Archive for February, 2012

Mission accomplished

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , on February 29, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

Let’s get right down to brass tacks – Deathwing is dead!

Good job, Horde, I definitely probably couldn’t have done it without you.  Well, I could have, but it would have been a way bigger headache.

From what I hear, at the very end Deathwing managed to step it up from standard crazy to hoo-boy molten tentacly super-crazy, but Thrall and the Dragon Aspects (now emeritus) were able to supercharge the Dragon Soul and go all kablooey on his ass.

The former Aspects came to Orgrimmar yesterday to deliver a piece of Deathwing’s jaw as a trophy (although let’s be honest, they could probably give a piece of Deathwing’s jaw to everyone they meet individually and still have plenty left over for the Wyrmrest gift shop – have you SEEN that dude’s jaw?).  Thrall wasn’t able to make it because of something or other he needed to go back to Nagrand for with Aggra, but it was still cool to meet Alexstrasza, Nozdormu, Kalecgos, and Ysera.

Maybe not so much Kalecgos, actually.  He was kind of mopey and whiney the whole time (you could say he was BLUE – GET IT? HAHA I crack myself up sometimes).  Apparently he only had like a week left on his Aspect probationary period.  I guess he just missed logging enough hours on the job for his pension to kick in.  Kinda sucks, but I guess that’s the risk you take when you apply for a funding-conditional job.

Alexstrasza seemed cool and all, once you get past her apparently shopping at the same Respect My Strength But Look at These! outlet that Sylvanas goes to, but I’m also wondering if she just has trouble controlling whatever hocus-pocus she has going on.  At one point Eitrigg’s pet worg went up to her and rolled onto its side.  Alexstrasza obliged and rubbed its belly a little.  Now the worg’s pregnant.  Way to not know you own strength there, Life-Binder.

Anyway, they tell me they’re all going into semi-retirement now, and really, after thousands of years on the job (well, other than Kalecgos, but we’ve already covered that) they’ve probably earned some down time.  Also this way the chances are much lower that another one of them will eventually go crazy and make us have to kill them.  Well, except for Nozdormu, where we’ve pretty much already established that the chance is like 100%.  So it goes.

 

 

[Header image provided by Khizzara from Blog of the Treant, used here with permission and many thanks.]

Monday mailbag

Posted in Mailbag with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 27, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

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Well it looks like we’re finally back to mail that’s just for ME, now that the bottomless pile of Saurfang fan mail is out of the way.  So, let’s get right to it…

 

Hail, Warchief!

This is an open letter to the Archdruids Malfurion Stormrage and Lathorius. It involves the former’s recent mistreatment of a Flameward Hippogryph.

I don’t really have a “day job” as such. I do odd jobs for people like the Dragonmaw Clan, the Protectors of Hyjal, and I’m good enough to earn a fairly decent living at it. Lately, that’s involved a fair bit of time on the Molten Front. Archdruid Stormrage recently saw fit to reward my service with a gift of sorts. Anyway, I get home to my Silvermoon pad one day, and there’s a package waiting for me. I said “package”, it was actually more like a crate, with air holes in it. The postmarks read, “Mount Hyjal”, then “Darnassus”, then “Ratchet”, then “Booty Bay”, and finally, “Silvermoon”. Goblin Post, Fourth Rate. It was at this point that I noticed a whimpering coming from inside the crate.

Now, this is going to sound damned odd coming from a man who joined up with the Blood Knights back when the first lesson on the syllabus was “How To Punch A Captive Naaru In The Jumblies”, but…

Stormrage, you sick bastard, WHAT THE HELL, MAN?!? What on Azeroth possessed you to decide that this was a good idea? Surely, you could have sent it Express. Or, you probably know a mage or two. Or, left a note that I could pick him up next time I was over by Nordrassil. But Goblin Post? Fourth Rate? That’s just WRONG.

Then again, I have no idea why I’m surprised. What else would you expect of a man who’d stand by examining his fingernails while forty Horde raiders curb-stomp his wife?

For what it’s worth, Ted’s doing great. (I named him for Tederastrasz, a dragon I met over in Twilight Highlands.) I don’t normally like to ride animals. I usually prefer the throaty roar of a pair of Yoyodyne-Gadgetzan turboprops and the rhythmic thump of a well-balanced rotor shaft. And the occasional autorotative descent into hostile territory? Just part of the spice that makes life worth living. But now I feel obliged to take Ted out for as much fresh air and sunshine as possible, and I have to say, I’m growing fond of his company. He still flinches a bit when he sees a crate, but he’s just about gotten over that.

Anyway, Lathorius? Your shan’do Stormrage could use a stern talking-to.

–A Concerned Citizen

Good to hear from you as always, ACC.  Gotta say, that really is pretty sick, not to mention pretty surprising, considering how old Antlers McBeardyface likes to play himself up as like Grand Master Nature Boy Ultra.  I mean, listen, I’m not going to lie to you.  It’s no secret that I’m not above a little tough love when it comes to Horde mounts, for purposes of promoting discipline and the kind of toughness that the military life calls for.  But I can also tell you, in no uncertain terms, every one of our worgs, kodos, wyverns, whatever, gets three squares a day, plenty of water, and at least enough room to stretch its legs and move around some.  Not to mention that when they finally come up for retirement, they get an enormous feast before we slice them up into chops.

