Monday, so I am told, Mailbag

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Citizens of the Horde,

I am an orc of my word; some days ago I invited you to write to me with your thoughts and inquiries, and promised I would answer them as is customary in this space.  Today I fulfill that promise.

I write to you from our outpost in Silithus, as I prepare to begin our movement into Ahn’Qiraj.  Perhaps this exercise will be helpful in clearing my thoughts before the coming battle.  Let us begin.

 

Dear Overlord Saurfang,

Have you read any good books lately?

–Tarrful, Orgrimmar

Sadly, my hectic schedule as acting Warchief does not allow me the leisure time to pursue recreational reading.  Fortunately, I do make a point of conducting regular briefing sessions to ensure I am kept abreast of important and relevant information, to ensure that the absence of reading time has not caused me to miss something of import.

[Saurfang doesn’t read books.  He stares them down until they give him the information he wants. –Mkvr., ed.]

 

Warchief Saurfang:

Do you play Earth Online too?  If so, what server are you on?  What class do you play?

–Kalaban, Undercity

I’m afraid I don’t know what this “Earth Online” is that you speak of.  By context, I would surmise it is some sort of diversion or recreational activity involving the internet.  Sadly, my schedule already calls for me to spend too much time safeguarding the future of the Horde and saving the world from annihilation for me to invest much leisure time in such matters.  Also, I am an adult.

 

Hey Saurfang,

If Thrall and Garrosh ever finished that duel they started back before the Northrend campaign, who do you think would win?

–Kulkesh, Razor Hill

I could not even venture a guess as to the outcome of a battle between two such mighty combatants; and moreover, I can only hope that such a wasteful conflict might never occur.

[If Thrall ever dueled Garrosh to completion, the winner would be Saurfang. –Mkvr., ed.]

I must say, I was expecting these inquiries to revolve around matters of greater weight and import.  Nevertheless, we carry on.

 

Acting Warchief Saurfang,

When the orcs began dabbling in necromancy, did you ever consider becoming a Warlock?  I know you’re a pretty badass Warrior and all, but did you ever think it might be fun to have demon minions and dot people up?

–Davan Shadowspring, Silvermoon City

There was never a point when I was tempted to indulge in the fel magics of the warlocks.  Indeed, I suspected even then that no good would come of my people’s dabbling in shadow magic.  Moreover, I fail even to see the appeal of such practices; I find it much more honorable and rewarding to confront my enemy face-to-face in combat and best him hand-to-hand, rather than standing at a distance and resorting to trickery.  There is a certain gravity and satisfaction to be found in feeling the weight and heft of a solid, reliable blade in one’s hands.  And besides, I can assure you, if one is sufficiently proficient in the martial arts, one does not need a precarious spell to make one’s foes flee in fear.

[Damn, Saurfang almost beat me to the punch on this one: Every time a warlock makes someone run away in fear, he pays a royalty to Saurfang.  –Mkvr., ed.]

 

Warchief Saurfang:

I’m glad to see someone in charge again in Orgrimmar who’s at least somewhat respectable.  I would wish you well in your efforts, except that in this case that would probably entail you actually finding Garrosh, and honestly that would end up leading to more trouble than it would be worth.  So, here’s wishing you a mixed bag that keeps you in your current position for a while.

–King Varian Wrynn, Stormwind

P.S.  Sorry to hear your men were stuck in those underground tunnels on Alcaz Island.  Those things are creepy as hell.  For years, I had these bizarre recurring nightmares that I was stuck down there, and barely even knew myself.  Freaky stuff…

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While I remain thankful to you, King Varian, for the kindness you showed me in light of the loss of my son, I nevertheless cannot let such denigrations against our Warchief go unanswered.  I may remind you, however much good will may exist between you and I personally, I am first and foremost unwaveringly loyal to the Horde, and Warchief Hellscream is its rightful leader.  I am myself, indeed, merely a part of which the Horde is a larger whole; and you may no more speak ill of our leader with impunity from me than you might strike one’s face and not expect the hand to respond in kind.  And so, as Warchief Hellscream might comment in his own inimitable manner, I would take this occasion to invite you, King Varian, to engage in an act of self-copulation.

 

Hey mon,

If da Lich King’s horse be Invincible, how come I be seein’ it?

–Bob, Echo Isles

Vol’jin, I don’t know what it is that you’re trying to accomplish, or why you’ve chosen to adopt this puerile façade, but I would ask of you, please, recall your station.  We are leaders of the Horde, and as such it is incumbent upon us to conduct ourselves with a modicum of maturity.

 

Dear Saurfang,

I know the Dragon Aspects have a lot on their plate these days, but considering the interest they have in Twilight’s Hammer activities, and the resources and information they have access to, have you considered reaching out to them for support in the search for Garrosh?  Maybe have Thrall speak to them on your behalf?

–Zhurzigg, Orgrimmar

While it would indeed pain me to impose upon the hectic schedule of the Aspects, my time in Northrend did afford me the opportunity to develop a certain rapport with the Wyrmrest Accord.  As a result, I was recently able to arrange a meeting with Nozdormu at the Caverns of Time.  My original intention was to travel to Tanaris on the way to Silithus, but initial preparations detained me in Orgrimmar unexpectedly; fortunately Nozdormu was most gracious over my tardiness (in retrospect, I wonder if he knew in advance that I would be late, all things considered), and welcomed me for our discussion nonetheless.

[Time waits for no man.  Unless that man is Saurfang. –Mkvr., ed.]

Sadly, Nozdormu was able to uncover no leads that might help us pinpoint the location of the Warchief.  His ability to delve into past events is, in fact, somewhat compromised by current activities of the Infinite Dragonflight, which is impeding the Aspects’ plan to retrieve the powerful Dragon Soul artifact from the past.

(As an aside, I must admit I would be tempted myself to volunteer for this mission, as it would entail the opportunity to witness first-hand some of the events of the War of the Ancients, in which my dear brother Broxigar had participated.)

[Contrary to popular belief, the Sundering did not happen because of the collapse of the Well of Eternity.  The landmasses of the world heard that Saurfang was at the Well, and so the continents split apart in different directions to try to get as far away as possible.  As it turns out, the Saurfang present at the Well was Broxigar, not Varok, but you can hardly blame the continents for erring on the side of safety. –Mkvr., ed.]

Nozdormu does still have the power to access the future, but this would appear to have limited usefulness for our purposes.  He did suggest at one point that he might move us forward in time to such a point as Warchief Hellscream has been recovered, and then acquire from our future selves the relevant information as to how and where.  This, however, struck me as a rather dubious solution; as I explained to the Aspect, in such a circular approach to problem-solving, the actual answers and information would not seem to actually come from anywhere, but rather be produced of whole cloth out of nothing.  Nozdormu’s only response was to roll his eyes and, waving a hand about, mutter “Wibbly wobbly, timey whimey.”

The ways of the Aspects truly are a mystery.

 

One final note in closing:  The one aspect of responding to your mail in this format that I do not particularly like is its relatively impersonal nature.  Indeed, I wish to apologize to those of you who have written to me directly for not having replied directly in kind.  When attempting to log into my “e-mail account,” the machine demanded I provide a password; apparently the device did not find the resulting cleave to be sufficient proof of my identity.

[When Saurfang…oh, wait, he’s already got this one covered.  Good deal, boss. –Mkvr., ed.]

By all means, continue to write to me, friends.  Honor go with us all.

 

-Saurfang

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One Response to “Monday, so I am told, Mailbag”

  1. The look for your web site is a bit off in Epiphany. Even So I like your weblog. I might have to install a normal web browser just to enjoy it.

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