Archive for the General Category

Slow burn

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 22, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

dominationpoint4

 

They’re going to turn against you.  Don’t let them.

 

I’ve had that note sitting on my desk since Garona left a couple hours ago.  Edwin Faranell – the old, young, original, human Faranell, the one had become unstuck in time and seen glimpses of his own future – gave it to me in another reality.  Months ago, or years ago, depending on how you count.  I’ve carried it with me ever since – literally and otherwise.  I took it out after Garona left, and I’ve been sitting here in my office in Domination Point staring at it.

The Vol’jin thing was irritating enough, but at least that got taken care of.  Baine?  Annoying, but I can’t say I’m surprised by his endless griping, since he was always pretty much Vol’jin Lite.  I didn’t really see Lor’themotherfucker coming as the latest malcontent, but then again I hardly ever noticed him at all until recently, so whatever.

But this news about Mokvar makes my blood boil.

For the longest time, he was just random generic dude hanging out in Grommash Hold.  I befriended him, brought him in on all our major operations, made him one of my personal aides.  My personal scribe – this after he hadn’t even TRAINED inscription until I threatened him with severe pain encouraged him to broaden his interests.  Ordered Garona to shadow him while I was in Pandaria, to make sure he stayed safe.  DEFENDED him to Malkorok I don’t know how many times.  Now he’s got me wondering if I was taking the wrong side in that bizarre feud of theirs.

After he was attacked that night, I could understand him acting weird for a little while.  I mean, I’ve never died, and I don’t plan to anytime soon, but I can see how it could do a number on your head.  So I was willing to give him some slack for some weirdness.  But this goes way, WAY beyond weirdness.  Him going to Neeru Fireblade was fishy enough, considering everything he knew.  And the fact that he forcibly broke out of Orgrimmar infuriates me to no end.  Him hanging out with a HUMAN to boot, well, the less said about that the better.  But the part that REALLY eats at me?  That I’m going to be lying awake nights fuming over?  Magatha.  He went to Magatha.  Cut a fucking DEAL with Magatha, for some purpose I STILL don’t fucking understand.  And now he’s on the loose, who knows where doing who knows what.

And you know, I think this business with Mokvar pisses me off more than any of the other malcontents.  Even when Vol’jin was threatening to put an arrow in my heart, he didn’t spit in my face.

Well, I’ve had it.  With all of it. I should have listened more to Malkorok.  I’ve given these people too much slack.  And all I get for it is people running their mouths at me and then running around behind my back.  Well, enough is enough.  I’m done putting up with this crap.  I’m taking the gloves off Malkorok, cracking down on all the bullshit I’ve let slide for way too long, and finally getting these people reined in.

There’s a new sheriff in town, fuckers.  And his name is Garrosh Hellscream.

More stupid questions

Posted in General, Words from Behind the Curtain with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 6, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

question

So you might remember a couple posts ago I talked about being invited by those Klout people to answer their members’ questions about blogging — A WISE MOVE ON THE PART OF KLOUT, I AM SURE YOU WILL AGREE.  (Huh.  I initially typoed “Klout” as “Lout”…can you imagine a place called “Lout.com” wanting my advice?)  I answered a bunch of questions for you, like I showed you all here, and even though I never heard anything back from them, I’m sure they appreciated my Warchieferous insight, because lo and behold, they’re at it again.

Yes, the Klout people have sent me another batch of questions to answer from their members, and hey, I couldn’t deny you people of my insight, so here we go.

 

What do you think are the best blogging tools and why?

I’m very big on the computer and keyboard, because I find paper and quill just make for a lot of busywork as far as distributing the posts to all my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS.  That and my hand cramps up a lot that way.  Actually my hand cramps up a lot when I’m online anyway, but the less said about that the better.  (HI, GREATMOTHER.)

 

What’s the easiest way to live blog an event and why?

Oh man, have you come to the right place.  When the event begins, start typing.  Hit “update” every now and then.  When it’s over, stop.  Also, try to make sure you’re not within range of Nozdormu’s why-fly, because timey whimey really fucks up your chronology.  Also make sure your tech goblin actually KEEPS VARIAN THE FUCK OUT THIS TIME BECAUSE WTF.

 

Do you think that it is important for businesses to have active blogs? Why or why not?

I think it’s much more important for businesses to have inactive blogs.  Because that sends the message that you’re way too fucking busy doing important shit like, you know, BUSINESS, to waste your day dicking around blogging.