But yeah, taking an animal like that and shipping it around by slow mail in a crate?  That’s just sick.  Especially when you consider how much care those goblins DON’T take to observe the “Handle With Care” labels.  Dude, you should have SEEN the shape my Champions of the Horde commemorative plates were in by the time they got to me, and those were even shipped THIRD class.  I’m still looking for all the pieces of Rexxar.  I don’t even want to THINK of what the fourth rate treatment would be.

Hopefully Lather-on-us will get right on this.  He’d BETTER, actually, considering how quick he always is to get on my ass for something way less than this.  All I’m gonna say is if he lets this thing slide with Antlers, I better not be getting another protest in my front yard the next time I order the veal.

Personally, if it were ME, I’d probably suggest keeping an eye on old Antlers until the next time he goes More Than Meets the Eye into one of his kajillion animal forms, then throw a net on him, shuffle him off into a nice tight crate, then ship him Super Slow Take Your Effing Time rate to his priestess chick.  (Bonus points if she’s not able to sign for the package because she’s too busy getting curb-stomped at the time.)

Anyway, ACC, I’m glad you’re having a good time with Ted.  Rescue mounts can have their quirks, no question about it, but over time it does get better, once they’ve had time to realize that they’re safe now.  And remember, yeah, those roflcopters are cool and all, but a roflcopter can’t love.

By the same token, a roflcopter can’t get explosive diarrhea all over your new monogrammted sheets that your Greatmother sent you for your birthday.  But life’s all about trade-offs, right?

 

Warchief Hellscream -

Being that you are easier to contact than your predecessor, I thought this an appropriate time to place my thoughts, as it were, upon your plate. In particular, I wish to discuss your support for our efforts in Silithus.

While I realise that Kalimdor is a large continent and that Silithus is perhaps the most inhospitable and inaccessible area thereon, it remains a hotbed of activity for the Twilight’s Hammer cult. You yourself have seen this most recently, and I have had it impressed upon me that your recent requests for the stepping up of border patrols are vital to your present plans to deal with the Hammer. And so my druids and I will do all that we can, but… we are stretched thin.

In the time since the defeat of C’Thun, the flow of adventurers to this barren land has slowed to a trickle, and yet the Hammer becomes ever heavier, poised above these shifting sands. Why, I recently discovered that visitors to my command have of late been greeted by a representative of the Horde, who offers free magical transportation in order that your supporters might fight in some meaningless skirmish in a swamp on the other side of the world! Why can this service not be provided in order to send more aid to us in our time of need?

The sands of Silithus have seen much, but they are unique in Azeroth and still have much to offer to the brave. With the Cenarion druids largely occupied by certain troubles in Hyjal, I cannot even request aid from them. I am honour-bound to this post, and cannot abandon it. I am told that you value honour deeply. Will you then aid us?

–Commander Mar’alith, Silithus

Hey, Mar’alith, good to hear from you again.  Also thanks for your help keeping the Twilight’s Hammer contained recently.

From the looks of it, your letter actually came in right about the same time I went out of commission for a little while, so hopefully in the intervening time things have gotten a little better.  From what Saurfang tells me, while he was minding the shop, he came by with a few thousand friends and did a fair bit of Twilight smacking, so hopefully that put a dent in the problem.  Still, I know those cultists can be like roaches – no matter how many you kill, there always seems to be tons more of them.  (And you know, you wouldn’t really expect there to be THAT many crazy despairing suicidal lunatics ready to sign on to help destroy the world, would you?  I mean, even if you assume the cult has a frigging amazing recruiting division, would you really figure they’d be able to drum up thousands upon thousands of these people like they do?  Kind of makes you wonder about the world’s collective parenting skills, that we’ve got THAT many people turning out THAT damaged.)

I’ll try to do what I can for you, Mar’alith.  As it stands, I put an announcement on all the command boards in Orgrimmar and Thunder Bluff encouraging adventurers to head your way and help out, but apparently that hasn’t been having much of an effect.  I’ll double check the boards to make sure the notices are visible enough – with my luck, the announcements got covered by someone’s ad for a futon for sale or guitar lessons or something, with the little straggly rip-off pieces at the bottom with the contact info.

Thing is, though, I’m not sure there’s a whole lot we can do to get people to head down to Silithus voluntarily.  Sure, there’s the portal transport thing you mentioned, but when you come right down to it, it’s not like getting to Silithus is much more of a nuisance than traveling to Tanaris or Un’goro Crater or, hell, even Felwood.  I’m not going to lie to you, Mar’alith, your place down there is just plain creepy.  Lots of people get a bad case of the skitters just running a few errands around the Writhing Deep or the Slithering Scar – and Silithus is like one giant Slithering Scar turned up to eleven.  People go there and then spend the next two weeks scratching because they keep imagining things crawling on them.  Combine that with the fact that, let’s face it, it’s not exactly a treat for the eyes down there either, and come on…how many people do you really think we’re going to get down there rather than, say, walking in a Winterspring wonderland?  I mean, hell, by the time most of our adventurers are strong enough to be much help to you down there, they’re usually all fired up to push righ on past Silithus and head out to Thrallmar in Outland.  Seriously, have you ever BEEN to Hellfire Peninsula?  Do you really understand the magnitude of people basically being like “Yay, Hellfire Peninsula!” rather than sticking around Silithus?

