The mad bomber of Zul’Gurub
After I sent up my signal, I waited with Mortimer at the gates of Zul’Gurub. I was able to see roughly which way Tembw’bam was flying – he looked to be keeping at a fairly high altitude and moving toward the far end of the ruins. Probably not heading to any of the central structures, but hard to say for sure.
Krog and Mokvar showed up fairly quickly, and brought some extra support with them – Nimboya from Grom’gol, and one of Nimboya’s Bambala contacts, Kil’karil. (Side note: Kil’karil is like the only troll I’ve ever met who’s made ANY effort at all to get rid of that idiotic accent they all seem to have. I guess the dude worked with a speech coach at some point, because every so often, when he really bears down, he’s actually able to talk like, you know, a normal person. When he’s feeling a lot of stress he tends to lose focus, though, and lapse back to old habits, but hey, at least he’s trying, I suppose.)
Once we were all gathered, we made our way inside. Zul’Gurub is mostly empty these days – after Jin’do tried to do his mojo on ghost-Hakkar and got his ass smacked down by Horde adventurers last year, the rest of the Gurubashi have mostly cleared out. Not sure if they’ve just scattered around Stranglethorn, or taken off to somewhere else, but you only ever see a few stragglers hanging around their old stomping grounds these days. At this point the only residents seem to be – you guessed it – animals.
We split up to make a sweep through the ruins – Mokvar and me (Team Orc!) to the north, Nimboya and Kil’karil (Team Troll!) to the south, and Krog (Team Sneaky Bugger!) stealthing around doing his roguey recon thing.
As we were passing by Bethekk’s old temple, Mokvar and I ran into a bunch of panthers, most of which were rocking a couple pieces of leather or mail gear. Nothing we couldn’t handle, between me bladestorming and Mokvar throwing down an earthquake or two. While we were fighting them off, though, we spotted our old friend again – Tembw’bam was swooping on by, into the temple. Once we’d finished off the panthers, we went in after him, but tried to stay quiet so we could maybe see what he was up to.
The temple was mostly empty as far as signs of life were concerned – unless you count about a zillion rats (not equipped with knives and helmets this time, mercifully) – but as far as signs of death? Total overstock. There were skeletons scattered around the place, with weapons and armor scattered around the bones. It looked like a whole bunch of somebodies managed to die on their way through this place once upon a time, and their old gear was left behind as a memento.
Eventually, we made our way to the inner chamber, where Arlokk, and later Kilnara, had set up shop until they were defeated. Now the room just serves as the innermost pile of skeletons and gear in the building. We snuck in as quietly as we could, and peeked in. Sure enough, our boy Tembw’bam was bouncing around, stuffing gear into bags like some kind of backwards hyperactive Greatfather Winter. (I STILL want to know how he managed to load that much shit into a backpack, by the way.) Still yammering on and on to himself, by the way, something along the lines of…actually, you know what, fucking Mokvar was there. See for yourself:
Tembw’bam runs erratically around the chamber, shoving gear into a number of bags.
TEMBW’BAM: …that’s what ya gotta do, mon, ya gotta keep the line movin’, mon! Hah! HahahaHAH! And so he says to me, he says, ya wanna be a hero? And I say, YAH MON! It gonna be bad! Bad, mon! So bad it good, mon! HAHA! I be makin’ da gravy wit’out da lumps, mon! HAHAHAH!
He picks up a warhammer and swings it around awkwardly, almost falling over multiple times.
TEMBW’BAM: Swing an’ miss, mon! Turn of da screw! It’s da bottom of da ninth an’ da dog an’ pony be showin’ da ropes, mon! HAHAHAHAH!
He shifts into cat form and leaps across the room, then starts shoveling gear into a nearby satchel with both paws.
TEMBW’BAM: So he says ta me, he says ta me, you got style, mon! But you gotta get a plan! You need a plan, mon! And I says, I go, YAH MON, a plan, dat’s it! Tembw’bam gonna arm me army! Arm me army, arm me army arm me army armmearmy armarmymarmy army army ARM ’DEM MON! And kill all da two-legs! YAH, MON, YAH! HAHAHAHA!