 

Who are the three best bloggers and why?

Me, myself, and I.  Dumbass.  (Dumbass would be you.  Not one of the three best bloggers.  Which are me.  Because I’m at least as pimp as any three other bloggers.)  (Dumbass.)

 

KEEP ’EM COMING, KLOUT.  You’re welcome.

Also, while I’ve got everyone’s attention and I’m in the mood to answer questions, it occurs to me that I haven’t done a mailbag in quite a while, so let ,encourage you all to write in with any questions you might have for your Warchief.  To make it a little easier, in fact, I’m even going to try out this new doohicky that Spazzle says he build into the blog, so you folks can have an easier time sending in your letters…

Well looky there.  Shiny.

Also on the topic of receiving things from my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS, I just got a little goodie the other day that I just had to share with you all.  Those of you who follow me on Twitter (and for those of you who DON’T — WHY THE FUCK NOT?) might have noticed a few days ago I had a little back-and-forth with Sylvanas and Lor’themotherfucker.  Based on some of the…um…discussion we were having, loyalreaderandminion @RakaelWhispers put together this little gem and sent it along.  I thought you peeps would enjoy:

NotGarry

 

[A quick(ish) OOC note:  Apologies -- once again -- for becoming so inactive with the blog lately.  The last few weeks have been keeping me very busy with work, and even when I've had some down time, I often haven't had the mental energy to assemble something worth posting.  This has been compounded by the fact that blog continuity has reached a point at which the next post HAS to be a comic that I've had planned for a while.  (Unless I decide to try to do one more rap battle.  Which I might.  Don't try me.)  (Teasing preview: Dontrag and Utvoch feature heavily.  Plus an old mailbag friend makes a first-time comic-form appearance.)  (No, not Bob.)  (Parentheses are fun, aren't they?)  I'm doing my best to get the comic finished soon, but I don't want to promise a specific day and then fall short; I'm hoping I can count on your continued patience.  As always, I appreciate everyone's interest and feedback, and I'll be working as best I can to get the story rolling again before everybody gets too sick of waiting.]

Ask a stupid question

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 13, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

epicverse

So, yeah, I know it’s been a while since I updated.  I ended up being really, REALLY busy on Earth Online for a while, so whenever I got done with all my dailies, I was too damn tired to worry about blogging.  The worst part of the grind is over now, though, so I should be able to be a little better about updating here.

So speaking of blog matters, there’s a site that some of you probably know about called Klout that tries to measure how influential people are online (to questionable degrees of success).  You get a score out of 100, and people can give you these kinda-sorta thumbs-ups for topics you’re supposedly an expert on.  And I guess they have some other ways of gauging topics where people consider you “influential.”

So for instance, the Klout people think I’m influential when it comes to blogging, poetry, and comedy.  (No word on why “kicking ass,” “being fucking awesome,” and “lemon squares” didn’t make this list.)  I don’t know where the comedy part comes from, unless they’re talking about the supporting cast I’m stuck with, and even then I’d consider them more of a tragedy than a comedy, personally.  But whatever, I guess that’s their point of view.  Comedy is the tragedy that happens to someone else, and tragedy is the comedy that happens to you.

Anyway, I recently got a notice from the Klout people that because of my expertise (damn right, show the proper respect, bitches), I was eligible to answer questions from other Klout users.  So when I opened up my page, I had a bunch of trial questions to answer, in Tweet-ish short answer form.  And so I figured, I can’t deprive you all of the wisdom I imparted here.  So here, copy-and-pasted directly from my submissions on the site…

 

How should I get started blogging?

First, find a goblin who has a lot of free time and tell him he’s going to set the site up for you because it would be a shame if there was a major fire in the Bilgewater slums.  No, you can’t have my goblin, get your own.  Then sit your ass down and start typing.  When you run out of ideas, stop.

 

Are there any blogging resources you would recommend?

Yes.  Again, you definitely want to have a tech goblin working for you who can set up the site and maintain it and explain nerdy technical shit like deleting.  Because the last thing you want is to get stuck having to sit at a computer all day.  Again, no, you can’t have mine.

 

Which blog host site do you prefer and why?

Not that one.  I hear it sucks.

 

What advice can you give someone who wants to make money blogging?