I’m open to ideas, but I’m thinking that pot’s going to have to be WAY sweeter before we see a whole lot of improvement…

 

Hey mon,

Can anybody be explainin’ what “Dranosh” means?

–Bob, Echo Isles

No no no no, dude, you’ve gotta know better than to ask about that shit, all you’re going to do is open up a—

If you will pardon the interruption, Warchief, I believe I can field this inquiry.  I suspect our elocutionarily eccentric correspondent is asking about the roots of the name of my dear, departed son.

Oh fuck, here we go.  Again.

If you will allow me.  Ahem.

We named him Dranosh.  It means “Heart of Draenor” in orcish.

Okay, well that answers that question.  Thanks for clearing that up, Saurfang, now we can—

I would not let the warlocks take him.  My boy would be safe, hidden away by the elders of Garadar.

I made a promise to his mother before she died; that I would cross the Dark Portal alone – whether I lived or died, my son would be safe.  Untainted…

Yeah, okay, terrific, that worked out just fantastic for all involved.  Hey, hang on a second, how did you even get in here anyway?  The fuck is this?  You said when you gave the keys back you were just going to head back up to Northrend and not interfere with the goings-on back here with me.

Today, I fulfill that promise.

I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.  But I’m serious, how the hell are you even doing this?  SPAZZLE!

Yeah, chief?  What’s up?

I’ll TELL you what’s up, tech guy – Saurfang’s in here screwing around with the blog.  I thought you had some kind of fucking security on this shit.

Huh, that’s weird.  I’m not sure how he’d be able to—

I meant no offense, Warchief.  It merely seemed the inquiry lent itself to an account of my own personal experience, and I felt as such it might be a boon to you…

Yes, Garrosh, he was only trying to help.

Hang on, wait a minute, who the fuck is THIS now?

Do you not recognize me, Warchief?  You wound me.  Lady Sylvanas Windrunner, at your service as always.

SYLVANAS?!

A pleasure to see you again, Dark Lady.

Hold on, you know her now?

And you as well, High Overlord.  Congratulations once again on your successful albeit short-lived stewardship of the Horde.  I was most gratified that the other Horde leaders were so quick to agree with my suggestion that you would be an ideal interim Warchief.

As I am gratified by the faith you all showed in me, Dark Lady.

Where do you know HER from?

Do you not recall, Warchief?  I too served in Northrend during our triumphant campaign against the Lich King.  I had occasion to meet Overlord Saurfang in the late stages of our campaign.

Ohhh, that’s right, you WERE up there, weren’t you?  See, I forgot about that, seeing as Saurfang and I were spending most of our time on the whole successfully-taking-down-Arthas operation, as opposed to how you were mostly concentrating on the sneak-in-the-side-door-then-run-from-Arthas-like-a-little-girl wing.

Again you wound me, Warchief.

And hold on, how the fuck are YOU in here too?

In the blog?  I hacked admin.

You what now?

You what now?

That’s what I said, only less green.

Just as I said.  I hacked admin.  ^_^

Oh man, hold on, I need to go check the IP’s again…

You hacked your way onto the blog?  The fuck?

I’m not sure why you should be so shocked, Warchief.  I’ve done this many times before.  Not on your blog specifically, of course, but…

Haha, this is awesome.

Oh for FUCK’s sake, who’s THIS now?

What, you don’t recognize me either, filthy orc?

Oh crap, I can tell this is going to mean all kinds of overtime.  I was just getting my rotation down on Earth Online, too…

WHO IS THIS?

Varian Wrynn, King of Stormwind, you brainless half-wit!

OMG WTF

Yeaahhh, this is gonna mean a whole big system overhaul… So much for me trying to save some money on firewalls…

You seriously think I don’t keep an eye on you and your Horde devils?

Fuck you, Varian.

Indeed, Dark Lady!

Stay out of this, witch!

Wait, what?  I didn’t say that.

Who did, then?

That was me.

Why was it purple, then?  I’m using the purple.

For fuck’s sake, do you not READ the blog?

He’s got a point there.

My text ALWAYS goes purple when I say “Fuck you, Varian.”  SEE?  It’s like a running thing, I’ve been doing it for months!

But I’m using the purple now.  It’s my color.  Would it have been so bad not to use purple just this once, for the sake of not confusing people needlessly?

Hold on, are you actually bitching that my choice of text color isn’t showing adequate consideration FOR THE PEOPLE WHO ARE SOMEHOW HACKING THEIR WAY INTO MY BLOG EDITOR?

He’s kind of got you there, too.

Not the editor.  I hacked admin.  We’ve been over this.

I seriously never get tired of watching you vile creatures fight amongst yourselves.

You would be wise to watch yourself, King Varian.

I would expect at least a little courtesy from you, Saurfang, from one father to another.

I have already addressed this with you, Highness.  I will not stand by while the Horde is insulted, however much I may appreciate the kindness you once showed to me over my son.

Dranosh, wasn’t it?

Indeed.

Is that a family name or something?

OH FUCK NOT AGAIN

Not as such.  It means “Heart of Draenor” in orcish.

Ask him about the warlocks.

