first profile for more details.)  Since I didn’t get around to posting a profile last week, this time around I’m making up for it with a double of sorts.  Feel free to chime in with recommendations for other characters you’d like to see more about!]

 

d-and-u_profileNamesDontrag and Utvoch

Occupation:  Horde infantry soldiers (ranks: Dontrag—Sergeant; Utvoch—Scout)

AgeDontrag—31; Utvoch—29

Race:  Orc

Class:  Warrior

Group affiliations:  Horde (members), Overlord Krom’gar’s army (former members)

Known relativesDontrag—Adrasa (sister), Ug’thok (nephew); Utvoch—Krila (aunt)

Earth Online notes:  D&U play EO with mains GilbertRose (Dontrag) and SteveKravitz (Utvoch), and are members of Garrosh’s guild <Warchief>.  Utvoch briefly changed his character’s name to “Dranosh,” but was roundly criticized for the name choice, because really.  He reversed the name change shortly thereafter.  Also, guildmate Sylvanas Windrunner appears to take particular amusement in baiting the duo into arguments about which of them is which.

First appearance:  “Visiting Zoram’gar” (first mention), “Underneath the bunker” (first full transcript appearance)

Key posts and plot points:

  • An unsuspecting Garrosh first encountered Dontrag and Utvoch at Silverwind Refuge in “Visiting Zoram’gar” and dispatched them to join Overlord Krom’gar’s forces in Stonetalon.  He would later encounter them during his investigation of Krom’gar’s operations in “Underneath the bunker” – featuring D&U in supporting roles in Mokvar’s first transcript.
    (D&U can be found in-game both at Silverwind Refuge and in the Deep Reaches beneath Krom’gar’s fortress.  In the latter instance, they’re joined by goblin questgiver Blastgineer Igore; blog readers may take a certain amusement in Igore’s quest-text commentary on our cerebrally challenged friends.)
  • After Krom’gar’s “dismissal,” D&U remained stationed in Stonetalon, under the command of newly appointed Overlord Cliffwalker.  They were frequently recalled to Orgrimmar and other locations for various missions, but remained officially assigned to Cliffwalker in Stonetalon prior to their dispatch to Pandaria.
  • Evidently, according to a letter from D&U in one mailbag, Utvoch has (or had) enrolled in some extension courses, including diplomatic writing.  Academic records from the undertaking have not been released.  At one point, Utvoch convinced Dontrag to take a class with him, but the pair failed the course when they were caught handing in the same paper.  To the same instructor.  Yes, really.
  • Utvoch – sans Dontrag – traveled to old Hillsbrad, ten years in the past, with Garrosh, Mokvar, Liadrin, and Faranell during the Anti-Plague of Southshore storyline.  Like the other members of the group, Utvoch later found himself trapped between two fluctuating timelines; Garrosh and Mokvar noted, with no small degree of amusement, that this situation likely led to many confusing discussions between Utvoch and Dontrag.
  • Utvoch met and befriended Taktani in Mulgore just before she started writing in to Garrosh’s mailbag; Dontrag would meet her as well not long after.  Since Taktani’s arrival in Pandaria, Garrosh has charged D&U with keeping an eye on Tak and generally helping her navigate the complexities of the adult world, a job that Utvoch appears to have taken to somewhat more enthusiastically than Dontrag has.
  • Many people, Garrosh prime among them, frequently lose track of who is Dontrag and who is Utvoch – which is actually rather peculiar, given that they don’t really look very much alike.  Sylvanas, in guild chat, seems to understand which of them is which, but deliberately baits them into arguments on the subject anyway.
  • Regular readers will be well aware of Garrosh’s habit of giving people (often dismissive) nicknames.  Dontrag and Utvoch are among his most frequent targets; some of his favorites for them include the Dumbass Duo, Ketchup and Mustard, and the Wonder Twins.

In their own words:

dontragutvoch

Describe your relationship with your mother or your father or both.  Was it good?  Bad?  Were you spoiled rotten, ignored?  Do you still get along now, or no?