You can make money blogging?  That’s fucking news to me!  My only suggestion is that no matter how awesome your content is, you absolutely, positively cannot be drawing on somebody else’s intellectual property.  Then again, that would be pretty fucking lame in the first place, so, you know.

 

How can I tell if my content is funny?

Ask yourself this question: Do people laugh at you a lot?  If no, I have bad news for you.  If yes, ask yourself this follow-up question: When they laugh at you, were you trying to make them laugh?  If yes, you’re probably funny.  If no…well…hello, Utvoch.

 

What subject matter should I write my poetry about?

Well for one, you could write about how you don’t end a sentence with a preposition.  Whatever you do, don’t try writing poetry about telling Varian Wrynn to go fuck himself, because I’m telling you right now, I’ve got that shit covered.

 

Yes, I actually submitted all these.  Why do you ask?

I have not yet received a notification from the Klout people to thank me for my insight and confirm that my answers would be posted with all due haste.  But I’m guessing they’ve just been busy on Earth Online too and I’ll be hearing from them soon enough.

While I’ve got everyone’s attention, though, and while we’re on the subject of poetry, let me remind everyone that the Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge LIVE BLOG will be tomorrow night, April 14.  I’ll put up a setup post that evening asking for you all to give me suggestions for EPIC VERSE topics and themes, and start time for the live blog will be 8:00 PM EDT.  I’ll be composing a new EPIC VERSE masterpiece based on the suggestions you all make that night, and you’ll get to watch it being composed line by line, live and in person.  BE THERE OR BE PREPARED TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF TO YOUR GRANDCHILDREN YEARS FROM NOW WHEN THEY COME TO YOU LIKE “GRANDMA, WTF?!”

Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge revisted

Posted in EPIC VERSE, General with tags , , , , , on March 31, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

quillandpaper

So, with the calendar about to roll over into April, you know what that means – National Poetry Month!

And you know what National Poetry Month means – Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge!

For those of you who weren’t reading the blog at this time last year…well, first of all, WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU?  But, letting that slide for the moment (but JUST for the moment, so don’t get too comfy), let me explain.  Last year, in honor of National Poetry month, I stepped up to the plate to crank out a month’s worth of EPIC VERSE, all inspired by reader suggestions.  The poems were kind of a mixed bag – which is to say, they were varying degrees of SPECTACULAR FREAKING GENIUS.  Just as you would expect from your Warchief.  Locks in Socks seemed to go over pretty well, for one.

Anyway.  I want to do another poetry challenge this year to commemorate the month, but I also want to mix it up a little and not just repeat what I did last year.  Plus, there’s so much going on around here what with the Alliance and the mogu and the Divine Bell, I don’t know if I can spare the time to set aside two days a week for poetry.  BRILLIANT THOUGH IT IS.

So here’s this year’s plan.  I’m still going to be offering up some EPIC VERSE drawing on reader suggestions, but this time around, I’m going to go about it a little differently.  Hold on to your ass for this one.

Two words: live blogging.

That’s right, I’m going to live blog EPIC VERSE, and you’re all invited to watch it being composed right before your eyes, line by line.  Or couplet by couplet…stanza by…oh, fuck it, you’ll get to see it being written incrementally in SOME configuration depending on what I come up with at the time, okay?!

So here’s how this is going to work.  Two weeks from today – SUNDAY, APRIL 14 – I’ll put up a post in the early evening to set the stage for the live blog.  Everyone will be invited to leave comments on that post with EPIC VERSE suggestions.  It could be a topic, a theme, a character you’d like to see, a turn of phrase – anything you can come up with that will give me something to work with and get the ol’ creative juices flowing.  Then, at 8 PM EST, I’ll start the live blog, and you’ll be able to see what I come up with as I compose my newest masterpiece live before your eyes, based on at least one, possibly more, of your suggestions.

Remember, save your ideas for the big night – don’t post your suggestions now, because part of the point of it all is to see what I can come up with when I get your ideas dropped on me that night with no time to prepare.  Otherwise, though…be thinking of ideas, and clear your schedule on the night of April 14 – EPIC VERSE AWAITS.

A public service announcement

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , on March 25, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

garrosh5

Greetings, random internet surfer.

Welcome to the Warchief’s Command Board.  Depending on how you found your way here, you may or may not know what this site actually is.  If you don’t, allow me to illuminate.  What you see before you is the personal blog of Garrosh Hellscream, Warchief of the Horde.

