Archive for February, 2013

In the Pale Moonlight

Posted in Transcripts, Words from a Scribe with tags , , , , , , , , , , on February 28, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

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The less said about Ironforge, the better.  Even if I wanted to discuss it, which I really don’t, now isn’t the time.

Deliana returned with me from the Eastern Kingdoms, and we met Ji briefly in Ratchet.  He had good news (relatively speaking, at least) from the errand I’d sent him on, even though it had ended up running him from Desolace to Feralas then all the way back up to Stonetalon.  After we all exchanged notes, I sent Ji back home to Orgrimmar.  He resisted at first; he wanted to come with us for this next step.  But he was already deeper in this mess than I’d wanted him to get, and besides, this was my fight, not his.

Liana and I arranged windrider passage from Ratchet down to Mudsprocket.  From there, it was a fairly short ride over to the Wyrmbog, and the cave that used to be the lair of Onyxia.

We entered the cave.  We didn’t venture far, just deep enough to find a corner where every point of entry was visible.  Onyxia’s been dead for years, of course, but that didn’t stop it from being unnerving to go in there.  I’m sure it would have been unsettling in any case, but considering the rumors Theldren had brought back about Nefarian’s old forces being restless again, I found myself still half-expecting a black dragon to come jumping out of the shadows at any moment.  After all, Nefarian and Onyxia had both come back from the dead once already.  Not that I’m one to talk; I’ve died a couple times myself.  Spirits willing, I’d like the last time to stay the last for a good long while.

Eventually, we heard footsteps, and saw the light of a torch approaching from the same direction we’d come.  The footsteps slowly drew nearer, until a single tauren stepped into view.  Between his dark fur and the shadows that shifted around him in the dim cave, he probably seemed a lot larger than he really was.

 

TAUREN:  You are Mokvar?

Mokvar nods.

MOKVAR:  Are you alone?

The tauren tilts his head and cocks an eyebrow.

You know what I mean.

TAUREN:  We honor the terms of the meeting, of course.

MOKVAR:  <faint grin>  So in other words, the rest of your friends are waiting right outside the cave.

DELIANA:  Do you want me to check outside and see—

TAUREN:  If we’d wished to harm you, little one, you would already know it.

MOKVAR:  There’s no need, Liana.  He has a point – if we’re screwed at this point, we’re screwed no matter what.

The tauren looks back and forth between Mokvar and Deliana, then back up the passageway through which he’d entered.  He lifts a horn to his mouth and sounds a low blare.  Deliana continues to watch him closely; the tauren returns her gaze bemusedly.

TAUREN:  You’re going to make me think you don’t trust us, little one.

DELIANA:  You might say you have something of a reputation.

TAUREN:  <nods toward Mokvar>  So do the orcs.  That doesn’t seem to have affected you.

DELIANA:  <shrugs>  I like green.

The tauren chuckles.  From the passageway, footsteps become audible again and grow progressively closer.  After a moment, Magatha Grimtotem enters the chamber and scans the scene.

MAGATHA:  Ah, Mokvar.  It’s been too long.

MOKVAR:  Magatha.  I’m surprised you remember me, to tell the truth.

MAGATHA:  I never forget a face.  <looks to Deliana>  This one is new, though.

MOKVAR:  Yes, she is.

Magatha smirks.

MAGATHA:  You’re not going to introduce us, Mokvar?  How rude of you.

MOKVAR:  On top of everything else, Magatha, do we really need to maintain the pretense that we’re friends now, too?

MAGATHA:  I’m merely trying to be cordial.  <to Deliana>  Is he always this prickly?

DELIANA:  No.  You must have that effect on people.  <looks to Mokvar, then back to Magatha>  But, if it makes you feel any better… Deliana Hawthorne.

MAGATHA:  The pleasure is mine.

DELIANA:  It would have to be.

MAGATHA:  I’m beginning to see why you two get along.

Magatha looks around the cavern.

This is an interesting choice of venues, Mokvar.  Something of a step down from your usual accommodations, isn’t it?

MOKVAR:  A change of scenery now and then can be a good thing.  For instance, last I heard, you were on the run even from your own tribe.

MAGATHA:  You’ll find the Grimtotem tend not to hold grudges long against their own kind.  And I can be very persuasive.

MOKVAR:  Just as well.  It made it a little easier for Ji to get my message to you.

MAGATHA:  I must say I was intrigued.  I’m not unaccustomed to being the object of some…pursuit…but usually only from your Warchief’s usual lot of knuckle-dragging lackeys.  Your furry friend, however…

MOKVAR:  Not your typical Orgrimmar grunt, I know.