I didn’t know my father.  I think he was killed in the attack on Shattrath.  I got along pretty well with my mother, though.  She always used to tell me how I could be anything I wanted to be and accomplish anything I set my mind to.  Then I started working with the trainers and she had her first parent conference.  After that she mostly saved the thing about being whatever you want for my sister.  –Dontrag

I don’t really remember my parents.  They both died in the first war after the Dark Portal opened.  My aunt ended up raising me until I was old enough to fend for myself.  –Utvoch

How vain are you?  Do you find yourself attractive?

I guess I was a little vain for a while, during that year in the Barrens when I was trying to get away with the comb-over.  I started losing my hair early and it took a while for me to accept that I wasn’t fooling anyone.  –Dontrag

I don’t think I’m bad looking or anything, but I don’t really think I’m anything special.  Luckily I spend most of my time hanging out with this guy, so I figure I must end up looking like at least a 7.  –Utvoch

What are your most prominent physical features?

My thick, full head of hair.  –Utvoch

Screw you, Ut.  –Dontrag

Name one scar you have, and tell us where it came from.  If you don’t have any, is there a reason?

Well, I’ve got this one scar on my forehead, on the right side.  I was trying to explain which of us was which that time in Karazhan, and, um…well, the Warchief kind of got impatient and backhanded me. –Dontrag

C7_4-2

I’ve got one across my left cheek.  It’s just above the line of my beard, so I don’t think you would really notice it unless you were looking for it.  I got it when I got those people killed by that yeti in Hillsbrad because I accidentally went out of my way to kill a giant moth, and the Warchief got really mad and belted me.  Although the worst part was how he yelled.  He got that tone that he gets.  –Utvoch

Oh, yeah, I’ve got one on my face, too, right under my left eye, from that time the Warchief—  Wait a minute, when you said to name them, did you mean you wanted us to name them name them?  In that case, I think I’ll call the one under my eye Al.  –Dontrag

I think I’ll name mine Dranosh.  It means “Heart of Draenor” in orcish.  –Utvoch

Everybody knows that, you idiot.  And it’s still not cool to use that name.  Anyway, for the one on my forehead, maybe I’ll name that one The Reminder.  –Dontrag

I don’t get it.  But I love the idea of a name that’s “The” something.  I have to remember that if I ever have kids.  –Utvoch

What does your desk/workspace look like?  Are you neat or messy?

Depends on which of us used it last.  I try to keep our desk sort of organized back at the barracks.  Donty’s a slob, though.  I always end up having to pick up after him.  It’s like having a second job half the time.  –Utvoch

Depends on which of us used it last.  It’s not so much that I’m messy, really – it’s more me being lazy.  I don’t care enough to put in the extra effort to put everything in order.  And I mean, I would if I had to, but I figured out a long time ago that Ut’s compulsive enough that if I just leave it alone, he’ll do it eventually himself.  So, like, it’s not so much that I’m messy as I delegate well.  –Dontrag

Do you have any irrational fears?

Other than the Warchief getting a little madder than usual one day and stabbing me?  Fire makes me antsy.  I always get nervous around fire mages.  Or mages casting fireballs in general.  I always get this weird creepy feeling like I’m about to get torched–Dontrag

Owls freak me out.  Not even, like, giant ones, either.  Although those are even freakier.  Just plain old regular owls.  The way they stare at you, and plus, when they go “who!”, I always feel like they’re mocking me and Donty.  –Utvoch

If you could time travel, where would you go?

Probably old Hillsbrad, since I didn’t get to go last time, just to see what the big deal was.  –Dontrag

Maybe back to that time we went back to old Hillsbrad, and let Donty go instead?  That whole thing was really confusing, and I think the Warchief got even madder with me than usual, and plus there was that whole thing with the end of the world, which wasn’t a whole lot of fun.  –Utvoch

What might your ideal romantic partner be?

I won’t lie.  I’ve always had a thing for tauren women.  Can’t resist them.  (It’s the hooves.)  –Utvoch

You are a sick, sick orc, Ut.  –Dontrag

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