No, seriously.  No joke.  This is really Garrosh.  [OOC disclaimer from our legal department: This isn’t really Garrosh.]

If this sounds like something that might interest you, perhaps you’d care to peruse the blog to learn a bit more about it and what kinds of adventures I’ve been detailing thus far.  But I’d like to take a moment here to speak to those of you who already suspect that this site isn’t quite what you had set out looking for.

Greetings again, my good internet denizens.

From your arrival here, I gather that you too are a fan of the Google search engine.  I can’t say I blame you.  I know I’ve found many lemon square recipes that I never would have known about (though admittedly still no match for Greatmother’s) courtesy of the good people at Google.

I’m also happy to have new potential readers find their way here, regardless of how.  So welcome, one and all.

With that said, I suppose I may want to address the concerns that some of you may be feeling at this point.  And yes, I’m afraid you may be in for no small amount of disappointment, my friends.  I regret to inform you that the odds are great that you will not find the true object of your search here.

Because, you see, while I am certainly no friend of Jaina Proudmoore, and while you’ll find no shortage of mockery and outright hostility directed at her from me here, I’m afraid that nowhere in these pages will you find visual evidence of her engaged in carnal acts with livestock.  No cows.  No goats.  Not even a piddling little barnyard dog.

Yes, I know.  In this shameful instance, the Google machine appears to have lied to you.  I am as shocked and dismayed by this as you are.

Likewise, you will not find anything here that you might file under “Jaina Proudmoore captured xxx,” much to the chagrin of at least three of you.  I would of course be only too happy to report the capture of an enemy of the Horde such as Jaina, but I fear that the “xxx” on the end of the search string adds a further wrinkle which renders the already-unlikely scenario much more far-fetched.

Well, okay.  Somewhat more far-fetched.  This is Jaina we’re talking about.  But I digress.

While we’re on the subject, you’re also not going to find “Jaina Proudmoore and Varian porn,” “Jaina and Tyrande porn,” “Jaina Proudmoore Muradin porn” or – despite its rampant popularity – “Jaina Proudmoore and Sylvanas porn.”  Speaking of which, let’s just extend the whole blanket “nope” to any comparable permutations involving Sylvanas.  No Argent Confessor Paletress.  No Liadrin.  No High Inquisitor Whitemane.  No Shademaster Kiryn.  Not gonna happen, people.  Trust me.  I’ve floated a couple of those by her more than once myself.  She’s not biting.  Let it go.

Moreover, whoever among you came here looking for “Jaina Proudmoore climbing pole to victory porn drawing” (yes, really), “pandaren fucked by brown virmen” (yes, really), “broken blood elf statue with vagina showing” (yes, really), “Grimtotem fucking with Mankrik’s wife while Mankrik sees it” (yes, really)…I honestly don’t know what to say to any of you.  Other than perhaps having to offer you some begrudging respect for knowing exactly what you want in your lives.  Horrifying and sad though they may be.

But alas, your simple albeit distressingly specific wishes will not be fulfilled here.  Once again, the perfidious Google machine makes fools of us all.

And whichever one of you found your way here in search of “King Varian Wrynn gets a little diplomatic with Aggra’s butt porn” – and yes, one of you did (you know who are you are) – I can only shake my head sadly and mourn whatever tragedy befell you in childhood.  I would also suggest securing your home, as I suspect there’s at least a passing chance Thrall may be on his way over as we speak.

And, further, nowhere on this blog will you find anything that might be described as “Varian Wrynn raped by devilsaur,” although, let me assure you, language cannot express the delight with which I would provide you with such documentation if I could.

Indeed, the only fleeting glimmer of hope I can offer amid this endless parade of sadness would be whoever came to the blog searching for “man what the f happened Horde” – a sentiment with which I can certainly sympathize, and which I have likely expressed in my posts here on more occasions than one.  Sadly, though, it is a question for which I can offer you no answers, my friend.  I wish I knew what the f happened.  I truly, truly do.

For those among you who are regular readers of this blog, and who might hasten to point out that this very post may well exacerbate this Google hit issue by providing additional suspect phrases for the search engine to latch onto, let me reassure you that I am only too aware of this possibility.  And to any such Google users who do indeed find their way here as a result, I will only say:

Greetings, random internet surfer.  Welcome to the Warchief’s Command Board.  I would tell you that you will leave this site empty-handed, but I suppose that partly depends on how you arrived.