MAGATHA:  Yes, he had a polysyllabic vocabulary.  And spent a not-inconsiderable time musing over whether we had anything extra to eat.

MOKVAR:  That’s Ji, yeah.

MAGATHA:  Regardless, I’m quite curious as to why you would seek me out, given the company you usually keep.  Then again… <looks to Deliana> …I doubt your current companion would be well received in Orgrimmar herself.

DELIANA:  Maybe he’s trying to make me look better by bringing in one of the only people who would be less welcome.

MAGATHA:  <chuckles>  As plausible a theory as any.  <looks back to Mokvar>  But not the right one, I suspect.

MOKVAR:  I have some business that’s going to require me to travel to the Firelands.  Trouble is, I’m still relatively inexperienced as a shaman, and my ability to influence the elements isn’t nearly strong enough to keep me safe there.  You, on the other hand…well, whatever else I might think of you, there’s no disputing you’re a powerful shaman.

MAGATHA:  You flatter me.

MOKVAR:  Take it with a grain of salt.  It’s one strength offsetting I don’t know how many despicable things about you.

DELIANA:  I bet she’d also go great with fries.

MAGATHA:  If we’re going to be racist, I’m sure you would be quite adept at climbing trees and picking bananas.  <sneers>  Especially green ones.

MOKVAR:  The point is, I think you might know a trick or two that could help keep me alive when I go.  That’s why I wanted to meet with you.

MAGATHA:  And why turn to me, Mokvar?  There’s certainly no shortage of shaman in Orgrimmar you could have turned to.

MOKVAR:  I’d prefer to keep this trip to the Firelands off the record.

MAGATHA:  The Cenarion druids at Mouth Hyjal?  Thrall and his Earthen Ring?

MOKVARVery off the record.

MAGATHA:  It must be quite the scandal you’re sitting on if you’d rather turn to me than confide in your supposed friends.

MOKVAR:  I have my reasons.

MAGATHA:  And those reasons would be…?

MOKVAR:  Mine.

Magatha grins.

MAGATHA:  Cairne would have liked you.

MOKVAR:  Then it’s a shame he was murdered by a traitor before he got the chance to know me.

MAGATHA:  You shouldn’t talk about your Warchief like that.

DELIANA:  As much as I’m enjoying going back and forth with this…

MAGATHA:  Indeed, let’s cut to the chase.  You need my help, Mokvar, so now for the real question: Why should I give it to you?

MOKVAR:  We both know you don’t harbor any ill will for me, Magatha.  I may work for Garrosh, but your quarrel is with him, not me.  He’s the one you hate.

MAGATHA:  True enough.  But that’s merely why it wouldn’t be worth it to me to go out of my way to hurt you, Mokvar, not why it would be worth helping you.

MOKVAR:  You’re focusing on the wrong part.  Think about this, Magatha.  I work for Garrosh.  I’m there in Grommash Hold every day.  Do you not think that makes me someone who would be…useful to have indebted to you?

MAGATHA:  Surely you’re not naïve enough to assume I don’t already have my informants.

MOKVAR:  Are they in Garrosh’s inner circle?  Do they attend every meeting with him?  Keep a written record, literally, of nearly everything he says and does?

MAGATHA:  <smiles thoughtfully>  Interesting…

MOKVAR:  I thought you might think so.

MAGATHA:  I think I may have an item or two that might help augment your abilities sufficiently for what you have in mind.  Nothing worldshattering, mind you…

MOKVAR:  That’s fine.  I’ve already lived through too many shattered worlds as it is.

MAGATHA:  We can meet again here for the exchange.  Tomorrow at this time?

DELIANA:  How do we know you won’t just be setting a trap?

MAGATHA:  How did you know I wasn’t setting one tonight?  There are two of you – three if you count your bouncing bear friend.  I could bring dozens with a word.  But Mokvar was right about one thing – I have nothing to gain from harming him.  And whatever else you might think of me, I’m not in the habit of doing harm when there’s no benefit to myself or my tribe.

MOKVAR:  Tomorrow night, then.

MAGATHA:  Tomorrow night.

Magatha gestures to the other Grimtotem, and they make their way back up the passage.

DELIANA:  Are you sure about this?

MOKVAR:  Not even remotely.  I may spend the next year washing my hands.

Mokvar peers up the dark passageway for several moments.

I think we’re clear.

Mokvar and Deliana start to walk up toward the cave exit.  As the passage narrows, a low whooshing sound is heard.  Deliana hesitates a moment while glancing around.

DELIANA:  <whispering>  Did you hear that?

