The Roshy Horror Picture Show

Barnes walks back offstage following his introduction, as the ghostly audience applauds.

BARNES:  Go no now, they’re waiting for you!

GARROSH:  Um, the FUCK you say?

MOKVAR:  Do you mean we’re supposed to…?

BARNES:  As I said, your tale sounds like an intriguing one…

FARANELL:  Ugh, I always hated school plays…

GARROSH:  Yeah, fine, but…

BARNES:  And if you want my help with your Malchezaar problem, you’re just going to have to help me with tonight’s audience!

GARROSH:  You can’t seriously—

BARNES:  Now don’t worry, the magic of the Opera House will help you along as you go.

GARROSH:  But we—

BARNES:  Now go on!  There they are now, entertain them!

GARROSH:  Ugh.  Fine.

Garrosh sighs and reluctantly trudges out on stage, followed by the rest of the group.  The audience applauds their arrival.

GARONA:  <scanning the applauding crowd>  I could get used to this, actually…

MOKVAR:  So, uh, what are we supposed to do?

GARROSH:  Beats me…

BARNES:  <echoing from offstage>  Oh, all right, I can see you have a touch of stage fright, so I’ll help get you started…

Music begins to play as an enormous, disembodied spectral mouth appears at the back of the stage and slowly floats forward.

GARROSH:  <jumping away from the mouth as it moves up>  The FUCK?!

 

{DEMON HUNTERS TRIPLE FEATURE}

PROLOGUE (a.k.a. THE LIPS):

Some adventurers came; they were not seeking fame,
But our audience would rejoice.
They knew axes and runes, not so much spinning tunes,
But our magic here would give them a voice.

They came on a quest, ventured seeking to best
A demon that they call Malchezaar.
But their prey they can’t face, while he’s in Netherspace;
Why they seek him, well that’s quite bizarre.

Demon hunters triple feature:
Spectral patrons will fill the bleachers.
Here one night only: Hordies singing!
Improv performances, they’ll be winging.
Oh oh oh oh oh,
At the late night triple feature opera show.

It’s a perilous tale!  Will our heroes prevail
As they journey the pathways of time?
At a dragon’s behest, everyone was impressed,
Though “Nozdormu” is a real bitch to rhyme.

But as they went along, something went wrong,
You’ll see, just wait for the surprise!
For they found themselves trapped as the worlds overlapped –
Watch it unfold now in front of your eyes!

Demon hunters triple feature:
Spectral patrons will fill the bleachers.
Here one night only: Hordies singing!
Improv performances, they’ll be winging.
Oh oh oh oh oh,
At the late night triple feature opera show.
The stars will glow,
Oh oh oh oh,
At the late night triple feature opera show.
An hour or so,
Oh oh oh oh,
At the late night triple feature opera show.
So here we go,
Oh oh oh oh,
At the late night triple feature opera show.

The ghostly mouth fades away.  Garrosh and the others look back and forth awkwardly among themselves as the audience starts to murmur.

GARROSH:  Yeah…so…

MOKVAR:  What now?

BARNES:  <offstage>  You folks really aren’t used to performing, are you?

GARROSH:  Yeah, how about I drop you into a battlefield with no prepping and see how YOU do, spooks.

BARNES:  <sighs>  Well, how did everything begin with this adventure of yours?

GARROSH:  Well, Sylvanas reported this whole—

BARNES:  Don’t tell me, tell them!

GARROSH:  Oh.  <turns to face the audience>  Uh…yeah, so, Sylvanas came to me with this problem…

A ghostly likeness of Sylvanas Windrunner walks onstage and approaches Garrosh.

…and…well holy crap, look at that…

Music starts to swell again.  Garrosh looks around in confusion.

SYLVANAS:  Hail, Warchief!

GARROSH:  Um…okay…

SYLVANAS:  I’ve got something to ask…

GARROSH:  Uh…yeah?

SYLVANAS:

…of your leadership, in which we bask.
But now, I fear, I must beg a task.

GARROSH:  This is…kinda weird…

 

{OH GOSH, GARROSH}

SYLVANAS:

We need your help now, son of Grommash!

LIADRIN and MOKVAR: <together, flatly>

          (Garrosh.)

SYLVANAS:

You’re leading the Horde with such panache.
          (Garrosh.)
That Theramore thing, we’ll just whitewash.
          (Garrosh.)
So I need to tell you now,
Oh gosh, Garrosh,
We need you.

The problem we have I know you’ll squash.
          (Garrosh.)
Whoever’s behind it, you will quash.
          (Garrosh.)
If you pull this off, Aka’Magosh!
          (Garrosh.)
So I need to tell you now,
Oh gosh, Garrosh,
We need you.