 

Finally, if I might add a closing postscript: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU FUCKING PEOPLE?!?!!

Ugh.

UGH.

MOVING ON.

The fine art of persuasion

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 22, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

garrosharadvance1

So brace yourselves for this one – Lor’themotherfucker’s blood elves, who insisted I give them the chance to interrogate that mogu Shan Kien about the Divine Bell?  Guess what they turned up for us?  ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

I know.  I’ll give you a minute to sit down and recover from the shock.

Recovered yet?  Okay.  Moving on.

Anyway, after I’d given the elves time to establish yet again how completely and utterly USELESS they are, I sent orders for them to deliver Shan Kien over to the Kor’kron up in Kun-Lai summit.  By this point, Regent-Lord Eyepatch was back in Silvermoon on his prolonged post-sha-box crying jag, so I had the good fortune not to have to deal with a whole lot of complaining and protesting from his people when I sent the order.  I had Malkorok go up with his Kor’kron to receive the mogu at Garrosh’ar Advance – a small base we’d set up a ways north of Eastwind Rest – and wait for my arrival.

When I got there, by the way, Malkorok managed to get himself into another one of his cranky moods.  He was eating his lunch at the table we’d set up at the camp, and when I arrived he turned away from it to order the Kor’kron to bring Shan Kien out for me…whereupon Mortimer wandered over and, yep, you guessed it, polished off Malkorok’s food.  Mortimer seemed only too delighted — then again, who can blame him, seeing as I think that sandwich had bacon on it — although Malkorok was not pleased.  But I think he kept himself reined in since he could see what a kick I got out of the whole thing.

shankien1

Of course, as I was getting ready to leave the Sanctum of Two Moons with Blademaster Ishi, Baine overheard where I was going and decided to tag along to keep an eye on things.  Because…well…I don’t know, I guess he thinks that when you’re dealing with an agent of a malevolent enemy bent on world domination, it’s really super important that you be nice to him.  Or something.

I’ll grant, though, Baine did turn out to be handy.  I put in a little time trying my own brand of charm and persuasion on Shan Kien, but after a while my knuckles were getting sore, and that was when Baine suggested we use some Pandaren concoction called Memory Wine that would let us peek into Shan Kien’s memories and see where the Divine Bell had been hidden.  Which, by the way, um, WHY DIDN’T HE MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT THIS STUFF BEFORE YOU KNOW I BET THAT SHIT WOULD HAVE BEEN HANDY DON’T YOU THINK GUYS?

Ugh.

So, we got a volunteer to try out the Memory Wine, and got a peek of Shan Kien sealing up the Divine Bell in a mogu tomb somewhere along a mountainside.  The whole thing went surprisingly smoothly, other than the fact that while we were using the Memory Wine, it seemed like every couple minutes we had problems with the yaks we had with us suddenly running around all spooked.  Which started getting on my nerves after a while.  Anyway, since Gurtash is sort of our resident artist, I’m having him flown up to work up some sketches of the place to help guide the search parties.  I’m having Ishi stay up here to organize the scouts and coordinate.  Meanwhile, I’m going to check in at Domination Point and maybe look into a contingency plan or two.

Shadow boxing

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 14, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

lorthemar1

Well, this just goes to show what I know.

After our whole SNAFU with the sha claw, Regent-Lord Eyepatch went back to Silvermoon to personally supervise his people’s study of that sha box we recovered.  Before he left I tried to impress on him the importance of that project (I believe my exact words were “This is actually important, unlike everything else you’ve ever done in your life, so try not to make a giant fucking mess this one time, Lori”), and after leaving him to his devices a couple days, I sent some people up to Silvermoon to check on him and try to prod things along.

I just received a report back from Eyepatch.  And so, remember last time, how uneasy I was about having to rely on the blood elves for all these important jobs?  All the angsting I was doing over whether they could pull this off, rather than defaulting back to their standard “giant fucking mess” M.O.?  Well, after all that handwringing I was doing, you would probably expect Ponytail’s blood elves to find a way to pull off some spectacular new level of fail.

AND YOU WOULD BE RIGHT.