WHOSE FUCKING SIDE ARE YOU ON?!

What about the warlocks?

DAMMIT SYLVANAS!

I would not let the warlocks take him.  My boy would be safe, hidden away by the elders of Garadar.

WE’VE ALREADY BEEN THROUGH THIS LIKE EIGHT TIMES

Apologies, Warchief, but…it’s just so easy!

Still not as easy as everybody on the whole fucking internet breaking into my BLOG, though, apparently!

I know, I know, I’m already changing my sign-up status for the alt raid this weekend… <sigh>

Look at it this way, Saurfang: your son died honorably for an honorable cause, far better than most of your kind.  At least this way he can be spared a far worse end when your empire of villainy falls to the Alliance.

Also, I like to talk really tough because I think that way no one will suspect what a small penis I have.

Oh and I have trouble getting it up ever since Benedictus bad-touched me in the confessional booth when I was an altar boy.

WHAT THE HELL I DIDN’T SAY THAT

It certainly looks like you did.  <guffaw>

I have it on fairly good authority that’s a true story, too.

I DID NOT SAY ANY SUCH THING YOU DEVILS!

Oh did I mention how I couldn’t perform at all until Tiffy-Wiffy took me home and played dress-up for me?

OMG YOU LEAVE TIFFIN OUT OF THIS!!!

<giggle>

Oh hey YOU’RE making him say that?

You are?  How, Dark Lady?

Admin.  ^_^

SEE?  SEE?  I’VE ALWAYS SAID YOU HORDE ARE EVIL!

Behind closed doors I like to wear dresses!

DAMN YOU, SYLVANAS!  THE HELL WITH YOU ALL, I’M LOGGING OFF!

Hee!  ^_^

Okay, you know what, that was totally worth it.

Indeed it was an amusing diversion, albeit immature; but I suppose you young folk need find your pleasures in your own way.  And with that, Warchief, I believe I shall take my leave.

From the blog you mysteriously popped into through some means I still don’t know what the fuck they were?  Yeah, okay.

A good day to you, Warchief.  Honor go with us all.

Gotta admit, much as I’m still pretty pissed that you were able to hack in here so easily like that—

I know, I know, I’m clearing out next week too…

—what you did to Varian there was pretty awesome.  You might not be so bad after all, Sylvanas.

Thank you, dear Warchief.  While I’m here, incidentally, might we take a moment to review my concerns about the conduct of Captain Bloodfist?

Not right now, Sylvanas.  It’s been a long day, okay?  We can get into it another time soon.

As you wish, Warchief.  In that case, I’ll leave you to your mailbag and return to my work here in the Undercity.

Yeah, you do that, Sylvanas.  Luckily, that was the last letter for this week, and it’s probably a good thing too, since I don’t know if I’m in a mood to deal with any more weirdness in one day.  So I think it’s time to wrap this up for today.  I’ll post again soon, everyone.

Also don’t forget I don’t really have the faintest idea what I’m doing, and the Horde probably would have been better off staying under Saurfang.  But at least I’m easily influenced.

~_^

The damn meme thing, sort of

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , on February 25, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

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By this point you’ve probably seen this “6th of 6th” picture-sharing meme that’s been going around the web and spreading like wildfire.  A few days ago, Rades from Orcish Army Knife (Which, by the way, would be a sword.  An orcish army knife would be a huge frigging sword.) tagged me for this thing, which means now I’m supposed to make a post where I go into the sixth subdirectory of my screenshots folder, and post the sixth image.

Now, I knew Earth Online was a pretty popular game, but I didn’t realize it was so widespread that the whole blogosphere could work under the assumption that EVERYBODY was playing it and would have a screenshots folder.  Only problem is, I don’t actually take screenshots of my Earth Online gaming.  So what I guess I’ll do is use some of my own personal pictures since that’s pretty much all I’ve got.  (Also, I have to ask – the sixth subdirectory?  People actually have six subdirectories?  Of their screenshots?  People take that many screenshots AND get that organized about it?  You know where I have every single picture of any kind on my whole computer?  In one folder.  Called “Pictures.”  The end.  Do you people ever go outside?)

Anyway, counting down to the sixth picture, we get this little gem:

I took this one when I was flying through Loch Modan a long time ago, around the time we were first setting up shop in Twilight Highlands with the Dragonmaw.  It was at Ironband’s Excavation Site.  I just thought the statue here was kind of cool-looking.  Funny thing is, there actually is an Earth Online tie-in here.  The random statue gets referenced in the game in a major way – there’s a big huge giant version of the exact same statue that’s a major landmark in one of the main cities, which is kind of a cool mini-reference for anybody who would actually notice it.  Like I’ve said before, they do a lot of referencing like that in the game, which is kind of fun to spot.

So…I’m also supposed to pick six more people to “tag” for this meme thing, but I’ve kind of got a problem.  At this point, this meme has been going on for a while, and I’m not sure if there are many people left who haven’t done it.  I’ve been going through the blogs I keep an eye on, and for the life of me I can’t find THREE that haven’t done this already, much less six.  So…as much as this might be a cop-out, I’m just going to issue a general tagging – if you’re reading this, and you blog, and you haven’t done this thing yet, well, guess what?  You’re tagged.  DON’T THINK I WON’T KNOW IF YOU IGNORE YOUR WARCHIEF’S DRAFT NOTICE.