Mokvar nods.

<whispering>  There’s someone stealthed in here.

MOKVAR:  <whispering>  It’s Garona.  She came in not far behind us when we arrived.

DELIANA:  <whispering>  You knew she was following us?

MOKVAR:  <whispering>  I was counting on it.

 

 

We’re staying in Mudsprocket until we go back to Onyxia’s lair tomorrow night.  With any luck, things will go off without a hitch there, and Magatha will have something useful for me.  Then that much will be over and done with.

Then comes the hard part.

 

 

Mokvar

Garrosh to the rescue (as usual)

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , on February 26, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

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You know,  I’ve got to tell you, that Regent-Lord Ponytail is a real piece of work.  First he bitches and moans because I assumed his people could handle themselves, then he tries to refuse extra help, only to have it turn out that he damn well needed it in the first place.  “Why are you crying, Lor’thewhoever?”  “Because it’s raining!”  “Why were you crying yesterday?”  “Because it wasn’t!”  I swear I’d be half tempted to compare the high-maintenance fucker to Garona, except I’d give even odds Garona has a bigger dick.

YES I SAID IT.  SOMEBODY had to say it.

Anyway.  After we finished up at Tian Monastery, I flew up to Kun-Lai summit to see what ol’ Eyepatch and his Reliquary peeps managed to find.  Turns out, they found a big gang of mogu running all over an area called the Valley of Emperors.  Now, credit where it’s due – this time, rather than getting slapped around and then crying about it like a little girl, Eyepatch recruited some extra muscle from back at Domination Point to tag along and protect him.  Like a little girl.  So, you know, at least dude is being more proactive about his little girling.  That’s something, I guess.

Anyhow, by the time I got up there, Ponytail had already collected some kind of sealed crate from the mogu, along with documents indicating the mogu were mobilizing now that some ancient ruler of theirs – the “Thunder King,” I think – has been resurrected.  Because, as I might have mentioned once or twice before, nobody ever stays fucking DEAD anymore.

Ponytail had sent his hired help into one of the nearby tombs to try to track down the leader of this particular batch of mogu, which was fine, but when I told him I wanted to go in and check for myself, he just started protesting and arguing.  Because his people were perfectly capable of handling things on their own, and why don’t we just wait here until they get back, because wind chill factor just adds to the ambience here on this snowy mountainside don’t you think?  So I finally got sick of him stalling, and explained that I was going into the tomb whether he liked it or not.  This explanation took the form of me clocking him one.  I’m fairly sure – but not 100% — that he didn’t lose any teeth.

So I went on down to the tomb, and boy was it a good thing that I did.  The valley around the tomb was pretty much overrun by mogu.  Which meant, first of all, that Ponytail’s people would have had a hell of a time getting back OUT once they were finished – and second of all, bonus exercise for yours truly.  Granted, it was BRIEF exercise, but it felt good to break out Gorehowl and clear a path for myself while dropping a mogu or two.  Or three.  Or 37.  Really, the mogu should probably still count themselves lucky – I would have killed even more of them, but I think I forgot to carry the 1.

By the time I fought my way into the tomb, Eyepatch’s hired help had engaged the mogu leader…and were getting their asses handed to them.  Luckily I showed up before they got completely flattened, and gave a good thorough beatdown to the mogu head honcho.  BOY IT SURE IS A GOOD THING I WAITED WITH PONYTAIL AND DIDN’T INTERFERE DOWN THERE HUH GUYS.  I tried to get the mogu to cough up some information on that Divine Bell relic, but he wasn’t having it.  I was about to give him a nice lethal demonstration of my default penalty for being uncooperative, when one of the blood elf magisters ported him back to the base camp and yammered out this whole deal about giving his people a chance to get the information we want out of the prisoner.  So, whatever.  They want to take a crack at it, fine, even though I can’t see much that these elves are going to do to change the mogu’s attitude, unless he needs his highlights touched up or some shit.

At that point there wasn’t much else for me to do other than follow my handy-dandy trail of mogu corpses back out.

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Pimp away.

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Pimp away.

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So after I pimped my way back to Mortimer, I left word for Lor’thewhatever to get his people working on the prisoner AND that sealed box they found, and headed on back to the Sanctum of Two Moons.  I’ve got a couple things I want to check on while the elves get started.  I’ll update again once I’ve had a chance to follow up on a couple leads.

