Archive for September, 2011

Ask Garrosh

Posted in EPIC VERSE, General, Mailbag with tags , , , , , , , on September 30, 2011 by Garrosh Hellscream

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So I’m finally going to be getting around to my inspection trip out to Stonetalon Mountains early this week, and I’m probably going to be spending most of the weekend making arrangements.  Since you all know how much I love scheduling and logistics, I’m probably not going to be in the best mood, so I’m thinking I could use some distractions.  The Earth Online game will help here and there…oh, who am I kidding, I’ll probably lose a bunch of hours playing when I SHOULD be getting other stuff done…but I’m also thinking you, MY LOYAL CITIZENS, can be helpful that way.

So, here’s the deal.  I know my Monday mailbags have mostly been filled up with heavy hitters from around the Horde.  Well, other than Lor’themar.  But this time around, I think what we need is some more peons!  So!  I’m inviting you all – my DEVOTED AND AWE-STRUCK READERS AND MINIONS – to write in to ask your Warchief anything you want.  Here’s your chance to get your questions answered about the life of the leader you adore!  Or maybe get some rock-solid advice from your Warchief on whatever’s been on your mind!  AREN’T YOU LUCKY!

You can send your questions and messages to me at garrosh1337@gmail.com.  Come Monday I’ll try to answer as many of your questions as I can.

In the meantime, here’s a little something I haven’t treated you guys to in a while, using a new form I just learned:

 

Life without honor
A pink, puny, worthless foe
You suck, Varian.

 

EPIC VERSE!

Okay, calming down now…

Posted in General with tags , , , , on September 29, 2011 by Garrosh Hellscream

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So I think I might have gotten a little carried away last time about the internet thing.  It’s been pretty stressful what with the war with the Alliance and the war with Deathwing and the war with the Twilight’s Hammer and the war with Ragnaros and the search for more people to go to war with.  I keep getting these reports about spies and so I think I’m probably worrying about people pulling sneaky shit more than I need to.  I mean the Thrall thing was probably some stupid random prank and it’s not something I should really be worrying about and I’m sure most people on these blog things are who they say they are because it would be really fucking stupid for people to pretend they’re something they’re not on the internet.

Anyway I’m done freaking out now so I should be back to more normal, level-headed posts like you’re used to.

AN ATROCITY AGAINST YOUR WARCHIEF’S MAILBAG!!!

Posted in General, Mailbag with tags , , , , , , on September 27, 2011 by Garrosh Hellscream

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RAAARRRR I am so full of rage I could probably execute crit sextuple digits if I knew what sextuple meant and crit meant and digits meant, but I’m still really fucking angry!!!

Because APPARENTLY, the last letter I posted in Monday’s mailbag was NOT actually from Thall!!!  CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT!!!  See!  See!  THIS is why I don’t trust these blog things!  Can you believe people can just write stuff and say they’re somebody that they’re not?!  That is totally messed up!  OMG someone could even totally write stuff on this internet thing and say that they’re ME and they could totally get away with it!!!

ANGERRRRR!!!!!!!!

Monday mailbag

Posted in Mailbag with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 26, 2011 by Garrosh Hellscream

Running a little late today, I know, but here’s a few of this week’s letters…

 

Dearest Warchief,

I hope this missive finds you well.  Your delightful and inspiring blog was recently brought to my attention, and I felt compelled to write to express my deepest appreciation.  I can see now why Thrall so wisely saw fit to appoint you as his successor.  With such a keen intellect at the helm, I have little doubt that we shall prevail against our foes.

I am particularly touched by your recent comments on my defense of Silvermoon.  While I am saddened to see that you still harbor reservations about my loyalty and commitment, I can assure you that the good of the Horde is forefront in my thoughts, and further assure – nay, stress – that no further…shall we say…indiscretions are forthcoming.  I cannot, in fact, emphasize this point enough.  There is truly nothing for you to concern yourself with, and, as such, I can further assure you that there is no need for you to waste valuable time checking up on the goings-on in, say, Silverpine Forest or Gilneas.  With so many Horde outposts in need of your sage attention, it would pain me to know that we Forsaken were needlessly occupying your valuable time.  So, once again, no need to visit Silverpine.  Really.  Don’t you worry your dear, most interestingly proportioned head over it.