Anyway, while I have my picture folder open, I figured I’d also put this one out there.  And since I’m dancing around the standard meme requirement by issuing a blanket tagging, I figure, what the hell, here’s another blanket “tagging” for everyone else to work on right here on-site (or on-blog, or whatever).  Extra picture below, of me and Saurfang back in Northrend – all that’s missing is a caption.

Caption away, my minions – the comments section awaits!

Love was in the air

Posted in General with tags , , , , , on February 23, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

So one quick note on all the catch-up I’ve been doing since getting back to Orgrimmar this weekend.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice that people missed me and were happy to see me back and all, that’s all good…but like, if you guys were going to get together some “welcome home” presents for me…couldn’t you come up with anything other than these Lovely Charm Bracelets?  Like seriously, there were about a zillion of those things waiting for me in a big pile in Grommash Hold, and then, late Saturday night, while I was still trying to get myself reoriented to being home and all, I had this big rush of I don’t know how many more people running in to give me a bunch more of the things.

I don’t know if there was a sale or something at the Lovely Charm Bracelet store or if there was some kind of weird contest or if people just decided en masse that I just don’t have enough jewelry even, but at this point I don’t even know where I’m going to keep all this crap.  The worst of it was, you know, you can’t really be rude to people when they’re trying to give you a present, so I kinda had to grit my teeth and spit out a “thanks” even after I was up to bracelet #37,409,338.

Oh and speaking of mountains of stuff showing up out of nowhere, what the hell is going on with all these people running around Orgrimmar on these idiotic pink flamingo things?  What do they think this is, fucking Silvermoon?

 

 

[Header image provided by Rioriel from Postcards From Azeroth, reproduced here with permission and many thanks.  Click here to see the souped-up Postcard version!]

Monday mailbag

Posted in Mailbag with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 20, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

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Okay, so finally I can get to normal business like answering my reader mail!  As a matter of fact, there’s a TON of it that’s piled up while I was away, so it’s probably going to take some doing to get through it all.  So here we go…

 

Hail, Acting Warchief!

I look forward to Garrosh’s speedy return. This is a continuation of an earlier question our esteemed Warchief answered for me, that I have discovered new information about.

To recap: I was confused about the use of flags to mark supply drops in Ashenvale, and the capture thereof to interfere with enemy resupply. Originally, my question was how this behavior had spread to the Dragonmaw as well. Recently, I had the opportunity to put the question to a Dragonmaw quartermaster … and the answer is head-slappingly obvious in hindsight.

Twilight Highlands is nowhere near as congested as Ashenvale. But, it is ABSOLUTELY ankle-breaker country. You’re not getting anything in by land. At least, not without losing a lot if it to ambush.

So, yeah. Stealing the enemy’s flags makes excellent sense here, too.

And best wishes for our Warchief’s return to duty. If there is anything this Blood Knight can do to assist, I can be found at the Wayfarer’s Rest in Silvermoon, when I’m not on-call with the Horde Medical Corps.

–A Concerned Citizen

Huh.  Okay, I guess this one was a leftover letter for Saurfang from when he was minding the shop.

Anyway, though, ACC, good to hear from you again.  And yeah, I guess it makes sense that the Dragonmaw would be adopting the same flag-marking methods that we were originally using in Warsong Gulch.  I’m actually kind of relieved that there’s some sense behind what they’re doing, considering how lately the Dragonmaw have been…um…kind of shaky in terms of how on top of things they seem to be.

Don’t get me wrong, I like Zaela and all.  She’s a good warrior.  But you know, there’s a difference between being a good warrior and being a good person to have in charge of things, you know?  And like, with Zaela, sheesh.  Not the brightest bulb.  If there’s a big fight coming, sure thing, I want her fighting on my side.  But if there’s something going on that requires you to have your wits about you, or able to wrap your brain around something bigger than “me see, me smash”?  Yeah, not so much.

 

Greetings again, Your Warchieferousness!

Thank you for your reply re: the housing issue in Orgrimmar. It’s unfortunate that you can’t solve this issue with the same speed with which former acting Warchief Hellscream created it, by unilateral fiat – but then I suppose if he had bothered to investigate before spewing his frankly racist edict we wouldn’t have this problem, would we? I shall, as suggested, look into Razor Hill in the interim.

With regards to to baking, I’m afraid my skills in that area of cooking extend little past spice bread and tasty cupcakes – like many self-employed aggressive problem solvers, my culinary skills revolve around making use of things I slaughter horribly on my travels. Also, as a Knight of the Ebon Blade I bear the “blessing” of the Lich King in the form of an unfortunate addiction to causing pain and suffering … there are ways and means to alleviate it, but you may wish to avoid my cooking.

Regarding the issue of pseudonyms, I think I’ll pass – every second Death Knight Arthas raised during the Battle for Light’s Hope decided that being Joe Smith, formerly of Goldshire, was not sufficiently “grimdark” enough for a soldier in the Lich King’s service, and changed his name to “Darkreaper of the Nightfall” or something similarly pretentious and absurd. Some of them, seeking to emphasize their existence as agents of the Lich King’s will, changed their names to “Arthas”! Not that they can spell it, mind. I suspect the Lich King left them too long before he raised them.