The geometry of shadows

Posted in Comics with tags , , , , , , , , , , on February 24, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

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Okay, so, Gurtash finally managed to finish up the last part of this record from Tian Monastery.  Just in the nick of time, too, seeing as apparently Regent-Lord Hair-Care and his people have found something up north, which means I should probably get up there before something jumps out and goes “BOO!” and they all wet themselves again and spend the next three months crying to me about the pee stains in their panties.  Fucking blood elves.

Anyway, when we left off last time, we’d just gotten a visit from that Taran Zhu guy, which…well, the less said about that the better, I guess.  Because dude, seriously.  Moving on…

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Credit where it’s due, Gurtash puts in the effort on these things, but man, he goes through a lot of paper.  You should seriously see the stacks of sketches I’ve got piling up in my war room at Domination Point.  I’m thinking I might have to find something to do with this stuff before it totally takes over…anybody have any interest in some drawings?  Better the mailbox than the fireplace, I suppose.

Anyway, that’s it for now.  Back soon with updates on whatever Lor’themotherfucker’s found in the mountains.

Spazzle Speaks: Charges from Dun Morogh

Posted in Spazzle Speaks with tags , , , , , , , on February 20, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

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Hi, everyone.  Spazzle here again.  I’m writing to give a quick update on things here in Orgrimmar.  The thing is, the biggest news here in Orgrimmar doesn’t really have anything to do with Orgrimmar, and the news is going to be sketchy at best, since most of what I know consists of rumors and fragments.  But, here we go.

Most of you probably know that about a week-plus ago, Mokvar left under diplomatic cover to go to Ironforge.  As far as I know, he didn’t tell anyone exactly what he was planning to do there, but he seemed pretty convinced that it had something to do with the recent attacks against him.  Nobody had heard anything from him after he left.  Actually, we still haven’t.

According to the rumors coming in, though, Mokvar reached Ironforge several days ago.  And while he was there…well…they say he killed a dwarf named Theldren.  Nobody really knows more than that – just that Mokvar turned up in Ironforge, was seen getting into it with Theldren, and then Theldren turned up dead.  If I remember right, the dwarf used to be part of the same mercenary group as Mokvar, so I don’t understand why Mokvar would want to kill an old friend.  But I figure that much has got to be true, considering that the dwarves are up in arms over it, especially Moira Thaurissan — not least of all because of the diplomatic banner Mokvar was traveling under.

Eitrigg is pretty much outraged.  He’s disavowed to the dwarves any knowledge of what Mokvar was doing, and internally he’s having Krog start working on figuring out what’s become of Mokvar.  I’m guessing Mokvar still has Garona shadowing him too, but she hasn’t checked in for a while, so no help finding him there.

Honestly, I don’t even know what to hope for.  On the one hand, if we find Mokvar, we might finally find out what’s going on, and believe me, I’d like for this to make sense as much as anyone does.  But on the other hand, if we do find him…well… No.  Never mind.  No matter what he might have done, Mokvar’s still a friend.  I don’t want to think about what might end up happening to him.

I just hope he knows what he’s doing, wherever he is.

Getting around with the Shado-Pan

Posted in Comics with tags , , , , , , , , , on February 18, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

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So, when last we left off, Ben-Lin had just…um…politely convinced me to lay off beating the monkey.

I can’t put my finger on it, but something about that is reminding me of a talking-to Greatmother gave me about 20 years ago.

Anyway, continuing on.

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* That would be this occasion, even though this particular Zhi-Zhi wouldn’t remember it.

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* Like here…or here.

 

Continued soon, or at least as “soon” as Gurtash can crank out some more of what happened.  Gotta say, if nothing else, I’m starting to miss the time-efficiency of Mokvar’s transcripts.  Oh well…

Shock the monkey

Posted in Comics with tags , , , , , , , , on February 14, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

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So, picking up where we left off in the last installment

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* Garrosh first met Zhi-Zhi here, then crossed paths again here and here.

** These events all took place in an alternate timeline, which…you know what, here.  Just re-read it, it’ll be easier.

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Continued as soon as the kid can scribble out some more crap.

Monday mailbag

Posted in Mailbag with tags , , , , , , , , , , on February 11, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

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So, since Gurtash has been taking his damn time with the next set of doodles of what went down at Tian Monastery, I figured I’d take advantage of this break in the action to check on the mail.  Let’s see what you peeps have for me this time…

 

Dear Warchief,

After perusing some of your past mailbags, I’ve decided to go ahead and ask the question that I’m sure many people are wondering but no one seems willing to ask.

You do realize that Bob is really Vol’jin, right?

–Tandeleina, Silvermoon City

Okay, so, on the plus side: Thanks for writing, Tandeleina.

On the minus side: What are you, a frigging idiot?