Also, loathe though I am to impose upon the Warchief’s attention, might I request, at your next opportunity, that you have a word or two with the most honorable Captain Bloodfist, of the Kor’kron detachment generously assigned to aid in the defense of my beloved Undercity?  Skillful military tactician though I’m sure he is, I cannot help but notice over these past several months that he persists in…looking at me.  In…ways that are starting to make me feel rather uncomfortable.

–Lady Sylvanas Windrunner, Undercity

Oh crap, I think I’m about to have more forms to fill out.

Although…I mean, seriously, do you ever look at the way you dress?

Anyway.  It’s nice to see Sylvanas coming around a little.  Like I said a couple weeks ago, I really did have my doubts about her, but it really seems like she’s pulling herself together these days.  Nice to know I don’t have to worry too much about her, it’s not like I don’t have enough on my mind already these days.

 

Hail to ye, Garrosh!

HAHAHA!  That’s it, laddy, put them DEHTA pantywaists in their place!  Ye know, they keep tellin’ all their recruits they’re me archenemy.  At least that’s what they say – I haven’t seen ’em dare come near me themselves!  But at least they talk a good game.  Ye notice, though, they keep tryin’ to recruit people to run errands for them, but they still only have six members, so good on ye, lads, fine job retainin’ yer recruits!

If any of ye DEHTA types are readin’ this, I’ll raise me stein and have a drink to yer health…and use it to wash down the goodly feast of assorted Northrend meats I went out and killed fresh today!  Ye know where to find me if ye ever grow a pair!

–Hemet Nesingwary, Sholazar Basin

I don’t really have a lot to say here.  This just made me happy!  Good to hear from you, Hemet, it’s been a while!  For anyone who doesn’t know, Hemet used to hang out in Nagrand, so I used to go hunting with him sometimes.  Hey Hemet, remember that time we were hunting Banthar, and that damn Durn the Hungerer came sneaking up behind us?  Like how does he DO that anyway?  How does a 50 foot tall giant gronn just SNEAK UP on you like that??

 

To Garrosh Hellscream, Warchief of the Horde:

Seriously?  Clefthoof stew?  And not only ENCOURAGING people to eat clefthoof stew, when there are many far healthier, less murder-requiring dietary options available, but GLORYING in your choice to make such food out of a CRUELLY BETRAYED friend and companion of your childhood?

You really are determined to evoke the wrath of D.E.H.T.A., aren’t you?

–Arch Druid Lathorius, D.E.H.T.A.

Oh no.  THE WRATH OF DEHTA!  WHAT-EVER WILL I DO.  Hey, news flash, Lather-on-us, the whole time I was up there in Northrend, there was only one person whose “wrath” I ever concerned myself with at all, and guess what, it wasn’t you, or any of your whiney druid friends.

I already wasted enough time on you guys last week, but looks like Hemet might have a few choice words for you.  YOU REMEMBER HIM, RIGHT?  THE ARCHENEMY you guys were going to PUT IN HIS PLACE, and you sure as hell did, provided by “in his place” you meant “at the dinner table, feasting on a spread of barbequed, stewed, and roasted shoveltusk, wooly rhino, mammoth, and worg.”  Yum!

 

Hey mon,

I know you be tinkin’ I be supportin’ you as my replacement as Warchief, but I really only gave ya da job to prove to you an’ everybody what a failure you’d be at it.  Ever since you came to Orgrimmar you been actin’ like you be knowin’ how to run tings better dan me, so I figured I be givin’ you enough rope to hang yourself.  Not to mention dis way when I come back everybody will be so happy to be rid of you dat dey’ll tink I’m even more of a hero.  Like seriously mon, you got no idea how much all de other leaders be missin’ me.  After you, all I’ll have to do is walk in a straight line without droolin’ on meself an’ it’ll be an improvement, mon. P.S. You smell.

Bob Trall, Echo Isles

WHAT!!! OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE THRALL WOULD SAY THAT WTF!!!!  And WTF is he doing in the Echo Isles I thought he was supposed to be in the Maelstrom or Mount Hyjal or wherever the fuck he is that’s not here!!!

AND I DO NOT SMELL WTF!!!