(Koltira “Deathweaver”? Used to be Koltira Twillweaver, of Goldenmist Village. Though he was a pretentious ass then, too.)

Yours,

Twilight Vanquisher Aimee

Knight of the Ebon Blade (still not the cake vendor)

Still the Goblin Frickin’ Slums

The FUCK is this?!  Okay so this is another one for Saurfang I guess, I get that, fine, makes sense he’d have some follow-up mail from the last few weeks…but DUDE!  How much hate mail was he GETTING about me?!  Frankly racist edict by unilateral fiat WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!!

But ANYWAY, as far as YOU go, Aimee (OH NO, look out, AIMEE is pissed at me – watch out or she might write an angsty mid-tempo acoustic guitar ballad about me and take me down a few pegs with her bitter understated irony!), you go right on ahead and find yourself a nice comfy place down in Razor Hill.  Keep an eye on the kids down there while you’re at it, that should be a job you can stay on top of no problem.  In the meantime we orcs and tauren will take care of the real job of defending Orgrimmar, Corpsey McBoneyknees.

Anyway, there’s got to be some mail in here somewhere that’s actually for ME…

 

Hi Omgipwnedurface,

Just thought you should know you’ve been kicked from the guild.  You should have been trying to make a good impression if you wanted to pass your trial, but you haven’t given us any reason to keep you.  You didn’t show up for two raids you signed up for and you haven’t logged on for, like, weeks.  It’s really inconsiderate to just disappear without warning and leave us hanging like that.  Would have been nice for you to at least drop us a note before you vanished.

Good luck finding a new guild,

Manageurdeath

Guild Leader

[West Coast Avengers]

THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!?!

Okay, okay, so for anyone who’s not connecting the dots yet – this guy is my guild leader (or, well, he WAS my guild leader) from the Earth Online guild I just joined.  Well, the guild I just joined as of like a month ago, right before the whole Alcaz Island deal.  I haven’t logged on since I’ve been back, what with me being a little busy PUTTING MY LIFE BACK IN ORDER, but APPARENTLY I’ve just been kicked out of the guild!

Because yeah, you know what, you’re right, Manageurdeath, that was really inconsiderate for me not to give you guys a heads up that I was going to be away a few weeks DUE TO BEING FUCKING KIDNAPPED!  Oh wait, did I mention the part where I was dragged to a Twilight’s Hammer stronghold where I was going to be used in a fucking BLOODLETTING CEREMONY to have the FUCKING SPIRIT OF CHO’GALL BURN OUT MY SOUL AND TAKE UP RESIDENCE IN MY FUCKING BODY?  Did I mention that part??

You’re right, dude, I TOTALLY should have cleared this with you to make sure it would be adequate justification for me missing out on the fucking Board of Directors raid we had scheduled!

HOLY FUCKING FUCK’S SAKE.

Actually, you know what, hold on.  I need to find Spazzle for a second.  You guys hold tight for a minute.  Here, funny video to kill some time while I’m doing this:

OKAY, so I just tracked down Spazzle and had him trace that e-mail from the guild guy to find out where this fucker is from.  I was expecting him to be from someplace way out in the middle of nowhere, where he’s got nothing to do but play this game and think he’s all hot shit for being the guild leader, because for fuck’s sake guild leaders always seem so fucking full of themselves, but anyway, check THIS out – turns out this guy is logging on from Theramore.

FUCKING THERAMORE.

The guild I was in was being run by some goddamn fucking ALLIANCE, and not even an Alliance from someplace fucking IMPORTANT, no, run by an Alliance stuck out in the run-down town out in the middle of the fucking swamp where there’s nothing for those assholes to do but bang Jaina all day, only THIS fucker doesn’t even seem to be able to pull THAT off seeing as he’s fucking logged onto the game 37 hours a day!

So you know what, I’ll tell you this, Manageurdeath, I don’t know who you are exactly, but I’m going to fucking find out, and WHOEVER you are, mark my words, you have fucked with the WRONG ORC.  Enjoy your little podunk swamp town while you can, because I’m telling you right now, somehow, someday, I am going to open up such a can of fucking DISASTER on that place, you and all your little Jainabanging friends aren’t going to know what even fucking HIT you.  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

UGH.  Okay, so there’s still a pretty big pile of mail, but I’m in NO mood to deal with any more of this shit today, so I promise I’ll answer as much of it as I can next Monday.  In the meantime, keep it coming.  I’ll talk to you all later when I’m not dreaming dreams of ruins in the fucking swamp.

UGH!!!

Filling in the gaps

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 19, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

orgrimmar7

Okay, I was planning on writing this a lot earlier, but I ended up sleeping WAY late that first night back in Orgrimmar, which had me up late last night, and blah blah, up-late-sleeping-in domino effect.  Any of you who’ve gotten into a late-nighter groove on Earth Online know the drill.  Anyway, I’m back in Grommash Hold finally and settled in, and HOLY SHIT it’s good to be able to crash in my own bed again.

So I’m figuring you’re all probably wondering what was going on on my end of things since the last time I posted.  Saurfang and Garona have been giving me the run-down about their side, but I’m still in the process of getting caught up on what Saurfang was posting here while I was out of it.  Anyway, let me try to fill in what I can and maybe fill some gaps for you guys.