MOKVAR: <aside to Garrosh> Wow, you weren’t kidding about this guy.
GARROSH: No shit, right?
Tembw’bam perks a cat ear and looks back at the doorway, spotting Garrosh and Mokvar.
MOKVAR: Uh oh.
Everyone stares at each other for several seconds. Tembw’bam turns back into a troll.
TEMBW’BAM: Oh. Um. <long pause while he looks around nervously> Um…hhhhhhhhhhey, mon.
MOKVAR: Uh, hey?
GARROSH: So. About this whole deal here with the bags.
Tembw’bam starts pushing random gear around the floor with his feet.
TEMBW’BAM: Oh, dat, mon? Oh, ya know, I just be tryin’ ta neaten up in here, it be all messy, ya know, just an eyesore when it be such a nice place when ya keep it nice…an’…uh…an’…AN’ HE SAYS, EVIL BE OKAY IN MY BOOK, MON, HOW ’BOUT YOURS? An’ I go, I says, YAH MON YAH! YAH!
Tembw’bam suddenly shapeshifts into cat form and pounces Garrosh, knocking him to the floor.
GARROSH: Fucking hell—!
TEMBW’BAM: Dead mon walkin’, mon! Dead mon on da trapeze! AN OBJECT AT REST CANNOT BE STOPPED, MON!
Tembw’bam dashes past Garrosh and Mokvar through the doorway and runs up the stairs.
GARROSH: Seriously, would it kill you to put the pen down when shit like that starts happening to me?
So yeah, can you believe that shit?
We ran upstairs as fast as we could, but I’m guessing he must have stealthed once he got outside. Mokvar and I started making our way further east, then south, and tried to check around as many corners as we could on the way.
After we’d cleared out a bunch of random wandering snakes (which were wearing plate chest pieces, which, y’know, ONE DOES WHEN ONE IS A SNAKE), we passed by what’s left of High Priest Thekal’s old area. It’s mostly destroyed and collapsed in on itself since the Cataclysm, just heaps of stone and fallen walls, but I thought I heard something in there, so we stopped to have a look-see. When we got closer, I thought the noises were coming from behind some of the rubble, so I yanked a few of the stone blocks out of the way. (YES I can just toss stone blocks around like that, pansies – that’s what fucking happens when you actually know what the inside of the gym looks like.) Turns out, there was a fucking TIGER back there! Only I guess the thing was trapped, who knows for how long, so it wasn’t really hostile, just eager to get the hell out of there.
Funny thing is, once it was free, the tiger didn’t seem too interested in outright leaving – it just sort of stayed close by and followed me around for a while. I guess maybe it was grateful that I’d gotten it free or something? Eventually from the way the tiger kept leaning down when it was close, I took a guess that it was trying to offer to let me ride on its back. Which, okay, that’s all kinds of cool. Don’t get me wrong – Mortimer is awesome and all, but riding around on a tiger is pretty damn badass. Mokvar whined a little about not getting to ride it too, but hey, I don’t share rides that way with other dudes, and plus, he’s got his damn wolf form or whatever. What’s up with shaman who can’t seem to remember they can do that, anyway?
Anyhow, we took off from Thekal’s corner and started heading south. Near the path leading up to Bloodlord Mandokir’s old digs, we found Nimboya and Kil’karil fighting off a bunch of raptors…which were wearing leather bomber helmets. Yeah. Meanwhile, everybody’s favorite nutjob druid was swooping around swiping at our guys while they were busy dealing with the raptors. When he saw us coming in to join the fight, though, he was smart enough to figure he’d better make himself scarce, and flew up out of our reach.
There was a large troll temple overlooking the path we were on, built into the surrounding hills. While we got the raptors under control, Tembw’bam flew up to the temple and disappeared through an arch for a minute, then came flying back out – and started flinging saronite bombs down at us, doing his patented ranting all the while…
TEMBW’BAM: An’ so he says, I don’t like the cut o’ ya jib! And I says, I go, it’s da only jib I got, mon! HAHAHAHAHA!