Let’s even set aside the fact that Ponytail started out crying about how anyone who tried to probe the box magically ended up being affected by powerful, negative emotions, because hey, it’s totally fair for him not to think of that possibility what with him being RIGHT HERE WITNESSING THAT VERY SAME THING HAPPENING WITH THE KOR’KRON NOT THREE DAYS AGO.  But then, we’ve long established that these blood elves aren’t exactly world-beaters when it comes to seeing things coming (DRINK).  So, moving on, witness fuckuppery the next: even AFTER having these problems with the crazy outbursts, Ponytail’s peeps kept plugging away, and ended up releasing some kind of sha creature that had been sealed in the box.  In a room with a couple of his mages and a handful of guards.  And nobody else.

So okay, let’s recap that for those of you keeping score at home.

AFTER traveling around some of the sha and mogu sites in Pandaria…and AFTER being on hand for our failed Kor’kron experiments with the claw… Eyepatch brought the box back home to Silvermoon…so he could stick it in a basement with minimal guard and a grand total of two magic-users on hand to work on it.  And then released a beastie that proceeded to kick the snot out of his generously snotty elves.  To the point that if some of MY people hadn’t been on hand to save the day, that sha thing might still be running roughshod over Silvermoon and we’d be having to get Sylvanas to send a task force over to bail them out.  (And by the way, don’t think for a minute that THAT wouldn’t make half the blood elf population drop a brick in its collective panties – HEY LOOK GUYS THERE’S AN ARMY OF UNDEAD HEADED THIS WAY OH SHIT NOT AGAIN.)

I mean, there are at least half a dozen reasons why that’s just a spectacular steaming heap of fail, but the winner right off the top of my head, I think is… WHY DID YOU EVEN BOTHER BRINGING THE DAMN BOX BACK TO YOUR HOME CITY if you weren’t going to positively SURROUND it with an entire fucking LEGION of your very best troops?  You go to all that trouble for like five guards?  Hey, guess what, Eyepatch, we could have put our sha junk under the watch of five random assholes right here in Pandaria.

LIKE HEY HOW ABOUT THESE GUYS EVEN, REMEMBER THEM?

fivenotsorandomassholes

So yeah, this is what Lori is crying about this week.  Well, today.  The week is still young.  Meanwhile, he’s already sent me four messengers, with each of the last three delivering an extra addendum to his written bitch-and-moan fest.  They’ve been arriving every couple hours, so I’m just imagining him sitting around in whatever palace he has up there (I’m guessing pink features heavily in the décor), sending off a letter, and then as soon as the messenger leaves, grabbing another parchment like “AND HERE’S ONE MORE THING!”

I did send him a response back to the first one.  Although…just to amuse myself, I addressed it to “That guy in Silvermoon, you know, the one with the poofy hair.”  I’m not sure which thought amuses me more: the amount of time it’s going to take them to narrow it down to Ponytail, or the look he’s going to get on his face when he sees it.

I know, I know.  I’m a stinker.

More soon.

"'Lori'? Seriously?"

“‘Lori’? Seriously?”

Sha-touched

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 12, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

shaclaw

So of course, since Baine arrived here in Pandaria, he managed to get here just in time to bear witness to a frigging spectacular FUBAR with our efforts to make use of that sha claw.  And naturally, Regent-Lord Ponytail had to be on hand too so I could have a nice bitch-and-moan one-two punch.

Like we’d guessed, infusing soldiers with at least some measure of the claw’s sha energy was simple enough.  For these initial experiments, I didn’t want to leave much to chance, so we brought in a half-dozen Kor’kron for the tests.  The idea is that the Kor’kron are the best of the best within the Horde ranks, so they would be most likely to have the strength of will and discipline to maintain control over the sha influence – and these particular Kor’kron weren’t even your garden variety.  I had Malkorok hand-pick the very best of his people.  Razors.  If anyone was going to keep their shit together, it would be them.

Well, those Kor’kron may have been razors, but we wound up taking some razor burn.  All of the soldiers we exposed to the sha claw suffered some severe changes to their behavior.  Some became extremely temperamental.  Some were listless and depressed.  Some turned antsy and paranoid.  And ALL of them became prone to violent outbursts playing off of whatever other mood swings they were going through.  With the help of a few adventurers who happened to be on hand, we managed to slap some sense into the Kor’kron, but that doesn’t change the fact that the whole experiment went down as a pretty dismal failure.

And of course, cue Baine and Ponytail griping and crying and complaining, with an extra side order of holier-than-thou from Baine and estrogen from Ponytail.

I seriously need to find some better fucking minions.