Last time you heard from me I was flying down to Alcaz Island.  When I got to the island, Dontrag and Utvoch were still just chilling at one of those naga conjuring rune circles with Skarr, and so I figured I’d gotten there in time to get a jump on things.  Before I could get my bearings, though, a gang of tauren led by Magatha Grimtotem showed up and attacked.  At the time I assumed they were Grimtotem, but from the sound of things now, they must have been Twilights and just happened to be tauren.  Probably hand-picked, actually, so they could seem like they were Grimtotem.  Maybe.  Anyhow, they attacked, and somehow or other Skarr managed to get loose not long after.  Magatha was hanging back some and I could hear her chanting something, but I was a little too focused on the couple dozen dudes I had beating on me at the time, so I wasn’t really paying too much attention to it.

What happened next is still pretty fuzzy.  All of a sudden there was a blinding flash, and I remember being thrown back a long ways.  I think I hit my head on a tree or rock as I was falling back, but before I passed out I remember seeing a lot of the other tauren and maybe D&U getting thrown around by the blast.  I don’t remember seeing Skarr from that point – I think he was the explosion.  Looking back on it based on what Saurfang’s told me, I guess he must have been walking around with some kind of explosive enchantment, and Magatha detonated him when she arrived.  So he really was a time bomb, just a lot more literal than I was figuring.

And for that matter…turns out I was right, just not for the right reasons.  I thought Skarr was the phylactery, and we’d gotten baited into a trap bringing him out in the open.  Well, we got baited into a trap, all right.  But Skarr wasn’t the phylactery.  He never was.  He was the bait.

The next several…days, I guess? I’m not sure…were a blur.  All I can remember is bits and pieces.  Being picked up and dragged around, sounds of the ocean, grunting from ogres and ettin…that sulphury smell from the incense that the Twilights always seem to have burning all over the place.  Purplish walls.  I don’t know how long I was out before I finally came around for good.  Even then I felt pretty groggy, so I’m figuring the fuckers were using some kind of magical mojo on me to keep me subdued.

When I finally came around, I was in the Bastion of Twilight.  Magatha was running the show.  Which, considering the place was obviously overrun by Twilights and not Grimtotem, didn’t make a whole lot of sense to me.  But man, was she ever proud of herself for having me under wraps.  I had a few choice words for her…okay, you know me better than that, I had a few choice paragraphs for her…but after I got the initial outrage out of my system (which granted took a while), I managed to get her monologuing.  Thank goodness for villains who can’t fight the urge to run their mouths, that’s all I’m going to say.

So come to find out, Magatha cooked up the story about the phylactery and fed it to the other Grimtotem through Arnak Grimtotem and Isha Gloomaxe, had her people running around making trouble for the ogres under the pretense of finding it, knowing that sooner or later word would get back to the Twilights and they would be all “WTF there’s no phylactery, is this bitch crazy?”  Which okay, she is, but whatever.  Arnak and Isha were the only other Grimtotem who ever knew the real story, or part of it, anyway – there was no phylactery, it was just Magatha’s way to get the Twilight’s Hammer’s attention and bait them into coming for her.  Which they did, in Thousand Needles.  And when they raided the Grimtotem and captured Magatha to interrogate her, they were really doing exactly what she wanted.

Once she was the Twilights’ “prisoner,” that put Magatha in a position to make them an offer they couldn’t refuse.  Sure, there wasn’t any phylactery, but she HAD found a way they could revive Cho’gall, and she was ready to make them a deal.  All she needed was the Doomstone, which the Twilights already had, that collection of tauren relics, which the Grimtotem already had, and a new body for Cho’gall spirit to set up shop in.

On the drawing board, that was going to be Skarr – THAT was his special duty, the job Cho’gall had in mind for him.  Somehow or other Cho’gall knew it could be possible to bring him back in a new body if need be, and had Skarr in mind to be the one, which a handful of those Gordunni ogres were aware of even if Cho’gall didn’t spread word around among the cult in general.  Who knows, maybe one of Magatha’s tribesmen in Feralas got wind of this from the ogres somehow, and that’s what got the call rolling on this idea in the first place.  Anyway…

The only thing that was missing was Magatha’s end of the deal.  I’ll give her this much, she’s no idiot, and she knew better than to trust the Twilights to hold up their end of the bargain if she went ahead and gave them Cho’gall up front.  So that was her one ace in the hole: she was the only one they knew of who could do it, and they weren’t getting any resurrection until she’d gotten her payoff.  As far as the other Grimtotem were concerned, the payoff was help in regaining power, retaking the Grimtotem’s lost territory…but in reality, Magatha knew that was a lost cause.  For now anyway.  The Grimtotem were reduced to bands of renegades, they were banished from tauren society and cast out of the Horde, they couldn’t even get the Alliance to give them the time of day…there was too much lost and too many enemies stacked against them for them to hold on very long even IF the Twilights helped them regain a foothold.  Better to let the Twilights get Cho’gall back, and let the world burn.  At least her enemies would burn with it.

But what she wanted was to be sure one enemy in particular would be the first to go down.

Remember that letter I wrote to Magatha, when she asked me for help in her coup in Thunder Bluff, and I told her where she could stick it?

Yeah.  Guess who.