Garrosh, Mokvar, Nimboya, and Kil’karil scatter, trying to avoid the falling bombs.
KIL’KARIL: What be dis guy’s problem, mon?!
GARROSH: <smacking a bomb away with Gorehowl, only to have it detonate just in front of him and knock him back> Including or in addition to being totally fucking nuts?
TEMBW’BAM: <swooping over, dropping more bombs> Yah! Boom, mon, boom! Eat saronite, two-legs! HAHAHA!
GARROSH: Dude, what fucking species do you think YOU are?
MOKVAR: Arguing with the crazy guy might not be the best plan.
GARROSH: How about you come talk to me about tactical options after you put the fucking notebook away?
Tembw’bam starts to circle around to make another bombing swoop, when Mortimer flies in and collides with him, knocking him back and causing him to drop his remaining bombs into one of the nearby walls. Tembw’bam hits the ground hard, then pulls himself up to his feet as a troll.
GARROSH: Okay, now we’re in business!
MOKVAR: You really need to give that wyvern a raise at some point.
Tembw’bam casts Hibernate on Mortimer, putting him to sleep in mid-air and causing him to crash to the ground. Garrosh charges at Tembw’bam, who casts Typhoon and knocks him back into the rest of the group.
TEMBW’BAM: Ha! Haha! HAHAHA! For every action, dere be an equal an’ opposite stitch in time, mon! HAHA! An’ so I says ta him, tell me I be wrong, an’ he says, he goes, I can’t, mon, ’cause you’re n—
Tembw’bam’s ranting is interrupted when Krog unstealths behind him and stun-locks him.
KROG: Oh. Shut. Up, laughing boy.
GARROSH: Oh thank goodness.
KIL’KARIL: Well he truly is a piece of work, now isn’t he?
MOKVAR: Hang on, what’s up with your voice, Kil?
KIL’KARIL: What about my voice? I haven’t a notion what you mean.
NIMBOYA: Don’ try to get into it wit’ him, mon.
GARROSH: <sprinting back over to Tembw’bam> Okay, so finally…
Tembw’bam breaks out of Krog’s stun, shapeshifts into bear form, and bashes Krog. He immediately shifts to cat form and tries to leap away, but is intercepted by Garrosh, who grabs him tightly by the scruff of his neck.
GARROSH: <holding Tembw’bam at arm’s length while he flails around futilely> Not so fast there, batshit.
TEMBW’BAM: You’ll never prove a t’ing, mon! I’m just a part-time herbalist! I— I— I…
KROG: Uh, we’ve got like a room full of witnesses who saw—
TEMBW’BAM: BAD IS GOOD, MON! DOWN WIT’ DA TWO-LEGS!
MOKVAR: Again, arguing with the insane? Not really worth it.
So, we finally managed to get that fucker under wraps. By this point, Mortimer was back up and about – he’d gotten the wind knocked out of him when he crash landed, but he wasn’t any worse for wear other than a few bruises – so he and I flew up to that temple that Tembw’bam was zipping in and out of. Inside, there were frigging MOUNTAINS of gear, and bags scattered all around the place. Pretty much any kind of weapon or armor you could think of, most of it showing some wear and tear but still plenty usable.
We made another sweep around Zul’Gurub, but only found a handful of other geared-up animals. There were a few other areas where there was a pretty large amount of gear laying around on the ground among skeletons, especially up on top of the Altar of the Blood God, where Jin’do was trying to do his thing on Hakkar. I’m thinking Tembw’bam may have been flying around in here gathering up all the equipment that had been dropped by adventurers who’d come into ZG and gotten their asses killed. Granted, given the quality of some of this crap, I can see why they didn’t have a whole lot of success, but still. Who knows how many places he’d been doing this in.
I’m having Tembw’bam ferried off to – let’s just say – a secure place to be held and kept out of trouble. Meanwhile, I’m on my way back to Orgrimmar, where all of a sudden I’ve got to find some more stable space for the tiger. Maybe in a pen next to the camel. We’ll see.