First of all, okay, I know that that Bob jackass is always writing from the Echo Isles, and the Echo Isles are troll territory, but that doesn’t mean he’s Vol’jin.  I mean, come on, sure the trolls are all weak and scrawny and stupid and lazy and pretty much useless, but you can’t assume because someone’s a troll that he must be Vol’jin.  That’s just fucking racist.

Number two, even if the Echo Isles thing was enough to send up a red flag, a few weeks ago I got a letter from Bob, AFTER Vol’jin had been killed in the line of duty in Pandaria.  So that should settle that.

But let’s say you’re really stubborn and paranoid, like those damn “the Cataclysm was an inside job” conspiracy people, and you’re still not convinced.  Check this out.  All of these letters I get for the mailbag are either hand-delivered standard-mail letters, or, mostly, e-mails.  With the exception of his very first letter, all of Bob’s messages have been e-mails.  Now, when I copy these letters, I don’t usually give out people’s e-mail addresses, because I figure most of my readers get enough creepy porn spam as it is (have you SEEN some of my Google hits?).  But I see the addresses.  You know what Bob’s is?  Check this out: definitelynotvoljin@gmail.com.

So yeah.  I bet you’re feeling pretty stupid now, aren’t you?

 

Hail, Warchief!

Regarding our esteemed Regent-Lord … well, some of us DID offer you the opportunity to replace him.

– A Concerned Citizen

Yeah, yeah, fine, ACC.  Enough with the I-told-you-so’s.  How was I supposed to know Regent-Lord Hair-Care was going to turn into this much of a willowy hemorrhoid?  For like two years I didn’t even know he was there.  Hell, I STILL can’t remember his actual fucking name half the time.  Why do you think I give him so many nicknames?  I mean, other than it being damn entertaining seeing what shade of purple he turns right before he throws a hissy fit over it.

Oh, speaking of which, after I wrote about ol’ Eyepatch a few days ago, his latest thing has been bitching and crying about the crack I made about…well…his eyepatch.  I make one little joke about his loss of an eye and apparently it’s a big fucking deal, because (a) I may or may not have been the one who put his eye out while I was slapping him around a little while back (without the “may not” part), and (b) at the time I kept him around basically to tell him to STFU already rather than letting him run to a shaman to maybe get the eye patched up (OOPS I’M SO INSENSITIVE) fixed while they had the chance.  I mean I’m pretty sure he was going to end up blinded in that eye anyway, but…I don’t know.  Maybe they could have done something to make it less gross?  Beats me.  So yeah, fine, whatever, I didn’t save the eye that couldn’t see.  My bad.  Suck it up, Cyclops.

 

My dearest Warchief,

I hope you are doing well. Things have been a bit dull in Orgrimmar with you off claiming Pandaria for the glory of the Horde. I’ve taken up Earth Online to fill the time in the day when I normally would hang around outside Grommash Hold hoping for a glimpse of you. I even adopted a little white dog as my pet, although he’s something called a Bichon Frise, not a terrier like your Sawyer. His name is Sherpa.

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What server are you on? Maybe I could come visit, or even join your guild? I bet Sawyer and Sherpa would have a good time playing together.

So would we.

Yours,

–Wega

You know what?  I’ll be honest with you – I’m really torn here.  I mean, on the one hand, I’m pretty sure I’ve already got enough crazy stalkerish women in my life without giving another one an invitation to come hang out in my guild.  Also Wega’s not winning any bonus points for the whole “hanging around outside Grommash Hold watching for you” thing, because for real, people, is it just me or is anyone else picturing her writing this letter in a candlelit room that has a zillion pictures of me tacked up all over the walls?  Because SHE WON’T BE IGNORED, GARROSH.

On the other hand, in a really weird, sick kind of way, I can’t help but feel like we could be looking at a real /popcorn situation if I were to toss Wega into the same guild chat with Garona.  Dunno.  I may have to think about this a little.

Anyhow, cute dog there, Wega.  I’ll get back to you.  In the meantime, please stop camping Grommash Hold.  I’m not there now anyway, and I have it on good authority that you’re creeping Eitrigg the fuck out.

 

Warchief Sir,

Recently, I had the opportunity to try Earth Online. I was intrigued by this amazing other world and the array of stories to follow. The toon I created is a cook for an American restaurant that I’m working to a world-class chef. However, trying to pass Gordon Ramsay’s Hell’s Kitchen dungeon  has been a real pain in the…but I digress.

I discover in the game, Earth Online, what they call a movie theatre. When I clicked on it and paid the money they required, a wonderous cut scene occurred called The Avengers. It was amazing moment of entertainment about this colorful heroes saving Earth from an alien invasion.