Anyway, it’s becoming pretty painfully apparent that unless Lor’thefucker’s people back in Silvermoon make some breakthrough with the sha box they recovered, we’ve got everything hinging on us finding the Divine Bell so we can gain better control of this sha power.  Which means we’re majorly counting on the blood elves who are working on interrogating Shan Kien.  Which means, any way you cut it, we’ve got everything riding on Ponytail’s people.

Fuck.

Did I mention I SERIOUSLY need to find some better minions?

A Shado-Pan of a doubt

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 6, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

shadopan1

So, based on the early returns, this sha energy and I are going to have a real love/hate relationship.

Let me explain.

While Burzum and Krimpatul were doing their respective investigating, I went back up to Kun-Lai Summit to do a little more checking around.  Ponytail and his blood elves had cleared out of the Valley of Emperors, and by the looks of it, the mogu who had been up there had decided not to take their chances coming back after the grade-A ass-kicking I’d given them.  Which, by the way, makes the mogu smarter than at least half the enemies I’ve run into over the years.

I flew around the mountains for a little while to see if I could spot any more mogu activity, but didn’t have a whole lot of luck, so I decided while I was in the neighborhood to check in at that monastery I’d heard about – the Shado-Pan Monastery, I think it’s called.  I figured the monks there might have something they could tell me about the mogu, or the sha, or, hell, even just give me some idea why that Cloudfall guy at Tian Monastery felt the need to be so damn cryptic.

Problem is, all of that assumed the monks would actually, you know, TALK to me.  When I got there, though, I could barely get anyone to answer the damn door.  I knocked away for a while, and at first some fat panda dude poked his head out and asked who I was…but then after I told him, he just slammed the door shut again.  After that, they just let me knock away all I wanted, and the only answer I got was one time when someone behind the door yelled “We don’t want any,” and this other time when I guess they decided to get cute, and one of them did a bad troll voice like “Dere nobody home, mon” – which, I can HEAR you TALKING, idiot, so there obviously IS somebody home.

Fucking pandas.

Eventually, Burzum and Krimpatul arrived, and we set up camp near the monastery to compare notes.  Krimp reported that the sha outbreak around the Temple of the Red Crane was mostly gone, other than some stray animals in the area that had been affected, but that those animals seemed a good bit stronger than the garden variety.  Seems like they were able to be infused with sha energy just from proximity to the manifestation there, which tells me that it shouldn’t be that difficult to tap infuse some of our soldiers with that power, assuming we can find a sha source to draw on.  THAT’s going to be the tricky part, I’m guessing – finding a source – since it’s not like we can reliably just summon these sha things up out of thin air.

Burzum, on the other hand, gave a whole breakdown of the pandas fighting an ongoing sha outbreak near the Temple of the Jade Serpent.  (By the by, don’t ask me why these pandas seem so obsessed with naming everything after rainbow-colored animals.  Can the Temple of the Mauve Meerkat be far behind?)  The sha down there were still much more active, and according to Burzum, the pandas there deliberately took steps to AVOID being affected by the sha energy.  Because, I don’t know, I guess they feel like a dose of extra power might take the edge off their signature bouncy goofiness.  Don’t ask me.

Whatever they’re thinking down there, though, it seemed like Burzum had gone native on us some, because while he was talking about it, he got really insistent about not thinking it was such a hot idea to try to tap into this sha energy.  He seemed to get really stressed out over it, actually, to the point that I could even see him going a little pale in the face.  I managed to calm him down some, but he still seemed more than a little antsy.

At that point, I gave the blademasters the rundown of the warm welcome I’d gotten at the monastery.  Burzum wanted to try talking to them himself, and I figured what the hell, if he wanted to try beating his head against the wall, let him knock himself out.  So he went over and knocked on the door, and one of the pandas stuck his head out to see who it was…and I’ll be damned, they let the fucker in!

So Burzum was in there for a little while, and I figured eventually he’d be back to bring me and Krimp inside with him – you know, after he’d finished buttering up whatever antisocial panda had had the bright idea to lock me out.  After a while, sure enough, Burzum came out again, but instead of showing us the way in, he let the pandas shut themselves up in there again while he came staggering back to us looking more upset than ever.  And I’m talking SERIOUSLY shaken – I don’t know what those pandas said to him, but dude was beyond just pale at the point and was looking out-and-out GRAY.