That’s when they started letting information about all of this start reaching us, to set off their plan to lure me out.  Eventually when we went after Skarr, they started putting the pieces in place for a backup plan that would let them kill two birds with one stone – let us get Skarr, feed us more information through him, then set me up to be captured…and then put me into the Skarr role as Cho’gall’s future place of residence.  A live Cho’gall and a dead Garrosh all in one fell swoop.  Cho’gall’s revived spirit would take over, my soul would be burned up by the restoration – “consumed by the fires of resurrection” as she put it – and my body would be corrupted into something more “suitable” for him.  Fun stuff.

Eventually they even had good luck on their side.  In my stupidity, I sent that fucker Johnny Awesome to Thousand Needles, where the Twilights were still holding Magatha in “protective custody,” which gave her an opening to round up all the magical doohickeys she needed and cover her tracks all at the same time.  I mean, think of it – at this point she was ALREADY basically screwing over her own tribe for the sake of helping the Twilights burn the world down.  So now rather than having to come up with another cover story to keep leading the other Grimtotem on, she just sent Johnny Awesome to round up the stuff she needed from them, then got him to KILL Arnak and Isha, the only Grimtotem who knew anything at all about what Magatha was really up to in the first place.  And then he comes back, “steals” the Doomstone for her, and sends her off on her way, so as far as anyone can tell, she’s just ESCAPED the Twilights rather than working with them.

Gotta admit, this is all so sly and sneaky I’d actually be kind of impressed, if it wasn’t all so totally revolting.

Anyway…you can probably see how everything played out from there, the trap-within-a-trap at Alcaz Island, and all the rest.  Which brings us back to me being held in the Bastion of Twilight.

Eventually a couple of ettin dragged me out of my cell and set me up in a scaffold in the middle of Cho’gall’s old throne room.  Still a little groggy from whatever spells they’d been casting on me, but I guess they needed me conscious for the big pay-off.  Either that or Magatha wanted me awake so I could feel every last bit of it.  Probably both.  The scaffolding actually didn’t feel THAT tight, and the wood seemed to have a little give to it, but I wasn’t sure how much time I was going to have to struggle with it at that point.

Anyway, Magatha stood up beside me with the Doomstone in hand, tauren relics set up all around us, and started doing some incantations that who the fuck knows what they meant.  Apparently the ritual called for some kind of ritual bloodletting (blood is life or some shit like that), and since Magatha wasn’t exactly one to turn up a chance to rub some salt in the would, she had the cultists bring her Gorehowl – she was going to spill my blood with my own axe.  And then, just to add insult to injury…wait, no, she was already adding insult to injury…to add extra insult to insult and injury, she decides she has to get her last jab in, and says something along the lines of, “Fitting, isn’t it, a little loosed blood sets you on your way to becoming a monster that will lay waste to your world…like father, like son, eh, Hellscream?”

And I’m not going to lie to you – THAT?  That pissed me.  The fuck.  OFF.

And seriously, when you’re trying to finish an old-school warrior, Magatha, what’s the one thing you never want to fucking do?  Yeah.  Feed him extra free rage.

Crack.

Snap.

Broken scaffold.

Pummeled tauren bitch crone, flying across the room.  Gorehowl back in the right hands, and a whole room full of Twilights running in to take a number at the deli counter OF MOTHERFUCKING PAIN.

Just so happens, as I was starting to fight my way back out, Saurfang and the rest were making their way in.  I think they might have run into a couple batches of cultists that Magatha sent back out to the exit to secure the way out while I was on the move.  Kinda wish I’d been there to see the looks on their faces when they came out of the portal, actually.  “Okay, guys, we’ll just lock this down and WHERE THE FUCK DID THIS OTHER ARMY COME FROM **CLEAVE**”

So…I think that covers everything.  I probably missed a few details here and there, but fuck, this was long enough already, no need to go piling on more.  Anyway I can try to answer any left over questions you guys might have.  Otherwise, it’s going to be good to get back to semi-normal life, answer my mail, all that good stuff.  I’ll write more soon, about some less apocalypsey stuff.

I’ll say this much, though.  Magatha’s day is coming.  I can take some comfort in knowing that now she’s probably an even greater outcast, even more alone, than she’s ever been, now that she’s not only an exile from the tauren, but she’s even betrayed the one remaining tribe that would have had her.  But this?  Just wait till I finally get my hands on her, and get a chance to crush her under my heel.  CRUSH her.  See if the elements protect her then.  Crush and burn and drown and suffocate.  ‘Tis a little dream I have.

More soon.  And also, um…yeah.  Thanks for coming after me.

I’M BACK, BITCHES

Posted in General with tags , , , , on February 17, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

getoffmyship

Well THAT was a big, long, giant fucking pain in the ASS.  I’ll write some more for you guys soon since I know you probably have a zillion questions and shit, but for right now, just one quick note for Magatha and the Twilights and whoever the fuck else I’ve been fighting I don’t even know who at this point:

NEXT TIME YOU FUCKERS BEST BRING KRYPTONITE!!

Okay.  That’s it for now.  I’m going back home and getting some damn sleep.  Fucking hell.

 

 

[Header image provided by Rioriel from Postcards From Azeroth, reproduced here with permission and many thanks.  Click here to see the souped-up Postcard version!]

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