Have you seen it? If not, you may want to.

There was one large hero that reminded me of you. One called Hulk. He is really big, angry, and likes to smash things.

Again, I digress.

The reason for my letter is to ask a simple question. If a movie were made of you, which Earth Online actor would you want to portray you?

Sincerely,

–Quelita, Tarren Mill

Thanks for writing, Quelita.  I’ve talked about this before, but yeah, it really is impressive how much work they put into the game world, what with the cinematics and the readable in-game books and so on.  It’s actually kind of scary how much time you can lose just checking that stuff out.

Before I get to your question, I’ve got to address one other thing you mentioned – the Hulk.  Now, I haven’t seen The Avengers, and I’m not planning to, PRECISELY because of that character.  Usually the people over at Genesis Entertainment do a real bang-up job putting together these cut scenes, but I seriously don’t know WHAT the fuck they were thinking putting in that Hulk character.

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I mean, think about it.  Here’s this guy who flies into a rage – or, a BLOOD HAZE, IF YOU WILL – and gets bigger, and stronger, and turns all crazy and aggressive and destructive, and HE TURNS GREEN.

Um.  SERIOUSLY?

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RACIST much?  The FUCK, Genesis?

Okay, so that’s all I’m going to say about that.

Now for your question – which, I’ve got to say, is a pretty good question.  I hadn’t really given much thought to who I would cast in a movie about me, not least of all because, let’s face it, nobody’s going to bring enough awesome to the table to do me justice, so I should probably just play myself, only we’re talking about an Earth Online cinematic, not real life, so I couldn’t actually do that, so there goes that idea.  Fuck.

So okay, let’s break this down.

Obviously you’d want someone who would be physically believable as me – so we’re looking at somebody with a strong physique, who you could buy as a powerful, badass fighter.  Bonus points if he can carry off the bald look.  A track record as an ass-kicking hero type would be pretty important too.

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Hmm.  Okay, so this guy wouldn’t be TERRIBLE, but…I don’t know.  I mean, fine, he was plenty strong when he was playing the Thing, but his build really isn’t so much powerful as it’s…just kind of big and lumpy.  Plus, I’m not crazy about the language skills – maybe it was just the script he was stuck with, but honestly, I just don’t see EPIC VERSE coming from this guy.

Oh and speaking of the script?  Both those Fantastic Four cinematics he was in pretty much sucked.  Moving on.

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Okay, this is a little better.  Maybe not blowing you away with the big, powerful build, but he’s definitely got the action-hero street cred, and he can rock the bald thing in no uncertain terms.  So that’s the up side.

Down side… Well, first of all, as much as he has the badass track record, dude is just old at this point.  He’s supposed to be, what, 60 at this point?  All the credit in the world for the stuff he’s been in up till now, but come on, nobody’s going to buy a 60-year-old as a don’t-fuck-with-me badass.  (DO NOT TELL SAURFANG I SAID THAT.)

Still, I could maybe turn a blind eye (LOR’THE’MOTHERFUCKER APOLOGISTS: DRINK) to the age thing, but this guy has another strike against him: by and large, he tends to go the softspoken route with his characters.  Sort of the strong but understated type.  Which is fine, it totally works when he does it, but I don’t know if he can flip from that to go larger than life.  You know, LIVING IN CAPTIAL LETTERS.  I’d be a lot more comfortable with somebody I knew could really project and command the room and put some authority in his voice.  Bonus points if he’s not afraid throw some strong language into the mix while he’s at it.

macewindu

Okay, NOW we’re getting somewhere.  Long track record as a no-fucking-around badass?  Check.  Looks good with no hair?  Check.  Volume dial on his voice goes to eleven?  Check.  “Fuck” is like “good morning” to him?  Double and triple check.  Believable laying down some epic badass dialogue?  YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME IS CHECK.  Experience with an awesomely kickass melee weapon?  Check.

Granted he might be a little up there in years too, but whatever, I’m not going to get too hung up on that if everything else is lining up.

jules

Okay, hang on, I already told you about the Saurfang thing.  Hmm.  You know, I’m starting to think this guy might have a little TOO much attitude.  I’m not going to take any sassing from someone pretending to be me.  Dude’s gotta remember who’s the original and who’s the economy pack here.