That’s when he started yammering a bunch of incoherent nonsense – “Is this what we’ve come to?” this, and “losing our way” that, and all the while getting more and more visibly upset.  Krimpatul and I tried to talk him down from the crazy, but Burzum wasn’t having it.  He kept ranting on and on, until finally the ranting gave way to flat-out growling, and the next thing you knew, Bruzum’s arms started to morph into these tendrilly black claws and his whole body seemed to exude shadows.

And that’s when he attacked us.

I’ll say this for that sha stuff – because obviously that’s what had to be coursing through Burzum’s system – it really is no joke.  I’ve sparred with all the blademasters a bunch of times, so I know their strength, but this was way beyond the normal Burzum scale.  It took Krimp and I everything we could muster to keep the upper hand, and even then we were only barely able to hold him off most of the time.

Eventually, though, Krimpatul got in a few solid blows to disorient Burzum, at which point I hacked off one of those creepy-ass claws at the elbow.  That turned the tide in our favor for good.  I made one last attempt to talk Burzum down, but he was long gone by that point.  So Krimpatul and I finished him off.  As he fell, he muttered something about “should have remained in Garadar,” and the rest was silence.

I’d just as soon spare Burzum’s memory from people seeing the state he was in at the end.  He was a good man, and whatever came over him in those final moments, I’m certain his spirit will find its way to those of the honored ancestors, even if he’d fallen far from home.  Krimpatul and I found a quiet spot in the mountains nearby and laid Burzum’s body to rest.

Except for that severed claw.  That’s coming with me back to the Sanctum of Two Moons so the braintrust can give it a good going over.

Rest well, Burzum.  Spirits willing, we’ll make sure you didn’t die in vain.

Sha hunting

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 2, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

templeofjadeserpent

I’m giving the blood elves a few days to see if they can get anywhere with Shan Kien — that’s the name of that mogu dude we captured in the Valley of Emperors — but in the meantime I’m going to try to explore other avenues.  From what I’ve been able to gather, the mogu’s Divine Bell artifact was able to focus and infuse the power of what the pandas call sha.  Basically dark power come alive, sparked by emotions like anger or fear.  And even though this Divine Bell sounds like it’s the key to harnessing this sha power to the fullest, that doesn’t mean we can’t do a little testing at the source.

After we’d finished our visit to Tian Monastery the other day, Burzum had stayed behind to see if he could learn a few new tricks from the pandas.  I had Gurtash stay with him, and after I’d left for the Sanctum of Two Moons, I had the rest of the DPS kids brought over to do a little hand-to-hand combat training.  Now, personally I’m not so big on the fancy martial arts moves — I’m a much bigger fan of just pummeling your opponents to death when you’re not hacking them into little pieces with an axe.  But then, that’s ME.  Seeing as I’m 300 lbs. of rock-solid awesome and not some skinny fourteen-year-old, I don’t really NEED a whole lot of bells and whistles in my asskicking toolkit.  But I figure it might be good for the kids to see if there’s anything useful they can pick up from the pandas.

Also, side note, since I forgot to mention this before — on the way back from Tian, I made a stop at this place nearby called the Arboretum, where they train cloud serpents for some big race.  It took some doing, but I managed to talk them into letting me participate in the race even though I didn’t have my own cloud serpent.  I will neither confirm nor deny that “talking them into” this involved slapping a few pandas around.  Anyway, the race was pretty fun, and you seriously should have seen the looks on the other riders’ faces — and their cloud serpents, for that matter — when Mortimer left them all in the dust.  I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: wyvern > all.

Anyhow, I digress.

Getting back to the actual business at hand, I’m having Burzum head down to a temple in that neck of the woods that’s been hit by a pretty major sha infestation.  Temple of the Jade something-or-other, which really doesn’t help narrow it down much, seeing as it’s in a region called the Jade Forest, and half the stuff around there is called the Jade Whatever-Whatever.  Lesson: them pandas sure do love them some jade.

Meanwhile, I’m assigning Krimpatul to investigate another temple not far from our base at Domination Point, a little ways to the north.  I hear tell there was a major sha outbreak there until pretty recently, so he might be able to learn something there.  While they’re both doing their thing, I’m going to do some extra checking around in the northern mountains, and then the two blademasters will meet me there to compare notes.  I hear tell there’s another major monastery in the northwest part of Kun-Lai Summit, so it might be worth convening there and seeing what the monks have to tell us.

More soon.

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