There is something killing the Forsaken
In Southshore – details are still vague.
Something magic, if I’m not mistaken.
Oh, but don’t fret, we weren’t making plague.

Nope.  No way.  <glances around furtively>

GARROSH:

I asked for a contact; you said him.
          (Edwin.)
This Faranell guy, with the dead grin.
          (Edwin.)
Your Banshee Queen, she’s been beggin’.
          (Edwin.)
So let’s get to work now, Doc,
Come in, Edwin,
I’ll save you.

So, Edwin…

FARANELL:

Yeah?  <looking disturbed to find himself singing>  Oh gosh…

GARROSH:

Where to begin?

FARANELL:

Well…Garrosh…

GARROSH:

What to do?

One side of the stage fades into the likeness of old Southshore, while the other side takes on that of the Caverns of Time.

FARANELL:

We’re kind of screwed.
Here is what we’ve got to do…

We’ll travel in time – really, no josh –
          (Garrosh.)
To trace back this anti-plague death slosh.
          (Garrosh.)
Once it’s found, I’ll put the kibosh.
          (Garrosh.)
That covers it, I think, so
Oh gosh, Garrosh,
Time we flew.

Oh gosh, Garrosh…

GARROSH:

Edwin, no chin.

FARANELL:

Hey!  Gosh, Garrosh.

GARROSH and FARANELL:  <looking increasingly uneasy with all of this>

Wow, that blew.

GARONA:  So, hold on, how did you all know to…you know…sing that?

GARROSH:  I just kind of DID…

FARANELL:  That was…weird…

BARNES:  <offstage>  As I said, the Opera House glamours will help you along — now keep it going, you’re on a roll!

GARROSH:  My dad never had to do any shit like this to kill fucking Mannoroth…

MOKVAR:  Okay, so next…

LIADRIN:  <turning to the audience>  The mission to save the Forsaken in the past was a success…

The scenery on one side of the stage morphs from the appearance of Southshore to that of Orgrimmar.

…but when we returned, we found that the past had been altered…

GARONA:  <looking around>  Oh wow, this is freaky…

Around them, Orgrimmar flickers between its normal appearance and one torn by battle, with demons and Scourge running about.

MOKVAR:  You should have been there when it was actually happening.

GARROSH:  Right, so at that point…

Music begins to resonate through the hall.

DONTRAG:  Uh, I think it’s starting again…

FARANELL:  Aren’t we lucky…

 

{TIME WARP}

GARROSH:

Noz has spoken
Time is broken,
All thanks to Faranell.
Now what’s left for me?

LIADRIN:

Ask Soridormi.

MOKVAR:

Timelines have gone to hell.

FARANELL:

I remember
Being in Southshore
Up till that moment when
The blackness consumed me…

GARROSH:

Now this future will doom me!

ALL:

Let’s do the time warp again!
Let’s do the time warp again!

FARANELL:

I took a turn to the left.

ALL:

It should have been to the right!

FARANELL:

Bad news, everyone!

ALL:

No Putricide in sight!
And now the surging Scourge
Invade us from Northrend.
Let’s do the time warp again!
Let’s do the time warp again!

LIADRIN:

It’s intriguing.

UTVOCH:

But mentally fatiguing…

LIADRIN:

With the demons blitzkrieging
We need a plan.

GARROSH:  <rushing in with Focusing Iris in hand>

Hey now, get out of my way!
We’re gonna fix up the timeways.
Hit the old Hillsbrad highways,
Back where it all began.

FARANELL:

Now I’m feeling regretful…

MOKVAR:

Wait till you get forgetful:
Those gaps in memory now and then.

GARROSH:

I see demons invadin’!

LIADRIN:  <drawing the Ashbringer>

I got dibs on Kil’jaeden!

ALL:

Let’s do the time warp again!
Let’s do the time warp again!

FARANELL:

Well I was running down the street
Toward the Southshore inn,
Had to tag myselves “it”
Much to my chagrin.
She’d told me the plan
And she seemed strong and wise;
She had a blood elf’s shape
And a dragon’s eyes.
I pounced myself and I felt displaced –
Time convulsing, snapping back in place.

ALL:

Let’s do the time warp again!
Let’s do the time warp again!

FARANELL:

I took a turn to the left.

ALL:

It should have been to the right!

FARANELL:

Bad news, everyone!

ALL:

The Legion joins the fight!
The fall of Orgrimmar –
It wasn’t if, but when.
Let’s do the time warp again!
Let’s do the time warp again!

Let’s do the time warp again!
Let’s do the time warp again!

FARANELL:

I took a turn to the left.

ALL:

It should have been to the right!