Okay, so let’s refine this to the really key components.  Strong, powerful, don’t-fuck-with-me badass.  Track record doing action.  Commanding voice and a willingness to turn up the volume.  Able to throw some words together and maybe even lay down a rhyme.  Can carry off non-standard hair.  And hey, while we’re at it, since he’ll have to wear Mannoroth’s tusks and some earrings like I do, it’d be good to know this is someone who can lug around some ornamentation and make it look cool.

mrt

Oh HELL yeah.  Sold.  Done.  Check please.  The end.

 

That’s going to do it for this time, but as always, keep those letters coming to garrosh1337@gmail.com.  It’s great to hear from you guys, and answering your questions is always good times, so don’t just sit there like an asshole, write in to your Warchief now.  I PITY THE FOOL THAT DOESN’T.

More soon.

I think I can remember your name

Posted in Comics, General with tags , , , , , , , , , on February 8, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

tianmonastery1

I’m scheduled to fly back to Kin-Lai Summit in a couple days to check in again with Lor’the’motherfucker’s Reliquary peeps and see how their research is going at the new mogu site.  I’m pretty well certain that if we can figure out what happened to this Divine Bell, it could be the thing that finally tips the scales for us against the Alliance.  So I’ll give Regent-Lord Cyclops and his crew a few days to prance around up there, then stop in and see how badly they need me to hold their feet to the fire.

In the meantime, I’m taking a little time to have a look around some more of Pandaria, starting with where Nazgrim got the ball rolling a couple months ago, the Jade Forest.  I decided to bring Gurtash for the trip, along with blademaster Burzum and Ben-Lin Cloudstrider, who’s seeing mainland Pandaria for the first time and is plenty curious about her homeland-that’s-not.

First stop was Serpent’s Heart, site of that big battle Nazgrim fought between…well…his monkeys and the Alliance’s fish men.

Yeah, I needed a minute there to be sad again.

Anyhow, this was my first look at the handiwork of this “sha” that I keep hearing about…specifically, in this case, the Sha of Doubt, because I guess they all decided to divide up into jurisdictions or whatever.  Anyway, pretty creepy stuff, not least of all because even the land itself seems to have been infected by whatever dark energy these sha things generate.

After that, we flew around checking some of the regions to the north, and wound up paying a visit to a place I’d heard of once before, a long time and another world ago…

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* Tian Monastery was mentioned to Garrosh here, in an alternate timeline.

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* Like this?

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[A quick OOC note: Garrosh's adventures at Tian Monastery will be spread out over a series of web comic installments.  The comics are a lot of fun to put together, but are also something of a beast time-wise, so please bear with me if the next few posts have longer gaps between them than you may be accustomed to here.  Thanks for reading as always!]

Desperate Times

Posted in Words from a Scribe with tags , , , , , , , , on February 6, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

orgrimmar11

Neeru Fireblade may very well have been right about the Council of the Black Harvest not being willing to talk to me, but for now that’s going to need to be a “cross that bridge when I come to it” concern.  For now, the much bigger problem is going to be finding them.  My best in is probably going to be Ritssyn, given his Orgrimmar ties, but he’s still far from a sure thing, and even that’s assuming I can track him down.  He was supposedly on his way to the Firelands, but that’s not exactly a place to go take a casual stroll alone without really knowing what you’re getting into, especially if you’re like me and your command of the elements leaves a lot to be desired in the first place.

So, I’m going to need to take the indirect approach to this.  I have Ji out helping me with part of it; this morning he left to do some investigating for me in Desolace.  Meanwhile, I just came from a private meeting with Eitrigg.  At least I think it was private.  I didn’t notice any stealthy whooshy sounds while I was there, but who knows?

I gathered from Eitrigg that Garrosh isn’t exactly thrilled with what he’s been hearing about me – no shock there – but he hasn’t sent along any specific orders where I’m concerned yet.  Considering that he’s known me for several years now, Eitrigg’s willing to give me the benefit of the doubt for the time being, although even he expressed concern about whether I’m sure I know what I’m doing.  The truth of the matter is, the last thing in the world that I am right now is sure, but circumstances aren’t affording me a luxury of options.

Still, without showing too much of my hand, I managed to persuade him to let me borrow one of the sets of diplomatic tabards and banners that we issues to the emissaries we send various places.  While I have those colors displayed – and remain visibly unarmed – I’ll be allowed free passage into nearly any territory, including within Alliance borders.

I’m about to take a trip to Ironforge.

Right now, I can’t really go into more detail than that.  Ultimately, if things work out the way I hope they will, you’ll understand why.  Still, I know I’m taking a considerable risk here, but it’s a necessary one.  If I don’t have this all resolved and accounted for by the time Garrosh gets back from Pandaria, he’s more likely to have my head on a platter than anything else; and if these spectral assassins keep coming after me, I’m just as dead.  Even with Garona watching over me – which I’m sure she won’t keep doing forever – it’s just a matter of time before the assassins start coming often enough and in great enough numbers that they’ll finish me off before anyone can do anything about it.