Earth Online

Posted in General with tags , , , , , on September 25, 2011 by Garrosh Hellscream

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This internet thing is actually kinda cool, now that I’m getting to do some more with it.  I had Spazzle over today to go over some updates for the blog, and while he was here he showed me this game he plays on this machine that might be fun to try.  It’s this huge game that you play with thousands of other people from all around Azeroth, like everybody on at the same time and interacting with you over the internet, where you have this computer character that you run around with and use to have adventures.  It takes place in this imaginary setting that’s supposed to be kind of an apocalyptic nightmare future where humans have taken over the world and replaced magic with, like, goblin gadgets run totally out of control.  So no wonder there why Spazzle likes it.  Anyway, it’s called Earth Online, and credit where it’s due, they really seemed to go all out coming up with this really elaborate history for the world, and little details about the culture, and all that kind of stuff, and I know it probably sounds pretty dorky but I have to admit it kind of sucks you in.

So Spazzle will probably have an update soon about the blog stuff, and I know I have mail to get to for this week, and I still need to find Eitrigg and get the damn trip to Stonetalon lined up.  But hell with it, I think I’ll go hop on the game for a little bit first.  Just an hour or two and then I can get back to the stuff I’m supposed to be doing.  Just have to decide whether I want to make my character a mechanic or a veterinarian.

WTF!!

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , on September 22, 2011 by Garrosh Hellscream

THRALL GOT MARRIED?!

So I KNEW something was going on with him and Aggralan.  I even tried warning him it wouldn’t be a good idea, seeing as I remembered her from Nagrand, and I mean she’s okay and everything, when she dies she’s going right to the honored dead, but holy crap the spirits are going to have their hands full with the yap yap YAP.  Preachiest bitch this side of Rhonin, let me tell you.  Not that he listened to me anyway.  But whatever.

But MARRIED?  The FUCK, dude?!  And I don’t get invited?!  FUCKING ANTLERS McBEARDYFACE GETS A FRONT-ROW SEAT, and I don’t even get a fucking wedding announcement?  Hell, not even Antlers – his high priestess chick too?!  TELL ME WHAT SOUNDS WRONG HERE: “Thrall is getting married today and a grand total of ONE racial leader will be in attendance…and that one is FUCKING ALLIANCE”!!

Oh, wait, hold up a second, you want to know how I even FOUND OUT about this?  WHEN ALL THE FUCKING WEDDING GIFTS STARTED POURING INTO GROMMASH HOLD BECAUSE YOUR DAMN FORWARDING ADDRESS EXPIRED!!  How’s THAT for a fucking kick in the nuts?  “Oh, look, someone sent me a Foreman Thazz’ril Mean Lean Goblin Barbeque Machine, that’s really cool, oh wait, it’s addressed to Thrall, ‘Congratulations on your union, may you and Aggra enjoy a lifetime of joy’, the FUCK?!”

Not to mention, dude, I don’t even get to throw you a fucking bachelor party?  Have you never BEEN to Silvermoon??

P.S.  Note to Jaina Proudmoore, on the off chance she can see this:  HAH!  Suffer!

 

 

[Header image provided by Rioriel from Postcards From Azeroth, reproduced here with permission and many thanks.  Click here to see the souped-up Postcard version!]

First journal

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , on September 21, 2011 by Garrosh Hellscream

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I mentioned my journal from back home in Nagrand a little while back.  I thought it might be fun to take a look at what I used to write, so I dug it out of my old things.  No small task, let me tell you, with all the junk I dragged over with me when I moved to Orgrimmar.  You do NOT want to see the mess that’s gotten shoved into the attic in Grommash Hold.

Anyway, here’s my very first entry:

Once upon a time and a very good time it was there was a talbuk coming down along the road and this talbuk that was coming down along the road met a nicens little orc named baby tuck.

Huh.  I’ll be honest, I really don’t know what’s going on there.

How about we try something else…my first poetry!  That’s it!  Okay…so…here it is.  One of the very first poems I ever wrote, about the pet clefthoof I had as a kid!

Pudgy little clefthoof
Eating some grass
Pudgy little clefthoof
Fat furry ass

Pudgy little clefthoof
You’re so fun
Love to be petted
By everyone

Pudgy little clefthoof
Shaggy and brown
Pudgy little clefthoof
Follow me around

Pudgy little clefthoof
I love you
Taste so yummy
In a clefthoof stew

Okay…I didn’t remember the ending there.  Gotta say, though, if you ever have a chance to have some authentic clefthoof stew, that’s damn good eatin’.

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