FARANELL:

Bad news, everyone!

ALL:

There’s nothing here that’s right!
We’ve got to fix this mess,
So turn the years back ten.
Let’s do the time warp again!
Let’s do the time warp again!

Everyone collapses onto the floor for a moment as the lights dim, the surrounding scenery fades, and a dark curtain slides in close behind them.  After a few seconds, they begin to rise to their feet.

DONTRAG:  So wait, all that really happened?

UTVOCH:  What have I been trying to tell you?

DONTRAG:  Why don’t I remember any of it?

UTVOCH:  Donty, the stuff you don’t remember we could just about crowbar into Razorwind Canyon.

GARROSH:  Enough, you two!

LIADRIN:  But, that pretty much covers everything important, doesn’t it?

A rhythmic bass line and drum beat can be heard in the background.

FARANELL:  More or less.

GARONA:  Why am I still hearing music, then?

GARROSH:  Yeah, good question, shouldn’t it be show over at this point?

BARNES:  <offstage>  You’ll have to forgive me — while I was drawing on your memories for the show so far, well…there was just too much other great material to pass up!

MOKVAR:  Oh no…

GARROSH:  Oh crap, what have you people been remembering now?

A heavy guitar chord echoes through the hall as the dark curtain parts, and, from just behind Garrosh, Lor’themar Theron struts on stage, dressed in a full Black Mageweave set.  (And no, not the male version.)

GARROSH:  The FUCK?

 

{E-TRANSVESTITE}

LOR’THEMAR:

Greetings, orc-kind!
Hope you don’t mind
My dropping in for a call.
It’s always quite the same:
You forget my name –
I never once called you Thrall.

Don’t get freaked out
By the way I look;
Don’t rush to judgments too early.
I’m not much of a man
In the daytime sun,
But online I’m one popular girly.

I’m just an e-transvestite
From trade chat channel,
Playing Earth Online.

Could you show me around?
Maybe help get this mob down?
Think you could spare me a dollar?
Or is your interest waning
In more dungeon chaining?
If you change your mind, give me a holler.

GARROSH:

Um, listen, dude,
I don’t mean to be rude.
I don’t want you throwing a fit.
You do your thing, fine,
Just…do it online.
No one needs to look at that shit.

LOR’THEMAR:

So you don’t like the sight?
Well now, you just might
Have met, in your times epicurean,
One hot sexy avatar,
Says she’s from Astranaar –
That night elf’s real name might be Malfurion.

I’m just an e-transvestite
From trade chat channel,
Playing Earth Online.

Why don’t you free up your mind?
You won’t be maligned.
Just try to enjoy the eye candy.
I mean nothing malicious
In looking so delicious –
But trusting noobs really are handy.

I’m just an e-transvestite
From trade chat channel,
Playing Earth Online.

Hey!  Hey!

I’m just an e-transvestite
From trade chat channel,
Playing Earth Online.

So, log on to play,
And look with dismay
At those female toons you’ve been observing.
But you’ve got those blinders
While in Dungeon Finder,
So I’ll dispel the veil…but not your perving!

As he delivers the last line, the curtain closes in front of him.  The audience bursts into raucous applause.

GARROSH:  Okay, what in the holy FUCK was THAT?

MOKVAR:  Well, you did call him out for playing a female toon…

GARROSH:  And also, THAT gets the ovation?

FARANELL:  Personally, I thought my bridge was pretty good.

GARROSH:  And a whole lot less discomforting…

Barnes walks out on stage with them.

BARNES:  A hand for our performers, ladies and gentlemen!

The audience applauds more.

GARROSH:  Okay, so we’re good now, right, spooks?  Ready to set us up with this mystery in of yours?

BARNES:  All in good time, sir.

GARROSH:  Wait, what the fuck is THAT supposed to mean?

BARNES:  <grinning>  Well as I said, sir, while I was casting the glamours, I took the liberty of poking around in some of your memories…and I’m afraid you all have far too much wonderful story material for me not to avail myself of the opportunity.

GARROSH:  Um…WHAT?

BARNES:  And we do still have another show to tend to after the intermission.  You and your friends are welcome, of course, to take the opportunity to rest and refresh yourselves…

GARROSH:  Intermission?  What intermission?

BARNES:  This one, sir.  We’ll resume with a new tale soon.

The curtain closes to mounting applause.

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3 Responses to “The Roshy Horror Picture Show”

  1. *cheering* Bravo! Bravo! Encore! Encore!

  2. Is Garona next? She might be feeling left out… BUT OMG BRING ON D&U’s performance!

  3. Tandeleina Says:

    Days later and I still have Timewarp stuck in my head. Damn you Avery!

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