I’ll be leaving soon to meet Deliana in Ratchet, and from there on to the Eastern Kingdoms.  It’s probably going to be a few days at the very least before I have the chance up write anything here.  If you have any extra fingers, cross them.

 

Mokvar

Never send an elf to do an orc’s job

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , on February 3, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

garroshmogujia

Okay, so I’m starting to get sick of Lor’thefuckhisnameis.

After the blood elves’ Reliquary people found the records of the Divine Bell, I had Regent-Lord Ponytail send his archeologists up to Kun-Lai Summit to do some followup digging at another mogu site.  I gave them a few days to work and then made a trip up to check on how they were doing.  It didn’t occur to me that I might need aspirin while I was there.  Shows how much I know.

Ponytail was there with the archeologists and some of his Blood Knights, and hoo boy, I had barely dismounted Mortimer when he started in with the griping and the complaining and the crying like a little girl.  You know, I’ll tell you, a couple months ago I barely even knew who Captain Eyepatch was – okay, let’s be honest, most days I still don’t – but lately the guy has been turning into a regular Baine Bloodhoof Bitch-and-Moan All-Star.  And wait till you hear what the dude was complaining – AT GREAT LENGTH – ABOUT.  Apparently, while the elves were flitting around the ruins doing their digging, some mogu statues came to life and attacked them (SEE? SEE? THIS IS WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT WITH THE FUCKING STATUES), and Ponytail got his panties all in a bunch because his people nearly got roflstomped and statuespanked and OMG Garrosh why didn’t you warn us something like this might happen.

Which, first of all, go back and read that last part again.

Okay, done?  Let’s recap.

Regent-Lord Hair-Care and his peeps were sent to some mogu ruins.

Mogu ruins.  Ruins of building built by the MOGU.  Who have been turning up again lately, all over the place.

Ruins that were decorated with mogu statues.  STATUES, which it’s been established that the mogu had the power to animate.

And so these people, these brilliant brilliant elves, were utterly stunned and blindsided when, lo and behold, some mogu statues fucking WOKE UP on them.

This, by the way, after the LAST dig site featured one of those freaky statue dogs spontaneously reanimated and jumping them.

Is anyone else seeing how ridiculous this is, or am I just an asshole?  How much more warning do these fuckwits need?  And I mean, let me tell you, Ponytail would NOT shut up about how badly his people took it on the chin after they got surprised.  Dude was going full-bore Tirion on me.  But really, how sad is that?  These people are totally flabbergasted by the appearance of a hostile enemy KNOWN TO BE AT LARGE, at a site that is KNOWN TO HAVE BELONGED TO THEM?

Seriously, how could Lor’the’motherfucker POSSIBLY get blindsided by that?  Unless, you know, the mogu came at him from his left.  OH YEAH YOU BET YOUR ASS I SAID IT.

But for real.  Look, a lot of you guys have gone on missions for me.  Doesn’t this sound like, you know, a STANDARD occupational hazard?  Hell, never mind THAT, even – I know some of you are amateur archeologists yourselves.  Beats the hell out of me as far as WHY, sounds like it would be boring as all fuck, but whatever – from what I hear, when you people are out digging for fragments in Pandaria, every so often one of those little sha buggers will pop up out of the ground and try to take a bite out of you.  And STRANGELY ENOUGH, I never hear any of YOU complain about how you didn’t know it was coming and holy crap how do you expect us to defend ourselves and ow it hurts it hurts I have sand in my vagina ow.  No, because you guys HANDLE YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.

Anyway, bottom line is, after making me seriously question how much I want to depend on these elves, Hair-Care managed to scrape together a few possible leads on another mogu site a ways further north.  I’m having him head up there to check it out, while I take bets on what he’ll wind up crying about this time.

At least I managed to get the last laugh in this time.  Right before I left, while I was mounted up on Mortimer and everything, I turned back and went, “By the way, what was your name again?”  Dude, you shoulda seen the look on his face.  Also, I guess I got out of there just in the nick of time, too – I hear tell right after I left, the Sha of Anger spontaneously appeared out of nowhere right around those ruins.  Weird.

"Lor'themar!  My name is LOR'THEMAR!  LOR'THE-FUCKING-MAR THERON!"

“Lor’themar! My name is LOR’THEMAR! LOR’THE-FUCKING-MAR THERON!”

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